


The Only One

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Complete, Fluff, Hoseok doesn't care about your anal sex roles, Hoseok has no shame, Hoseok is baby, HyungWonho - Freeform, I repeat...NOT, Internalized Homophobia, It would be nice if people would stop being assholes to each other, It's funny but also sad, Jooheon is Hoseok's best friend, Jooheon is an amazing person, M/M, Smut, Social Anxiety, Student Hyungwon, Tattoo artist Jooheon, This story will comfort you and make you feel loved, You will think that there is only the two of them in the whole world and it will be beautiful, a slowburn, and they were ROOMMATES, because there's no point, breathtaking intimacy, but so is Hyungwon, discussions about societal issues, feat. Starbucks, fuck gendernorms, student hoseok, there is a lot of crack, this is not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 20:03:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 198,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21003392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: What does it feel like to be locked away behind a thick wall of anxiety, being unable to breathe or press out a single word? How do you bear to constantly think about failure, humiliation and rejection, for so long that you end up numb?You think that everybody can see it, the way you feel, and hold onto the counter until your knuckles turn white and finally, you lift your gaze to see the pink hair, a smile so grateful, and curved lips whispering, “You came.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
We are back with our newest story: **The Only One**. It is again a story that doesn't compare to the others and we really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with social anxiety, labels and what it feels like to feel alone.  
The story is already written and published and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
  
If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
[@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
[INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
  
  
  
We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
  
We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
Hichanchen writes Hyungwon and his mom (sometimes)  
Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok and Jooheon  
As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie and to Angie, who drew a gorgeous cover for that work.  
  
  
We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
(We also have another story prepared after this one, so stay tuned.)

A single feather slipped past thick white fabric and landed on top of a desk made out of cherry wood. The sight should have been motivating, after all the feather had done its best to leave confinement and finally be among real air, floating through his apartment and making a difference.

_ Shouldn't you be doing the same? _

But the duvet was comforting around his shoulders, adapted to his body temperature after surrounding him for the past few hours. Both of them had already invested so much time into getting used to each other and strengthening their relationship, was it really okay to leave the duvet behind? Could he really be this heartless?

_ Bullshit. _

Hyungwon sighed out loud and twirled around once on his chair. Using his right hand was sufficient to create enough leverage to turn exactly once and return to his mobile device that was lying on his desk and shining. Had he not spread his legs for comfort and folded his right calf under his ass, he might have resembled a duvet sushi roll, filled with never-ending regrets and lost battles instead of a delicious avocado.

_ But you're not a damn sushi roll, those lie around in the fridge and don't get invited to parties. _

He twirled around once more and expertly ignored his mother's voice that warned him not to put sushi in the fridge because it dried out the rice and made the whole thing brackish. Unfortunately, that fact didn't help him decide to finally abandon his duvet and walk out of his front door. 

His phone screen turned black and he pressed it once more, staring at his invitation and wondering what else he needed to do to finally go there. It was easier when he had somebody to go with him, to grab him by the wrist and do all the talking.

_ But you don't, now you're on your fucking own and it's time to adult, Hyungwon. _

He buried his head in his arms and rested both on top of his desk, hoping that some really good instructions on how to ring the bell and enter a room full of people was going to magically appear inside his head. 'Hi' and a smile was supposed to be a really good starter, but he could already imagine himself fucking it up, stumbling over his own two feet, running against a glass door. There were so many options and he would have to change university if any of these happened to him at his first semester party.

_ Maybe you should wear a mask? _

Hyungwon's hands already turned clammy at the mere thought of being the only one with a mask, the single person that everybody would stare at. In addition, he didn't even have a mask. He only had his face and the outfit he picked out a few hours ago. 

_ You’ve been sitting here for three hours already and should have left the house fifty minutes ago. _

It sucked, it sucked so fucking much because Hyungwon knew exactly how important it was. He knew that it was the first party of the semester and his opportunity to make friends, to get to know somebody new and get himself an amazing kick-start into university life. So many people were going to do exactly that but he was sitting at home wrapped in a duvet not knowing how to say hi at the door or even talk to people. What if he was fucking boring? He needed at least five minutes to come up with a decent answer and at that point it was already too late.

His heartbeat hammered in his chest and he felt like dying at the mere thought of walking out of his home and into a house filled with students. Sweat immediately developed on his forehead and he could already see people making fun of him for sweating as soon as he joined the party, looking like a complete idiot. His mouth felt dry too and he quickly grabbed the bottle of water that almost rolled under his bed, emptying it halfway. 

_ You can't stay home, Hyungwon. It'll ruin everything from beginning on and you know it. _

Pulling the duvet tighter around his shoulders, he stumbled to the spacious kitchen that his apartment provided. It was too big for him alone, but his parents were worried about him getting claustrophobic if he lived in a smaller space than he was used to. Luckily, claustrophobia has never been one of his problems, unlike talking to people.

His long, bony fingers wrapped around the door handle of the fridge and ripped it open, contents shaking from the force. His eyes quickly scanned the various shelves with random fruit he was most likely not going to eat until they finally focused on the lonely bottle of Bordeaux caught in the side door. It was his only salvation and if he needed to be tipsy to have a good start to the semester, then that was what he would have to do.

Instead of being civilised and taking out a glass, Hyungwon dropped the duvet around his shoulders and struggled to peel the cap off the dark green bottle. It took a while because he was shaking so much, but once the pieces of metal and plastic were spread over the counter and the bottle was ready to be emptied, he grabbed it by the neck and took a few big gulps. It burned down his throat and didn't do anything yet, but there were no red marks on his silk shirt and his pants were also still clean, so that was a valuable achievement.

_ Give it some time, then you will be able to do this. _

Hyungwon had done it before, back in high school when he was supposed to go on a date, but pussied out and stayed home. The boy had the balls to come all the way to his house and he ended up getting wasted and talking about football for so long, that he got ditched after one hour max.

_ You talk bullshit when you are tipsy. _

Unfortunately, he only remembered such valuable facts when he was holding a half-empty bottle of wine that he returned to the fridge. There was no use in changing the situation anymore, he had to go and now he had the liquid courage to at least answer when somebody talked to him. A glance in the mirror revealed that he looked okay. The appearance wasn't really the problem, rather the 'interesting' and 'fun to hang around with' part was lacking. Hyungwon was everything but fun, especially when he was scared shitless.

There was no way that he could drive after drinking half a bottle, so he left his car standing right where it was and decided to walk. It took about thirty minutes, but it was better than calling a cab and being unable to keep up a decent conversation or squeezing in with a bunch of unknown people in the bus. He shuddered just from thinking about accidentally slipping or falling on top of somebody because of the driver's rough breaking. 

_ It'll be fine, you can prepare what you'll say on the way there. _

It was a good idea, so Hyungwon did exactly that, coming up with comebacks for all possible scenarios in which somebody might have decided to talk to him. The scenarios were already limited because there was no way he would be the first one to talk and start a conversation. If nobody talked to him there wasn't going to be a conversation.

They could ask for the bathroom, then he'd need to say that he has never been at that specific house before and unfortunately didn't know either. They could ask whether he's new, and then- god, everybody was going to be new. It was for first semester students to get to know each other, so of course they were all new and didn't know anything.

_ At least nobody will think you are dumb for being unable to answer questions about your major and whatnot yet. _

Somebody could offer him a drink too and he'd have to be nice and accept it, even if he didn't like it because otherwise they'd think he's a rude bastard. God, just thinking about possible scenarios was already making him anxious. The bottle of wine was kicking in slowly, but the ideas in his head didn't get any better than they were without liquid courage.

_ Maybe you should just shut up and smile, or even better- stay at home. _

By the time he reached the spacious house and heard loud laughter and yelling from the garden, he genuinely contemplated turning around and disappearing right back where he came from. The sound of water splashing and giggling suggested that there was a pool and of course he hadn't read the whole fucking thing and didn't even bring any swimwear. Fuck, he was going to be the only one unprepared and looking all overdressed in his white silk shirt and fashionably ripped jeans. Everybody was probably in swim wear and he was going to be the odd one out.

_ You can't go if it's like this, no fucking way. _

He stopped walking as soon as he glanced past a few bushes and identified some boys and girls in the huge pool, throwing a ball around and playing a game while others were sitting at the edges and sipping on cocktails. One girl poured hers over a dude's pants, apologising profoundly and Hyungwon could already imagine himself in that situation, looking like he fucking pissed himself out of fear.

He concentrated so much on the sounds and his thoughts, that he didn't notice two guys walking past him to the door. They were dressed fancily and seemed to be talking about swimming without having any swimwear. He could hear the bell and steps, the sounds getting louder, before suddenly, one of the two boys turned around and stared at him, beckoning him over.

"Come in, you'll get wrinkles from thinking and waiting." The guy's voice was low and he laughed right after, not waiting for a single second for him to move and simply grabbing his shoulder and pushing him into the garden. Hyungwon had no choice but to messily stumble inside.

"Gosh, why would you bother him? What the fuck?" the blonde one asked his friend and turned to him, apologizing quickly. 

Hyungwon felt absolutely dumbfounded, unsure what just happened as he ended up being a part of the party without meaning to and already involved in a conversation he hasn't prepared himself for. Getting pulled along and made fun of for waiting like an idiot was definitely not something he expected to happen.

_ Don't embarrass yourself further, don't fucking do it. _

"I- ehm, it's okay," he muttered and already hated himself a little bit for not shutting up instead. Usually, he wouldn't have said anything, pretending that he didn't hear anything out of fear of saying something dumb, but alcohol made him spill quicker than anything else could. "I was checking out the pool."

_ Smooth, like a fucking creep. _

He kept staring at his special edition Converse, hesitating to look up and ogle the two guys instead. He didn't want to seem like a pervert, watching people swim in a pool through the bushes. But the fact that the two boys were also well dressed calmed him down a little. At least he wasn't overdressed.

"Oh, your jeans don't look as if you're wearing swimming shorts. Apart from maybe Speedos. Are you wearing Speedos?" The black-haired guy tilted his head and walked around him, staring at his ass and what else he didn't want to think about, ignoring his friend's pleas to go get a drink.

_ Is he… checking you out? _

Hyungwon felt his heartbeat speed up despite all his efforts with the wine and reacted before he was able to reflect on it for five minutes. Alcohol fucking sucked.

"God- no, why would I wear Speedos?" he muttered and rubbed over his thighs with his palms, hoping to get rid of sweat in case it already started. "I forgot it was a pool party, so I didn't come prepared."

"That's amazing because I'm wearing white underwear. I still planned on swimming, though. I forgot the last time I swam in a fancy pool like that. I'm glad you're joining me." Pointing right at his confused face, the broad looking guy turned to his friend. "I like him," he commented while the blonde guy shook his head and hid his face behind his palm.

_ Does he like you? _

Hyungwon smiled at the sudden confession that he was liked for doing absolutely nothing. It was nice and a first because people usually considered him rude and unapproachable. He felt surprisingly good until his eyes widened and he understood that the random guy in front of him (that he was meeting for the first time) had simply signed him up for swimming in his underwear.

"Wait- I'm… I'm joining you?" he asked instead of straight out saying that he sure as fuck wasn't. His underwear was black, but it was also lace and probably didn't like pool water. In addition, the other guy had white underwear which meant it was going to be transparent which also meant that-

_ You'd basically be swimming with a stark naked guy. _

"Oh god," Hyungwon whispered and looked up for the first time, taking a proper glance at the person that randomly decided to engage him in activities he hadn't signed up for. He really didn't want to have all the attention that swimming in underwear was going to give him. There was no way that he wouldn't fuck that up, fall into the pool accidentally or break his fucking nose. Staring at the talkative, black-haired man in front of him momentarily distracted him from his thoughts.

The first thing he noticed was the smile. It resembled the baby sun from the Teletubbies, bright and beautiful. The guy was pale and had a handsome face, nicely shaped eyebrows and round eyes that stared right into his soul. Hyungwon liked the sight enough to blush a little and feel his mouth dry up.

"I see you are intrigued, but let me tell you, handsome boy, so am I," the low voice exclaimed before the dude's blonde friend pulled at his arm and hissed something. "But first I'll get a drink. What would you like to drink, your handsomeness?" The guy was very persistent and apparently also incredibly strong, not moving a single bit despite his friend's efforts.

_ He's asking whether you want a drink, you prepared for this! _

Hyungwon collected the little bit of preparation that applied to his current situation and smiled with one corner of his mouth.

"Preferably something strong," his lips spoke even though he should have agreed with anything, pointing out that he had already drank enough to last him the night. But then again, he wasn't going to survive the night without additional booze. The guy in front of him seemed to be a handful, a handsome handful and he had even called him handsome in return. That was new and felt kinda good.

"Strong, you say?" The boy's lips spread in a gorgeous, but sneaky smile and he wiggled his right eyebrow suggestively. "Wait for me, your handsomeness. This loyal servant will make sure that you'll be satisfied." Shooting two finger guns at him, the talkative guy turned around and dragged his friend along while being hit. 

_ Will he ever come back? _

Hyungwon wasn't sure and the disappearance of the two guys that randomly enabled him to join a party didn't help. He felt very lost in the middle of it, standing around like the only idiot without swimwear apart from a guy in soaked t-shirt and shorts.

_ Now you have to survive on your own. _

It was terribly full, a girl almost stumbled squeezing her way past him and held onto her drink with pale fingers. Another group was talking animatedly and Hyungwon felt his heartbeat pick up and his hands become sweaty, realizing how out of place he was. There was no real space to disappear to, because every corner was occupied and no matter where he looked there were students giggling, drinking or throwing themselves into the pool.

Nobody paid attention to him, which was his only reassurance. It meant they couldn't see how he was losing his shit and almost fainting from the pressure of being around people and having no idea what to say. The fact that there were so many only made it worse, hoards of smiling and grinning faces that were going to laugh as soon as he walked in the wrong direction or stumbled over a random bush that he overlooked.

Once his eyes settled on a big tree close to the hedge, relief washed the anxiety from his veins and he hurried over to the stable pillar. He leaned against it and took a few deep breaths. The fact that he needed to lean against it to feel stable suggested that he probably wasn't as composed as he hoped he was, stumbling instead of walking.

_ Oh god, you already fucked up. _

The easy-going guy must be thinking that he was an alcoholic, getting wasted as soon as he got to a party. Everything he said was dumb and there was no way the boy would return, especially with a drink. Hyungwon had already fucked up his first potential university friend and there were more to come. His shoe dug into the soft earth and he rubbed it over the freshly cut grass, hoping that nobody was looking at him and thinking he was a creepy loner, not talking to anybody. Because he obviously was.

The red wine was still buzzing through his blood stream, but it didn't make anything better apart from causing him to say whatever he thought without thinking twice. At this rate, he was going to make an even worse idiot out of himself than he would have otherwise.

_ You shouldn't have come. They'll remember you as the weird guy hanging around the tree until the party was over. They'll probably assume you're tree-sexual. _

"Oh my god, and I thought you ditched me," a low voice exclaimed dramatically next to him before his gaze stopped at a plastic cup that was held right in front of his face. It smelled like pure ethanol. "I didn't want to be dramatic about this, but I gave my best while preparing this drink, so I need your opinion." The cheerful boy's round eyes appeared over the cup and Hyungwon could see that he was smiling. They were really round, like when one grabbed two pens and drew two circles at the same time. "It took a while because I had to promise Jooheon that filling the pool with vodka was a joke. And the other three admittedly extremely cool and very fun ideas. But I guess that's how it is when you owe a friend many favors. You have to listen once in a while."

_ Is Jooheon his friend? _

Hyungwon nodded slowly, not sure what to say and wrapped his hands around the cup hesitantly. His index and middle finger brushed the other guy's warm hand in the process and he fought to keep himself from freaking out or embarrassing himself by wiggling or coughing awkwardly. He tended to resemble a stone brick and his classmates from high school always told him to get the tension out of his shoulders, but he had no idea where to start.

"You owe him many favours?" he asked because it was the last thing the cheerful man said and probably the only way to keep up a conversation and avoid drowning in his own embarrassment. The guy had a really handsome face, bright and difficult to glance away from. Even his pores were clear and barely visible, not even on his pretty nose.

_ God, he's probably weirded out because you stare so much. _

The drink in his hand smelled so strongly that he decided not to risk it yet and continued watching the boy instead, like a freak.

"Ah, it's because I have no place to stay and he was nice enough to keep me for two weeks. I need to find something else though, because his parents will make lots of fuss. But…" Suddenly the pale face came so close that he got startled. "You should try the drink," the boy whispered after licking his red lips.

_ Oh, fuck. _

Hyungwon quickly brought the cup to his mouth and gulped down about a quarter of it, feeling it burn down his throat like acid and kill everything that might have possibly been living there. At least it felt like there was no need to disinfect his mouth anymore.

_ You're too gay for this. _

The way the handsome guy came closer made it difficult to hide that he was dying because of the alcohol, so he turned to the side quickly and coughed, wondering if his lungs were going to come out along with the tiny drops.

_ Way to leave an impression, almost dying because of the drink he made you. _

"It's- very strong," he gasped and held onto his thigh with his left hand while the right one squeezed the cup. "Just what I needed."

"First I thought of mixing whisky with vodka, but you look super sophisticated, so I persuaded a girl to give me her mom's cognac and mixed it with some gin with gold inside. I hope you feel expensive now." Grinning brightly, the boy curled his fingers around his and leaned forward, emptying the rest of the drink from the plastic cup. Hyungwon was grateful that he wasn't opposed to sharing spit, especially if the spit was attached to somebody like the boy in front of him. Damn. 

"Hmm, doesn't seem to work with me though. I don't feel expensive at all. Maybe you need to help out?"

_ How are you supposed to help out with that? Does he want to be expensive? _

"Huh?" Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he was suddenly glad that the two of them were standing far away from everybody else and talking on their own. It made the whole interaction part so much easier, especially since Hyungwon was able to listen most of the time and had only one person to be scrutinized by.

_ If only you understood what the fuck he wants from you. It's probably a reference you didn't get again. _

"How can I help you with that?" he asked as soon as his voice didn't sound like he lived through three lung infections and finally woke up from a coma. Somehow the fact that the man in front of him came back must have meant he hadn't fucked up too badly yet. At least he was replying and even asked some questions. 

The alcohol was buzzing through his veins and he felt excited, a little happy even that the handsome man found him interesting or at least funny enough to still hang around. The boy was gorgeous and Hyungwon wanted to brush their fingers more or at least keep staring at his face in secret. Being invisible would have been amazing. 

Well, either the guy thought he was interesting or he felt pity towards Hyungwon's inability to communicate, but that was already better than nothing. Hyungwon could imagine relaxing at home with the handsome man on his couch, sipping on something tasty. "I must have gold champagne at home somewhere. I got it as a present after moving in."

_ Why would he care about that, Hyungwon? _

"Gold Champagne? Sounds fancy. Your lips look fancier though. Soft and tasty. As if one could sink into them and forget about everything." The boy's fingers brushed over his, this time purposefully. 

Oh. _ Oh _. 

His tongue immediately slipped out to lick over his plump lips as he glanced to the side and hoped that he didn't look stupid. This was good, this was really good. It translated very obviously into interest that Hyungwon hadn't expected at all, even after being called handsome.

_ Maybe that's why he made you a drink, he thinks you're hot. _

"Well, what's the point of gold champagne anyway," he murmured, aware that he was entering dangerous territory without a safe return ticket. He had no idea what was going to happen, but he really wanted something to happen. "Maybe you should try them out?" 

_ What are you even saying? That's not how you get people to kiss you, Hyungwon. _

It sounded fucking corny and he already wanted to knock himself out with his fist, but the expression on his companion's face didn't look disgusted or weirded out, so he dared to return the careful touch of fingers. It was the closest he has been to making out in months and he wouldn't forgive himself for fucking it up. 

_ You must be so fucking desperate. _

"I definitely should." The low voice was no more than a whisper as the boy's handsome face came closer, round eyes jumping from his nose to his lips. "Good lord, look at me being all tingly and shaky," the black-haired guy murmured, finishing off with a gorgeous smile before he felt the soft, warm lips on his.

Hyungwon couldn't believe how honest the other man was, how easily he admitted to being nervous before going ahead and kissing him. The touch was light at first, a feather brushing over his lips as he almost hummed in approval, embarrassing himself again. Now that he had hot lips against his, he felt even more at ease that they were standing further away from the crowd, hidden by the shadow of the tree. Nobody could see them unless they really tried to and he knew what to do.

_ This is familiar territory, you are okay at this. _

Kissing was easier than talking, much easier, so he used his tongue to trace the prettily curved lips and wrapped his arms around the other man's waist, holding him close while allowing him space to retreat. His heartbeat was quick again, but this time it was the good kind, the positively excited kind that joined the buzzing of alcohol in his ears. He hated parties and a lot of people, but he loved this, even if it rarely ever happened because he was too afraid to talk.

_ But now you don't need to talk. _

Their situation seemed to be familiar to the black-haired boy too. Humming pleasantly, his kissing partner sucked on his bottom lip before slipping his hot tongue inside his mouth carefully. A few seconds passed before the muscular chest pushed against his own, strong arms lifting up to curl around his neck. There was the sensation of the boy's fingers raking through his hair as he kissed him passionately, playing with his tongue and soft hums frequently vibrating against his lips.

It felt good and distracted him from his worries, so Hyungwon used his height and position against the tree to turn them around and press the shorter, but definitely bulkier man against the tree trunk. He used his body to capture him in between, exhaling roughly at how enthusiastic those curved lips were. All thoughts of saying the wrong thing or embarrassing himself remained at the back of his head as he propped one hand against the warm bark and used the other to stroke over the boy's soft features, tracing his round cheeks and smooth jaw. His face was much more delicate than his body that was firm under those fancy clothes.

"You should be tasting like cognac, but you taste like orange blossoms. It's magic," the soft lips whispered against his in the short break that he used to turn them. "And fuck gold champagne. Your lips are so much better."

Hyungwon smiled at the compliment and tried to think of a way to return it, but he sucked at describing both, smells and taste and was glad when he didn't eat something rotten by accident. The boy tasted delicious, but he had no fancy expression for it, so he decided not to say anything and merely showed his enthusiasm by gasping and closing the distance again. He loved how firm the guy's chest was against his and how easily he melted into the kiss, like ice cream.

"You melt into me like ice cream, I love it," he whispered out loud, because he had no inhibition and licked over the soft lips like he would with a treat.

_ Don't talk, you know that you ruin things when you talk. _

"I melt? I guess I need to cool down then." Winking at him, the handsome guy suddenly pushed himself off the tree, not caring about Hyungwon's body trapping him and took his hand, pulling him away from the pool and further into the huge garden. "Let's go. You promised to swim with me."

"W-what?" Hyungwon stuttered stupidly, but followed along, unable to resist much. "But we don't have swim wear and there are all those people."

_ You're only wearing underwear and they will laugh at you. _

His mouth was too quick, saying everything out loud while he mentally punished himself with the knowledge that he probably ruined his chance at tasting those curved lips again. He must have done something that the other guy didn't like, kissed him weirdly and touched his waist too much. There were a lot of ways to fuck up when one didn't know how to be among people. 

_ The ice cream thing, why the hell did you say that? _

Following the gorgeous man past the overcrowded pool and random students that grinned at them, Hyungwon couldn't help thinking that he had ruined his chance at not only another kiss but also at a possible friend in university and any decent social interaction at a party that was supposed to decide the future of his university life.

Alcohol gave him the courage to show his facade, but what was the point if nobody dared to look past it? 

***

“Lord, just look at him, he is perfect,” Hoseok whined, after filling the plastic cup with liquids that were more expensive than his life. He would’ve said clothes, but those were Jooheon’s, so that didn’t count. The handsome, tall guy who he freaked out a little on their way inside was probably waiting and he really didn’t want him to run away.

_ It’s the first time that you are being honest and open about this. _

“He is… just a guy, Hoseok. I have no idea how you can completely forget the fact that you were crying a few hours ago. You have no place to stay and we need to figure this out. Please don’t do stupid shit, please. I beg you.” His best friend was elaborating while sipping on a beer and glancing around, probably looking for some fun. It didn’t look very serious, so he ignored the whole monologue.

“Listen, you said ‘let’s go to this party. She has a pool and you could use some distraction’ and that’s precisely what I’m doing. Have you seen his face? Fuck, it's able to distract me from all basic human needs. He is mine, Honey, I swear. Let’s hope he didn’t run away.” Grinning brightly, Hoseok took the plastic cup and hurried outside. Unfortunately, he took the wrong exit, which wasn’t particularly surprising considering that the house was as big as his university building. It was okay, he liked surprises and it felt familiar when things didn’t go the way he expected. 

Trying to get around the building to the pool side, he discovered a gorgeous small swimming pool, emerald-green and hidden behind big bushes. There was nobody there, just the lights in the water, the dampened sounds and tall plants surrounding it. It made the place seem magical.

_ That’s a nice spot to swim. _

He got distracted again, standing in front of the water for a few minutes, before finally remembering that he wanted to find the gorgeous prince handsome and preferably not knock him out with the mildly disgusting cognac-gin mixture. Thankfully, he was lucky because his handsomeness didn’t wait for him at the previous spot, but semi-hid next to a thick tree a few meters away from the partying crowd.

_ He didn't hide from you, right? _

Who knew? Hoseok simply pushed the drink into the tiny face before almost making the poor boy choke, drinking his drink and asking to taste his lips without any prior conversation, compliments, etiquette or whatever the thing was called that people used to shame other people who didn’t want to play by their arbitrary rules.

_ But he is intrigued. _

The boy was. That he could see. The pout on the thick lips, the jumping gaze and the clear verbal invitation to have a taste were more than enough to know that the feeling was mutual. He couldn’t remember the last time it went so quick.

_ Is it the clothes? _

It might have been the clothes, or the black hair that felt weird but was easy to ignore as long as he didn’t look at himself in the mirror. It might have also been his newly found confidence that he undermined by revealing how shaky and nervous he felt. It was the truth, how could he lie if his hands were trembling and his lips wanted to taste the plump thickness so badly?

In general, Hoseok wondered how a day could be the worst and the best at the same time. He felt overwhelmingly torn between pure levity and the pressuring knowledge that no matter how good prince handsome’s hands felt around his waist and how good he tasted in his mouth, reminding him of orange blossoms, that still, things were kind of shit.

_ You need a swim. _

"You melt into me like ice cream, I love it," the black-haired boy murmured, voice low, a little husky and so so attractive. The melting was good, but also kind of bad. He would have lied to himself, saying that it was too warm and whatnot, but he hated the weird shirt and pants and wanted to strip down, preferably until complete nakedness and swim. With prince handsome.

Grabbing the slim fingers, Hoseok slid away from the tree, already missing those lips and walked towards the eastern side of the building. "Let's go. You promised to swim with me," he whispered after turning around and walking, lips immediately transforming into a genuine smile at the boy’s antics and his funny arguments.

_ There are no people and you need no swimwear. _

“I have a special place in mind. Maybe I should have dumped the gold gin there to suit you better, but I think it will be okay like this.” The longer they walked the quieter it became. It was dark and his heart was hammering in his chest like a drum solo of his favorite punk band. “Just look at it and then decide whether you want to ditch me, okay?” 

_ Can some girl’s parents' pool save your hopeless ass? _

Hoseok sighed, making sure to push the boy through the thick bushes and stopped, looking at the green water in awe. The pool wasn’t well illuminated, but at the same time, it was so much more beautiful. Maybe that was why people liked money? To be able to create beauty for themselves that they didn’t have to share with anybody else.

_ Not that you know. _

Letting go of the slim fingers, Hoseok stepped in front of the tall, black-haired boy and unbuttoned his black silk shirt, feeling so much better as soon as it slipped down his shoulders.

“Will you leave, or will you be mine, prince handsome?” Hoseok asked, dipping his fingers under the waistband of his jeans. He should have been cringing, but to be honest, the slim guy was extremely handsome and the first person he met and obviously liked after becoming himself in front of his parents. It was meaningful to him, way more than the guy in front of him could ever imagine. In addition, the green water threw beautiful reflections on his body and the boy’s stunning face. It was overwhelmingly beautiful and his obvious tipsiness in addition to the fact that they were alone made the situation seem surreal.

_ Now he only has to tell you to fuck off, then it’s a Hoseok story. _

"I thought _ you _ were about to ditch _ me _," the gorgeous man replied and brushed his delicate fingers through his long, black hair, almost reaching his shoulders. Maybe that was what reminded Hoseok of a prince in addition to the beautiful face and fancy clothes. A low chuckle left the plump lips and he could easily see the boy's eyes follow his hands, observing as he undressed himself. "I tend to be the one who gets ditched, but today seems… special somehow."

_ He didn't tell you to fuck off, what a day. _

The reply made him cheerful and he stepped forward, reaching for the first button on the boy's shirt, unbuttoning it slowly.

"What's your name?" he asked, fascinated by the breathtaking attractiveness of the person next to him. How was that even possible? "Or should I keep calling you prince handsome? I can call you whatever you like." 

The tall man chuckled again and brushed through his long hair in an awkward gesture before he met his eyes and smiled. 

"Hyungwon, my name is Hyungwon," the low voice replied, and as if Hyungwon knew that Hoseok enjoyed the timbre of his voice, he continued. "I can't believe that I kissed you before knowing your name, but at the same time that sounds so much like something I would do."

_ Hyungwon. Sounds really nice, especially when he says it. _

Hoseok's fingers were at the third button when the boy stopped talking and watched him and his fingers intently. 

"I talk a lot because I remember random things in the middle of a sentence and then it has to join the conversation because people are unique and it's beautiful." He laughed and leaned back, observing Hyungwon's long, slim body that was partially uncovered. He really wanted to swim together with him and see how the black hair would look sticking to the boy's forehead.

"Let's play a game. If you manage to undress faster than me, I'll jump in the pool with the rest of my clothes and if you don't, you'll be the one to jump with clothes. Deal?" When there was no particular enthusiasm, Hoseok stepped forward again. "The alternative is you help me and I help you."

"But- isn't it bad to swim when we’ve both been drinking. A- also we'd have to go home with soaked clothes and then everybody would look." Hyungwon was visibly uncomfortable about the idea of running around with soaked clothes and carefully wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's wrists without really stopping him. His second idea seemed much more intriguing as some of the discomfort disappeared along with those plump lips. "How… much do you want me to help?" 

"My pants. I just think that undressing next to each other is the biggest turn off I've ever experienced, so either it's a game, we're two bros chilling and swimming in clothes, or…" He reached for Hyungwon's lean stomach and let his fingers run down his abs until they arrived at the waistband of his jeans. "Or you undress me and I undress you."

"I… don't think I'm particularly good at this bros thing, especially if it involves talking," the gorgeous boy replied and reached out, pulling him closer by his pants and unbuttoning them with his long fingers. Instead of watching him quietly, Hyungwon used the moment to cover his lips with his own, leaning down to reduce their height difference and be able to deepen the kiss. Some of the other man's coordination suffered due to the kissing, but he compensated with pulling down the zipper of Hoseok's uncomfortable pants and tugging at the fabric to move it past his hip bones.

"I'm not really good at the bro thing either," Hoseok admitted, placing one last longing kiss against the boy's mouth before going on his knees and pulling Hyungwon's tight pants down his long legs. The first thing he saw was that prince handsome was indeed a fucking prince, wearing lace underwear with a Versace logo as big as his chest tattoo. The writing only distracted him for a second, before his eyes accommodated to the darkness and he simply stared at the boy's lace-covered crotch. "Good lord," he murmured.

_ Did he plan on getting laid? Because this is art. _

"I forgot that they’re a little transparent, I didn't think about swimming in them or anything, fuck," Hyungwon muttered and attempted to angle his hips to the side, but that only showed him more of the back which was almost completely transparent and at least as gorgeous as the front.

_ He looks as if he could be promoting those lace trunks on a magazine cover. _

"Huh?" Hoseok looked up and realised Hyungwon's struggles and the fact that he spaced out in front of someone's crotch. "Sorry, I've never seen someone wear something like this before and got distracted. This looks expensive, fuck my life." He forced himself back on his feet and reached out, brushing over the boy's shoulders and letting his shirt slip to the grass. Hyungwon’s body was elegant and fit to the overall expensiveness that made him associate the image of the tall boy with a prince.

"If someone gave me those as a present, I would put them on my wall instead of art. Not that I own any art, or walls for that matter, but it would be my first piece of art then," Hoseok commented while pointing at the black lace around the boy's hips.

"You want to hang up my underwear on your wall? What?" Hyungwon was obviously confused by his babbling and attempted to reach for his jeans that were way too far down to be pulled back up. The fact that Hyungwon was tipsy became obvious, as he struggled with his balance and held onto Hoseok's shoulders in an attempt to stay stable. "Are you making fun of me because of what I'm wearing? I didn't think anybody was going to see it, I just randomly grabbed something from my shelf. It's- it's comfy." 

“You think that I’m making fun of you? What is wrong with you? You look like one of those beautiful, flawless people advertising this stuff in the magazines I couldn’t afford even if I wanted to. I’ve never seen someone wear something like this and I’m simply in awe. That’s why I spaced out and stared at your dick, I’m sorry. But then again… I'm not.” Hoseok kept talking while helping Hyungwon out of his pants, socks, and shoes. “Please don’t be disappointed, I’m wearing white no-name trunks, so I could as well just swim naked. I feel best when I'm naked.”

"I- I don't care what you are wearing, you are really attractive independently," the tall boy commented and looked at his face, as if he was observing how Hoseok reacted to his words. After staring at him for several seconds, Hyungwon's thin fingers tugged at his pants again and those gorgeously long legs bent to remove the black fabric from his muscular thighs and leave it on the green grass below their feet. The boy was awkward at removing his shoes, but Hoseok didn't really care and stepped out of them easily, remaining in his white trunks. 

"Aren't you scared of being naked, among all those people in somebody else's house?" Hyungwon asked quietly as he rose and stepped a little closer, the other man's right hand stroking along his naked waist. "I already feel like wrapping myself in a towel and melting into a tree."

“That was a very disturbing image,” Hoseok commented and laughed, before simply stepping back until he could feel the cool marble under his feet. “I’m going,” he whispered and let himself fall back, heart beating like drums in his chest as the cool water surrounded him, took him in as if he belonged there and buried his body under the liquid mass. He enjoyed the sensation until his lungs started burning and he broke the surface, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “Come here,” he said, spreading his arms and looking up at the black-haired prince, who looked even taller from that angle.

Instead of following him immediately, the black-haired boy remained standing at the edge, toes barely reaching past the marble and hands curled into fists. He didn't look scared of the water or the cold, but he did seem to be scared of something, but Hoseok wasn't able to tell what it was. 

Hyungwon's lean chest was rising and falling quickly and with the light that shone on the handsome man from the pool, Hoseok could tell that he was more muscular than his body shape previously suggested. The light danced over the boy's long legs and revealed more of his hip bones that were visible through the transparent sides of his lace underwear.

_ Did you freak him out? Jooheon told you so many times that you’re fucking weird. _

“Am I weird? I mean, I know that I’m weird, but am I… super weird? Like… the bad kind of weird?” After asking questions that had obvious answers, he grabbed the marble and lifted himself up on his arms, glancing up at the gorgeous figure that obviously didn’t want to swim with him. But Hoseok wouldn’t be Hoseok, if he didn’t try everything, so he licked over his cold mouth and stared until he caught Hyungwon’s gaze. “Come here and kiss me,” he whispered.

There was a brief moment of hesitation as the boy's eyes widened, but it only stayed for a second before it made way for warm hands that reached for his cold cheeks. Hyungwon cupped his face and kneeled on the marble, kissing him softly while his big brown eyes fluttered shut. There was still some instability in the black-haired boy's movements, but Hoseok's grip on the marble edge was strong enough to stabilize them both.

Hyungwon's breaths were ragged, but it couldn't have been the kiss. The other man didn't say a single word, only licked into his mouth as he stroked over his wet shoulders and back. Long black hair tickled his cheek and stuck to his companion's face. The kiss felt so good that he sunk into the water, taking the boy along until he lost balance and fell into the water. Hoseok immediately curled his arms around the slim waist and pulled him flush against his chest, lips quickly finding the plump ones. “You asked me whether I’m scared to be naked, among all those people in somebody else’s house? No, I’m not. But I was scared that you wouldn’t want to kiss me, so I’m good now.”

Hyungwon gasped because of the cold and found a spot where he could stand easily, arms wrapped around Hoseok in return. The difference between the water around them and the burning heat of the other's body was addicting.

"Why wouldn't I kiss you? It's the only thing that doesn't feel like I'm making a mistake," the black-haired boy whispered and kissed him again, stroking along his arms to lead them to his long neck and wrapping his own around Hoseok's waist. The height difference was perfect for Hyungwon to simply lean down and kiss him, long hair curling up from the moisture and sticking to the beautiful man's skin. 

Hoseok had no idea why the other boy would be afraid of making a mistake. Maybe he didn’t have enough experience of being a mistake, didn’t know what it felt like to be considered a flaw. The thoughts were pressuring, so he distracted himself with his fingers inside the silky hair and the green reflections of the water dancing along the boy’s golden skin.

Overwhelmed, he leaned back to take another look, eyes jumping from Hyungwon’s eyebrows to his eyes and nose, down to his lips, neck and collarbones and small dark nipples that were peeking out just above the water. So attractive. “You look like a forest fairy,” he muttered, lowering his hands and stroking over the other man’s back until he arrived at the waistband of his underwear.

Hyungwon didn't say anything, but his lips parted in a gasp and Hoseok could tell that the boy's eyes darkened, showing much less of the wooden colour that he had already grown to like. Big hands roamed over his shoulders and arms and led him towards the edge of the pool where Hyungwon kissed him again, bodies flush and one lean thigh slipping in between his own. Despite being the ethereal looking one, the other man seemed fascinated by him, eyes jumping from one feature to the next before hot lips were on his again, tasting him.

He moaned quietly, feeling the arousal tingle in his body from the intense touches. Prince handsome didn’t look that determined in conversation, but the way he behaved as soon as they got close showed a different picture. Hoseok leaned in and nibbled on the boy’s neck, one leg curling around his narrow hips and slowly stroking along his backside.

The big hands on his waist traveled lower and Hyungwon caressed his thigh and calf with his left hand, encouraging him further. Fingertips traced the dips in his muscles and soft gasps entered his ears in response to his ministrations. With the bushes surrounding them and the sounds of water, one might have thought they were alone at the party. They weren’t, but Hoseok couldn’t care less.

He didn’t bother hiding his arousal. Instead, he wrapped both legs around the boy’s hips and his arms around the slim neck. It was nice being in the water because he could be sure that the slim boy could handle his body weight. He looked down at the handsome face, glowing in the reflections and leaned in, ravishing Hyungwon’s thick lips.

Warm hands curled around his thighs and behind, holding on while still exploring as much as they were able to. Hyungwon was eager to return his enthusiasm and kept the breaks for air brief, making both of them a little dizzy. The more time passed, the easier it was to recognise a smile on the pretty face and Hyungwon relaxed sufficiently to slip a few fingers under the fabric of his trunks around his thigh. He hissed in response and rolled his hips briefly, attempting to be even closer and wrap tighter around the gorgeous long body. Brushing over the boy’s shoulder, he stroked down his chest and rubbed his index finger over one of his cute nipples, humming in satisfaction because it felt fucking amazing. 

“Will you let me touch you, your handsomeness?” he whispered after sucking on Hyungwon’s thick bottom lip. His fingers were eager, roaming over the smooth, golden skin, above or under water, taking in the hotness and the flexing muscles that showed him how much the stunning forest fairy liked it.

"I wanted to ask you the same, but didn't have the words." A smile danced over Hyungwon's plump mouth and the gorgeous man used his grip on his thighs to roll his body forward, giving him friction while catching the sounds with another kiss.

Lord, it was perfect, but he knew something that was even more perfect. At least in his imagination. Wiggling out of the boy's embrace, Hoseok straightened his back as soon as his feet touched the tiles, looked up and smirked. He felt in the mood for playing around. 

Staring right into the boy's brown eyes, Hoseok slipped one hand into his expensive underwear and curled his fingers around Hyungwon's firm dick, rubbing circles around his head.

There was a gasp of surprise, probably also due to the difference in temperature between Hoseok's warm hands and the cold water that surrounded them. The boy's gorgeous eyebrows lifted up in response and he bit down on his bottom lip, probably containing additional sounds he might have made. Leaning forward, Hyungwon kissed his mouth corners and used the fingers of his right hand to brush over his nipple, each finger once as if he was an instrument that wanted to be played.

Hoseok gasped in response, licking his lips and rolling his eyes back. He allowed himself to enjoy the warmth in his hand and touches against his sensitive nipples for a few more seconds before smiling brightly and finally diving under water. The green color surrounded him as he opened his eyes. It was easy to find what he was searching for. He closed his lips around the boy's pretty dick and sucked intently while counting slowly, to make sure that he had enough air in his lungs to continue. 

The boy's legs contracted immediately and for a short moment it seemed like Hyungwon had lost his balance, but luckily the tall boy regained it by holding onto the pool edge. Almost falling over was definitely a good sign and so was the long legs spreading to give him more space. 

He gave his best, holding onto Hyungwon's firm ass and moving his head until he really couldn't breathe anymore. Swimming to the surface, he inhaled quickly, trying to get as much air as possible back into his system while continuing to stroke the boy's firm erection with his hand. "You're delicious," he whispered between the desperate inhales and laughed at himself. 

_ You also need air Hoseok. You ain't a fish. _

"Fuck," Hyungwon hissed and threw his head back briefly, showing off his delicious neck until he simply grabbed Hoseok's face and kissed him again, lifting him a little to be closer to the edge without him having to walk. "Can you jump up on the edge for me?"

_ He wants to return the favor he didn't even receive. _

Nodding quickly, he grabbed the marble edge of the pool and lifted himself up slowly until his butt settled on the stones while his feet remained in the emerald-green water.

"I can't stand when my legs are made of fucking jelly," Hyungwon muttered quietly and immediately leaned in to nibble at the skin right above his waistband, big palms caressing his inner thighs in the meantime. The boy's lips were amazing and he easily sucked big patches of skin into his mouth before soothing the spot with his warm tongue. Right before closing his lips around his clothed dick, Hyungwon glanced up, examining his face for a few seconds. When the black-haired boy found what he had been looking for, he bit into his inner thigh once and pulled his underwear just far enough to close his thick lips around the head, sucking intently.

Hoseok moaned loudly and threw his head back before immediately returning his gaze between his legs. The sight was too good to miss. Sinking his fingers into the black hair, he pulled a little, while making all kinds of sounds because it felt so fucking good. 

_ That's how it should be, isn't it? _

"Shh," Hyungwon whispered quietly in between two particularly intense sucks and used his right hand to stroke over Hoseok's neck until he reached his lips, brushing over them tenderly. "We really don't want to be interrupted."

_ You don't? _

Glancing at his face one more time, the black-haired boy got back to work, eyes fluttering shut as if he was enjoying it himself, humming just enough without being heard and allowing more of his length inside his hot mouth.

Hoseok didn't give a single shit about being interrupted. How could he be interrupted if he didn't care? But if his handsomeness needed peace to be able to continue blowing him, he was more than willing to be as quiet as possible. 

_ But not completely quiet. _

His compliance had boundaries, so he hissed and cursed, chewed on his lips and pulled on the boy's hair, feeling that he was close.

Hyungwon seemed to be able to tell, as he pulled his underwear a little lower and used his right hand to play with his balls as he sunk all the way down and let Hoseok enter his throat, accompanied by a low hum and rough breaths that left the boy's nose and tickled his abdomen.

_ He shouldn't be able to breathe with your dick down his throat. It's magic. _

"You're driving me mad, fuck, I'm so close," he babbled, pulling harder at the silky strands and trying to prevent his hips from thrusting forward. A few more sucks were sufficient to send him over the edge and let him come down the handsome boy's throat with a loud moan of his name. 

_ He doesn't have a gag reflex, does he? Someone else would've already vomited or cried. Or both. _

"Holy shit, I wish I had your skills," Hoseok muttered, breathing heavily while staring at the person between his legs. 

"Comes from being terrified of talking, you end up deep throating things just so you don't have to," Hyungwon commented as soon as he let go of Hoseok's dick which he safely packed back into his underwear. The handsome boy chuckled and wiped over his mouth to get rid of spit and whatnot until all calm suddenly disappeared from his face. The big eyes suddenly widened and Hyungwon looked up at Hoseok, hand still in the air after wiping over his lips. "God, please forget that I said that."

"You can try to knock me out and run away, but let me blow you first." Hoseok jumped back into the water and pulled the slim body out, carefully letting him sit on the edge, the same way he sat before. "You can also try talking while I have you in my mouth, if you talk well then I know that I'm not particularly skilled and if you moan unidentifiable words, then I'm doing a good job." Grinning brightly, he took Hyungwon's dick and licked over the head slowly. 

"Woah, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean- there are people around and I don't want you to think I just go around blowing people in pools cause-" Hyungwon's flow of words was interrupted by a low hiss and a subsequent 'fuck'. The gorgeous boy spread his legs a little even though it was difficult with underwear and leaned back on his arms, chest rising and falling quickly. "I probably taste like bad wine, fuck, I'm sorry in advance."

"You taste expensive," he whispered and took the prince into his mouth, immediately deepthroating to prove a point even though it was clear that Hyungwon had more skill and less of a gag reflex. His fingers dug into the boy's firm thighs and he loved how the golden stomach flexed as a reaction to his ministrations. 

Judging him was definitely not on Hyungwon's agenda as the boy held his breath and fought to keep his hips in place, stuttering forward when Hoseok hit a particularly good spot. Long fingers sank into his hair as time passed and the tall boy abandoned his inhibitions further, leading him with a few tugs and praising him intuitively.

"You're so fucking beautiful, fuck, please don't stop," the low voice muttered quietly as Hyungwon's breaths became more and more irregular and his thighs contracted sporadically.

Hoseok loved it. It was definitely not his first time, but it felt so much like it because he enjoyed it differently. The touches were for mutual pleasure without many conversations. It seemed as if they both knew what they wanted and did exactly that.

Humming and moaning subconsciously, he intensified his efforts and let Hyungwon thrust in his mouth, relaxing his jaw and giving the boy space to concentrate on his pleasure. 

A few more smooth hip motions were sufficient to feel the other man twitch in his mouth and release himself with a low moan that seemed to travel through his whole body. The tugs on his hair got less and smoothly transitioned into fingers that raked through it and stroked over his neck and shoulders.

"Fuck, I can't believe your friend doesn't let you live with him. Why would he do that? You need a place to stay and if somebody has space they should let you. God, even I have space. My apartment is huge and there is only me," Hyungwon babbled suddenly and brushed his long hair out of his face with his left hand, still catching his breath.

Hoseok struggled to concentrate on the sudden switch to accommodations while having a dick in his mouth, so he took his time to lick everything clean and let himself fall back into the water. Swimming on his back, he observed Hyungwon's gorgeous body and thought about Jooheon.

_ Watching a gorgeous male body while thinking about your best friend. That's weird. _

"He would let me live with him, but he can't, because his parents are control freaks and don't like me. I'm a bad influence, so he’s done his best by allowing me to stay for two weeks." He smiled at how ethereal the boy looked with blushed cheeks and chest. It felt so nice that he folded his hands behind his head, enjoying the cool sensation and attractive sight. "You live alone? But you probably don't have that much space. It's a mess with student accommodation here."

"Ehm- I have shitloads of space," Hyungwon replied and shrugged like it wasn't all that special to live alone and have a lot of space. 

_ You can't relate to that, Hoseok _. 

"My parents wanted me to have lots of space, so now I'm living in this gigantic flat and just lie on the couch spread-legged to pretend that I'm two people. Every neighbour asked my parents who I live with, but I'm a fucking loner."

_ He says he lives alone. _

_ And that he has a lot of space. _

_ Oh. _

His thoughts arrived at the point where his heartbeat resembled trap music and he simply stared, thinking about what to say next.

"Are you living in the city? Or far out? Never mind, actually it doesn't matter for me. Do you by chance rent out? I can pay maximum of 300 Francs if I work 20 hours a day, so if it's okay with you, I would be so happy." Hoseok glanced up, heart still hammering in his chest from the importance of the outcome of this random post-blowjob conversation.

_ Please. _

"Huh? I live right next to the uni, on the other side of the student dorms." Again Hyungwon shrugged like it was nothing to be living in Zurich's fancy-ass rich people quarter. "The apartment is paid for, the only thing you'd need to do is eat all that fruit in the fridge because I can't fucking do it."

_ Oh god, Hoseok. Fuck. _

"Oh my god," he whispered, diving and appearing right between Hyungwon's legs with a big smile on his lips. "You can't take it back, okay? This is literally the best thing that has happened to me today, you don't even know. You must really be mine."

"Ehm, o-okay," Hyungwon stuttered, visibly taken aback by Hoseok's sudden appearance but also intrigued by his smile. He was the first person to claim him for his own. 

_ Just hope that he thinks that you're attractive. _

"You look really happy. I can give you the address, then you know where to go." Again, his saviour shrugged and glanced to the side, moving his legs in the water while keeping them apart for Hoseok to have space.

"I look happy because I am so fucking happy that I could burst. Fuck, I met my savior, a Prince, a forest fairy with no gag reflex and wearing Versace lace underwear, what a fate. I can't make this up. Please tell me the address," he whispered and pulled himself up, reaching for his phone with the cracked screen, unlocking it and preparing to write while probably having shiny eyes. At least that's how he felt. Shiny and happy.

Hyungwon nodded slowly and recited his address, pronunciation clear as if he wanted to make sure that Hoseok got it right. The tall boy even mentioned that it was on the second floor and was located on the left once he got out of the elevator. Once he finished, his savior got up and made his way to his clothes, pulling them over his wet skin with lots of effort. He visibly struggled with his balance, jumping a few times on one leg until he found a tree to hold onto while he continued getting dressed. 

_ Is he trying to run away? _

"You didn't just give me an address of a strip club or something, right? Because that’s happened before." Narrowing his gaze, Hoseok observed the tall figure closely. 

“What? No- I would never do that!” Hyungwon exclaimed, obviously shocked at Hoseok’s assumption as he finally pulled his ripped jeans over his small, perky butt. Damn, his butt was so nice. 

_ Focus. _

The black-haired man reached behind himself and fumbled with his back pocket until he managed to pull out a pretty, black leather wallet. Pursing his lips, the boy grabbed his ID and held it out for Hoseok to see, pointing at the address that was printed at the back. “It’s really where I live. See?”

"I see. So the prince is called Hyungwon Chae," he started with a grin, before his smile transformed into pure happiness as he jumped into his jeans and walked towards the tall man. "Thank you so much, really. I hate those pants, but I really like you." Placing a kiss on Hyungwon's pretty, blushed cheek, Hoseok turned around and went back to find Jooheon's expensive shirt.

“You’re… not too bad either,” Hyungwon muttered in reply and fumbled with his silk shirt, buttoning it up the wrong way while missing his Converse repeatedly in an attempt to slip into it.

"I love your rebellious style." Hoseok giggled, staring at his buzzing smartphone in rising panic. "Oh… Oh, okay… okay, Honey said I have two minutes to be at the entrance or he'll go home without me. Fuck." Grabbing the shirt and simply throwing it over his shoulders without buttoning up, Hoseok blew the tall boy a kiss and pointed at the path he was already walking on. "That's the way out. See you soon, Hyungwon." 

“See you,” the black-haired boy murmured after him quietly while remaining stuck to the spot next to the tree that he was leaning against. His legs didn't want to leave and his mind didn't either, but then again, he needed a place to sleep. 

_ You have his address and he told you to stay with him. Fuck, Hoseok, this is fucking amazing. _

A wave of happiness buried him under it as he ran towards the entrance and past his friend who was judging him hard. Suddenly, he was sure that everything would be okay eventually. He was himself and he had a place to stay.

Life was spectacular.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 13th of October at 2 PM CET.  
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A groan that he couldn't identify was the first thing he heard, vibrating along his neck and shoulders and successfully pointing out to him that he was in pain. His back felt like a herd of elephants had a race on it and he definitely couldn't feel his legs past his groin.

_ What the fuck happened? _

Another groan followed and this time Hyungwon was pretty sure that it originated in his own throat, burning in his chest and hurting his ears. Everything was too loud, way too fucking loud. Some idiot must have left the window open and every car that passed the traffic light in front of the house sounded like a motorcyclist who had something to compensate for.

_ Where are you even? _

He managed to open one eye, the right one because it seemed like it would suffer the least damage from the action. The light was still too bright, but Hyungwon didn't need long to recognise the light grey carpet in his entryway that he was obviously lying on for some reason. Whatever happened last night, he definitely didn't reach his bed, like an idiot.

_ Because you got wasted, scared of fucking up as always - only to fuck up. _

Hyungwon didn't have the brain capacity to go through every single dumb thing he must have done the day before, but he already knew the list would be endless. He ignored the taste in his mouth that vaguely gave him the image of an animal dying in there and gritted his teeth. There was no way he could remain on the carpet forever.

His wallet felt like it had permanently engraved itself into his butt cheek and his ripped jeans stuck to his legs like shitty tape. His first thought was that he must have emptied a drink over them, but he couldn't really remember doing that. He couldn't remember anything after taking a swim in that secluded swimming pool.

_ Oh no, you didn't. _

Covering his face with his right palm, he rolled over and winced at the pain in his limbs and the wallet that only deepened the square it was going to leave on his skin.

_ You are such a fucking idiot. _

He couldn't believe that he was embarrassing enough to undress at a party with people and swim in his lace underwear with a dude he didn't know. What the hell had he been thinking? Why did he accept that drink? The handsome guy must have concluded that he was fucked in the head, asking for something strong, only to be unable to take it and run around in transparent underwear.

_ Remember how he stared? God, he must hate you. _

His headache only intensified and the breeze that passed over his face freaked him out even more. Because there was no way for a breeze to enter his hallway. Unless-

Opening his left eye, he saw that his front door was open, about three centimetres which was enough to glance into the hallway.

_ Which means the hallway was able to glance at you. _

Hyungwon panicked and scrambled to his knees as fast as he could, throwing the door into its lock and taking a few deep breaths. He was alone now, there was nobody there, nobody to see him and judge him for his decisions and stupid behaviour.

_ But somebody probably saw and now your neighbors think you are a nutcase. _

It was another valid reason to never go out of the door while his neighbours were in the hallway. Back when he lived with his parents it had been much easier because their house stood all on its own and it took a while to get to the next property. It had definitely been more peaceful.

_ Yes, but now it's time to adult, Hyungwon. _

He forced himself to get to his feet and barely managed to contain the contents of his stomach, saliva already collecting below his tongue. It was disgusting, so he made his way to the kitchen and gulped down a glass of water, waiting for it to settle in the pit of his stomach.

_ The first step, now you have to brush your teeth and preferably not think about everything that you've done wrong. _

It was almost funny how quickly Hyungwon switched to doing the opposite, remembering that he stood under a tree like a loner until the guy found him, probably thinking he must have run away. Of course the guy hates him, thinking he runs away, wears weird clothes, doesn't jump into the water when he tells him to and only knows how to kiss.

_ That description fits you pretty well, doesn't it? _

Unfortunately most relationships consisted of mostly talking and less kissing. Which was probably the reason for Hyungwon living in a gigantic apartment on his own, fucking up the first semester party by just getting it on instead of looking for friends and finally ending up half-dead on the carpet for all his neighbours to see.

_ And you'll probably meet him on campus, oh god. You'll have to run. _

People always thought he was rude for ignoring them or running away, but it was the most foolproof way to not make another mistake, to avoid embarrassing himself. If he doesn't say anything, he can't say anything wrong, can he? 

_ He was super nice and friendly and you blew it, literally. _

Hyungwon groaned again and ruffled up his long hair, examining how it stuck out in different directions like antennas in the bathroom mirror. That was the real Hyungwon Chae, handsome but absolutely unable to communicate with the human species. Maybe he should have been born as an insect instead, all long and brown, hanging around and looking like a stick. Hyungwon would have totally pulled that off and communicated by munching on leaves.

Even if the guy didn't think he was a weirdo, he had a friend to confirm the impression. What normal person just blows a stranger in a pool? They barely talked and Hyungwon couldn't think of any decent conversation they had. He had only been mumbling bullshit as always while drunk, giggling and looking shy instead of absolutely terrified. He must have smiled like a creep too, oh god.

His hand was quick to grab his toothbrush and begin scrubbing his teeth furiously to get rid of the taste in his mouth. Unfortunately, he couldn't erase memories the same way, so those were there to stay and remind him once again why he never went to parties, even when they were important.

_ Because you'll fuck up and everyone will remember and laugh about you until you die. _

Only when Hyungwon felt halfway decent, dressed in boxers with a bag of chips in one hand and a book on anatomy in the other, he finally realised his worst fuck-up of the night.

_ You didn't even ask for his name. _

_

Hyungwon's hands were shaking uncontrollably as he quickly stuffed his anatomy book into his leather bag along with some stray pens and his notebook that he mostly used for drawing. Instead of proper notes, like the girl sitting three seats further, he mostly drew male bodies and pretended it was a practical application instead of personal interest.

_ You're so fucking gay it's not even funny anymore. _

His heartbeat was hammering in his chest and his lungs constricted as he tried to make sure he packed everything quickly, but without seeming panicky. He could feel the girl's eyes on him and knew that she was watching him intently, waiting for him to do something stupid that she could use for her amusement.

_ Don't fuck up. Do you have everything? _

Hyungwon quickly scanned his lecture desk again, making sure there was no sheet with a drawing that he could have forgotten, no pen or even worse a personal item that could make him identifiable to people. The lecture had already been nerve-wracking enough as their professor liked to randomly choose people and ask them to name different muscles. Hyungwon's brain turned blank as soon as the elderly man stared at him, how the fuck was he supposed to remember anything? 

_ They're going to think that you're an idiot. _

The girl was still watching him, but Hyungwon felt relatively secure about having packed everything. Maybe there was something about his gait or his clothes? An additional glance told him he looked fine, his shirt was a little crinkled at the back, but that was something that happened while wearing it and he couldn't remain frozen to ensure his clothes were perfect. At least he learned that.

Throwing his backpack over his shoulder, he awkwardly made his way past the long benches and felt immensely grateful that most students had already escaped the lecture hall as quickly as possible. The professor was also occupied with his notes, so there was no way that he could unexpectedly talk to him and in case he did, Hyungwon prepared three possible conversations he remembered by heart. The worst bit was that having a prepared conversation didn't make talking any less scary, rather it reminded him that he couldn't fucking do it.

_ God, get out of here. _

Hyungwon already regretted ever leaving his bed and hurried along the hallway, staring at his sneakers to not meet anybody's gaze and accidentally give them a weird look or something. Once he was outside the building, he took a gulp of fresh air to calm down and turned to the right towards the emptier park area that led back to his home. He wanted a coffee, but he was also terrified of ordering one at a counter, so the only alternative was to go home and make one for himself.

Walking past bright green bushes and freshly cut grass, he found one of the trees he especially liked because it provided just enough shadow to be almost invisible while sitting there. At least to him with his dark hair, not for the person that was sitting there now, bright pink strands cupping their face and covering their forehead.

Surprised by the extreme hair colour, Hyungwon found himself still looking as he stepped closer, eyes passing over the black jeans with rips so big that he could see half of the man's muscular, pale thighs, a dirty grey shirt and a leather jacket that looked vintage, and by vintage he meant 30 years old. He couldn't see the face, until the person suddenly threw his head back, eyes closed and piercings reflecting the sun. There was one in the eyebrow and a ring in the thick bottom lip, mouth corners curved prettily.

Hyungwon stared, freezing right on the path where he was walking and tried to figure out why the sight was familiar, why he felt like he saw the pierced guy before. His eyes travelled over the features again, the round eyes, the delicate nose, the curved mouth corners.

His body realised faster than his mind did as his hands began to sweat and all moisture left his mouth. His heartbeat was so fast that it couldn't be normal, accompanied by numbness in his shoulder that immediately made him think of a heart attack. He couldn't have a heart attack in the middle of a park, especially not in front of the boy he blew at a party only a few days ago.

Dizziness kicked in and he half stumbled half ran to a nearby bush that was big enough to hide him while he was sitting on the ground. One palm remained on his chest to feel his heartbeat while the other curled and uncurled. He had to calm down, he wasn't dying. It was going to pass and then he would be okay, it only needed time and he had to make sure that nobody could see him. 

_ You hid, so he can't see you and make fun of you. There is only you and him around. _

Hyungwon glanced around quickly, making sure there was nobody else before he laid down on the grass and tried to calm down, thinking of nobody seeing him and the guy under the tree not knowing that he was there. If he didn't see him, then he couldn't confront him about all those terrible things he said and did and how dumbly he acted at the party.

_ You have to calm down and take a different way home, around the campus. _

Meeting the guy again was worse than having to go the long way home. As soon as they met again Hyungwon would have to talk, demonstrating that he couldn't and also had no explanation for his behaviour. God, the guy must hate him so much. Hyungwon was probably the last person he wanted to see while relaxing under that tree with music in his ears. 

Once his breaths were mostly stable and only the pain in his chest remained, Hyungwon crawled from the bush to a tree where he was able to stand up without being seen. He checked whether the path was free before he snuck out of the park. Not even once did he look back to make sure he wasn’t recognised. Instead, he stared at his shoes and put one foot in front of the next, waiting to finally be at peace again. Only when he arrived home and closed the door behind him, did he calm down, breathing slowly while hating himself for freaking out and not talking to the guy like a normal person.

He knew, he fucking knew that he was being irrational, but he couldn't help it. 

Sitting down cross-legged on his bed with his shoes on, he got out his notebook and started scribbling. First it was only a few lines that turned into the body of a man, sitting under a big tree with his head thrown back. There was no colour, only pencil strokes that outlined casual clothes and old earbuds that were still connected by a cable. The sight was so different from what Hyungwon remembered, but that made it more special, different even, as if it had never happened in the first place.

Once the ripped jeans took form, he began to add new lines, a new figure that had one leg angled up as a slim back was leaning against the tree, big eyes glancing down at the relaxing man. 

_ What is this even? _

Wishful thinking, that's what it was.

_

Hyungwon's fingers were holding onto his phone like he planned on breaking it, white from the force of his grip. His other hand was holding onto the piece of paper he wrote on, containing all the sentences he was going to read out as soon as the person on the other end picked up. It was time for a regular health check-up, but he had pushed it for over six months already and his mother had very explicitly told him how disappointed she was about his way of handling his health.

_ But back then she made the phone calls. _

The long tones of the line connecting suddenly stopped and a cheerful voice greeted him and asked how she could help him. His anxiety got worse along with the woman's voice.

"Hello, I would like a regular check-up appointment," he read out and waited for an answer as his heart hammered in his chest and he felt like he was about to faint.

Just when the woman began to answer there was a sudden melody that rang through the whole apartment and kept Hyungwon from deciphering what she said, drowning her words with happy tones.

_ Fuck, fuck what did she say? _

He panicked and shifted on the couch, staring at his piece of paper with sentences but all of them blurred into a meaningless jumble. His mind was empty and he couldn't come up with a single decent sentence. The woman must have thought he was a weirdo.

"Excuse me?" the voice asked suddenly and Hyungwon panicked, pressing the hang-up button and breathing heavily to force enough oxygen into his lungs.

"For fuck's sake," he groaned and threw his head back, lying on the couch with his legs stretched out and the piece of paper uselessly lying on his lap. It could have worked, it really could have if only he heard what the woman said after his request.

Just when he gave up and decided to try again another day, the same melody that interrupted him the first time echoed through the whole apartment. It was loud enough to be heard in the bathroom.

_ Shit, Hyungwon, it's the door bell. _

His adrenaline levels spiked up sky high and he almost fell off the couch in his attempt to jump up and free himself from the blanket that was wrapped around his legs. He wasn't prepared for visitors and all his parcels were delivered to a station where he could pick them up with a code. There was no way that anybody would come to his apartment and ring the bell.

_ Unless it's a neighbor, wondering what the fuck is wrong with you. _

The panic only got worse and he started hyperventilating as stars danced in front of his eyes. He couldn't faint now, not right when his door bell was ringing and people might break open the door, thinking something happened to him because he hadn't left the house today.

_ And then they'll see you lying on the ground, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, covered in piss. _

He couldn't faint, not now. Making his way towards the front door with wide eyes, he glanced past the peep hole but didn't see anybody. The hallway was empty which meant the person must be downstairs. It couldn't be a neighbour because otherwise they would have been right there.

_ Who is it then? _

He stood frozen in front of his apartment door and didn't dare press the key button, leaving the person downstairs like a rude bastard. He wasn't prepared, it was better not to interact instead of making a mistake. If they didn't meet, there was nothing to fuck up, right?

A few moments passed without anything happening before he heard steps approaching. They came closer and closer before stopping right in front of his door. Another second passed that felt like an eternity before the person pressed the bell again.

Hyungwon got so shocked that he accidentally hit one of the shelves attached to the wall and knocked one of his lecture books, causing it to fall to the floor. He already regretted placing it there in the first place as panic collected in the pit of his stomach. The fall was definitely loud enough to be heard on the other side.

_ Shit, now the person knows, now they know that you're there. _

Hyungwon held his breath, but there was no point anymore. He also didn't care to look through the peephole because if the person on the other side was attentive, they would be able to tell he looked, staring at his creepy eye checking out the situation. Fuck, there was no right solution for this because he had already made mistakes.

“Hyungwon?” the low voice asked, dampened by the thickness of the door between them, but still audible.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he physically had to fight with himself to take a glance at who it was. The voice wasn't really familiar, but it was somebody who knew his name. It couldn't be just anybody.

_ And you're standing here, obviously behind the door and not opening it. He'll think you're a freak. _

His breaths sounded ragged and he leaned against the door, scared that it would magically open just because the man on the other end wanted it to.

“Okay, prince handsome, I know that you are inside and I’m sorry for not warning you beforehand. To be honest, I asked around but no one knew about you, so I had to come here. Could you open the door? You might have forgotten me, but I haven’t. You said you wouldn’t take it back. Remember? After you came in my mouth.” The monologue was accompanied by light scratching noises against his door as the voice got louder, probably because the man on the other side pressed his face against it. “And you didn’t taste like cheap wine at all. You tasted really good actually. Not that it’s relevant in any way, but just to have said it.”

_ It's the guy from the pool, Hyungwon. The guy in your notebook. _

"Oh god," he whispered out loud before he could help himself. His mind was absolutely blank and he couldn't come up with a single decent thing to say. The only thing he knew was that the man on the other side of the door was screaming in the hallway, talking about sucking him off and about how his cum tasted, with his neighbours around.

_ Can it get any worse than this? _

Hyungwon wanted to fade into the wooden floor, but unfortunately that wasn't physically possible. He also didn't have a single sentence that would convince the other man to stop talking or give up. Hyungwon was the weird one after all, hiding away behind a door and too scared to talk.

_ Open the door, open the fucking door and hide or something. Then it's just one person. _

Eyes wide and fingers trembling, he stepped away from the door and opened it wide, staring at the person behind it. Instead of running as he wanted to, he couldn't move, heart hammering in his chest and lungs burning so much he felt like collapsing right there before he was swept off his feet by a heavy body that fell on top of him and narrowly missed squishing him because an arm stopped the fall right next to his head.

“Fuck, I was making out with your door, you can’t just open it out of nowhere,” the low voice breathed into his face, smelling like that pink children's chewing gum, the artificial strawberry kind.

The sudden drop to the grey carpet pushed all the air out of his lungs and forced him to take a deep breath, eyes blinking furiously to assess whether he was still alive. He was breathing- too quickly, but breathing. There was also a pink-haired man lying on top of him and talking to him, which was the bigger problem.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry for being such an idiot," he muttered and hoped that it excused everything, but it didn't. His front door was open and the neighbours could see and the guy was screaming that he sucked him off and liked the taste. "Can- can we close the door, please?"

_ What the hell are you supposed to do now? _

“Huh? Ah, the door? Sure.” Jumping up, the pink head disappeared into the hall before dumping a sports bag on the floor and closing the door as Hyungwon asked him to. “You are not being an idiot. Not really. You are just very persistent in not wanting to have guests.” Instead of observing him from a vertical position, the muscular Mr. Leather jacket returned to his previous spot on top of him, winking and smiling like the Teletubby sun. “So, where were we?”

"Huh?" Hyungwon blinked a few times and actually felt the safest on the ground, pretending that he didn't really exist and wasn't a living and talking human being, but having the guy sit right on top of him made that difficult. First of all, he kind of fancied him because he was pretty and nice and secondly, Hyungwon had fucked up so many times already that he simply couldn't understand why the guy would come to his apartment after everything.

_ Because you promised him a place to stay, you fucking idiot. Right after he sucked you off. _

Hyungwon stared, dumbfounded by his own alcohol-induced stupidity. How could he have decided something so easily while knowing that he was anxious and couldn't even talk to a fucking hairdresser? He had never lived with anybody apart from his family and he knew them, they weren't scary or anything and he wasn't as terrified of making mistakes.

_ What the hell were you thinking? _

Hyungwon didn't know, he only knew that he couldn't take it back, not with the bright smile on the boy's face and the vague memory that told him he was desperate.

Time passed and he still hadn't said a single word, stretching the awkward silence further and further while the boy's smile remained.

_ You still don't know his fucking name but invited him to live with you. _

“Well, you do remember me, right? The party, I had sprayed hair and wore Jooheon's fancy clothes and you were wearing those amazing Versace trunks. You said you would be okay with sharing your living space with me. I really thought that you gave me the address to make fun of me, but it turns out that you’re living here for real. Holy shit. It’s like a palace. I knew the prince vibes were accurate.” Tilting his head a little, the boy’s round eyes stared at him for a few seconds before turning into pretty crescents due to his bright smile. Chewing on his lip piercing, his visitor slipped the leatherjacket off his shoulders and threw it on top of his sports bag, remaining in a black shirt that had been washed at least a hundred times. Hyungwon thought of offering him a new shirt, but ditched that thought really quickly. It was probably insulting. “Jooheon said you might want sexual services because you said that you don’t want any money, but I told him that it’s wishful thinking.” Laughing loudly, the pink-haired boy took his hand and pulled him into a vertical position, while still sitting on his lap.

Hyungwon listened intently, grateful that he didn't have to say anything and the handsome man simply talked by himself, excitedly jumping from one topic to the next. He had a pleasant voice and Hyungwon felt himself relax a little until the whole sexual services thing came up and he realised where he really fucked up.

_ Of course, he thinks that if you offer him a place to live for free after getting a blow job, God. _

"God- no, I just," he began, but had no fucking idea how to explain himself. Every wording sounded dumb in his head. He needed more time to figure it out, to find the right words to make sure Mr. Leather jacket didn't think he was a sex fiend. His heart was beating strong enough to hammer in his ears. "I just wanted to help."

The dark round eyes stared at him with a serious expression before he felt warm palms against his cheeks that squeezed them, transforming his mouth into that of a fish. “Oh my god. That’s so so so nice of you, Hyungwon. Thank you so much. You don’t even know how thankful I am. I literally have no place to stay starting precisely now. As I said, I tried to find you at uni and asked people as I know your full name, but nobody could tell me, or they didn’t want to tell me. Anyways, now I’m here and you are my fucking life saviour. Lord Buckethead, I’ll try to pay you back somehow, I don’t know how yet, but I swear I will.” There was a brief jerk in the boy’s movements as he leaned in, but must have decided against it, simply licking over his red, pierced lips instead. Hyungwon really wished they could have ended all conversation right here, but then it would be even more awkward afterwards and he had just denied the thing about sexual services.

_ He seems so thankful. Does that mean he doesn't consider you creepy? _

Maybe the boy was simply too desperate for a place to stay to ditch him, deciding that he didn't want to deal with somebody who didn't know how to talk properly. Even now they had been in the same room for god knows how long, but Hyungwon hadn't managed to say a single proper sentence. That was probably the reason he got drunk and ended up inviting hot guys to live with him even though he was too fucking gay for his own good.

_ You're going to die. _

"Lord Buckethead?" he muttered eventually, wondering if his head had the form of a bucket or that was the guy's method of telling him he was stupid. "Do I look like a bucket?" 

_ God, why can't you ask decent questions? You could have asked for his name for example. _

So much time passed that at this point, Hyungwon was too fucking embarrassed to ask.

Instead of a reply he was laughed at. It looked beautiful, but it was still a laugh. Brushing back his bright-pink bangs, the handsome boy pointed right at his face and shook his head. “No, you look like a prince. Lord Bucket hat is that guy who was trying to get into the British parliament. He wore a bucket on his head, but he happened to be the only proper candidate, so there’s that. However, your handsomeness, I came here after working a shift, washing all my stuff and studying for two hours because my exam is on Monday, so just show me a spot on your carpet I can stay on and I would really like to shower if it’s okay with you. Ah, please also tell me if there are things that I’m not allowed to touch.”

Hyungwon closed his eyes because it was easier when the boy talked. The weight on his thighs was kind of calming and so was the guy’s voice, so he let it rain down on him until he realised there was a question meant for him.

_ You have to show him where he will live. He's not gonna leave, Hyungwon. He'll sleep here, indefinitely. _

His hands shook a little with the sudden realization that his possibilities to fuck up were endless and he simply shook his head, hoping that it was answer enough to most of the questions. He only had one bed, but the couch was really big and he definitely had extra pillows and blankets somewhere that his mother packed into one of the big wardrobes for emergencies.

"You can touch everything," he muttered and wondered how he was supposed to show the guy his place to sleep and the shower if he was still sitting on top of him. Was he supposed to carry him? If not, was it rude to ask him to stand up? He had no fucking idea what was best.

“Like... really everything? That sounds amazing and so easy. I struggle a lot to keep things organized inside my head and most of my brain power is used for my studies to not drop out, so I’m sorry in advance if you tell me something and I ignore it.” Another breathtakingly beautiful smile followed before the pleasant weight lifted from his thighs and he was pulled up so quickly that he got dizzy. “I owe you so much more than you can ever imagine,” the boy whispered.

"It's okay," Hyungwon replied quietly, not sure what else to say and glanced around awkwardly. There were no real rules to follow. He was on his own and the only rules that existed were for himself and made his life difficult. The other man was free to do as he liked and Hyungwon mostly hoped that he wasn't going to get freaked out by his issues.

_ He definitely will. _

"Let me show you…" He almost forgot what he wanted to say and bit down on his lip, too fucking nervous to be talking to the handsome boy. "The- the shower."

Staring straight ahead, he simply walked down the hallway and already felt embarrassed about how messy his apartment was. The blanket from before was still lying next to the couch and even though he used exactly one orange smelling thing for everything on his body, his bathroom was covered in random products that his mother bought. The guy probably thought that he loved covering himself in rose smell or something.

"Here, you can… just grab a towel and shower."

“Shit, this is so fancy,” his guest turned roommate murmured before pulling his shirt over his head and dropping it on the floor. “Is this one okay to use?” Throwing a white towel over his shoulder, the pink-haired man opened the button of his jeans and pulled down the zipper, revealing simple, black underwear.

_ You're going to die, you're going to fucking die, Hyungwon. _

He nodded quickly and hurried to the bathroom door, hoping that his staring wasn't too obvious. He only spent a few minutes with his new roommate and already wanted to sketch him naked. This was only adding to the negative points he was going to get until the muscular man decided anywhere was better than sharing a flat with him. 

Closing the door, he took a few deep breaths and hoped that he would be able to prepare a few conversation ideas before that happened. Only when he was on his own again, standing in the empty apartment and with the sounds of running water in the background, did he realise that it wasn't all that empty anymore. It wasn't going to be just him anymore. There was going to be another person, making him anxious, making it impossible to talk and turning him into a shaking mess, ready to faint.

_ You won't have a place to be yourself anymore. _

Had there been the choice to say no, Hyungwon would have immediately taken it. Because even if being alone quickly transformed into loneliness, he would have never agreed to something that could cause him to make a mistake, to show his inability to be with other humans. He wanted to, he really did, but forcing it this way wasn't going to solve his problems.

_ Your drunk self must have been desperate for company, but this is not the way to get it. _

Staring at his naked feet, Hyungwon suddenly remembered who Lord Buckethead was, because the man had said one thing that he perfectly agreed with.

_ This will be a shit show. _

**'

Hoseok was sensitive. Not in general, only when it came to people that he liked. He couldn't handle Jooheon’s face that looked so guilty that even watching it hurt. That was the reason for packing his things when his best friend was outside. 

_ You have to leave quietly and meet him only after you’ve been to Hyungwon’s place and made sure that you can stay. _

Thinking about it, Hoseok didn't even know whether prince handsome remembered him. Not that his blowjob was in any way exceptional or anything, and he didn't have the fancy clothes anymore, only his fucked-up leather jacket, two pairs of pants and a few shirts that he washed every day to always have something fresh to wear.

_ Maybe that's why you feel the best when you're naked. _

When Hoseok was naked, it felt as if it was really him, as if nobody could say anything because others were the same. Everybody was the same when naked.

_ Would be nice if everybody knew. _

How different reality was he could see as soon as he entered Hyungwon's apartment. Holy shit, it was super fancy and he couldn't get rid of the impression that prince handsome was indeed some kind of prince or at least filthy fucking rich.

_ Why does he let you in? _

It couldn't have been pity, because Hoseok had been wearing way fancier clothes when they first met and looked 'decent' as Jooheon liked to say.

_ But what if he can't say no? _

It might have been the case, but he had nowhere to go. Literally nowhere. There was no way for him to be be picky about being unwelcome or anything. The only thing he promised himself was to not be an asshole. To be kind and to help out where he could.

_ Because he's helping you out right now. He doesn't even know you, but still he does. Does he even know your name? _

Hoseok couldn't remember the black-haired boy calling him by his name and the more he thought about it, the less he knew what the situation was about. It happened often, his thoughts jumped and he ended up confused and tired. He was really tired.

After using some fancy smelling liquid in the fancy shower that he needed five minutes to operate, he finally stepped out and dried his arms, back and legs, before tying the towel around his hips. His clothes were in the bag, so he washed his underwear and folded the clothes he had worn, before stepping out and walking down the hallway.

"Is there a space where I can put my clothes? I can also leave them in the bag, but just tell me where to put it so you don't stumble over it and hate me. I need to cultivate this relationship so that you start liking me." Hoseok smiled as he grabbed his bag and walked into the living room that looked like a palace, especially for one person using it. 

Instead of getting a reply, there was nothing and he couldn't see Hyungwon anywhere. Neither in the living room, nor in the gigantic kitchen or hallway that led into the living room. Towards the opposite wall of his new sleeping space, there was even a balcony, decorated with chairs and a table and even plants. After staring at all the fancy furniture for an undefined amount of time, there was only one room left, probably the bedroom.

_ Is he hiding? _

Why would someone hide if one could just tell someone to fuck off? It was so easy, wasn't it? It didn't matter how close one was to others. Nothing mattered. Rejection was the easiest apparently.

Moving towards the closed door, he remembered some rules Jooheon had recited to him the day before and knocked carefully and asked to come in. After a few seconds, he repeated his question and pressed his ear against the door to hear a possible reply.

There was none, instead he heard shifting on the bed. It reminded him of his arrival at Hyungwon’s apartment, because he could easily tell that the person was there, but decided to not say a single word. 

_ Is he ignoring you? _

It felt weird and Hoseok had a problem with that. As soon as he felt strange, the feeling needed to be fought with immediate, thoughtless action, so he opened the door and glanced around, until his gaze stopped on the bed.

Hyungwon was lying in the middle of a gigantic king-sized bed that could have fit him about 8 times. The boy was rolled up in a blanket and staring at him with wide eyes. It didn't really seem like Hyungwon was angry about him coming in, rather, the black-haired boy looked absolutely lost, hands caught in the blanket as well and face a bright red colour like he was embarrassed.

_ Adorbs. _

"Hi. Sorry for randomly coming in, but it felt weird to talk to the door. Are you okay?" He let his gaze travel over the boy's blanket-covered body and stepped closer.

"H- hi," Hyungwon stuttered, but didn't say anything else. The boy forced one hand out of the blanket burrito and covered his face with it, groaning suddenly. "You must think I'm so fucked in the head."

_ Nah. Did people also tell him that he’s fucked in the head? Just hope that he wasn’t stuffed with pills. _

"No. I thought you were ignoring me, but I have no specific opinion on that, so I just came in because I need to put my stuff somewhere where you don't get angry at me for stumbling over it. In addition, only people who are fucked in the head are having fun in life." Smiling brightly, he stepped even closer and crouched down in front of the handsome boy. He was aware enough to fix the position of his towel to not burden Hyungwon with the sight of his freshly washed dick. Shining like the sun, he reached for the blanket, pulling it down a bit and blowing cool air against the boy's bare neck. "Isn't it hot?" 

"Oh my god," Hyungwon whispered quietly and turned towards him, teeth settled on his bottom lip. The boy's mouth immediately opened like he wanted to say more, but he didn't seem to get it out, looking unsure and glancing around again. Hoseok's nakedness must have been distracting too as he could see those big eyes focusing on his thighs more than once. "You're hot. Actually - please forget I said that."

_ Oh. That makes sense. _

"Aaah," Hoseok started, happy that it wasn't anything bad. "Damn, that's good news. Thank you, so are you. Are you by chance wearing those lace underwear again?" Hoseok tilted his head and lifted the blanked in the middle, however there was only the boy's sweatpants and he couldn't hide his disappointment.

"God, you must have no shame. How do you do that?" Hyungwon sounded genuinely surprised as he sat up quickly and fixed his blanket as if Hoseok had seen something he was trying to hide. "I don't know what underwear I'm wearing, I just grabbed a pair from the shelf and that's what I'm wearing."

_ He figured that you have no shame. That didn’t take long. _

"I have no shame because there's no point." Hoseok sighed and unwrapped the towel around his hips, simply throwing it over his shoulder and remaining stark naked. It felt so much better to not wear anything. The black-haired boy immediately jerked as if he planned on running while wrapped in his blanket. However, instead of moving, he remained in place and muttered a curse instead, visibly struggling to look anywhere but at Hoseok's dick. "You must have a lot of choices because I know all my underwear by heart. That lace underwear though, dang, it looked fabulous on you. A forest fairy dressed in lace."

"I-" Hyungwon started and opted for staring at the ceiling which was funny because the boy’s gaze definitely prefered his thighs. "I have lots of underwear, but all of it is lace. I like lace, it… feels good, I guess. Is this a normal conversation, though? Is this really what people talk about?" 

_ You're the wrong person to ask. _

"Are you asking whether it's normal to stand naked in a stranger's house and talk about his lace underwear? How would I know, Hyungwon? It feels awesome to be naked but I'll put on clothes, I promise. I only wanted to know where I’m allowed to distribute my stuff, but then you are very handsome, so I had to look closer." Hoseok stood up and held his towel in front of his crotch for a few seconds before removing it again and watching Hyungwon's reaction.

The black-haired boy tilted his handsome face to peek between his legs, only to get scared and quickly remove his gaze, staring at the ceiling again. It was definitely a point for Hoseok's confidence.

"At this point I can't tell if I'm the weird one or if you are," Hyungwon whispered suddenly and took a few deep breaths, as if to calm himself. "I- I suck at talking, but somehow I'm not even sure if that matters to you. You just- oh my god."

_ You're definitely the weird one. _

"I understand. It was dark, so one couldn't see well what one was even touching. Now it's really bright here. Look as much as you like, I don't mind." He threw the towel over his shoulder and winked. "So, are you telling me to put my clothes in your wardrobe? Is that why you didn't tell me where to put them yet?" 

His confidence must have really made Hyungwon shy as he played with his long hair and glanced to the side as if to make sure he didn't blatantly stare at Hoseok's body while talking. It took a few moments as if the other man was furiously thinking and trying to come up with what to reply.

"You can… put your clothes wherever you want. There is lots of storage space, just choose a shelf you like," the black-haired boy murmured and pulled the blanket down to his lap, probably feeling hot in all those clothes and a fat duvet. "Aren't you- I don't know - afraid of being judged or something?"

After eyeing the wardrobe, Hoseok left the room and came back with his bag, sorting his clothes into a half-empty shelf next to Hyungwon's t-shirts. After some time passed he realised that the boy had asked him something.

_ Your attention is on point today. _

"Judged? I'm being judged all the time, but that's just how it is. It's not scary, it's the way I live. Do you judge me?" he turned around and slowly wrapped the towel around his hips. 

"No, but- I would be scared," Hyungwon replied and sighed softly. This time the boy removed the blanket completely and stood up, brushing back his long hair and letting it fall beautifully around his small face. "But I know that the one who judges the most is myself, it only doesn't really help knowing it, you know? God, that was too much 'know'." 

_ That sounds complicated. _

"I think you're gorgeous," Hoseok commented truthfully and turned towards the handsome boy. "But you seem different from before. I guess that's because I'm weird. I still hope that I'm not the bad kind of weird." Hoseok knew he had to dress, so he sighed and gave up on his personality, removing the towel, slipping both legs into the black trunks and pulling them up to cover his butt.

"You misunderstood, you're- you're fine, I just don't have any liquid courage to save my ass." Again Hyungwon sighed and covered his face, it seemed like he was covering his mouth and nose for a few moments before breathing again. "I wasn't kidding when I said I can't talk. I'm- I'm only talking because you're here and you won't run yet. I mean- you probably will eventually cause I'll fuck up as always, but currently it's kinda safe. I guess?" 

He listened with one eyebrow raised, until he’d had enough and moved towards the ridiculously handsome boy before stopping right in front of him and blowing air against his thick lips. "You make absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever," he whispered, licking his lips tentatively. "You don’t, but I kinda like it."

"I know, I never fucking do, so… wait-" Hyungwon sounded resigned until he looked up and licked over his lips in return, eyes widening briefly. Somebody had once told Hoseok that mirrored actions meant that people were paying attention. "You like that I make no sense? That- that makes no sense."

_ Yes. It’s chaos. _

"It does. You don't say ordinary things that everybody says, like, 'Hoseok, get dressed', or 'Why were you born in the first place?'. Instead you're talking about me running away and not being able to talk while you're talking. It's cute." Hoseok reached out and brushed a long, black lock out of the boy's handsome face. "I think meeting you was my destiny and now…" He licked his index finger and pressed it against Hyungwon's cheek, "... you're mine."

The boy didn't say anything. Big brown orbs jumping from one of his eyes to the other, as if he expected Hoseok to do even more.

_ Does he want you to do more? _

"I'm- I'm yours? Just like that?" The tall boy glanced to the side as if he expected somebody to suddenly appear behind the door and laugh at him or something. Since nothing happened, Hyungwon returned his attention to his face and failed at his attempts not to stare.

"Yes. Would you like to raise any objections? You can, but I'm not accepting any." Hoseok winked and took the towel from the bed, rubbing his hair furiously in an attempt to dry it.

"I- I don't know. I never had anybody blatantly declare me to be their property. Except for my mom I guess." Hyungwon made his way back to the bed and sat down on the edge, watching Hoseok attentively. "The pink- it comes off a little, doesn't it?" 

He stopped in the middle and stared at the pink stains on the white towel, furiously calculating how much a towel at the prince's place might be worth and how many hours he had to work to pay for it.

_ Why are you doing this all the time? It’s not your stuff. _

"My mom only declared that she would be happier if I wasn't there, so I guess it's good to be someone's, or not?" Hoseok looked at the big brown eyes, before glancing at the towel. "How much... is this?"

"I don't know, just leave it pink. We can celebrate gay." Hyungwon groaned and massaged his temples, but it seemed like he regretted his words way more than Hoseok ruining a perfectly white towel. "Your mom- she's fucking mean, dude."

Laughing loudly, Hoseok continued rubbing his hair. "My mom is the nice one to be honest. My dad is… well, yeah. Also, I didn't mean that you're my property because I don't own anything apart from the stuff that was in that bag. I just meant that you're mine because that's how it feels to me. You're so nice. My person."

Hyungwon hummed and pulled his long legs up on the bed, arranging them under his ass.

"You can have the towel too, it fits you somehow. Well, and… me I guess." The tall boy rested his elbows on his thigh and used his palm to balance his head on it. The full lips disappeared as Hyungwon pulled them into his mouth. It looked a little funny because it made his eyes seem even bigger and his hair seemed like a black curtain, hiding him from curious glances.

"Oh my god, really?" Hoseok exclaimed in pure excitement and hurried to the wardrobe to put on a pair of ripped jeans and a grey shirt that had a tiny rainbow flag printed on the left. "I will treasure this towel. Should I cook something for us? I just need noodles and an egg."

Hyungwon lifted his head from his palm and looked nervous, fumbling with his hands.

"Do you think… you could eat the fruit in the fridge first? My mom will kill me if she finds out I didn't touch it and she could go through the garbage if she really wanted to, so I don't want to throw it away either." Sighing out loud, Hyungwon let himself fall to the sheets and looked like he imagined himself melting into them, long legs stretched out.

_ Wow. What’s with your friends’ creepy parents? _

Well, at least his friends had parents.

"Fruit? I can eat anything. Do you have any plans tonight?" Hoseok glanced at the gigantic bed and stepped closer, wondering how it felt to lie on it. "Can I try out your bed?"

"Huh? Of- of course," Hyungwon stuttered and rolled to the edge, lying on his side and observing Hoseok. There was some color on his cheeks, but it looked really good on him. "Did you… rip those jeans yourself?" 

"I wish," he laughed and threw himself on top of the bed, rolling around and giggling. "They were a little bit ripped two years ago when I got them, and now they're like this. Your bed is so comfy, shit, I want to live here."

"Now that's something I can relate to," Hyungwon replied quietly and Hoseok could see how a smile passed over the boy's plump lips. "Is your bed at home not comfy?"

"I had a mattress, but I guess my parents have thrown it away, like me." Hoseok smiled back and rolled to the side, eyes focusing on the boy's handsome face. Hyungwon was really pretty. "Are you in a relationship? I mean- it's not any of my business, but I'm preparing myself for the eventuality and to be cursed at for living with you."

Suddenly the handsome boy laughed and shook his head, but it didn't seem cheerful at all.

"As if," Hyungwon muttered and buried his face in the nearest pillow, taking a few deep breaths. "I told you I'm not the talking type. Relationships involve talking. I'm better online, but then people get disappointed when we meet."

_ He’s adorable though. And handsome. And rich. A fucking prince. _

"I don't use social media frequently because I can't see half of my screen so I keep misunderstanding messages. People are usually disappointed in me, independent of whether I talk or not, so I'm happy that you didn't call the police." Brushing back his almost dry hair, Hoseok reached for the pillow and pushed his palm down. It was super soft. 

"Call the police?" Hyungwon lifted his head again, probably a little weirded out since Hoseok's fingertips reached his nose. The handsome boy was breathing quickly, probably not getting enough air while hiding his face in the pillow. "Why would I call the police? Are you a… delinquent? Do you beat people up?"

“I don’t beat people up, but I guess you could consider me a delinquent in one way or another. Does your pillow smell good? Is that why you’re burying your face in it?” The question wasn’t enough to satisfy his curiosity, so he leaned down and stuck his face into the pillow next to the handsome black-haired boy. It smelled nice, like orange blossoms.

"I- god, you really confuse me. I'm about to freak out, but then you just stuff your face into my pillow." Hyungwon took a deep breath and held the air in his lungs, lips still pressed together a thin line. "Why are you a delinquent if you don't beat people up? I mean, sure, you have a lot of tattoos and piercings, but you seem… really nice to me, friendly and at ease- like a breeze." The boy's face blanched a little and he groaned. "I- I swear I didn't mean for it to rhyme."

“You could be a rapper. I dig it,” Hoseok commented and giggled, turning towards his newly found savior. “I am a delinquent because there is no place for me in society, but I’m studying hard and maybe one day we will have a society where there is space for me too. Right now, you are my society because you are the only one who has space for me. Thank you, Hyungwon.”

The black-haired boy didn't reply and only kept his gaze focused on Hoseok's face. His hands were lying calmly on the sheets. He didn’t play with them as he had before and those plump lips were finally released from their confinement. Hyungwon looked overall confused.

_ Because you don’t make any sense. _

"I- I don't understand why there wouldn't be space for you. Sure, you are a little weird, but you're human too. There are health care services and stuff, aren't there? To help people in need. Aren't you somebody in need?" The black-haired boy used his arms to sit up and crossed his legs, observing Hoseok intently. "Am I helping you that much by letting you stay here?"

Hoseok mirrored the movement and sat up with his legs crossed, staring at the unreadable expression on Hyungwon’s face.

“Yes? I would have no place to go and would end up sleeping in the lecture hall. Well, for a day probably until they threw me out because they already know my face. It wouldn’t be the first time. I also slept in Honey’s cellar once, but his mom found me, so I can’t do that either.” He chewed on his lip piercing and scratched over his jeans with his right hand because the topic made him nervous and reminded him of all the things that were wrong with his life. “You are my savior, I told you. My person.” Again, Hoseok licked his finger and touched the boy’s cheek. “I marked you, so now you’re mine,” he commented while grinning brightly.

Hyungwon only nodded and spread his crossed legs a little wider. He must have been pretty flexible despite his long limbs.

"But… why can't you stay at home? Isn't that what a home is for, to live there and be taken care of until you are an adult? I already hate adulting and I haven’t even started. It's only the third week, fuck." Groaning, the handsome boy massaged his temples and took a few deep breaths.

“Uhm, the way you talk about home sounds kind of amazing,” he whispered, trying to imagine how it would feel to live at home and be taken care of. He wasn’t able to. Maybe one needed to experience it at least once to be able to imagine it. “But I have no idea what it would feel like. I don’t have a home. Tell me about it.”

"W-well," Hyungwon began and shifted again, glancing around. The boy's lips parted, but he needed at least three attempts to get a sentence out of his mouth. "It's well- I mean- you live there, have a… have a bed and your mom makes food or the housekeeper does and… your dad works and tells you about disgusting surgeries during dinner. Then you… you stay home and they try to get you outside, but it's hard because you're scared, but when they go with you it's kind of okay? Don't you have a place like that? Fuck, I hate adulting, I must sound like such a pussy."

_ Huh? _

Hoseok asked himself whether he was extremely dumb, or whether the explanation sounded like some kind of unrealistic movie with a plot twist. Why would someone be scared if they had a nice family, a home, food, a bed and even a housekeeper?

“I think fuckers don’t understand what you’re talking about. It’s me, I’m fuckers,” he murmured and shifted closer, tilting his head and trying to get more information by staring like a creep. “You literally have all the things in the world, prince handsome, why would you be scared? I’m scared if I sleep in the lecture hall and the janitor comes and throws me out and then I have to leave, but it’s raining, so I have to sleep under a bush. But then again, it’s usually okay, because when I did that three weeks ago, the next day it was so sunny in the morning that my clothes dried and I could go to the lecture in dry clothes.” He smiled proudly and nodded to himself.

Hyungwon didn't reply and only pulled at his fingers, staring at an arbitrary spot on the perfectly white sheets.

“In addition, you don’t sound like a ‘pussy’, whatever that was supposed to mean. Is a pussy something bad? I don’t think so. You sound as if you’re uncomfortable about something, but I struggle to understand what it is.” Thinking further, he gasped and threw himself on the mattress, head placed on the crossed legs and glancing up at the handsome face. “It’s not me, right? Am I making you uncomfortable?”

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he moved his hands out of the way, but didn't try to get away either. Hoseok could easily tell that his saviour was at a loss with his sudden actions and the unexpected body contact, but he also didn't tell him off or push him away like others would do.

"People," the black-haired boy whispered suddenly and let his big eyes flutter shut, eye movements still obvious behind his eyelids. "I'm fucking scared of people."

_ He is scared of people. You are people, you dumbass. _

“Oh my god,” Hoseok muttered and shifted, unwilling to move even though it was obvious. “I’m people too, right? I mean, I know that people can be super nasty and they are, but I’m not terrified of people. I know that I should go away after you told me that you are scared of me, but I don’t want to. I guess that’s what makes me a delinquent.”

"No, it's- it's complicated," Hyungwon mumbled and opened his eyes again, looking down at Hoseok on his lap. "I'm not really afraid of what people will do, but of what I will do, you know? There are so many things I could do wrong and I always do. So people will see and laugh at me until I die." The thought must have been really terrible to the other man as a shudder passed through his slim body.

Hoseok thought about the other man’s words for a few seconds, but it still didn’t make sense.

“I don’t understand. We met at that party, right? You were gorgeous and funny. You were wearing this stunning lace underwear that probably costs more than my life, you kiss like a god and you have no gag reflex whatsoever. I mean, you didn’t do one thing that I would have considered wrong. But then again… I’m a delinquent, so I keep doing things that others consider wrong. I guess I am not in a position to judge.”

"I drank half a bottle of wine before going to that party just so I could go," was the low reply as Hyungwon sighed and stared straight ahead, at the white wall of his bedroom. "Touching is easier because I don't have to talk, you know? I can't say something stupid if my mouth is busy."

_ Hoseok. Just think, you idiot. Your interaction consisted of getting each other off. That’s why he offered you to stay. _

“Oh… Oh, wait, is that why you offered help? Because… we made out? Do you want me to touch you? Now?” He lifted from his warm spot and stared at Hyungwon’s big, brown eyes, one hand reaching for the boy’s lean thigh, stroking along it without applying much pressure.

"W- what?" Hyungwon stuttered and un-crossed his legs, weight resting on his arms that he used to slip a little closer to the edge of the bed. "I just said it's easier, it doesn't mean that- that you have to touch me. I-" There were no more words leaving the boy's lips as he pulled them into his mouth and took a deep breath, eyes jumping over Hoseok's features like he was desperately searching for something.

_ It’s easier for him to be next to you like this. Just like you thought. _

Hoseok licked his lips to return some moisture and propped up against the mattress, leaning forward until their faces were only a few centimeters apart. He liked how the tall prince smelled and being closer gave him the whole experience.

“How can I kiss you if you hide your lips?” he whispered, fingers enjoying the firmness of the boy’s thigh.

Hyungwon didn't reply, but let go of his upper lip while chewing on the bottom one with his teeth, eyes unable to decide which eye they wanted to look at or if Hoseok's lips were the better choice. He obviously had an effect on the handsome prince as his thighs contracted under his fingers and he stopped moving away from him.

“Better,” he commented with a smile and leaned in, connecting their lips and humming at the warmth and softness. He couldn’t remember Hyungwon’s mouth being this delicious.

_ Are you hungry? You haven’t eaten, so now you’re imagining someone’s lips to be delicious. _

At least it wasn’t a dick. Yet. Hoseok was definitely hungry and needed to eat something, but first, he needed to make sure that his roommate was comfortable around him.

The hesitation that had been so blatantly obvious on Hyungwon's face only moments ago smoothly left every cell of his body as Hoseok felt a warm hand cup his cheek and tilt his head slightly to deepen the kiss. The other man spread his legs to have more space for him and sat up, wrapping an arm around Hoseok's waist.

_ Yeah. He can definitely handle you better like this. _

It was okay and of course, he liked it too, so he wrapped his arms around Hyungwon’s neck and exhaled sharply between their kisses, body shifting closer almost automatically. The boy’s newly found enthusiasm was surprising, but then again it wasn’t.

_ What did you think? That he let you live with him because he liked you? He doesn’t even know your name. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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A heartbeat that beat steadily in his ribcage, but not too fast, just the right speed to show excitement. Breaths that were forced to leave his nose in quick exhales because his tongue was too occupied licking into a warm mouth, meeting the delicious tongue and forgetting that there had ever been any time he was forced to talk.

_ You're terrible for doing this. _

It wasn't like he didn't know, he did. He knew that the handsome pink-haired man that cheerfully occupied his lap probably thought that Hyungwon wanted to be close to him, to taste his lips and touch him. The conclusion wasn't a lie either.

_ Because you do, he's gorgeous and you've been struggling since he sat on top of you in the hallway and decided to undress in the bathroom. _

Hyungwon wasn't used to another man in his apartment, another attractive man that kept talking to him and was beautiful and didn't get so annoyed that he simply left because Hyungwon didn't say a single word to him.

_ But you don't know if he wants to do this, you couldn't explain yourself. _

He had no idea how to tell the guy that he was anxious, that he was afraid of making mistakes and struggled to talk to people he didn't know. God, sometimes he struggled even when he knew them. He felt pressured when he was asked a question and if there was an easy way out, then he was going to take it, like a coward.

_ You're such a coward right now. _

Hyungwon had never met anybody he had ever made out with again, probably because he did everything to ensure it didn't happen. When he kissed a boy in his art group, he left the group and when he made out with somebody in high school, he begged his mother to let him change classes. He literally did everything to not get into situations where he was face to face with somebody he was close with before. Until now.

_ Because you invited him to live with you and you can't take it back because he has nowhere to go. _

His anxiety moved to the back of his head and gave him more time to think, more time to word his thoughts and decide what he wanted to do next. His mind didn't feel as empty as it had right before the boy in front of him kissed his lips.

Hyungwon reached out and stroked past a protruding ear over the mostly dry strands, pulling the other guy further on top of him. It was difficult unless he ended up on his lap, but Hyungwon also didn't want to force him into anything, keeping the touches light, careful but sure. He knew what he was doing, he only hoped that it was fine to be doing it. He still didn't know the boy's name, but at this point it was too embarrassing to ask. There was no way that the other guy would ever talk to him again if he did.

Instead of any possible resistance, the heavy body ended up on top of him, pressing him into the mattress and delicious lips ravishing his mouth. The hand on his thigh moved further towards his groin before changing its path and brushing over his hip bone, travelling up his side.

The touch felt good, so he inhaled through his nose instead of making too much noise and intertwined his fingers with the pink hair, tugging lightly to see if that was something the other guy enjoyed. 

His eyes widened briefly when he suddenly felt metal against his lips, especially since Hyungwon had never kissed anybody with piercings before. Observing the other boy's face intently, he moved his bottom lip over the metal ring to see if he had to be careful and it was painful. Instead of signs of pain, there was a bright smile and the boy's pierced tongue that licked over his upper lip before the pink hair disappeared and he felt the hot lips against his neck.

"Fuck," he muttered, hyper-aware of the metal ring and the tongue piercing now that he saw them. He let his eyes flutter shut and focused on the way it felt, but the uproar in the pit of his stomach didn't allow him to relax for long. He wasn't drunk, which meant his brain was perfectly capable of assessing his fuck-ups.

_ Which means you can't just sit here, you need to act or you'll freak out. _

Tightening his grip around the boy's middle, Hyungwon turned them and lowered the muscular body to the mattress, grateful that he had enough strength despite their difference in body mass. The small, round eyes and curved lips were a stunning combination and even though the pink hair was unusual, it fit him. Hyungwon caught himself staring for a few long seconds until he finally moved again and caught the boy's lips in a deep kiss, licking over the tongue piercing with his own tongue to figure out whether it was okay. He wanted to attach his lips to the skin under the grey shirt, but that would have to wait.

"Do you like it?" the low voice asked, accompanied by a smile and delicate hands that slipped under his shirt, caressing his skin.

Hyungwon hummed because it was easier, but by only humming he abandoned his chance to return the question, leaving him unsure whether the other man liked what they were doing. There were no real physical signs yet, especially since their groins weren't pressed together, so Hyungwon had to find other means. 

Lifting up the grey shirt with his index finger and thumb, he licked from the center of the boy's collar bones to his solar plexus. From there he chose the right nipple and licked over it, playing a little before closing his mouth around it and sucking once. He had no idea whether his new roommate liked to have his nipples touched, but this was the only way to find out without having to talk. There were some really nice pectoralis major attached to the pink-haired boy, but Hyungwon decided to touch them some other time.

"Fuck," his partner moaned and curved his back, throwing his head back and baring his neck while showing off the thick veins that pulsated right under the pale skin. Hyungwon's brain immediately supplied 'right external jugular' and he found himself wishing he was drunk instead. His thoughts were interrupted by his shirt that was pulled over his head and thrown against the wall before landing on the floor. The boy sat up, immediately going for his neck and sucking his earlobe into his mouth.

Hyungwon used the time to collect the grey fabric in his hands and move it all the way to the boy's neck until he lifted his arms and allowed him to remove it completely, leaving it at the edge of the bed instead of throwing it as far away as possible. He had learned it could be awkward with clothes thrown all over the room.

Since those curved lips were rather fond of his neck, he enjoyed the sensation and used the time to slip his right hand under the waistband of Hoseok's jeans, cupping his ass until he returned to the front and opened the button and pulled down the zipper. 

"You're so attractive, this is insane. I love how gigantic your hands are, makes me feel normal when you curl your fingers around me." The pink-haired man mirrored his actions and tugged at the fabric. "Let me take them off," the low voice whined into his neck. 

Hyungwon nodded and remembered what the gorgeous man must have meant by 'normal'.

_ He has a huge dick, you had it in your mouth and were surprised. _

He gave the boy enough space to slip out of his jeans, but used the time to stroke over a pretty nipple with his fingertips. Once the other man freed himself from the confinement of his tight jeans, Hyungwon placed a kiss right above a small mole under the boy's navel, admiring it silently just like the bulge in the black underwear. He was a really simple person and very gay.

"Let me undress you too," the boy moaned and simply threw him on the mattress, settling on his legs and pulling down his pants. "Shit," he hissed when Hyungwon remained only in underwear. The round eyes roamed his body like careful fingers, lips parting in another hiss. 

_ Is it because it's lace? _

Again, Hyungwon remained quiet, hyperaware that he had definitely said more the last time while being drunk. The way those dark eyes travelled over his skin looked intrigued, so he reached out and stroked over the boy's sides and pecs, enjoying how firm the muscles were. They probably felt like stone when the other man orgasmed and Hyungwon really wanted to feel them when he did. He wasn't going to say that out loud, but the desire remained in the back of his mind.

His partner was obviously aroused and his eyes had gotten darker, a good sign that he welcomed the touches and the pleasure. The knowledge calmed the voice in Hyungwon's head that called him a fucking coward.

Reaching out, he ran his fingers over the boy's thighs and finally over his clothed length, tracing its form and veins while applying just enough pressure to feel good. He was teasing, but teasing was a nice way to enjoy what came after.

"Touch me." The boy's lips parted in a whisper, while his hands reached for the seam of his underwear, stroking over the lace and drawing the patterns with careful motions of his warm fingertips.

Exhaling softly at the beautiful sight and combined sensations, Hyungwon followed through with the request and lifted the black fabric away from the boy's hips while his right hand wrapped around his dick. He gave it a few experimental strokes before building up a rhythm and focusing on the sensitive head and the transition to the shaft. Watching the way the boy's foreskin moved along with his hand was fascinating, but the blissful expression on the pretty face was much better.

"Breathtaking," he whispered, but hoped that the other man didn't hear as soon as the words were out. It made him sound like somebody who only talked when he got something, which wasn't true. He just never talked.

"I like how different you are when you touch me," the pink-haired man whispered between the unrestrained moans, thrusting into his hand every now and then. His partner's defined muscles that were covered in different tattoos flexed in reaction to his touch.

Hyungwon couldn't help but stare, unfamiliar with tattooed skin and how it moved. He had stared at the pool too, because the ink was perfectly attached to the body, floating but at the same time a part of it. The sight made him want to sketch it, but not while evoking pretty moans from the boy's lips.

Of course he liked the way Hyungwon acted when he touched him, because he wasn't that boring. He actually responded and he was able to act on what he was told. Basically it was the only time he knew how to act like a decent human being. Unfortunately that time tended to end very quickly.

He increased the speed of his hand and wondered about how to make the experience nicer. Proud of his discovery, he attached his lips to the muscular chest, nibbling along it until he reached a nipple and sucked intently. He liked pairing a suck with a flick of his wrist. It was a replacement for giving a decent reply to Hoseok's comment.

"Oh my god, Hyungwon," the muscular man moaned his name because he knew what his name was, thrusting into his hand and hips stuttering a little. "I'm close."

_ You can't even say his when he makes you feel good, because you don't know it. _

Hyungwon hummed and increased his efforts, lips vibrating around the hardened bud in his mouth while his hand sped up with a focus on the sensitive head, tightening his grip as it moved up. He really wanted to feel the boy's pectoralis major contract, but his lips would have to remember the experience instead of his hands.

"Fuck, Hyungwon, fuck me up," the boy moaned and his thick erection twitched in his hand just like the sensitive bud hardened in his mouth and he covered his stomach in his release, panting loudly.

_ He's so expressive with his pleasure, not afraid of being judged at all. _

This was usually the moment Hyungwon freaked out and was expected to talk, but he purposefully procrastinated by licking over the bud a few more times. Glancing at his hand briefly, he continued with that, licking off the boy's release because he couldn't talk when his mouth was busy. He really wanted to keep it busy, with snacks or literally anything else.

_ You're usually good at spoiling people sexually. _

"Oh god, you…" the low voice said as soon as he was done. Not much time passed until his pink-haired roommate caught himself and stared at him with an intense gaze that travelled over his underwear that slowly moved down his legs, accompanied by kisses on his thighs and black, round eyes. "I can't believe I'm about to taste you again."

_ Is he that fascinated because he can touch you? _

Hyungwon wasn't sure, but it was similar to the way he felt, so he could understand the other man's enthusiasm. The only problem was that his heartbeat sped up and he immediately worried about making weird noises or sounding everything but manly. He hadn't cared when he was drunk and sitting on the edge of a pool.

Sucking his lips into his mouth, he merely nodded again and stroked over the boy's arms and hair when he was too far down to touch anything else. He thought of staring at the ceiling, but that probably looked very unenthusiastic, so he opted for lifting up on his elbow and observing. The pink-haired man was really handsome, especially naked, so hopefully that was going to distract him.

"Do you like being active or do you like being spoiled?" Round eyes peeked from his groin as the pink-haired man waited for his reply, playing with his balls in the meantime.

_ Fuck, he asked you something. What the hell are you supposed to say? _

Hyungwon's chest immediately constricted and he worried about not getting enough air, or even worse, suddenly losing his arousal. That would literally be his biggest nightmare, seem uninterested even though he really was.

"I'm fine with anything," he forced out and inhaled sharply, eyes closing as he tried to think of something good, of the way the boy looked when he orgasmed and said his name.

"I forgot. No talking, right?" the boy said before curling his fingers around his length and whispering 'Look at me'. 

Hyungwon felt bad for reminding the other man of his struggles, but followed the request, looking down and meeting those round eyes. The boy had a look of concentration, probably because he had to deal with Hyungwon's issues. Instead of saying anything, he stuck out his pierced tongue and started playing with his tip, sliding the barbel over the slit while keeping his gaze on his face.

Hyungwon's eyes widened because of the bolt like sensation that passed through his groin and travelled along his legs. A gasp escaped his tightly shut mouth and he could feel his arms relax, letting him fall back on his elbows because of how pleasant the feeling was. It must be due to the piercing, because he definitely hadn't felt that way before.

_ He'll probably think you're weird, almost losing your erection before going nuts just because he used his piercing on your dick. _

"It feels good, right? I know it does. Maybe I have a gag reflex, but I can also make you see stars. I hope. Seeing stars is something good, right?" The pink head moved while the boy talked, however, he didn't seem to be waiting for an answer as he simply deep-throated Hyungwon without any warning, hands curling around his hips and pulling them towards his mouth.

It felt so good that Hyungwon groaned and threw his head back, lifting his hips on his own to aid the other man in his quest. The boy was right, it did feel amazing and Hyungwon instantly found himself hoping to feel the sensation again. He didn't even care if he was going to see stars even though those usually meant he was about to faint.

"Mmh," he hummed and bit down on his bottom lip, eyes fluttering shut. "It feels amazing."

His partner couldn't answer as he was busy sucking him off and making sure the piercing slid over his slit as often as possible. There were hums that vibrated against his dick and the boy seemed to enjoy touching him.

Hyungwon couldn't tell if his breaths were that loud in his head or whether he was actually panting from how good it felt, hips stuttering in an attempt to feel more. His eyes were focused on the pink head that moved between his legs and the slurping noises that Hyungwon would have been terribly embarrassed about, but that his pink-haired companion didn't seem to mind at all.

The more effort the boy put into his pleasure, the more persistent his curiosity was, wondering whether it was going to hurt if the barbel actually pushed into his slit.

_ You're so fucked in the head, God. _

Suddenly his roommate hooked his arms under his legs and lifted them, licking a strip from under his balls to the base of his dick, before taking him whole again. 

"Fuck," Hyungwon moaned and forgot whatever it was that he had been thinking about, long hair rubbing over the sheets and fingers of his right hand tightening in the boy's pink hair. It felt good, so fucking good that he forgot himself, gasping out loud and muttering praise. He was so fucking close.

The other man was attentive, repeating the whole thing while pulling him towards his mouth by the grip on his legs, erection buried in his warm throat and increasing the speed of his movements.

It was too much to hold back, so he let himself go and orgasmed between the boy's lips, moaning out loud and unable to hide the sound with his hands or the sheets. He was too far gone to keep track of what he was doing, lying on the mattress with his legs mostly in the air and a strange whimper that he had never heard from himself stretching out between them. 

_ Holy shit, you sound like such a pussy. _

He came already, but the pink-haired boy continued playing with his tip, using his tongue piercing and his lips to evoke more sounds. The hot mouth sucked on the skin of his balls while the man's dark eyes stayed focused on his face.

He tried to hold his breath, but it was difficult with oversensitivity and he just whimpered instead until he found the strength to cover his mouth with his right palm, eyes widening a little. The pink-haired boy obviously knew what he was doing and Hyungwon was being embarrassing by reacting so much.

_ Maybe he thinks it's funny. _

Just as the thought appeared in his head, the boy let go of his dick with a loud noise and sat back on his calves, staring at him. "Was that okay, or do you want more?"

_ What? _

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he blinked a few times, struggling to parse what the sentence actually meant.

"I'm- I'm fine. It's not just… about me."

_ God, he only did it for you after all, even though he looked like he liked it. _

The other man must think he was terrible, fucking terrible. Hyungwon was somebody who used other people's desperation and misery for his pleasure now. It couldn't get any worse that that.

_ It can, you don't even know his name. _

"Mhm, I really liked how your lips felt around my nipples. Usually I'm super sensitive, but you know how to touch me just right. Can I…" the boy brushed through his pink hair that was slightly wavy now. "Can I lie down next to you for a bit?"

_ This is easy, Hyungwon. You can do this. _

He nodded and opened his arms, waiting for the weight of the other man in addition to hot skin against his.

_ Next to you, he said next to you, you idiot. _

It was too late to act, but his anxiety was already spreading through his blood stream.

"This is even better," the low voice exclaimed before the pale, muscular body covered him under its weight, pink strands tickling his neck and warmth of the boy's lips noticeable against his chest.

_ He's fine with it? _

Hyungwon didn't know if he could believe the boy's excited voice, but the heavy weight on top of him felt good, steady, much unlike his confidence. The pink strands almost made him giggle, but he endured for the sake of decency and carefully wrapped his arms around the muscular back. It was intimate, much more so than he was used to because both of them were stark naked and had nothing to hide behind.

_ This is really calming, even more so than sex is. _

"Hyungwon?" the low voice asked.

"Mmh?" he replied softly and tilted his head to inhale the scent of the boy's hair. It smelled like roses which was oddly fitting.

"If I don't eat in the next two minutes I'm going to faint. I thought I would faint with your dick in my throat, but I was pretty sure that I'd die, so I held on. Now it's…" the boy murmured, voice getting quieter with every passing moment until the tension disappeared and the body on top of him pressed him down with all its weight that was way heavier than he thought.

_ He was hungry, but sucked your dick instead because he thought he had to. _

Hyungwon panicked, but it was a different kind of panic. He struggled to escape from under the boy's weight and basically ran to his kitchen, pulling out whatever was immediately edible from the fridge and carrying it all in his hands. Upon his return to the bedroom, he spread the fruit he acquired on the bed, in addition to a random brie cheese he brought along.

"Do you like any of this?" he asked and really hoped the pink-haired boy wasn't going to faint from hunger. He could never forgive himself for that.

_ You probably wouldn't leave your room anymore. God, you're terrible. _

There was no reply and the longer Hyungwon stared at the motionless boy without muscle tension, the clearer it was that he had just fainted, because of him.

_ What the hell do you have your medical knowledge for? You have no time for hating yourself. _

He acted quickly, checking whether air was leaving the boy's nose and mouth and making sure it was regular. Once that was done, he grabbed all the pillows he had and placed those muscular legs on top, thinking about what to do next.

_ Water. _

Hurrying to the kitchen, he filled the one gigantic glass that he had, planning to use it for drinking and sometimes to pour it over his head in the shower for waking up. Once it was safely placed on his bedside table and the boy's legs were still angled upwards, Hyungwon attempted to wake him up by carefully shaking his shoulders. The sight was a little disturbing with fruit and cheese all around the pink hair.

_ You don't even know his name to get his attention. _

"Hey," he tried again, "wake up, you have to eat."

The eyelids moved and after a few seconds, a pair of very dark eyes were glancing up at him in pure confusion.

_ Of course, he's confused, he's hungry and you only gave him cum like a pervert. _

"Water?" he asked and reached for the glass on his night table. The boy's confusion became even more understandable when Hyungwon remembered that he was still naked and kneeling next to the other man's shoulders like a weirdo. "God, I'm so sorry. Please drink something, I also brought food."

Instead of the usual cheerful smile, his roommate’s expression looked serious and focused. He looked around carefully, before looking down on himself and scanning him. After some time passed, the pink-haired man must have recognized their situation and nodded, lifting up on his elbows and taking the glass out of his hand. “Sorry,” he murmured.

_ Why the hell would he apologize? _

"It's my fault," he mumbled and reached for one of the juicy peaches. It was probably the easiest to eat right now. "Do you like peaches?" 

“Oh god, you brought your fridge here?” The round eyes widened comically as the boy spotted the brie on the pillow. “You were very serious about it. I must have freaked you out, I’m sorry. Fainting is not the most sexy thing to do, is it?”

"Happens to me often enough when I panic," Hyungwon replied and couldn't come up with a decent excuse for bringing all that food. He didn't know what to say and talking about panic attacks wasn't a good topic. "Please eat, it's only fruit and stuff that can be eaten immediately. You can have it all."

“But do you panic after sucking someone off?” The handsome man sat up and wiggled his eyebrows, suggesting that his fuck up was more worthy than Hyungwon’s example.

_ You panic all the fucking time. _

"I do, also in coffee shops while ordering coffee or accidentally meeting a neighbor on the stairs. I got a concussion once." Once the words were out, Hyungwon wondered what the hell possessed him to say them. How was talking about his mistakes supposed to make the pink-haired boy like him more?

“Oh my god, that’s serious. But you can come to the Starbucks in the university building. I work there every day from two to eight. I’ll make you the best coffee.” Placing a huge piece of brie into his mouth, the pink-haired man crossed his legs, visibly not giving a single shit about being naked and chewed while looking highly satisfied.

"But what if people look and think I'm a weirdo for just standing there? They'll remember me and giggle each time they see my face. I won't be able to bear that." Hyungwon shuddered at the image and closed his legs to not sit around with his dick out. He could have also dressed but then the other man might feel bad about being the only naked one, like Hyungwon just made fun of his situation.

“No, I’ll just say that you’re my roommate. Or you come in and say, ‘Hey bunny, the usual’. Then you’ve said something, but it’s always the same, so it’ll be fine. In addition, I really don’t want to crush your imagination, but my colleagues usually only talk about customers if they do one of two things. Either they have their dick out, or they scream about Jesus.” The peaches disappeared along with the bananas and other fruit that he brought. The pink-haired man managed to eat everything, piling the garbage up on the plate from the brie cheese.

_ He must have been so hungry. _

"But isn't being called bunny embarrassing? Like a child?" he asked next and couldn't imagine himself calling somebody bunny in public. It attracted so much attention from other people, like he was different and needed to be observed. Hyungwon hated being different, he wanted to blend in with his cup of Americano.

“Try it out. Call me bunny.” His roommate shifted closer and leaned into his personal space, wiggling his eyebrows again.

Hyungwon panicked and shook his head, unable to do it as blood rushed to his ears and he lost sensation in his fingertips. It was fucking scary, but he held his breath to avoid hyperventilating. He could already feel sweat drops forming on his forehead because he was too dumb to say 'bunny'.

“Fine, then I’ll do it.” Lifting his hand to his head, the boy formed a v-sign and acted out bunny ears before winking at him and smiling gorgeously. “I’m bunny.”

Hyungwon stared, dumbfounded that a grown-ass man would feel fine calling himself bunny.

"Bunny?" he asked to make sure, still staring at the v sign that was supposed to symbolise ears. 

“Yes.” Jumping from the bed, the pink-haired man slipped into his underwear and pants and pulled his grey shirt over his head. Next, his roommate took the plate with the fruit pips and walked towards the door. “I also have a real name, but you can call me bunny,” he said before disappearing down the hallway.

Staring at the spot where the pink-haired man had been last, Hyungwon realised that his last chance to ask for the boy's name had just disappeared behind his bedroom door, forever. 

***

He had a ten minute break and Jooheon managed to pop by, wanting a venti caramel frappuccino with honey. He had to laugh as his best friend ordered it in his nasally voice, pronouncing every word as if it was an art piece that had to be delivered with the utmost concentration and precision. 

“I hope that you enjoy this disgusting mixture,” Hoseok murmured and took an iced Americano for himself, sitting down at one of the tables next to the exit. 

Jooheon was licking the honey from his straw before his pretty crescent eyes focused on him and he stared, visibly waiting for him to say something.

_ What? _

“Uhm, how did it go with the strange dude who is letting you stay with him? What was his name? Hyungwon? He doesn’t want unreasonable stuff from you, right? People never do nice things just like that, Bunny, so pay extra attention. Shit, I couldn’t sleep for two days because I hated my parents so much for not letting me live together with you. This is ridiculous, I’m nineteen and can decide for myself.” Sighing, the handsome blond man closed his eyes dramatically.

_ Have fun explaining. _

“That…” as there was no proper explanation, he decided to make it short. “So, he is letting me live with him and he doesn’t want money from me, but there is this thing. He doesn’t like people, like… not at all. However, he does like… making out? And he also likes being touched because he doesn’t need to talk, so I’m doing that. But it’s not only me touching him, he also touches me and he even gave me something to eat after I fainted after sucking him off.” Hoseok tried his best to seem enthusiastic about it, but his best friend’s face didn’t look convinced.

“WHAT?” Jooheon screamed at him, coming close and mouth turning into an ‘o’. That was bad and he knew it.

“Listen, it’s okay, really, I’m living in a palace and he even gave me a towel as a present because I colored it pink with my hair dye. Uh…” He tried his best to recall more amazing facts that would calm his best friend down enough to not try to find Hyungwon and kill him. “He… he is not a bad person and he agreed on taking me into his house, you know? People might talk about not wanting things in return for favors, but we all know that it’s bullshit, right? People always want things in return, and in this case he’s at least explicit about it, telling me exactly how I can make him feel comfortable about the whole thing. He is also very handsome and attractive in general. He didn’t try to make me do any weird things, so I’m fine, really.” He smiled brightly and poked Honey’s cheek at the spot where he knew the dimples were supposed to be and caressed the skin right after. “He doesn’t want to know my name, so I told him to call me Bunny.” 

“Okay, listen up, Hoseok. This is not… this is not fucking okay. You don’t have to do this. I will find a different place for you, I promise, I’ll ask around all my parents' friends and my favorite uncle. We will find something, okay? Don’t… just don’t do this to yourself. You’re not a thing and you don’t have to- . He’s a fucking asshole for not wanting to know your name and inviting you to live with him just to get off. Who the fuck does he think he is?” 

That didn’t go very well and his best friend was far from being persuaded that he was okay in his current situation.

“Let’s… be honest about this for once. I have no home. Nobody wants me. I look the way I look and I have no money. There is literally no one apart from you who is willing to help me. This is not about pride, Jooheon. That shit doesn’t exist for me. I don’t give a fuck about pride, because otherwise I would be dead already. If someone is nice enough to help me for some fun, I’m going to do it, because I don’t want to sleep under the bushes. He’s pretty and nice and it’s not as if I’m disgusted. I was making out with him before he offered his help.”

_ But that was kind of the reason why he offered his help. _

Sighing, he massaged his temples and sucked half of his Americano through the straw. “I’m used to rejection and I’m used to being unwanted, so as long as someone wants me, no matter what the reason is, I will fucking take it and savor it like a good meal. He doesn’t want to know my name? Fine. Then I’ll be bunny, or puppy, or whatever the fuck he wants to call me. He gives me a place to live even though nobody fucking cares whether I die on the street apart from you. Don’t worry about me. Just make sure to not stress too much because of your exams.” Hoseok smiled extra brightly and leaned in to kiss his best friend’s dimpled cheek while looking out of the window. As soon as his lips touched the smooth skin, he saw a familiar figure standing behind a corner and glancing in the direction of the Starbucks.

_ It’s him. _

“Okay, I need to go back to work and I’m going to make coffee for another four hours and then invite you for a small dinner as I promised, okay? Please promise me that you won’t do anything stupid. It’s important to me,” he whispered and stood up, placing the caramel whatever into his best friend’s warm hand, leading him outside and watching his judgmental and sulky expression as he walked around the corner.

_ It’s safe. _

Glancing at the clock on the wall, he noticed mentally that he had exactly three minutes left and walked towards the corner with quick steps, turning around it and stepping right in front of the tall, handsome man.

“You look as if you need a coffee,” he murmured, glancing up.

"I-" Hyungwon began and looked up so quickly that Hoseok worried about his neck that released a very obvious cracking sound. The black-haired boy sucked his lips into his mouth and stared at his feet, not saying a single word. When there was no eye contact and only long black hair framing the handsome face, his benefactor resembled a wall.

“I saw you while talking to Honey inside, but now he’s gone and I have a whole minute and thirty seconds to make you come in and give you a coffee made by me.” Hoseok smiled and leaned down, glancing up at the boy’s big eyes. They were wide and accompanied by parted lips, as if Hyungwon needed more air than his nose was able to provide.

Looking up, the black-haired boy nodded suddenly, still remaining silent.

“Let’s go then?” Hoseok didn’t know why the fuck he did that, but his hand automatically curled around Hyungwon’s slim wrist and pulled lightly.

Some of the tension disappeared from Hyungwon's body as soon as Hoseok held onto him. Another nod confirmed that the other man actually wanted to go with him, allowing him to easily pull him along. A glance at the handsome face showed him that Hyungwon had closed his eyes, following him blindly and trusting him to take the right path.

_ Holy shit, that’s intense. _

Hoseok still remembered that whenever he played the trust game, he fell on his fucking face every time. How could Hyungwon just close his eyes and follow a delinquent, pink-haired bastard who was good for nothing? Shaking his head, he walked into the cafe slowly, letting go of the boy’s hand when they were right next to the counter. His colleague Lisa already opened her mouth when he shushed her and said that he would take this order. It was time for him to continue working anyway.

_ This feels strange. Why? _

Again, strange was bad, so he reached over the counter and curled his hand around Hyungwon’s wrist again. “What can I get you? The usual?”

"An- an Americano," Hyungwon whispered, but kept his eyes shut. The fingers of the boy's right hand were holding onto the counter so tightly that they turned almost white.

“Iced or hot?” he whispered while leaning closer so that the taller man could hear him well, fingers stroking over the bony wrist.

"I-iced," Hyungwon stuttered and took another deep breath, lips disappearing inside his mouth and eyes squeezed shut. It almost seemed as if he was in pain for some reason, not a wall as he had been outside.

_ He's not okay, but why? _

“I assume it’s for takeaway, right?” Hoseok could see his colleague from the corner of his eye shaking her head in complete lack of understanding, but used his free hand to wave at her to shut up.

Hyungwon only nodded and seemed to be waiting for more questions, grip on the counter releasing only to tense up again.

“I’ll pay for this one. Please wait a second. I will call your name.” Hoseok squeezed the boy’s wrist one last time and removed his hand, taking a plastic cup and pouring cold coffee over the ice cubes. Again, his colleague observed the whole situation, but didn’t say anything as he simply walked around the counter. “Hyungwon,” he whispered and took the boy’s hand, curling his long fingers around the cup.

The black-haired boy hummed and slowly opened his eyes, staring at the cup in his hand for a few long seconds.

"Thank you," Hyungwon breathed out, not even speaking it and turned around before hurriedly leaving the Starbucks and disappearing around the corner, as if he was afraid that somebody could stop him. Hoseok stared after him, wondering what just happened, just like his colleague did, asking him questions while he ignored her, thinking his own thoughts. 

Hyungwon had seemed so helpless and terrified, even though it was just about getting a coffee from someone he literally lived with. Still he had stood there with his eyes closed, holding onto the counter and waiting for him to help.

_ You helped him, didn’t you? _

Suddenly he realized that there was definitely something he could do, something that was worthy, a help for somebody. A bright smile played at the corners of his mouth as he hurried back to work, making a cappuccino and thinking about his roommate who blindly followed him into something that was scary and unknown, trusting him and letting him help.

_

His shift ended at some point and he spent two hours studying for his upcoming seminar before heading to the place that he was able to call home. At least for as long as he was allowed to be there. His legs hurt when he forced himself up the stairs after forgetting that the building had an elevator. Arriving at the apartment door, he pressed the bell three times and waited.

It took awhile for something to happen on the other side of the door, but it opened eventually, showing him Hyungwon in tight jeans and an expensive brand t-shirt, stepping aside to let him in. The other man didn't say anything, not even a simple 'hi', but he allowed Hoseok inside and quickly closed the door behind him. One more glance through the peephole was apparently necessary until the boy leaned against the door with his eyes closed. 

Once Hoseok was about to take off his sneakers, Hyungwon held out his hand, staring at the floor instead of his face. There was a key ring lying on the boy's palm, including two keys that looked vaguely different from each other. First, he had no idea why Hyungwon would give him random keys, until it suddenly dawned upon him.

_ Holy shit. Holy fucking shit, it’s the apartment keys, isn’t it? _

“Are… you giving me your apartment keys?” he asked to make sure that it wasn’t some bike or postbox keys and the prince would laugh at him for being an idiot for thinking that he would get apartment keys for a blowjob.

"M-mine? They aren't mine, I still have mine, these-" Hyungwon briefly gestured towards his jeans pocket that probably had another set of keys before stretching out his hand again. "These are for you."

_ He really is giving you the keys to his home. _

"I have no idea what to say because I've never owned keys," he murmured, staring at the boy's big palm and fighting the urge to reach out and take them and hold them against his cheek, like a creep. 

"But- your parents' house, as a child…," Hyungwon muttered, but kept staring at his feet instead of Hoseok or his palm.

_ Just take them before he changes his mind. _

Reaching out carefully, he took the keys, fingers brushing over the cool palm. "I never had the keys to my parents' house. They didn't trust me, so I had to wait every day until my mom or dad came home from work." Hoseok lifted the keys and shook them to make one of those pretty noises people talked about in the movies, when someone that you waited for came home and you could hear the sound of the keys and be happy. Now he could make that sound all by himself.

"That's- that's terrible," Hyungwon whispered in reply and shut his eyes again, head was thrown back and long hair covering his shoulders. "I thought you didn't want them because of what happened at the coffee shop."

_ Because of what happened? But… nothing really happened, or did it? _

"What do you mean? You didn't like your Americano? It's supposed to taste like watered-down coffee, Hyungwon, that's the whole point, to take good coffee and make it American," he murmured, still staring at the keys in disbelief. "Did I do something wrong? What was it?" 

"Not you, me," the black-haired boy whispered in reply as his eyes widened during Hoseok's elaboration. He seemed so shocked that Hoseok thought it was about the Americano. "I'm the weird one. I thought you got… weirded out and wouldn't come back. God, I didn't even want to talk about this, fuck."

"It was…" he tried to find words to explain how he felt while Hyungwon was ordering his coffee. "It was intimate. That's how it felt for me because I had the feeling that you trusted me, even though I'm usually the one who gets hurt in trust games. And then, after you left, I realised that I didn't only take things from you by sleeping and living at your place, even though you don't like people, but that I was able to be next to you when you needed something. To help you. Even if it was an Americano, I still felt amazing and worthy and a tiny bit proud."

His words were enough for the other man to look at him, brown orbs focusing on his and staring in disbelief.

"Don't you... think that it's pathetic that I can't order a fucking coffee?" Hyungwon breathed out and brushed through his hair, putting a few strands behind a funnily curled ear.

Hoseok sighed and chewed on his lips. He didn't want to be bitter, it was a nice day and a nice evening, he could help someone who helped him and he even got keys to an apartment for the first time of his life. He should've celebrated it instead of focusing on the bad things.

"Don't you think that I'm pathetic? Having no place to go and bothering a stranger who doesn't really want to have anything to do with me? So what? That's just how it is, life's not a wishlist. Yeah, the aftertaste might not be the best, but it's better than no taste at all." Hoseok moved the keys next to his ear and closed his eyes to listen to the amazing sound.

The man in front of him didn't say a word and with the sound of the keys, Hoseok was also able to drown out every other noise.

"Is that what you think?" Hyungwon asked suddenly when Hoseok decided to remove the keys from his ear. "That I don't want to have anything to do with you?"

_ Do you? _

"That was in the beginning. I do think that you probably wouldn't have let me in if I wasn't… well… me. You just gave me the keys to your home. I still have no idea how the fuck I deserved this. It doesn't make sense." Hoseok stepped forward, gaze focused on the boy's handsome face. 

"You-" Hyungwon began but bit down on his bottom lip and stared at his feet instead. The black-haired boy was still leaning against the front door like a stranger in his own home. "You're- the nicest person I know. You're the first one who didn't- didn't make fun of me and I'm secretly still waiting for the moment you do. You had so many opportunities already but you- fuck."

Hyungwon lifted his palm to cover his face and pushed himself off the door, hurrying past Hoseok and disappearing into his bedroom. The other man didn't even bother to close the door. 

The feeling in his chest didn't let him stay away like normal people would, giving others space and all that buzz he couldn't relate to. Tucking the keys into his pocket, he moved to the bedroom and simply lay on the bed next to Hyungwon who had covered his face with a pillow and lay on his back without moving. The boy was breathing heavily and seemed stressed out by him.

_ He's freaking out, but you know how to calm him down, don't you? The talking sucks, but you keep talking. _

Lifting the pillow from the handsome face, Hoseok leaned over and placed a careful kiss on the boy's thick lips. Instead of relaxing immediately, Hyungwon stopped breathing as his brown eyes focused on his face, staring in confusion.

"You- why?" the boy muttered but didn't move. Suddenly pretty, white teeth settled on the plump bottom lip that Hoseok still felt the taste of. The black-haired man switched so easily between emotionless and lost. "You're- you're not pathetic. Because you have real problems."

"What makes a problem real? If you feel as if you're going to faint, then it doesn't really matter whether it's because you're hungry or because you are scared of a spider, the fainting is real." Again, Hoseok leaned in and kissed him, this time a little longer while closing his eyes.

Hyungwon returned it and he could see the other man's eyes fluttering shut before he pulled away and they opened again, staring at him.

"I don't hate people, I'm scared of their judgement. Their judgement tells me that my problems aren't real, so I'm scared. I'm a mess." Attempting to turn away, Hyungwon took a few deep breaths and tried to reach for the pillow that Hoseok had moved far away.

"Forget the pillow, just take my lips. I bet they can do a better job." _ In any sense _, he thought and sat up, settling on top of the boy's lap before leaning down for another kiss. "Who are people to judge whether your problems are real? They don't have the right."

Hyungwon didn't reply, but he returned the kiss as one arm carefully wrapped around Hoseok's waist, keeping him close even though the black-haired boy didn't attempt to move further.

_ What if he doesn't want to be touched anymore and you're sitting on top of him? _

"Are you okay with being kissed?" he asked, one hand scratching over his thigh in a nervous gesture. "I thought you liked it better than talking."

Hyungwon nodded softly, but glanced to the side while his fingers hesitantly played with the fabric of Hoseok's shirt.

"I am, but are you okay?" the black-haired boy asked and sucked his lips into his mouth. "I'll- I'll be fine eventually. You don't have to… act."

"Oh, I do have to act because I can't handle strange situations well, so I have to do something. Thinking usually doesn't help, only doing. Thank you for asking me. I think this is the first time someone actually asked me whether I was okay being kissed. You are so nice to me," he whispered, overwhelmed that someone who had no fucking idea who he was or what his name was cared about his feelings to that extent.

Hyungwon shook his head, but he couldn't tell what the other man meant. He only knew that the slim body shifted under him and another arm joined his waist, embracing him carefully.

"I accept no objection," Hoseok exclaimed and giggled, brushing his thumb over the boy's thick bottom lip. "I talk a lot, but my words rarely make sense, so I'm happy that you're listening to me. It makes me feel as if you care."

Again Hyungwon nodded and let his right-hand travel upwards to his cheek, which he cupped carefully. The boy's thumb stroked along his cheek bone while those brown orbs observed his face intently. The gesture seemed affectionate, even without Hyungwon saying a single word.

_ Being silent must be like regaining energy for him. _

Hoseok nodded too and fell forward, both arms placed on each side of the boy's head. His pink hair was probably tickling Hyungwon's forehead as he leaned in and pressed his mouth against the soft, plump surface that gave in under pressure. Dang, it felt so good.

Hyungwon's eyes fluttered shut and he returned the kiss, tilting his head slightly to improve the angle and pulling him closer by wrapping his arms around him. It felt warm, but without urgency as Hyungwon carefully licked over his bottom lip, inviting him to deepen the kiss. 

He was taking it slow too, placing a few soft kisses on the boy's lips before parting them carefully and licking into his hot mouth. He enjoyed how regular Hyungwon's breaths were and how calm the young man seemed, lying under him and touching him gently. 

Delicate fingers brushed through his pink hair and stroked along his neck as Hyungwon kissed him and played with his tongue piercing, less hesitant about it than he had been the last time. But there was nothing that spoke for more, no gestures or tugging at his clothes that suggested they should have been gone by now. The black-haired boy appeared perfectly content kissing him. And so was he.

"Thank you for trusting me," he whispered because it didn't leave his mind, overwhelmed him, made him rethink. "I don't know why you're doing it, but just know that it means the world to me."

_ He trusts you without even knowing your name. Let that sink in. _

Hyungwon nodded again, placing a soft kiss to his forehead and his jaw before taking a deep breath while he gathered his thoughts.

"Thank you… for being my voice," the black-haired boy whispered and let his eyes flutter shut, lips parted slightly.

_ His voice? _

"Your voice? Is it because I talk so much? I can also shut up," he said, before imagining what it would be like to not talk and immediately changing his mind. "Never mind, I can't shut up." Hoseok let himself fall to the side and took Hyungwon along, letting him sit on top of his lap.

The black-haired boy shook his head and placed his big palms flat on top of Hoseok's chest, staring at his fingers.

"You- you don't have to shut up. It's easier when you talk, because then… then I don't have to."

Hoseok lifted his hand and reached for Hyungwon's small face, brushing his thumb over the boy's smooth cheek briefly.

"You don't need to talk if you don't want to. You can kiss me instead if you like."

"I… like listening to you," the soft voice replied as Hyungwon leaned into the touch, still looking at his fingers on Hoseok's chest. "But I also like kissing you."

"Woah, you must like quite some things about me, that can't be real," he commented and giggled, feeling excited about hearing so many positive things at once. In addition to that, from someone who didn't want anything from him. 

_ Well, apart from touching and kissing, but that's okay. _

"Have you-" Hyungwon began but cut off right after. The black-haired boy used his right hand, making a few shoveling motions inside his mouth.

"Mhm?" he hummed, placing both hands on Hyungwon's thighs and stroking up a bit until they rested on his hips.

There was a hint of disappointment on the boy's face, probably because he wasn't able to express what he wanted to express.

"Food," he murmured and took a few deep breaths before covering his face with his right palm. He must have been embarrassed about his weird gestures, but Hoseok didn't care.

"Ah. No, I haven't eaten yet. This time I definitely should before taking you into my mouth. Me fainting freaked you out last time, right?" Hoseok smiled brightly before removing his hands and lifting them over his head. He stretched his muscles and shifted a little under Hyungwon's body. The big, brown eyes followed the motions attentively from in between long fingers. 

"I just realized that I'm an asshole," Hyungwon muttered after shaking his head and climbed off him, making his way out of the bedroom and most likely to the kitchen. Hoseok could hear him fumble with the fridge door.

_ Huh? _

Hoseok didn't understand the conclusion, but most of the things the black-haired man said didn't make much sense. Maybe that had been the reason for being terrified of people. Because they didn't understand. Like him.

He jumped from the bed and ran to the kitchen, spotting Hyungwon standing in front of the open fridge. He approached the other man on his tiptoes before curling his arms around his tiny waist and burying his face in his nape, sucking in the pleasant scent. He smelled so good.

"Either you make no sense, or I'm dumb. My life experience tells me it's the second."

Hyungwon gasped at first, probably not expecting Hoseok to embrace him just like that without the context of the bedroom or anything else suggestive. However, opposed to tensing up, the black-haired boy seemed to relax a little and shook his head.

"I can't express myself," he mumbled and kept staring at the contents of the fridge. There were a lot of ingredients, but all of them had to be combined to become a decent dish. "And I can't cook."

"I can cook," he exclaimed, overly excited about being able to do something apart from getting a coffee. "Sit here." He pointed at the clean part of the counter, before simply grabbing Hyungwon by his waist and pulling him up until he sat. "I can express myself, but it doesn't really matter either, because people mostly hate me for what I say, do, or in general."

Hyungwon yelped at the sudden action and covered his mouth in shock, staring at Hoseok with wide eyes until relaxing again. It seemed like the other man kept expecting things to happen that never did.

"But you're genuine," the boy commented eventually and spread his legs to get comfortable.

"My mom always said, it's stupid to think that being genuine is something nice. It only means that you can't accommodate to society and think you're some kind of a hero for not putting any effort into doing what is expected of you. Like taking lots of pills and not talking. I guess the opinions are different," Hoseok elaborated while placing a pot on the stove and boiling water for the noodles he found on one of the shelves.

"No, it means that people know you aren't lying to them just to be nice." Hyungwon was watching him intently from his position on the counter, pulling one of his long legs up to rest his chin on top of his knee.

"But people want to be lied to. I try my best, but I kind of suck." 

_ You're not trying your best. You're not trying at all. That's why being close is the only thing you can do to somehow give back all the nice things he's doing for you. _

"Fine. I'm not trying at all." Hoseok sighed and put the noodles, a bit of olive oil and salt in, before lowering the heat a little. His thoughts gave him a headache and he lifted both hands to massage his temples. "I really need to suck you off to feel better about this."

"W-what? Why? Shouldn't you- I don't know- do it because you want to?" Hyungwon looked really lost with his sudden comment and lifted his head from his knee, chewing on his cheek furiously. "People want to be lied to, but I don't, that's why I'm scared of them. They always lie and judge secretly."

"It's complicated. You looked gorgeous when you orgasmed. That wasn't complicated. That was very obvious. I wonder if you would enjoy rimming." Hoseok brushed back his hair and thought about his previous partners and their preferences while stirring the noodles so that they didn't get stuck to the pot. "Almost done, I'll make the sauce," he exclaimed with a bright smile and hurried to the fridge to take out a few tomatoes and basil leaves.

Hyungwon simply observed him run around the kitchen and didn't speak anymore, chewing on his lips and pulling at his long fingers.

_ You freaked him out, didn’t you? _

He sighed, but it was more in resignation because there was nothing he could do about it, so he cut the tomatoes and put them into the pot before adding some spices, olive oil, minced basil leaves and a few walnuts that he found in one of the cupboards.

"It smells really good," Hyungwon whispered and shifted a little closer to the stove, a small smile playing around the corners of his lips. "This is so… domestic."

_ What's domestic? _

Hoseok glanced up and stared, trying to understand what the other man might have meant by that. The sauce indeed smelled nice, so he took a spoon and tried a bit.

_ You should let him try too. _

He was unsure whether Hyungwon would want to taste it from the spoon that he used, but he didn't know where the other spoons were and panicked, taking the boy's chin and licking into his mouth. "Here. That's how it tastes," he murmured, fully aware of his actions being crazy and inappropriate.

Hyungwon simply stared at him, pink tongue slipping out to lick over the full lips as the boy hummed and leaned against one of the cupboards, getting comfortable on the counter.

"It's- it's delicious," he muttered before chuckling suddenly and shaking his head in disbelief. He was actually smiling, lips spread wide and eyes becoming small crescents. "You're- you're really one of a kind."

_ You are? _

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Hoseok asked, busying himself with the noodles and sauce. Of course, he didn't know where the plates were, but asking was also shit, so he pointed at both pots. "We can eat out of those unless you have plates."

Hyungwon smiled again and jumped down from the counter, opening one of the cupboards right above Hoseok's head and taking out two plates that he definitely couldn't have reached.

"It's a good thing," the black-haired boy answered eventually and put the plates next to the two pots before taking out two forks and two spoons, all sophisticated.

"My friend the giraffe," Hoseok commented and giggled, taking both noodle-filled plates and putting them on the table. "I feel like I'm in a palace to dine. Holy shit." He still couldn't believe that he had a place to stay and a nice roommate and even food that he didn't have to pay for. "I'll get groceries tomorrow, just tell me what you like to eat."

Suddenly Hyungwon looked uncomfortable again as he sat down on one end of the dinner table that stood in the center of the kitchen and fumbled with his fork and spoon.

"Is it… really okay if you buy it?" the black-haired man asked and stared at the spot where his plate was.

"Sure. I work every day, didn't you see? And you let me live here for free, so of course I should do something and touching you doesn't really count because I like it too." Walking over to the spot Hyungwon took, he sat down next to him and pierced a noodle on his fork before placing it into his mouth and chewing enthusiastically. He couldn't help but make sounds because he was so fucking hungry and it tasted like heaven.

Hyungwon looked surprised at first, but smiled again, following him by piercing the noodles and twirling them on his spoon which he inserted into his mouth. The black-haired boy made sure to chew completely before parting his lips and attempting to talk.

"I- I didn't mean the money. I'll pay because the money doesn't really matter to me. It's… the fact that you're willing to go to the supermarket for me."

_ It's so strange that he would think you wouldn't go. _

"Are you… very familiar with what rejection feels like?" he asked, stuffing his mouth with noodles until he was barely able to chew.

"I… usually run before it gets to that." Hyungwon looked dissatisfied with his answer and filled his mouth with some more food, visibly enjoying it despite their apparently difficult conversation. "But I know that it's inevitable."

"Hmm. I grew up with rejection, so I'm always surprised if people need time before they tell me to fuck off, but I'll enjoy it and wait for you, my prince," he chuckled, before slurping his noodles like a pig.

Hyungwon grimaced a little but didn't comment on his eating habits, carefully eating his own portion while obviously attempting to reply.

"But… your best friend doesn't tell you to fuck off, so not everybody does, right?" the other man asked eventually and inserted another spoon into his big mouth. "I don't want to tell you to fuck off. I kept thinking that you'll grow tired of me and my inability to communicate like a decent human."

_ As if. You would get tired of yourself first. _

"My only hope at this point is that you don't get tired of my dick sucking skills," he murmured, understanding how stupid that sounded, considering that his dick sucking skills weren't that great in the first place. "Write down what you need and I'll go to the supermarket," Hoseok tried to save himself and licked the spoon clean, placing it back into the plate.

Hyungwon didn't say anything, face losing some of its colour as the black-haired boy nodded slowly and stood up, not quite finishing his meal. Reaching for a piece of paper that was located on top of the fridge and a pen that was magnetically attached to the side of it, he began scribbling items on a list, not glancing away from the sheet even once. Once he finished, Hyungwon pulled his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans and placed 100 Franc note on top of the paper, leaving both lying on the table as he left the room.

"Wait, wait, what the fuck," Hoseok murmured, jumped up and ran after him.

Hyungwon had gone to his bedroom and thrown himself on top of his bed, similarly to the way he had the last time he suddenly left without any explanation. The exception was that the black-haired man was lying on the bed with his eyes closed and without a pillow covering his handsome face. 

"Listen, do you think I'm a prostitute? I do it because I like it, you prick," Hoseok exclaimed loudly and crawled on top of the bed, stuffing the insane amount of money in the pocket of the boy's super tight jeans. "And I'll pay for the food. I almost have enough for tuition now, so it's fine."

Hyungwon's eyes opened wide and he shook his head furiously, obviously caught off guard by Hoseok's words.

"I'm such a fucking asshole, god," the black-haired boy muttered desperately and attempted to hide his face by rolling over. "The money was for shopping not for- for that. You don't have to do that at all if you don't want to, certainly not to stay here. You can stay anyway and I just- god, I just don't fucking know how to communicate. You can just live here and ignore me if you like."

"Why would I live here and ignore you? You're so nice to me even though you don't even know my fucking name. You gave me the keys to your apartment and you followed me with your eyes closed, this is like, the maximum trust I've ever gotten from anybody." Hoseok pushed both hands into the boy's shoulders and climbed on top of his lap, preventing him from running away. 

Hyungwon's chest was rising and falling quickly under his weight and the black-haired boy pressed his lips together, staring at him with wide eyes. His long black hair was messily lying all over the pillow and partially stuck to his forehead.

"I don't want you to think that you have to touch me to stay. I'm- I'm not a person like that," the plump lips whispered as the breaths only increased in frequency.

_ But- he said it's easier to be around you if you touch him. So he means it's not necessary, but it makes it easier. _

"I didn't really think that I needed to suck you off to stay. Honestly, it wouldn't be the first time doing that didn’t help make me more likable. I know that you're not a person like that. You're a nice person." Leaning over, Hoseok connected their lips, sinking into the softness of Hyungwon's plump mouth. "But you did say that you feel better like this."

"Because- because I know what to do," was the quiet reply, whispered against his mouth as Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut, but didn't embrace him yet. "You're really… really handsome."

Ah, that felt so good. He couldn't remember the last time he had gotten a straight out compliment from someone who wasn't Jooheon. "You are breathtaking. I'm still expecting someone to come and beat me up for messing around with you because you're taken."

"But nobody wants me," Hyungwon replied and finally reached out to cup his face, kissing his lips briefly before adding another touch of lips to his jaw. "I just live on my own and I’m happy if I manage to leave the house to go to lectures. At least I was."

"I hope nobody wants you, because then I can have you for myself," Hoseok whispered, perfectly aware of how ridiculous it sounded. As if he could meet a beautiful, nice person who was willing to deal with him and his shit. Nobody was. "Forget that I said that," he added quietly.

"You said that I'm yours," Hyungwon muttered suddenly and met his gaze, arms loosely locked around his neck. "Did you mean that?" 

He swallowed and returned moisture to his lips. "Yeah," he whispered, even though he should've lied. "You're mine. My person."

A small smile passed over Hyungwon's thick lips and he nodded slowly, still meeting his gaze. 

"I'm glad," the black-haired boy whispered and let his big eyes flutter shut. "Because that means I belong somewhere."

"I'm also glad because that also means that I belong somewhere too. You know, you're really amazing, Hyungwon." Hoseok smiled at the handsome face, brushing a few strands from the boy's forehead absentmindedly and suddenly remembered that technically he was still a nobody. 

Someone who didn't have a name.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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"I hope you're eating enough. I know that you don't like to eat out, but you should consider it if eating precooked meals gets too boring for you."

His mother sounded worried, so Hyungwon hummed obediently as he sorted out the dishwasher and placed all the plates and dishes where they belonged. It was probably the first time he did that since moving in because he hadn't cooked even once.

_ But he did, that's why there are dishes to clean. _

Hyungwon had never lived alone before, but he also never lived with somebody he didn't grow up with before either, so all of his current experiences were firsts. Unfortunately, he was also pretty sure that he was fucking them all up, as always. He still didn't have a university friend and the boy that he invited to live with him was mostly there in the evenings after working and sometimes just passed out on the couch.

_ He must be so exhausted all the time. _

He didn't really know what it was like, because he never had a part-time job and he probably also wouldn't have managed to even get one, not to mention have a first day at work. Talking to authority figures was even worse than ordering a coffee at Starbucks. Hyungwon felt like fainting right away or ended up being purposefully late, just so he didn't have to go in the end. It already happened more often than he could count.

"I'm fine, mom. I have a friend that comes over and cooks, so I'm not starving," he replied and closed the now empty dishwasher. It was mostly a lie because his roommate wasn't a friend and he also didn't come by but actually lived on his couch. Hyungwon still wondered if it was comfortable enough, but he was too scared to ask.

_ Because you should have asked earlier, like his name. Now it's too late and he'll just hate you for your pretend care. _

"Are you sure, dear? I could also get somebody to come over once a week and make a few dishes, so you have more diversity," his mom suggested at the other end of the line and Hyungwon already felt his blood rush to his ears at the mere thought of another person he didn't know in his apartment.

"No, it's fine, mom. He makes really tasty things and is really nice." He sighed and looked around to see whether there was anything else to clean, chewing on his cheek. He didn't want the pink-haired man to think he was a pig, but he also didn't want to seem like a neat freak, so he tried to find a golden middle. To be perfect.

"That's really fast then! I'm glad that you already found a friend. What does he study?"

The question caught him off guard because he didn't know. He not only didn't know the boy's name, but he didn't even know what he was studying. 

_ Because you don't talk. _

"I'm not sure actually, we never really talked about it," he replied, hoping that his mom wasn't going to give him a lecture on what not to study again.

"Well, you should ask. In the end there are quite obvious outcomes if you study social sciences or politics, you simply become a taxi driver." There was the sound of shuffling pages in the background as his mom had probably been reading a book before giving him a call. She called every day to make sure he was doing fine, probably because he just moved out.

"I will. He's pretty busy, so we don't see each other all that much. But I'll ask when I get to it." His last sentence sounded like a good excuse because he was most likely not going to get to it. Talking to classmates had been a little easier back when he lived at home, because his mom did most of the talking, asking about hobbies and offering them things they could do. Now there was only him and his dumb stuttering.

_ He must think you're such a nutcase, even if he says you're nice. A nice nutcase. _

"Alright. Then please take care of yourself and make sure to tell us before your grades suffer, so we can organize some extra tutoring to help you catch up, okay? Medicine is not fun and games, dear."

"Yeah, I know. I really like it for now. Dad was right that it suits me." Hyungwon smiled and remembered his sketch from today in which he used his roommate's thighs to identify various muscles in the human leg. He was definitely not going to show it to anybody, but it helped to remember. In general the other man was perfect to study anatomy on. Luckily, Hyungwon didn't have to share that opinion with anybody.

_ You still try to hide when he showers to not be obvious. _

Hyungwon was pretty simple in that regard. He got attracted easily and his roommate was definitely attractive, so he did his best to remain decent without forcing anybody into anything. Of course he was glad when their lips met because it calmed him down, but he didn't want to be somebody who forced others into sex for benefits.

_ That's just fucked up. _

Interestingly, the other man had many methods to distract him from his anxiety. Kissing was one of them, but also the way his roommate talked about himself was calming, the timbre of his voice or his sudden actions that were so confusing that Hyungwon had no time to panic.

_ Maybe that's the only reason you managed to say a few sentences to him. _

Today was the day the pink-haired boy planned on shopping, so Hyungwon had made some room in the fridge and had no idea how to express how much the simple action of shopping meant to him. He couldn't do it because it felt like people were judging his food choices, only waiting for him to pick a nasty berry or an unhealthy instant dish.

_ But he can do it without problems. How the hell are you going to survive without somebody next to you? _

Hyungwon had no idea, but having another person next to him wasn't only a blessing. It was also a constant fear of saying the wrong thing, dizziness and an upset stomach more often than his slim frame was able to handle. He was still hoping to get used to it, to accept the other man as part of his apartment and be able to open up.

_ He didn't run from you yet, even though you kinda fancy him and said all those stupid things. _

The sound of the door opening freaked him out so much that he dropped a carton of milk that he had been just about to drink on the floor and covered everything in a white liquid.

"Fuck," he hissed and already wanted to melt into the tiles without anybody seeing him being this embarrassing. His mind was empty and he struggled to come up with what to do, grabbing a few paper towels and soaking up the milk as he closed the fridge. This was a mess.

"Wow, that's a lot of milk," the boy's low voice exclaimed as he walked in and saw the catastrophe. "Imagine if this was cum, all sticky." Grinning brightly, the muscular figure dropped the bags in the doorway and came closer, taking the whole roll of paper towel and cleaning up quickly. "Okay, now we need something to clean the floor, because milk is sticky too. Like cum."

Hyungwon just stared, unsure what he was supposed to do with the analogy and the fact that the other man considered a floor covered in cum funny. Hyungwon very much doubted that he would have enough lifetime to clean that up with his mouth.

"We… usually had a cleaner to do that," he muttered and tried to figure out if he had cleaning stuff. He wasn't the one to furnish the apartment, so he had no idea. But his mom was thorough, so there must be at least something. "Maybe it's behind that door next to the bathroom. I never really bothered to look inside."

"Oh, it's there. I used it to clean the bathroom the other day. I thought you knew what I was talking about. No problem." Hyungwon struggled to keep up with the other man's pace. After a few seconds the floor was clean and smelled like artificial lemon, while his roommate put the groceries into the fridge and hummed some melody in a beautiful, angel-like voice.

_ He can sing? _

Hyungwon remained on his spot on the floor and listened, wondering if the other man thought he was absolutely useless, because there was no way to think about anything else. He covered the kitchen in milk and wasn't even able to remove it on his own. The amount of groceries also intimidated him a little because he was pretty sure that he had never seen some of those veggies before.

"So, are you hungry, your handsomeness?" The pink-haired boy joined him on the floor and smiled like the Teletubby sun.

He nodded softly because hunger was what he had planned on drowning with milk. Eating something properly was the better choice, especially in his mother's eyes.

_ You're still sitting on the floor like an idiot. How does he even deal with you? Is it because he has no other choice? _

The broad figure jumped up and opened the fridge, still singing the same melody, before turning around, round eyes observing his face intently. "What do you fancy, love?" he asked.

_ This sounds so domestic again. Is he making fun of you? _

Hyungwon didn't reply, but finally lifted himself off the kitchen tiles. There was no way that he could remain on the floor like an idiot and make everything worse. He already felt his face burn with embarrassment and the fear of saying something stupid that would make the other man leave. Holding his breath, he grabbed a chair and sat down on top of it to at least be halfway decent while the other man cooked.

"Will you tell me if I kiss you?" the boy asked with a grin and closed the fridge, slowly walking towards him. 

Hyungwon panicked, but not because of possibly receiving a kiss. Of course he wanted a kiss, but what if it was really easier to speak afterwards? What did that make him? Was he a manipulative asshole then, one who only gave answers and replies to requests if he got something for it?

"I-" he tried, but his heartbeat drowned out every other sound in his ears and he thought of running away again, hiding in the bedroom until he calmed down and didn't seem manipulative anymore.

He missed the moment where it was still possible to do something as the heavy body simply settled on top of his lap, warm palms cupping his face and curved lips tasting him. The boy smelled and tasted like the children's chewing gum again.

Hyungwon gasped into the kiss and held onto the boy's sides, but it was more for his own balance than the other man's. He felt terrible, but mostly because he enjoyed it so much, because the way the pink-haired boy treated him was calming. The kisses and touches were soothing just like the ease with which those curved lips touched his own. 

He closed his eyes and kissed back, relaxing into the sensation as his fingers stroked over the boy's t-shirt and pulled him flush against his chest.

"You are too pretty for your own good," the low voice murmured before he could feel the barbell of the boy's tongue piercing against his own tongue. "So, what do you fancy…" his roommate whispered in his ear. "love?" 

"You," Hyungwon replied truthfully, gasping at the way the barbell seemed to play with him much like the pink-haired boy played with his reactions. It was embarrassing how easily the other man got to him, the opposite of everything Hyungwon kept trying to prove.

"Me? But I don't qualify as food, or do I? I just wanted to kiss you once but now I'm all over you, please tell me to stop." The warm, curved lips were placing kisses along his jaw, his neck and returned to his lips, parting them and kissing him deeply. "I think it's the way you look at me. It drives me crazy."

_ The way you look at him? _

Hyungwon didn't know how his eyes were, but they must have been desperate, because he couldn't stop thinking about touching the other man again, to taste him and give him release while all those beautiful muscles contracted simultaneously. Hyungwon wanted to sketch it, but it was inappropriate.

His hands roamed over the boy's sides and hips before slipping under his t-shirt and moving it up. He only broke the kiss to close his lips around a pretty nipple, sucking on it to hear those beautiful sounds again that he thought of more often than he dared to admit.

_ You must be manipulative because you're the one who wants it the most. _

"Oh god, Hyungwon, fuck," the pleasant low voice moaned, completely without restraint as the pale fingers sunk into his hair and pushed him against the muscular chest while the man on his lap shifted closer and threw his head back with another moan. 

_ He likes it so much. _

The sight fuelled his own arousal and made him want to see more. It was crazy to be in the kitchen and act the way he did, but he couldn't help it. Keeping his grip around the boy's waist, he stood up and lowered both of them to the cold tiles, lips still playing with the other man's nipple. His fingers caressed the warm skin in the meantime, like a feather to keep the touch light until he arrived at the waistband and undid the button, lowering the zipper right after. He should have asked whether it was okay, whether he could taste the other man, but he couldn't get himself to speak.

"Your lips are driving me crazy, fuck me up," the boy moaned, pulling at his hair a little and curving his spine like a snake. The reactions were encouraging, so he left the sensitive nipple, massaging it with his fingertips instead and nibbled his way down to the boy's navel, dipping his tongue inside. He really liked how the pink-haired man tasted and lowered his jeans and underwear to have better access. He was being quick about it, but each glance towards the gorgeous face told him that the other man loved what he was doing to him.

_ He even told you to act, Hyungwon. _

Licking over his lips to smoothen the slide, he closed his mouth around the head of the boy's erection and sucked intently, using his tongue on the slit. He didn't have a piercing, but it must have felt good nevertheless. 

The boy was moaning, pulling on his hair and rubbing his head against the tiles, pink hair sprawled around and curved lips parted with all kinds of arousing sounds. "I'm going crazy, fuck."

Hyungwon contained a smile because that compromised his sucking skills and kept using his right hand to play with a nipple while his left stroked over the other man's inner thigh, slipping down until he was able to massage the skin in between his balls. He loved the noises so much. It sounded like the boy was feeling pure bliss, moaning in a way Hyungwon would have never allowed himself to, simply because he was too embarrassed.

_ But it fits him so well because everything is genuine about him. _

Deciding that he'd played enough, Hyungwon relaxed his throat and let the whole length slip into his mouth. It was a little unusual because the other man's groin was perfectly smooth and hairless and his lips met soft skin. He liked it, but wouldn't have done it for himself, ever. 

The thickness and size was quite a bit, but he had taken it before and made sure to hold his breath and inhale through his nose on the way back up. Once he added humming and his tongue, he didn't even need to focus to feel how the boy's thighs trembled below his fingers and his abdominal muscles flexed. Again, he heard his name in a low, breathy moan as the pink-haired boy came down his throat, still twitching in his mouth after some time passed.

"Holy shit, Hyungwon." His roommate lifted up on both elbows and stared at him.

Hyungwon was rather awkward with aftermaths, so he did what he always did and let the length slip out almost until the tip before moving down and sucking one last time, making sure he got everything. He felt better after adding a tiny hint of pleasure dizziness to the boy's mind.

The pink hair lifted from the tiles quickly, before his roommate grabbed his face and pulled him on top of himself. "I want you," he whispered before licking into his mouth hungrily.

Hyungwon couldn't remember anybody ever wanting to taste themselves, but that wasn't even what caught his attention the most. He had just pleasured the man in front of him, but he still wanted more?

_ Was it not enough for him? _

Gasping into the kiss, he used one arm to keep some of his weight away from the boy's shoulders and tilted his head to enjoy it better. The bubble gum taste was still there and Hyungwon couldn't help but want to eat strawberries off the handsome man's skin.

"Now for real, what do you fancy? My lips? I want to give you fucking everything, just tell me what you like." The words vibrated against his neck before he felt teeth sinking into his skin followed by the boy's pierced tongue. 

He moaned lowly, unable to help it as his mind furiously tried to figure out how to tell his roommate that he didn't have to get him off because he acted on his desire to pleasure him and not to be pleasured. 

"You- you don't have to," he managed and sucked a big gulp of air into his lungs. He was enjoying the friction against his groin a little too much to give his words weight.

"Fine, then I'll do what I like," the handsome boy replied before taking him and simply carrying him to the kitchen counter. Not even once since Hyungwon grew higher than one meter forty had anybody carried him anywhere. He couldn't even tell how he felt about it, too occupied with what followed after. 

As soon as his ass touched the surface, the pale hands began undressing him, pulling his pants down his legs and getting rid of his t-shirt. The pink hair and sensation of teeth was everywhere, against his neck, his nipples, his stomach. The boy played with the sensitive skin of his balls before lapping at his tip with his pierced tongue.

He moaned, unable to help it with the onslaught of sensations and pleasure that freed itself from his mental confinement. Hyungwon had been trying to hold back, but he wasn't able to when the man in front of him acted so quickly, not giving him the time to prepare. 

"God," he gasped and threw his head back, legs spreading automatically.

The pink head was buried between his legs. The noises were embarrassing, but his partner didn't seem to care, as usual, giving his everything to make him come. Shortly before he was so close that the twitches gave him out, the handsome boy let go and bent him, licking over his crack. He continued by sucking on his balls and biting into his inner thigh while stroking his dick with one hand.

_ Holy fucking shit. _

Hyungwon whimpered at the sudden loss, throwing his head back with such force that he hit the cupboard. But the throbbing at the back of his head wasn't enough to distract him as he reached out and raked through pink hair, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like please. He was so close and his body didn't care whether he was being embarrassing or not, legs spreading even wider and erection twitching in the boy's hand. Again he felt the boy's tongue between his ass cheeks, before he must have had pity with him and took him back into his mouth, sinking down all the way.

That was enough for white to paint his vision as he made more noise than he ever remembered being capable off, low moans echoing off the kitchen walls and whimpers still leaving his lips when he was recovering from over sensitivity. Hyungwon felt so dizzy that he worried about falling off the kitchen counter, right on top of the other man like a fucking wimp. Again, there was no sign that the pink-haired man was aware of his struggles. Instead, his legs were covered in kisses and tender bites, pierced tongue teasing his tip once in a while.

"I love the sounds you make," the boy whispered and tongued his slit.

_ He does? _

Hyungwon couldn't reply as he was too busy moaning and pulling his legs together because it felt too fucking intense.

"You can fuck dicks with that thing," he muttered and took a few deep breaths to calm down from his high. 

_ God, what are you even saying? _

"I can, indeed." His roommate grinned and did exactly that while staring him right in the eyes.

"Fuck, god-" Hyungwon cursed, holding onto the counter for his dear life as another very embarrassing whimper left his lips. He liked it, he liked it a lot, but that wasn't something to admit to other people, just like porn preferences had to be kept secret. His mind felt hazy and he spread his legs again, eyes fluttering shut as he wondered whether the other man had done this to other people before. Did he know how crazy it felt?

"I want to stay between your legs and fuck your slit forever as long as I can hear you moan like that, shit, I'm hard again." The boy shook his head and returned his attention, repeating the whole thing endlessly.

Hyungwon lost control over his arms and just gave up holding himself up, head almost landing in the sink as he lay down fully and didn't know where to put his limbs anymore. His roommate's comment was also kind of embarrassing because it meant he was making different sounds from before, but he also couldn't really help it. Hyungwon also really liked the sounds the other man-made, so maybe it was just normal to enjoy signs of the other person's pleasure. 

_ You can't think like this. _

He couldn't, so he grabbed the tap with his free hand and closed his eyes, focusing on the sensation and not on the fact that he must have looked ridiculous lying on the counter while moaning uncontrollably.

An additional sensation joined as he felt the other man's hand under his balls, massaging the spot slowly. Hyungwon panicked briefly, thinking the other man had other intentions until he let his head fall back on the counter and groaned, mouth remaining open because he couldn't manage to keep it closed.

_ This is driving you mad. _

"Shit, fucking hell, Bunny," he mumbled and used his right arm to cover his eyes in the hope of at least a little decency.

"Mhm," the boy hummed tentatively before continuing with more effort, alternating intense sucks with the piercing play.

_ He'll make you cum again like this. _

Hyungwon panicked a little, partially because it must have looked like he wanted the other man to pleasure him and partially because he never orgasmed from a piercing and ball play. His whole body was shaking at this point but not because he was afraid. The whole thing was so confusing that he barely kept his eyes open, gasping at the sounds from his lips kept getting louder and more desperate.

"Oh my god, I'm going to die," he moaned and reached for a fistful of pink hair, tugging at it as his whole body convulsed and his vision blurred. He didn't even orgasm inside the boy's mouth or something proper but must have covered his face, god.

_ You're such a fucking pervert. _

"Wow, you must've liked it a lot," the low voice commented before the boy reached for the paper towels next to his head, probably to clean his face. "I'll keep that in mind. But are you okay?"

"Shit, I'm so sorry," he apologised and tried to catch his breath, limbs like jelly and head-turning like he spent the whole afternoon on a merry-go-round.

"What? Why? Wait, your back must hurt from lying on the counter." Bunny took his body like it didn't weigh anything and carried him to the bedroom. "You say that you're sorry, maybe you mean that I should be sorry? Should I be sorry for something?" The pink hair appeared right next to him on the incredibly soft sheets.

"What, no! I'm sorry because you must think I'm such a pervert, a pussy pervert." Hyungwon groaned and tried to scramble away, but his limbs weren't listening and he must have looked like a fish on land. "I wanted to suck you off, but then you drove me so mad that you must think I only wanted you to get me off or something. And that I have weird kinks, god."

"First of all, why would you drag female genitals into this? This is a gay-only party. Secondly, you're not a pervert, you're pretty and you enjoyed what I did, so I'm happy. Being with you is way more fun than what I'm used to." Warm lips placed a kiss on his shoulder hesitantly. "What kind of kinks do you have?"

"I don't know- slit fucking? Eating strawberries off your body because you are so gorgeous? Weird shit." Hyungwon sighed and stared at the ceiling for a few moments, wondering when his body stopped following his orders apart from when he got anxiety, it never cares about his orders then. "If being with me is fun, then what did you have before? You seem decently experienced to me."

"Hmm, different stuff. I did have sex with my ex-boyfriend, but it didn't feel all that great, so I decided to stay with blowjobs forever." The handsome boy nodded and glanced to the ceiling. "I'm kind of new to this whole gay thing, but in terms of sexuality. I spent the past few months getting all the experience I could because I wanted to make sure that I'm really gay." Suddenly the discomfort disappeared and Bunny looked at him with his round eyes. "But eating strawberries off my body sounds all kinds of amazing. I also really liked the slit fucking."

_ Oh god. _

Hyungwon swallowed and tried to fit the image of the eager boy who didn't mind kissing him and talking about cum to somebody who only recently found out that he was gay. It didn't really fit, but maybe that was because Hyungwon needed ages to get the experience Bunny got in a few months.

"So- you only found out that you're gay recently? For me it was pretty straight forward because I only had crushes on boys, starting in Kindergarten. You're a step ahead of me if you already went all the way cause for that one's gotta talk and it's not really spontaneous and- plot twist, I can't fucking talk." He sighed and brushed through his long hair, wiggling his toes a little to return the feeling. It was kinda weird, because the other man still had on his t-shirt as Hyungwon never bothered to take it off. "So it's mostly spontaneous making out sessions for me with people that hate me and that I will never see again."

"I also crushed on boys only, but I was busy with other things, like refusing to take pills and being in hospitals and on the street. Now I'm fine though, thanks to you. I didn't really mean to go all the way, but the guy wanted to and he was pretty insistent, so… yeah. Can't really recommend." The handsome face turned away from him for a few seconds before the dark eyes returned. "I can't imagine anybody hating you."

_ Is it because he's so genuine with you? Is that why you're not terrified of what he might think? _

"I can," Hyungwon replied and chuckled. The sad expression on Bunny's face got to him somehow, so he reached out to wrap his arms around the other man's waist. A hug was the plan unless he fucked that up as well. "That guy was a real asshole and I'm sorry that you had so many things to deal with. How come you had to be at hospitals? Did you get hurt?" 

"Ah, no, my parents were pretty damn sure that I was fucked in the head, so they tried to make me take all kinds of pills, but I didn't like it, so… they put me into a hospital. Anygays, about the guy, he didn't care, but that's okay."

_ Holy fucking shit, of course, he doesn't understand how your family works. _

"No, it's not fucking okay. That's why I'm so scared you'll do something you don't want to. Please don't think you have to pay me back, buying groceries and getting me coffee is already more than enough. Not laughing at me is more than enough. You're nicer to me than I could have hoped for and I was so convinced that you hated me after that party. Don't let anybody take advantage of you, not even me." It felt weird to talk so much, but Hyungwon wanted to make sure that he got his point across. There was nothing wrong with Bunny apart from being honest and he couldn't believe that people wanted him to go to the hospital for that. His own parents.

The boy cupped his face and smiled so beautifully that it hurt to watch. 

"I really… really love the sound of your voice," he whispered. 

Hyungwon swallowed, not sure what to say to that. The sight was overwhelming, the genuine way with which the other man said those words. He must really mean them.

"Thank you," he muttered and really hoped he wasn't going to cry like a little bitch. "Your voice calms me down like it's okay to stay quiet."

"Don't worry. I'm pretty aware of what I'm doing. I might seem reckless, but I'm not dumb. Or I am. Anyway, thank you so much for having me here. Now you can even call me Bunny." The boy made himself bunny ears and winked at him.

Hyungwon couldn't help but smile at the sight, wondering if it was really okay that he didn't know the other man's name. He wanted to, but there was no good moment to ask anymore, all of them had passed him by.

"Do you want to sleep here, Bunny?" he asked, not sure what he was trying to compensate for with that, but having the other man's warm body in his arms made everything a little easier.

"W-what? Here? In your bed?" the boy's eyes widened and he leaned back to look at him properly. "Oh my god."

"Yeah, I… don't know how comfy the sofa is and you said that the bed feels like heaven and it's huge, so- if you don't mind me being here, you can try it out if you like." Hyungwon took a deep breath and hoped that he didn't sound like somebody who was trying to lure prey into his cave, because that really wasn't the point. He enjoyed looking at Bunny's face and if the pink-haired man was going to lie in his bed and cheerfully talk about things, then that was also fine with him.

_ You must really like having him around. _

"Have you seen the way I sleep? Like… where the blanket is? Because you might end up being the blanket. Not even Jooheon can handle that." A cheerful giggle entered his ears before the pink-haired boy squeezed the air out of his lungs. 

Hyungwon had not even once entered the living room while Bunny was sleeping, so he genuinely had no idea what the other man was talking about. But it couldn't be that bad, right? 

"I- I don't know, but I'm sure it's fine," he replied quietly and wondered if it was still okay to have his hands around the boy's waist.

"I would love to. I'm super clingy for someone who's usually pretty much unwanted, so I'm happy that you let me into your apartment and even your bed." The boy leaned in after the quiet reply and kissed him carefully, without any urgency.

_ Is it okay to enjoy this so much? _

Hyungwon didn't know, he only knew that deep inside he was being selfish, inviting the pink-haired man into his bed because the closeness calmed him down and because he didn't feel like a freak next to the other man. He wouldn't have done it if there hadn't been the feeling of ease that accompanied everything that Bunny did.

_ And this is what makes you selfish because you're only doing it for yourself. _

***

“I’m trying hard to find a place for you to stay,” Jooheon murmured, biting off a piece of his bagel and staring at him with a hint of guilt in his gaze. Of course, he felt guilty, even though Hoseok should have been the one to feel like that. 

_ But you don’t feel guilty. Just resigned because you’re a failure on all domains and got used to it. _

“Don’t bother. I’m actually really happy at the moment because he’s so nice to me. He even gave me a set of keys!” Hoseok exclaimed and took them out, shaking them in front of his friend’s face excitedly. “And today… today I will sleep in his bed. Do you understand? He will let me sleep in his big, expensive bed with soft pillows and a giant blanket, right next to him. I’ve never slept in a bed that big. It’s like he knows that it’s my birthday tomorrow.” Grinning brightly, he put the keys back into his pocket and shook his head briefly. “He doesn’t know it’s my birthday. He doesn’t even know my name. It must be because of the slit fucking. He liked it so much. Makes me want to do it again.”

“You are so fucked in the head, Hoseok. I don’t even know where to start explaining all the things that are obviously wrong with everything you just said. He is nice to you? He fucking should be because you are the nicest person I know. He gave you a set of keys? Also something he should do if you live there and he plans on going out without you. He will let you sleep in his bed today? What is this, Hoseok? Are you stupid? He just wants to fuck you, you idiot. You said that you don’t want that anymore, why would you… god, you are making me so angry, fuck.” His best friend threw his bagel on the plate and started massaging his temples. “I’m going to go there and kill him for being trash.”

_ Oh no. _

“No you won’t. Don’t be ridiculous. He lets me live in his apartment without taking any money from me. There is no way I’m going to leave before he tells me to leave. It can’t be that long, I’m trying to find backup for when that happens, but it doesn’t look good at the moment. I need to start sucking dick for money, but then again I can’t if someone’s disgusting.” Hoseok sighed, sad that he couldn’t even swallow down his disgust to do something to improve his living conditions. “See. I can’t do basic things, it’s no wonder that I’m continually having difficulties. He said that I’m handsome and that he liked how I touched him, so let’s hope he doesn’t throw me out before I find something else. And let’s also hope that he doesn’t want to fuck me, because if he does I’ll have to act and my acting is shit.” 

_ What can you actually do? _

Nothing. There was nothing he could do.

“I'll write thirty minutes less on your worksheet,” his manager yelled from the back and gave him another portion of guilt, an increase of his previous headache and the familiar feeling of not being good enough for anything. The usual. 

“It’s fine,” he murmured in reply and got up, pointing at Jooheon’s bagel. “Please enjoy and don’t even think about talking to him. He did nothing wrong and just helped me. In addition, it… won’t go well. Just don’t.” 

Hoseok knew that his friend was worried, he also knew that he wanted to help him, but the reality was very clear and had no space for pointless pride or feelings of overestimated self-worth. Smiling brightly, even though his head felt like exploding, Hoseok went back to work, making coffee and counting the hours until he could fall into the promised bed and knock himself out.  


_

It still felt strange to pull out his keys and open the big, white door, peeking inside and searching for the tall black-haired man he lived with. It resembled some kind of movie he wasn’t part of, but simply watched from the floor next to the screen because he had no money for a seat.

“It’s me,” he yelled into the dark hallway. Hyungwon must be in his bedroom already. His favorite spot.

_ That he is willing to share with you. For the night. _

He felt ambiguous about it. On the one hand, he really wanted to sleep on the huge bed next to a person he could hug and kiss and forget about everything with. On the other hand, there must be some kind of expectations associated with his agreement. Did he have to do something? Did the tall prince really want to fuck him? Well, he might. His ass was nice and he'd heard compliments about being tight and whatnot, so it must have been good for the person inside him.

_ God, just get it over with if that’s what he wants. He did so much for you and you can’t even take some discomfort. Is it worse than living under the bridge? It isn’t. _

Putting on his nicest smile, he knocked briefly and opened the door to the equally dark bedroom.

_ Huh? He isn’t here? _

“Hyungwon?” he called and walked to the living room and from there to the bathroom, but his roommate was nowhere to be found. Did he go out? The thought was a little surprising because he got so used to the black-haired boy being around that the fact that he might have gone somewhere seemed weird. 

_ Just shower and wait for him. _

Hoseok undressed on his way to the shower and washed his clothes before hanging them up on the hooks and taking a long shower. He cleaned up just in case and made sure he smelled like a blooming fruit tree.

_ One could even think you are acceptable. If they didn’t know you. _

He chuckled and winked at himself in the mirror before brushing his teeth thoroughly and cleaning the sink, just in case. After he made sure that he didn’t make anything dirty and there was no water soaking the tiles from his freshly washed clothes, he walked out of the bathroom, stark naked and planning on putting on his underwear in the bedroom.

Just when he entered the hallway, he was met with Hyungwon who stood right in front of the closed door with a package in his hands and was just about to take off his shoes. The black-haired boy was wearing a light jacket that almost slipped off his right shoulder and seemed very taken aback by Hoseok's nakedness, staring blatantly.

_ He said that he liked your body, remember? _

"Oh my god," Hyungwon muttered and immediately focused his attention on the package in his hands, clutching it to his chest while blindly attempting to slip out of his expensive sneakers.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Not that I would have dressed anyway, but I could have tried to flash you a little less.” He smiled brightly, remembering his previous efforts and walked into the spacious bedroom that still felt like a fucking palace to him. Taking a pair of white trunks, he pulled them over his butt and turned around, facing the tall, black-haired boy. “So, have you changed your mind about the bed, or is it still valid?”

Hyungwon's eyes widened, but he nodded quickly, finally managing to take off his shoes and jacket, package still in his hands as if it was attached to him. The black-haired boy seemed less relaxed than he had been the day before and his movements were a little hasty, like he moved only when he remembered that he should.

“Okay. You sleep on the left, right?” Hoseok sat on the edge and pulled up his legs, crossing them and putting his chin on both arms that he propped against his thighs. “Did you buy anything?”

Again Hyungwon nodded before stepping closer and stretching the package out towards him.

“Hm? You want me to look at it?” he asked and inspected an Amazon parcel. “Should I open it for you?” He glanced up and ripped it open after receiving another nod. Inside, there was a newly packed smartphone. “Wow! That looks fancy, it suits you really well.” He smiled brightly and held the package in front of the tall man, nodding in confirmation. “It’s elegant and valuable, like you.”

Hyungwon looked positive about his assessment, but chewed on his cheek, not taking the smartphone back.

"It's for you," the black-haired boy whispered and stared at his sock-clad feet instead.

_ What? _

Hoseok simply stared, waiting for a smile, a grin, for the boy to rip the package out of his hands and laugh at him, before showing him all the functions and brag about what else that thing he could never afford could do, but none of that happened. Hyungwon still stared at his feet and he still stared at Hyungwon, holding a thingy that was worth two months of nonstop working in his right hand.

“What do you mean this is for me? For me to be able to reach you? But don’t you have a phone? Should I help you set it up?” He held the packaging in the air, waiting for the tall boy to take it back.

Hyungwon shook his head again and stepped back, making it more difficult for Hoseok to give him the phone back.

"It's for you to keep. You- you said your screen is broken and you can't see anything on it, so I thought-" Taking a deep breath, the other man raked through his long hair, brushing it to the back of his scalp as he stared at the ceiling. "You… don't like it?" 

_ Did he buy you a phone? Fuck. Did he just buy you a fucking phone? _

Inhaling sharply, he stared at the ceiling too, trying to calm down his breathing, his heartbeat and the pile of emotions that apparently were waiting to be let out. When he was sure that he wouldn’t start crying, he glanced at the handsome man in front of him and licked over his lips briefly. 

_ You can do this. _

“Was it a burden to always listen to my problems? I’m really sorry, I should have shut my mouth, but I can’t, so I must have made you super uncomfortable. This… it’s like two months salary. I can’t afford that, so it feels weird to just take it from you because you’re so nice to me.” Suddenly he felt so stupid, sitting on someone else's bed with a package that contained more worth than his almost nineteen years of life.

_ Is it because he knows it’s your birthday? _

“How did you know it was my birthday? You didn’t have to get anything, I mean…” _He doesn’t even know your name, how does he know your birthday?_ _It doesn’t make any sense._

"No- I- I didn't know, I just… God, I thought it might make you happy, but you look so devastated and-" Hyungwon took a deep breath and walked another step back, eyes wide. "Of course I fucked this up, I don't even know how I thought I might do something right for once, fuck."

Biting down on his bottom lip, the black-haired boy turned around quickly and hurried out of the room, probably to escape somewhere, but there was no real place to go, so he stopped in the hallway and pressed his forehead to the white wall.

_ He thinks he did something wrong, even though it was you. _

He stood up and left the phone lying on the bed. It felt weird touching it as if he wasn’t supposed to touch anything that was in any way valuable. As soon as he caught up with the tall figure, he leaned against the wall next to him and reached out, stroking over his shoulder.

“You misunderstood. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Hyungwon shook his head furiously and placed both of his palms flat against the wall.

"No, it's not. I wanted to make you happy, but I got it wrong. I always get things like that wrong, fuck. I'm so sorry. You're not annoying, not at all. I just thought I could help but- shit, I'm sorry."

“You letting me sleep in your bed was more than enough. I am sincerely sorry that I made you feel bad. I never think about what others might think if I talk about not having money or having a fucked-up family or no place to go, but it must have made you so fucking uncomfortable that you felt as if you needed to help me. You are not responsible for my mess.” Hoseok pointed at his face. “You are just a super nice person who helped a complete stranger. You don’t even know how thankful I am because I keep talking about my problems. For fuck's sake, Hoseok.” He buried his face in both palms and groaned, inhaling deeply a few times.

That was enough to have the tall boy finally lift his forehead from the wall and look at him, eyes big and appearing wet. He seemed so desperate and it made Hoseok feel even more guilty.

"No, that's- that's not it. You don't make me uncomfortable, especially not with what you share with me." Soft fingers reached out and stroked over his hair, travelling to the shell of his ear and finally his shoulder where they stayed. "I bought the phone because I wanted to make you smile, but I upset you instead, so- I feel useless. Because it should be easy to make another person happy, but I can't do it. I couldn't even ask you for your fucking name because I knew you were going to hate me, Hoseok."

_ You told him your name just now. Now you can’t even pretend that you’re somebody else. _

“Why would I hate you? So far you've been nothing but nice to me, but I don’t understand. I can’t comprehend why you are giving me things, if there isn’t anything I can give back." 

_ But maybe Jooheon was right. Maybe he just wants to fuck you. But then again, it’s not worth an expensive phone, is it? _

There was no point in overestimating his worth, so he sighed, reaching for the boy’s wrists and curling his fingers around them. “Just tell me if there is something I can give you.”

Hyungwon shook his head, but the big brown eyes remained focused on his face this time. The black-haired boy looked so sad somehow, chewing on his bottom lip.

"I thought you hated me for not asking at the party and then it was too late to ask. I knew that asking meant showing that I don't know and then you would think that I don't care and hate me even more. When you told me to call you bunny I missed the last opportunity to ask like a fucking idiot. I just- I never know when to say the right things and now you can see and got hurt. That's why nobody wants me, Hoseok, I hurt people."

“Bullshit. I told you, the only thing you did was be way too nice to me. So nice that I can’t believe this is real. I thought you didn’t want to know my name, which was okay. Why would you? Why would anybody want to know my name?” He sighed, wondering whether it was already midnight, because no matter what, he had to sing the happy birthday song for himself. “Is it midnight already?” he asked, missing the watch on his wrist that he took off before showering because it wasn’t waterproof.

Hyungwon glanced at his own wrist before shaking his head. "In fifteen minutes," he whispered before taking a few deep breaths and staring at Hoseok's chest instead of his face. Hyungwon's fingers stroked over his forearms since he was still holding onto the boy's wrists. "I'm nice to you because I like you. You- are genuine and it just makes me want to make you happy."

_ Does he want to make you happy? Why? Because then you will go away? _

“But…” he started, completely lacking understanding of what was happening. “...why would you like me? I was sure that there was something I didn’t know that you were interested in. I assumed it was the making out, but I’m not sure anymore.”

Hyungwon swallowed audibly, fingers shaking a little as he closed his eyes and continued speaking with darkness surrounding him.

"Is it… okay to be interested in you? In- in Hoseok?" 

Instead of replying, he stared. Stared at the closed eyes and slightly parted lips. He stared at how the boy’s nostrils moved, releasing air quickly and how his long fingers were trembling against his arms. Sure, he was freaky and also fucked in the head as his parents liked to say, but why would Hyungwon react like that, only because he was interested in his fucked up life?

“You are… interested in me? In… in what sense?” he asked back, completely terrified to misunderstand even a single word of what this conversation was about.

"Like… like you as a person," the soft voice replied as Hyungwon kept his eyes shut, trembling of his body only getting worse. The black-haired boy seemed so terrified, lips shaking with every word. "Would you- would you… be my friend?"

_ You idiot. Like Jooheon. He’s interested in you in the same way Jooheon is. Only with touching. _

“Ah, friends with benefits? I know that, just without the friendship part. Of course, I would love to be your friend. I told you already, but you are the nicest person I’ve ever met. I would be so happy to have you as a friend.” Hoseok smiled brightly, surprised at how fast the topic changed.

Suddenly Hyungwon stepped forward, wrapping his long arms around his neck and burying his face in the crook of Hoseok's neck. The tall boy didn't say anything, but quick breaths and trembling lips tickled his skin. It only took a few moments until he felt hot liquid soaking his shirt, accompanying the tremors that passed through Hyungwon's skinny body.

_ Oh god, he is crying, Hoseok. You made him cry. _

He panicked, wrapping his arms around the boy’s slim waist and pulling him against his chest. His hands roamed over the broad back and stroked over Hyungwon’s black hair. He whispered that it was going to be okay into the cute ear while his lips placed careful kisses against the warm neck and his body automatically attempted to be as close as possible.

Hyungwon merely held onto him and kept his face buried against his shoulder, sobbing softly and holding his breath, only to start again. It seemed like the black-haired boy struggled to stop, rubbing his nose over his shirt repeatedly.

"I'm so thankful," Hyungwon suddenly whispered before another sob shook his chest. "I- I promised my dad not to cry, but I can't fucking stop."

_ Poor boy. He must be so devastated. _

“I cry a lot. Mostly in the shower. It makes me feel less pathetic because of all the water. I almost cried when you gave me the phone. Also no offense against Mr. Chae, but he knows nothing. Please cry as much as you like and I will rub your back and stroke your hair and also kiss your neck because it’s delicious. Unfortunately, I will also start singing my happy birthday song in thirty seconds, so please feel free to continue crying, you don’t need to listen, it’s a private tradition. On my birthday it’s usually only me myself and I, so I sing for myself.” Hoseok finished his monologue with another kiss against the warm skin of Hyungwon’s neck and patted the boy’s back.

"You're the first person that wanted to be friends with me," the low voice replied against his shoulder before Hyungwon finally lifted his face, eyes red and cheeks puffy. "Can I join you? It's lonely to sing it alone. But… but I can't sing."

“You want to sing my birthday song with me? Holy shit, not even Jooheon did that with me because he said it makes him sad. Please feel free to join, I just need to sing it once to celebrate that I’m still alive this year too.” Smiling brightly, he glanced at the boy’s wrist and started singing quietly with his eyes closed and still holding onto Hyungwon’s waist.

The other boy only listened at first, resting his head on his shoulder before he heard an equally quiet voice join in, singing it an octave lower and vibrating against his skin. It felt overwhelming to have another person join in and sing together with him in the middle of the dark hallway in the palace-like apartment. It was not only about singing or the fact that it was his birthday, it meant so much more than that.

_ It seems as if there is someone else besides you, who is glad that you are alive. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The lines that the tears left on his cheeks must have become invisible by now, only a memory of him breaking a promise that he made a long time ago, back when his father found out he liked boys.

Hyungwon had it easy with his family when it came to homosexuality. It was fine and he was free to kiss and love boys, he only shouldn't be a sissy about it. Crying because of somebody wanting to be his friend for the first time was definitely being a sissy.

Hyungwon didn't know how it worked, how other people managed to show others how much they cared without hurting the people they liked. Why was it so difficult for him?

_ You wanted to give him a gift, but made him feel worthless instead. _

The beautiful boy named Hoseok even had to tell him his name himself, hurt by his own conclusions and past experiences. Hyungwon didn't want to add to the past hurt, he wanted to be different, appreciative, but why was it so difficult?

No matter what he said, it always seemed wrong. Even the small confession that he managed to force past his lips, didn't reach its mark, not without an explanation. How were others able to express themselves with a single word, make friends with a single word and he still struggled after several sentences with trembling lips?

Hoseok had shared so much with him and still it felt like the other man was a mystery, a magical creature that decided to come and bless him with its presence, calming him down and talking him through his anxiety. There was nothing justifying the effort Hoseok constantly put into communicating with him, not even living at Hyungwon's place for free.

The mere thought that the pink-haired boy wanted to be his friend returned the familiar burning to his eyes, the urges that he fought with all his willpower. Hyungwon didn't even care about the benefits, he didn't need them, not if Hoseok didn't want them himself.

Lying in bed with the other boy felt unusual, new to him. He had never slept next to somebody else with the exception of his mother when he was a child. Having another person next to him was different and should have made him anxious, but the knowledge that it was Hoseok calmed him down a little. It was different with the pink-haired man because he didn't expect anything, he was surprised by everything Hyungwon did and ended up hurt if it went badly.

The sound of the two of them singing a birthday song still echoed in his ears in accompanied by warm hands on his back, holding onto him tightly as if he was a part of the celebration. The moment felt meaningful and Hyungwon was grateful to be included, to matter to somebody who had been on his own for much longer than Hyungwon had.

"Happy birthday, Hoseok," he whispered when the silence got thick, feeling like he needed the words to leave his mouth, to show somehow that it mattered to him too. 

“Thank you for celebrating with me, Hyungwon,” the low voice replied as the boy shifted under the blanket. They were lying next to each other, but without any points of contact. “I love the way you say my name. Your voice gives it something special.”

"Am I- am I saying it wrong?" Hyungwon asked, worried that he made it special by mispronouncing it. The two of them were sharing his big blanket, but the bed was large enough to lie on opposite sides and pretend that they were alone. For once Hyungwon didn't want to be alone.

“Huh? No. I guess I’m being overly dramatic about this because I can’t believe you are calling me by my name.” Again there was a shift and it seemed as if his roommate was rolling around on the other side of the bed. “This… is huge.”

"Yeah," he agreed and turned around to look, staring at what he could recognise of the pink hair in the dark. "I really wanted to know your name, but I was too terrified to ask. I'm thankful you told me, because I wouldn't have been able to ask without fearing that you would never talk to me again. My brain does that, even if it doesn't make sense."

_ Why are you explaining it? He probably won't understand. _

“Your brain? It tells you that I’ll never talk to you again? Well, congratulations, but that is like, the most unlikely thing to happen. I even talk to my ex after all the shit that happened, so the chances of me not talking to you even if you fucked me right now are 0 percent.” The pink hair came closer as Hoseok shifted again and he could recognize a pair of dark eyes, reflecting the minimal light. “That didn’t make a lot of sense, did it?”

Hyungwon simply stared, wondering why Hoseok would go as far as to make such an extreme example. The other man should run from a person like that and never talk to them again.

_ Maybe he doesn't think it's wrong to do that? _

"Well- I think you shouldn't talk to somebody who forces themselves on you. That's… basically rape." He swallowed after saying it because the mere thought that somebody could treat Hoseok like that felt so wrong to him. He wanted to go to that guy and punch him, but he would have never been able to. Hyungwon was barely able to talk to people he liked, let alone strangers.

“Oh. Well, but then again, if I’m with someone and we make out and have made out before and the only way to make it nice for the other person is to do stuff that doesn’t feel so good, then I’ll do it, because otherwise it would be wasted time and they would be mad and disappointed. I know that feeling really well. I mean the disappointment part, so if I have the chance to save someone from feeling that way, I prefer to stare at the ceiling for a bit.” The pink-haired man must have crawled closer because he was able to see even more of the handsome face. “But you don’t have to think that you force yourself on me. You’re beautiful and nice, so if that’s what you want, we can do that. I’m ready just in case.”

_ Holy shit, what? _

Hyungwon tried to process whatever had just left the other man's lips and why it was so terribly wrong. It sounded all logical when Hoseok said it, but it wasn't, it really wasn't. Why the hell would the pink-haired man force himself through something that he doesn't like for another person? Was not disappointing them worth it? But then the person is terrible for not caring about the way Hoseok feels. It just wasn't okay and the fact that the boy next to him expected him to do something hurtful for personal pleasure made him sick.

"I-" he began and swallowed, eyes fluttering shut to be able to express his thoughts correctly. "I would never, never want to do something that is unpleasant for you, no matter- no matter how it feels for me. Because- God, because pleasure is a mutual thing, it's supposed to feel good for both people and seeing how much the other person likes it is part of the fun. Even if- if I slept with you like that, I could never forgive myself for making you feel bad. It's- it's wrong, Hoseok. What that guy did was wrong."

The boy’s face held a thoughtful expression, eyes fluttering shut once in a while. 

“That’s why I say you are the nicest person that I’ve ever met. People are not like that, Hyungwon. But you are, and it’s so nice to be able to be next to you,” the low voice whispered. 

_ But people should be like that. That's why they are terrifying. _

"But… would you ever do something that I don't really enjoy because it feels good?" he asked carefully and turned to be able to look at Hoseok's face better. He had really pretty eyelashes and they were close enough for Hyungwon to tell.

“What? No! I'm not like other people because I'm fucked in the head. Of course I can’t know for sure, but I’d rather cut off my hand than hurt you in any way. You’re… you’re precious.” Pale fingers reached for his, but stopped in the middle as the pink-haired man let his right arm sink to the sheets.

Hyungwon really wished those fingers had reached him, fighting with his own to bridge the last bit of distance. He knew that Hoseok wanted to touch him, so it was okay, wasn't it?

"Then… why do you think it would be okay for me to do that? You are precious too," he whispered in reply and finally decided to reach out, hand carefully making its way towards the pink-haired man's.

“Hah, that’s the error in your thoughts. I’m not precious. I’m just a worthless person trying to survive. You can tell by how others usually treat you. You have such a nice family that likes you and everybody would like you if they see you the way you show yourself to me. On the other hand we have my person, but I've learned from my previous mistakes and won’t make you uncomfortable with unnecessary drama details. Just know that as soon as I need to give this up, I have literally nowhere to go and nobody cares whether I do either. I could say I have Jooheon, but I wouldn’t tell him because it wouldn't be the first time he had problems because of helping me. In conclusion, you’re extremely precious, and I’m kinda worthless, which is okay and nothing to be sad about.”

_ He really believes that, from the bottom of his heart. _

Hyungwon stared, shocked that the first person to ever be nice to him and could deal with his shit is so convinced of being worthless, that he would bear pain for other people's pleasure.

"You're wrong," he whispered and shook his head to support his words. "You said it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't care if they think that you are worthless, because to me you are not. To me you are precious, so I don't want to hurt you and I don't want anybody else to hurt you either. If there is something that I can do to help you, then I will because you are my friend and I care about you. You're also wrong about thinking that I don't want to know about your life, I want to know everything, but only if you are willing to share. Only because- because you met bad people doesn't mean you are worthless. You can't choose parents either. They… they can be bad, and hurtful. You say I'm a hidden gem? I could say the same about you, Hoseok. If everybody could see you the way you show yourself to me, they couldn't help but like you."

“Do you know what that reminds me of?” Hoseok asked, shifting a little closer and stroking over his fingers lightly. “That one time I fell asleep outside while waiting for my parents to come home and dreamt that I was adopted into a super nice family and had a mom and a dad who asked me how I was and whether I liked the food they gave me and it felt so fucking good, but then I woke up because my dad took my wallet out of my bag and took the money I worked for the whole day. Yeah. I’m waiting to wake up right now to be honest.” Lifting his free hand to his cheek, the pink-haired man slapped it a few times.

Hyungwon didn't know what to say as his eyes burned and he wished there was something he could say to make the other man feel better. It sounded terrible and he was just a single person that tried to make someone else believe that everything they experienced wasn't supposed to happen in the first place.

_ It wasn't, but it did. _

"It's not a dream," he whispered and opened his arms while chewing on his cheek because he was nervous. "Would you like a hug?" 

“I usually wake up right after someone is nice to me, so let’s see what happens,” Hoseok replied and giggled, before rolling over until he arrived in his arms and embraced him tightly. “Look at how much you are talking all of a sudden. Maybe I should tell you more about my amazing life so that you bless me with your attractive voice in return.”

"It's-" Hyungwon swallowed and breathed in the sweet scent of roses from the boy's hair. "It's because you help me relax. You're not scary and you don't judge everything I do."

“Oh, but I do judge you. You’re beautiful, nice and tall and your voice sounds like autumn. And your moans sound like the nicest music in the world. See? Judgment wherever you go.” Again Hoseok giggled and buried his face in the crook of his neck. “I’m glad that you don’t feel threatened by me. I really wouldn’t want to make you feel like that.”

Hyungwon smiled at the words, reaching out to stroke over Hoseok's pink hair. It felt nicer, now that they were close and talking to each other instead of lying on opposite ends of the bed. He didn't know if they were going to remain like that, but for now it felt more than perfect, like everything he ever dreamt of.

"You're perfect," he murmured and dared to place a kiss on top of the bright hair. "That's my judgement."

_

The first thing Hyungwon realised when he attempted to shift in his bed, was that he wasn't able to. His limbs appeared stuck in place and there were hot breaths against his neck, tickling him every few seconds.

_ Oh god, did you get drunk and make out with somebody? _

He jerked in shock and opened his eyes, but everything was familiar. The ceiling was his, the bed was his and the blanket was also his. There was also a puff of pink hair in his vision that wasn't his, but he didn't need long to associate it with a person.

_ Hoseok- you let him sleep in your bed last night. You must have fallen asleep after cuddling. _

Hyungwon exhaled with relief until his brain successfully noted that he must have fallen asleep in the middle of a conversation like an asshole. He might have also snored and kept the other man awake. He didn't know if he did that subconsciously, what if...what if he accidentally kicked Hoseok with his long legs? 

_ He'll probably never want to sleep in your bed again. _

Hyungwon was already accepting his fate when a sudden melody played throughout the whole apartment, forcing his eyes to widen and the man on top of him to startle awake.

_ It's the doorbell. Fuck, Hyungwon. _

"Holy shit, what's going on?" the low voice murmured into his neck as the boy's legs tightened around him instead of letting go.

Hyungwon couldn't reply, too terrified of who it was and what they wanted. What was he supposed to say? He was only in his underwear, he couldn't open the door like that. He generally couldn't open the door, what if it was a neighbour that thought he was making too much noise?

_ What the hell are you supposed to do? _

Again the bell rang, this time a little longer. 

His mouth felt dry and his forehead already began sweating. Hoseok was probably able to tell how disgusting he was, freaking out and almost fainting because of a door bell. His vision had already begun to have spots and his breaths were way too fast.

_ Your heart is too fast too. What's happening? _

"Should I go?" The pink-haired man that was holding him hostage asked, before simply letting go and jumping up. He didn't even bother putting on anything as he heard the door open.

_ Did he just open it? Without a second thought? _

Hyungwon couldn't breathe and wrapped himself in the blanket, squeezing his eyes shut and waiting for the feeling of imminent death to leave. It always did eventually.

Some time passed and he heard Hoseok's gorgeous laugh, steps, bits of conversation, more laughing and finally the sound of the door being locked. He waited patiently until the bed shifted and he was embraced again. 

His heartbeat was still too fast, but having Hoseok's arms around him helped a little. Usually he didn't want anybody to see him like that, but the worst was over, so he tried to breathe properly and not seem like a crazy person.

_ Because normal people don't freak out when their doorbell rings. _

"The dude wanted an egg, but judging from the way he stared at my crotch I'd say he was more intrigued by my dick. I guess I should've waited until I wasn't hard anymore, but oh well," Hoseok murmured into the blanket next to his ear.

_ He… what? _

Hyungwon turned and stared at the handsome face, framed by pink hair, in disbelief.

"You opened the door only in your underwear and with a boner? And- you're not embarrassed? I feel like dying on the spot and I didn't even get to unlock the door." He held his breath to keep himself from imagining himself in Hoseok's situation and preferably also to refrain from glancing down at the boy's crotch. He didn't want to be a pervert.

"Yeah. I only noticed the boner when the guy kept staring. Nothing happened, he got his egg and some healthy blush. He was cute." Suddenly Hoseok pulled down the blanket and stared at him. "Oh god, is it okay that I gave him the egg?"

_ This is literally the least of your problems. _

"What- of course," he muttered, suddenly embarrassed by being only in his underwear and only half covered by a blanket. He was also painfully aware of the fact that Hoseok was by far the hotter one, looking all sculpted and bad ass. "You look stunning, even in the morning. This is blasphemy."

"I have my boner thanks to your handsomeness, so it's a symbiotic relationship that your neighbour was honoured to enjoy." The pink-haired boy giggled and slipped under his blanket, wrapping his legs around his hips and making him feel exactly what that meant.

_ You're too gay for this, it's not fair. _

"Liar," he muttered, but already felt heat travelling to his cheeks. Hoseok made him want to touch him and return to all those strawberry fantasies which was really bad considering that Hyungwon was trying to behave. "Everybody has a boner in the morning and you didn't even see me when you stood up."

"I spooned you. You were my small spoon and your butt is godly, so you see what happened. My morning boner fades a minute after I get up. Believe me." Suddenly, hot lips attached to his shoulder, kissing along his neck to his earlobe. "Happy Birthday to me," Hoseok whispered.

_ It's his birthday and you're ruining it by accusing him of lying. _

Hyungwon panicked because of morning breath and covered his mouth with his palm, a little too late for the breathy gasp that left his lips and undermined all his efforts to seem like he didn't want to ravish the pink-haired man.

_ You're hopeless and he can tell. Just hope that he actually wants this. _

His roommate wrapped around him further, rolling his hips briefly and moaning right into his ear.

_ Fuck this, you can't say no when he's this responsive. _

Hyungwon licked over his lips and slipped his right hand between their bodies, rubbing along the outline of the other man's erection while his mind helpfully supplied how it would feel inside his mouth, throbbing and accompanied by the boy's unrestrained moans.

"I want you in my mouth," he whispered and hoped it was okay to say it out loud, to observe the gorgeous man that moaned from something as simple as rolling his hips against his bony hip. "Can you… climb up?" 

"Definitely," Hoseok replied, accompanied by a wink. His pink hair was sticking out in different directions, but his body looked flawless, defined muscles covered in tattoos. He could observe how the boy's thighs and abdomen flexed as he climbed up, glancing down at him and letting out a very attractive hiss.

_ You're so hooked, fuck. _

Hyungwon didn't comment and hoped that his face didn't show everything that he thought. His hands were eager to travel over the boy's thighs and test out their firmness before he pulled the white underwear down and let Hoseok's erection jump in his face. He liked the heavy weight on his chest and the expression on the other man's face, especially when he stretched out his tongue and licked over the tip. His hands had already moved to the back, massaging those ridiculously firm butt cheeks.

_ How can he like your ass if you don't have one in comparison? _

"I get a lot of compliments for my ass," the boy said teasingly before the last few sounds transformed into a breathy moan, followed by another one and another one, frequency increasing along with his efforts. "Oh my fucking god, your lips, fuck."

Hyungwon's mind was supplying him with too many arousing images that involved himself, butts and the other man, so he decided that he needed more distraction than that. Relaxing his throat, he applied pressure to Hoseok's behind and let him slip further into his mouth, hinting at him to move on his own. A moan was silenced by the length between his lips as his own arousal throbbed between his legs.

The sight was gorgeous, the pale thick thighs that flexed right next to his face, Hoseok's smooth skin, the tattoos and how obvious it was that he liked it, sounds spilling from the curved mouth like a river, drowning him. The handsome boy moved by himself, throwing his head back and making all kinds of arousing sounds. After thrusting for a bit, the thick erection twitched in his mouth multiple times, accompanied by the other man's release.

Hyungwon didn't breathe and swallowed instead, enjoying the fact that Hoseok buried himself completely inside his mouth without much thought, too gone from how good it must have felt.

_ He looks so good when he takes control. He must like it. _

Sucking on the tip through oversensitivity, Hyungwon waited for the other man to pull away when it got too much, fingers still stroking over his firm behind.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" Hoseok asked, moving away and crawling down on him until their faces met. "I always forget that the thing is huge." He pointed at his dick before pulling his underwear over it. 

Hyungwon shook his head, after all that was exactly what he wanted. The problem was that shaking his head was the wrong answer.

"I mean- I'm okay, I wanted you to do that," he added quickly and was surprised by how rough his voice sounded, right from the graveyard. "I want you to do that all the time."

_ Shut up, no kink sharing. _

"That sounds like heaven, you can't be serious." The boy pushed his shoulder playfully before leaning in and kissing him again, tongue playing with his and teasing him a little. "I want you to make those sounds again. I imagined them when I touched myself in the shower." 

_ Holy shit. _

That was definitely too many images at once, first seeing the gorgeous man touch himself in the shower and second knowing that he was thinking of the sounds he made, the fucking embarrassing sounds he made. His dick twitched as his mind supplied him with the reason for moaning like that in the first place and he suddenly hoped to melt into the sheets. Instead of letting him, Hoseok leaned back, stuck out his pierced tongue and performed very suggestive movements. 

"Fuck," Hyungwon cursed and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that he wasn't going to be obvious if he couldn't see it. Of course he wanted the pink-haired man to do it again, but it was embarrassing and not something he dared to say with his own mouth. Having his throat fucked was way less embarrassing than that.

"Twitching in your underwear means that you like it," Hoseok commented and crawled down, nibbling on his skin in the process and not forgetting to suck on both nipples as if it was a necessary step before he could pleasure him. Hyungwon opened his eyes and could see the pink-haired man staring at his lace underwear before pulling it down and settling between his legs. Giving him exactly zero time to prepare himself, Hoseok pushed the barbel into his slit carefully, humming against it.

Hyungwon moaned so loudly that it resembled a scream, thighs pulling together to squeeze the boy's head only to spread apart again and give him more space. He was so glad that they were on the bed because he wouldn't have been able to hold himself up. 

"If this is what penetrative sex feels like, I want it," he gasped and threw his head to the side, unable to contain the whimpers and the urge to hold onto something. 

The boy didn't say anything to that and only teased him further, giving attention to his balls and licking over his crack once in a while before focusing on his tip with his pierced tongue while stroking the rest with his delicate hand, soft hums and pretty moans vibrating right where it felt good.

"Shit, Hoseok, please," he whimpered and gave up on breathing, panting instead as pleasure coursed through his whole body and painted his vision in white. He was so close, it was only a matter of minutes. "Oh my god, I'm going crazy."

A few more stabs of the boy's tongue were sufficient for his whole body to tense up and a loud moan to leave his lips, vibrating through his whole chest. It didn't sound like him at all, but Hyungwon wasn't able to contain it as he spilled his release on the boy's face again, like a pervert. 

Instead of being disgusted and mad, Hoseok giggled and kept teasing his tip through oversensitivity. "I wish I had that tongue that giraffes have, you know? Long and dark blue to lick everything clean."

He tried to focus, but wasn't able to with that barbell still anywhere near his dick.

"Shit- Hoseok wait- _ ah _, I'll go mad," Hyungwon mumbled and tried to scramble away from the intense sensation, thighs trembling from how good it felt. "I'm- sorry for coming all over your face, I should have warned you."

"I would have stayed in place even if you warned me. Do you like this?" the boy asked, repeating the movement before travelling down and licking over his crack, teasing him with the barbell too. "And this?" 

"Y-yeah," Hyungwon moaned and hated the way his voice sounded, head thrown back and hand too late to cover his mouth. It felt sensitive, but he enjoyed it, like a tingling sensation that went right to his dick.

The pink head stayed between his legs, bending him a little and quite literally kissing his ass.

"Wait- why- I just came," he mumbled, but angled his legs up to get them out of the way. It was a little strange, but he also liked it. 

_ He mentioned it before, rimming you. _

"Oh god, Hoseok, wait- if you want to… shouldn't I, you know, shower?" 

"Mhm. I just wanted to know whether it feels good for you when I kiss you there and it seems like it," his roommate replied before finally lifting from between his legs and wiping his face with a tissue he got from the night table.

_ He stayed like this all this time just to kiss your crack, oh god. _

Hyungwon thought of hiding again, but decided to divert the attention away from him.

"And you… do you like that?" he asked, but didn't hold out and buried his face in the pillow, too embarrassed. Sucking dick was all cool and everything, but this went slightly out of his comfort zone.

"The kisses? Yes. Everything else that involves movement, well..." Again, the boy seemed slightly uncomfortable, smiling shyly and jumping up from the bed. "I'll go to brush my teeth," he said cheerfully before disappearing down the hallway.

_ It probably hurt. _

Hyungwon groaned and buried his face in the pillow, wondering how long he was going to have to talk about sexual things without doing them first.

_ You wanted to give him space. Well, that worked well. _

Rolling up in his blanket, he simply hoped that he was able to stay there for a long time, preferably until Hoseok forgot that he was embarrassing.

Unfortunately that was impossible, because nobody forgot his mistakes. Ever. 

***

“I have a problem,” Hoseok murmured from his spot on the dirty carpet in front of Jooheon’s door as his best friend finally stepped out of the elevator, eyes widening in a familiar way. He couldn’t sleep last night and silently escaped the extremely comfortable bed in the early hours of the morning to sit on the floor in front of someone’s door. That alone was enough to show how much was wrong with him in general.

“Don’t tell me you have been sitting here for longer than five minutes. I told you not to do that, fuck, Hoseok, why?” Honey reached for his hand and pulled him up easily, inspecting his outer appearance and face. “Don’t tell me you let him… please…” he murmured, squeezing his hand.

_ It would be easy if you did. _

“No. Nothing like that happened. My problem is a different one. I think I accidentally found a person who cares about what I say. It’s terrible.” His bottom lip trembled from the piled up emotions and he reached out for the handle while his friend unlocked the door.

“W...what? But everyone should…” Jooheon started but shut up in the middle, knowing all too well that the ‘should’ didn’t work in Hoseok’s case. His lost case. “Happy birthday again.”

_ You’re so lucky to have him. _

“Thank you. I don’t know what to do, Honey. He wants to be friends with benefits and I mean, the benefits were there before, so it’s fine, but he also wants to be friends and actually cares about all the fucked up shit I say. He bought me a phone. A fucking phone, do you understand? It’s like- worth more than my nineteen years of life!” Hoseok slipped out of his shoes and walked into the cozy living space, sitting on the right side of the couch. Burying his face in his palms, Hoseok let a few tears escape before getting his shit together and facing his friend who looked close to tears too.

_ Of course he is, because you’re a mess. _

“I… I thought that he wanted to fuck, but he didn’t. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, because I talked about Jay before and that it wasn’t all that awesome. He remembered and told me that he doesn’t want that. He also said I am the one with the real problems. He's letting me live there, share his bed with him, he bought me a phone and sang my birthday song with me because I can’t keep shit to myself and rub my fucked up life into his face without giving him a way to escape. I hate myself. I wish I had a place to go to give him peace, but I don’t. Fuck.” His resolution not to cry for once crumbled and he sobbed, slapping his hands back against his face to at least spare Jooheon his ugly expression. 

“But I care too, Hoseok. That’s why I keep saying that it’s the way it should be. It’s… I mean… it’s really nice of him to give you a present… as long as he doesn’t want anything in return.” He felt the couch give in under Honey’s weight and an arm around his shoulders that felt so fucking good. He let go of everything and buried his face in his friend's neck, sobbing like he needed to cry to clean his mind from everything. “I think it’s super nice that you talk about everything openly like that because you are giving me the opportunity to tell you how wrong your thoughts are. I… we had this talk before, haven’t we? We’ve known each other for two years now and I haven’t seen everything that happened with you, but I saw quite some stuff. Still, it doesn’t mean that it’s the way it should be. It’s… it’s fucked up. I’m going to make shit loads of money and live together with you somewhere far away.” 

_ You must be like some ugly, injured cat on the street. People want to help you to not be forced to see your ugly fucking misery all the time. _

“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have come, but I don’t know where else to go,” he whispered, feeling disgust towards himself for making it about himself again. “I don’t know why I’m like this, why can’t I just get my shit together like other people do? Why are you so nice to me?” He slapped his friend’s shoulder, trying to hold his breath and return to the cheerful Hoseok who was still an ugly sight, but definitely better than a fugly sobbing Hoseok.

“Because I like you. You are such a cool guy. Really. You were the only person who hyped up my shitty tattoo skills and let me draw all over your body while I learned it. The one on your back is bloated as fuck.” His best friend laughed loudly and stroked over his hair. “My parents would have never allowed me to ink, but you gave me the opportunity to learn it on you and now I have a hobby that makes me so fucking happy. You make me happy.”

_ Liar. _

“You are lying, but you look cute when you do,” Hoseok murmured and rubbed over his thigh. “Would you ink me a tattoo for my belated birthday? I don’t have money though as you might know.” 

“Did you drink?” Jooheon asked, dimples appearing on his cheeks and eyes turning into crescents.

“No,” he whispered in reply and got up, walking towards the familiar room. Jooheon followed him quietly, not saying anything at all because there was no point.

_ As if you have money to get drunk. _

_

It was five in the morning when he stepped into the dark hallway and took off his shoes quietly, hoping to be silent enough for his roommate to stay asleep. His thigh burned on the spot of his newest tattoo, but it was a very pleasant burning. Hoseok felt like a creep entering the bedroom on his tiptoes and taking off his clothes quietly, trying not to breathe, but almost fainting because he held the air in his lungs for too long. 

_ You should have just slept on the couch, why are you like this? _

Sighing quietly and hating himself for making noise, Hoseok walked towards the bed and crawled in, finally looking at the figure that lay there. Hyungwon had his face mostly covered by the blanket, pulled all the way to his nose and lay on his back. What gave Hoseok a scare was the fact that the boy had his eyes opened, looking at him. The noise that he made resembled a screeching pterodactyl, but lower. Breathing heavily, he slapped his hand in front of his mouth.

“Holy shit, Hyungwon,” he muttered before realizing that it was probably his fault. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”

The black-haired boy shook his head, rubbing his long hair over the pillow.

"I- I thought you might not… come back, so I couldn't sleep," the low voice whispered as Hyungwon pulled the blanket down, uncovering his mouth and removing the additional barrier that made it difficult to understand him. "Did I… do something to upset you?" 

_ Why would he think that it’s him? _

“God, no. You… you were just nice to me. I just…” _ Just say something that will make him feel better and try to sleep two hours before you have to get up. _“I just couldn’t handle the fact that you care so much about me.” 

_ Awesome. _

"Is it too much?" Hyungwon muttered and shifted on the bed, pulling the blanket a little higher again. "I don't want to burden you either. I just want to help. Will you… will you let me?" 

“No...no, god… no. It’s just that I can’t stop whining around and rubbing my problems in your face because usually nobody cares, so I just do it. But you… you bought me a phone and shared your bed with me and didn’t fuck me even though you had the opportunity, so I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.” Hoseok let himself fall on the mattress and hit his cheeks with both palms.

"Just- accept it. I do it because I want to, not because you tell me about your problems." The black-haired boy shifted closer and Hoseok felt hesitant fingers on his shoulder. "Even if you didn't tell me about your problems, I would want to give you something, I just didn't know what you might like. So- so I'm thankful you shared with me and I could get something useful."

“That shiny thing is worth more than my life, how the fuck am I supposed to take it?” he murmured, relaxing under the careful touches. It was one of those things that he noticed was different about the tall boy next to him. He was so… gentle. “I think now I’m starting to understand what you meant when you said that touching relaxes you. If I get touched like this, it calms me down too.”

He could see Hyungwon smile next to him, just lightly as the boy got more courage and stroked along his arm and over his head.

"When I think I don't deserve something, my mom always says that I should still accept it because otherwise it will go to waste. I think you deserve the world, but I can't give you the world, so maybe you can accept me and a smartphone instead?" The boy chuckled awkwardly and ruffled up his long hair.

"But…" Hoseok whispered and turned to face the other man's handsome face. "But what do you want in return?" 

Hyungwon looked confused by his question and paused the endless dance of his fingers over Hoseok's upper arm and shoulder.

"F- friendship?" the black-haired boy asked and chewed on his cheek. "But only if you want to. You could- you could also help me in return. Go to the supermarket, with… with the coffee and with opening the door."

"But I'll give you friendship for free… and I will go to the supermarket and open the door for free too. You must… I mean… there must be something that you want, even though I understand that the choice is limited when it comes to my person. You have everything, what would you want from someone like me?" Suddenly he realized what it might have been and leaned back, staring into the boy's big eyes. "Aaaah, it's funny how I'm fucked in the head, right? I heard a few times that it's amusing to be with me because I'm crazy and desperate." Hoseok smiled and nodded, finally feeling at ease knowing what it was that the beautiful man cherished. "Sure, but it's still not worth a phone."

"No, that's not it at all," Hyungwon exclaimed and seemed lost again, sitting up and staring at his hands as if they had committed a crime. "God, why do I never make sense? You're-" the boy inhaled sharply, "you're the first person that wanted to be my friend and doesn't walk out the door when I need minutes to produce a single sentence. You're already giving me something nobody else does, Hoseok. You're here, spending time with me. Fuck, I must sound so desperate."

_ He wants to spend time with you? _

"It's for free. I really enjoy spending time with you because you don't look at me with a mixture of pity and disgust. I guess you may, but I simply ignore it and imagine that you like me." He rubbed his new tattoo over the sheets and hissed, rolling to the side and wondering if he stained anything. He was fucking reckless, ruining other people's property. "Fuck, I'm sorry," he whispered and rubbed over the darker spot on the sheets that was definitely there from his Vaseline covered leg.

"Oh god, are you hurt?" Hyungwon gasped and hurried closer, removing the blanket to take a glance at Hoseok's thigh. "Is it… red? Are you okay? I can't tell in the dark."

"What? No, I got your lips tattooed on my thigh because they're pretty. Look, the mole," Hoseok giggled and pointed at the darker dot in the middle of the drawn bottom lip.

"W-what?" The boy's eyes widened comically and he moved even closer, basically leaning over Hoseok's thigh. If Hyungwon had wanted to he could have kissed his own lips. "But… why my lips? How could the person draw them without seeing me? Did it hurt? Did you get hurt because of my lips? Oh my god." 

_ Why is he so adorable? _

"It was me. I drew them. Jooheon didn't say anything, but his face was judging me hard. He did such an amazing job though. If I think about it now, I should have gotten it on a spot I can reach with my lips, but now it's too late. Why am I so dumb?" Hoseok sighed and stroked around the tattoo, without touching it. "I like it," he whispered and lifted his fingers, stroking over the boy's plump lips that looked so much better in real life.

"I could… I could kiss them for you," Hyungwon whispered as his gorgeous lips parted and he glanced down, probably too embarrassed to meet Hoseok's gaze. Leaning in carefully, the boy placed a kiss to the skin right next to his tattoo, making sure not to touch it. Keeping his lips there for a while, he finally looked up again. "Can I try to explain why your friendship is more than enough? It might just take a while because I'm too dumb to word things properly. Can you… can you wait?" 

"I'll wait as long as you need. Until I die because there's no way that I am enough in any way, but it's fine, I'll stay as long as you like and then I'll go as soon as you tell me to. Don't worry, I will be fine, I'm always fine, see?" Hoseok pointed at his face and smiled brightly. 

Hyungwon looked sad somehow and reached out to stroke over his cheek, fingertips travelling down to his shoulder along his neck.

"Imagine… imagine that you have hundreds of snack bags, no- wait- let's say blankets. You have hundreds of blankets and actually you didn't need them all, because sleeping with one is sufficient, right? Now, if somebody came along and needed a blanket, would you feel bad about giving them one? After all you have so many and you can only use one. I think… I think I'm somebody like that. I have a lot of things and… it's not that terrible to share them with somebody. It's not really like giving something away." The black-haired boy closed his eyes, but kept his fingers on Hoseok's shoulder, stroking along it with his fingertips. "Now imagine that I have all those things, but there is one thing I'm missing. Wouldn't… wouldn't that something be so much more precious than all those blankets and phones and what not? You're that special something, really really special and I still can't believe that you want to stay here and be my friend."

_ Why is he talking about blankets suddenly? Is he cold? _

"I… I don't have anything apart from the things that you are giving me. What is it that you are missing, Hyungwon?" Hoseok couldn't help but to reach out and stroke over the boy's smooth cheek.

"That's what you don't understand, it's you," Hyungwon replied and used his long index finger to point at Hoseok's firm chest. "A friend like you, somebody I can talk to, somebody who tells me the truth and talks about his problems. I'm not that scared around you and… I think it's the first time I've felt like this."

_ He really wants to be your friend? _

"M-me? But I'm a mess." 

_ You're inflicting pity again. Watch him buy you a house if you keep being like this. _

"I… I mean, sure! Of course, I'm your friend. You even sang my song with me."

"I'm the mess," Hyungwon whispered and leaned in to press his plump lips against Hoseok's forehead, leaving the warmth even when the black-haired boy sat back on his calves. "You're really beautiful, inside and out."

_ Oh god, he is delusional, isn't he? _

"You should've seen me sobbing on Jooheon's couch and let me tell you, I don't cry beautifully like you, I sob loudly and my face is all over the place." Hoseok sighed, wrapping his arms around the boy's slim waist and pulling him on top of himself. "Just… just kiss me," he whispered.

"I don't think there is such a thing as beautiful crying," Hyungwon murmured before nodding and leaning in, plump lips covering his own. It was magical how easily the boy in his arms relaxed and those warm fingers began stroking over his naked skin, raking through his hair.

"There is. I don't know how you do it," Hoseok replied, leaning into the kiss desperately, "...but it seems as if everything is beautiful about you."

_

The past few days were so stressful that he slept on the couch after coming home. It had been so late that he was scared to wake the handsome boy up by crawling under his thick blanket. Due to his new working hours and the additional course that he had to do because he had to miss semesters before, not having any money for tuition as his parents had taken it all away after he worked for it over five months.

_ They said you don’t need to study as you’re a waste to society. Maybe they were right? _

Maybe he was worthless, but he still wanted to know more about how society worked. Why there was no place for him. He wanted to understand it so badly.

His thoughts were circling around his roommate and how he might have been doing, in addition to the shiny device that lay on the bedside table next to the side that he usually occupied during the night. Hoseok still didn’t dare to open his present, scared of how it might feel. Wondering whether he would cry or start offering all kinds of things in return, and Jooheon told him not to do it to prevent people from taking advantage of him.

_ But for taking advantage there must be some in the first place. You can’t relate to that. _

Chuckling to himself, Hoseok walked towards the students office to check whether his card balance was two franks or four franks. He couldn’t remember. Not that he would have gotten anything for that money, but his curiosity the best of him.

As soon as he arrived at the ATM, a tall figure moved in the corner of his eye and he turned around, spotting Hyungwon, who was leaning against the wall right across from the waiting room for the student administration office. The boy was staring at his feet and only lifted his head occasionally to look through the glass at the waiting students. His roommate didn't look like he was standing there for the hell of it, but Hoseok couldn't tell why he didn't go inside.

“I can’t believe this is our first time meeting at school.” Hoseok walked over with a big grin on his face. He was a little sad that he didn’t have enough money on his student card to invite the tall man for coffee, but maybe he could go to the Starbucks he worked at and get some if he worked extra hours. “Are you waiting for someone?”

Hyungwon looked up and his eyes widened, but he didn't reply. The boy played with a silver ring on his index finger, turning it repeatedly while staring at his feet again.

“Ookay, so I guess no? Do you want to go for coffee then? I can only offer Starbucks though because my card is empty.” Hoseok smiled but the longer the silence continued, the less he was sure that Hyungwon even wanted to talk to him.

_ What if… he doesn’t want to be seen with you? _

This time Hyungwon shook his head, but Hoseok could feel how the boy's fingers suddenly wrapped around his wrist, holding on tightly.

"I- I have to," the low voice whispered, but the sentence didn't come to an end.

“You have to? No, you don’t have to, as if I would force you to go for coffee with me, I… should I leave again?” he asked, but still reached for the warm palm, stroking over Hyungwon’s fingers lightly. Hoseok had no idea why he always did inappropriate shit, it was no wonder that people were weirded out.

The tall boy tightened his grip around Hoseok's wrist and shook his head furiously. Letting his eyes flutter shut, Hyungwon took a few breaths and started again.

"No, I have to… I have to go in there," he whispered, voice no more than a breath that tickled Hoseok's nose.

_ There? _

Looking around, he remembered that the handsome boy was looking at the student administration office through the glass wall. Suddenly he also recalled that Hyungwon told him about not liking being among people.

_ You’ve been a friend for a week and already are a shit fucking friend. Congrats. _

“Ah, you have to go to the administration office? What do you need? Enrolment confirmation? Or do you need a new card? Or did something scary happen?” Hoseok asked, holding onto the boy’s hand.

Hyungwon nodded once at his first question and shook his head at all the possibilities except for the last one. Reaching for his elegant leather bag, the black-haired boy pulled out a simple sheet of paper. It was a confirmation that he was privately insured. His roommate seemed so helpless, staring at him with that paper in his hand as if the mere fact that he had to hand it to the administration office was an impossible deed. 

“You need to give it to them? I know the worker, he even knows my name because I came all bruised and looking like shit with that stupid insurance proof because my parents didn’t want to give it to me. He was nice, let’s go.” Curling his hand around Hyungwon’s slim fingers, he pulled the boy behind him towards the glass door.

Hyungwon's whole body tensed and at first it seemed like he stopped breathing, only to breathe way too quickly, fingers holding onto him so tightly that it almost hurt. The painful sensation made him turn around, gaze focusing on the boy’s face. His eyes were wide open and he seemed scared for some reason, keeping his body in place like a block of ice.

Those brown eyes kept staring at him until the grip loosened a little and Hyungwon suddenly let his eyes flutter shut. Some of the muscle tension disappeared and the tall boy intertwined their fingers instead of simply holding on. One didn’t need to be an expert to see that his roommate really didn’t want to go in there.

_ Holding hands feels really cool though. _

“Is it okay that I come with you? Or do you want to go alone?” he asked to make sure, thumb stroking over the back of Hyungwon’s hand that held onto him desperately.

"Please," the tall boy whispered while keeping his eyes shut. "I can't do it alone, Hoseok."

Was it similar to the time he had gotten the handsome prince his Americano? Was it because there were people? Hoseok didn’t give a single shit and it must have been hell to always think about what others thought.

_ You have been suffering your whole worthless life only because you think about the people you love. What would it be like if you had to care about other people’s opinion? Oh god. _

“Okay, I’m your friend, right? I won’t fuck you over, Hyungwon. So, listen up. We are going to go in there holding hands and then you will give the nice man with the ugly moustache your paper. You can say: ‘it’s the proof of my insurance’ or you can just give it to him without a comment, or I can fold it into a paper plane and let it fly to his table, as you like.” Grinning, Hoseok lifted the big palm to his lips and placed a brief kiss on top of it, earning some gazes from students, but it could’ve been because of all kinds of things, so he didn’t bother thinking about it for longer than a second.

Hyungwon didn't reply, but the boy nodded again. Whether he agreed to all of Hoseok's crazy ideas wasn't clear, but his newly found friend definitely agreed to follow him wherever he decided to go.

_ Again, he trusts you. Oh god. _

Hoseok didn’t know what to do with that information, but the piece of paper needed to be delivered, so he grabbed the boy’s hand tighter and walked through the glass door. He paid attention to not walk too fast and immediately recognized the nice man who looked at him with wide eyes, probably remembering his beaten up face.

“I have a new face now,” he commented when they arrived at the broad desk. Of course the older man had no fucking idea what he was talking about, so he decided it was a better strategy to get to the point. “The proof of insurance, you take those, right?” He must have said something comprehensible for once, so the moustache nodded, still staring at his face as if he was traumatized. “My friend brought his.” Hoseok turned to the black-haired man and squeezed his hand once. “You can give it to him. He will take care of it.”

Hyungwon had his eyes opened but stared at his feet at first, clutching the piece of paper and putting it on the counter in front of them. The tall boy didn't say a word, even after looking up and merely focused on something arbitrary. It might have been air. He looked a little bored, but Hoseok doubted that was the case.

“Okay. That will be enough for now, but don’t forget to bring the proof that your parents paid the tuition because we need to have it in paper form for our files.” Glancing at the document, the moustache man put it on a stack and looked up at him this time. “Are you okay? Did you go to the place I told you about last time?”

_ Ah, the Child Protection Services. They have worse cases to take care of. _

“Nope. I’m not a child anymore. But on the bright side, I also don’t live at home anymore, so I’m having the best time,” he replied with fake enthusiasm and brushed his hair back with a winning grin. “I’m very positive that I’ll have the tuition by next week, so look forward to my visit.” Hoseok tugged at the boy’s hand and turned around, pulling him along as he left the office.

Hyungwon tagged along, a little bit like those Kindergarten groups that Hoseok saw sometimes, holding hands as they crossed the street. His roommate didn't have his eyes closed anymore, as if the worst was over and he could dare to look at his surroundings.

"Thank you, Hoseok," he heard behind him, quiet but still audible.

He smiled as he turned around, meaning every twitch of his facial muscles. It felt good to be of any help and even be thanked. Crazy, how Hyungwon managed to give him so many first times and all of them were pleasant. “It’s the least a friend can do, am I right? So… would you like coffee, or would you prefer going home?”

His roommate hesitated to answer before suddenly pulling out his wallet and holding out his student card.

"We can… go for coffee, but-" He glanced around and seemed embarrassed, chewing on his cheek. "Could you… get it for me?" 

“Let’s get it together. I never knew that hand-holding was this nice, so I’m going to use the moment and enjoy it to the fullest. If you are okay with it.” Suddenly he felt shy because it was kind of selfish to just use the fact that his roommate didn’t feel competent enough to get a coffee for his own satisfaction. “But I can also get it for you, of course.”

"Let's… let's go together," Hyungwon murmured and closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. The tall boy was so handsome, lips red from chewing them constantly and big brown eyes only looking at Hoseok as if he was the best choice all around. "Somehow it's easier when you are next to me. Even holding hands is."

_ How is he not embarrassed next to you? _

“It’s funny how usually it’s the other way around. People are usually embarrassed to know me, but you don’t look at others, only at me. You held my hand and you are so beautiful too with your big eyes that look like that big tree in the university garden where I like to sit when I’m sad. The color is the same and it also makes me feel better.” Why couldn’t he shut up and get coffee? It was a mystery.

_ At least you didn’t kiss him in public. You are doing amazing considering your standards. _

Suddenly Hyungwon smiled, slim cheeks becoming puffy as he showed his pearl white teeth, looking at him intently.

"That tree is my favourite tree," the black-haired boy muttered and wrapped his index finger around Hoseok's like a ring.

“Oh my god!” he exclaimed before realizing that there was no way his roommate knew what tree he was talking about. “That’s extremely romantic and I don’t want to ruin this precious moment, but how do you know which tree I mean?”

"Isn't it… the one where you sit and listen to music? The one close to the medical faculty?" Hyungwon replied quietly until his eyes suddenly turned into saucepans and he kept opening his mouth only to close it again. "I- I wasn't watching you, I only saw you once, after a lecture." 

_ He did watch you. _

"That's the tree, but my earphones broke before I came to your apartment. I see.” The knowledge that the black-haired boy must have observed him before painted a smile on his face. It felt really nice that someone was interested enough to look at him without making fun of what he was wearing or what kind of stupid shit he did.

"I… have some lying around at home, would you like them? I don't use them, so they just… lie there." Hyungwon glanced at the ground again, still holding his student ID that Hoseok hadn't accepted because he got distracted.

“Thank you for looking at me, without me forcing you to,” he whispered and took the card, curling his fingers around the boy’s wrist and walking towards the student cafe.

Hyungwon followed, but didn't say anything else, peacefully holding onto him like a ring that was safely wrapped around his index finger. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 21st of October at 2 PM CET.  
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_ You can't do the most basic things, but he accepts it as if it's something normal. _

Hyungwon's heart was hammering in his chest, but again it wasn't the bad type, it was the way it beat when he was excited, looking forward to something. Hoseok's index finger was soft where he wrapped his own finger around it and following the pink-haired boy wherever he wanted to go seemed so easy.

_ It's like you can do it if he's next to you. _

That wasn't quite true because Hoseok was the one doing the talking, but at least that was how it felt to him. Usually Hyungwon would have been terrified, scared by all the looks that students were throwing him from the window sills they were sitting on or the walls they leaned against. Right now, with Hoseok leading the way, it seemed like he didn't need to look in the first place. He was able to focus on the outline of broad shoulders instead, on the bright hair that was so easy to find in the crowd, on the smile that seemed omnipresent on those curved lips.

_ He's like the sunshine, isn't he? _

The thought was embarrassing and Hyungwon was grateful that there was no way to read thoughts yet.

Hoseok was determined, walking towards the counter before stopping a few meters before reaching his destination.

“Oh, is that you, Hoseok?” a low voice said next to them before he lifted his gaze and saw a guy, short, with black hair and dressed similarly to him. The dude glanced at him briefly, before looking back at Hoseok and reaching out to hold onto his roommate's arm, completely ignoring that Hyungwon was holding onto the boy’s hand. Or maybe not seeing it, he couldn’t tell.

_ Maybe that's better, then you don't have to talk. _

“Oh… hi,” Hoseok murmured, cheerfulness disappearing from the familiar voice. There was an awkward silence and Hyungwon would have died if this conversation had involved him, but both men didn’t seem to care. He glanced up carefully, watching how Hoseok stared at the other man’s face, but he couldn’t see his roommate's expression.

_ Is he upset about the guy or about being seen with you? _

“I heard you got kicked out? I was expecting to see you on my porch two weeks ago, but you didn’t come. Not that I was sad or anything, just surprised, but I have to say that I miss having you in my bed.” The dude laughed, before looking at him. Hyungwon barely managed to inhale with the sudden attention. “Or did you find someone else? His ass might be nice, but that’s about it,” the guy commented towards him and brushed a pink lock behind Hoseok’s ear. “See you when you have nowhere to go,” the man commented quietly, probably only for Hoseok to hear before disappearing again.

_ What the hell is going on? _

As if sensing that something was off, his anxiety returned to the surface, reminding him how helpless he was in case there was a confrontation and how silent he was no matter what another person said to his friend.

_ You're no help at all. _

There was nothing, not even a single word before the pink-haired man in front of him simply kept walking on until he arrived at the counter and cheerfully ordered an iced Americano and a frozen latte, paying with his card and reaching behind to stuff it into the pocket of Hyungwon’s tight jeans.

“Should we go somewhere where there are no people? That would be better, right?” Hoseok asked, smile bright as always and pulling him towards the other part of the counter where they gave out the drinks.

_ Does he not care about what the guy said? How can he remain so cheerful? _

Hyungwon only nodded, because he didn't know what to say, not in front of other people and not in general. Whatever just happened ruined the moment, returning Hyungwon back into his vulnerable skin that wasn't able to do the most basic things.

_ Like stand up for your friend. _

“Okay! I would suggest to go home, but I can’t because I have to work in a bit. I can definitely take you half of the way and then come back. Deal?” Beaming like the sun, the pink-haired boy put the iced coffee into his hand and took his own drink, before pulling him out the door.

Hyungwon wanted to say something, suggest that they could go to the big tree instead, or just hide somewhere far away from other people's gazes, but he couldn't bring the words past his lips. Instead he followed the pink-haired boy, hands still intertwined and hated himself for being unable to do something. His thoughts were a mess, but the longer he thought about the encounter, the clearer it was who that man was, joking about being close to Hoseok and that he was only good for his ass.

_ It's the guy who forced himself on him. _

The scariest part had been the confidence with which the terrible guy assumed Hoseok was going to return to him, that he only needed to be desperate enough.

_ No desperation should be enough to go to a person like that, a place where he only got hurt. _

"I want to make you happy," he whispered and partially hoped that Hoseok didn't hear, lips trembling and voice lower than it usually was. The pink-haired man could probably tell how nervous he was. 

“Ah, is it because of just now? Don’t worry, I’m good.” The handsome boy made an ‘okay’ sign with his right hand before drawing circles with his arm as if it was part of some dancing choreography and blew him a kiss. “I’m happy,” Hoseok said before turning around and walking ahead.

Hyungwon shook his head, but Hoseok probably couldn't see. He had to talk.

"N-no," he muttered and squeezed the warm palm once. "I want to make you happy in general. You are so beautiful when you smile. I- I missed you over the past few days, but I'm being greedy. You must be so busy."

His speech was rewarded with Hoseok’s attention as the pink head turned and the boy continued walking backwards while still holding onto his hand.

“I’m sorry. I slept on the couch because I didn’t want to wake you up. I'm a little busy right now because the tuition for the next term is due so I’m working all the extra hours I can get. Unfortunately there are only 24 hours in a day and the cafe closes at midnight.”

_ You can't even pay it for him because you're unable to go to the fucking administration. _

"You- you don't have to worry about waking me up. The right side is yours now. To me… to me you belong there, so please just come in when you get home. I'm not a light sleeper." Hyungwon didn't look up while talking. If he focused on their feet or the boy's chest, he could imagine that they were alone somewhere and not crossing a street while holding hands. The thought that other people were watching them scared him so much. "Can I help you somehow? I could… I could pay your tuition now and you give me the money later if you like."

The way Hoseok’s eyes widened could only mean that he had made a huge mistake.

“No, no- no- no fucking way are you paying my tuition for me, oh god. I almost have it together, just- i just need to work a few more days. I’m Iron Man.” A grin spread the boy’s pale cheeks as he tried to act out Iron Man while walking backwards. Of course it was bound to happen, but he wasn’t prepared for the other man to trip and land on the grass, pulling him along by the grip on his hand. The fall against Hoseok’s muscular chest pressed all the air out of his lungs and he hit his lips against the boy’s chin. 

“Fuck, oh god, I’m so sorry, are you okay?” Hoseok asked, holding him in his arms like in some sappy romantic movie, just with shit loads of people around them.

Hyungwon should have expected it, he really should have. After all, everything was just going too smoothly to be an excerpt from his life. 

Not even a second was necessary for him to glance to the side, to see the first chuckle, amusement on people's faces as his breaths became ragged and he struggled to get air, feeling like he was suffocating right there, on the grass. His chest burned and he couldn't feel the left side of his body, head ripping apart from lack of oxygen and fear that he was dying. He must be dying, right there in front of everybody who wanted to see and make fun of him.

He couldn't move, not at all, so he merely curled up, breathing heavily and waiting for it to be over, for the pain in his head and his chest to fade and for air to finally enter his lungs.

_ They're all going to see and make fun of you. Hoseok will think you are fucked in the head, of course he will. Who reacts like that in public? _

Suddenly, he felt warm. Too warm. Hoseok was wrapping around him from the back in the same way he curled up, soft breaths tickling his ear and grip so tight that it seemed as if he was choking.

“Do you know that humans can survive on grass, if they have nothing to eat? Like cows?” the low voice asked, steady and pleasant.

_ What? _

Hyungwon didn't know what was going on, squeezing his eyes shut and wondering how he could tell that he was being embraced if his left side was numb. It couldn't have been that numb.

_ Because you only think you're dying, you always think that. _

The realization was the first step as he kept his eyes closed and tried to focus on what was around him, the grass against his palm, the warmth of the other man's body, the low voice in his ear. All of these he could focus on to try to blend everything else out.

_ It's just Hoseok, Hoseok is hugging you and telling you something. You have to listen, it's important. _

Instead of words there was a melody sung by a clear, almost angel-like voice. It was beautiful but also somehow familiar, as if he had heard it before.

Hyungwon listened, trying not to focus too much on his breaths as oxygen finally entered his lungs and his muscles relaxed, only leaving the pain of overexertion. The melody was so beautiful that he tried to hear it better, tilting his head back to be closer to the source. A few moments passed before the voice quieted down and the familiar low one returned. “If you sing you can’t think. Not really, so it’s nice.” A hot sensation of lips against the sensitive spot under his ear followed, before the grip on his body loosened completely.

"Don't go," Hyungwon whispered desperately until he realised how selfish it was, asking for another person to shield him from the outside only because he had a panic attack. "I'm sorry, I wish I wasn't like this. You probably wanted a- a normal friend."

“I’m fucked in the head. I didn’t even know I could have a friend apart from Jooheon,” Hoseok whispered before pulling him into an embrace, one hand sinking into his hair as they lay on the grass, hugging.

"I wish I was invisible sometimes, then nobody could see me." Hyungwon liked the image so much, the knowledge that he could be where everybody was, but without their attention. Like an atom, too small to be seen. "Nobody but you. It's okay if you see me."

Hoseok laughed loudly, not caring about the fact that they were rolling on the grass like idiots. “To be honest that would fit my image. Holding hands with an invisible person, kissing them and giving compliments on how beautiful they are.”

Hyungwon smiled at the idea, keeping his eyes closed and leaning in to smell Hoseok's skin. It still smelled like the rose products his mother had left in the shower and he loved how well it suited his only friend. One might have thought it was meant for him, just like strawberries and children's bubble gum.

"You're my strawberry," he muttered before he felt terribly embarrassed for saying it, freezing in place and waiting for the repercussions that were definitely going to happen. 

"Didn't you want to eat them from my naked body, or something similarly awesome? Or did I dream that? That was a dream right? Still, no regrets." Hoseok giggled and placed a kiss against his forehead.

_ Oh god, he remembers. But he also called it awesome. _

"You… didn't dream that. I'm just too scared to shop for strawberries and to ask. I don't want to pressure you, you're my friend and it's a little weird, isn't it?"

_ Your friendship is more than weird, but so are you, so it's way more than you ever hoped for. _

"Huh? But it was friends with benefits, or did I misunderstand? If it's just friends who make out, then it's also okay. But just friends is also good? I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but if I didn't, strawberries better appear on my next shopping list." The pink-haired boy talked without a break before sitting up and taking him along.

Hyungwon stared at a few grass stalks and was grateful that the other man was so distracting, easily taking his attention away from everything else. He couldn't help but wish the boy could also take everything's attention away from him.

_ He easily added being close to your friendship, without a second thought. Is it really that simple? _

"I find you really attractive, ridiculously attractive, but I didn't want you to think that you have to be close to me or something. I thought… if you want to then it happens and if you don't then we're just friends? I didn't want to burden you or force myself on you." It was embarrassing to talk about that after Hyungwon made all those noises and covered the boy's face in his release, but he still felt that way.

"So you think that I'm pretty, but you don't want to force me to have sex with you? That's really nice of you. You're super nice in general, I don't know how I ended up meeting you out of all people." The boy smiled at him, removing a piece of grass and a leaf from his hair. "I enjoy touching you, if that's what you mean. I kind of assumed that the touching was there before you suggested being friends, so I thought it would add up. But whatever you like, I'll give it all if I have it."

_ You must look like a tree, all covered in grass and leaves while he thinks that you having common sense is exceptionally nice. _

"But… do you want to? Do you want to be friends with benefits, independent of what I want? Would you… miss touching me?" Hyungwon hated asking such questions because it sounded emotional, like there was a lot of attachment to the sexual bits and a voice in his head told him that was what his father meant by 'being a sissy'.

The pink-haired boy looked thoughtful, playing with his lip piercing before focusing his gaze on him with an intensity he hadn't seen before. The dark eyes jumped from his thighs to his waist and chest, travelled up his neck and couldn't decide between his eyes and lips, searching for the better target. "What does that make me if I miss everything about you?" 

Hyungwon lifted his gaze to stare back, to bear the dark eyes and whatever the look entailed. It felt intimate, much more so than kissing had, than touching had in the privacy of his bedroom. There was something to the way Hoseok looked at him and he simply couldn't put it into words, explain it sufficiently.

"The same," he whispered and met those black eyes, "because I also miss everything about you."

_ Because he gives you everything without a second thought _.

"That means that the strawberries are on the list," Hoseok whispered with a shy smile and jumped up, taking him along and helping him to clean his jeans and expensive leather jacket from grass and leaves. "Will you get home okay by yourself, or should I come along? I can call and say that I'll be at work a little later."

Hyungwon shook his head even though he would have loved to say yes. Hoseok had already told him that he needed to make enough money for his tuition and Hyungwon understood that the cheerful man in front of him wasn't going to accept his help, not without doing anything in return.

_ He'll never think that walking you home is enough for his tuition. _

"It's fine," he whispered and took a few calming breaths, remembering that he could take the inconspicuous way home, the one nobody ever wanted to take. "Will I… see you at home?"

"If you're not asleep. I will still try to let you sleep if you are, even though I like your voice and your big eyes. Now, I need to make a lot of coffee to hurry back home to you, my prince handsome." Spreading his arms, Hoseok stepped forward and hugged him tightly, before turning around and jumping backwards as if he didn't just fall on his back because of exactly that.

Hyungwon watched him, unwilling to look away and attempted to get his fill of cheerful Hoseok. He wanted to have so much of it, that he could carry it along with him wherever he was, at lectures and at home on his own.

The further away the pink head ran, the more Hyungwon wondered if this was really what a friendship felt like. Was there supposed to be so much dependency? Did he expect too much of Hoseok, because he couldn't do things on his own?

_ He's not your possession and he won't be there just because you want him to be. _

Until now Hoseok was the only one that he couldn’t have for himself, who didn't just magically appear in his hands when he really wanted him to.

_

The clock above his door slowly showed past midnight and Hyungwon glanced away in the hope that the hands were going to move faster if only he didn't watch them. It seemed reasonable, after all, Hyungwon also felt reluctant to do anything when he was watched.

_ Actually you should be asleep. _

He should have been, but he couldn't. Maybe a week or two ago he might have been able to. He 'd have thought of the mistakes of the day before finally fading into dreamland and preparing himself for the mistakes of the next day. Now there was no dreamland in sight, only his thoughts that kept circling around the same person.

Was that the confirmation of how easily people got used to friendship? So quickly that a bed that was perfectly fine before suddenly felt too big and empty, cold even without a warm body wrapping around him like a pillow. The apartment had been spacious before, but now it seemed hollow without pink hair in the kitchen, without cooking noises, or the scent of detergent because Hoseok washed his clothes by hand again. There were so many additional things that regularly happened around him that Hyungwon found himself missing them, feeling incomplete without them. Without Hoseok around.

_ Are you desperate for company or is it because it's him? _

Hyungwon couldn't tell, he never could with Hoseok. The pink-haired boy was so special in many ways that he couldn't pull apart the aspects of his character that made Hyungwon want to be helped and the aspects that made him want to be close. He couldn't even tell whether those were distinct or the same entity with different effects.

_ You miss him so much, as if you're home sick but not for a place, but a person. _

He glanced towards the hands of the clock again, but only two minutes had passed, no more. The unpacked headphones were lying right next to the packed phone on Hoseok's night table. Hyungwon didn't want to make it obvious that the headphones were new, so he removed the packaging and pretended that he’d had them the whole time.

_ Because you're hoping that he will accept it. _

Hoseok was still a mystery to him, not understanding that all these things, money, phones, weren't of value to him, not really. Hyungwon had never had to worry about money, but he constantly worried about making mistakes, about being disliked.

_ Now you constantly worry about him, wondering if he's doing fine, if he's exhausted, if he's sleeping on the couch just for you. _

He still couldn't forget the way Hoseok had embraced him on the way home, as if he hadn't been terrified of him and the way he reacted. The pink-haired sunshine had seemed unfazed, as if he wanted to help and there was nothing weird about him.

_ Don't you dare be a sissy. _

He bit down on his bottom lip and stared at the ceiling when he suddenly heard a key entering the lock and opening it from the outside.

_ It's him. _

The boy's steps were barely audible as they moved past the bedroom and deeper into the apartment. Hyungwon's chest clenched at the thought that Hoseok would sleep on the couch again, even though it was his roommate being considerate towards him.

_ But you want him next to you. _

It was selfish again and Hyungwon wished he had his mind under control, the urges to just wrap himself around Hoseok and keep him for himself, have that gorgeous smile right next to him and feel warm arms curl around his neck.

The sound of the shower ripped him away from his disappointment and left the hope that the pink-haired boy was going to come to him after all. Hyungwon's mind was shamelessly imagining how beautiful Hoseok must look, standing under the shower letting the water pour from the ceiling. He imagined the drops that ran past muscular arms and the boy's firm chest, staying on his tattooed skin. It was shameful, so he lifted the blanket to his face and took a few deep breaths, hoping to abandon his sexualized thoughts.

_ He's exhausted and you're thinking about him that way. _

When the sound of water stopped, so did his breaths, fingers holding onto the edge of the blanket and mind silently begging for Hoseok to come to him, to not leave him alone.

His roommate was so quiet that he didn't hear his steps as the bedroom door opened silently and the broad figure slipped inside. Hyungwon could see well, already accommodated to the darkness and observed Hoseok's muscular body, only hidden by a pair of black trunks that he knew by heart. 

He looked forward to the shift in the mattress, however, it didn't happen. Instead, the pink-haired boy sat on the floor next to the bed and crossed his legs.

_ Why doesn't he come to you? Is he scared? _

The thought was disconcerting, like Hyungwon had done something to make the other man feel that way. He didn't want to be somebody like that. Inhaling softly to not startle Hoseok, he waited, hoping that the pink-haired boy was going to change his mind.

The seconds ticked by, but Hoseok simply sat there, on the bare floor and played with his fingers while chewing on his lips, pink strands hanging into his dark eyes, wet from the shower.

"Why…," Hyungwon began quietly and swallowed because it felt so intrusive to ask, like he forced the boy to join him in the end. "Why don't you join me?" 

The round eyes focused on him as soon as he started taking, as if magically pulled in by his voice.

"You're not asleep? I'm waiting till my hair is dry," the boy replied and ruffled up the wet strands. 

_ He's worried about soaking the sheets? _

Hyungwon couldn't believe that something so meaningless could be what kept the pink-haired boy from wrapping around him the way he wanted him to.

"Why would you be worried about that? The sheets will dry," he whispered and lifted the edge of the blanket, hoping that it was a decent invitation. There was no need to be quiet anymore, but the darkness made it seem wrong to speak with his usual voice. "I… I hoped to see you."

"But it's wet, won't you be disgusted? I can put my towel over my pillow," Hoseok murmured and jumped up, going to his shelf and taking out the light pink towel he gave him when the cheerful boy moved in.

"You don't have to, just come here, Hoseok. There is nothing disgusting about wet hair. It's just water, it dries." Hyungwon observed Hoseok intently, the way he seemed unsure about something as simple as wet hair.

_ He probably didn't blow dry it because he didn't want to wake you up. _

Placing the towel on top of the pillow carefully, Hoseok climbed under the blanket and turned to the side, looking him in the eyes.

"You didn't wait for me, did you? I woke you up, right?"

Hyungwon shook his head, fighting the urge to reach out and pull the boy into his embrace. They were friends, and they agreed to things, but still it seemed wrong to just go ahead and do something, especially now that he was able to halfway express his thoughts.

_ You don't have an excuse to just act anymore. _

"I couldn't fall asleep, you didn't wake me up," he murmured and shifted, meeting those dark eyes and wondering what was going on in Hoseok's head.

"I almost fell asleep in the shower just now, it would've been a mess." The words were accompanied by a soft giggle before Hoseok shifted closer, face only a few centimeters away from him. "You look beautiful," the low voice whispered, lips barely moving.

_ He must be so tired. _

"You too," he replied while silently hating himself for wanting to be close when Hoseok was exhausted, almost falling asleep in the shower. It was so selfish, but he hoped the warmth was at least something the other man needed too. "Do you… do you want to sleep on my chest?"

"Huh? I would squish you. I think I'm about twenty kilograms heavier than you. But… I would love to hug you, if that's okay." Hoseok reached out and brushed his thumb over his lips. 

Hyungwon couldn't resist and kissed it, sensation tingling along his chest and thighs. He hid it, merely nodding softly to show that he wanted to be hugged.

"That's what I meant, I just didn't know how to express it. Last time you wrapped around me and had your head on my chest, I thought… you liked that."

"I need to hug something to sleep well. If it's someone, it's even better. I'm super clingy." The beautiful smile disappeared as the boy's strong arms carefully wrapped around him from the back, pulling him closer against the warm body.

His father would have complained, told him that he shouldn't let himself be embraced like that, but be the one to embrace.

_ But you like it so much. _

He closed his eyes and leaned back, enjoying the heat of Hoseok's chest, the heartbeat he could feel and the warm breaths in his neck. It felt right.

"I… I really want to be that someone," he whispered, admitting it out loud. Now it was out, how much he enjoyed being embraced, being held the way Hoseok held him.

"You are. The only one," the boy added quietly, lips placing a kiss against his neck.

It felt good to hear those words, to remind himself that most of his doubts were inside his head and not obvious to the boy embracing him. Hyungwon wanted it to be true, he wanted to be the only one.

_ Because you're greedy. You're too used to getting what you want, so you're trying to make the one thing you never had yours too. _

"Am I still yours?" he asked, stroking along Hoseok's upper arms and purposefully moving back, feeling the boy's thighs against the back of his own. They were so close.

"Mhm. Even though at this point I would say that I'm more yours." Another kiss burned along his neck with how hot Hoseok's lips seemed. "Do you want to be mine?"

The question was terrifying because it meant so much, it wasn't only an observation or something that the pink-haired boy decided for himself. It was about Hyungwon, Hyungwon and the way he wanted their relationship to be, how much it mattered to him.

He nodded, too afraid to speak and held his breath, waiting for Hoseok's next words, for what was going to happen to him now that he admitted his obsession.

"Then you're mine now," the voice whispered into his ear, arms pulling him closer as the beautiful man covered his shoulder in kisses, soft breaths hitting his skin after each one.

A tremble passed through his body, too obvious to hide and too telling to lie about. Hyungwon remained silent, exhaling slowly and keeping his eyes shut as his body burned with each kiss that Hoseok covered it with. He didn't want to be like that, to respond when the other man was exhausted.

_ But you're his, so maybe it's alright if you burn under his fingertips. _

He could feel every move in the muscular body behind him, how Hoseok's thighs flexed and how his hips moved, the way his hands started roaming his uncovered skin, hot breaths giving out that they weren't that regular anymore.

Hyungwon gasped, too affected by the touches to stay silent, eyes fluttering shut and body moving towards those hot hands, as if he was meant to be touched by them, to fit right between Hoseok's warm palms. Everything about the other man seemed to be molded around him, the firm chest that felt perfect against his back, the smooth hips and thighs that easily fit his behind, strong hands pressing it against the boy's groin and pulling a moan from his lips.

It was unusual for the handsome boy to stay silent, but he did, not saying a single word and talking with his hands instead. His warm fingers rubbed over his nipples, rough exhale hitting his ear until he covered the spot by an open-mouthed kiss right under it, pierced tongue sliding down his neck.

His exhales didn't sound like him anymore, breathy and low even though it was only touching, only the feel of Hoseok's body against his, the boy's arousal pressing against his behind. The mere thought that the other man wanted him made him dizzy, pulling moan after moan from his lips.

One hand was on his nipple, the other one danced along his side before playing with the seam of his underwear and rubbing along his covered erection. The shifts and movements of Hoseok's hips fit to the way his fingers played him, low moan traveling from his ears right to his groin. 

Hyungwon whimpered and buried one of his hands in the sheets while the other one reached for Hoseok's pink hair, tugging at it as he pushed back, brushing his behind over the boy's groin and pulling such a beautiful sound from his lips that he couldn't help copying it, yearning to hear it again. Hoseok felt firm against him, perfectly aligned with the curve of his ass and fitting right in between his cheeks each time Hyungwon pushed back. He had no time to think about how embarrassing it was or how wrong, because it felt so good and Hoseok's response only confirmed his decision. 

The boy's skilled fingers slipped under the fabric of his trunks and curled around his base, stroking him sensually. A few seconds passed before Hoseok rolled his hips into him, timing the movement with that of his hand. The boy let out a gorgeous low moan before finally muffling it as he bit into his shoulder.

Hyungwon whimpered, too loud in the perfectly silent room and couldn't get himself to resist, to not push his hips against the boy's arousal and feel how much it affected him. He wanted to hear more moans in his ear, to know that Hoseok liked his body enough to be unable to help each groan and beautiful sound that left his curved lips.

Hyungwon let go off the sheets and used his right hand to stroke along Hoseok's thigh, arriving at the black underwear and carefully pulling it down, removing the layers between their bodies. He wanted to feel it all, right against his skin.

Hoseok helped him with his own, removing one hand from his chest and pulling down his lace underwear until they both remained completely naked. The warm length pulsated against his cheeks when the firm grip around his erection returned. Kisses turned into bites and licks, pierced tongue easily finding every sensitive spot on his body and caressing it mercilessly. The sounds Hoseok made while rolling his hips once again were heavenly, low, vibrating against his skin and making the boy's hand movements stutter from how good it felt.

Hyungwon closed his eyes and tightened his grip on Hoseok's pink hair as he pushed back with more effort, feeling how the firm, veiny heat slid in between his cheeks and along his crack and made him gasp along with the desperate sounds that left the boy's lips. He loved it, the sounds, the pulsating warmth, the fingers that danced over his erection and made him see stars. All of it felt like a hazy dream, arousing beyond belief and making both of them moan in a way he hadn't heard before. Hyungwon rolled his hips back and basked in each spark of pleasure and stutter in Hoseok's motions, like the feeling was enough to steal the other man's breath away. Like Hyungwon's body was enough to do that on its own.

He felt a twitch as he moved his hips once again, forcing the boy to let out a desperate sound and increase the pace of his hand, fingers tightening around his tip and pushing his release closer. Hoseok seemed different, his motions and the way he moaned, all of it seemed more intense, unusual but at the same time authentic. 

Hyungwon couldn't help but follow the motions, move with more force and moan at the paired feeling of fingers sliding over his tip and heat rubbing over his crack. Hoseok's reaction only aided the feeling as he was barely able to hold back and simply moved by himself, sliding into the tight ring Hoseok's hand created before pushing back against firm heat. White was already clouding his vision when his orgasm hit him with force, pulling a low scream from his lips and sucking all the strength out of his limbs. 

Hoseok continued moving his hips before he felt the muscular body around him flex. A low moan of his name, so attractive and new was followed by the firm length twitching repeatedly, covering his back and ass in the boy's release.

_ Holy shit, what just happened? _

Hyungwon was breathing heavily, still dizzy from the intensity of his orgasm. He could feel the heat on his back and tried to comprehend what had led him to enjoy sliding the boy's dick over his crack repeatedly. No matter how much he thought about it, it wasn't only the boy's voice and reaction that got to him and that was what pulled the air from his lungs the most.

"I… let me clean this up, you can sleep on that side if… if you like," Hoseok's attractive voice pulled him out before the boy let go of him and took the tissue box from the bedside table, wiping over his ass and lower back, before continuing with his dick and stomach.

"No, it's- it's fine, it's just cum," he whispered, feeling embarrassed and yearning to have the boy's arms around him again. That way it felt like everything was still like before. "Will you… embrace me?" 

"I just wanted to ask you if I could…" Silence filled the room and the muscular arms wrapped around him in an already familiar way, pulling him close and letting him listen to the boy's quick breaths.

_ This is okay, isn't it? _

Hyungwon closed his eyes and focused on the heartbeat pulsating against his shoulder blades. For once it was faster than his own, quickly thumping against his skin.

If both of them felt the same, then maybe it wasn't that scary.

***

It was scary. So fucking scary. He lay awake while the boy in his arms slept peacefully, cuddling against his chest and pushing his perky butt against his groin without a second thought.

_ He probably wouldn’t if he was awake, after you covered it in cum. _

Hoseok didn’t know what got to him to change their usual pattern of being close and dry-hump his friend.

_ You dry-humped him and covered his ass in cum. Fuck. What if you don't have a place to live anymore? Tomorrow after he wakes up and remembers everything? Remembers that you used your position to force yourself onto him like that. _

He felt disgusted. So fucking disgusted that saliva started collecting in his mouth, moving the bile in his throat upwards. Hoseok inhaled sharply and held his breath, waiting for the feeling to pass and hoping that he wouldn’t vomit. 

_ You thought that you at least weren’t someone like that, but nope. You’re a whole package. _

The breathing exercises didn’t help and he felt sicker than before. He couldn’t afford vomiting on top of his roommate and his expensive bed, so he carefully slipped out, walking into the kitchen and downing a glass of water. He wondered what was wrong with him. Sure, there were a lot of things, but especially today. Why did he lose it as soon as the boy snuggled against him, expecting to sleep instead of…

_ Forcing yourself onto him after he pitied you for being touched in a similar way and not liking it. Why were you born if you can’t even be a decent person for longer than a week? They should have left you in the hospital and put you on tranquilizers. It’s safer. _

He shook his head and wanted to run somewhere, but the low voice in his head, asking him to stay, didn’t let him. It was so quiet next to the other voices, his parents, teachers, doctors, telling him all those things he knew by heart with how often he heard them. 

_ But still you only want to hear his voice, even though it probably won’t say that anymore. Why would he want you to stay? _

His thoughts were persistent, but his body gave up, crawling on the sheets and trying not to wrap around the gorgeous, elegant body of the handsome man who lay next to him. Tomorrow was another day and he could think about where to go and what to do about his fucked up situation. Tomorrow.

_ Tomorrow. _

_

His stuff was safely stored in his sports bag next to the couch he sat on, dressed and ready to go through the familiar scenario.

_ He will say that he is fucking sick of you and you will say that you understand and will leave. He will laugh because you already packed everything and say that you have more common sense than he thought. Ah, and he will probably want the keys back. The keys. _

His hands trembled as he pulled them out of his jeans pocket, placing them on the coffee table, to not have to prolong the whole thing unnecessarily. There was shuffling coming from the direction of the bedroom and his heart skipped all the beats it could while he waited for the same situation to repeat itself all over again.

_ Why don’t you just leave? _

Because he only left when others told him to, hoping that they might still reconsider.

The bedroom door opened and Hyungwon's long and messy hair appeared, followed by the boy's slim body, only dressed in underwear. Brown eyes settled on him and not even a second passed before Hyungwon suddenly started raking his hands through his hair, furiously attempting to flatten it against his scalp.

"Good- good morning," the low voice stuttered before Hyungwon gestured towards the kitchen, hands holding onto the door frame. "Have you… eaten?" 

_ Huh? _

Hoseok opened his mouth, ready to reply that he was going to leave, but it was not an appropriate reply to the boy’s question. He got confused. Why would Hyungwon care whether he had eaten yet?

“I… no,” he muttered and couldn’t help staring at the gorgeous figure. The tall man was extremely attractive, his body shape and…

_ You are so quick to forget everything that you’ve done wrong and calm yourself with selfish thoughts. _

"Since… since you haven’t left for university yet, do you think…" Hyungwon stopped talking and closed his eyes, pressing his slim body closer to the door frame. "Do you think we could… eat together? It's fine if you don’t want to, I totally understand that you are very busy and need to work and- yeah." 

It didn’t make sense. Maybe he simply blacked out on the couch and dreamt a nicer version of his life, with a person who actually cared whether he had any food intake and didn’t tell him to fuck off after he had made a selfish mistake.

_ It can’t be true. _

“Why aren’t you telling me to leave?” he asked straight out, shifting closer to the edge of the couch.

"W-what?" Hyungwon's eyes widened and a sudden tremble passed through the boy's limbs as if he obviously wanted to come closer, but stayed attached to the door frame. "You- you want to leave? Is it because of me? Because I liked it so much? I- fuck, I don't know why I reacted like that. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

The black-haired boy squeezed his eyes shut and began taking deep breaths, fingers almost white from the strength he used to hold on to the dark wood.

_ What? What is happening? _

Hoseok jumped up and walked over to the handsome boy, trying to catch his gaze to make sure he wasn’t making fun of him before still telling him to fuck off, but somehow it didn’t seem very likely from what he had seen of his attractive roommate.

“I don’t want to leave. I’m a clingy bastard and I was hoping that you would reconsider, that I could still stay after behaving like that yesterday. I’m… I don’t know why I… No, actually I do know, I’m kind of… trash, I guess? Not that you didn’t know, but I really hoped I could be a decent human being with you. I did, I… ah fuck, Hoseok you dumbfuck.” He buried his face in both palms and shook his head at himself, hoping to get dizzy and faint.

Hyungwon's eyes remained closed as the black-haired boy still kept inhaling sharply and holding onto the door. When the other man exhaled roughly through his nose it caught Hoseok sufficiently off guard to glance up.

"I don't want you to leave," Hyungwon whispered and Hoseok could see his lips trembling. "I really- really don't want you to leave. It would be... the- the most terrible thing for me if you left right now," the low voice muttered as the grip of the boy's fingers on the door frame only tightened.

“You don’t? I don’t want to leave either, I understand that I should and everything, but I don’t want to. I want to stay here with you.” He sunk down to the floor and curled his arms around the boy’s long legs, looking up like the most pathetic person ever.

_ But that’s what you are, so you might as well act like it. _

“I’m so sorry for everything,” he whispered, hiding his face in the space between Hyungwon’s warm thighs.

A few seconds passed during which the other boy simply stood frozen in his embrace, until he suddenly sank to the floor and wrapped his slim arms around his neck, shaking his head furiously.

"What are you even sorry for, Hoseok? I thought I was the scary one, the one who- who kept pushing against you so that you would continue. I thought you were freaked out by me and not the other way around. I- I don't know why I reacted like that and I couldn't even recognise my own voice." Hyungwon spoke quickly, only pausing to release a shaky breath that tickled Hoseok's neck. "I thought you left this morning because I'm such a fucking wimp."

_ Oh god. _

“I escaped because I was too scared to accidentally touch you while I was sleeping, Hyungwon. You’re not a wimp, you are the most beautiful creature that I was ever allowed to touch and be next to. I’ve never been allowed to get so close to someone as stunning and precious as you before, ever. You allowed me to live with you and talk to you and kiss you… I… I know it’s not my place and that I should return to a life where I belong, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to go. I want you.” He whispered the last words, feeling even more disgusted with himself. Not because he felt like it, but because he felt the need to say it out loud. Hyungwon talked about friendship, but he simply stated that he wanted him after what happened yesterday that was in no way agreed on beforehand.

"I want you too," Hyungwon replied quietly and pressed his plump lips against Hoseok's neck, keeping them there for a little longer than was usual for a brief kiss. "I think you are the person that belongs to me most in my life out of everybody that I’ve met up until now. How can you think that I'm so precious if I'm the weird one? I mean- who likes having a dick rub over their ass? My dad- he would be furious if he knew."

_ Huh? Why would that be weird? _

“It’s not weird to like it. I know quite a few people who do, they like to switch or they just like the dick in the ass part, so I thought it was the rule. But I don’t seem to belong no matter whether it’s society or the gay community.” Sighing, he grabbed the boy’s face and lifted it from his neck, staring into the big eyes. “No matter what, Hyungwon, just remember, you are definitely not the problem here.”

"But- I thought it was normal that you don't really like gay sex because- well because you are manly." Hyungwon blinked a few times but held his gaze. "It suits you and- god, I don't know how to explain it. I… shouldn't be a person who likes it? I'm not particularly feminine or anything and I know way too much about football. My dad would be so angry, God."

Hoseok had, by god, no fucking idea what the other man was talking about, so he tried a different route.

“So, can you please explain why one needs to be feminine to like anal? Because it’s kind of ridiculous. Apart from it not having anything to do with how someone acts or looks, I know a super buff dude, he’s like a head taller than me and can knock me out with his huge biceps, they’re bigger than your head, I swear. He likes anal so much, he told me that I should try it because it’s the best. The reason why I don’t like it, is… I… don’t like the slide? It hurts. I guess I’m overly sensitive which leads me back to my point. I’m super sensitive and clingy and I love cuddling and I am sitting here and holding onto your legs hoping that you won’t kick me out and I have absolutely no shame and don’t feel as if it’s something to be ashamed of. Only the… well… the fact that I can’t shut the fuck up and keep making you uncomfortable about my situation and just… just touched you in a way we didn’t agree on.” Hoseok sighed into the handsome face before placing a kiss on the boy’s lips, hoping that it was okay.

Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut before leaning in and initiating another kiss. The boy kept their lips connected for a little longer before leaning back and chewing on his cheek.

"We… we never really talked about what sexual things we want to do and what we’d rather not, so… there wasn't a boundary you crossed, was there? You didn't do anything that I didn't like and… what you did yesterday…" Hyungwon swallowed and stared at Hoseok's chest. "That felt really- really good."

“I hate myself because I liked it so much,” he shot out, eyes widening and fingers burying themselves in the boy’s bony shoulders.

"Me too," Hyungwon whispered back and chuckled suddenly. "We don't make sense, do we?" 

“It’s not that I don’t like butt stuff at all. I do like plugs, it feels super nice when you jerk off, but I never had a proper place to shower and everything, so I couldn’t experiment with it much. I would like to though. At some point. It’s not an invitation or anything, it was just a conclusion for myself. I… your butt… I really like it,” he muttered helplessly because there was literally nothing else inside his brain besides that one sentence.

Hyungwon nodded softly as color spread over his cheeks and he nibbled on his plump bottom lip, only making it redder.

"Well, if- if you want me to participate, I'd- I'd love to. I'm not very familiar with butt stuff because, how should I put it- it seemed kinda wrong to me? I mean, I did rub over my crack and stuff and imagined things, but never really- committed if you know what I mean." The boy's voice kept getting more and more quiet as he fumbled with Hoseok's shirt for no reason.

_ Stop imagining things. _

“I’m kinda dumb, because I did put my fingers in, but in the end just pressed down where it felt nice and jerked off. I should have known back then, but oh well. I can still take it for you if you like. I bet it’s not as bad because you are nice to me.” Smiling brightly, he got up and pulled the handsome boy along, pointing in the direction of the kitchen. “I know it’s a weird topic change from butt stuff to food, but I think it would be a good idea to get some nutrients, I haven’t eaten for a long time. On the other hand, one can also eat ass, so there’s that.”

Hyungwon stared at him for a few moments before laughing suddenly, big hand lifting up to cover his huge mouth. The boy's eyes turned into crescents and it was difficult to look away because he looked so beautiful.

"You're kinda funny, Hoseok. It makes me happy," his roommate commented before nodding softly. "Let's eat something, I… really like it when you cook."

“And I really like you,” he muttered, overwhelmed by the authenticity and how stunning his roommate looked with a smile on his face. He wanted to see it all the time. For as long as he was able to.  


_

Hoseok felt like fainting and ascending to heaven as he turned the key in the keyhole and opened the door, stepping into the apartment earlier than midnight. It was the last day and he successfully transferred the tuition money for the next term. Sure, he had to get some from Jooheon that he had to pay back, but it wasn’t as bad and he felt like crying and laughing simultaneously. The fingers of his right hand curled around a bottle that he carried in front of his face like a trophy. It was a fucking trophy. He had to work a whole day to be able to buy it.

“I’m home and I even brought something for us,” he exclaimed, slipping out of his shoes and walking into the living room. His hand hurt from holding onto the bottle, scared to break it. It was the most valuable thing apart from the still packed mobile phone and the headphones on his side of the bed.

_ It’s the least fucking thing you can do. _

Hyungwon appeared from the bedroom, the place he seemed to spend the most time in. Interestingly, there was a pair of glasses on his nose with big, round lenses that he quickly removed and stuffed into the pocket of his jeans. The black-haired boy didn't comment on his announcement, but he smiled.

“You have glasses? Oh my god, what a kink!” he exclaimed before being able to control his stupid mouth that curved in all kinds of directions and simply talked without him meaning to. “Forget I said that, but also booze!” Hoseok held the bottle in front of the boy’s face. “It’s not as expensive as you, but I worked the whole day and bought it only for you and me. To share.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he stepped closer, glancing at the bottle in Hoseok's hands.

"It's basically holy if it was bought with your effort," the black-haired boy commented and made funny movements with his fingers close to the bottle, as if it had an aura. "Also… why are glasses a kink? It's super nerdy cause they are huge, I- I only wear them for studying."

“Please also wear them when I fuck your slit,” Hoseok murmured in reply, before realising how suggestive that sounded. “If you like. Also people with glasses look smart, so if you are wearing glasses while I’m with you it means that a smart person likes me, which is ridiculous and unrealistic, which is the reason for my kink. You look hot.”

Hyungwon simply stared and decided to chew on his cheek instead of commenting on Hoseok's kinks, but his roommate definitely didn't look revolted, rather intrigued.

"Do you… want to drink the bottle now? I can get glasses," Hyungwon muttered before his eyes widened again. "The ones for drinking I mean."

He wouldn’t be Hoseok if he didn’t stick out his pierced tongue and made suggestive movements, licking the bottle top before winking and nodding at the boy. “Sure. Let’s drink it.”

Hyungwon turned around as quickly as he was able to, hurrying to the kitchen, but Hoseok definitely heard him mutter 'holy shit'. His roommate reappeared with two super fancy looking champagne glasses, looking hot in his tight pants, naked feet and loose t-shirt that rode down one of his shoulders.

“I am not sure that I should feel like this while looking at a friend,” he murmured and ripped the golden paper from the top, shaking his head at how incredibly hot Hyungwon looked and how affected he was by that fact alone. Handing the bottle to the black-haired boy, Hoseok pressed both palms against his ears. “I’m scared, please open it.”

Hyungwon only nodded at him before moving over to the sink and carefully pulling the cork out until it began moving by itself and the tall boy held it in place with force, letting the extra air escape before he was able to remove the cork completely. He hadn't spilled a single drop.

“Whoah, being a prince is indeed a skill, holy shit, step on me, mister.” Hoseok took one of the glasses and stepped closer, wiggling his eyebrows and waiting for the gorgeous boy to fill his glass.

"Why do you keep thinking I'm a prince? I'm just a regular dude," Hyungwon muttered as he filled both glasses, a smile dancing over his lips after Hoseok's comment. "A dude that’s opened way too many champagne bottles."

“You are not a dude, you are my dude and I’m your bunny. I’ve never opened a Champagne bottle. It’s too expensive and I’m terrified of loud noises.” Brushing back his hair, he lifted the glass to his face and sucked in a deep breath, almost choking because the fizzle got up his nose.

Hyungwon smiled at his antics before lifting his own glass and clinking it with Hoseok's. The sound was beautiful, like a small bell that rang through the whole apartment.

"Then I'll be opening all the bottles from now on and you'll just have to keep me," his roommate replied and took a sip from his glass, looking all sophisticated with half-closed eyes and equal distance between his fingers. Hoseok watched him before trying it out and downing his glass because he was too impatient and didn’t feel sophisticated at all. Jumping up on the counter, he poured himself another glass and observed the stunning tall man next to him.

“Whoah, you really are a prince, aren’t you? Do you know those books that they sell to girls to keep them down low in their place, the ones about piss poor women who meet some creepy sugar daddy and suddenly think they’ve won at life? That’s how I feel. Like a pink-haired Cinderella.”

"Huh?" Hyungwon finished drinking half of his glass and placed it on the counter next to Hoseok's hips before looking up. "Well, my mom would have never agreed with that because she thinks a good woman's gotta have a proper education. Also, isn't it terrible to constantly think you can't do anything on your own? If there were really sugar daddies they should pay for education. Do you feel like I am keeping you low?"

The way he laughed must have freaked the tall boy out, but it was too funny.

“Ahaha, what? If there’s a ladder standing on the floor and you are sitting at the top and looking down then I’m in the basement by myself. That’s why I was so surprised you could even see me. I don’t need you to keep me low, I can do that all by myself.” Hoseok winked and took his glass, taking a sip while trying to look elegant.

"You don't seem low to me, rather the opposite. You're the fucking sun," Hyungwon muttered and brushed through his long hair. "I also feel low, but it doesn't have anything to do with how much money I have because it's a feeling."

_ Yeah. Feelings don’t care about how much stuff you have, do they? You’re drinking Champagne, but it doesn’t help in making you feel worthy. _

“I understand that well. Not the sun part, the part with the feelings. In conclusion, I feel honored being allowed next to you, your attractiveness.” Hoseok beamed and took the bottle, drinking from the neck because he had no patience and no manners whatsoever.

Hyungwon only nodded and carefully pulled himself up on the counter next to him, grabbing his glass to avoid accidentally tipping it over.

"You know, for me, it's like I'm a banana," the black-haired boy began until he groaned and massaged his temples. "God, this sounds so stupid. But- there is a thick peel, you know? I feel like I'm hiding behind it, I'm hiding behind it so much that I'm afraid to remove it because there is no way that I won't slip on it and ruin all the softness that's inside."

“I want to remove the peel and kiss everything that is under it,” he concluded for himself. “I really like softness, it’s tender and doesn’t hurt.”

"You… make it easier for me to remove it somehow. Usually, I'm so scared to talk to people, but it's easier to talk to you." Hyungwon glanced up and emptied his glass of champagne before holding his hand in front of his lips because he probably wanted to burp from all that fizz. Hoseok heard a bit of noise, but the black-haired boy didn't look up afterward, burying his fingers in his thighs.

“You need someone who teaches you how to burp. This is confinement of your basic human needs,” Hoseok exclaimed and gathered the air in his body before burping the boy’s name. “See? It feels really good and distracts me from the way your thighs look.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened as he looked up, carefully removing his fingers from his thighs before spreading them a little.

"My mother would disown me, holy shit," he muttered before laughing suddenly. "There seems to be nothing you are afraid of. This is so crazy that I can't believe it. I really wish I was you, Hoseok."

“You don’t. I don’t want you to be me. You don’t deserve this. I am not really afraid, just expecting the things I’ve already experienced to happen again and it doesn’t… it doesn’t feel particularly nice. I’m happy that you are you and can joke about your parents disowning you for burping. My parents kicked me out of the apartment because I’m gay.” Hoseok sighed, again disappointed that he couldn’t keep in personal failures for the sake of a nice and burden-free friendship.

"That's terrible, Hoseok. My- my family wasn't too happy about it, but my dad said he's willing to deal with it as long as I'm not like those gays on TV." Hyungwon swallowed and shifted a little closer, slim arm wrapping around Hoseok's shoulders. "I just look up to you because you talk to others so easily and you are genuine. I can't say a single word when I meet new people and I'm too fucking scared to order a coffee. It might seem like I'm living a super amazing life, but… to me, it feels like I'm not living at all."

“Do you feel better when… when you are with someone? When you are not alone?” he asked, selfishly hoping that the gorgeous boy would say yes and mean him and then he could offer his help and do something besides eating up other people’s money and time while spending time with the one person he really wanted to get closer to. Equally selfishly.

_ Wake the fuck up, Hoseok. _

Hyungwon nodded softly before resting his small head on top of Hoseok's shoulders, inhaling softly and keeping the air in his lungs for a while.

"It's… it's easier when you are next to me," the black-haired boy whispered and inhaled again, voice low and partially unsteady. "But it must be so annoying to you, to have to take care of me when you meet me outside because I can't fucking do anything. I can't even buy strawberries without freaking out, I tried."

“But… I bought some this morning. They are in the fridge,” he murmured, enjoying the weight on his shoulder. Hoseok reached out and stroked over the long, black hair that matched the beautiful boy so well. “I asked because I hoped that I could be close to you more than I am now."

"I would really like that," Hyungwon replied quietly and leaned into his touch. The boy's skin felt so hot against his fingers where Hoseok brushed over his long neck.

“Let’s do it then. I will be your company if you like.” His tipsiness intensified and he took the bottle to fuel it a bit more, to feel the burning in his veins and stomach, to forget the usual garbage he was filled with. Now he was filled with expensive Champagne, so it was okay, right? 

"You're so much more than my company, Hoseok," Hyungwon whispered against his neck and placed a careful kiss right below his earlobe. The touch felt like a small flame, still burning even when the boy leaned back. The sensation paired with the look in the big eyes sent shivers down his spine and made him want to connect their lips, to taste the boy on his tongue, forget all his thoughts and just melt like ice cream. Like at that party.

“I am? I’m still not sure whether I should be feeling like this towards a friend. It feels kind of insane compared to everything else, don’t you think? I mean, maybe I’m the only one, but this… this is a lot.” His voice was barely a whisper as his body moved on its own, leaning forward and exhaling against the boy’s plump lips.

Hyungwon's gasped which only added to Hoseok's desire to kiss him, to taste the expensive champagne that was exactly what the prince-like boy should be drinking.

"I thought this is how… how it's supposed to be. I’ve never had a friend before, especially not one with benefits. I thought it means that-" The black-haired boy moved a little closer and licked over Hoseok's bottom lip, sending a wave of desire downwards. "That it means that we care about each other, but… also want to be close."

Maybe Hoseok didn’t know how it was supposed to be, but his only friendship, with Jooheon, was nothing like this. It was more about being hit as a joke, cursed at for doing self-destructive shit, and crying in the other man’s arms when he felt as if the world was falling apart once again. It didn’t feel the way he felt now.

“I usually don’t like it much when people look at me because they laugh or show disgust. It’s okay if it’s pity, but mostly it’s uncomfortable looks and disgust. But Hyungwon, with you… with you I really want to be looked at, even though I do understand that there is nothing to look at. I… I can imagine as if there is? Does that make any sense?” It probably didn’t, still Hoseok wanted the handsome man to understand why it was so important to him. Placing a careful kiss on his parted lips, he elaborated. “Let’s take your banana, only I’m that one that no-one wants, the one with the black spots and you still take it because you are so nice and hope that it might be good and tasty. However, after you start peeling it you realize that the inside is like that too? But then again, you are nice and open it properly to look at it, even if it’s rotten. That’s how it feels. It feels as if you take the time to look at me, despite everything. Despite the fact that the banana has ‘rotten’ written all over it.”

"I disagree," Hyungwon whispered and covered his neck in kisses, moving along his jaw until he finally arrived at his lips, brushing over them carefully. "I think everybody just wrote 'rotten' on top of it without even bothering to look at it. They wrote it so often that now you believe it. But it's not true, because if I remove the peel, it's- it's the most beautiful one I've ever seen."

"No, don't make me cry, fuck," Hoseok whispered and looked up, hoping that tears dried quickly. Quickly enough to not make the stunning man next to him uncomfortable. 

"We can just cry together, then I won't feel like such a weakling," Hyungwon whispered and kissed his eyelid, probably already tasting the salty liquid. "I mean it, Hoseok. I really do. Please stay with me, I'll take care of you and you can take care of me. It's- it's mutual."

Was it really okay to stay and enjoy all those things? Not that he would have been able to say no, but he still thought about it.

"I will as long as you want me to," he said in reply and jumped from the counter, taking the last sip of the expensive champagne that didn't taste any different from anything else he usually drank and stepped between Hyungwon's legs. "Kiss me," he whispered. 

The black-haired boy met his gaze and nodded, pushing his glass of champagne as far away as he was able to before reaching out and cupping Hoseok's face. Hyungwon's thumbs traced the outline of his cheekbones as the beautiful man finally leaned in and kissed him, tilting his head down and licking into his mouth. Hyungwon's lips were hot against his and sweeter than the champagne, accompanied by thighs that lifted up and slid along his hips.

Hoseok didn't expect himself to react this fast, lower body tingling as his hands carefully stroked up the boy's thighs and his tongue tasted Hyungwon's delicious mouth.

"Can we-" the handsome boy gasped and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, pulling him closer. "Can we celebrate by… eating those strawberries? We- we have cream too." 

"Fuck, yes, let me shower and get ready for you," he murmured, unwillingly letting go and glancing towards the shower.

Hyungwon blinked a few times as if he didn't understand why Hoseok had to leave him. The boy's hands were still stroking over his arms as he stepped back.

"I… can cut the fruit in the meantime," Hyungwon murmured hesitantly before glancing down at his own body and tugging at his t-shirt. "Should I… shower too? I did this morning, but maybe it's not enough."

"You can if you'd like to feel my tongue inside you." Hoseok thought about whether he needed the handsome boy to shower. "I can do the slit thing without you having to shower."

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he nodded, carefully letting go of Hoseok's upper arm.

"Wait for me," he said while walking backward, unable to rip his gaze from the boy's face, his black hair, big eyes, his parted lips. If he imagined it, he could feel the soft exhale against his skin. 

"Please wait for me."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The counter was familiar under his fingertips, a surface he had touched more than once. Hyungwon still remembered sitting on it on the first day he moved into his new apartment. He had kissed his mother on the cheek and waited for her to walk through the front door before feeling lost in the several rooms that were supposed to be his home.

His birth home was much bigger than the apartment he lived in now, but it hadn't been as empty, only filled with his own presence and things that were supposed to belong to him. There had always been somebody around and if he was tired of company he simply retired to his rooms. All the people were familiar to him, his parents, the housekeeper, the cleaner. All of them had been there since he was a child and when his parents wanted to change the cleaner a panic attack was all it took to change their mind.

Hyungwon wasn't used to being alone, but he was even less used to being among people he wasn't familiar with.

_ But it's okay when it is him, isn't it? _

He lifted his gaze from the tight jeans fabric that wrapped around his thighs and glanced towards the door that led to the hallway. He could hear the shower because the apartment was really quiet otherwise. Hyungwon mostly showered in the mornings, so Hoseok was never there to listen.

_ You're the only one imagining him undressed, hands sliding over his muscular body while preparing a bowl of strawberries. _

The sounds continued as he took the said bowl and placed it on the counter next to him, joining the can of whipped cream. It was a strange feeling, not quite like being at home surrounded by the people he knew, but also not like being left in the same room with a stranger. Hoseok wasn't a stranger anymore, Hyungwon had gotten used to his presence.

_ He is a friend now, somebody you can talk to. _

A smile passed over his lips as his mind returned to what happened between them a few days ago, the way he had lost awareness of his own actions, enjoying the touches way too much.

_ Will it happen again? Will you lose yourself? _

Hoseok had hinted at rimming him, touching him with his tongue, but Hyungwon couldn't tell if it was okay to want it. Was it too much, too intrusive? Was he supposed to prefer doing it to others? To enjoy the way they responded and whimpered under his ministrations, the way he did when he pleased them with his mouth? 

His heart was beating furiously and it was partially due to his anxiety, his fear of doing something wrong. It was more terrifying when he was waiting, anticipating what was to come with a bowl of strawberries and cream. What if he freaked the other man out? Maybe the image was nicer than actually following through and trying it out?

_ What if he doesn't like it? _

Hyungwon knew that he would stop immediately, stop whatever it was that he wanted to do. Under no circumstances did he want to hurt Hoseok or make him feel uncomfortable. The pink-haired man had experienced enough suffering to last him a lifetime.

_ But what if he wants to do something you shouldn't like, but do? What are you supposed to do then? _

He didn't know. There was no solution to that, none apart from keeping it a secret or refraining from it in the first place.

The sound of the bathroom door opening suddenly pulled him from his thoughts and he panicked, feeling unprepared for what was about to happen now and whether he was wearing too many clothes.

He hastily pulled his shirt over his head and unbuttoned the button of his jeans, deciding that it looked better as he still sat on the familiar counter and listened to his own heartbeat and the steps in the hallway.

_ Don't panic, you won't get hard if you panic and that's the worst. _

Hoseok walked into the kitchen, only wearing a white towel around his hips and stray waterdrops glistening on his muscular chest and toned stomach. The strands of his pink hair hung into his eyes and a light blush was noticeable on the boy's cheeks, making him look so incredibly handsome. Hyungwon couldn't tear his eyes away, embarrassed by how easily Hoseok's exposed body affected him.

"You're still here," the low voice whispered as Hoseok stepped closer, but stopped half way. "You make me so nervous. I'm all trembling and my heart feels like it'll jump out of my chest."

_ Does he feel the same way? _

Hyungwon shifted on top of the counter and spread his legs a little, struggling to believe that somebody like Hoseok was nervous about being close to him, touching him. They had done it so many times already, so why was his heart thumping all the way to his ears?

"I- I thought it was just me," he muttered, already hating his stuttering and suddenly feeling self-conscious about taking off his shirt. "You look breathtaking and you- you don't want to know what I'm thinking right now." 

"I don't?" The pink-haired boy stepped even closer, still leaving some space between them. "I think I do. I imagined so many things that I got nervous all of a sudden and cleaned up, even though you said you didn't want to… yeah, you look breathtaking," Hoseok murmured but didn't avert his gaze, simply blushing instead. 

_ He even got ready for things you didn't agree on and you worry about liking butt stuff. _

"What… did you imagine?" Hyungwon asked softly and spread his legs a little wider, hoping that it looked inviting enough.

"Mostly… you. Before it was kind of mixed with the things… things I experienced, but now it's mostly you. In all kinds of… well… positions." The handsome man shook his head at himself, looking a little dissatisfied. "I have no idea what I'm talking about, please ignore me." 

Finally, the muscular figure stepped between his legs, allowing him see how attractive the drops on the other man's skin looked from up close and how incredibly muscular he was, bicep flexing as the boy grabbed the edge of the counter he was sitting on.

Hyungwon couldn't resist as a sound suspiciously close to a gasp left his lips and he reached out. His fingertips touched the cool skin, connecting a few of the water droplets along Hoseok's collarbone and down along the middle over his solar plexus. He allowed himself a small excursion over the boy's nipple which he touched with his index finger before continuing along his sculpted stomach, stopping right at the towel.

"I imagine you in the shower," he breathed out, forgetting about decency. "Touching yourself. Every time."

"I do touch myself and think of you. It's mostly in the shower. I try to calm down before crawling under the blanket. I… usually need to hug something or someone to sleep, but hugging you is… different, so I tend to get off first to not make you uncomfortable." Hoseok hissed in response to the touch and was like an open book, absolutely authentic and honest, easily admitting to anything.

_ He reacts when he hugs you, it's not just you desiring something unreasonable. _

"I… sometimes get aroused and pretend that I'm not when you embrace me," he admitted, feeling like he had to be truthful, tell Hoseok that he wasn't the only one. "You make me want you so much that I feel greedy and like a pervert because you must be so exhausted when you come home."

_ And you still think of touching him when he's on the verge of fainting. _

His eyes were focused on the boy's body, the beginning of the towel that his fingers were still stroking over. Like a hypocrite. 

"I am exhausted. But the only thing I want when I come home is to see your face and touch you. Now who is the greedy one?" Chuckling softly, Hoseok leaned in and closed his lips around the beginning of his collar bone, nibbling on the skin and humming around it.

Hyungwon gasped, this time obviously and leaned back on one arm to stay in place. Hoseok's lips felt perfect on his skin and he couldn't wait to place a strawberry into the dip of the boy's collarbone in return and eat it up.

Feeling nervous as fuck, he reached for the bowl and grabbed one, placing it right where he wanted it before sucking it up and licking the juice that remained.

_ You're so crazy, what are you even doing? _

Hoseok hissed, head thrown back before stepping back from him. Glancing around, the beautiful boy walked to the table and jumped up, spreading his arms and laying down on top of it. "Let me be your meal," he whispered. 

"Fuck," Hyungwon hissed out loud and for a brief moment, he thought he was having a panic attack until he realized it was just excitement and his heartbeat couldn't calm down when there was Hoseok lying on a table, only covered by a towel and waiting for him to eat strawberries off his skin.

"You can try it out too… with me if you like," he muttered and grabbed the bowl and the whipped cream before walking over to the table. He started out by spraying some cream around Hoseok's nipple before leaning in and sucking it up, playing with the bud in the meantime. The sound of the can was a little strange, but the moan that left Hoseok's lips made Hyungwon forget about everything else.

"Fuck. I'd eat you without strawberries if you'd let me," Hoseok moaned instead of speaking, head thrown back and showing everything on his face, like usual.

Hyungwon loved it and continued by taking a handful of cut strawberries and arranging them all over Hoseok's torso, stopping right at the towel. To make it more delicious he added a drop of cream on top of each piece. Leaning in, he started at the boy's chest, sucking up the strawberry before playing with the patch of skin, nibbling on it and sucking it into his mouth. He couldn't even tell what he liked more, the fresh taste of Hoseok's skin, or strawberries.

Once he arrived at the towel, he hesitated at first, stroking along the edge. After all, there must have been a reason for Hoseok to keep it on.

_ Why are you still wearing your pants then? _

Swallowing audibly, he pulled down the towel and licked over his lips at the sight of Hoseok's erect dick. The pink-haired boy must have really enjoyed it, shown by his beautiful moans and the way his muscles flexed. Hyungwon felt embarrassed as he placed a strawberry on the tip, holding the length steady, before sucking it off and letting the head of the other man's erection hit the back of his throat.

The low groan let him know that Hoseok must have liked it, one hand immediately settling in his hair. "More," the boy whispered.

The word went straight to Hyungwon's groin and he let go of the hot length and decided to change his position. He walked around the table towards Hoseok's firm thighs and spread them a little before climbing in between. He remembered that Hoseok said he enjoyed kisses, so he did exactly that, covering both round butt cheeks with kisses and licking once over the boy's crack before sucking on his tip again. He wanted the feeling to be intense, so he held his breath and moved all the way down to the smooth skin of Hoseok's groin before humming and staying in place for a few seconds, swallowing around the tip.

The boy twitched in his mouth, groaning and reaching for his hair again. Hyungwon used it as encouragement and moved up, inhaling through his nose, before sliding down again while his right hand danced over Hoseok's inner thighs and behind, stroking over his crack and massaging the boy's balls. He didn't really know what the pink-haired boy liked, but he worked with what Hoseok had told him. There was a barely noticeable jerk when his hand moved further down, but Hoseok didn't say anything, simply pulling at his hair lightly and exhaling sharply.

_ But he doesn't need to say anything. _

Hyungwon instantly changed his strategy, keeping his hands to the boy's inner thighs and balls mostly, while his lips did all the work, sucking thoroughly and enjoying the way the hot thickness rubbed over his tongue and slipped into his throat. Only when he felt another twitch, he remembered the strawberries and carefully let the boy's erection slip out of his throat, breathing heavily from lack of oxygen.

"Are you okay?" he whispered and placed a few kisses on Hoseok's thighs, the tip of his dick and also his navel because it was tempting.

_ He's lying here all open for you, how are you supposed to act to not accidentally hurt him? _

Not even a second passed before the pink hair appeared in front of him as Hoseok sat up quickly, shifting closer to the edge of the table and looking worried.

"I was weird, right? I didn't mean to, it's kinda automatic, I can't really control it. You can still do- stuff that you like," he murmured and smiled brightly, cheeks pink from apparent arousal.

"But- it's fine if you don't like it. I don't even really know what I like because I've never done this before, Hoseok." Hyungwon chewed on his cheek before grabbing a strawberry and holding it to Hoseok's lips as a distraction. He didn't know if it was for his or the other man's.

"But aren't you mad? Or… like… disappointed? Because you want to do something but then I'm all sensitive about it. It must be no fun for you." Hoseok closed his lips around the strawberry and held it between his teeth for a short time. He looked so beautiful, pink hair, pink cheeks, red lips and the equally red strawberry.

_ How could you be mad? _

"It's rather no fun to do something you don't enjoy. I want to do something you like, that makes you feel good because it makes me burn," he admitted and leaned in to lick over the boy's tip, knowing that he liked it. "Do you… like what you mentioned? Rimming?" 

Hyungwon had no idea how people were able to talk during sex because he already felt like his face was burning and he just wanted to stuff his face with Hoseok's dick and forget about everything.

The boy moaned at the touch before glancing down and jumping from the table, wrapping both arms around his waist. "I don't know. I like stuff pressed against my prostate and I like… you. I like you." The round eyes jumped from his eyes to his lips, before the muscular figure moved lower, pulling down his zipper and removing his jeans and underwear from his lower body.

Hyungwon helped him by stepping out of the fabric, remaining stark naked just like the man in front of him. Missing the sensation of lips against his, he pulled Hoseok back up and kissed him, deepening it immediately and licking into the boy's mouth. He wanted to make him feel good, to moan the way he had that night both of them went crazy.

"Did you like it when I kissed you there last time?" Hoseok asked, pulling him towards the bedroom while they were kissing and embracing each other. He only hoped they wouldn't fall on their faces like last time and possibly break their legs and be found lying around with their dicks out when the ambulance came.

Hyungwon purposefully kept one eye open as they passed through the hallway while his hands roamed over Hoseok's body. He wanted him so much it wasn't even normal anymore, not comprehensible considering how often they had already been intimate.

He nodded softly as they finally passed the door to the bedroom and Hoseok led them to the bed.

"Did you like it when I… did it just now?"

"It tickled." The boy chuckled softly and pushed him on the mattress, climbing on top of him. "But I don't think I've ever lost my mind the way I did that one time. It's weird right, because actually it's not anything major, but still…"

"Would you-" Hyungwon started and swallowed because it seemed so wrong to say it, but at the same time he felt his arousal spike up at the image of hearing Hoseok moan like that again. "Would you like to do it again?" 

"I really want to do something that you like. Something that makes you burn. I love the way you sound when you burn." The heavy weight settled on his lap and the boy leaned in, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and playing with him.

_ Doesn't he understand that you were burning more than ever? _

Hyungwon didn't dare admit to it, so he didn't, returning the kiss and gasping at how well Hoseok was able to use his tongue.

"Then let me play with you." The boy leaned back and winked, crawling backwards until he settled between his legs that he threw over his shoulders. The pierced tongue peeked out and his body knew exactly what was going to happen. 

"Fuck, Hoseok," he already hissed right before it happened, but when it did he was barely able to contain a load moan, thighs trembling and vision blurring for a second. It felt crazy and he barely knew what to hold onto, grabbing a fistful of the sheets with one hand and holding onto Hoseok's muscular upper arm with the other.

He didn't know how often the boy teased him and took him into his mouth, but as soon as he was close, the sensation disappeared.

"Would you… like to sit on me? I mean on my lap when I lay on my back and touch you? It's probably not as intense because it's only my hand, but… because you moaned so gorgeously last time I thought that you might like it?" Hoseok looked so insecure, sitting back on his calves and staring at him.

Hyungwon nodded so quickly that it was embarrassing and he might have slapped himself to get a grip if that hadn't been even worse. He tried to catch his breath after being so close to orgasm and carefully sat up, teeth mercilessly nibbling on his bottom lip. 

His roommate looked happy, crawling back up and laying on his back, one hand reaching for his wrist and encouraging him to move. "Come to me," Hoseok whispered.

Hyungwon nodded again and followed the pull, scared that his body was obvious in showing how much he was looking forward to it, how much he wanted to know if he enjoyed feeling Hoseok's length that way, just as much as the last time.

Settling on top of the boy's groin, he slowly lowered his behind, allowing the hot length to slip right between his butt cheeks. It was embarrassing and he didn't dare say a word, but he liked it so much, the way it slipped along his crack when he moved forward.

The moan was godly. Low and almost vibrating in the air between them. The sound was accompanied by Hoseok's hands. One of them settled on his waist while the other one curled around his dick, stroking it along with the movement of his hips.

"You can… decide how you want to move and whether you want to. But fuck, I'm dying," Hoseok commented, eyes rolling back at a hint of a movement of his hips.

_ He must like it so much, enough for it to steal his breath away. _

Hyungwon worried about feeling too much, ending everything too quickly because of the hand around his length, so he purposefully made his motions bigger. He rolled his hips over the boy's erection each time the tight ring of Hoseok's fingers slipped over his own. He wanted to hear more of those moans, to feel the whole length slip along his crack and repeat the motion endlessly. It was driving him mad, enough to let his eyes flutter shut and throw his head back.

"I think I won't be able to imagine anything else ever," Hoseok whispered, hips stuttering under him in an attempt to thrust up. His roommate looked gone, moaning lowly and muscles flexing at every motion of his body. 

The pink-haired boy was gorgeous, but he couldn't have been as gone as Hyungwon was, delirious with the combined pleasure and the knowledge that he was close, that it was going to be over. He wanted to lie on his stomach and have Hoseok continue, to slide the way he wanted to until his whole body contracted and he released himself on top of him.

_ You're crazy, so fucking crazy. _

His moans and whimpers got louder and more frequent, vibrating in his throat as his orgasm became inevitable and he began muttering nonsense, begging Hoseok for more while telling him that he was going crazy, that he wanted him so much. All those things he should have kept to himself right until his vision turned white and he almost collapsed on top of the muscular boy after covering his stomach in cum.

"Fuck," he moaned and trembled through the aftermath, wanting to hear how much Hoseok loved it. "I'll lie down, don't stop, just continue."

He grabbed a tissue quickly and wiped over the boy's stomach before discarding it next to the bed and lying down on his stomach, legs spread only slightly.

"Just- just move the way you did," he muttered and closed his eyes, breathless and too fucking dizzy to speak.

Hoseok nodded briefly, before the muscular body settled on top of him and he felt the boy's length between his cheeks, broad hips thrusting sensually accompanied by gorgeous moans that filled the room, so desperate but at the same time arousing beyond belief.

"I want you. Hell, I want you so fucking much," the low voice groaned and he felt the pulsating heat that accompanied Hoseok's intense orgasm.

_ Is this what it might feel like if- _

Hyungwon didn't dare finish his thought and merely panted, hoping that his arousal was going to fade before Hoseok was able to tell, before he understood how much Hyungwon enjoyed being touched like that. Fuck. 

Hoseok didn't say anything, completely out of breath and trying to get some air by inhaling sharply a few times in succession. "I don't know what this is, but I'm losing my fucking mind, Hyungwon." 

_ You don't know what it is. _

"Me too," he whispered and shifted a little, aware of cum on his ass and the fact that there was still heat between his butt cheeks. He fucking loved it, it was weird. 

"If we don't stop I'm going to get hard again in a second," the boy murmured, licking his lips and kissing his nape and shoulders.

Hyungwon didn't reply, keenly aware of the fact that he was aroused himself and didn't want to reveal it by moving, by turning around and making it obvious. There was no reason for him to get aroused without being touched, none at all.

"Are you… okay? Did I do something you didn't like?" The low voice sounded a little panicked all of a sudden.

"No, not at all, I-" Hyungwon swallowed, aware that he couldn't let Hoseok think he did something wrong. "I like it so much and feel like I'm crazy for enjoying being touched that way."

"But then we feel the same, so it should be okay, right?" the beautiful pink-haired boy said, littering every patch of his skin with hot kisses that burned along his spine.

"But- but isn't it normal to enjoy stimulation to your dick? Just now- just now you didn't even touch my dick and still I-" Hyungwon stopped talking and took another deep breath, struggling with the images in his head and how arousing Hoseok's voice was, telling him how much he wanted him. It felt so good to be wanted, but something told him it was the wrong way.

Hoseok wiped his back and lay on top of him, thick length pressing into the space between his cheeks. "If I plug myself, I can run around with a boner for the whole day. There's this spot in your butt. It does that. Not only to you. You just… I guess you're sensitive? Just the other way? Try using your fingers and find out."

Hyungwon gasped, unable to help it and knew there must have been blush on his cheeks, obvious as soon as Hoseok decided to look at it.

"I- I know there is a spot, but it's on the inside, isn't it? So why- oh god, I can't explain it." He gave up, trembling from the fact that Hoseok was lying on top of him again, the heat of the other man's body and how much he liked to be pressed into the sheets. It was all so wrong that he thought about turning around, but the problem was that he didn't want to. He wanted to stay just like that forever.

"Because it feels nice," Hoseok replied and rolled his hips once, showing him that he was hard again. "And you feel… so good."

"But- you said that it doesn't feel nice for you, so why must it be nice for me? Can't I just- I don't know, be a dick person? This is driving me mad and I just-" Hyungwon purposefully lifted his behind and moaned softly at the way it felt. "Fuck."

"It doesn't have to. You don't have to do anything, Hyungwon. You can be whatever you like." A kiss was pressed to his cheek as the weight on top of him lifted slowly, and Hoseok wiped over his ass again. "You shouldn't be torn only because of something like this. Let's stay with the previous stuff. You felt very confident about that."

Hyungwon shook his head and chewed on his cheek, thinking about how to explain his struggles. Instead of talking, he lifted up from the mattress and moved towards Hoseok, wrapping his arms around the boy's neck and sitting on his lap.

"But I want this so much that I can't think of anything else. I don't want to stop, Hoseok. Please don't make me," he muttered and kissed those curved lips, hoping that he could convince Hoseok otherwise.

"I want you. I want you so much. I don't care how, but I want you. My heart is beating like a drum and I think that I'm tipsy, but you are driving me mad, Hyungwon. I will do whatever you like."

Hyungwon leaned in and rested his head on Hoseok's shoulder, breathing heavily. This wasn't something he could ask the pink-haired man to solve for him. This was something Hyungwon had to solve for himself. 

"I want you too," he murmured truthfully and stayed in the embrace, feeling at ease as long as he didn't have to think about how his desires clashed with his expectations.

One of the two would have to win because there was no way to reconcile them.

***

"I know that you usually don't want to listen to my sex-talk, but this time…" he started, but his best friend already had his palms pressed against his ears and was singing the duck song. Sighing loudly, Hoseok curled his fingers around the boy's wrists and started shaking him while pleading to hear him out as they sat down.

"I will kill him if he touched you. I'll be honest with you, I don't like him. I don't like him at all. This whole thing with benefits for living there and suddenly wanting to become friends and you continuously hanging around at his house without going out. I hate that. I keep asking my mom to let you live with me. She's not very receptive, but I'm never giving up." Jooheon sighed, taking the cold brew latte and placing it on the table in front of him. "I’ve told you before, but you're… you're very handsome and way too nice, so of course people like you and I'm sure that he likes being around you because you're ready to give everything up just to be liked. You don't need to do that, Hoseok. People should like you for who you are, not for your readiness to do anything."

_ That's not your problem. He does like you, doesn't he? _

"But I think he does like me, Honey. He is so nice to me and waits for me and kisses me and eats strawberries from my body. I… look at this," Hoseok whispered and pulled out the shiny device from his pocket, having a heart attack because he almost dropped it. "Look. He gave me a phone. I didn’t unpack it for almost two weeks, but… there's stuff going on and I don't know if I can act as if it's not there."

"Is he trying to buy you? Oh god, listen, don't use it, I'll give you the phone I still have, okay? That's not worth it, I swear." The blonde man reached for his hands and grabbed them to get his attention. "Why… why are you there? Can you tell me the reason for staying there apart from the lack of other possibilities? What is it?"

_ What is it? _

Hoseok brushed back his pink bangs and chewed on his bottom lip, rolling his piercing inside his mouth in a nervous gesture. He knew. Of course, he knew why he was staying. Aware that his enthusiasm for going home didn't have anything to do with the knowledge that it was a home. It was only because of the person that he knew was waiting for him behind that door.

"I… because of him," he whispered, glancing to the side briefly before returning his gaze. "I'm staying there because of him. I like him."

A few moments passed as his best friend stared with his mouth open, unable to say a word.

"Oh god, did you fall in love with him, Hoseok? Because he let you live there? Oh no. He will hurt you, Bunny, he will hurt you so much, don't," Jooheon pled, squeezing his hands desperately, but he didn't understand why it was something bad. Sure, he ruined their arrangement, didn't play by the rules. It was supposed to be a friends with benefits relationship, but he simply dove into it with his head first, falling head over heels for the gorgeous prince handsome who was living in that palace-like apartment and was nice to him.

_ You're so fucking clingy, wow. _

"I broke the rules, but I'm scared because I will just tell him straight out that I'm in love with him when I see him next time. Fuck. Please tape my mouth. But that's actually not the thing I wanted to talk to you about. It's about the sexual part. He… I… our dynamic is a bit different from what I know from before. He doesn't want to fuck me, not that I noticed, and he seems to like it when I do things to him. Does that make sense? But the problem is that I… god… I like it so much too. He let me fuck his butt cheeks and I thought I was going to die. Is it normal to be so whipped for his ass?" His elaboration was disturbed by Jooheon's loud groan and a painful sensation against his arm as his best friend pinched him. 

"Fuck, don't tell me that, I'm traumatized imagining you in all those positions. I don't care about his ass, Hoseok. If you like his ass and he likes your dick next to his ass, congratulations, you figured it out. Just don't elaborate on that while I'm trying to live a peaceful life. I still don't like him because I think that he's using you. My opinion stays independent of the fact that you are a whipped idiot." As soon as the words left the blond man's mouth, he leaned in and curled his arms around his shoulders, looking guilty for no reason. "Sorry, you're not an idiot. You're just a person that is too nice for this world."

_ Being too nice for this world sounds cool. But it also means that you're not part of it. _

_

Hoseok was not someone to think or overthink a lot. It came with the experiences he had during his life and the inevitable conclusion that he was a person that should never have existed in the first place.

_ Whatever you do, don't tell him that you like him that way, or he'll throw you out. Rules are rules. _

Hoseok hated rules. 

It was Saturday and he finished work earlier, meeting the postman on his way up and signing for a package for Hyungwon. Usually the postman never came, but the guy said that the parcel station was full so it was redirected to the boy's apartment.

_ He's probably happy that he didn’t have to sign? _

Cheerful about having done something nice for his roommate and friend that he was shamelessly in love with, Hoseok entered the spacious hallway and slipped out of his shoes.

"A package came for you and I just signed for it," he exclaimed proudly, while balancing the small box on his head.

There was shuffling, but not from the bedroom and Hoseok couldn't help being surprised when the bathroom door opened and Hyungwon stepped out. The black-haired boy was only wearing his underwear and attempted to dry his long hair with a white towel, healthy blush on his cheeks and eyes staring at his own feet. Not even once had Hoseok seen him shower before.

"Fuck," he whispered because he was whipped and had only seen the prince with wet hair ages ago at that party. "You look… wow."

_ Don't say you're in love with him. No. _

Distracting himself by letting the box fall into his hands, Hoseok started opening it. "It's the razorblades right? I could've bought them, you could have told me," he babbled, pulling the paper out and glancing at the gorgeous man instead of the contents of the parcel. 

"Oh god," Hyungwon whispered suddenly and froze right at the first step towards Hoseok, towel hiding most of his face before it slipped to his shoulders, eyes wide. "I- it's- it doesn't have to mean anything, I just thought-" 

He didn't understand what the problem was before glancing at the small white box in his hands with a picture of a pretty black plug. 

_ Oh. _

"Oh," he said, looking at Hyungwon before looking back at the toy. "Is it for you or… for me?"

"I- I don't know, I just remembered that you said you liked it, so I bought it just in case. Fuck, please don't think I'm weird." His roommate brushed over his own hips before wrapping his arms around himself and closing his eyes, inhaling sharply. "I guess you can… do it with me too, but I've never done it before."

_ Oh my god, he must be embarrassed. _

"Would you…" he started as he moved forward, stopping so close that he could smell the delicious scent of Hyungwon's shower gel. "Would you like to plug me?" 

Those brown eyes opened wide and Hyungwon loosened the grip he had on himself, carefully letting his hands rest at his thighs.

"O- only if you want to," the black-haired boy whispered and chewed on his bottom lip. He looked gorgeous with wet strands framing his face and only a pair of trunks covering him from Hoseok's curious eyes.

"Mhm. Let me shower real quick." Hoseok unpacked the plug and put it into Hyungwon's big palm along with the small packet of lube that was inside the package. "See you in a bit." 

After the door closed, he undressed quickly and took a hot shower, cleaning up as much as he was able to and stroked himself a bit to distract himself from the slide when Hyungwon would push the plug inside him. He smelled like roses when he abandoned all clothes on the floor because he knew he was going to be naked anyway and left the bathroom, spotting Hyungwon on the same spot he left him.

"Uh… have you changed your mind?" he asked, curling his hand around his dick. "I'm all ready."

"I- no, I just-" Hyungwon took a deep breath and stared at the floor again as his black hair had already begun to dry and surrounded his face in beautiful waves. The boy was still holding the plug in one hand and and the lube in the other, a little bit like a robot. "I just didn't know what to do."

"I'll show you." Hoseok curled his arms around the boy from the back, erection pressing against his behind and littering his warm shoulders with kisses.

A soft gasp left the pump lips and Hyungwon tilted his head back, almost resting on top of Hoseok's shoulder.

"I feel like such an idiot when I don't know how to do things. I get anxious and then I can't even get hard and then you'll think I don't find you attractive even though I do and then it just keeps getting worse." The tall boy was babbling, speaking quickly as his breathing frequency increased.

_ He's nervous, but so are you. You simply don't care. _

He let his hands travel over Hyungwon's toned stomach, drawing along his vline with his thumbs and rubbing over the outline of his penis, one hand lifting and immediately finding the tiny nipple. His teeth nibbled on the boy's shoulder and he enjoyed hugging him from behind, showing the gorgeous man how aroused he was.

Hyungwon moaned, softly at first until it got louder and Hoseok could feel how the boy relaxed in his arms, pushing his slim hips back to feel more as his length filled out under his fingertips.

"You are so attractive, I can't wait for you to touch me," Hoseok whispered, rolling his hips once along with the movement of Hyungwon's lower body that rubbed against him and pulled a low moan from his lips. "Would you like to?" 

The other boy nodded softly and freed one of his hands by transferring the lube to the other, before carefully stroking along Hoseok's hip and pulling him closer against Hyungwon's behind. Hoseok couldn't believe that the other man enjoyed the feeling so much, leading him on to have more of it.

"Please tell me if I do something you don't like," the low voice whispered.

"I don't like the slide, but I like the feeling of the plug, so I will touch myself while you push it inside." Hoseok simply couldn't shut his mouth. Instead of simply letting the boy do whatever he liked, Hoseok demanded shit. "Let's go," he murmured and pushed the slim figure forward by rolling his hips.

Hyungwon stumbled, but caught himself quickly, making his way towards the bedroom while wrapping his free hand around Hoseok's wrist. His roommate didn't say anything until they arrived right in front of the bed and he seemed unsure about what to do for a few seconds. Chewing on his cheek, he quickly took off his trunks and discarded them at the side.

"I could also touch you… if you like. With my lips or my hands," the boy commented and climbed on top of the bed, pulling Hoseok down into a soft kiss.

"Please," he murmured and lay on his back, pulling Hyungwon on top of himself and wrapping his legs around his hips. "I can't stop thinking about touching you. Like a creep."

"Me too," Hyungwon muttered and covered his face with kisses, licking over his jaw and sucking his bottom lip onto his mouth before the boy continued along his neck. "You have a gorgeous external jugular vein, I... always end up staring at it."

He could feel teeth nibbling along his neck and a hot tongue that soothed the area until Hyungwon continued with his collarbones and looked up, cheeks pink and lips a gorgeous red.

"You drive me so fucking crazy, Hoseok, just by existing," the low voice whispered as Hyungwon connected their lower bodies carefully, gasping out loud.

"I want you. Fuck, put this thing inside me or I'm going to lose it." Hoseok rolled his hips and used his grip to pull Hyungwon closer against his groin, rolling his hips into him and ravishing his thick lips.

The black-haired boy moaned right into his mouth before nodding softly and covering his chest and stomach in bites and kisses as he moved down. Hyungwon licked over the tip of his erection once before grabbing the packet of lube and ripping it open.

"Do you… need some preparation first?" the boy asked carefully and met his gaze, brown eyes attentive and lips parted. He looked fascinated by him, unable to glance away.

"I usually… just sit on it. But you can finger me if you like that. I heard I’m super tight." Hoseok brushed his wet hair back and regretted not taking a towel to put under his head.

Hyungwon nodded again and poured some of the lube on his index and middle finger before spreading it and rubbing it between his fingers. He must have done some research beforehand.

"You said you don't like friction, so…" The black-haired boy licked over his lips as he reached between Hoseok's butt cheeks and carefully drew circles with his middle finger. "I'll keep the movement to a minimum. But you might have to help me to… to find the spot."

_ Why… is he so nice to you? Fuck. _

"Ah, sure," Hoseok muttered and curled his hand around his dick, rubbing over the tip and moaning softly. "If you are inside you just curl them up and search for a firm spot, the size of a walnut."

His roommate inhaled sharply and nodded again. He seemed to be very thorough about wanting his fingers to be lubed up and rubbed over his entrance when he seemed to be satisfied.

"I- I can also touch you," he whispered and covered Hoseok's hand with his own, rubbing over the tip and tightening his grip to make it feel better. Hyungwon purposefully paired the strokes and the way his thumb played with his slit with carefully pushing against his entrance.

He forced himself to relax because being tense would've made it worse and glanced at the ceiling, concentrating on the feeling of Hyungwon's hand around his dick as the bony digits slipped past the tight ring of muscles.

The black-haired boy paused as soon as his fingers slipped in and only curled his fingertips, obviously trying to find the spot while his hands kept stroking over Hoseok's erection. When he needed longer to figure it out, Hoseok could feel the boy's hand shake until he simply leaned in and replaced his hand with his lips, sucking on his tip until he finally found it, covering Hoseok's vision in white for a split second.

"Oh my god," he moaned, hoping that everything would stay like that, the pressure against his prostate and the lips against his dick.

Hyungwon kept his hand perfectly still and only applied pressure to the spot a few times, getting a little startled when Hoseok twitched between his lips. The pleasure stayed perfect for several blissful seconds until Hyungwon suddenly lifted his head and licked over his lips.

"I- I know where the spot is now, so… I can take them out and use the plug. Would you… like that?" the black-haired boy whispered. "I don't want to hurt you and I don't know how still I can keep my hand. I start trembling when I'm nervous."

_ What is it that he's asking? _

"I… just put it inside," Hoseok moaned before the other man's fingers moved away from the spot and he shivered from the discomfort.

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek as he wiped his fingers on his own thigh, looking uncomfortable.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered and leaned in to take Hoseok into his mouth again, tongue rubbing circles over his tip until Hyungwon moved down completely and let him hit his throat, swallowing a few times. Letting go again, the black-haired boy seemed uncomfortable as he put lube on the black plug and leaned in again. "I'll just- I'll deep-throat you while putting it in, okay? I really don't want to hurt you."

_ Well done. Now he's scared. _

"No, you’re not hurting me at all," Hoseok murmured, spreading his legs further and attempting to relax. "As soon as its inside, it'll feel really good. So good that my dick will twitch when I move." 

"Like pressing the spot?" Hyungwon asked and licked over his tip like a cat. It was probably not the boy's intention, but the way he kept staring at Hoseok attentively and only used the tip of his tongue made it seem like it. "You're so beautiful when you feel pleasure. I only want you to feel good from now on."

"Yeah, it automatically presses against the spot without the slide, so it's the best for me." Hoseok stared down and twitched right into the boy's face as a reaction to his own thoughts that circled around the image of the long body lying under him and the low voice that moaned while he moved between the firm cheeks. "Oops. My mind went places."

Hyungwon licked over the tip again and shook his head, he seemed a little nervous despite Hoseok's words.

"I'm sorry for using my fingers in the first place. I… thought I had to find the spot first, god." The black-haired boy seemed to use the strategy he told Hoseok about before and simply shut himself up by sliding down his erection and letting it hit the back of his throat while he carefully aligned the plug with Hoseok's entrance and pushed it inside. He was careful, purposefully sucking intently with each additional centimeter until Hoseok felt the boy's flat palm on his ass and each motion made his dick twitch.

"Fuck," he hissed, grabbing Hyungwon by his shoulders and leading him on top of his lap. His hands cupped the beautiful, small face and pulled the handsome man down into a hot kiss.

"Does it… feel that good?" Hyungwon whispered against his lips and pressed his hips down, moaning at the sensation even though Hoseok was the one getting the friction. "You're driving me mad."

"Mhm. But having you sit on top of me feels even better. I don't make sense, do I?" He moved his hips and twitched at the sensation, thrusting up in an automatic movement that he wasn't able to control in time. 

Hyungwon gasped and placed his palms flat against Hoseok's chest. It didn't seem like the black-haired boy wanted to move away, rather the opposite. Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and rolled his hips in return, sliding along Hoseok's length with his behind, aided by precum and his position. The way those plump lips parted in a moan looked ethereal, enough to permanently engrave it in his memory.

"Fuck me up, Hyungwon, you feel like heaven," Hoseok muttered, dizzy from the combined pleasure as his hands curled around the boy's hips and moved them. The curses and moans were kind of embarrassing, but he couldn't help it.

The gorgeous man on top of him was moaning too, throwing his head back and placing his hands behind him on Hoseok's thighs to be able to keep himself in place and follow the motions Hoseok decided for his hips. Hyungwon looked gorgeous, the blush that spread from his cheeks to his neck, the way his abdomen flexed with each roll of Hoseok's hips. Hoseok could even see that the black-haired boy liked it enough to twitch once in a while, precum developing at the tip.

"Hyungwon, I'm greedy. I want you so much," he moaned, thrusting up with more force, friction and the feeling of the boy's ass on top of him driving him completely insane. He curled one hand around Hyungwon's erection and stroked him through the movements.

The black-haired boy wasn't able to contain the sounds, moaning loudly and alternating between pushing down against him and thrusting upwards into his hand. Hyungwon seemed delirious too, gasping repeatedly as his thighs and abdomen kept flexing from pleasure.

He couldn't hold out. Not when it felt so good, groaning the boy's name and pulling him against his erection, covering his crack in cum and sliding him over it repeatedly. Fuck.

_ You can say sorry later. Make him come. _

Hoseok let go of the boy's hips and stroked his dick instead, rubbing over his tip and playing with his balls. Hyungwon gasped out loud and dug his fingers further into Hoseok's thighs, hips still moving on their own as if the black-haired boy didn't mind cum sliding over his crack. Hyungwon's eyes were closed and his lips parted, constantly releasing moans and breathy versions of Hoseok's name. The other man must really like the friction.

Hoseok imagined it. Of course, he did. The sensual movements, the gorgeous man riding him and moaning from the way it felt. Fuck. 

_ Hypocrite. _

He was, but it wasn't surprising. A few sensual rolls of his hips paired with the tightened grip on the boy's erection sent him over the edge and covered his stomach with the sticky release.

Hyungwon simply gave up holding himself up and let his body fall backwards, knees lifting up and giving Hoseok way more of a sight than he was prepared for. His roommate remained lying on top of him, breathing heavily while covering his eyes with his palm and attempting to recover from the intensity of his orgasm.

"Fuck," the black-haired boy whispered and shook his head. "Why does this feel so good? Fuck."

Maybe Hoseok was crazy. Maybe he was going insane from the sensation inside him, but he simply reached for the boy's entrance and drew circles with his fingers, spreading his own release and feeling how he got hard again. Fuck.

Hyungwon moaned softly and Hoseok could see the boy's thighs flex briefly, but it wasn't in discomfort. All sound of breathing or moans suddenly disappeared as Hyungwon held his breath, waiting for what was going to happen next. 

"Do you… enjoy this?" Hoseok continued carefully, twitching repeatedly like a crazy bastard. The pleasure must have killed his brain cells for good. 

Hyungwon didn't reply, but his body did, muscles contracting and breaths stuttering when the black-haired boy finally released the air he had been holding in his lungs. Hoseok could see how Hyungwon's dick lifted off his body briefly before the boy pulled his thighs together only to spread them again. He must have been embarrassed by his own position and response.

"I… I enjoy touching you like this. Fuck. My brain is going places, you're so stunning." The sight was enough to return his length to its previous hardness and make him want to do so much more. Instead of that, Hoseok carefully stroked over the boy's entrance, circling it and watching the way the firm thighs flexed.

"I- I don't know what to do," Hyungwon whispered and shifted towards him, legs spreading even wider. Hoseok could see the boy's entrance quiver in response to his touches and it caused a whirlwind in his stomach.

"What… would you like to do?" he whispered, preventing himself from sliding his fingers inside.

Hyungwon turned his head to the side, brushing his lips over Hoseok's leg and exhaled roughly. The black-haired boy didn't answer him, only panting and quivering against his fingertips.

_ He won't tell you. _

"Should I stop?" He removed his hand and chewed on his lips, panting loudly and trying to calm himself down. 

This time the boy shook his head, only perceivable because his long hair brushed over Hoseok's skin as he did so, plump lips still exhaling roughly.

_ He liked it. He did. _

Hoseok took a tissue from the bedside table and wiped most of the cum. Removing his legs from under the boy's back, he crawled between his thighs and licked the rest of their release from the boy's entrance, circling it and humming against the sensitive skin. Fuck, the movements were making him dizzy, but it felt so good.

Hyungwon groaned, covering his mouth with his palm and letting his eyes flutter shut. The boy liked it so much, enough to tremble in his hold and attempt to push his ass in his face while lifting his legs. Hoseok loved it, how eager Hyungwon's body seemed while the black-haired boy attempted to keep himself in check and contain the sounds that left his lips. The perfectly straight dick had already filled out as soon as Hoseok licked over the boy's behind.

"Shit, Hoseok," Hyungwon hissed and threw his head to the side, messing up his gorgeous long hair.

"I love this, fuck," he moaned, fueled by the boy's response, and increased his efforts and pressure against the boy's clenching entrance. 

Hyungwon gave up keeping his mouth shut and used his hands to grab the sheets above his head, keeping himself in place as he moaned loudly and pulled his knees closer to his chest, giving Hoseok more access.

He couldn't resist it any longer and pushed his tongue inside, playing with the boy's rim, using his piercing and groaning against his entrance because he was going crazy. 

Hyungwon's whole body convulsed at the way it felt just like the boy's entrance quivered around his tongue, as if inviting him in. The other man was delirious, moaning loudly and rubbing his head over the sheets while his hands tugged at the fistfuls he was holding, the only reason why he stayed in place.

He loved it. Fuck, Hoseok enjoyed it so much. It wasn't because of the plug and how it added up on the sensations. It was because he loved to be the one to make the boy feel like this. He loved the way Hyungwon contracted around his tongue, how he moaned, how his black locks rubbed against the pillow. Hoseok wanted him. All of him. Curling one hand around the boy's hard dick, Hoseok stroked him while his tongue pushed inside his tight body repeatedly, along with his moans that escaped as soon as he was able to make a sound.

_ It feels as if it's you. As if he is feeling like this because it's you. _

"You drive me fucking mad, Hoseok, don't stop," the low voice panted as Hoseok felt a calf rest on his shoulder and urge him on. It didn't take long for the gorgeous boy to orgasm intensely, spilling more release over Hoseok's hand than one would have expected for a second orgasm and trembling in his hands. Hyungwon was so beautiful, breathing with his mouth open and reaching out for him, stroking over his pink hair and attempting to pull him closer.

"Come here," the black-haired boy whispered and tried to convince Hoseok to lie on top of him. "Please come here and kiss me."

He licked his lips and crawled on top of the gorgeous body, wiping his hand on the sheets and hoping that it was okay. As soon as his face hovered over Hyungwon's, he had the sentence at the tip of his tongue again.

_ You are in love with him. You are. But please shut up. _

"I…" He was so close to saying it, but succeeded in remaining silent, lips touching the boy's thick ones in a soft kiss.

"I need you," Hyungwon muttered instead of waiting for his reply and tightly wrapped his arms and legs around him, breathing heavily. "Forgive me for hurting you, I won't do it anymore."

"But… there is nothing that is worse than not being next to you. Not for me," he whispered back and kissed the plump lips again. He felt so much calmer when they were close.

Hyungwon smiled and nodded softly, kissing both of his cheeks.

"Will you embrace me while we sleep then? I also feel better next to you, but it always seems so greedy. You have a life full of responsibilities and I don't want to be another one." The black-haired boy sighed and buried his face in Hoseok's neck. "A responsibility that doesn't even know what it wants."

_ Your life is full of shit. All of it is shit apart from him. _

"Let's nap. You must be so tired," Hoseok whispered in reply and brushed over the boy's long locks that were framing his handsome face. "You are not a responsibility. You are the part of my life that makes me cheerful."

"Then... I'll make sure to stay that part," the boy muttered, voice slightly drowsy and limbs losing the tension with which they wrapped around him. Despite his weight, Hyungwon was falling asleep.

"Mhm," he hummed, knowing that the boy was already asleep. "Please stay."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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"I'm- I'm okay," Hyungwon stuttered into the phone that he had pressed flat against his ear and fought with the signs of anxiety that hit him out of nowhere this time. He never felt anxious when talking to his family, only when he fucked up.

_ And you fucked up. _

"That's good," his father remarked on the other end, not sounding surprised by the fact that he stuttered or that his voice sounded unusually rough. Hyungwon had just returned from a lecture and the professor asked him a question, which ended with him emptying his stomach in the student restroom. It wasn't a particularly good day.

_ Mom probably asked him to call because he hadn’t since you moved in. _

"I know you are good with anatomy, but you should make sure to invest a lot of your time in biochemistry. This is not high school science and you'll see that very quickly, Hyungwon." His father sounded insistent and Hyungwon could easily imagine the way his eyebrows furrowed above a medical journal when he brought home his report card and there wasn't an A for participation in one of the subjects.

_ Because you never said anything in school. _

"I'm studying a lot and I got several extra books for that one. I'm also up to date with my notes in class and I make sure to look things up when they are not explained in detail." He was speaking quickly and his hands felt sweaty. Luckily, his father couldn't see him right now, but he could probably hear how nervous he was, figure out that something was terribly wrong and Hyungwon wasn't the kind of gay man his dad wanted him to be.

"Good. You know that you can come to the clinic for an internship, right? I'd prefer to show you things myself than leave it up to people who haven't seen a patient in years." There was the sound of a cup being placed on a wooden surface and Hyungwon imagined his father's secretary bringing in a cup of coffee while he was sitting in his office chair and talking to his hopelessly gay son.

"Yes, of course dad. I already know the clinic, so I would prefer to go there," Hyungwon answered carefully and kept sitting on his study chair, staring at a few open books and several sketches of Hoseok that he should have hidden far away. One of them was the pink-haired boy working at Starbucks. Hoseok always rolled up his sleeves and the way he smiled at people was mesmerising, so Hyungwon sketched it.

"Good. Just let me know when you are struggling with something and I'll make sure to take care of it. Don't forget to visit, your mother misses you." Hyungwon listened intently and agreed to everything before the phone call ended, but his body continued shaking.

_ He couldn't tell, he was mostly interested in your studies, not your love life. _

His dad had generally not shown a lot of interest in his love life apart from when he announced that he was gay, maybe also because there wasn't much of a love life to be interested in. Hyungwon took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down, to convince himself that there was no way anybody knew what was happening between him and Hoseok.

Sure, he liked some things he didn't think he would, but he also liked things that he should have liked, like- the heat and tightness of Hoseok's body or the way the pink-haired boy moaned his name, erection twitching from whatever that plug was doing to him.

_ You're curious, but this isn't what you should be doing. _

Studying was what he should have been doing. Abandoning all ideas of using Hoseok for another anatomy sketch, Hyungwon opened his biochemistry book and began making notes and creating test questions for himself.

_ If you excel in your studies, he might not be as disappointed about everything else. _

_

His hands were sweating profoundly and no matter how many times Hyungwon wiped them on his jeans, it didn't help. He could already feel the people around him walking past and wondering what a weird creep he was, standing close to a Starbucks and staring inside, but not walking in. 

_ Why can't you just fucking walk in? What's your problem? _

He hated how helpless he felt, how much he wanted to turn right back around and hurry home, hide in the warmth of his bed and hate himself for not being able to say hi to his only friend.

_ It would be easier if he was next to you, but you can't even go when you know he's there? _

Hyungwon had already seen Hoseok's bright hair and even brighter smile as he took orders, noted names on cups and prepared drinks.

_ You could never do a job like that. _

Hyungwon wasn't even sure he could really be a doctor with how much he was afraid of talking to other people. Talking to fellow students was already impossible, not to mention teachers. How the hell was he supposed to talk to patients and even help them?

His eyes followed Hoseok's handsome face for a little longer until he decided to sketch to help with his fear. If he stood there and drew, then nobody was going to think that he was creepy, right?

_ They will because you are drawing somebody without asking. _

Hyungwon took out his notebook and a pencil and began drawing, starting with Hoseok's beautiful face and the way his hair was a little messy in the back from ruffling it up. Then he drew the boy's arms in the middle of writing something and finally the equipment around him. When his heartbeat reached his ears, he added a sketch of himself, standing at the counter and asking for a coffee, without holding onto it tightly and being afraid to talk.

_ It's easier when it is him, isn't it? _

Stuffing his notebook back into his leather bag, Hyungwon closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again and walking those few meters to the entrance. It was a short distance but to him it felt like miles, a long time during which everybody was going to judge him for his nervous walk, the way he grabbed the door handle and the expression on his face.

There was no queue and he was able to walk all the way to the counter. He didn't dare look up, too terrified of what he was going to say, what the words were to order a coffee without being weird. His lungs burned and he wanted to run so much, to turn around and go right back through that door and never return so that nobody in that Starbucks was able to recognise him on the street.

"Oh, hi! I didn't know you were coming. Would you like an iced Americano?" the familiar voice asked.

Hyungwon still didn't look up, taking a few deep breaths and hoping that he was able to force the words out. But it didn't work, so he nodded, knowing that it was a poor excuse for communication.

"Understood! I'll make it for you. Your name is prince handsome, right?" Hoseok's cheerful voice asked.

Hyungwon felt embarrassed and glanced around briefly, scared that somebody might have heard. His hands had already attached to the counter and he was reluctant to let go, wondering why it was so difficult. He wanted to ask Hoseok when he was done with work and if maybe they could go home together, but he couldn't do it. He didn't even answer the question, simply remaining quiet like a brick.

"Would you like to sit down? I'll bring it to you. You will get the best service today." A pale hand appeared in his sight and pointed at a comfortable chair in a secluded corner.

_ Look at him, it'll be easier. _

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and finally raised his gaze, settling on bright pink hair at first before it slipped to the black eyes and Hoseok's prettily curved lips. He had drawn all that only moments ago, but seeing it up close, outside where there were people, felt different. A little bit like he could simply stare and maybe he would be okay.

_ You're attached to him because he's your friend, you can't do things on your own. _

"O-okay," he whispered finally and swallowed. "Will you… will you come to me then?" 

"Mhm. I already told Lisa to replace me because I can't miss the chance to drink coffee with you." A breathtaking smile followed before the boy stepped behind the coffee machine and out of his sight. 

_ Move quickly, there's probably somebody waiting. _

Hyungwon hurried to the table Hoseok pointed out, hoping that there was nothing attention-seeking about him. There was just him, a random dude sitting at a Starbucks, right? Why would people look? He didn't even say anything.

Despite his attempts to calm down he stared at the surface of the table, at the marks that previous customers left on them. At the very center of the table he sat at, there was a small dick drawn with very hairy balls, barely visible because it was just lines pressed into the wood.

_ Oh god, what if somebody thinks you put it there? _

Hyungwon tried not to stare at it and pretend that he didn't see, fumbling with his hands instead and wanting to take out his notebook and look busy, but then somebody might be able to see what he was drawing and think he's weird for drawing men with their arteries out, like some murderer.

The cup was placed on the table in front of him, before the pink hair joined. Black eyes observed him intently, as if knowing what he was thinking.

_ But he can't know, can he? He never saw your drawings, right? God, what if he did? _

Hyungwon stared at Hoseok's face for a bit before deciding that must look creepy and took a sip of his cold coffee, occupying his mouth.

_ Usually people talk when they drink coffee together, Hyungwon. _

Usually, Hoseok would have already talked about chairs, nasty people, weird situations that had happened to him or literally anything else, but he just kept silent, leaving only dark eyes and the unusually piercing gaze. 

_ Why isn't he talking? _

Hyungwon got nervous, taking another sip of his drink even though it was too quickly after the first. He must have looked nervous, Hoseok could probably tell. Of course the pink-haired man could tell, he probably observed him and wondered what was wrong with him, wondering when he would finally say something.

His breaths sped up and he worried about breathing too quickly while not getting enough air, rushing in his ears drowning out every other sound. He had wanted to ask Hoseok, but he couldn't do it, not even when the boy was sitting right in front of him and he managed to walk into the cafe.

Suddenly the boy took his hand and lifted it to his mouth, placing a kiss on it and closing his eyes, keeping the touch of his curved lips.

_ Why is he kissing your hand? Why is he doing it in the middle of a cafe? Won't people stare? _

Hyungwon didn't dare look around and merely stared at the boy's face, at the closed eyes and how carefully he was holding onto his hand.

"W-why?" he forced out and barely contained a wince at how painfully his lungs burned.

"I zoned out I'm sorry," the low voice murmured, before Hoseok returned his palm to the cold table and started playing with his fingers, lip piercing sucked into his mouth. "That's… that's really cool that you came."

_ Why does he sound so unsure? Did you make a mistake? Is he embarrassed because of you? _

Hyungwon felt himself hyperventilate and had a very strong urge to run, to just leave the cafe as fast as possible, leave Hoseok and his discomfort and have a panic attack all by himself, without anybody watching.

"I'm- I must be embarrassing, I must be so embarrassing," he muttered and tried to stand up, feeling dizzy while holding onto his drink so tightly that it was shaking. He needed to leave, make sure he wasn't making Hoseok uncomfortable. He made a terrible mistake by coming.

_ And you even wanted to ask him to go home together. _

"Huh? W-what?" the handsome boy muttered in response and stood up, reaching for his shoulders and trying to look him in the eyes. "I am the embarrassing one. I'm so sorry. Did I make you feel bad? I didn't mean to, please don't leave, I… I'm so sorry, just- don't leave."

_ Is he lying? _

It couldn't be, but Hyungwon couldn't process anything. His hands were shaking and he just wanted to collapse and not feel anything, not the hammering of his heart and not the pain in his lungs from lack of oxygen. Only the desperate look in Hoseok's eyes reminded him that the other man was just as afraid of rejection as he was, constantly taking the blame for things that weren't his fault.

_ He'll leave if you leave, you can't let him leave. _

He sat down and placed the coffee cup on the table, burying his nails in the palm of his hand instead. He didn't know what to say or do, but he focused on the throbbing in his palm and on those black eyes, looking so desperate that it hurt him to watch.

"Are you angry that I came?" he whispered and shut his eyes, taking a few deep breaths as he waited for his answer. "Is that why you weren't saying anything? Your… your smile disappeared."

_ He saw you and it disappeared, even though you said you want to be the good things in his life. _

"No. I just missed you so much that I spaced out while looking at you and then I really wanted to kiss you, but you're probably super conscious of other people and don't want to be seen with me like that, so I took your hand instead and kissed it, but it was wrong too, so I don't know what to do, I'll just play with my fingers instead, just- don't leave please." Hoseok spoke quickly, eyes not leaving his face even for a second.

_ He's scared of doing the wrong thing, just like you. _

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he dared to hold the boy's gaze for longer, trying to find out if it was the truth, if his mind had been playing tricks on him.

"But I'm not afraid of you kissing me, I'm- I'm scared of attention. I don't want people to look at me, independent of whether it's with you or not. I feel better when I'm with you." Hyungwon didn't know if he made sense, if he could explain it to the other boy, but he tried, scared of hurting him with his words. He wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but he couldn't do it, not when there were people in the cafe looking at them.

"I won't do that anymore, I promise. I'll try my best to be a good friend. Did you draw the cafe while you stood outside? You looked deep in concentration. Would you like to show me?" A shy smile appeared instead of the boy's terrified expression and he pulled at the skin of his fingers while waiting for his reply. 

_ He saw you drawing. _

Again Hyungwon couldn't help the hammering in his chest at the knowledge that Hoseok saw him, knew that he stood there for over two hours, watching him and struggling to come in. The pink-haired boy had even seen him draw, knew that there was something in his notebook that could reveal how much Hyungwon liked that smile.

_ He said he won't do it anymore. He won't kiss you anymore. Ever. _

"W-what, why?" he whispered and hated himself for his reaction, for how important it was to him even though they had never agreed that it was a must. "Why won't you… why won't you kiss me anymore? Is it because of last time? Fuck, I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm like this."

"I meant that I won't make you uncomfortable in public anymore. Or did you want me to stop kissing you for good? I… I can't do that. We are just friends, but this feels like a breakup, oh my god," the pink-haired man whispered and he could see a tear run down his pale cheek before another followed. "Fuck." 

_ Oh no, what did you do, Hyungwon? _

His eyes widened and he reached out, grabbing Hoseok's hand and squeezing it tightly. He had to do something, to say something.

"No, please kiss me. Please, please kiss me," he whispered and shut his eyes, feeling his own eyes burn from the sight of the one person he liked the most crying because of him. "I never want you to stop."

“But- but you said that you don’t like it. How am I supposed to do something that I know you don’t like. You will hate me and I don’t want you to hate me. You’re already challenged enough with everything else, you don’t need someone who will make your life hard. I’m supposed to be a friend but I’m more of a burden, right?” The teary eyes focused on him and there were still a few tears rolling down the boy’s cheeks before he removed them with the back of his pale hand.

Hyungwon shook his head furiously, barely able to breathe from the mere thought that Hoseok might decide he is a burden and simply leave, leaving him all by himself again.

_ You wouldn't be able to bear it, you can't be without him around. _

"You- you are the person I like the most, Hoseok. There is nobody on this planet that I like as much as I like you. I love it when you kiss me, my whole body burns when you do. I don't want you to stop doing it, I'm scared of you stopping, just like I'm scared of you leaving. Please, please don't leave and think you are a burden." Again Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut and fought with tears, fingers still holding onto Hoseok's hand like it was his only salvation. "I need you, I need you so much that I hate myself for making you cry."

“I’m so sorry for being dramatic in public but this feels like dying. Thinking that you decided that you don’t want me. I know that it will happen at some point, but it costs me so much effort to distract myself from that thought that it came suddenly and I… I wasn’t prepared at all, even though I should be, I’m not delusional, I-” Hoseok stopped in the middle, glanced away from him and sucked in a long breath, holding it in his lungs and only much later releasing it carefully. When the boy turned back to him he was smiling. Mouth corners lifted up and teary eyes turning into crescents. “I’ll be your friend as long as you need me. I promise!”

Hyungwon watched, he watched the sudden change in mood, the strength with which the pink-haired boy forced himself to smile and even pronounce words that told him Hoseok would do anything, even if it hurt him.

_ How can he be so selfless? Why can't he see that you like him? _

"Let's go home together," he whispered and tugged at the boy's hand again. "Please."

Hyungwon needed to be alone with him, not in public where every word felt attached to his tongue, unwilling to leave. He needed to be alone with Hoseok and tell him somehow, prove to him that he matters, that he never cared this much about another person.

Hoseok looked surprised, but nodded. He could see the boy talking to the tall woman who must be his boss, explaining something, before taking off his apron and going to the back, probably to get his belongings.

Hyungwon waited, playing with his fingers and forcing himself to stay calm. They were going to leave, he wasn't going to be alone, it was going to be fine. He needed to talk to Hoseok, to show the boy that he mattered, that he wasn't going to abandon him.

_ It's more likely that he might abandon you, find somebody who can talk to him in public instead of making him cry. _

Hyungwon hated himself so much for making the boy cry, for destroying the beautiful smile that had been there all the time he watched Hoseok at work. He even drew it before ruining it with his lack of words.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Hoseok, who was standing a meter away from him, observing him and probably waiting for them to finally leave.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled and quickly joined the pink-haired boy, wanting to take his hand but feeling too self-conscious. "Thank you for coming home with me."

“It’s really cool actually, because we never walked home together. I want to show you this really nice tree on the way.” A beautiful smile turned Hoseok’s features into pure sunshine as he beamed at him, providing warmth and looking at him attentively.

_ He's so beautiful, it's breathtaking. _

Hyungwon gasped, simply because of the sight, because of how beautiful Hoseok's smile was.

"That'd- that'd be really nice," he whispered and smiled too. He wanted to hold the boy's hand so badly, to feel it in his own and have it as another sign that he wasn't alone, that there was another person next to him. "I'm sorry for making you cry. I promised to be the reason for your happiness, but I made you cry. Can't I… can't I keep trying? I'll do my best, I promise."

“No, you’re wrong. My mom always said ‘you cry because of yourself and you feel like shit because you are shit. It’s not because of others, it’s because of you’. She is right, so don’t feel responsible! It’s me. I made myself cry because I’m like a fish on the beach, trying to wiggle like an idiot, thinking that my life will change only because I want it to, but the outcome stays the same because the water is too fucking far to reach anyway.” The cheerfulness with which his friend spoke those words was disconcerting, but Hoseok continued smiling as they walked out of the cafe, hands brushing against each other.

Had Hyungwon been anybody else, he could have easily reached out and grabbed the delicate, pale hand. But he was Hyungwon, so he only regretted not doing it while observing the gorgeous boy and thinking about how to prove him wrong.

"You're not shit. You are only convinced that you are because people wrote it over your shell so many times." Swallowing nervously, Hyungwon reached inside his bag and fumbled with his pens until he found a ballpoint pen. "Can I… can I have your hand?" 

“Huh? Sure!” They stopped and Hoseok lifted his hand, waiting for what he was about to do without asking any questions.

Hyungwon reached for the smooth arm and realised that Hoseok still had his sleeves rolled up, just like in his drawing.

_ And you stood at the counter, just like in your drawing. _

That realization made him happy somehow as he clicked the pen and raised it to Hoseok's pale forearm. Licking his lips, he wrote 'you're wonderful and the most important person to me' on it.

_ You're so embarrassing, why would that help him? He probably doesn't even remember your banana metaphor. _

Hoseok swallowed and lifted his gaze, observing him intently while jumping from his eyes to his nose and lips. “I feel like crying the amount of the Atlantic Ocean,” the boy whispered and bit down on his curved bottom lip. “Thank you for still looking at me as if… as if I’m not rotten.”

"Because you're not," Hyungwon whispered, scared that Hoseok was going to cry again. "You only think that you are. To me you are so precious."

The boy stared for a few long seconds, before taking back his hand and slapping his cheeks a few times. It must have been hard because they turned pink and it looked slightly painful. “Don’t say it, Hoseok. Shut up,” the low voice murmured, before he felt warm fingers around his wrist that pulled him along towards an unfamiliar way home.

_ Don't say what? _

Had Hyungwon been anybody else, he would have asked with a smile, wondering what the person he liked the most was so afraid of sharing. But he wasn't, he was his anxious self that desperately held onto the pale hand and hoped that it wasn't anything bad, that it wasn't the other boy's wish to leave. 

They walked for quite some time, but Hyungwon had no idea where they were, gaze focused on setting one foot in front of another and not fall on his face and die from humiliation and embarrassment. What gave him reassurance were the fingers around his wrist, still holding on as if Hoseok knew that he needed the touch.

Suddenly, they stopped at a place surrounded by a few trees and bushes. It seemed completely secluded from the street. He heard talking and people walking by, but there was no way they could see him through the thick leaves. 

Hoseok stepped forward and pushed him against a tree, palms cupping his face and pink tongue licking over the prettily curved lips. Before he could prepare or say anything the warmth spread through his body like liquid fire as the smell of children’s chewing gum entered his nose and he felt hot lips moving against his own, tongue licking into his mouth and the muscular body surrounding him.

Hyungwon gasped, arms almost automatically wrapping around the boy's neck. It reminded him of that secluded pool at the party, a place where nobody could see them and that only Hoseok knew.

_ It's like he always knows a shelter, a place where you can be alone. _

Hoseok knew that he didn't want to be kissed in public, so he purposefully brought him here. Hyungwon was so thankful that he didn't even know what to do except to kiss back with as much enthusiasm as he had and to wrap his right leg around the boy's hips. It wasn't very manly, but nobody could see them, so it was okay.

“I have a small present for you at home. I bought it. I hope that you’ll like it. If not I will take it back, I still have the bill for it in case you don't want it or don't like it so I could give it back to the shop and maybe get something else that you would like more. Not that I didn’t think about what you liked. It seemed like a good present. But what if only I think like that, right? So don’t feel burdened to tell me that you don’t like it, I’m prepared and won’t be sad. Just tell me what you would be more happy about, I guess.” The wordflow only stopped as Hoseok realized that he was talking non-stop and connected their lips again, not getting any air and moving back to inhale sharply. It was a little funny, so Hyungwon couldn't help but chuckle.

"You're the best present, I like you the most," he replied and smiled widely, kissing once he had enough time to inhale. "I'm sure I'll like whatever you got me. It's special because it's from you."

_ It is so difficult for him to earn money, but he purposefully used it to buy you something. It must mean so much. _

Hyungwon couldn't really imagine how difficult it was to earn money, but he saw how exhausted Hoseok was and how desperately he collected the money for his tuition.

“Did you just say that I’m the best present? Oh my god.” Hoseok slapped his cheeks again, shaking his head and exhaling sharply. “Okay. I’m going to remember that. And especially the ‘I like you the most’.” Smiling brightly, the pink-haired boy placed a soft kiss against his lips and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. “Let’s go. I need to know whether you like it or not, my head is killing me.”

Hyungwon only nodded, unable to help his smile at the knowledge that Hoseok planned on remembering two things that were most important to him. Having the warm fingers holding onto his made him so happy that for a brief moment he couldn't believe that he was outside, away from home but still so fucking happy. Of course, he still looked at his feet, mostly terrified to meet someone’s gaze, but the way didn’t seem as long as it would have if Hoseok wasn’t around. 

As soon as they were in the familiar hallway, taking off their shoes, Hoseok let go of him for the first time since he grabbed his hand after they kissed at the tree.

Hyungwon's mind was quick to assume that something was wrong, but the gaze on Hoseok's face didn't really let him. The pink-haired boy seemed excited and at the same time concerned, probably because of the present.

_ You better fucking like it, Hyungwon. _

“It’s in the bedroom. The present, I mean. On the bed. It’s the one with the fat red ribbon. If you don’t like it, maybe you can use it to hit me,” the boy murmured as he walked behind him and pushed him down the hallway until they arrived at his favourite room.

Hoseok seemed really nervous, so Hyungwon did his best to add enthusiasm to everything he did, starting with his rather forceful way of opening the door and ending with way too loud steps as he entered the bedroom. His eyes scanned the room until they settled on a big, white pillow with a red ribbon around it.

"I know that it's kinda weird, but I thought about the things you like and realized that you really like being in bed and you always snuggle your pillow and use it to calm down and cover yourself with it, so I was at that place that sells quality stuff and the worker there told me you would like it, so I bought it." The boy sighed and walked towards the bed, taking the pillow and hugging it tightly. "I might just take it if you don't like it."

_ He must have put so much thought into this. _

Hyungwon furiously thought about how to show how much he liked it, to explain that it was the best pillow ever and he was never going to sleep with another pillow. But all of his words usually ended up scrambled and Hoseok could misunderstand, so he decided to do it the way the pink-haired boy would have done it.

He threw himself on the bed and buried his face in the pillow Hoseok was holding on to and wrapped his arms around the muscular boy. Sure, he kinda hit his forehead against the boy's fingers, but he could ignore that pain and accept his sufficiently enthusiastic response that was better than anything he could have said.

"I love it," he muttered and hoped that Hoseok could hear. "Never gonna sleep with anything else ever, except for you."

"Oh my god, really? You're never going…wait, did you just say that you were going to sleep with me? Now? Or… or in general?"

_ And that's why you shouldn't talk. _

Hoseok didn't say anything for a few seconds, but he felt the boy's hand on top of his head, stroking over his hair gently. "I'm… I'm so happy that you like it."

"I like it a lot," he replied and finally lifted his head, unwilling to let go of Hoseok and the pillow. It felt like the other man had given him a part of himself that he was meant to keep. "What I said before… I just meant that I also really enjoy having you around me when I sleep. I'd… love to sleep on the pillow and with your arms around me, but of course I also like… doing other things with you and if you want to sleep with me then- yeah."

Hoseok stared down at him without revealing any of his thoughts, before the low voice finally broke the silence. "Having you in my arms when I sleep is the only time I feel at ease because it seems as if I'm not alone. When I have nightmares and wake up at an ungodly hour, I usually listen to your calm breaths and then fall asleep again. I've never felt like this before."

_ He's suddenly so closed up, as if his thoughts are a treasure you're not meant to see. Did something happen? Maybe it is because of what happened last time after all. _

"You… Do you have nightmares? I didn't know." Hyungwon suddenly felt bad for not knowing as he imagined Hoseok waking up in the middle of the night feeling terrible. "You can… wake me up and I'll hug you and stroke over your head. That's what my mom always did back then. What… what do you dream about?"

_ God, that was when you were a kid. You sound like a wimp again. _

"Is it really okay to wake you up? But I also like to watch you when you sleep. You look so calm and beautiful." A smile passed over the boy's features before he sighed and brushed back his pink bangs that fell back on his forehead. "Your mom sounds nice. My parents were mostly the reason for my nightmares, so I don't know what it feels like. But I know what it feels like to have you in my arms and it's the best feeling I've ever experienced. Ah and I also really loved rimming you. It was the first time for me, so I hope I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry if I did."

_ Is that it? Was he worried about doing it wrong while you were beating yourself up over enjoying it too much? _

Hyungwon shook his head and chewed on his lips, deliberating furiously to not say anything wrong.

"No, you- you did really well. I was super dizzy because it felt that good. I'm sorry for not telling you what I wanted, I was too ashamed." His eyes widened at the realization that Hoseok might ask and he quickly sat up and wrapped his arms around the boy's waist. He had to change the topic. "You should definitely wake me up, because then I'll show you what it's like to be hugged after a nightmare. You can tell me about it and I'll tell you that it won't happen anymore and that you're with me now."

Hoseok grabbed his face and kissed him briefly. 

"I will. Please don't think that I will judge you, I would've literally done anything you asked for because I wanted you so much… so so much. I touch myself and don't even have to imagine much, I just recall the way you looked and… god, I'm very much whipped for you."

_ You know he won't judge you, but you are still scared. _

"Me too," Hyungwon admitted softly and rested his forehead on Hoseok's shoulder, enjoying the sweet scent that always clung to the boy's clothes because he washed them with flower soap instead of detergent.

"I don't want to shower, I want the writing to stay," the boy whispered as he stroked over his own arm, the words that he wrote on the pale skin with a ball pen.

"It's okay," Hyungwon whispered and leaned in to kiss the writing. It was some of the truest words he had ever written. "I'll write them for you as often as you like. Every morning if you want me to."

"Why are you so nice to me?" Hoseok's dark eyes focused on him, vulnerability noticeable in the familiar expression and the nervous gestures that accompanied the boy's words.

"Because you are the person I like the most," Hyungwon replied and hoped that it wasn't too burdening, that it didn't make Hoseok feel like he had to stay next to him even if he didn't want to, simply because Hyungwon was going to be a wreck without him. "And because you deserve it. I told you that to me you are the epitome of beautiful, no matter what people wrote on your skin. I'll write the truth as often as I have to."

"Thank you so much," the boy whispered and buried his face in his lap. "I'm so sorry for crying in public and everything and I'm happy that you didn't tell me to stop kissing you, because it felt like dying, Hyungwon. I'm telling you this and I know that you will be burdened by it, but still I do because I can't shut up and I'm so sorry for not being a good friend. I know all that, I do, but I still like you too much to do anything about it, to leave or to have the courage to bear the discomfort of being alone."

_ He's so desperate… so many of his worries are yours, but why can't he understand that you feel the same way? _

"The thought of you leaving feels like dying to me," he replied softly and hated himself for attaching chains to Hoseok's ankles with his words. "I almost cried too when I thought you didn't want to kiss me anymore, simply because it feels like I can't really exist without you next to me anymore, without your reassurance and your lips against mine. You're not only a good friend, Hoseok, you're my best friend, the only person I really need. If the universe was about to end and I had to choose a person to stay with, I'd choose you, because you make me feel happy. I know this sounds cheesy and like a shitty Disney movie, but that's how I fucking feel."

Hyungwon threw his head back and blinked a few times, staring at the ceiling while hoping that gravity was going to help with his emotional outburst.

"I want you to kiss me until I can't think," Hoseok whispered and looked up at him, mouth parted and eyes searching for something in his gaze. "Please."

Hyungwon didn't reply, there was no need for words as they couldn't express any more than they already did. He wrapped an arm around Hoseok's waist and stroked along the boy's jaw with his other before leaning in and kissing those curved lips, tasting them with his tongue and imagined all his thoughts slowly fading into nothing.

Hyungwon doubted that there was something Hoseok could ask for that he would deny. The pink-haired boy already seemed to own all of him.

***

_ You are breaking the rules and he can see it. _

Hoseok rubbed soap into his cheeks in a fruitless attempt to clean his face and his thoughts from the fact he was hopelessly in love with his roommate. With someone who liked him as a friend, trusted him to do the same, but who he disappointed by breaking the rules and making him uncomfortable.

_ He feels bad because of your way of looking at him. You can't help staring. _

The tattoo burned on his arm in funny handwriting and beautiful words that Jooheon put under his skin without a comment. The blonde man must have understood what it meant to him. How good it felt to have it inked on his skin forever, even if the feelings were subject to change.

_ Even if he changes his mind, that's what he thought about you at some point and you will keep it with you forever, like a bandaid over your scars. _

It was morning but he hadn't seen Hyungwon yet because the boy was still asleep when he returned. The handsome black-haired man was cuddling the pillow that he bought and looked so beautiful that he couldn’t keep himself from watching him like a creep. Only when the boy turned around, did he leave the bedroom and took a shower, washing his clothes and his face with cold water to stop thinking about the beautiful black-haired figure, lying in bed and dreaming.

Hoseok didn’t expect to hear a key in the lock, turning and letting someone enter the apartment. He was ready to fight, but a pleasant female voice made him freeze on the spot and press his ear against the bathroom door instead.

“Hyungwon, baby, it’s mom. I got you some strawberries like you wanted,” the woman who must be the boy’s mother said and walked into the apartment, going towards the bedroom as her steps indicated. Hoseok felt his heart start beating faster. He didn’t like parents because parents hated him. His parents and Jooheon’s parents, so the anxiety spiked up, making his legs feel like jelly and forcing him to sit on the cold tiles. Pressing his ear closer against the door, he could hear the boy’s voice but not what he said.

“... oh, did you have guests? Whose clothes are those? Those shoes look as if someone wore them for ten years without washing them.”

_ Three. Three years. _

It wasn’t surprising. It really wasn’t. Parents hated him. He should have walked out, but all his clothes were wet and he was stark naked, wearing a towel. He couldn’t meet Hyungwon’s mom like that.

“Oh my god, are you letting someone live with you? For free? Did you lose your mind, Hyungwon? People like that only want your money. Have you checked your wallet? He might have taken money or your credit card.”

His head hurt and he held his breath, trying to suffocate right there to not be forced to hear the same things all over again, but of course it didn’t work. Instead the headache got worse and Hyungwon’s mother moved to the living room, giving him no opportunity to miss what she was saying.

“Of course you like him, because you are nice and friendly, but people use it, Hyungwon. If he was a decent person he would have declined living at your place for free or would have at least given you an appropriate amount as compensation, but looking at his clothes and shoes he won’t ever be able to give you anything. He just takes what you are offering because you are an angel. That’s not what friendship is about. Friendship is about give and take. Please tell him to leave. I feel uncomfortable knowing that you are staying in the same apartment as someone like that. I can call someone to throw him out if it’s hard for you, but let’s talk about it in the car. Dad is waiting with breakfast.”

He didn’t sob. At least that. But his tears stained his cheeks, the floor, everything. It felt so painful, but not because Hyungwon’s mom was mean. It hurt because she had a fucking point. They always did. 

He closed his ears, not wanting to hear what Hyungwon would say because it would have broken his heart into tiny little pieces, only the shuffling and the door falling into the lock made him remove his palms. Staring at the pink towel around his hips, Hoseok watched how his tears fell down on the fabric, disappearing in it as if he wasn’t crying in the first place. He looked around the stunningly designed room with big, white tiles, at the shampoo bottles and the two toothbrushes that stood next to each other in the big cup. Not even the toothbrush was his. Hyungwon had gotten it on Amazon after he moved in and threw away his old one.

_ You don’t belong here. _

Sitting there, on the cold floor and looking around, he understood why it felt like a fairytale all along. He didn’t belong here. He was a foreign entity that managed to somehow infiltrate the prince’s life, his apartment, his routine and even his body. Still, he didn’t belong. He belonged next to people who treated him the way he was used to. Who didn’t care whether he was hurt and who knew that he was rotten. Rotten with a tattoo on his arm that said the opposite. Like a rebel that couldn't accept the truth.

He forced himself to smile as he lifted from the floor and packed the wet clothes into his sports bag, hoping that Hyungwon wouldn’t hate him for using one of his plastic bags, but then again, the gorgeous man was probably happy that he left by himself, without having to tell him. 

_ He doesn’t like talking. You know that. _

The fact that the apartment felt the same after he had collected all his belongings was an additional confirmation that it wasn’t his place. He was allowed to be a guest for a long time and he should’ve been happy and thankful instead of ripping apart from the inside.

_ You can’t go to Jooheon, can you? _

He couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. Placing his hand on the soft pillow, Hoseok couldn’t resist and kissed it, sucking in Hyungwon’s scent that filled his nose just like the boy’s presence had filled his mind with good things only.

_ In the end, you couldn’t even behave like a real friend. _

Sighing in resignation, because there was nothing he could do about it anymore, Hoseok took his bag, threw it over his shoulder and slipped into his fucked-up shoes. Hyungwon’s mother had judged him accurately. If he was a decent person he wouldn’t have come in the first place.

_ The banana is rotten, no matter what it says on the peel. _

***

His steps were heavy on the staircase, resembling the sound of a wet rag rubbing over a stone. Maybe it sounded like it because he surely felt like a wet rag instead of a human with two legs and the ability to lift his leather shoes away from the steps.

Hyungwon could have also taken the elevator, but it seemed like there would be more time to prepare himself, to think of the right words and the appropriate arguments to explain to the pink-haired boy why his parents weren't exactly positive, but that it would be okay.

_ You hate confrontations. _

There weren't many things Hyungwon hated more than confrontations, especially when they were unavoidable and with people that he cared about. His parents weren't terrible humans, they just couldn't understand. Hoseok was so many things that his mother disliked, but he was also so many things that she liked in people.

_ If only she knew. _

Hyungwon's mother had always disliked people that didn't look taken care of, assuming that it was either their choice or their fault, but it wasn't either for Hoseok. The pink-haired man hadn't wished himself into the situation and he had done so many things to escape it and to improve.

_ He even struggled to accept your gifts because he didn't think that he deserved them. _

Hyungwon's head hurt from arguing over breakfast, from trying to put his thoughts into words even though he was so bad at it. His father hadn't said a single word until the end of the discussion, asking him if he was doing it to 'live out his gay urges'. Hyungwon loved his father, he respected him for his expertise and his quick wit, but he had never felt that hurt by a single sentence. His own father assumed that he was a person like that, somebody who toyed with people for sexual gratification and if it wasn't serious then it was okay.

_ But he's your fucking friend. _

Hyungwon rarely opposed a decision his parents made for him. After all they often knew better, they had more experience, they’ve lived longer. A lot of his problems were solved because his mother squeezed his cheek and took him by the hand to take care of it. It felt wrong to yell at them that they were wrong and had no idea about Hoseok. So he didn't, he stayed perfectly calm on the outside while pulling every reason for Hoseok being valuable from his lips like a magic spell. He hated that he had to do it, that he had to turn Hoseok the person into some abstract entity that had a use and was beneficial to him, but there was no other way to convince them.

_ Because they only understand that he helps you with your anxiety and it works because they feel guilty that they can't anymore. _

Arriving in front of his apartment door, Hyungwon hesitated even though he hated standing in the hallway, feeling anxious when he did. He didn't care to go in yet, to tell Hoseok that his parents see him as Hyungwon's babysitter who helps him to shop and get coffee instead of really being his friend.

_ You said he's your friend, but they don't really understand what you see in him beyond the help. _

Hoseok didn't know, but Hyungwon felt guilty about his own words, for using the fact that Hoseok was selfless as an argument for his worth. It made him sound like a terrible person, a person he didn't want to be.

_ But you also want to see him. _

Taking out his key, he opened the front door and slipped inside. His routine was the same, putting the key back into the back pocket of his jeans and slipping out of his leather shoes. He had put even more effort into his clothes because of meeting his parents.

Hyungwon waited, expecting the usual pink head to peek out from the living room or the kitchen, but there was nothing. Not even the shower was running even though Hyungwon couldn't think of a reason for Hoseok to be gone at this time.

_ Maybe he has an extra shift at work because you asked him to leave early last time. _

Hyungwon's breaths sped up and his mind was jumping from one possibility to the other. There was no reason to panic, especially since Hoseok was rarely home, but that didn't matter to his anxiety. It was the mere possibility that something could be wrong, that Hoseok might have decided something for himself that Hyungwon had no influence on.

His steps sounded unusually loud in the hallway and he turned around automatically, caught off guard by the echo in the spacious apartment. That was when he saw them, peacefully lying on the drawer close to the door. A set of keys, so strategically placed that one might have thought they were forgotten there, right before leaving the house. The only problem was that it couldn't be, it couldn't fucking be that Hoseok forgot them.

_ Because he never lets go of them, not even when he's home. _

Hyungwon's chest burned and he barely got any air, legs carrying him to the bedroom without any realization of how he crossed the distance or what he was even doing. He ripped open the wardrobe and started pushing his own clothes aside, looking for the one pair of jeans that was always in place, or the socks that lay right below his underwear or the one pink towel Hoseok loved to use and kept with his things. There was nothing, empty space next to his own clothes.

_ No, no, no, no. _

He panicked and ran to the bathroom, looking for the clothing rack, but it was empty. There were no clothes hanging on it, not a single item that could have belonged to Hoseok. The simple, overused sports bag that the pink-haired man had come with wasn't in the hallway either. It was gone, all of it was gone.

_ Just like him, he's gone. _

Hyungwon's lungs constricted and he fell to the floor, breathing heavily but not getting enough oxygen. His whole body burned and slowly all sense of his body dissipated, like it was turning numb, just like with a heart attack. Thick drops of sweat were collecting and dripping down onto the floor.

_ Are you dying? Are you dying because he left? _

His thoughts were rushing, but they didn't make sense. He had chest pain, a headache, and numbness in his arm that wouldn’t go away no matter what he tried to do. He couldn't breathe and his thoughts couldn't focus on a single coherent thing, there was nothing he could do, either to bring the other boy back or to stop his own suffering. He was helpless, fucking helpless on his own.

Tears began spilling from his eyes, soaking his clothes and hands that he pressed to his face in the hope to feel something, to snap out of it and be himself again, to do something to have Hoseok return. It must have been a misunderstanding, Hoseok must have left because he misunderstood.

_ Or you made a mistake, you definitely made a mistake and now he's sick of it. He's fucking sick of you now. _

A desperate sob left his throat and Hyungwon just wanted it to stop, he wanted to faint and not feel the pain in his chest, the hot tears in his eyes and the thoughts in his head, constantly circling around the same thought, the same fact.

_ He left, he left and you are helpless and can't even leave the house. _

Hyungwon hated his condition so much, he hated his parents for coming when he could have been at home and maybe stopped Hoseok. At least he had the hope that he might have been able to.

_ You begged him to stay and he still left. _

The tears just didn't stop as his head continued spinning and he felt like emptying out his stomach right on the hallway floor.

His heart sounded like a drum in his ears and his lungs kept burning with lack of oxygen.

He didn't know how long it took for the numbing feeling in his arm to subside and the feeling of imminent death to fade away, move to the background and only leave the pain in his chest that seemed to have come to stay.

Laying on the ground with tears covering his face, sweat soaking his clothes and the knowledge that he was all alone again circulating in his mind, Hyungwon had only one wish.

That he had actually died this time.

***

Hoseok took out the few shirts, trunks and the black ripped jeans out of the dryer and stuffed everything into his sports bag, throwing it over his shoulder in an automatic movement and leaving the laundromat. It cost money again. It did, but there was no way he could run around in super dirty clothes for days.

_ Look how fast you got used to the fact that you could wash everything at his place. Expecting for it to be for free and dry it on the heating while he took care of you. _

The days passed but the feeling inside his chest didn’t. It stayed the same, burning, ripping like skin but at the same time… hollow. Hoseok never thought about it, but he must not only be rotten. He must have been empty from the start and only temporarily filled with worth, with care and affection he didn’t deserve before it disappeared and left his useless skin. His skin that said that he was wonderful and someone’s most important person. 

_ It says ‘my’. My most important person. _

Hoseok wished he could have said it about himself. That he was his own most important person, but he was only too cowardly to stop existing, there was not much self-love behind that. On the other hand he was a selfish bastard, using the only person that started being nice to him, allowing him close, giving him a roof over his head and so… so much affection. He could have tried not to ruin it, but no matter how much he thought about it, he shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Not in the beautiful, spacious apartment filled with nice things that Hyungwon shared with him without saying a single word, without giving him any rules and without punishing him for breaking them. There had only been one rule. The one he immediately broke.

_ You can’t handle the slightest discomfort. How did you survive until now? _

When he walked past the tree where Hyungwon had seen him with his headphones, his breath stuck in his throat and he had to stop for a bit. At those times he was thankful for the discomfort in his lower body that distracted him from the pain in his chest. From the feeling that he couldn’t get enough air, no matter how many times he inhaled. From the feeling that no matter what he was worth before, he was worth absolutely nothing without the black-haired man next to him.

_ But you did well leaving. At least that. _

He should have left a long time ago. No- he shouldn’t have gone in the first place. Leave the beautiful prince in his palace and take what life had planned for him. At least he paid his tuition.

_ Isn’t worth much if you have no time to go to lectures because you have to work more to pay him rent money. _

Why couldn’t he just accept his fate? Why did he continuously think about it? Was he so greedy that he got used to being treated nicely for once, expecting the same one-time experience to continue endlessly? 

_ His mom said it. He is too nice. _

The thought made him smile because it was true. Hyungwon was too nice.

_ Too nice to you. Too nice for you. As a friend, as a stranger, it doesn’t matter. _

His breathing sped up once again when he arrived at his workplace, glancing around in the ridiculous hope to see the black-haired man, but there was no reason for him to come. Why would he come? Hoseok had left the expensive phone and the headphones in the drawer next to the bed, the keys and the toothbrush. There was nothing Hyungwon might have wanted from him anymore. There was no worth hidden anywhere in the pockets of his jeans. He was just Hoseok with pain in his lower body and with too much air in his lungs. Too much to stop breathing.

_ He won’t come. Not for you. _

***

_ Why isn't it getting easier? _

It was always the same routine, familiar, repetitive. Hyungwon should have been used to it by now, after all he's been living it for the past eighteen years. Why were a few months able to make such a difference?

His mother would have said that owning things could make a difference because one could buy something that makes one feel better. But it didn't fucking matter, because he couldn't buy a friend and he couldn't buy Hoseok.

_ You are fucking helpless. _

He was a wreck, barely managing to force himself to his lectures, only because he didn't want his parents to become suspicious, to find out what happened after he had explained to them how much he needed Hoseok to stay with him. It would have only convinced them of their prejudice, of Hoseok running away even though it was Hyungwon that must have hurt him somehow. There was no way of the pink-haired man leaving just like that, he wouldn't have without a proper reason.

_ You must have given him one with your wrong attempts at friendship, expecting him to be close and even hurting him in the process. _

Hyungwon hated himself for every single mistake he made while the beautiful man blessed him with his presence and smile. Of course he should have known that it wouldn't last, but he had been too hopeful, too mesmerised by how open and truthful Hoseok was. There was no way that somebody like that would stay around, waste their life time on Hyungwon's problems instead of reaching so much more, finding a person that was able to give more than Hyungwon was, more than just a place to stay and a hug.

_ You're pathetic, thinking that it would be enough to keep a friend. _

He hated thinking about it because it made everything harder. He struggled to go out even more, scared that he was going to make even worse mistakes, to hurt more people and be hurt. He had been able to upset somebody as forgiving as Hoseok, how could he even think that talking to anybody else was going to work out?

He was pathetic for being unable to forget his attachment, for living like a shell of himself even though he had always been living behind the shell anyways.

_ You hated showing your inside, so why is it so difficult now? Return to your hideout like the coward you are. _

Hyungwon was a coward, a coward that got attached and couldn't let go, even though he was the one who chased the person away, forcing them to leave in the end. It was the reason he never had friends in high school. As soon as somebody showed the slightest interest he freaked out and stopped talking, making them feel unwelcome.

_ You must have done the same. You hid your thoughts from him, unwilling to share how much you like something. _

His steps carried him along the familiar path all on their own, stepping next to a familiar tree that he leaned against, forcing himself to keep it together. He couldn't count the amount of times he cried, missing Hoseok in his kitchen, in his hallway, on the sofa smiling, in his bed embracing him. All of it felt infiltrated by the pink-haired boy and his safe space felt even less like a safe space than it did before Hoseok came into his life.

His eyes lifted only hesitantly, struggling to not look at all the passersby that might have been staring at him, wondering why he always stood under a tree and stared inside a cafe. He couldn't help it, not when it was the only way to see the boy, to look for the familiar smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

_ Because you took it away from him. _

Hyungwon wanted to cry again, but it was unfair towards Hoseok. He was the one who forced the boy to leave, so who was he to cry?

He pulled out his notebook as he had over the past few days. He only came when it started getting dark and he wouldn't stick out with his slim frame. He could barely see the lines of the pencil on the paper, but it was enough. After all, he was going to rip out the page and throw it into the garbage afterwards, as he did with the past few drawings. It wasn't the same anymore, because he hurt Hoseok and he could see. He could see it and he drew it to show himself how much he fucked up, before ripping it and hoping that his feelings could be discarded in the garbage can along with the ripped pieces.

_ But it never works, that's why you keep coming back, hoping that he can forgive you. _

There was no point in hoping because it was impossible. To be forgiven one needed to ask for forgiveness, but how could he without the ability to talk.

_ At least a mute person has an excuse, what the fuck is yours? _

He didn't have one. There was no excuse. There were only him and his irrational fear.

“Is this therapy?” an unfamiliar voice asked right next to him, delicate finger pointing at his notebook and a pencil stroke that was supposed to become Hoseok’s arm. “I think he needs it more than you though."

Hyungwon panicked, not expecting a conversation, and pulled his notebook to his chest as his head lifted involuntarily, looking at the person in front of him. There was blonde hair, perfectly styled up and revealing a handsome round face. The man’s eyes looked interesting, intense in a way, slightly widened and staring at him. After a few seconds he recognized the man that had accompanied Hoseok to the pool party and tried to pull him away from Hyungwon.

_ Jooheon, this must be Jooheon. _

Hoseok had mentioned his friend often enough, but Hyungwon had never had the chance to meet him apart from at the party. The problem was that he wasn't prepared and that he was an emotional wreck.

_ He must hate you for hurting Hoseok so much. _

He couldn't say anything, so he didn't, merely staring at his feet and hoping that the situation would be over soon. His heartbeat sped up and he purposefully took a few deep breaths, scared of having an attack right in front of Hoseok's cafe. He didn't want the boy to see, to have to deal with him again after leaving.

“Hoseok didn’t describe you as someone who just ignored people, but fine. There must have been a reason for him to abandon all reasoning and go back to his asshole boyfriend. I hope you are happy now. However, if you are happy, why the fuck are you standing here and drawing then? Is it a thing? Does it give you satisfaction to know that he runs around with your stupid quote on his arm and cries everytime I want to talk to him about this? I shouldn’t have tattooed it, god, I’m so weak.” The other man was scary, staring at him and talking nonstop.

Hyungwon really wanted to keep his breaths steady but he wasn't able to, breathing quicker as he knew that he had to say something. He couldn't stay quiet when the guy in front of him assumed that he didn't care, that he was happy about Hoseok's misery. He wasn't, he could never be happy about Hoseok being devastated, but how the hell was he supposed to say it?

_ You won't be able to say anything and he'll tell Hoseok that you don't care. _

There were so many explanations in his head, but all of them mingled and none of them moved past his internal blockage to his lips, causing them to tremble instead of speaking. He couldn't look away anymore either, he was looking at Hoseok's friend and couldn't say a single word, knowing that Hoseok was crying and even went back to his ex-boyfriend, the one who hurt him and slept with him even though he didn't like it.

_ It's your fault, he went there because you made him leave. _

The thought hurt so much that Hyungwon felt like he was about to suffocate right there, with a hand around his neck that pressed down mercilessly. He gasped for air, but it was only getting worse.

_ He cries because of you, he said he cries because of you all the time. _

His eyes burned and he reached out to hold onto the tree, dropping his notebook and pencil to the ground.

"I didn't want him to leave," he gasped suddenly, eyes blurring with water as his breathing frequency got so fast that he felt close to fainting. "I- I didn't."

“Uh- you- are you okay? I know that you have your side of the story, but I only see him suffering because of you. I fucking knew that I couldn’t trust the stories about how nice you are, look… god… just fucking look at him now. Why would you offer him stuff only to drop him? Do you have an idea about him? He’s… he’s a sensitive person, okay? He gets hurt all the fucking time but it doesn’t mean that he’s made of stone. He is even more hurt after all this time. Fuck.” The blonde man groaned and lifted his hands, holding onto his head and shaking it.

Hyungwon couldn't make sense of the words anymore, they only mixed into something he already knew. Into the knowledge that it was his fault and there was nothing, he could do. Hoseok was miserable because of him and got hurt, so hurt that his friend was worried about him.

_ You must have broken him with what you did. You did it, definitely. _

Hyungwon's lungs burned so much that he couldn't get enough air and his head felt like it was being split in two. His hands were sweaty and he could feel his clothes stick to him all over despite the previously cool air. He was in public and they were all going to see, but he couldn't do anything. He fell to the ground, right on his knees, but he couldn't feel them, he barely felt anything apart from chest pain and the constant burning. There was rushing in his ears and he had no idea what the other man was saying anymore, if he was even talking to him.

_ You must be dying, now you're definitely dying and everybody is going to see you. _

He felt hands around his shoulders, squeezing and shaking him, words that were directed at him but that he couldn’t understand before both sensations disappeared and there was nothing apart from loud voices and steps.

Hyungwon covered his ears with his hands, feeling tears run down his nose bridge as he couldn't hold himself upright anymore and lay down on the cold concrete, listening to the sound of steps, knowing there were people around. There were so many people around and he was lying on the ground. They were going to make fun of him, he wouldn't be able to go to the cafe again. He wouldn't be able to see Hoseok again.

Suddenly there were hands around him, this time pulling him up against warmth, familiar low voice repeatedly telling him to hold his breath. It felt like a hazy dream, one in which somebody pulled him out, just like out of a lake.

He tried, but his breaths stuttered and he continued not getting enough air. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried again, holding it this time as his heartbeat hammered in his ears, louder than anything else. When he couldn't take it anymore, he exhaled, only to hold it again as the low voice told him to.

“Exactly, you are doing amazing! Now, again.” He could feel the warmth of the arms around him with each passing second that he didn’t inhale, realizing that he was being embraced.

His thoughts were hopeful, but it didn't make sense. Maybe he died after all.

Hyungwon tried again, holding his breath as the pain in his lungs slowly reduced and he finally felt his fingers that were wrapped tightly around somebody's arm, so tightly that it hurt when he let them go, muscles burning. The feeling in his legs returned too just like the rushing in his ears subsided. His heartbeat was still hammering inside his head, but it wasn't that bad anymore. It was… almost okay again.

There were drying tears on his face and he sniffed before attempting to wipe them with his sleeve. He didn't want anybody to see him like this. He wanted to be hidden away from everybody, unrecognizable. He really wanted to be invisible.

“Holy shit, what just happened?” he heard the voice of Hoseok’s friend before someone close to him shushed him. The person that embraced him pulled him closer and he felt a hand stroke over his hair carefully. His face was pushed into a warm neck which turned him away from the outer world.

_ You must be dreaming. _

Hyungwon still kept holding his breath to make sure he was okay while burying his face against the warm skin. It felt too good to be true, the familiar scent of children's bubble gum. Hyungwon knew it so well that he could have conjured it from his memory, reconstructed it just to hurt himself by imagining it was real.

"I missed you," he whispered because it was okay to talk to somebody who he dreamt up. It was easier like he wasn't there in the first place. Maybe he really faded away, only to dream of having Hoseok's arms around him again.

“Did you get scared? Jooheon seems scary, right? But it’s… it’s only if you don’t know him. If you get to know him better he is the sweetest baby. He even has dimples, they are really pretty. Are you… are you feeling better? Should I let go of you?” the painfully familiar voice spoke again, right next to his ear and supported by the careful irregular exhales against his skin.

_ Does he want to let go of you? _

Hyungwon shook his head furiously and wrapped his arms around the muscular neck, overwhelmed by how right and real it felt. Like this nobody could see him, he was hidden in the embrace, even if people looked.

_ It feels real because it is real. He is close, Hyungwon. It's him. _

He gasped, but instead of letting go as he should have, he only tightened his grip, terrified that as soon as he was okay again Hoseok was going to move away. There was no way that the pink-haired boy would stay longer than necessary. He must have had pity on him for collapsing in the middle of the street and scaring off the customers.

"Don't let go," he whispered and hated the desperation in his voice. He had no right. "Please, don't let go. Please don't leave. I'm so sorry, I must have done something terrible to make you leave."

_ You don't even know what it is, that's how ignorant you are. _

There was nothing, not even a single word, but Hoseok didn’t let go of him either, still stroking over his hair and breathing against his skin. “I hope you didn’t get scolded by your parents a lot. It was better after I left, right? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come in the first place. I didn’t take anything along accidentally, or did I? I’m also sorry for Jooheon. He… he does weird things because he likes me.”

First it didn't make sense why Hoseok would suddenly talk about his mother, but the conversation in his apartment before they went for breakfast appeared in his mind. The one when his mother said all those mean things about the pink-haired man.

_ He heard, he must have heard what your mother said. _

Hyungwon's breaths got stuck in his throat this time, instead of becoming unbearable. He tightened his grip on Hoseok, too scared that he was going to run away while he was struggling to put his thoughts into words. He had to explain it somehow, this was the misunderstanding he had wanted to solve in the first place.

"I- I told them that you are going to stay with me," he whispered, words barely leaving his lips because he was so scared of Hoseok's reaction. What if he got it wrong? What if it wasn't even about his parents? "I told them that I need you and that you are my only friend, so… they agreed to accept it for as long as it helps me."

_ Again you sound like you are using him, as if it's only about you needing him and not him having a choice to leave. _

"It was terrible after you left." He didn't want to say it, but his lips let it out while his eyes watered and he quickly pressed his head to Hoseok's shoulder again, hoping that it was going to stop. It had to stop because he had no right after making Hoseok miserable.

“W-what? But… but she was right about everything she said, she… she had a point and…” Hoseok swallowed and he felt how the boy’s hands tightened in the fabric of his jacket. “Did Jooheon tell you that I’m not okay? I am, I am… okay. I’m always okay and smiling and running around with my pink hair and ugly shoes.”

_ He's lying to you. What if he doesn't want to be next to you and you keep stealing his reasons? _

"But I love your pink hair and your shoes," Hyungwon muttered, not understanding how Hoseok could think his mother's prejudiced opinion was right while attempting to lie to Hyungwon and say that he was happy. He wasn't happy and every single page that Hyungwon drew on that week screamed it at him. There must be something else, something that Hyungwon didn't know. "She's not right. You're wonderful and I need you. Can't you see what a wreck I am? You're holding it. Of course she agrees if it means she doesn't have to see me like this."

_ Because it's pathetic, just like your dad said. You're acting like a wimp and he would have preferred you exploring your sexuality. _

"But I'm not a good friend. Wouldn't you… aren't you better off without me? It makes me sad to see you in pain, but I'd rather see you like this than not see you at all." Hoseok's voice was so quiet that he almost missed the last sentence.

_ He's trying so hard. _

"I feel like dying without you," Hyungwon whispered, upset with himself for being truthful, for not letting Hoseok have his excuses. "But I understand that you don't want to deal with somebody like me. That's the real reason you left, isn't it? And now I'm forcing you to talk to me because I'm such a mess in front of your fucking cafe."

"I… will try to find a different place to stay and then… I will visit you if you'll invite me. I… I really want to be the friend you deserve, but right now I'm just…" 

"God, shut the fuck up, Hoseok. Leave that abusive bastard and come to my place, I don't care what mom says. This is ridiculous. Then you can visit him as much as you like. What is this? Just date already and stop crying into each other's clothes in the middle of the street. I'm going crazy, for fuck's sake." Hoseok's friend grabbed their shoulders and shook them furiously. Hyungwon got so startled that he accidentally scratched over Hoseok's arm and apologised profoundly. The confirmation that Hoseok was with the man that hurt him drove him mad and made his blood boil, but Hyungwon knew that he couldn't do anything, not if it involved human interaction.

_ You can only take care of him, but he doesn't want that. He wants to stay somewhere else. _

He felt awkward after Jooheon's words after the blonde man easily let all the air out of Hyungwon's good intentions and let everybody see them for what they were.

_ You want him for yourself, greedily hoping that he will return to you. _

"Can't you come back?" he whispered quietly, right into Hoseok's ear so his friend didn't hear. Hyungwon didn't want to compete, he only wanted Hoseok. "You're much more than the friend I deserve, but I still want you."

The pink head lifted from his shoulder and for a few seconds, nothing happened.

"Can I?" the low voice whispered back.

_ Does he want to? _

Hyungwon's heart sped up and he reached out to carefully stroke along Hoseok's arm, right above the area he accidentally scratched. He was shameless for taking Hoseok away like that, for doing everything just to have the pink-haired boy with him again even though he knew that he had a friend who cares about him too.

"Of course you can."

"Even though I'm breaking the rules?" the boy whispered, teeth settling on his red bottom lip as the round eyes caught his gaze.

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little at the question, at the suggestion that they were breaking rules, doing much more than their relationship suggested. The thought wasn't new, only that Hyungwon excused it with the knowledge that they had never really defined any rules in the first place. But they were there, they had always been there.

_ And you are constantly breaking them, be it by enjoying what you enjoy or by acting the way that you act. _

"Then we'll just break them together, Hoseok," he replied quietly, unable to glance away from the beautiful curved lips that he missed so much. Hyungwon was a hypocrite, a terrible hypocrite. One that was greedy for a person that he kept hurting, saying that he didn't want to explore his sexuality while being attracted beyond belief and unable to hold himself back.

"Please kiss me. Please. This feels like one of those dreams again, fuck, just… please," Hoseok whispered, holding onto his shoulders and begging him. The boy was still wearing his apron he was working in and had his sleeves rolled up, one arm showing his writing inked into the pale skin.

_ He got it tattooed, the words you wrote on his forearm with a pen. _

Hyungwon couldn't believe it, just like the boy in front of him. It felt like a dream, one in which his words mattered, brought about an effect even though they were always wrong. The rolled-up sleeves reminded him of his drawing, the one where he stood at the counter, only to really stand at the counter in the end. Maybe it was the same now too, he could make something happen that he wished for in his drawings.

His hands were shaking when he carefully reached for Hoseok's face, cupping it with his palms, focusing on the red lips. There were only the red lips, nothing else. Hyungwon's eyes fluttered shut because it was easier as he moved closer, hoping that he was able to do it with his eyes closed. When his lips finally touched soft skin, he had missed a little, kissing Hoseok's upper lip instead of his gorgeous mouth. It was a strange feeling, but it still felt like an accomplishment, one that made his lungs burn but still something that he managed to do when Hoseok asked him too.

"Next time I'll do it right," he whispered, opening his eyes again and meeting Hoseok's almost black ones.

"I never expected you to do it all by yourself," Hoseok whispered in reply and took his chin between thumb and index finger, leaning in and connecting their lips in a kiss as soft as a cloud.

Hoseok didn't expect him to, but maybe he should have.

_ Because everybody else does. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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There was no hint of hesitation when Jooheon pointed outside and pulled on his sleeve, begging to come out and help him because Hyungwon 'was not okay'. He immediately hurried to the slim figure on the ground that attracted a few glances but nothing more. That's what Hyungwon was wrong about in his fear, people were ignorant when it came to real involvement.

He remembered reading up on panic attacks after the first time he had hugged the boy on the grass. One had to avoid hyperventilation, so holding one's breath was the first step. He did everything according to the advice, pulled the trembling boy to his chest and told him to hold the air in his lungs until he finally listened and started to calm down, slim arms circling his neck after he stopped gasping for air. Hoseok felt ashamed for liking it so much, for using a person's vulnerability for his own good.

_ You're desperate. _

The whole situation was weird. Hyungwon told him that he missed him, that he felt like dying without him and for a split second Hoseok thought he was making it up because he had subconsciously wanted the black-haired boy to be affected by his departure. The words continued though, begging him to come back, to break rules together.

_ Aren't you breaking them by yourself? _

Again, he held back from saying it. From telling the beautiful man how he felt and begged to be kissed instead. In the end it seemed as if the only thing he could do was to ask for things.

Jooheon disappeared in the middle of their drama, probably having enough after telling them to date and stop crying. His best friend didn't want to get in between. 

Hoseok's breath got stuck in his lungs from the sudden fear that Hyungwon might say something that would rob him of any excuses, like saying that they were only friends and there would never be something like romantic feelings involved. Instead the boy kept silent, staring at him and chewing on his lips.

_ He's uncomfortable, but he doesn't say anything either. _

As long as he wasn't confronted with clear rejection, he could dream and wish for more. Clinging onto the crumbs that he cherished and even inked under his skin when it was possible. 

The fact that he had his bag with him at all times might have been a pathetic attempt to make himself believe that he wasn't going to return to his ex-boyfriend this time, but now, it was perfect. He simply threw it over his shoulder and walked the familiar path to the place that Hyungwon wanted him to be. 

His home.

They agreed that Hyungwon would leave the second key under the carpet in front of the apartment in case he came super late, but he finished two hours earlier and smiled as his fingers touched the cold metal, stroking over the ridges with his index finger. It still meant so much to him. Hoseok wondered if other people would ever understand why he was attached to a set of keys.

Unlocking the door, he still made sure to be quiet in case the black-haired boy was asleep or studying. Slipping out of his shoes carefully, Hoseok looked around. The feeling of levity mixed with the memory of how he felt as if he didn't belong into the beautiful apartment before he left it behind and went to a place he didn't want to be. 

_ But in the end you survived it. You're nothing special, but you sure can survive the craziest shit. _

He stroked over the surfaces and leaned against the wall, sucking in Hyungwon's distinct scent that made being inside the apartment so much better. A few seconds passed and he remembered that he had to pee for the last two hours, so he slapped his cheeks for being an idiot and went to the bathroom. 

A cloud of mist hit his face as he opened the door, before his eyes settled on the slim figure in the shower. Hyungwon was leaning against the shower wall with his elbow, forehead pressed against it. The beautiful boy had his eyes shut and his lips parted, moaning softly until it got louder, accompanied by a tremble in the long, attractive legs. Hyungwon's naked body was covered by water and steam, but still Hoseok was able to make out his slim waist that ended in his prettily curved behind. When he located the position of Hyungwon's right hand he almost gasped. The boy's index finger was singled out and carefully disappearing between the round butt cheeks, slowly at first until it got faster, accompanied by louder moans spilling from the boy's lips.

Hyungwon couldn't have heard him, for that he was too preoccupied, eyes remaining closed and left hand not even bothering to stroke his erection.

_ Oh god. _

Hoseok almost moaned at the sight but held it in. If he hadn't been Hoseok, but someone else, someone with knowledge of rules and appropriate behaviour and a bit of inhibition, he would have snuck out and left the gorgeous man to please himself without disturbing him. But he was Hoseok.

_ Yes, you're trash. You can hate yourself later. _

His clothes landed on the floor and he stepped into the shower, immediately kneeling in front of the beautiful boy. It had to be fast, seamless. 

"Fuck my mouth," he whispered and stretched out his tongue.

The familiar brown eyes opened suddenly and Hyungwon froze in his motions, blush on his cheeks already too prominent to get any more intense.

"W-what," the boy stuttered, but his eyes fluttered shut almost immediately, soft gasp leaving his lips. He must have really liked what he was doing to himself. "Hoseok, you-" 

_ He enjoys it so much. _

He used the moment to close his lips around the boy's dick and suck intently, loving the way Hyungwon's fingers looked inside of him.

The black-haired boy moaned loudly and put more weight on his elbow, eyes opening wide again and focusing on his face.

"Oh my god," Hyungwon whispered quietly before biting down on his bottom lip and carefully moving his hips forward. Even when he was dying for more, the other man was so hesitant to just go for it. "Is this really okay? Fuck- I can't think."

"I got hard in a second just from watching you. Please, please continue," he whispered, stroking Hyungwon's straight erection before letting it enter his mouth. He played with his piercing, knowing how much the other man liked it and waited for him to move. 

He didn't have to wait long as Hyungwon's hips slipped forward almost instantly, paired with a motion of the boy's index finger and a moan that sounded so gorgeous Hoseok couldn't believe that he was there to hear it. It deserved an Oscar for best soundtrack. Hyungwon was panting as his hips built up a rhythm and he pressed his forehead flat against his forearm.

"Shit, Hoseok, please," the black-haired boy whimpered, mouth remaining open and eyes peeking once in a while to look at him and be overwhelmed all over again. "I must be dreaming, shit."

_ You must be dreaming. _

The paired sensations must have been too much for Hyungwon, causing his whole body to shake under the warm water and his hips to stutter in their smooth thrusts. The black-haired boy was close, close enough to be delirious after such a short time. Hoseok couldn't believe that he was there to witness it, to see how Hyungwon lost himself in the pleasure that he was partially producing himself. He was a little jealous, seeing how the low moans escaped the boy's thick lips at the slide of his finger.

_ It would've been nice if you felt like that too. _

He realised how well he knew his roommate's body when he saw the boy's lean thighs contract and remain firm, accompanied by his perfect length twitching inside his mouth, paired with quicker motions of the boy's index finger, as if that was what threw him over the edge. The low groan that left Hyungwon's lips as he released himself down Hoseok's throat was rewarding, even though the black-haired boy didn't have enough coherence to hold back, burying himself all the way.

Hoseok couldn't breathe, but it was okay. His own erection twitched at the feeling and the beautiful moans that followed the oversensitivity. Moving back after he licked the boy's dick clean, he sat on his calves and stared up. 

"I'm envious," he murmured.

Hyungwon struggled to open his eyes, still breathing heavily as he removed his index finger from his butt and held both of his palms flat against the shower wall.

"W-why?" the black-haired boy breathed out and seemed to be fighting with his already low body weight, barely resisting the urge to slip down to the wet tiles.

"Because you enjoy it so much. I wish it was the same for me." Hoseok got up and curled his arms around Hyungwon's slim waist, encouraging him to let him hold his weight. 

"I wish it wasn't," Hyungwon replied quietly and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, wet strands brushing over his shoulders. "I wish I was like you."

“What? Why? Why would you say that? If you knew how much my ass hurts, god. Be happy that you enjoy it.” He sighed, holding onto the warm skin and wondering why Hyungwon would wish to be in pain.

"What? Why does it- did you let him hurt you?" Suddenly the other man looked up and cupped his face with his palms, eyes wide. "Why would you let him hurt you? You hate it, so shouldn't you- stay away from it? I want to be like you because you like to rub your dick over my crack instead of liking your crack rubbed. Fuck."

“Oh, but you can rub your dick over my crack, I don’t see the problem! Why would you be unhappy about liking something? Isn’t it… a thousand times better than not liking it and still doing it?” Hoseok sighed because he knew that Hyungwon was right, but he didn’t want to explain that he had no place to go and back then the dude told him to only come back if he wanted to fuck. So, yeah.

_ You must like him so much. Enough to find the strength to hold back your words. _

"But that's the thing, Hoseok. If you don't like it then you shouldn't be doing it." Hyungwon sighed and stroked over his wet hair, tickling Hoseok's cheek in the process. "I just feel like I'm a half-assed gay if I like shit like that. The ones you see on TV that like to put huge things in their ass and feel proud of it. My dad said I can be anything, but not that. I don't want to be feminine, I already look feminine enough."

_ Wow. _

Hoseok was at a loss for words, staring at the handsome face and trying to think about where to start telling the boy that his monologue was full of shit.

“First of all, I don’t know what kind of TV shows you watch, but if the guys are proud to have a dildo in their ass, let them be proud. I don’t see a single problem with that if it’s fun and feels good. Listen, if nature didn’t want you to have your hands up your ass, it wouldn’t feel this good, would it?” His fingers curled around Hyungwon’s chin and he placed a brief kiss on his plump lips. “And about femininity… I don’t even know where to start because all of it is so wrong. Why would it be bad to have qualities other humans have? Is being a woman bad? Why would you think liking butt-stuff makes you a woman? This… is so wrong. I really want that one pink buttplug with the bunny tail attached. Does it make me a woman too? And even if it does, then fine, call me a woman, you misogynistic pig. I’m not afraid to be like that, because that’s what I like. I’ll be a bunny with pink hair and a pink buttplug - if I could afford it that is - and everyone who thinks that it makes me less worthy as a person can fuck off.”

Hyungwon swallowed and looked a little uncomfortable, chewing on his cheek as he stared at the tiles for a few moments. The black-haired boy must have been collecting his words again, struggling to express himself.

"I- I don't know, Hoseok. I don't think it's bad to be a woman, of course not. It's just that liking this… it's not something I would have expected from myself. There really aren't many things my parents want from me, but… my dad said he would hate it if I was a sissy, but I feel like that's exactly what this makes me. Somebody who loses himself because he likes it when other people do things to him. I always thought that I have to be the active one, because that’s more my personality but- my experience just doesn't match. I don't know what to do about it and how to look my dad in the eyes the next time I meet him. I didn't even plan on doing this, but if I don't try it then I don't know if I like it, but now I know and it just breaks my picture of myself. I'm sorry for being such a wreck." Hyungwon exhaled roughly, letting his eyes flutter shut and rested his head on top of Hoseok's shoulder. "I thought I am only a disappointment on one level, but apparently it's so much worse than that."

_ Holy shit, why? _

“What the hell is a sissy, Hyungwon? In addition, why would your dad… tell you how you have to be and what you are supposed to like? I like both. I like to pleasure you, but I also love it when you pleasure me, touch me, stroke over my hair, tell me that I’m wonderful, so that I can write it all over my body and show it to myself when I feel like a meaningless nothing. You are not a disappointment. If you think you are, what… what does that make me?” Swallowing down the bile in his throat, Hoseok loosened his embrace and glanced to the side, remembering that his pink towel was in his bag. “I… have to get my towel. It's in my bag in the hallway.”

"It makes you perfect, at least in my eyes. You're super muscular and… I don't know how to explain it. You fit the ideal that my dad has of a man way better than I do. I keep wishing that I was like you. Also how easily you talk to people, how beautiful your smile is. I'm terrible because I am greedy and want you for myself." Hyungwon turned off the tap and opened the door, reaching for two fluffy towels. Gaze passing over his chest and abdomen, the black-haired boy handed one of them to him. "You can use any towel you like. Did you only use the pink one?" 

_ What’s with the medieval ideals of masculinity? _

“You sound like a medieval prince, but it kind of suits you, I guess. To be honest, I really like your body. Way more than mine. I like that you look elegant, and not like a cupboard. Your legs are so long and your neck… ah, I’m greedy too but I keep breaking the rules and I hate myself, but you with your medieval views and toxic masculinity make me feel a tiny bit better about myself.” Hoseok giggled and took the towel, drying himself and wrapping it around his chest like a dress. Bending his leg, he pulled up the edge and wiggled his eyebrows. “I think I would rock a dress. Look at these thighs.”

Hyungwon stared at him in disbelief until he suddenly laughed, brushing his wet hair away from his forehead.

"I think I might never get used to you," he commented and furiously rubbed his chest, thighs and finally his hair, making it fluffy. "You're so nonchalant, as if nothing really matters unless you decide that it does. I love that. I'm… I'm happy that you came back. I was so scared that you might change your mind. Please tell me if I do something wrong, don't just leave without a word. It scares me so much."

“Would you… still like me if I felt differently about you?” he asked carefully, letting the fabric slip down and tying it around his hips. His arousal had faded and he was happy that he didn’t have to focus on emotional topics with a boner.

"Differently?" Hyungwon looked up from under the towel and held his breath for a few seconds. "You mean if you didn't like me anymore? I… I don't think I could stop liking you at this point. You are the only person I think about, I even use you during my anatomy lectures, drawing your body with muscles or arteries all the time." Suddenly his roommate's eyes widened and he walked one step towards the door, as if he considered running for some reason. "F- forget I said that."

_ He is adorable. _

“You drew me? Oh my god, I need to see it, all of it!” Hoseok exclaimed, running after the black-haired boy and catching him by the waist. His attempt ended in a back hug because he wasn’t able to hold back his emotions. He liked him. Hoseok liked him so much.

"Trust me, you don't," Hyungwon muttered until he suddenly covered his face with both hands. "I left my notebook in front of your cafe, it has most of my drawings. Fuck, I'm such an idiot. God, why would I leave it there? It's literally the only drawings in which I don't dissect you like a murderer."

_ But didn’t Jooheon take it? It was under his arm when he came running to get you. _

“Huh? But I think Jooheon has it.” Hoseok turned him around and decided to reply to his previous question. “In addition, I didn’t mean not liking you anymore. I meant liking you too much.”

"There is no such thing as too much, because if there was I'd be in jail for wanting to lock you up with me forever to have you for myself. God, I'm really not a murderer, I swear." Hyungwon seemed emotionally unstable as he kept his eyes closed and massaged his temples. "I can't believe your friend has a written record of all my wishful scenarios. I want to die of shame, I'll never be able to talk to him if he saw it. I'll never be able to talk to him in general, but now it's even worse."

“Huh, but why does it matter if he sees it or not? Did you draw dick? Even if you did, it’s fine, Jooheon can deal with it.” Nodding in reassurance, Hoseok leaned forward and wrapped both hands around Hyungwon's thighs, lifting him into the air. He enjoyed the firmness of his legs and the fact that it was so easy to carry his weight. “Please lock me up with you,” he whispered and meant every word.

"What?" Hyungwon was startled, wrapping his arms around him to hold on as his pretty brown eyes got even bigger. "Why would you actually want me to lock you up? You have so many people you know and see and for me there is just you. I can't just take you away from everybody else. Except for that asshole. If I was a murderer I would kill him first."

“I like it when you are mad.” Hoseok giggled and connected their lips for a brief moment before moving towards the bedroom. “You are not taking me away from anybody. You are taking me in when nobody else wants me.”

Showing just a hint of a smile, Hyungwon shrugged, raking through Hoseok's pink hair, tugging at it lightly.

"They just don't know what they are missing and I'd prefer to keep the secret."

“No,” he whispered. “I think you’re the only one who can see.”

_

The suffering was no joke. Surely one could have argued that he had no reason to suffer because he had an amazing home, Jooheon, Hyungwon and a job, but he was not able to act. It has never been one of his talents and he didn't get the point of acting, if in the end the truth would get out and ruin everything anyway.

"He's so whipped for you. I would have never thought that. Not because you're not awesome or anything, but because he was so reserved and considering he told you to live there for sex. That asshole. However, after seeing him break down and cry on the street I changed my opinion, oh, and those drawings, wow." Jooheon opened the notebook and pointed at a pencil drawing of him standing behind the Starbucks counter with his sleeves rolled up and Hyungwon, reaching for the coffee he was holding.

_ It never happened like this. Does he draw what he wishes for? That's what he said, right? _

It was the first time someone drew him and he was so thankful to even be considered a motive for a drawing that he wanted to kiss the black-haired boy until he couldn't handle him anymore.

"He must really like you a lot. Oh, and your body apparently. This is a little creepy, isn't it?" His best friend turned a page and pointed at a sketch of a neck and an arrow, pointing out the jugular. Wow.

"He just likes me as a friend whereas I am breaking all the rules and am hopelessly in love with him," Hoseok muttered and looked through the rest of the drawings, wanting to get his own place just to frame them and put them all on his walls.

"You are hopelessly in love with him and let that asshole fuck you as a consequence? How does that even make sense, you idiot? Why don't you just talk about your feelings and come clean. He's so fucking whipped, I swear. He was holding onto you as if you were his only salvation. Why did he break down by the way?"

_ He's not whipped. He just thinks that you're a good friend. Even though you're not. _

Hoseok threw himself on the familiar couch and glanced up from the notebook, still feeling discomfort in his lower body. It was a shame that it took so long until it felt normal again. He was envious of Hyungwon's body for liking the slide.

"I think he is scared of people. Mostly talking to people or doing something while others are watching. He said he's scared of making a mistake. But he isn't as scared when he's with me, so he talks way more now. I guess it's also because I can't shut up. I'm also kind of scared, but mostly of people hurting me or saying something mean that is the truth."

"People are trash," his best friend murmured in reply and took a deep breath. "Sounds like social anxiety. He must've been fucking terrified of me. But will you tell him? About your feelings, I mean."

"Knowing me for as long as you have, would you say I will try to be his best friend and keep my mouth shut, or will I risk being thrown out and rejected by the only person I like? I'm taking your bets."

Jooheon stared at him for a few moments before placing the small notebook on his lap and crossing his arms. "Promise me to come here if you have no place to go. Please."

_ Exactly. _

***

Hyungwon sighed out loud when he finally closed the front door, locking out the creepy neighbour that suddenly appeared and started asking about the 'handsome pink-haired man that is living there too'.

_ Normal people would have said something, but of course, you panicked and just ran. _

His breaths were quick and he was holding onto the Amazon parcel in his hands with so much strength that he was worried about damaging what was inside. He was trying to compensate, very obviously, but it didn't quite feel like it was working out yet.

_ Because buying things for him won't make you more manly and it won't change the fact that you like things moving inside you. _

He groaned at the thought before covering his mouth with his palm in panic, scared that Hoseok was at home and heard him having mental breakdowns by himself. Hyungwon also wanted to warn him about the neighbour because that guy definitely had bad intentions.

_ God, you also have bad intentions. _

He was being possessive, overly possessive. Maybe because he was a wreck when Hoseok left, unable to do the simplest of things and even falling behind in his studies. He had needed 4 all-nighters to catch up on biochemistry and make sure that his father didn't have to worry about his performance. Hyungwon doubted that they would still approve of Hoseok, if they knew that his grades suffered only because the handsome boy walked out of his life.

_ He also walked into your life and made it so much better. _

Hyungwon was hopeless. He couldn't be satisfied with what he had, constantly yearning for more, but at the same time, he was also a little scared of more.

_ Because you're convinced that you shouldn't like it. Only that you fucking do. _

What the hell had he been thinking to try it out? Probably not a lot. Hyungwon had been anxious back then, waiting for Hoseok to return but going mad in the meantime. First, he embraced the soft pillow, then he tried to study. In the end, he decided to get off, but he only did that in the shower, a habit from when he was living at home.

_ But then you thought of that time you lay on top of him and he almost slipped his finger inside of you. If you weren't that fucking anxious you would have begged him to. _

It didn't make any sense, why did he have to react this way? There was no sign of it before. Hyungwon was super typical, liking football, watching gay porn, making out when he was drunk enough.

_ Maybe you never got close enough to know. _

Still holding onto the package, he sank to the floor and remained there. It was okay, he could look like a mess at home when he was alone.

Suddenly he heard keys and the lock before Hoseok's pink hair appeared in the doorframe, breathtaking smile following right after.

"Hi! It's me!" the cheerful voice exclaimed before he was thrown off by him sitting on the floor and hugging a parcel.

_ Congrats, now you freaked him out. _

"Oh… did something happen?" The pace with which Hoseok slipped out of his shoes and kneeled down next to him was remarkable. 

"N-no," Hyungwon stuttered and thought about how to avoid telling Hoseok that he was still having mental breakdowns because of liking things inside his butt. "The neighbour was creepy. He has bad intentions."

The boy's expression looked more confused than anything else before he opened his mouth in the shape of an 'o' and his eyes widened briefly. "Aaaah, that neighbour. The one who stared at my dick! He was really cute because it was obvious and he couldn't look away. You met him? Did he want an egg from you too? Is that why you're sitting on the floor? I know where he lives, I can go over there and give him what he wants."

"Don't go there!" Hyungwon exclaimed and held onto Hoseok's wrist, scared that the boy would really leave and go to the neighbour now. "He- he asked me about you, but- I don't want you to go there."

_ God, he can go wherever the fuck he wants to, Hyungwon. _

"I mean- fuck, you can go wherever you like, but I think he likes you and…" _ And what, Hyungwon? _"And I like you more."

Hoseok looked cute. Just cute and incredibly adorable, staring at him with his round eyes and prettily curved lips.

"You like me more than he does, so I shouldn't go there?" Glancing to the side, the boy visibly attempted to review his words. "I would only go there if he needs something from you and you don't want to go yourself. To be honest, my butt is still not in its best shape. Well, he seemed more into my dick, so I guess it would be fine, but independent of my bodily abilities, I don't want to do anything with him. I looked forward to seeing you so much, why would I leave again?" 

"I… I don't know," Hyungwon whispered. "Because he knows how to talk to people without freaking out and seems okay about liking your dick?" 

_ Unlike you. _

"You don't like my dick? But it's thick and veiny! Did you know that if you like the slide, veiny dicks are the best? I know that it's kind of big, but it’s not gigantic or something. It's actually the one part I would say isn't rotten. You… you don't like it? That's… sad." The pink-haired boy looked crushed, glancing to the side and playing with his fingers before he stood up and took off his jacket, as if suddenly remembering that he had to. 

"God, I love your dick, Hoseok. I'm just embarrassed," Hyungwon exclaimed desperately and covered his face with the Amazon package. How could Hoseok think he didn't like it? That was one of his main problems, he liked it too much.

"You like it? But why are you embarrassed? I think I'm stupid, I don't understand what this is about." After glancing down at him, Hoseok decided that it was safer to sit right next to him and try to glance past the package he was hiding behind.

"My problem is that I want it, I fucking want it and I'm possessive and don't want you to give it to anybody else." He sighed out loud and felt like dissipating into the wooden floors. Why did he have to be so complicated, unable to express himself? "I'm desperate and trying to compensate by buying you things."

"You want it? But that's not a problem!" The pink-haired boy took his wrists and smiled like the sun. "If you want it, I'll give it to you! Just tell me how and you can have it!" A few long and awkward seconds passed before Hoseok finally registered his words about the package. "You bought me something? Oh my god."

"I- yeah, but it's also embarrassing," he muttered and fumbled with the package, scared of what Hoseok was gonna think. 

"Is it a dress, because I said I would rock a dress? Because that's not embarrassing at all. It's so thoughtful!" The handsome face was glowing in anticipation before the boy simply closed his eyes with both palms like a kid and inhaled sharply.

_ Oh my god. _

Hyungwon felt nervous as he fumbled with the packaging, ripping the tape off and taking out the prettily packed pink buttplug with a bunny tail. He had spent a whole hour looking for it, but when he found it, he couldn't resist ordering it.

_ But just because you ordered it for him doesn't mean that you like the feeling of something inside of you any less. _

His heart was hammering in his chest when he finally placed the buttplug into Hoseok's waiting hands, expecting to faint from shame before even seeing the reaction.

“Oh my fucking god,” the boy exclaimed and unpacked the device, turning the plug in his hands, snuggling the bunny tail as if it was a real bunny and giggling cutely. “I can’t believe that you found it. I want to wear it, but I think I have to pass for a few days because last time Jay probably could tell that I wouldn't come back and went all out. Oh my god, Hyungwon. You're the best. Thank you so much.” The boy let himself fall into his arms, knocking him to the floor and covering his face with kisses that tasted like strawberry chewing gum.

There was a bubbling sensation in his chest as he wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist and successfully ignored the pain at the back of his head. Why would it matter that he knocked his head on the floor if Hoseok was so happy about the present?

_ He is in pain and you get him a present that would only hurt him more. _

"Do you want… me to wear it instead?" he asked quietly and let his eyes flutter shut. He didn't know why he said it, why suggesting something that only fueled his anxiety and made him feel even less worthy in his father's eyes came to his mind as the first solution.

_ Because you feel bad about him getting hurt. He left because he thought he couldn't stay. _

Hyungwon would have laughed at his own attempts to distract, to argue that he was getting something for Hoseok, fulfilling Hoseok's wishes only.

_ You suggested it because you want it, you fucking want it but you're scared. _

"Do you want to try it out? I think the black one would look really good in you. Unless you couldn't forgive yourself for not wearing the bunny tail." Hoseok pressed the pink device to his cheek and cuddled it once again. 

_ He must really like it. _

"I- I think I prefer the black one," he admitted and swallowed audibly, knowing that it was his internal dislike for things his father wouldn't deem manly. At this point Hyungwon wasn't even sure that it was his father and not him.

"I'm going to die. I was this close last time when I… touched you with my fingers." The pale cheeks were showing a hint of pink that spread further the longer he talked, matching the pink bunny plug in the boy's hand. "I don't have those masculinity issues going on. My dad always said my face looks like that of a girl. I think it was the nicest thing he'd ever said. It made me proud. But about the plug, you don't have to, you know that, right?" 

_ Here it is, the point where you would have backed out. If you didn't actually want it that is. _

Hyungwon nodded and decided to add one more, to tell Hoseok because the pink-haired man didn't judge. He never did.

_ And you can't deny it anymore when it has left your lips. _

"I… wanted to ask you to… put them inside, but I didn't dare to."

"Oh my god," Hoseok whispered and leaned forward, burying his face in his lap and groaning. "I can't remember being so fucking whipped for someone ever. Please slap me."

"What? Why would I want to hurt you?" Instead of following the boy's request, Hyungwon wrapped his arms tighter around him and pressed a kiss to his curved lips. It felt strange to hug somebody who was hugging a buttplug, but there were always surprises when it came to Hoseok. "I'm whipped too, that's why I'm being an asshole and trying to keep you away from other people, so you're only with me."

"I don't want you to hurt me. I'm scared of pain that comes from someone that I like. I can take it better if it's random people." The handsome man looked up and got back to his feet, pulling him up right after. "I'll stay with you as long as you want me to. As… as your friend." 

_ He's afraid of being hurt. Don't you dare hurt him, Hyungwon, even if you are scared. _

"But you're a special friend," Hyungwon muttered, hoping that it made it sound better. He felt bad for being so possessive about a friend in addition to wanting to lick inside their mouth. Sure, they agreed on benefits too, but didn't those also have limits? In TV series people still fucked others apart from their benefits friend and Hyungwon wanted to murder anybody that dared to touch Hoseok, including his neighbour. "Very special. The kind of special when… one has exactly one and doesn't want to share."

"But you don't want to share me, or do you? Isn't it… illegal? Like human trafficking?" Hoseok's eyes were so wide that he looked like a very traumatised doll, standing in his hallway and staring at him. "I don't want to share you with anybody either. I want to keep you inside my chest and in my arms and always be with you to hug you and kiss your lips to see how your eyes flutter shut so prettily. I'm sorry, that escalated."

_ Holy shit, he thinks so too? _

Hyungwon gained some courage and shook his head at all the human trafficking ideas. How the hell did Hoseok even come up with such thoughts? Hyungwon really hoped it had nothing to do with personal experiences.

"No, I meant- I meant that I want to be the only one to touch you, to kiss you and… and have your arms around me like that. God, I must sound so possessive. You literally just returned and I'm making demands." Hyungwon brushed through his black hair and wrapped one arm around Hoseok's waist, pulling him flush against his body because it gave him more confidence, reminded him that Hoseok loved to kiss him. "I want you to be mine, the way you already declared me to be yours."

"I am yours," the boy whispered in reply, lifting up a few centimeters and touching his lips briefly. "You can't even imagine how often I feel as if you own all of me." Hoseok opened his mouth but didn't say a single word, simply staring at his face for a few long seconds. "There is something I keep hiding from you and it wants to be out so badly. But I want to make you feel good before I… ruin the mood."

Hyungwon's eyes widened, but he kept his grip on the boy's waist, still holding him close. His mind was working furiously, attempting to come up with what Hoseok might have kept from him, which could have ruined the mood.

"Did he hurt you even more?" he whispered, stroking over Hoseok's head carefully and kissing his lips. He couldn't bear the thought of that guy touching the pink-haired man, doing things he didn't like even though it was obvious that it hurt him.

"Nothing major, it's more something that I did? Something that I'm doing… to you. Don't worry it's… I'll tell you anyway, I can't keep things to myself and I had enough time to think about it. Jooheon also said he would take me in, so… it doesn't feel as terrible as it could. Okay, it does feel terrible and I'm scared." The boy's fingers trembled against his shoulders and the dark eyes looked unsure, teeth chewing the thick bottom lip. 

"Nothing you could possibly say would make me throw you out, Hoseok. Nothing," Hyungwon murmured in reassurance and kissed those lips again, until he remembered that he had also kept a secret. One that had a deadline. "And… I also have something I need to tell you. It's- not the best either, but you definitely don't have to leave and I want you to stay here forever. Just… you might not like it."

_ He'll probably hate it, fuck. _

Suddenly Hoseok dropped down to his knees and stared at the floor for a few seconds, not saying anything and not doing anything either. The silence that was usually welcome was getting pressuring until the black eyes finally focused on him and the pink-haired boy licked over his lips, preparing to speak.

"You… said that I'm your friend, right?" he asked quietly. 

"Yeah," Hyungwon answered hesitantly, unsure what to do now that Hoseok was acting so unusually, kneeling on the ground in front of him. It was as if the boy considered himself unworthy to stand in front of him.

"You said that I'm your friend, but I broke the rules. I broke them, because instead of liking you as a friend and keeping it simple I'm hopelessly in love with you, Hyungwon."

Hyungwon observed, he observed the way Hoseok looked at him, the way his knees were placed on the wood floor, how desperate his eyes seemed even though anywhere else it would have been good news. A confession was usually good news, wasn't it?

_ For somebody who deserves it and knows how to deal with it. _

Hyungwon knew he had to say something, to respond and express his own feelings or thoughts. It was a meaningful moment, one in which Hoseok was waiting, anxious to know what he felt.

_ What do you feel? _

He felt a lot of things, most of which he couldn't put into words, wouldn't dare say to somebody sitting on the ground and looking that vulnerable. Hyungwon wasn't somebody to be in love with, somebody to give so much to, while barely getting anything in return.

Love needs sacrifice, time, affection and dates. Things that Hyungwon was only able to give in small amounts. He couldn't even go out without freaking out, how could he be outside and hold hands? 

_ You have to reply with something, he's waiting. It doesn't matter that you like him too. You might like him, but he'll just be pressured to stay inside and never see the light of day if he's with you. _

The silence stretched but no words left his lips. Instead, his heartbeat sped up and the familiar dizziness returned to his head, a reaction to not getting enough air.

Suddenly Hoseok's low voice pulled him out of his thoughts for a second, ripping through the silence in his empty hallway. "You don't need to say anything in return, Hyungwon. I only want to know whether I'm allowed to stay next to you, despite feeling like this. Am I?"

_ He wants to know if he can stay, he thinks that he has to leave. He thinks he has to leave even though you're the one who's not enough. _

Hyungwon shook his head at his own thoughts until he realized the meaning and kneeled down.

"Yes, I mean yes. You are, please don't leave. No matter what, please don't leave, even if I'm like this," he begged and couldn't help himself, breaths ragged and tears already collecting in his eyes.

_ Why are you the desperate one? They were right all along, weren't they? _

Hyungwon always made himself into the victim.

***

He actually played out the romantic fairytale where the knight, prince or some other toxic male character kneeled down to confess his feelings for the female protagonist that would have to accept because it's fucking pressuring. He knew that it looked cringy and that's what most people thought when they saw someone kneel, but for him it had other reasons.

_ It's not romantic at all. _

He usually knelt or sat on the floor when he knew that he couldn't run away. It was strategic, because if the other person decided to get violent, it was easier to curl up and protect himself. Not that he thought that Hyungwon would hurt him, but old habits die hard.

_ At least you don't need to curl up. _

He didn't need to, but he wanted to. So badly. The way Hyungwon looked at him as if his words triggered so many negative emotions that he had to hold air in his lungs and didn't dare to say anything. Hoseok didn't expect him to say anything, but the sight hurt. As if his feelings managed to make the black-haired man feel terrible. 

_ Did you think that he would be happy? You didn't. You had a bad feeling about it. _

He only wanted to know whether he could stay despite breaking all rules and falling in love. He knew that it probably meant that the black-haired boy would stop wanting to be close to him, if he cared enough that is. There was also a chance that the friendship thing… God, why did it have to hurt this much?

_ You had that feeling that it would go to shit if you told him. You didn't really think that he would accept you and you'd be happy till the end of time, did you? _

Hoseok only worried that he wouldn't be allowed next to the beautiful boy again, but the slim figure sunk down next to him and begged him not to leave. How the hell would he leave if his chest ripped apart just from the theoretical possibility that Hyungwon would not want him to stay around?

_ But you're allowed to stay. You can stay, Hoseok. You didn't want anything else. _

"How am I supposed to leave, you dummy? I just told you how I feel. I don't want to leave, but of course... of course I will if that's what you want," he breathed out, unsure what would happen now. Was he allowed to kiss the boy's beautiful lips? Despite having no clue, Hoseok brushed a few tears from the golden cheeks before raking his fingers through the other man's black hair. 

_ You stressed him out so much. _

"It's not," Hyungwon gasped, breathing heavily. "It's not what I want at all." The black-haired boy seemed so vulnerable, sinking into his arms as if it helped him to calm down, to feel safer. The broad shoulders stopped shaking as much and Hyungwon kept holding his breath, fighting his own predicament. "I want you to stay next to me because I'm terrible."

_ Because he's terrible? _

Hoseok didn't understand at first, thinking about what Hyungwon might have meant. 

_ It's because he doesn't love you back. _

"Aaah, that's… that's okay! You're not terrible at all, I'm so happy that I don't have to leave. Thinking about it hurt so much already. I'm sorry that I… that I just told you out of the blue, I won't mention it again, I mean, you know now so there's no point, right? Am I still allowed to kiss you? "

Hyungwon nodded, mouthing 'please' as he opened his eyes and observed him, not saying anything and merely breathing carefully while a few tears still rolled down his cheeks.

_ You can kiss him. You can. _

It might have sounded cheesy, but kissing those plump red lips felt different after he said the truth. It was filled with levity and a soft kind of feeling, warming him up from the inside.

Hyungwon seemed desperate in his actions as he wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him closer, fingers tangled in his hair and lips unwilling to leave his. One might have thought the confession didn't only change something for Hoseok, but also for the black-haired boy who didn't dare to loosen his grip.

"You can mention it as much as you want, just- just don't leave. Even if I hold you back from living, please don't leave," the low voice begged and covered his face in kisses before meeting his lips again. 

_ How would he hold you back from living? He is the reason why you feel appreciated for the first time in forever. _

“I won’t leave, Hyungwon. This might sound very delusional, but… but I have the feeling that I belong here. With you. Maybe not in this apartment, but definitely with you.” The boy’s reaction fueled his courage and he licked into the hot mouth, melting into the embrace like an icecream, unwilling to leave. Jooheon was right, he was too soft for his own good.

The black-haired boy leaned back and looked at him, brown eyes jumping from one of his features to the next as if they were looking for something.

"I feel the same way," Hyungwon whispered and rested his head on Hoseok's shoulder, exhaling softly against his neck. "I'm just afraid that there are much nicer things out there and I'm keeping you away from them. But at the same time I want you for myself."

_ He does want to be next to you. Just not… in the same way, you do. _

“Please keep me. I’m easy to take care of and I don’t need much in general. Sure, you probably can’t show me to your friends or parents, but I can make you laugh and I will do anything to make you feel at ease. Please.”

"Fuck," Hyungwon hissed and squeezed his eyes shut, taking a few deep breaths. "There's that thing I still have to tell you. God, you'll hate me."

Hoseok couldn’t imagine hating him, no matter what he might have told him, so he smiled in reassurance and cupped the small face, forcing Hyungwon to look up at him.

“I couldn’t hate you. No matter what it is. I know that you are scared of people a lot, but… I just hope that at some point you won’t be scared of me.”

"I'm- I'm not scared of you, Hoseok. I'm mostly scared of saying the wrong thing and making you leave." Hyungwon sighed and covered his eyes for a few seconds, taking several deep breaths. "I don't have any friends I could introduce you to, because you are the only one. But- I told you that… I managed to convince my parents, right? Because they understand that I need you. Well- my mom, she… oh god, I'm so sorry. She said she would really like to meet you and one of the conditions was that both of us come for dinner at my parents' house. I just didn't get to tell you yet, because I know you'll hate me."

_ Oh god. Parents fucking hate you, Hoseok. _

"They… they will hate me, oh my god, I'm so sorry, Hyungwon. I have no clothes. Ah, I can get some from Jooheon, like last time. Uh… uh… what else do I need? Ah! Jooheon has the black wash out dye, I can use that too and I can take out my piercings." Hoseok brainstormed furiously, trying to come up with strategies to minimise the damage. The things Hyungwon's mother said about him while he hid in the bathroom still appeared at the surface of his memory, making his eyes burn, but he ignored it. It wasn't the time to be sensitive about being called worthless. 

_ Your fucking mouth, Hoseok. You have to stitch it. _

"But… unfortunately, I can't shut up," he muttered, already expecting a catastrophe. 

“My parents aren’t mean or anything, at least they don’t mean to be. Just- very often they don’t know better. Like my mom dislikes certain occupations and study programs because she thinks they are a waste of time, but we could just try not to talk about university or- god, I don’t even know. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, Hoseok. You don’t have to pretend if you don’t want to, I just don’t want you to think that they hate you, because mostly they just think people look the way they do on purpose or don’t have money on purpose.” Hyungwon was talking non stop, obviously thinking out loud as he started fumbling with Hoseok’s hand for no reason. “I like you the way you are. Without fancy clothes and black hair and what not.”

_ But nobody else does. _

"I know, I guess. But I also know that other people are not like you. I'll give my best, but they might hate me." 

_ They will, Hoseok. _

"When?" he asked, going through all the steps he had to make before saying hi to the people who would decide whether he was allowed to stay. It had been too easy all this time.

"Well, they said next weekend," Hyungwon mumbled and leaned in to kiss him, as if the black-haired boy felt better when their lips were connected. "No matter what they think, you are staying with me. You're mine."

"I…" he started, licking his lips and nodding as if he needed it to persuade himself. "I am."

Something changed in Hyungwon's gaze as he wrapped his arms around him, this time not like he needed the reassurance himself, but rather like he wanted to reassure Hoseok, stroking over his pink hair and kissing his forehead.

"It'll be fine. I won't just sit there and let them say whatever. They are my parents, I'm not scared of them. Whatever makes you feel at ease, you can do that and I'll- I'll not be a wimp for once." The black-haired boy sounded determined as he wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's wrist and pulled him, throwing himself on top of the soft bed and tugging Hoseok along. "You're precious and I don't want you to get hurt. Whatever they might say, I don't think that, okay? I think you're the best human on the planet."

"You're not a wimp. I don't know how being a nice person makes you a wimp. I mean, your parents… they probably don't know about the benefits in our friendship, do they?" Hoseok muttered and buried his face in the boy's neck.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything and merely shook his head, confirming Hoseok’s suspicion that he didn’t share any information about his sex life with his parents.

"Well, then I won't disappoint them as much because they will be sure that you'll kick me out easily. That's reassuring. Although, at the same time I'll probably die not being allowed to touch you. I’m so bad at following rules, you have no idea. But I will try my best." Cuddling into Hyungwon's embrace, Hoseok thought about all those times he had to talk to his parents, to Jooheon's parents or to people at uni. There was a lot of judgment and absolutely no understanding. However, he didn't blame them. Really. As Jooheon's mom once said, maybe he shouldn't have refused to take the Ritalin back then. 

Who knows, maybe he would've turned out to be a better person.

_

Whatever he imagined feeling while having an unrequited love, it never involved anything similar to what he was experiencing right now. Looking at himself in the mirror after returning to Hyungwon’s apartment in the evening, he stopped and stared at his reflection that didn’t look anything like him. They agreed that he would get ready and come shortly before they had to leave. He had been careful in case Hyungwon was sleeping but heard the shuffling in the bedroom. Another glance, a grimace, a suppressed movement that attempted to ruffle his hair. It felt weird.

_ But he liked you like that. Exactly like that. It was the first thing he saw from you. Your clothes and your hair. That’s the Hoseok he invited to live at his place. Just that he got your pink, delinquent ass instead. _

Jooheon had carefully styled his hair, revealing his forehead and smoothing the black locks that stuck out because they had a similar tendency to him, unwilling to do what others liked and making an idiot out of himself. His best friend was good at it, making him look like someone who was educated, had money, a positive attitude towards life and knew his worth. What a joke.

The black pants hugged his thighs perfectly and he was sure that the fabric was more expensive than everything that he has ever owned, but of course his best friend insisted that he ‘didn’t even like them’ and that he ‘wouldn’t wear them anyway’. Very much like the rest. The gorgeous Versace shirt and shiny Budapests. His tongue searched for the lip piercing to play with, but there was nothing, just a tiny hole that Jooheon managed to cover with some weird white cream. Hoseok had no idea why the blonde man even owned that kind of stuff.

The excitement was a negative one because he knew that it was about judgment. Hyungwon’s parents wanted to see him to judge him. To see whether he was suitable to be next to their son. Hoseok didn’t care about what they thought. He only wanted to be able to stay close to the black-haired man. It had only been a few months since he told his parents that he was gay and got thrown out of their apartment, staying with Jooheon, then moving in with someone whose dick he had sucked at a party, just to fall head over heels for him and dressing up like a clown in order to impress his parents. What the fuck? 

_ Yeah. What the fuck, Hoseok? _

He didn’t look like himself, but maybe it was a good thing. This way there was a chance that if he adjusted his behavior by not acting the way he usually did, Hyungwon’s parents would allow him to stay close to the stunning man. As a friend.

_ Since when are you so greedy? You barely just found out that you’re gay and now you’re suddenly in love and wanting a relationship with a beautiful, rich boy. Are you fucking crazy, Hoseok? Forget this Cinderella bullshit. _

Sure, it was a little sad that the way he looked now, black carefully styled hair, expensive clothes and no tattoos or piercings in sight, made it feel as if he had more chances to be part of the society he felt so ambiguous about.

_ Why would you suddenly want to become part of this so-called society, if all it did was hurt you? _

Because it was mostly, no- most definitely his fault for not being accepted. He broke rules and never cared. He failed to put enough effort into changing himself to be a better member of society… because…

_ Bullshit. That’s fucking bullshit, Hoseok, and you know it. _

He knew the answer but it made him even more aware of the fact that it had been his fault all along. There was a reason why he suddenly attempted to be a decent member of society. 

It was because Hyungwon was part of it, while he didn’t belong.


	10. Chapter 10

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His nails looked like perfect half moons when he adjusted his collar for the fifth time that evening. His pants were the typical black and more formal than he would have liked, but there was no question that his parents were going to approve of the additional effort.

_ But do you really need to impress them? _

Maybe he was hoping that by putting additional effort into his own looks he was able to take some of the attention from Hoseok. It was unusual for Hyungwon to think that way, to even consider grabbing attention that he usually avoided like the plague.

_ But you don't want him to get hurt. _

There was a certain vulnerability to Hoseok, something that wasn't immediately apparent at first sight. Hyungwon wanted to treasure it, to keep it safe for as long as he was able to. He could deal with his parents and he knew Hoseok. Only the thought of making a mistake was making him anxious.

_ It's always the thought of making a mistake. That's why you don't dare admit that you feel the same, because you'll fuck it up. _

Fumbling with the collar one more time he could hear Hoseok in the bathroom, brushing his teeth even though it was the evening. Both of them were so nervous that Hyungwon hated the fact they had to go in the first place. Had it been any kind of social event excluding his parents he wouldn't even leave the house.

"H-Hoseok?" he called out and prepared himself to see the carefully arranged black hair again, combined with clothes that were everything but Hoseok. There was no problem with it, the now black-haired boy looked good in them, but he wasn't Hoseok, not really.

_ But does that mean he wouldn't be himself if he could afford expensive clothes? _

It wasn't about the clothes only, it was about the piercings, the pink hair, the type of clothes Hoseok would have chosen for himself. Even if he had money it didn't mean that Hoseok would buy stuck up formal clothes. Knowing the cheerful man he would have bought something bright and colourful, with chains that would go with his piercings and made a noise like his keys did.

Hyungwon sighed and opened the bedroom door, glancing outside because his roommate hadn't replied to him. 

"Are you okay?" he asked carefully and pulled at his shirt, making sure it was properly tucked into his pants. Hyungwon was obviously not okay, he wasn’t sure about the other man.

"Ah, yeah, I accidentally got toothpaste on the shirt, so I had to clean it quickly. You- wow." The handsome man let his gaze travel from his shoes to his collar that he had fixed a thousand times. "You look amazing. Like a prince."

"I'm just trying to look better than you, it's hard," Hyungwon remarked and smiled even though it was the sad truth. Hopefully it wasn't obvious and he looked less anxious than he felt. "I miss the hair and the piercings though."

They were going to drive over, so he made his way to the hallway where he kept his car keys and took them out for the first time in forever. Back when he lived at home he only went by car, but it wasn't possible anymore since the apartment was too close to university and even when he had tried to drive and avoid people, there were no parking spots. 

Hyungwon squeezed the keys into his tight pockets and hoped that it wouldn't rip the fabric. That would be embarrassing and probably a reason for his father to give him a lecture on dressing decently and leaving a good impression as a medical professional. There were a few lectures possible and Hyungwon knew them all by heart already.

"If my dad starts lecturing just nod along or something," he muttered and glanced back at Hoseok who looked lost. 

"Huh? You don't want me to talk to him? Okay, I'll try. Won't he be mad if I don't say anything? I just have my phone, is that enough? Do I have to take anything else? But it doesn't fit into my pockets. God, how do decent people survive everyday life?" The dark gaze settled on his face, feeling different due to Hoseok's changed appearance.

_ Holy shit, and you thought you were nervous. _

"They take bags," he muttered and grabbed his own, throwing it over his shoulder. "And- of course you can talk to him, Hoseok. I just meant that he likes to lecture and that it can get super boring, so you don't actually have to listen and can just pretend that you are. I'll take everything we need, so a phone is fine. If you want to show them pictures of… dogs or something. I don't know. That's what classmates did the few times I had somebody come over during high school."

_ You must sound like such a weirdo. _

"But... I only have pictures of your butt. I took some when you were posing naked in front of the mirror, to actually show you how amazing you look naked. Should I show them too? But they might be weirded out and think that I'm a creep. Oh god, I'm so scared to fuck up. I think there's a chance that it'll be okay if I manage to shut up and not talk. Please just tackle me and hold my mouth shut if I start getting nervous, okay?" The boy cupped his face and squished his cheeks, making him look adorable.

_ You underestimated this. You definitely underestimated this. _

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he did his best to not think of Hoseok showing his parents pictures of his naked butt. God, that wasn't even in his worst case scenarios, but it should be.

"I didn't even know that you had those pictures. No, definitely don't show them, even if they ask you for pictures, okay?" He took a few deep breaths to remain calm and cheered himself up with the sight of Hoseok's pretty face. "I also won't tackle you, because that's violent. We'll just… sit there and eat, Hoseok. They'll ask you about your studies, what your parents do, the usual stuff."

All cheerfulness disappeared from Hoseok's features, leaving concern and apparent sadness that was hard to take.

"What- what my parents do? They… hate on gay people and wish I wasn't alive? I can't tell that to your parents, can I?" 

"Oh god, no- how about we just don't talk about parents at all? You’ve lived independently for a long time after all," Hyungwon mumbled and massaged his temples, getting even more nervous about the whole thing. "Then how about university? What do you actually study?" 

"Oh, you didn't know? I know that you are going to be an amazing doctor because when you fall asleep, you grab my thigh and start naming all the muscles. I'm studying sociology because I’m trying to understand why I feel like an alien and why our society is the way it is. We're a weird couple, aren't we?" Suddenly the boy's eyes widened and he started waving his hands in front of his face and shaking his head at the same time. "I didn't mean _ that _ kind of couple. I just meant, because we are friends and all that."

_ Well, fuck. _

Hyungwon panicked a little as soon as the word sociology was spoken and took a few deep breaths to think about how to deal with that.

"We- we are a weird couple though," he muttered and tried to think about other things his parents might be fine conversing about. They liked to talk about the stock market, the newspapers, these kinda things. "My mom thinks that sociology majors struggle to find jobs."

_ That's a very nice way to put it. _

"I'm not studying to get a job. I have a job. I'm studying to understand how all of this works, why it is the way it is, why some people have rights while others don't and why there's so much unfairness. Social relationships, interaction and culture are incredibly interesting and show how all spheres of human activity are influenced by the interplay between our individual thinking and social structure." Hoseok finished and stared at him. "Well, your mom, she doesn't have to worry about my job, so I guess she should be fine."

"Yeah," Hyungwon agreed dumbly, a little overwhelmed by the knowledge and awareness that suddenly left the other boy's lips. He hadn't considered Hoseok shallow or anything, but the two of them just never talked beyond their complex relationship, past experiences and well- sex. "Let's go."

He had no idea what to expect or how to do any kind of damage control, but he had a few scenarios he prepared himself for and hoped they were going to be enough.

Hyungwon grabbed Hoseok's wrist because it seemed right and pressed his ear flat against the front door, listening for whether there was anybody in the hallway. He could hear steps and talking, so he sighed and leaned against the door, waiting for whoever was there to leave already.

"Uh… why are you standing there? Is there a murderer? Or the neighbour? Maybe he wants another egg," Hoseok elaborated and reached for the handle. 

"No, wait-" Hyungwon hissed and blocked the door with his unfortunately rather slim body. "I just don't want to go outside while there is somebody else. I always wait until they are gone, so I don't have to meet them."

"Huh? But why? You don't have to be friends with them if you don't want to and most people just mind their own business. Like when you didn't feel well in front of the cafe, nobody really… nobody tried to do anything. Let's go. You won't have to talk to anyone, if you don't want it. I promise." Leaning forward, Hoseok caught his lips in a soft kiss, curling one hand around his waist and turning them while opening the door and walking out in a smooth movement. He had no idea how Hoseok did that. 

"Hi," the boy said towards one of his neighbours who just walked past towards his own apartment. Hyungwon immediately tensed, expecting that he had to say something, but the guy merely nodded and disappeared behind his apartment door.

He felt a little bad for holding onto Hoseok's hand with so much strength that it must have hurt a little. After all, Hyungwon was stronger than he looked. There were two other neighbours who were talking in front of their doors, but they didn't seem particularly interested in them and Hyungwon's successful technique of staring at the floor did the job.

Once they were outside, he took over and pulled Hoseok to the side of the apartment building where the garages were.

"We're driving," he commented and opened the garage door with his key before doing the same with the car doors and slipping into the soft leather seats. He missed it, the knowledge that there was only him and he had a whole metal box that kept him away from the outside world. "Get in."

"Oh my god, this is like 'Fifty Shades of Grey', next you’ll tie me up and tell me to suck your dick and that you don't like relationships and attachment, only contracts and weird bdsm stuff that's not really bdsm," Hoseok exclaimed excitedly and threw himself into the seat. 

"What?" Hyungwon exclaimed, utterly confused about what sitting in a car and readjusting his seat had to do with sucking dick and bdsm. "What are you talking about, Hoseok? We are only sitting in a car."

"What do you mean what does it have to do with sucking dick? Didn't you see that bad movie, when he picks her up with his rich people car, and she's all over the place, like, 'oh my god… this is… a car. I will definitely suck your dick because you own a machine that transports people', and he's like, 'Yeah, suck my dick because I own this car and an apartment and also a helicopter that I need to fly twenty meters from one building to another'." Hoseok was acting out the female and the male voice, playing his own drama right in front of his eyes. "But just for the record, I'd suck your dick independent of all that."

It was weird, but somehow also funny, so Hyungwon chuckled and brushed through his long hair, grateful that there was no styling that he had just fucked up.

"Of course you would," he replied with a smile and turned on the engine before pulling out of the garage and closing it behind them. "I didn't see it, but now I'm kinda glad I didn't. In the real world nobody wants to suck your dick because of your car, trust me."

"I know, right? But you do look sexy while operating this machine that transports people." The boy chuckled and reached out, placing his warm palm on top of his thigh. "Let's hope your parents won't ask what kind of movies I watched lately."

Hyungwon nodded because that was definitely a good topic to avoid. The palm on his thigh was new, but also nice, like the fact that Hoseok now knew his second safe space.

"I...really like driving. I am outside, but I have protection somehow because people don't see me. The windows are tinted and they can’t really hear what music I listen to or what I do. It's… nice."

"Hmm, but I really want to know what you're doing and what music you are listening to. I'm so sad for all the people who don't know you." A sad smile passed Hoseok's lips along with the pale fingers that tightened in his thigh, squeezing it briefly. "Thank you for letting me in."

"It's fine if it's you," Hyungwon replied softly and glanced to the side before focusing on the traffic light again. "You don't judge, so I like having you around. A lot. I don't care what my parents think in the end, you're staying with me."

"Yes, master," Hoseok commented and winked at him, grinning brightly. "Is it far?" 

"Another fifteen minutes, they live in a house and you need space for those." The smile remained on his lips as Hoseok managed to make his possessiveness seem harmless, something amusing and not a problem he should be working on. "Are you nervous?" 

"Thinking about sucking dick calmed me down. Maybe I should think about rimming you to behave like a confident man. Your dad had that kink, right? Manly men? He must like muscles. Did he have a boyfriend before your mom?" Hoseok asked cheerfully after licking his lips.

"Ehm, he's straight," Hyungwon pointed out and wondered how easily Hoseok dealt with sexuality, considering it was the reason he had no place to live. "He just thinks men should be manly in general, including gay men. He didn't want me to be somebody who crossdresses and stuff. I'm also… sorry that we didn't get to try the black… plug."

_ Don't think about it too much, you're going to your parents for fuck's sake. _

"I would totally crossdress if somebody bought me a dress. And I'm very patient, so we can try the plug when you feel like it. Ah, and this whole manly thing… to be honest I'd rather wear my bunny plug and wiggle my ass instead of fighting mammoths and driving tanks." Hoseok exhaled loudly. "I have a nice ass," he added. 

"You do," Hyungwon agreed without much thought and felt embarrassed about only commenting on that. "I also don't want to fight mamuts, but I like driving so, yeah. A tank has even more protection from the outside, but I'd barely see anything and that sucks."

"I see. I'm not sure whether your dad is that straight. He's worried about manliness a lot. He must like it. But well, everybody should be allowed to love what and who they want. I support that. Just… you. I don't want you to feel bad about something that your father thinks," the boy whispered and stroked over his thigh again. 

Hyungwon only nodded, wondering how much of it was his fear of disappointing his dad and how much was his actual belief that he shouldn't like butt stuff. It was difficult to tell the two apart, after all he had always considered not becoming a sissy while experiencing being gay. That was one of the reasons he barely had any contact with anybody, standing around and waiting for somebody to talk to him was definitely not cool.

"I...really like how your hand feels on my thigh. As if it belongs there," he muttered and turned into the street that ended at his parents' house, big and landscaped beautifully with flowers that had been taken care of as usual. It felt nice and familiar, but so did the warmth on his thigh.

"Holy shit, what is this? Why are you going so slow, people will think that you are trying to rob their house." Hoseok pointed at his parents house and shook his head. "All the people in my study programme could live in that one place."

"That's- my parents' house," Hyungwon commented, voice deadpan and wondering why anybody would think he was going to rob a house in a BMW.

_ He probably doesn't know how much space a single person should have to live. _

Somebody must have repainted it because the white facade looked like fresh snow. It was pretty. Smiling at the fact that it was still home somehow, he parked in one of the designated spots next to the fence and turned off the engine, looking towards Hoseok.

"Holy fucking ape shit," the black-haired man whispered, taking back his palm and trying to fist the fabric of his tight pants. It didn't work "Oh- okay, so you grew up in a Palace. I kind of thought about it, but the… the scale… I couldn't really imagine it to be honest. But…" Hoseok slapped his thighs and reached for the handle to open the door. "I don't need to have high hopes. It'll be short and painless. Let's go."

_ He thinks they won't like him. _

It was difficult to tell. Hyungwon's mom liked smart people and intellectual conversation. Whether that was going to happen or not was dependent on too many factors Hyungwon wasn't able to control.

"It's not a palace, it's a house with two stories and a basement. A white house. With a garden I guess. A palace doesn't look like that, Hoseok." Hyungwon reached out and took Hoseok's hand, using the fact that he was in his car and felt safe. Leaning in, he kissed the boy's lips, hoping that it was reassuring. He needed the reassurance himself.

"How would I know, right?" the low voice replied after the boy leaned back. "I'll give my best because I really… really want to stay."

"You'll stay no matter what happens," Hyungwon whispered in reply. It was something he had decided for himself. He needed Hoseok, even if Hoseok might need somebody more social for his happiness.

"I will. Worst case in front of your door." Smiling brightly, Hoseok jumped out of the car and rubbed his hands on his thighs, looking nervous. "I'll try my best because this means the world to me. Let's get it." The black-haired boy looked gorgeous, muscular body graciously moving towards the entrance to his parents' home. Stepping on the porch, Hoseok turned and smiled at him with one of his most breathtakingly beautiful smiles, beckoning him over. "Come here, my prince."

"If you keep that smile they'll love you," Hyungwon whispered and felt ridiculously tempted to kiss the other man. He didn't though, there were way too many houses around and people could see. In addition, most of them knew him since he was a child. Enjoying the sight for a little while longer, he pressed the doorbell and listened to the familiar sound.

The door opened quickly, just as he was used to and his eyes fell on Martha, their housekeeper.

"Hyungwon! How lovely to see you!" He was embraced even before he got to introduce Hoseok, barely breathing because the older woman was particularly voluptuous around the chest and loved to pull him down when embracing him. It was embarrassing and Hyungwon felt his face burn when she finally let him go.

"This is- this is Hoseok, my best friend," he mumbled and gestured towards the other boy, hoping that it was okay.

"Lovely to meet you, Hoseok. Dinner is almost ready and Mr. and Mrs. Chae are already awaiting you," Martha remarked and smiled widely. It was reassuring because it felt like nothing had changed at home. The people were familiar and his parents hadn't replaced anybody after he moved out.

"Oh, hi, I'm Hoseok. It's nice to meet you too. What's your name?" Hoseok replied and stretched out his hand to shake Martha's hand.

_ Why didn't you introduce her? Fuck, get your shit together. _

Hyungwon wasn't fast enough as Martha already smiled and introduced herself before shaking Hoseok's hand and gesturing for them to come inside. He should have introduced her, but he was too busy spacing out and being nostalgic.

"It'll be fine," he whispered when Martha walked ahead and he was particularly close to Hoseok. He didn't know if it was gonna be fine, but he surely hoped so.

His mother had redecorated and changed the color scheme to an aquamarine blue this time. She liked to switch up the furniture and decorations once in a while, but the sight was still familiar, still home. It also smelled like home with the scent of freshly cooked potatoes and fish in the air. 

His parents were already seated at the dinner table and stood up with polite smiles as soon as they arrived. His dad was the first to stretch out his hand and introduce himself to Hoseok while Hyungwon was embraced by his mother. It felt strangely official, much more so than just bringing a friend for dinner.

"Let us sit down," his mother exclaimed after shaking Hoseok's hand and gestured for them to sit across.

Hoseok looked a little panicky, before exhaling loudly and sitting at his designated spot. "Thank you for the invitation," he said, glancing at the table. Suddenly the boy turned towards him and whispered. "I don't know which fork to kill myself with."

_ This is going fucking great. _

Hyungwon forced himself to smile and reply without moving his lips. After all whispering was rather rude, especially in front of people that couldn't hear you.

"You start out from the outside and slowly move closer to the plate. The fork located at the outside is the first one, for the starter." Once he managed to explain, he lifted his head and smiled at his parents. "What have you prepared for this evening? It smells really good. I think I can smell seafood."

That was a good start because his mother got excited and told him about all the favourite things of his they made, because he visited so rarely.

"I hope you also enjoy seafood, Hoseok," she remarked at the end and smiled at his black-haired companion. "What have you enjoyed eating since childhood? Hyungwon has always loved shrimp and crab."

"I've never eaten shrimp before. I haven't tried crab either. My childhood… I just like eating. So I'm sure that whatever you prepared will probably become the best meal I've ever eaten." Hoseok smiled and stared at his mother for a few seconds, before glancing at him and then at his father. "Thank you for inviting me. I heard that you were curious, so I hope you're not anymore." A few seconds passed and he felt a warm sensation on his thigh, Hoseok's careful fingers that curled around it and sent shivers down his spine.

_ He must be so anxious. What's your right to be this scared? _

Hyungwon tensed up a little, but tried to make sure it wasn't obvious on his face. He liked the sensation of fingers around his thigh, but he was also worried that his parents could see and would be able to tell that they weren't just friends.

_ You're so much more than friends. _

***

The different forks and knives that surrounded his plate stared at him like enemies, only waiting for him to fuck up. He hadn't yet. Because his mouth was occupied with food that tasted better than anything he had ever eaten and he was pretty sure that the woman named Martha cooked it. He had to make sure to thank her for it before he left.

_ Or before they throw you out. Let's see. _

Unfortunately, it was time for dessert and he stared at the piece of cake, waiting for everybody to start because Hyungwon's mother had looked at him as if he was a barbarian who broke into her house when he took a piece of fish and exclaimed that it was tasty before anybody else lifted their cutlery.

_ You never imagined that it would be this complicated. _

Yes, but mainly he couldn't imagine anything besides being thrown out after a few minutes, so it was completely unknown territory for him.

"So, I think Hyungwon told me that you know each other from university. Is that right? What study program did you choose?" At least the older woman had a pleasant voice, low and clear. She also didn't scream, it was nice.

_ But she wants to know about you. _

"We first met each other at a pool party. We only later met at uni. Well- it wasn't really meeting, first we met at his apartment door."

_ Shut up, Hoseok. Shut the fuck up. _

"I'm studying Sociology. It's very interesting," he murmured, hoping that they would unhear what he said about the party. At least he didn't talk about sucking dick.

A long pause continued and made him look up, gaze locking with the black-haired woman, who stared at him in disbelief. He wasn't sure what of the things he said made Hyungwon's mother frown, but he must have fucked up.

_ Was it about his apartment? _

"Sociology? How did you come to that decision? Did your parents suggest it?" 

_ Ah. So it's your major. _

"My parents didn't want me to study because I'm dumb and because it costs money, arguing that I should've given it to them to compensate for the fact that I was born." Smiling briefly, he stared at his cake and hoped that they would eat soon.

_ People are weirded out when you talk about your fucked up life. Row back. _

"But I chose it for myself. I was interested in the family among other things because it's the basic unit of social organization and the key to the socialisation of the child to the respective culture. I'm also interested in gender roles and feminist sociology. The patriarchy is still intact even though everybody knows how women are oppressed in almost every society. It even interlocks with race and class and increases social inequalities. Even a very successful woman like you, Mrs. Chae. It must be ridiculous that you still have to face gender-related discrimination. It's unfair and needs to be fought. I will study more to understand." Hoseok finished his monologue and glanced towards Hyungwon, begging with his gaze that he could stuff his face with cake.

His glance only revealed that the black-haired boy had already cut a careful piece of his cherry-chocolate cake and inserted it into his mouth, chewing unusually slowly as if he was waiting for something to happen. Hyungwon didn't look like he expected it to be something bad, so that was probably a good thing.

"Hoseok is very good at showing me that going outside is not all that bad," his roommate added carefully when he finally swallowed down the chunk and nobody said anything.

_ Cake. Eat it. _

Hoseok copied the boy's movement and stuffed his face with cake, only glancing at the two very serious looking adults after he was done.

"I really like Hyungwon," he commented, asking himself where that suddenly came from. "And I'm very grateful for his help. And for you taking the time to see who he is hanging around with."

Hyungwon's mother nodded softly before also cutting a small piece of her cake and inserting it into her mouth with care. She only spoke when she was done chewing and had stared at Hyungwon's father without him saying anything for several long seconds.

"Hyungwon is somebody who struggles with finding friends, so of course we are glad that he found somebody he gets along with. But we are also curious, he is very nice and doesn't feel bad about giving away his things. There are very different people out there that only take without giving anything in return. We didn't want Hyungwon to meet somebody like that," the elderly woman finally elaborated and hid a black strand of hair that had fallen from her updo behind her ear.

"Hoseok isn't somebody like that," Hyungwon commented immediately and he could feel a big palm stroke over his briefly.

"Unfortunately, I don't have much to give. You are right, Hyungwon is very nice and I am often overwhelmed because he is so giving and generous."

_ Don't say that he got you a buttplug. Two buttplugs. _

"But I will do my best to make him feel… at ease," he whispered and placed his fork next to the plate, feeling bad about having nothing to give, nothing to say besides inappropriate stuff and being a useless excuse for a human in general. "I feel thankful seeing that he was able to grow up in such an amazing environment, with parents who cherish him and with nice food and clothes and a big house. It makes me happy." 

"Thank you for being his friend and helping him with things that he… struggles with," Hyungwon's mother replied and gestured for him to take a sip of the coffee that the woman named Martha placed in front of him. "You seem very concerned about him, which is greatly appreciated."

_ Is it really? Or does she just say it? _

"We're friends, of course he's concerned. You make it seem very official, but it doesn't have to be." Hyungwon sounded slightly annoyed as he answered instead of Hoseok and took a sip from his coffee. The black-haired boy looked like a prince with his delicate cup and surrounded by expensive furniture. Hoseok had no idea how to make it unofficial if it seemed like a state dinner. Not that Hoseok had any fucking idea what a state dinner entailed, but if he would have to describe it it would be exactly the big dinner table he was sitting at in addition to serious looking people.

"It's fine. I'm only a little afraid to say something that you won't like. I'm afraid to say anything to be honest." Hoseok should've shut the fuck up. 

"You're afraid to talk? But why Hoseok, dear?" Hyungwon's mother asked immediately and placed her little fork on the table, observing him intently. Hyungwon's hand remained on his palm, squeezing lightly.

"Because his life is very different and he doesn't like to talk about his family, so how about you tell us how the hospital is going?" The black-haired boy's voice was steady as he spoke and turned his attention to his father, who straightened his back and looked slightly annoyed. For a brief moment Hoseok thought it was his fault, but then Hyungwon's dad told them about workers that didn't do their job properly, organizational hazards that shouldn't have been his problem and way too much work as always. He must have been in charge of the hospital. An important doctor. 

_ You have no fucking idea about any of it. _

It wasn't surprising, but he still felt weird, even though the attention shifted away from him.

"Oh, do you actually have a boyfriend, Hyungwon? Now that you are going to parties and meeting new people," Mrs. Chae asked while shifting her gaze away from him.

"I- no, not really, I mean, not yet," Hyungwon stuttered suddenly and all the previous confidence dissipated into nothing. The black-haired boy was staring at his plate and fumbling with the fork. 

"He is very popular, I have to fight off horny boys," Hoseok commented and giggled, remembering how he heard one of his male colleagues compliment Hyungwon. It wasn't hard, the boy was gorgeous. "He only needs to point a finger at someone and then he'll have a boyfriend."

"But I'm not interested in all these people," Hyungwon muttered and chewed on his cheek, glancing up to look at him briefly. "I'm… happy like this for now and want to focus on my studies."

"Just tell me who you like. I'll set you up," Hoseok muttered, unsure why he would say that after confessing his love. "Or just take me."

_ Why? Hoseok, why? _

"You're nice," Hyungwon muttered, but as soon as the words left the boy's lips, he grabbed his fork and inserted an enormous piece, chewing furiously.

The other man's parents were merely staring at them and Hoseok couldn't tell what they were thinking. Their fingers wrapped around their cups of coffee and both observed them silently as Martha returned and cleaned up the empty plates with a smile.

_ They won't allow you to stay if they think that it's serious for you. _

"It was a joke," Hoseok mumbled. "We're just friends." Smiling brightly, he excused himself and went to the toilet. After taking care of his business, he couldn't bring himself to leave the huge restroom, covered in beautiful black tiles. His heart hammered in his chest and he wanted to cry so badly. It was the most inappropriate moment for that, but his emotions took over him.

_ Why are you sad? You know that other people live differently from how you grew up and you know that you're just friends, Hoseok. You know that he doesn't love you back, what are you so fucking sad about? _

He was sad because independently of anything, there was this thought that he would have had a chance if he wasn't Hoseok. If he had a proper family, some kind of socialisation or even confidence in himself. But he knew that he was trash and that there was no way. It felt unfair.

Suddenly there was a knock on the bathroom door, followed by a whisper.

"Do you mind if I hide here with you?" Hyungwon's low voice sounded from the other side of the door, followed by the attempt to press down the handle.

First there was panic that he had to let someone see his emotional breakdown, but it was Hyungwon, so it was okay, right? Clearing his throat, Hoseok unlocked the door and opened it a little, glancing at the black-haired boy. "You want to come in? Was it obvious that I hid? I'm so sorry," he whispered, locking gazes with the beautiful man.

"_ I'm _ sorry, I said that you are allergic to cherries, but didn't want to tell them about it." Hyungwon smiled with the right corner of his lips before opening the door all the way and slipping inside, quickly closing it behind him. Not even a second passed before Hoseok had warm arms wrapped around him and a palm stroking over his hair. "I said I'd help you out even though I also just wanted to hide. I think they see right through me and that's so fucking scary because I'm trying to be secretive."

"But you have nothing to hide. You're… you're perfect." Hoseok pulled the gorgeous man closer by the grip on his waist and buried his face in the crook of his warm neck. "That's what makes me scared. You're perfect, while I'm… me."

Hyungwon chuckled but it didn't sound cheerful.

"I think that's the trick, somehow you think I am perfect while I consider myself a stuttering mess and you consider yourself worthless while you are the most important person to me. The world is a sad joke." The black-haired boy sighed and kept stroking over his hair, playing with the strands by rubbing them between his fingers. "I… kinda miss the pink."

"I look weird without pink and the piercings, but then again, I fit in more with everything around me. It's a struggle. Either I act to belong or I am myself and don't belong at all. I miss touching and kissing you. I miss it so much." Lifting his head, Hoseok caught Hyungwon's plump lips that tasted like cake, hoping that it was okay.

The black-haired boy kissed back instantly, tilting his head to the side and pushing Hoseok against the cold bathroom wall. "Sorry," he muttered but didn't attempt to separate from him, licking over Hoseok's bottom lip and into his mouth once he was able to. "I missed it too. You can be yourself with me and belong at the same time."

"I'm yours," he gasped and sounded needy. He was definitely needy, melting under Hyungwon's touch and spreading over the bathroom wall like Nutella. "Please."

"You're mine," Hyungwon echoed and pressed him to the wall with his slim hips as their kiss deepened and the black-haired boy inhaled roughly through his nose to avoid separating. "You're mine, Hoseok. I can't let you leave."

_ Are you hallucinating that there's someone who cares about you leaving, or does he really care? _

Hoseok moaned quietly, licking into the boy's hot sweet mouth and responding with pulling the elegant body closer to his chest.

"Shh," Hyungwon whispered and leaned back while still pressing Hoseok into the wall with his hips. "Let's go home, our home. Next time you don't need to change anything, let them see how gorgeous you are." The black-haired boy seemed so sure suddenly, eyes focused and fingers stroking along Hoseok's cheek.

"I'm scared. What if they hate me? What if they tell me to leave and I clutch onto you like a leech?" He cupped the boy's small face and kissed every spot that he found. 

"They won't because I like you, you're my friend." Hyungwon nodded to support his words and smiled a little. "They aren't that strict and they aren't bad people either. They can see that you are a good person and they won't take that away from me. I'm of legal age, Hoseok. I can make my own decisions and my decision is that you are mine."

"Okay," he whispered and nodded, letting his arms hang loosely. "Let's go home." 

Hyungwon nodded in reply and took a few deep breaths before opening the bathroom door and making his way to the dining room. Hoseok could hear him explain that he wasn't feeling well and they would be leaving earlier than planned. The black-haired boy was talking a lot, saying that it was tasty and they would love to come again when there was less stress with university. Coming back to him, Hyungwon smiled apologetically and gestured towards the room he just left.

"Maybe you should say goodbye to be polite. Is that okay or would you rather just leave?" 

"Of course I'll say goodbye!" he exclaimed, hurrying to the dining room and holding out his hand to Hyungwon's mom and dad. "Thank you so much for everything. I'm sorry for talking too much and for not saying much. I really like your son and I will do my best to be a good friend to him."

Hyungwon's mom smiled at him and squeezed his hand before letting go and nodding.

"It's fine, Hoseok, dear. Please get better and next time don't be afraid to tell us if you are allergic to something. Hyungwon is afraid of a lot of things, so please continue to help him. It means a lot to us," the elderly woman explained and looked genuine when she was talking about Hyungwon.

"He'll be fine, he just needs to finish his studies," Hyungwon's dad remarked and squeezed his shoulder once in goodbye. It felt strange to not be insulted or looked at with distaste. 

"You're the nicest people I've ever met apart from Hyungwon and my best friend. Thank you so much, really." Hoseok almost cried, but caught himself in time. 

The older woman smiled and stroked over his head once before asking Martha to show him to the door. The housekeeper happily made her way towards him and led him to the hallway.

"No reason for tears, honey. You should cry when you taste some of my homemade cheese. It's delicious," Martha exclaimed and made sure to hand them their jackets, smile remaining on her lips.

Hyungwon was in the process of slipping into his shoes and throwing his leather bag over his shoulder, eyes focused on him.

"Thank you so much. I need to taste your cheese before I die. If I'm allowed to." Hoseok hugged Martha because he wasn't aware of what was appropriate and was so thankful to the woman. 

As soon as they left and he was sitting on the comfortable seat, staring ahead, he felt scared. Scared that he wanted too much, that his feelings started growing over his head.

"Aren't you… uncomfortable being next to me, now that you know how I feel?"

Hyungwon didn't reply at first and merely readjusted his mirror even though Hoseok knew it wasn't necessary.

"I don't feel uncomfortable, I just… feel like it shouldn't have been me, for your happiness." The black-haired boy sighed loudly and pulled out of the parking spot, slowly but surely leaving the area of Zurich that reminded Hoseok of a different world.

_ Of course it would have been better for his happiness. Wait- he said your happiness. _

"For my happiness? Because you aren't in love with me? But I told you, it's fine with me. I just want you close, Hyungwon. I want to be close to you. I'm so… I know I sound needy and I kind of am, but you are all over my mind. Tomorrow, I want to take you to a place where I spent most of my childhood. If you're okay with it. If you're interested." Hoseok glanced to the side, grateful that the black-haired man was looking ahead.

"Of course I would love to go there. Is it… a place with a lot of people?" The black-haired boy swallowed audibly and tightened his grip on the wheel. "You misunderstood me though. It's not because of my feelings, it's because I'm holding you back. Just like now, I'm scared about your special place having a lot of people, so I'm keeping you from living like other people do, only because- I'm like this. Dating me is terrible, Hoseok. I just stay at home all the time, am too scared to go on dates and just make out at home all the time. Or hate myself for not going out. It depends."

"You're not holding me back. I'm just going to take you there tomorrow. Dating you… I don't know know how to date. I know for sure that I was gay for a few months now and I have no family and no money and I don't know how to go on dates, but just you mentioning a date gives me a semi heart attack and makes me want to scream in excitement. I will be jealous of the lucky person who will be allowed to date you. I already am." Hoseok got so excited that he forgot that he was behaving like a selfish ass. It was time to save his monologue. "That's not what a good friend does, right? Are you tired of me? I could also ask the neighbour if I could hang out with him, I bet he would let me. Then you can have some Hoseok-free time?"

"Don't hang out with the neighbour!" Hyungwon exclaimed so suddenly that Hoseok flinched and worried about their safety as the black-haired man stepped on the brakes. Thankfully, it happened in front of a traffic light, so he took a deep breath to calm himself.

"I- I don't want you to hang out with him. He finds you attractive, but-" Hyungwon licked over his lips and stared at the road ahead even though the traffic light remained red. "But you're mine. I don't want Hoseok-free time. I want Hoseok-only time, all the time. I'm- I'm selfish."

_ You only want to hang out with him. You're the selfish one. _

"I don't think that you are selfish. I just can't believe you would at any point genuinely consider spending all of your time with me. Aren't you more disappointed now that you've seen me knowing absolutely nothing and unable to have a conversation? I'm so envious of you. You can be shy outside, adorable and affectionate with me at home, confident and strong in front of your parents. With me it's just… this." Hoseok gestured along his body and sighed. "It’s always the same me in every situation and at the same time it’s never enough."

"It's the you that I like," Hyungwon whispered and stepped on the gas when the traffic light switched to green. "I'm not disappointed at all because you are yourself, you are nervous but you shine like the sun once you relax. I'm just a terrified mess away from you. I want to be consistent, always confident instead of forgetting everything and being terrified of making a mistake. God, I'm scared of making a mistake now by tying you to me like to a fucking tree."

The boy's hands were gripping the wheel tightly as he kept his eyes on the road and overtook when there was the opportunity. He seemed to be in a hurry to get home.

“I like trees,” Hoseok murmured, unsure what else to say. Hyungwon kept talking about his fears of making a mistake. His whole life had been a pile of various mistakes that he’d made, so he couldn’t understand it. Not really. “Are you afraid of making a mistake because you own so much that you’re scared to lose it? Is that the reason?”

"Huh?" His question caught Hyungwon's attention as he turned briefly to look at him before quickly focusing on the road again. "No, or- maybe. I'm afraid of making a mistake and losing you. I always fuck everything up, so usually, I think that if I don't do something in the first place, then I can't fuck it up. If I don't have a friend, then I can't lose them. Now that I have you I'm so scared of ruining everything."

_ But how? _

“I think that I’m stupid, so you have to explain it to me, because at this point I can’t imagine anything that would make me leave you. I even dreamt that you tried to throw me out and I tied myself to the wardrobe door with the pink towel and refused to leave. It was very believable to be honest, I almost mistook it for something that really happened.” Hoseok giggled, remembering the rather scary dream. Hyungwon was very rough and that’s the only reason he could persuade himself that it had been a dream.

"You dreamt that- what? I would never do that. It's- it's about me, about the way I live. Can you think of anybody who would want to live like that?" Hyungwon sighed and brushed through his long hair with his left hand while keeping the right one on the wheel. "Don't you want to go to cafes and hold hands and kiss in the university park and what not? Don't you have thoughts like that? With literally any other person you could do that, but I'd just have a panic attack and make a fool of myself. I'll just embarrass both of us and then you'll never want to be in public next to me again. People remember shameful things, they will laugh until I die."

_ What? _

“Kissing in the park? My ex-boyfriend said to not talk to him in public. But then he came up to me when he saw me back then at the student cafe. So much for rules.” He turned to the black-haired boy and observed the way his hair fell softly over his pretty ear that he knew by heart by now. Mostly due to sleepless nights and creepy stares while the other man was asleep. “I’ll be with you and we will do a lot of fun things together. I promise to not be embarrassing, but I’ll definitely break that promise, just so you know. I think you are so positive about me because we have never really been anywhere together. Literally the only person on this planet who can handle me in public and is strong or crazy enough to deal with the aftermath is my friend Jooheon. And even he often tries to prevent me from doing weird stuff. Like talking to you at that party. He told me that you were uncomfortable and to leave you alone, but I couldn’t.”

"I'm really happy you talked to me. If the other person doesn't start the conversation, then there won’t be one. I can't start conversations, especially not with people I don't know. I just imagine all possible scenarios and in the end I don't get a single word past my lips. I only managed to talk to you at all because I drank half a bottle of wine that's still standing in our fridge. I can't be weirded out by you in public because I don't fucking go outside, Hoseok. I'm happy when I manage to go to my lectures and hide in the back, so the professor doesn't see me." Hyungwon spoke quickly again and turned around the corner before smoothly sliding into his designated parking spot. The black-haired boy looked like he wanted to be home very badly, turning off the engine in a matter of seconds and climbing out of the spacious car. Maybe it was like Hyungwon had said, he was leaving one safe place to go to the next.

_ You’ll go with him tomorrow. _

“Wait,” he muttered and ran after the slim figure that was carefully glancing into the lobby. Probably unwilling to talk to any neighbors. “You can be embarrassed by me tomorrow because we have to go by tram.” Smiling cheerfully, he grabbed the boy’s slim wrist and pulled him into the building and up the stairs until they arrived at the door to their home. Their home. It sounded like a fairytale. 

"What if I do something stupid?" Hyungwon asked and his breaths sped up while he fumbled with the keys, struggling because his hands were shaking a little. "Then people will stare and I could have a panic attack again." 

“Oh, I will do something stupid. That’s okay, right? And even if you feel scared, we will do the same thing I did in front of the cafe and it will be fine. Okay?” Hoseok helped Hyungwon with the lock and pushed the boy into the apartment, wrapping his arms around his waist and feeling at ease because he was finally allowed to touch him. Sure, his hair and his piercings weren’t the way they were supposed to be and the fabric felt funny on his thighs and chest, but Hyungwon made him feel as if nothing else mattered. “You’re magic,” he whispered, overwhelmed by his own thoughts.

"If… if I shower now, will you be willing to do what we wanted to do before?" the black-haired boy whispered and pushed him into the wall, insecurities fading away with the closed door. Long fingers reached out and stroked over his hair, playing with the sprayed stands. "You can shower too and get rid of the black. I… I really miss the pink."

“Yes. Fuck, yes, to everything.” His breath hitched as soon as he felt the slim hips against his and the blood rushed in his ears from imagination alone. “Can I carry you, or is it something that you don’t like because of the manly man thing?”

"I- actually don't know. I never got to think about whether I like it. I just thought that I shouldn't." Hyungwon looked confused for a brief moment as he leaned back from Hoseok's neck that he had been happily ravishing. "Do you enjoy carrying me?" 

“God, yes,” he murmured before leaning down and lifting the gorgeous boy in the air, lips attaching to the one open button on his shirt that uncovered his collarbone.

The black-haired boy wrapped his arms around his neck and laughed softly, smile remaining until it made way for a soft moan.

"I feel so weightless," Hyungwon whispered and curled his long legs around Hoseok's hips, still in shoes because they hadn't managed to undress properly apart from their jackets. 

“And I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I’m the only one who is lifting you and can kiss you and feel your weight in my arms. I don’t expect you to scream at me or to throw me out, it feels… so different. It’s so different with you.” He made a few steps towards the bathroom and slipped out of his shoes, leaning against the nearby wall to not faceplant along with Hyungwon.

"It feels different for me too because you haven't given up on me yet." Hyungwon smiled and kissed him even though Hoseok was in the middle of getting out of his shoes. "Usually people never get past the silent me, so it feels like I can never take off my peel. With you- it seems like it slips down all on its own."

“This… is so sad. Don’t you feel so incredibly lonely all the time? When you are in fact surrounded by people, but the only feeling you have is fear. And nobody can see it.” Suddenly his eyes burned and a tear slipped past his eyelid, rolling down his cheek and disappearing in the space between them. He didn’t plan on crying, but the pressure in his chest only increased, forcing a gasp past his lips. “Oh god, I’m so sorry.”

The tall boy leaned back and observed him intently, eyes widening.

"Why- why are you crying, Hoseok? I've always lived like this. I don't like it, but I'm also a little used to it. My mom kept saying I'm just shy and I'll grow out of it, but I don't think that's true. I think I'll be like this forever." Hyungwon looked sad as soon as he spoke the word 'forever' and turned to the side, inhaling sharply. "I also wish I could get closer to people. I still can't believe you want to be next to me, that you even love me. I never thought that I was somebody who could be loved by another person."

"You're the only one," he whispered, unable to stop the tears once the boy mentioned his feelings. "You're the only one who never, not even once told me to change the way I am. You are the only person like that, Hyungwon."

"Because I love the way you are." Brown eyes met his as Hyungwon tightened his grip around his neck and held on as if his life depended on it. "But don't you have Jooheon? He cares about you, enough to confront me for hurting you. How can there only be me? You are the one person I'm not scared of. I'm only scared that if I step any closer I will disappoint you. I know that I'm hurting you with my fear, I wish I could change it."

"Jooheon really likes me, he does. But he also thinks that I should change some things to make my life easier and he is probably right, but I'm not able to, or am not investing enough effort. You simply smile and accept me next to you. It has never happened to me before. Ever." After he was finally able to stop his tears, he licked his lips, glancing at the beautiful face a few centimeters above him. "I would like to see every version of you."

"Maybe… maybe it will work," Hyungwon whispered and pressed their foreheads together, brown eyes fluttering shut. "You can be who you are next to me and I will help you with things that are difficult for you and you… you stay next to me. I don't need more than that, I just want you to be mine. I can't share you, I don't want you to be friends with the neighbour or return to your ex-boyfriend. The mere thought makes me so furious. But I'm helpless, because if you go I can't get you back. I can't even leave the fucking house, let alone go to a stranger to get you back."

"You don't need to get me back. I'm here." He pushed himself off the wall and walked the rest of the way to the bathroom, letting the boy's feet touch the tiles. "Are you going to wear your shoes? That's kinky."

"I- no," Hyungwon muttered and quickly slipped out of his leather shoes, before unbuttoning his silk shirt and observing Hoseok intently. "But if you want to do that thing later, shouldn't I… shower on my own?" 

_ He wants to clean up. You were so comfortable that your forgot that he isn't. _

"Ah, yes, right, I'm sorry. Please have a nice shower," Hoseok muttered and walked back through the door, leaving Hyungwon in the spacious bathroom. His roommate was probably nervous, but it was hard to tell. That was one of the things that he liked so much about Hyungwon. He was shy and confident at the same time, talkative and silent. Hoseok was allowed to see it all and he was grateful that he could. 

He went to the kitchen and washed the black colour out of his hair with dishwashing liquid, it smelled nice and he didn't want to lose time. Seeing the wet pink strands made him happy somehow and he only needed to put his piercings in to feel like himself. His clothes landed on a chair next to the wardrobe and he finally felt like himself.

_ Now you do. _

He was naked and pale standing in front of the mirror and observing himself. His wet hair hung in his eyes and his toned body was covered in various sized tattoos. He liked them all because he considered them presents from Jooheon. In general, he looked okay. He considered himself kind of handsome and his best friend kept repeating it. His ex-boyfriend told him that he was pretty, but only when they were alone. They didn't talk outside and Hoseok felt a very strong dislike towards the thought of meeting the guy again.

_ You're spoiled by Hyungwon. He will probably stay the best person who you've ever met. The threshold that will never be reached again. Even after it's all gone. _

His pink towel moved in front of his eyes as he dried his hair some more and he finished just in time to see Hyungwon's black locks and his skinny fingers that curled around the door.

"I washed my hair in the kitchen and now it smells like artificial lemon, I like that," he commented and left the towel on a chair next to the wardrobe before stepping closer. "Don't you want to come in? Or are you scared? Because I'm not, definitely not, going to do anything that you are not willing to do. I will worship your body with kisses until tomorrow if you like. Everything goes."

"I guess I'm just… a little excited," Hyungwon mumbled and shrugged as he stepped into the room, only wearing a towel around his hips. The black-haired boy only rarely ran around naked and Hoseok doubted that it had been different when Hyungwon lived on his own.

The tall boy sat down at the edge of the bed and pulled up his legs to cross them under his pretty butt.

"It's a little strange because I thought I would never be able to do these things because you need to talk and agree to do them, so I only did things that one could do quickly and tell by the sounds whether people like them or not. I had a panic attack during my first blowjob and didn't do it for another 2 years."

“Did you bite him?” He walked over to the bed and sat next to Hyungwon, completely unbothered by his nakedness. He liked being naked. “Even if you did, stuff like that might happen. You are lucky. I was so busy trying to survive that I never thought about that and did everything in the past few months. That was a lot. Kinda.”

The bed was soft and he leaned back on his elbows, overwhelmed by the memories of the past few months. No matter how he looked at it, the memories of his time with Hyungwon were the best of them all.

"I… I didn't bite him or anything. He was just super quiet, so I thought I was doing a terrible job and freaked out. My head is very good at creating worst case scenarios." The black-haired boy shifted closer and pulled him over until Hoseok's head was resting on his towel-covered lap. Hyungwon raked through his pink hair carefully, stroking over his cheek along the way. "I'm sad that you had so many bad experiences. I wish you never got together with your past boyfriend. He sounds like a real asshole. I'd beat him up if I could."

“Noo, it’s okay, you don’t need to feel bad. It helped me to realise that there are things that I don’t really fancy, so it’s fine. Still, I like the time I’ve spent with you the most. You are spoiling me.” Hoseok chuckled and reached above his head to play with the boy’s black locks that hung into his eyes.

"I also like the time I’ve spent with you the most. Usually I'm always worried about saying something wrong, but with you it just feels like I can be myself. I'm… really thankful, Hoseok. So thankful that I'm dreading the day you decide that you want to live on your own and do other things instead of babysitting me." Hyungwon sighed and leaned into the touch, plump lips pressed together into a thin line. "With you even things that I considered wrong seem okay."

“Okay, listen, I’m not some kind of dude who tries to coerce you into stuff you consider wrong and I’m not babysitting you either. You seem way more confident than I am, I don’t understand.” Hoseok sat up and grabbed Hyungwon’s round face to kiss those thick lips that he loved so much.

"God, you're not coercing me. I- I want it, it just… it feels weird to say it. And I thought that I must seem like a child to you, unable to go out, go shopping, buy coffee. I heard what my mom told you, that you should take care of me." Hyungwon seemed unsure, but relaxed as soon as their lips touched, leaning into the kiss as he wrapped his arms around Hoseok's shoulders. 

“But aren’t you taking care of me too? You’re giving me a place to live and food and you are nice too. The nicest person I’ve ever met. You don’t tell me that I’m crazy and you don’t judge me either. I’m so whipped, good lord,” Hoseok groaned as he pushed Hyungwon into the mattress and sat on top of his lap. 

_ You’re a goner. _

The man under him was truly dazzling with his black hair and golden skin, the small, dark nipples and his delicate navel. Hoseok wanted to kiss every spot on his body, worship it and get to know how it tasted. How Hyungwon tasted. “I want to taste you,” he whispered and leaned forward, licking a strip from the long collarbone to the tiny erect bud.

Hyungwon gasped and covered his mouth with his palm before letting go again, brown eyes meeting his, as if the boy knew that Hoseok wanted to hear every single breath.

"Then stay here and be mine. Forever," the low voice whispered and pulled him down into a fierce kiss while hands roamed over his back and chest, brushing over his nipples and tugging at his pink hair to have him closer.

Hoseok liked how determined Hyungwon was and it felt nice to be considered desirable enough for someone to be possessive about him. He chuckled and winked at the handsome boy. “I’m not sure that you are aware of what you are asking for. Forever is a long time.” 

Leaning forward, Hoseok sucked on the tiny nipples and teased them with his tongue piercing, listening to the breathtaking moans. He loved Hyungwon’s voice and how he sounded when he liked what Hoseok was doing. “Can I kiss you down there?” he asked briefly while his lips travelled lower, savoring the distinct taste of the other man’s golden skin.

Hyungwon’s big eyes settled on him and he felt his own emotions tingle in a shudder that ran down his spine. He was lucky. So lucky. It felt special too, the touches that they shared and how he finally understood that the black-haired boy was able to let go with him. He wanted to take the fragile version of the confident man in front of him and kiss it until the end of times.

“I want to kiss all of you, Hyungwon. Because there is no fear in your eyes when I do.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The water travelled down his chest and long legs until it finally reached the white tiles. At the same time there were drops falling all around his naked feet. The longer Hyungwon stared at them, the more obvious it became that he had unusually long toes.

A few months ago he might not have realised, only aware of the way his own toes looked, but now that he had Hoseok living with him he realised a lot of things. For example, the boy had a pretty tattoo along his foot and his toes were round and not as long as Hyungwon's. Even though his body was muscular, Hoseok's hands were delicate and his nails had a pretty form. Hyungwon shamelessly looked at them sometimes while Hoseok was cooking.

_ You're so attentive towards him, but you can't follow his request without getting terrified of using public transit or seeing too many people. _

This was exactly the reason for thinking that he was a bad choice for a lover, the wrong person to be in love with for somebody as exciting and cheerful as Hoseok was. Hyungwon was boring in comparison, a loner and somebody who beat himself up over enjoying un-manly things while feeling ridiculously excited and getting hard in a matter of seconds while preparing.

His legs felt wobbly when he left the glass walls and dried himself sufficiently to not leave a wet trail on the way to the bathroom. He didn't even know if he did a good job. What if he was disgusting in the end and Hoseok never wanted to do it again?

His thoughts were jumping from one worst-case scenario to the next and when he glanced into the bedroom without entering, he couldn't help but stare in wonder at how beautiful Hoseok was. Hyungwon really missed the pink hair and he meant every word when he said that there was no need to hide it anymore. His parents had seen Hoseok and approved of the way he helped Hyungwon, there was no need to hide who he was. 

_ You won't let him go anyway. _

The thought was scary, like Hyungwon physically intended to stop Hoseok from leaving if he wanted to. He doubted that he could do it, but he wanted to force away everybody who wanted to take Hoseok away from him, be it his parents or the stupid neighbour.

Even though he was nervous, everything seemed so easy with Hoseok. The pink-haired boy easily calmed him after he admitted to a panic attack and pressed him into the mattress, licking over his nipples and playing with his skin.

_ He does it so easily, even though it's something strange. How come he never condemns it, not even your possessiveness? _

Hyungwon told him so many times, asking the boy to stay with him forever. He knew that it was a strange thing to ask because it tied Hoseok by his ankle, as if he wanted to keep him like a slave. But Hoseok was anything but a slave. Hyungwon was the slave, a slave to his own emotions and the inability to be on his own.

_ Now that you have him, you cannot let go, like a child with a new toy. _

The look in Hoseok's eyes took his breath away, the affection he could see so clearly. The beautiful boy enjoyed looking at him because there was no fear in Hyungwon's eyes.

_ He is the last person you could be afraid of. Not him, only him leaving. _

"How could I be afraid next to you?" he whispered and stroked over the soft pink strands and the firm muscles that moved under his fingertips. "You're the one person I cannot be afraid of. I'm only afraid of my thoughts and the desire to keep you to myself."

"Keep me," Hoseok replied, traveling lower and kissing the inner side of his thigh, soft lips leaving pleasant warmth and exciting tingling.

_ But why is he okay with it? _

Hyungwon didn't dare to ask out loud as breaths began to leave his lips more frequently and he felt his body react even more, reminding him of the thoughts he had in the shower.

_ What if it's because he's in love with you and he would let you do anything, even if it hurts him? _

The thought was scary and Hyungwon attempted to fight it by hugging the other boy tighter and leaving kisses where he could reach the pale skin. It didn't matter whether there was love, Hyungwon didn't want to hurt Hoseok.

_ You don't want to hurt him, but you want him for yourself. _

He was a coward, a fucking coward that didn't dare to admit he felt the same because he knew it was going to fall apart again. A friendship was more difficult to ruin than a relationship, wasn't it? If he kept it as a friendship, then-

_ Then you might ruin it with your irrational desire to keep him. _

"If- if you take me for yourself," he gasped and took a few deep breaths to finish his sentence, terrified of what the answer might be, "is it okay that I want you for myself then? If you make me yours, will it be okay then?" 

He could make out the dark, round eyes between his legs that glanced up at him. There was no hint about what Hoseok was thinking. 

"Do you want me to take you for myself? But how can I do that?" 

_ How can he do that? _

Hyungwon didn't know, he only knew that he wanted it to happen, to somehow become the other boy's person. He kept looking at those black eyes between his legs and wondered why being close was easier with Hoseok, why he was able to talk and say what he enjoyed. If he wasn't too embarrassed to admit it that is.

"I don't know," he whispered and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I only know that I want to be yours, so everybody knows."

_ So everybody knows and understands that he's yours in return. _

"Do you want people to know that you're my friend? That's so nice of you. Others usually don't want to have anything to do with me in public, so I'm happy. You always manage to make me feel like I matter." The breathtakingly beautiful smile appeared from between his legs before Hoseok stuck out his tongue, piercing in place, and licked over his slit, teasing it with the barbell. 

Hyungwon wanted to reply, to tell Hoseok that it wasn't about being friends, but that it was so much more than that. Instead, he only managed to throw his head back and suppress the embarrassing noise that left his lips. It was still loud enough to be audible, but at least he hadn't screamed.

His thighs flexed and he struggled to lift his head again and watch the way Hoseok was visibly enjoying himself. It felt really good and his toes curled from the pleasure, accompanying each time the pink-haired boy slipped the barbell onto his slit.

"Fuck- Hoseok, I won't last," he mumbled and already envisioned himself orgasming prematurely and covering Hoseok's face with his cum again. Like a fucking pervert without stamina.

Humming in agreement, Hoseok gave himself a few seconds to enjoy his moans before the boy took his legs and bent him, licking over his crack and circling his entrance with his warm tongue. He could feel every move of the barbell against his rim. 

_ Why do you like this so much? _

Hyungwon didn’t have an explanation and his mind was also not in the state to look for one. This was exactly what he had been thinking about when he finally decided to try putting a finger inside his own body. Sure, it would have been easier if he had not done it, if he still didn’t know how good it felt, but now it was too late and the burning in his groin despite no friction against his erection told him enough.

“Shit, why do I feel like this?” he moaned and covered his eyes with his forearm, hoping that it would make being bent over and pleasured by the boy’s lips less compromising.

"Why do I feel like this?" Hoseok mirrored and tightened his grip on his thighs, pulling him against his tongue that circled and licked over the sensitive skin, pressure increasing with every movement. "I'm supposed to put that plug inside you but I'm only thinking of putting parts of my own body inside. Fuck."

_ Oh god. _

Hyungwon tried not to think about it, he really did, focusing on the licks against his rim, on Hoseok's warm breaths that tickled his skin. Such a reversal of roles was the last thing his father expected of him, even if he had thought about it before, back when he realised that he enjoyed the sensation.

_ Because Hoseok doesn't like it, but you do, which means that you would have to switch to make it good. _

But Hyungwon didn't know if he liked it. Maybe he only thought that he did, but actually he was also a gay man that preferred to be inside of others. That was possible, wasn't it? There was no reason to give up so easily only because he was a moaning mess when Hoseok stimulated his crack.

_ You've never tried to be inside anybody, so you don't know. You don't know either of the two. _

"Have you done it before?" Hyungwon gasped instead of remaining quiet and enjoying the feeling as he should have. He slipped his forearm to the side to be able to look up, to see the way Hoseok bent him and observed him intently. The boy's eyes were pitch black.

"What exactly? Putting parts of me inside someone? Only once. My tongue. With you." The cool lips vibrated against his rim as Hoseok hummed lowly. "Just ignore me."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that when you-" Hyungwon couldn't finish his sentence and moaned instead, legs spreading wider which was even more embarrassing, as if he wanted to push his butt into Hoseok's face.

_ He also doesn't know, Hyungwon. He's only been at the receiving end. _

"H-Hoseok," he stuttered and tried to make the pink-haired boy pause by squeezing his head between his legs. It was a shitty method, but he didn't have anything else. "Is… is a plug a lot?"

_ God, you sound so stupid. Just shut up and let it happen or he'll ditch you for being such a turn off. _

"A plug? This one is medium, so not little but also not very much. It's nice. Just the slide is meh, for me. We will stop and I'll fuck your slit if you feel the slightest bit of discomfort. Would you like me to… put my fingers inside first?" Hoseok looked shy, blush covered cheeks peeking from between his legs.

If Hoseok's face was pink, then Hyungwon must have looked like Little Red Riding Hood's cape. He took a few calming breaths while observing Hoseok's gorgeous face and wondered why he was so embarrassed. Because he liked it? Or because he didn't know what to do?

_ How could you stop if he dealt with the discomfort when you fingered him even though he really doesn't like it? _

"Will it… will it make it easier?" he asked carefully and wished he had just nodded instead. This way there was still the possibility for the other boy to deny it and say it wasn't necessary and then Hyungwon didn't have an excuse anymore. Fuck, why did he have to like this so much? His hips were narrower than Hoseok's, so was it better to use fingers first? He had no fucking idea.

"I don't do it, because I don't enjoy the slide, but it's easier if you are not as tight. Would you like to try?" The boy opened his mouth, inserted two fingers and covered them in saliva before reaching between his legs and circling his entrance.

Hyungwon's heart began to thump loudly in his ears and he couldn't tell whether it was only excitement, a feeling that was supported by the fact that he was still perfectly erect, or anxiety because he might not have done a good enough job at preparing himself. Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, he nodded and didn't dare to look away from the pink-haired boy.

Hoseok must have remembered something as he reached for his side of the bed and took out a small pink bottle of lube, squeezing some on his fingers and returning them to the spot between his legs.

"Would you like to kiss me while I do that?" the boy asked hesitantly and he could see the blush as he leaned closer.

_ Is he nervous too? Because he’s never done it with somebody else? _

But if Hoseok’s never done it before, then there might not be any expectations Hyungwon could break. Maybe it was okay to just- feel and hope that the handsome boy enjoyed the way he felt from the inside.

There was no need for Hyungwon to think about whether he wanted to kiss as he immediately nodded and stretched out his arms, waiting for Hoseok to be close enough so he could wrap them around the boy's neck. It was easier when his lips were occupied, when he couldn't say or do something stupid because he was busy kissing that curved mouth.

Hoseok almost fell forward, connecting their lips and humming against his mouth as the warm finger entered his body and curled, searching for the spot that felt so nice.

Hyungwon purposefully lifted his legs a little higher and gasped into Hoseok's mouth at the intrusion. It didn't hurt, but it also didn't feel like something he was used to. The way the boy's fingers moved felt kinda nice, but it wasn't the blurry pleasure that almost made him faint in the shower.

_ Does that mean you like it, but you can also live without it? _

"It- it doesn't hurt," he murmured and covered Hoseok's mouth with his own again, licking in between the hot lips and tasting a little bit of cherry-chocolate cake.

"That's- that's amazing. Just tell me if I'm doing a shit job and you want me to stop." Hoseok kissed his mouth corners and moved his wrist, improving the angle and pressing down right where it felt good. "There it is," he exclaimed proudly and leaned back, staring at him. 

A small part of Hyungwon wished the other boy hadn't leaned back, because this way his loud moan wasn't caught by lips and echoed through the bedroom. His vision turned white for a few seconds and he remembered why he enjoyed it so much, gasping and thighs flexing in anticipation of the feeling to return. Even his behind contracted and he mentally begged that Hoseok wasn't able to tell. Fuck, the onslaught of pleasure felt amazing, even more so because he couldn't tell when it would happen again.

_ Because Hoseok is making you feel that way instead of your own fingers. _

He made a weird noise instead of asking Hoseok to do it again and tugged at the pink hair, hoping that he made sense.

The boy moaned in return even though Hyungwon didn't do anything and started rubbing the spot inside him while moving his digit carefully. It was sufficient to give up on paying attention and to simply throw his head back with his lips parted. There was no way for him to know where his limbs were or whether he spread his legs more than necessary. Hyungwon only felt the constant burning in his groin and couldn't resist pushing his hips towards the sensation. There was never enough air in his lungs and he kept gasping for it, right in between each ridiculously loud moan that left his lips.

It didn't sound like him at all, but it also wasn't the first time that he didn't sound like himself. Back when Hoseok rubbed over his crack and both of them lost their minds it was similar. Hyungwon didn't want it to stop and tried to encourage Hoseok by tugging at his hair again. Each single motion against that spot made him see stars and he never wanted it to stop.

_ You were right, it's addicting and you're going mad. _

"Fuck, please," he begged and rubbed his black hair over the soft pillow Hoseok had gifted him, messing up the wet strands while being unable to give a single shit.

"Fuck, Hyungwon, you…" the familiar low voice murmured and he felt the warm mouth on his neck followed by sharp teeth that sunk into his skin. The boy's movements got faster, pumping in and out of his body and hitting against the sweet spot.

Hyungwon felt his fingers wrap around something with force, holding on tightly. The way his fingertips sunk into soft skin told him it must have been the pink-haired boy, but he wasn’t able to hold back. Arousal burned in his lower body and he felt tempted to just push Hoseok into the mattress and move on his own, to keep feeling the rush of pleasure as often as he liked.

“I’m going mad,” he whispered and wrapped his legs around Hoseok’s back, attempting to push him down in the hope that the speed of his fingers would change. “I’m going fucking mad, Hoseok.”

"More… Do you want more, Hyungwon? Tell me, I'll give it to you," Hoseok moaned and nibbled on his shoulder, circling and rubbing inside him so slowly that it drove him insane. He wanted more, so much more. 

Hyungwon only managed to nod as he sunk his head into the pillow again and attempted to breathe in, to get enough oxygen. Usually he was scared when he couldn’t breathe, but right now he couldn’t care less, only focused on the way the boy on top of him moved his fingers and seemed to be in charge of pulling gasps from his lips. He wanted more, so fucking much that he felt like screaming it at Hoseok. Had he been able to get enough air, he even might have.

_ Why are you reacting like this? You'll scare him. _

The burning sensation faded for a brief moment before Hoseok pushed two fingers inside him, quickly finding the spot and continuing his ministrations. "Do you want me to go faster? Or do you want the plug?"

Hyungwon only nodded again, unsure what exactly he was agreeing with. His body instantly burned again as soon as Hoseok pushed against that spot and he whimpered from the inability to do anything else. It still didn't hurt even though it felt like more than before. If he focused he could tell when the boy's knuckles moved past the rim, but the whole combination felt too good to stay aware for long.

Suddenly the fingers disappeared and Hoseok shuffled a bit before a thick object propped against his entrance, filling him out slowly.

"Is it okay?" the boy asked. 

_ What the hell is happening? _

Hyungwon already mourned the loss of pleasure until he finally registered what was going on and his eyes opened wide, focusing on Hoseok's handsome face. The pink-haired boy was looking at him intently while his hands bridged a bit with every passing second. His lips were red and the blush spread to his chest and looked so attractive with the obvious arousal. His entrance clenched around the toy and the boy's dick twitched when he registered it, showing immediate reaction. 

"Is it? We can stop if you don't like that."

_ You have to reply, you can't just lie here. _

Hyungwon blinked a few times and attempted to relax. He quickly realized that the intrusion was unpleasant if he tensed up too much, so he spread his thighs wider and tried to stop thinking about the fact that Hoseok was putting a plug inside him that was definitely bigger than fingers.

"I'm- I'm okay," he stuttered and felt embarrassed by the fact that he actually enjoyed the fullness and how easily the black material moved over his rim. Hoseok must have prepared him sufficiently to feel at ease with the intrusion and be able to focus on how good it felt. The more of the plug slipped inside him, the faster his heart was beating, as if it knew exactly what awaited him if he was patient enough. 

The boy nodded and he felt the fullness and sparks of white that littered his vision when he moved a little bit. Next, Hoseok took his hips and made wavy movements with them before leaning in and covering his tip with his full lips.

Hyungwon whimpered at how good it felt and couldn't find a decent way to shut up apart from biting down on his right palm. The pain distracted him a little from the combined bliss and kept him from coming into Hoseok's mouth after exactly two seconds of stimulation to his dick.

_ You'll just orgasm immediately, you can't, Hyungwon. _

His eyes opened again and he tried to distract himself from the way it felt, from how much he liked Hoseok rolling his hips even though it was fucking embarrassing. He should have moved himself or something equally appropriate, but instead he was a moaning mess and could barely talk.

_ You have to make him stay with one thing at a time, or you'll just come prematurely. _

"Can you-" he forced out and tugged at Hoseok's hair to pull him off his dick, "can you move it?"

_ Why are you telling him to move it? That doesn't mean he'll stop sucking your dick, shit. _

The round eyes widened as Hoseok let his dick slip out of his mouth, staring at him in mild shock. Hyungwon's brain was quick to come up with worst-case scenarios, to understand that he must have asked for something weird, something that the pink-haired boy wasn't willing to do. 

_ Of course, he thinks it's weird, you thought the same even before asking for it. _

Hyungwon looked up from the sheets, staring at those black eyes and waiting for a sign of rejection. It was only a matter of time.

For a few seconds nothing happened, until he felt the warm fingers that pulled the toy out halfway and smoothly pushed it back in, all of it under Hoseok's now fascinated gaze.

Hyungwon wasn't able to remain in place and let his head drop back on the pillow, moaning loudly before he was able to cover his lips with his palm. His thighs were shaking and he fought with himself to keep his body in place instead of pushing it right against the toy in Hoseok's hand. It should have been embarrassing, the way he lay on his back with his knees pulled to his chest and moaned loudly from the motion of a toy inside of him.

_ You're crazy, you're fucking crazy. _

"I think I'm going to come untouched just from watching you," Hoseok's low voice sounded from between his legs and he felt the boy's lips on his as Hoseok started moving faster, savoring his neck and collarbones, sucking on his nipples and pushing him down with the weight of his muscular body.

_ He must be lying, he's probably perfectly composed while you are- _

Hyungwon whimpered again and let Hoseok's lips cover the sound, kissing back intently while lifting his legs up to make it easier for Hoseok to move his hand. He felt so fucking close even though the pink-haired boy wasn't even touching him, it was only the sensation in his behind.

"I'm so sorry for being like this, fuck- please don't stop," he begged and felt his toes curl from the constant fueling of his arousal. His thighs flexed and he already knew what was about to happen right before it did, pleasure building up until it finally exploded in his groin and painted his vision snow white. He screamed, barely recognising his own voice.

_ You must have lost your mind. _

The next thing he registered was the boy's tongue that licked his release from his stomach, hand carefully moving the toy inside him even though he just orgasmed. He should have felt overly sensitive, but it wasn't the case. Instead it just kept feeling good and a few slides of the toy were sufficient to make him worry about getting hard again.

_ You should be worried about the fact that you enjoy him moving a toy inside your body that was made for keeping it in fucking place. _

Hyungwon didn't know what was wrong with him, why he reacted so intensely and forgot all common sense, begging Hoseok to do things the other boy hadn't even planned on. What if Hoseok was weirded out and just wanted to do a normal blowjob session instead of whatever the fuck this was?

_ You're like those gays on TV, aren't you? _

"Hyungwon…?" Hoseok asked suddenly, voice strained and followed by a noise of the handsome man next to him swallowing a few times.

Hyungwon only hummed and stroked over the boy's hair. It was mostly for himself, to distract himself from his thoughts and the fact that something must have gone wrong. He just didn't know when and how to fix it yet. The beautiful boy sounded like he was struggling, but of course he was with all of Hyungwon's unreasonable requests.

_ He is probably thinking about how to tell you that he's not in love with you anymore because there are just way more things wrong with you than he thought. _

The worst bit was that his body still burned for more, telling him that it was exactly what he needed and all of his thoughts were unnecessary. But they weren't. Enjoying a finger or two was kind of okay, maybe like Hoseok liking a plug, but not enjoying sex. The way Hyungwon reacted told him he enjoyed the slide, the motion of something big inside him that took his breath away and caused him to see stars. It was the worst conclusion he could have made for himself.

_ You're a bottom, Hyungwon. _

***

His arousal burned between his legs and the way he kept twitching at every move and sound of the black-haired man in front of him told him a surprising, but very clear story.

_ You love this and he loves this, Hoseok. _

First, he was envious, wanting to be able to move in the same way, beg for more and love every single motion, erection twitching and breathtaking moans filling the room with their addicting sound. Hyungwon was one of a kind, dazzling in every single way. He was stunning while arching his back, while his lips parted in a scream of his name, how he panted and tried to cover his big eyes with the back of his hand that looked elegant, covering most of his face. Hoseok wanted to worship every single drop of sweat that formed on the boy's pretty forehead, he wanted to connect the dots and place a kiss on each spot, but most of all, he wanted for his sanity to return. To be freed from the vivid pictures, the result of his imagination that made him want Hyungwon in a way he didn't think about before.

_ You want him because you are addicted to how he reacts. _

Hoseok wanted to be the one to make the black-haired man feel like this. Not the black delicate toy that he moved with his hand. He wanted to be the toy.

"Hyungwon…?" he asked, unable to think of any kind of thought apart from Hyungwon's body that still trembled from the movements of his hand. The boy didn't reply, lying there and remaining silent. Maybe Hyungwon didn't want him, now that he knew that he liked the way toys felt inside him. Why would he keep Hoseok, a person who was in love with him but at the same time so greedy for his body? 

"Hyungwon?" he whispered again, fingers tightening in the boy's side.

"Yeah?" the low voice replied and he felt long fingers stroke over his hair as Hyungwon stared at the ceiling, inhaling roughly from the pleasure that must have left its mark on the boy.

"Could you… could you please touch me? Or… I- I can also touch myself, but you would probably think that I'm weird, so I wanted to make sure to ask first, I… I can't think," Hoseok breathed out and buried his face in Hyungwon's neck.

He could feel the black-haired boy tense until he suddenly shifted and cupped his face, big brown eyes meeting his.

"I'm- I'm so fucking sorry. Shit- I'm the worst, the absolute worst," Hyungwon whispered and leaned in to kiss him, plump lips brushing over his before the boy leaned back again. "I was so convinced that you must be disgusted by the way I respond that I didn't even think you would want me to. Please let me touch you."

A few seconds passed during which Hyungwon examined his face, as if the handsome boy wanted to make sure that it was really something Hoseok wanted. Once he seemed to find what he was looking for, he slipped down and turned Hoseok so that he was lying on his back and Hyungwon was between his legs. Had Hoseok not been observing the boy's beautiful face, he might not have realised the force with which he was biting down on his bottom lip. He was trying to contain sounds that would have usually accompanied the gorgeous contractions in Hyungwon's thighs and abdomen.

"Can I take you into my mouth?" the black-haired boy asked quietly and attempted to stay perfectly still. He must still be so sensitive.

_ He's trying to hold back. He probably doesn't want you to see him like that. _

"Please. But before you do, I want you to know that I have never once in my life seen a person who is as attractive as you. The- the way you move and how you breathe and moan, your… I'm so sorry, but I'm so overwhelmed, please don't throw me out."

"I'd never do that," Hyungwon murmured and licked over the tip of his erection, probably tasting the precum that had already developed. "Don't you think it is embarrassing to… to scream like that? Especially as a guy." Long fingers stroked over his inner thighs and began to play with his balls as Hyungwon leaned forward and let his erection slip into the hot mouth. He could feel how the boy moaned around his length when he shifted, reminding him of the sounds Hyungwon must have been holding back.

_ He probably doesn't trust you with this. Why would he if you didn't do anything apart from declaring your love and enjoying his display of pleasure? He must feel uncomfortable. _

"I want to scream so badly. Can I? I was always scared that you would throw me out because Jay always said that I wasn’t allowed to be loud and my parents told me not to use my voice too much or else I'd be sleeping on the street. I still slept on the street, I shouldn't have trusted them in the first place." Hoseok sighed but the sigh turned into a breathy moan at the sensation. He caught himself wanting to have the sight of the boy's backside too. Like a greedy dick.

Hyungwon lifted his head to look at him, erection slipping from his lips, but he didn't stop stimulating his balls and stroking over the base.

"You… enjoy screaming? I thought you might think I'm fucked in the head for doing that. You… you don't?" the black-haired boy asked and seemed surprised, eyes turning bigger. "Don't you think it's… not manly?" 

"If my ass wasn't sore I would demand to be plugged with my pink plug and wiggle my butt with the tail. Do you have any idea how amazing that looks? As if I'm an actual bunny!" Hoseok lifted on his elbows and looked at the handsome man between his legs. "I enjoy showing every little thing that I feel, be it with sounds or with my body and believe me when I say… I almost came just from watching you just now. I… I don't think I was ever this aroused in my life. I'm so sorry for being greedy and a hypocrite, but that's just who I am. I can't reverse it. Moving that buttplug inside you gave me pictures I'll jerk off to for the rest of my life. Thank you."

Hyungwon was listening intently and seemed a little uncomfortable while rubbing his tongue over Hoseok's slit. He doubted that the black-haired boy was aware of the fact that it kept him from talking properly, especially since Hyungwon seemed so occupied with his own thoughts.

"But… it seems so strange to me, because if it is you, then it's okay somehow. Like you can decide to like whatever you want. The difference is me. When… it's me, then this seems wrong somehow. I shouldn't like this so much, I shouldn't mentally beg you to continue and to want you to put things inside of me. It's- fucked up." Hyungwon sighed and took his whole erection into his mouth, as if to shut himself up. He hummed once before sliding back up and chewing on his lips. "I felt so insecure because I couldn't tell how you reacted. Before… before you moaned while moving and the sound drove me mad. Now it was just me losing my sanity and being embarrassing."

"I imagined sleeping with you. I'm sorry," he whispered and slapped a hand in front of his eyes. It was a weird combination. The arousal that burned between his legs, begging him for a final release and his guilt over his thoughts, reminded him that he might have done wrong to the person he loved. "I know I shouldn't be like this as a friend, but this is driving me mad, Hyungwon. I.. you looked…" As if to confirm his thoughts he twitched right in Hyungwon's face as a terrible finish.

"Would you… like to do what we did before?" Hyungwon asked after a long break during which he mainly observed him intently and took a few deep breaths as if he needed them to speak the words.

"You don't have to… oh god, I'm so sorry for telling you. I can't keep shit for myself, even stuff nobody wants to know. You don't have to do anything, I swear! Just-" _ Just jump out of the window, Hoseok. _"Please slap me."

Hyungwon pressed down on his hips, as if the other boy thought he was going to run away for some reason. When Hoseok didn't move the grip loosened and the black-haired boy glanced to the side, looking embarrassed.

"I want to," he muttered, but Hoseok wouldn't have heard it had he not seen those plump lips move. Lifting his head, Hyungwon carefully climbed on top of him, lips parted in a moan that the gorgeous boy tried to hide but wasn't able to. "I- I can sit on top of you, but you'll have to… take it out."

He was perplexed, unsure what was happening and how the mood turned completely, the situation suddenly offering him all the nice things he didn't deserve. 

"Cough once," he whispered and reached behind Hyungwon, taking the end and pulling it out as soon as the boy complied. It was funny as he usually did so because he didn't like the slide, but for the black-haired boy he didn't need the distraction. The cough even fluently transitioned into a moan that Hyungwon wasn't quick enough to hide. It must've felt amazing. 

"Please," he begged, curling his fingers around the round hips and moaning just from the sight.

The black-haired boy nodded softly and sat down on top of him, letting his erection fit smugly between his butt cheeks that he flexed, as if to try it out.

"Is this… nice?" he asked and rolled his hips forward, sliding along his length with his behind. It felt even better than last time because of the lube and the fact that Hyungwon pressed his hips down on purpose.

He arched his back and groaned. Eyes fluttering shut and begging for Hyungwon to continue. "Again, please do it again," he moaned helplessly, unwilling to take the boy's hips and move them because he had gotten enough things that he liked to last him a lifetime.

_ Which means there shouldn't be many more coming. _

Hyungwon gasped and repeated the smooth roll of his hips. Warm palms were placed on Hoseok's chest and pressed down as Hyungwon used it for leverage to move and at the same time to remain in place.

"What do you imagine when I do this?" the low voice asked, much breathier than it had been only a moment ago. Hoseok wasn't the only one enjoying it, the way Hyungwon's hips sped up and gasps left his plump mouth told him the boy felt the same. 

"I imagine that I'm inside you and you are riding me," he shot out truthfully, letting out all kinds of sounds that sounded needy, just like he felt. "I imagine that I can make you feel the same way that the toy did."

Hyungwon moaned softly at his words and he briefly felt the boy's nails on his chest. The feeling disappeared as quickly as it came though and was overshadowed by another smooth hip roll right over his dick.

"Do you think you would like that?" Hyungwon asked and leaned down to lick into his mouth before a moan forced him to break the kiss and throw his head back.

"Fuck, torture me more," he hissed and arched his spine, thrusting up in the process. "I can't think about anything else, Hyungwon, I'm so close, fuck."

Leaning down again, those plump lips brushed over his while the gorgeous boy kept rolling his hips over his erection.

"I love the way you feel," the low voice breathed out, right into his face. "It drives me mad, Hoseok."

"You own me, fuck, you own all of me," he moaned loudly and rolled his hips again, thighs flexing and trembling from the effort it cost to not come right there.

"You're mine," Hyungwon gasped and licked over his earlobe before biting into his neck softly. The black-haired boy didn't stop his motions, easily adapting to Hoseok's rhythm and pressing down to give him more friction. "Come for me, Hoseok."

He was bad at following orders, but this time he was the best boy to ever exist. His hands curled around Hyungwon's waist and he held onto the boy's warm body and moved himself, orgasming with a loud groan of Hyungwon's name and the feeling that half of his head exploded along with his release.

"Friends my ass," he whispered in half delirium while his fingers sunk into Hyungwon's skin.

The handsome boy was breathing heavily, hips still firmly placed on top of him and palms flat against his chest.

"We're so much more than friends and I'm scared of breaking it," Hyungwon whispered quietly before simply leaning forward and lying down on top of him, head resting on his shoulder. It was only possible because the boy lifted up on his knees, butt in the air, but it must have been worth it.

"I want to hold you because I'm developing this weird feeling that with every step closer I get, there will be more reason for you to push me away. I don't want to leave. I want to stay with you. I…" 

_ You love him. _

"Please stay," Hyungwon replied and rubbed his round nose over his shoulder. "You make me burn so much, even with your smile alone, that it feels like I'm a candle that'll just fade away without you around. I want you to get closer, I do. I'm only scared it will hurt more once you change your mind."

_ How can he think like that? _

"I won't change my mind. I love you, Hyungwon," he said quietly, wrapping both arms around the boy's broad shoulders and unwilling to let go no matter what happened or what the reaction would be. 

"And if I felt the same, would that make you happy?" Hyungwon asked softly, breaths tickling his neck as the boy tensed in his arms. "Even though I'm unable to go on dates, drink coffee together, meet your friends and all those things couples do?" 

He thought about the words and failed to imagine what the boy was talking about. There was nothing to compare, no reference. 

"I don't know, Hyungwon. I don't know because I only know rejection and it's the only reaction I'm used to. But regarding dates and friends and coffee… right now, for me, the way you are lying here in my arms is more than enough. More than any of my dreams could ever entail. You are the most vivid and the most dazzling dream of them all. I don't want to wake up."

"Me neither," Hyungwon whispered back and lifted his head to kiss him. "Because then I don't have to watch it falling apart."

"Don't worry. I'll be here with you as long as you want me to. I promise." As soon as the words left his lips, he felt a tremble in the boy's shoulders, followed by hot liquid running down his collarbone. Hyungwon didn't say anything and merely nodded in reply, silently crying into his shoulder.

He could promise it because not even once had he been the one to leave. 

_

He never thought he would, but Hoseok started loving mornings. The dampened waves in which his consciousness returned accompanied by the warmth of another person lying in his arms, snuggled against his chest. The ticklish sensation of the black hair against his neck and especially the calmness. 

_ As if nothing will happen and it will stay like this. _

Hoseok shifted, feeling his morning erection move smoothly along the boy's perky butt and reminding him of the night before. The memories were so vivid and he could almost feel Hyungwon's warm tears on his shoulder. 

_ This describes it well, doesn't it? Feeling your emotions overflow while your dick is hard. _

If he wasn't Hoseok, he would have stayed like this, enjoyed the time that it lasted, the calmness and silence. Instead of all that, he curled his arms tightly around the boy's body and wrapped his legs around his hips, pulling him closer against his chest.

"I'm just going to stay attached to you like a leech," he murmured, burying his face in the boy's nape. 

"Please do," Hyungwon mumbled incoherently and pushed the warm blanket further between his long legs. "Then I won't have to go out."

_ You wanted to take him to the swing. _

Hoseok remembered and wrapped himself tighter around Hyungwon's attractive body, taking into account that the boy must have felt his dick against his ass. 

"I will go out with you because I need to show you something. We can do that. When was the last time that you were on a tram?" 

"I- I've never been on a tram," Hyungwon stuttered and buried his face deeper into the pillow Hoseok gave him as a present. "When my mom wanted to take me as a child, I had a panic attack and since then we only went by car. I got a license as soon as I was able to. A family member taught me."

"Then I will take you by tram. I always play the station naming game, it's a lot of fun, you'll see," Hoseok commented and giggled. "You have me and if you have a panic attack I'll kiss you until you can't breathe. Deal?"

"But- it's not that easy, Hoseok." Hyungwon sounded resigned as he shifted and tried to turn a little to be able to look at him properly. "A panic attack feels terrible, it's like I'm suffocating, dying and everybody can see. If you kiss me they will only look more, wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. They'll recognize me on the streets and laugh. It'll be terrible."

Suddenly Hyungwon's eyes widened and he covered his face with his hands. 

"Oh god, what if they can tell I've never taken the tram before? I'll be the only idiot that everybody will look at. You'll be embarrassed just standing next to me and then you won't want to go out with me ever again. Maybe you'll even want to move out because it's that terrible. I don't want that, fuck." Breathing heavily, the black-haired boy rolled up into a tiny ball and trembled as if whatever he had just imagined already happened.

Hoseok didn't allow him to, pulling the slim body on top of himself.

"That's what I'm saying, none of that will happen, and you know why? Because I'm always the one who really gets looked at and I'm the one who attracts all the attention, so you'll be able to enjoy complete lack of attention. People don't look, and if they look they stop giving a shit after exactly two seconds. I'll show you."

Hyungwon swallowed and glanced up from his hand prison, brown eyes peeking through in between the slim fingers.

"Are you sure? Is the attention… fine with you? Won't people look at me because I'm with you? I think you underestimate how much people judge me." Sighing, the black-haired boy freed himself from Hoseok's embrace and sat up, staring at his lap. "I know I'm being irrational, I know it. I also know it makes no sense, but everything in my head is trying to keep me away from people, so I don't fuck up. I'm only able to go out when somebody takes me by the hand and leads me. I'm a fucking child."

"I'm the child, that's why I do irrational shit. We have to think about it, I'm of the opinion that people only look at me, even if I have somebody with me, but you could also stand far away and watch my performance. It's so much fun, I swear. First I did it because I wanted attention, but now I just like doing it because it's amazing how people don't give a shit." Sighing quietly, Hoseok pulled the boy's hands away from his eyes and placed a kiss on his thick lips.

Hyungwon was silent for a few moments before whispering 'okay' and wrapping his arms around his neck. Again Hoseok felt like the black-haired boy trusted him so much, doing things he was afraid of because of him.

"You keep saying that you are keeping me from doing things, but you don't. I'll just drag you along because I'm terrible." Hoseok turned them and sat on top of Hyungwon, connecting their lips again. "Let's go."

The tall boy only nodded again and the lack of color in his face told Hoseok that he must be nervous.

"I'm sorry in advance," Hyungwon mumbled and brushed through his long black hair, uncovering his pretty face and red lips that stuck out despite the pale cheeks. 

_ You are sorry. _

The whole apology thing was getting tiring, so he stuck out his tongue and made suggestive movements while wiggling his eyebrows. "If you don't die, I'll give you the best orgasm ever," he commented and grinned.

The pretty blush that spread over the boy's cheeks was way better than his previous fear as Hyungwon quickly jumped up from the bed and attempted to brush through his hair while getting dressed quickly. It looked funny and Hoseok wondered how the tall boy managed not to fall over with his long legs.

When Hyungwon had brushed his teeth, eaten a sandwich and was dressed for everything but a trip on the tram, the black-haired boy chewed on his cheek and leaned against the door, observing him.

"I'm faster," the low voice whispered and he could see the hint of a smile on those plump lips. "Does that mean I get to give you the best orgasm ever?" 

"You are gifting me the best time of my life right now, how can I be greedy for more?" he asked quietly while slipping into his shoes. "But yes, I'm greedy for more, please do." 

Grabbing the boy's wrist, Hoseok pulled him along into the hallway, meeting the cute neighbor who had just left his apartment.

"Oh, hi!" The boy leaned against the wall and stared at him, smiling shyly. It was adorable.

"Hi! I hope you used that egg well," Hoseok replied and grinned. "Do you need more eggs?" 

The boy shook his head and lifted his gaze, glancing at Hyungwon once before returning to his face.

"I actually wanted to ask whether you had time to hang out."

_ Oh. Ooooh. _

"I work a lot, and right now I need to show my friend how well I can ride a tram, so see you later, I guess?" Hoseok winked and waved at the handsome man who showed the usual expression of confusion at his words. Thinking about the situation just now, he pulled Hyungwon into the elevator and pressed the ground floor.

"I hate him," the black-haired boy whispered suddenly and clenched his fists, slim back leaning against the wall of the elevator. "He likes you, I just know it. And he can hang out and doesn't need anybody to show him how to use a fucking tram."

"But I wanted to show you how I can use the tram. And I told him that I'm busy. Did you want me to hang out with him? I… I can go now, I guess. But I wanted to show you how fun I am." Hoseok sighed and pressed the upper floor again, sad that Hyungwon wanted to give him to the neighbour. 

"What, no!" the other boy exclaimed and pressed the button again, cancelling the request to go back up. Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his waist as if he wanted to stop him from going anywhere, holding on so tightly that Hoseok felt the boy's arms tremble. "I don't want you to hang out with him. I want you for myself, but I know that you'd probably like hanging out with him more. But I still want you to be with me, fuck. Don't go."

"I won't go. I told you, I'll stay with you for as long as you will tolerate my presence. Don't make any promises until you see me outside." Catching the boy's lips, he pushed him against the elevator wall and ravished his mouth, moaning softly at how good it felt to feel Hyungwon's heartbeat against his chest. "I'm your leech, please like me."

"I like you, I like you so fucking much that I want you for myself," Hyungwon exhaled, lips remaining parted and eyes fluttering shut as Hoseok deepened the kiss. "I don't want you to go meet him. I want you to be with me, forever."

"I don't want you to give me to him. It's illegal." Hoseok muffled his own words with an additional kiss before the doors opened. "Jooheon once said that I make him feel as if nothing matters and as if there's nothing to be afraid of. Sure, he was very drunk and tried to kiss me, but I remembered and I hope that it's true and that I can make you feel like that too. Without you having to drink."

Hyungwon nodded softly and merely followed him out of the elevator, eyes focused on the ground as if it was necessary as soon as they weren't alone anymore. There wasn't even anybody around, but still Hyungwon seemed to be hyper-aware of the fact they were out in the open, breathing fresh air.

"Does… Jooheon like you? The way you like me?" the black-haired boy asked suddenly and tucked his shirt deeper into his jeans.

"No, god, no. I don't think anybody likes anyone the way I like you. You're special and the only one. You're my dude and I'm your bunny." Smiling cheerfully, he walked to the station and pulled out his wallet, feeling proud of being able to buy Hyungwon a ticket.

"Is it expensive?" The black-haired boy glanced over his shoulder and Hoseok couldn't believe that somebody didn't know how much a single ticket cost. Hyungwon seemed genuinely curious, but even after seeing it he didn't seem to know whether it was really expensive or not. "What… makes the way you feel special and different from others? What makes you so sure that I cannot feel that way?" 

"Because I've never felt this way before. I've met a lot of people and I was close in different ways, but what I feel towards you, it's- I guess it's just a me that can't imagine being liked by anyone. It just doesn't make sense, you know? Why would somebody like me? Not even my parents like me!" Hoseok stepped into the tram and pulled the boy after him. "Nobody likes Hoseok, but you are so nice to me. Thank you so much. But I won't be delusional, I know that there's no way, no worry." Before Hyungwon had the chance to reply, the tram got going and he inhaled once and said 'Rathausplatz', the name of the next station, really loudly.

The black-haired boy froze in place, eyes widening and glanced around at all the people around them that turned to stare at them. It didn't even take a second for Hyungwon to reach out for a pole and hold on so tightly that his fingers turned white.

"What- what are you doing?" the low voice asked, much breathier than it had been before as Hoseok could see the boy's chest rise and fall quickly.

"Ah, that's the game. You say the next stop really loudly and count the stations until people stop giving a shit. Now they're staring, usually because they're annoyed, but it doesn't matter. They'll stop eventually. If you're weirded out you can sit over there and watch, or you can hug me." Hoseok brushed back his hair and reached out to stroke over the boy's wrist and fingers. Instead of sitting as far away as possible, Hyungwon stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him from behind, hiding his face while leaning down.

"Fuck my life," the black-haired boy whispered and squeezed him so tightly at first, that Hoseok worried whether he had enough air for the next station. Hyungwon kept his face hidden and pressed to his back as the tram moved and arrived at the first stop he announced, letting people out and new people in. "How are the new people supposed to stop caring? They don't even know yet!"

"And that's the thing, Hyungwon. There is something that I know very well from experience but that you don't know. Namely, that people only care about themselves. You'll see." Smiling a little, he curled his fingers around the warm arm and squeezed it in reassurance before saying the name of the next station with a grin. He felt Hyungwon jerk at the words as if they physically hurt him, but the other man didn't say anything and also didn't look up from Hoseok's shoulders. Hoseok only heard him breathe quickly, but not gasping for air yet.

"They are still looking, aren't they?" the low voice whispered, sounding so scared even though it was just random people that didn't even know them.

"Yes, sir. The current status is, one person, glancing at my dick, a girl who smiles nicely and a grandma who shakes her head. Mostly at my hair color though. How many stations do you think we have to go?" Hoseok felt so good with the boy's arms around him that he giggled and almost missed the next station, exclaiming the name cheerfully. 

"All of them," Hyungwon whispered and rubbed his forehead over his shoulder blades. It felt kind of nice because the boy preferred to be with him instead of pretending that he didn't know him. "They'll never stop looking, I just know it."

"I am very sorry to disappoint you but the only person who is still looking appears as if they are interested in me for other reasons than my game. Otherwise, people stopped giving a shit, sir." Hoseok shook the boy's hand to make him look at the other passengers who were absolutely uninterested in him and his game, apart from the blonde boy who winked at him. 

It took a few moments until Hyungwon dared to lift his head, glancing around quickly before hiding his face again. It took about two more attempts until the handsome face remained turned towards the people. Luckily, nobody got intrigued by his friend finally lifting his head either.

"Why- why aren't they looking?" Hyungwon asked quietly and swallowed. "Isn't it weird?" 

"Why would somebody look at me? Seriously though. Besides the blonde guy, he's cute." Hoseok giggled and winked back. "It's another stop until we're there." 

His black-haired friend didn't say anything at first, merely breathing heavily and tightening his hold. Hoseok thought it was because of fear, but the frequency with which Hyungwon clenched and unclenched his grip resembled anger. 

"I'm envious." Hyungwon's warm breath tickled his neck and Hoseok could feel how the boy rested his head on his shoulder. "I- I also want to look at you without freaking out. God, everybody is… so relaxed about this, but I feel like I'm about to empty my stomach which is even more embarrassing."

"On my shoulder? Oh." He thought about the possibility of getting covered in vomit, but he had experienced worse, so he shrugged. "If you can handle it until we get home and I can wash my clothes, feel free." Waving at the blonde boy who showed him a thumbs up, Hoseok left the tram, dragging Hyungwon along.

"God, I won't vomit on top of you. That'd be- even worse than everything else I imagined," Hyungwon groaned and massaged his temples. He seemed distracted because he didn't look around and only talked, holding on to Hoseok's wrist in return. "I just keep thinking- do you never think 'oh that blonde boy is cute and isn't afraid of people, so maybe I should be friends with him instead'? This sounds very reasonable to me, everybody should do that. That's why I didn't have friends before you. Why- why do you stay, Hoseok? I want you to stay, but I don't understand why you are the only one who does."

"He thinks that I'm funny. There's nothing apart from that. That's why I thought you wanted me to be next to you because I'm fucked in the head and it's fun." Hoseok walked along the street, sight causing a familiar burn in his chest. It felt unusual to have warm fingers around his wrist and to be reminded that he wasn't alone here. Not like before. 

Hyungwon shook his head but didn't say anything else this time. Instead, Hoseok felt a warm thumb draw careful circles over his skin. It wasn't far from the words that the boy had written on his forearm back then.

He didn't say anything either and continued walking, gaze focused on the park in the distance. Recognizing the fucked-up building across from it, Hoseok inhaled sharply, feeling close to tears and walked the remaining few meters quickly.

"Look. Do you see that single swing? Sit down and I'll show you how you can feel weightless."

Hyungwon glanced from his face over to the swing, face unreadable. The black-haired boy stroked over his wrist one more time before nodding and making his way towards the single swing. It looked completely fucked up and Hoseok felt a little sorry for making his friend sit on it with his fancy clothes. Thankfully the police didn't visit this quarter often, so he didn't have to be afraid that someone would think he had kidnapped the boy. Long fingers wrapped around the rusty chains, holding on tightly as Hyungwon observed him intently.

"Is it safe?" the boy asked, but there was no trace of doubt in his gaze.

"The swing? I don't think so. But I'm safe. I'll catch you if you fall." Smiling brightly, he stepped behind the tall man and placed both hands on his shoulders, gaze focusing on the run-down building across the street. It hurt.

Hyungwon only nodded again, hands testing their grip one more time and chest releasing a long exhale of air.

"I trust you," the black-haired boy whispered and Hoseok could feel his shoulders relax under his fingertips. He knew that it was only an old swing in an abandoned playground. He knew that it didn't mean anything for the black-haired boy who was probably only scared for his safety, which was understandable. But for him, for him it was everything.

Pushing the swing carefully, he listened to the stuttering noise of the metal and made sure to not push too hard. When Hyungwon was swinging high, he stepped back a little bit.

"How does it feel?"

The black-haired boy threw his head back and he could see that he had his eyes closed, long black hair ruffled up by the wind.

"Freeing," Hyungwon replied quietly and repeated it a little louder when it got lost in the wind. "Like there is only me and you. I'm not even afraid of the darkness because it feels like I'm flying. Who the hell can get to you when you're flying, right?" A hint of a smile played around the boy's lips as he let himself lean further back, eyes opening and meeting his before swinging past him.

"Mhm," he hummed in agreement, smiling back because of how good it felt to see Hyungwon smile. "That's exactly what I thought every time I sat on it and looked up."

"Will you let me make you fly too?" Hyungwon asked and suddenly let go of the chains, easily landing on his feet in the sand before turning to him with a wide smile. "I always thought you must be hiding wings."

"When I was younger I thought if I swing high enough I could jump into that window on the fourth floor. You see, the one with the dark yellow curtains? That was my room before." Hoseok smiled and pointed at the building, wondering if someone was home.

_ It's not your home anymore, so why would you care? _

"You had dark yellow curtains? I somehow expected them to be neon green or something." Hyungwon chuckled and stepped closer before wrapping an arm around his shoulders and ruffling up his pink hair. The other boy looked up to the window with him, sunshine reflecting off his pitch-black strands. "Do you… miss it?" 

"What exactly? Sitting around and waiting until they had mercy and would let me back in to scream at me? Nah, not really. I just wish I had a base like everybody else because this way I'm just… nothing?" Hoseok smiled brightly and sat on the swing, holding onto the chains tightly. "You showed me your home and the place you grew up in, so I wanted to show you mine. Voila."

Hyungwon nodded again and made his way over to him, big hands resting on his shoulders and squeezing once.

"But… are you happier now? After all, it's not only my home, it's also yours. There are quite a few things that belong to you and to be honest we just share everything else. I don't think of it as only mine anymore, so you shouldn't either." Placing a kiss to the top of his head, the black-haired boy carefully pushed the swing. "You're not nothing because even if you rip a plant out of the ground, it's not nothing. You put it somewhere else, maybe an even nicer place, where it grows better. I know you're not a plant and all, but… I guess my brain only comes up with such comparisons."

Hoseok felt emotions clog up his throat as he tried to breathe. "I love your brain," he pressed out before the first tear ran down his cheek.

"And I love you," the low voice replied quietly.

Wind rushed past his ears as Hyungwon pushed the bottom of the swing to get him moving, buildings slowly moving downwards until there was only the blue sky before all of it returned and the other boy pushed him again, making him fly even higher.

The clouds rushed past him, just like the old building that suddenly seemed meaningless. He thought that he misinterpreted, misunderstood, misheard, but the words were so clear, spoken in the familiar voice that he couldn't have made up. It was impossible. 

His heartbeat sped up just like the swing went faster. Knowing that there was just this one moment that he had to catch, aware that he couldn't wait or think about the right thing to do, whether he deserved something or he was the right person. Hoseok used the push forward and jumped from the swing, turning around and hurrying towards Hyungwon before grabbing the boy's face with both palms.

"We belong together, Hyungwon. We are one, do you understand?" he whispered. "There is no way that I will let you go anymore. You're mine." He inhaled once and clashed their lips together, feeling how his exhale disappeared between them, just like his worries, his past and his thoughts dissipated as soon as they kissed.


	12. Chapter 12

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The words slipped past his lips as if they were meant to be spoken, conjured to join the breeze and the wind that was rushing past the boy's ears.

Hyungwon didn't know what gave him the courage to speak them, to finally say it back even though he had been so convinced that he shouldn't, not if he didn't want to ruin whatever it was that was happening between them.

Maybe it was the feeling of accomplishment that filled him out when the two of them left the half-empty tram and nothing had happened. Nobody asked Hoseok to stop, screamed at them to leave, or laughed loudly at the ridiculousness of the situation. There was just nothing, as if the two of them didn't matter and people continued on with their lives.

It was like the monkey experiment his mother had once told him about. Her argument for the necessity to question rules, no matter how long they had been in place. In the experiment several monkeys lived together and a banana was placed at the top of a ladder. Whenever a monkey attempted to climb up the ladder, all the other monkeys ended up getting drenched in water. It didn't take long for the other monkeys to stop any monkey that dared to climb up the ladder. Then the researchers kept replacing the monkeys, one by one. Of course the other monkeys always beat up the new monkey when he attempted to climb up the ladder. In the end they had replaced all the monkeys, but none of them actually knew why they were beating up whoever attempted to climb up the ladder in the end.

_ Maybe it's similar with them. Nobody cares about what's going on, so the new person coming into the tram wonders why they should. _

But having the warm fingers around his wrist and Hoseok's smile to accompany him wasn't everything. The boy took him to the place he grew up, an area Hyungwon remembered his mother purposefully avoiding when she drove him to piano lessons. It felt like a different world, buildings covered in graffiti and partially fallen apart, old houses that nobody bothered to paint in years. It looked different and he couldn't believe that this was where Hoseok had spent most of his childhood, a sunshine that seemed so unusual in the brokenness around him.

Hyungwon didn't know what he had expected when he decided to follow Hoseok, to trust him and to enter the tram, to enter the area and to sit on the old swing that screeched every time it moved. He hadn't expected to feel so much, to close his eyes and let the wind rush past his ears. He imagined the way Hoseok must have come here as a child, acting as if there was nobody who could touch him or hurt him. That it was just him and the blue sky and nothing else mattered.

_ If only you were there back then to spare him. _

It was a childish thought because Hyungwon knew that he couldn't have done anything, but still he imagined it, pictured a sketch in which Hoseok was flying high up on the swing and he caught him with his arms wide open.

_ But it's not over, there is so much you can do. _

When his fingers settled on the boy's warm shoulders and he stared ahead at the building Hoseok grew up in, the situation didn't seem lost to him. There was still room for change, wasn't there? Even if Hoseok didn't like him anymore and didn't want to be next to him, Hyungwon would never ask him to leave. It was not only his home, but a home that they shared.

He tried to express himself, thinking of a small flower that Martha had saved with him back in the days. The two of them had removed it from the garden where his mother considered it to be disturbing her tulips, but Hyungwon had liked the little flower so much that Martha helped him put it into a new pot and set it on his window sill. Even now Hyungwon had it in his bedroom, about three times its previous size. He didn't care that it was considered a pest plant, he liked it.

_ You don't care if they consider him rotten, you love him. _

The words left his lips naturally, like it was the most truthful answer to Hoseok commenting that he loved his brain. It seemed like there was no heaviness behind it, no burden that Hyungwon feared to inflict on the pink-haired boy. Even if the feeling wasn't mutual in the end.

His heartbeat hammered in his ears in excitement, in anticipation of what was to come. Was Hoseok going to tell him that he was wrong, that the feelings weren't the same because they couldn't compare? Hyungwon didn't know, he only knew that he meant every word, that he was in love with the pink-haired boy on the swing. 

Suddenly, Hoseok jumped down and turned around, grabbing the metal chain with his right hand to stop it as he hurried over to Hyungwon and cupped his face.

The air felt like it got stuck in his lungs, waiting as the seconds passed by and Hoseok told him that they belonged together and he would never let Hyungwon go. Because he was his.

_ Because you're his. _

Their lips clashed together and Hyungwon lost his balance from the force, falling on the partially wet sand as he wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist. It didn't matter somehow, neither the sand sticking to his clothes nor the dull pain at the back of his head.

_ Because he's happy, he's happy that you feel this way. _

"You are the only one," the low voice whispered repeatedly between their kisses as Hoseok turned and carried his weight, still licking into his mouth and muttering words that he struggled to understand.

Hyungwon's hair was in between them and kept attaching to their lips, but Hoseok didn't seem to care, placing kisses all over his face and letting his eyes flutter shut. The other boy was so beautiful that he didn't know what to say, how to express the explosion of feelings in his chest by putting it into words. He couldn't, so he merely kissed back and pressed their foreheads together. Hoseok smelled familiar, like coffee and chewing gum, strawberry just the way he liked it and Hyungwon couldn't imagine wanting to taste anything else.

"I'm yours," he gasped because he still couldn't believe it, fingers shaking as they reached for Hoseok's face and the pink hair that was covered in sand. "Please be mine, Hoseok."

"I didn't imagine it, right? You really said it, right?" The muscular body shifted under him, and Hoseok pulled him closer, stroking over his hair and gaze jumping from one eye to the other and looking so unsure and much younger suddenly.

_ You can't hurt him, Hyungwon. It doesn't matter that you are scared, hurting him will only make it worse. Can't you be strong for once? _

His hands were trembling as he swallowed, observing the beautiful face of the boy he was in love with, so much that he was afraid to speak it out loud. If nobody knew, then nobody could act on it. If there was no relationship, then it couldn't fall apart. If there was no friendship, there was no being left alone.

_ But you've been left alone because he got hurt and nothing was worse than that. _

Shaking uncontrollably, he nodded, forcing himself to admit to it, to stop pretending that there was nothing and friendship was everything that he deserved.

"I can't believe it, but it must be true. Oh my god, this is crazy," Hoseok muttered and got up. The only thing he knew was that the boy lifted him bridal style and twirled him around, until he was finally able to see the handsome face and didn't feel like vomiting. "I want to go home."

Hyungwon didn't know what to say, holding on tightly to the boy's neck and hoping that he wasn't dreaming this up, simply acting out a drawing he made during one of his lectures.

_ But you could never make him up, he's too special for that. _

"I'll-" he began, but struggled to get the words out, too overwhelmed by the thoughts in his head that attempted to paint worst-case scenarios. He didn't want to think about what could go wrong, he wanted to be happy, to keep seeing the beautiful face smiling as brightly as right at this instant. He didn't even mind being carried, merely holding on tightly and placing a kiss to Hoseok's pink cheeks. "I'll go wherever you want me to."

Hoseok carried him away from the playground and let his feet touch the ground, probably aware that he would've freaked out if people saw them. 

"You know, when I thought that you wanted to have sex in exchange for me living at your place it made sense to me, but as time passed and we are here now, you telling me that you… feel the same, I keep thinking that it can't be true. That I must have made this up. Made you up." Hoseok shook his head and ruffled his hair, making it stick out in different directions.

"I sometimes think the same," Hyungwon murmured, remembering that he had an imaginary friend as a child. "It wouldn't be the first time." 

Chewing on his cheek, he reached out and brushed through Hoseok's hair, attempting to remove the wet sand that stuck to the pink strands.

"We made each other up! But that's fine, right? As long as it's both of us?" A beautiful smile that made the boy's face shine appeared out of nowhere and stayed for a long time before their tram came and they had to go inside. "Would you like to play the station naming game too? Or would you rather sit in that far away corner and be quiet?" 

"You- you want me to play it?" Hyungwon stuttered and couldn't imagine himself making a sound that was any louder than a whisper with all these people around. "But they will stare at me, even if they stop later. I'll faint and then everybody will laugh."

_ Or even worse, you have a panic attack and roll around on the ground, forcing the driver to stop and call an ambulance. _

"Hmm, that sounds very dramatic. I think it usually seems more dramatic the way you explain it than it actually is. To be honest… I'm kind of thankful for your panic attack in front of the cafe, because there is no way I would have approached you apart from being weird and trying to stalk you, silently hoping that you would come." They sat in the farthest corner while Hoseok was speaking, as the boy probably took his explanation as a clear no.

"I stood there everyday," Hyungwon admitted and couldn't believe that something good happened for once because of a panic attack. It sounded ridiculous in his head, but it was kind of true. "I came in the evening when it's dark because I hoped you wouldn't see me. I watched you through the window. You didn't look happy, so I hated myself for making you feel that way. I- I drew your face everyday and threw away the page because it wasn't like before, not like… now. You're so beautiful when you smile."

"It was so hard to bear. You know, before, I didn't really like having sex, but it was kinda bearable, but after I stayed with you and went back to him it… Lord, it was terrible. You were so nice to me that I got spoiled." Hoseok giggled shyly and took his hand, fingers playing with his ring.

Hyungwon instantly felt his blood boil at the mention of that guy who dared to hurt Hoseok so much that the other boy winced when he sat down on the bed. Hyungwon had never said anything, but the mere thought made him want to choke that asshole.

"God, I fucking hate that guy," he exclaimed and only when he saw people turn out of the corner of his eye, he realised that he had just yelled that through a fucking tram.

_ Holy shit, what's wrong with you? _

His breaths sped up and he panicked, but the woman in the red coat and the guy turned towards the front again and Hyungwon didn't dare inhale, too scared of what was going to happen now.

_ They'll look again and wait for you to fuck up. _

"I think it's weird that he enjoyed something his partner didn't, but oh well. Maybe he didn't consider me his partner. Or human. Or whatever. I just wanted to say that that time was hard to bear and I realised how fucked I am without you. Literally. But I told you, right? If you want to do it with me, I'll do it. You said that you don't feel manly and that it drives you crazy. You can try and feel manly, if that's what you need." Hoseok shrugged and continued playing with his ring.

_ What? Why would he-? _

Hyungwon turned to look at the pink-haired boy, at the way he played with his piercing and how nonchalant he was about offering something that he had described as unbearable only seconds ago.

"Why- why would you offer me to hurt you?" he asked and swallowed, feeling nausea hit him out of nowhere even though he never got sick when traveling. "It's something you hate, how- how can you just tell me to do it?" 

Hoseok didn't look at him and turned the metal ring on his finger, observing the reflections intently. "Because I think that you wouldn't be rough with me. I can take it for you and if that's something that you need for yourself to feel better, of course I want to help you. I- I liked the way we were close, but I'm not the only one who should be able to do the things I like, right? You said that you wanted to be someone who enjoys being the active partner. Well, then just- just do it then, if that's what you want."

The nausea only got worse as he stared at his own knees and tried to understand what was so terribly wrong about this.

_ You are terribly wrong about this because he does it for you _.

Hyungwon hated the fact that he enjoyed something he wasn't supposed to, something his father wouldn't have wanted him to enjoy. But that was his own predicament, a personal judgement that he made and that shouldn't have involved Hoseok, not like this.

_ But of course he applies it to himself. He's in love with you and you want to be active, so he's being sacrificial for you. _

"Shit," he cursed and covered his face with his palm, barely keeping his tears in because he felt like a fucking asshole. A selfish asshole that enjoyed something, but preferred to cause the boy he loved pain to feel better about himself. "I'm so fucking sorry, shit."

_ What the hell is wrong with you? You think you should be manly, but everybody else has to go ahead and adjust? Who the fuck are you to think that way? _

Hyungwon wished Hoseok would have hit him, told him he was a fucking asshole for treating him that way. But of course the pink-haired boy would have never done that. He preferred to go along and offer him something that caused him pain while smiling and saying that he wanted it.

_ You're no fucking different than that guy. Maybe you love him, but you still expect him to do something you're too fucking afraid to do yourself. _

"What? No! Why would you be sorry? You're the nicest person I've ever met, I told you. You trust me so much, so I will trust you too!" He felt Hoseok lift his palm and the warm sensation of lips kissing it carefully. 

Hyungwon shook his head, tears making their way past his shut eyes and running down his cheeks. He was making it worse with each second, first, he screamed in the tram, now he was crying. Hoseok should have just ditched him at that swing when he understood it was serious.

_ You're making yourself the victim again. He should be the one crying for falling in love with somebody like you. _

"I'm a fucking asshole," he whispered and shook his head again. "I'd never sleep with you only because you want to make me feel better, Hoseok. That's my problem, a fucking selfish problem that you don't have to solve for me. I don't know why I feel this way and I'm sorry for saying all these things. Who the hell am I to feel manly while expecting everybody to fulfil my wishes? I- I don't want to be a person like that. I don't want to be somebody who hurts you, fuck."

The warm lips kissed the hand that he was hiding behind before Hoseok pulled him into a tight embrace, low voice vibrating against his ear. "The question is, what is it that you want to achieve by being, appearing, or feeling manly? Is it dominating others? Showing them that you're better, stronger, superior? I can only tell you about Jay. He thought he was the better, the superior one because he was the one to fuck, so he used that role to make others feel like shit. What's the point in manliness if you make everyone who is not 'manly' feel as if they're invalid with toxicity and aggression? That's why I don't understand it. I can't… I can't believe that you're a person who thinks like that. You said you don't want to hurt me, so… there is no way that you think that, right? You don't think that the only way for a human of the male sex to exist is to step on others and be aggressive."

Hyungwon shook his head furiously, attempting to stop new tears from slipping past his eyelids. He didn't want to be a person like that, he didn't want to hurt anybody, especially not Hoseok.

"I just thought- I thought that if I'm not only incapable of talking to other people, but also the type of person my father dislikes, that I'll be a failure on every level. I'm just so fucking scared that he'll hate me. I'm also not sure if I can become a doctor, I can't even talk to my professor, how the hell am I supposed to talk to patients?" Hyungwon buried his face in the boy's shoulder even though he should have been the one to embrace Hoseok, to apologise for being a fucking asshole to him. "I love what you're doing to me, I've never felt that way before, but I'm just so fucking scared. I- I don't want to be."

"You'll be an amazing doctor, because you are already talking about intimate stuff in the tram. Look how much you have improved in just a few hours. Before you were scared to look up and now you're yelling, crying and talking about sex! I'm so proud of you!" Hoseok lifted his face and covered it in kisses before saying the name of their station loudly and getting up.

Hyungwon didn't dare look up. He didn't know if he had improved or if he even did a single thing to be proud of. His eyes remained on his feet and his fingers wrapped tightly around Hoseok's wrist, following the pink-haired boy as he tried to stop detesting himself for his own thoughts. Why was it always his fear that caused him to make mistakes? What devilish cycle was it to be afraid of making mistakes and make them because one is afraid?

"I'm sorry," he whispered again and shut his eyes for a few seconds to fight the burning. "I'd never want for you to do something you dislike. I promise. Please don't do it just for me."

"I promise it too. I'm fine if I can kiss you, because that's when I feel like I have wings. Everything else is optional. I want to make a list of the things you don't do because you're afraid of them and I want to do them all with you. Like a bucket list." Hoseok smiled as he took out his keys and made the noise while holding them next to his protruding ear.

_ It's because he doesn't know that you want it too, because you don't dare to admit it. _

Fear was an irrational thing, because even though Hyungwon knew that he could say it, that the pink-haired boy wouldn't judge him for it, he still didn't dare too.

"I'd really like that," he whispered instead and smiled, hoping that Hoseok wouldn't find out too early that his fear was an enemy that nobody could defeat, not forever.

_

Hyungwon's head was throbbing and he barely managed to keep his eyes open as he stared at his biochemistry book and twirled his pencil in his right hand. He would have preferred to sketch something, be it Hoseok's thighs and the way the bones were arranged on the inside or the other boy's cute ears that stuck out between his pink strands. There were so many lovely things he could sketch, maybe even Hoseok on that swing, holding onto the chains and flying up in the air while Hyungwon remained stuck to the ground. He was too much of a realist to fly.

_ But Hoseok looked so beautiful while he flew, just like a bird. _

Hyungwon sighed and stared at the various terms and chemical configurations again. He had attempted to learn another chapter by heart, but he couldn't tell how much of it stuck and would still be present when he had to write the exam at the end of the semester.

He should have been worried about his university grades, but instead he kept thinking about Hoseok and the fact that he finally told the other boy that he was in love. Somehow Hyungwon had expected more things to change, even though he wasn't sure which things exactly.

_ You had all those terrible scenarios, but right now it's just you and him, still constantly busy and mostly hugging at night. _

Hyungwon had been convinced that Hoseok would be dissatisfied with him and his inability to go on dates, to do things that couples do. The only thing that he was capable of was hating on the neighbour for constantly asking about Hoseok and freaking him out and standing in front of Starbucks and hating everybody who Hoseok smiled at because it wasn't him.

_ God, you're terrible. Why don't you lock him up in your bedroom already? _

The worst bit was that Hyungwon wanted to. He wanted to wrap himself around Hoseok and keep him close, making sure that the pink-haired boy didn't get hurt and stayed with him.

_ But you could also hurt him. You already did countless times. _

Hyungwon knew that, but still he wanted Hoseok for himself. Before he was scared because he was only a friend, but now he was scared because there was so much more involved and all of it could break so easily. Relationships were fucking fragile and he’d never even had one.

_ Because you would have ruined it in a matter of seconds by saying the wrong thing or trying to be manly like a fucking asshole. _

His eyes moved to the clock on his wall, showing 8 o'clock in the evening. It was still too early for Hoseok to come back from his shift, but Hyungwon already felt alone in the spacious apartment. He should have thought about uni, but instead he remembered that Hoseok was still only wearing a leather jacket even though it was freezing outside. The pink-haired boy was going to die like this, but Hyungwon had to be smart about giving him things.

_ Because he doesn't want to seem like he's begging you for it by complaining _.

But Hoseok hadn't said anything about being cold, so it was okay, wasn't it?

Texting was easier, so Hyungwon pulled out his phone and found Hoseok among his contacts, carefully typing out a message. It was amazing when it was written because he had the ability to rewrite everything hundreds of times until he was satisfied.

'When are you coming home from work?' he wrote, but already regretted not adding anything else to the message. It sounded needy somehow, like a housewife sitting at home and wanting her husband to come back.

_ Hoseok would probably scold you for thinking that. _

Hyungwon didn't know how often Hoseok was able to look at his phone, but the more time passed the more stupid he felt about staring at the screen and expecting the pink-haired boy to be available at all times. He had a job to do and money to earn and probably couldn't even imagine studying without having to worry about his finances.

_ Maybe that's why you seem like a prince to him, because you don't have to do anything. _

Hyungwon wondered if that was why Hoseok had fallen in love with him. Did it have something to do with being the only one who took the other boy in and wanted to be his friend? What if another person did the same thing? What the hell would make him different from others then?

_ Maybe that's why you are so fucking terrified, because you know that actually, you're not special, he just doesn't know it yet. _

Hyungwon's eyes passed over the furniture in their bedroom, over the side where Hoseok slept and the side where he slept. At this point he couldn't really tell which one was which because they simply embraced at all times and ended up somewhere in the middle. It was nice and he loved the fact that they could be so close, that he had the other boy's breaths in his neck while he slept.

_ But you are also still afraid. The way he presses against you is arousing, but you never do anything because you're embarrassed, even though you know that he likes it. _

Hyungwon couldn't explain it, not really. Wanting to have Hoseok stimulate him like that, with his fingers or a toy still felt wrong somehow, like there was something broken in his functioning and he had to fix it. The problem was that he didn't want to fix it, he wanted to act on it.

_ Maybe you need to understand it yourself before you confront him with it? _

The thought made sense, like figuring out what kinds of blowjobs felt nice before learning what to do himself.

Hyungwon thought about it, he really did, going to the shower, cleaning up, trying out what it would feel like to do it all by himself. He thought about it, but instead of undressing and stepping into the shower, he made his way towards the hallway and slipped into his shoes. He was nervous because going out always made him nervous, but he wouldn't be standing in the hallway in shoes and a coat if it was that bad.

Glancing outside to make sure there was nobody, he went out and hurried down the stairs, quick to make sure he didn't meet anybody. Especially not that neighbour. Last time he asked Hyungwon for Hoseok's number, but he just pretended that he couldn't hear anything and ran out of the building.

_ He'll think you are a freak and just talk to Hoseok directly. _

That thought got his feet to move even faster, all the way past the university buildings and the little park he preferred to walk through until he arrived at the familiar Starbucks. He was really a lost case.

Leaning against his favourite tree, he hoped that he wouldn't meet anybody that knew him or thought he wanted to talk and glanced through the huge windows at Hoseok's pink hair that was so easy to recognise. The gorgeous boy was taking somebody's order with a smile and talking enthusiastically. Hyungwon couldn't help but feel jealous of whoever was blessed by the boy's presence.

_ If you didn't have issues you'd just go inside and talk to him, but of course you stand here like a creep and consider drawing instead. _

He observed the tall man that was standing at the counter, unwilling to move and talking to Hoseok, pulling a laugh from his lips that he could hear in his mind even though he was too far away to know how loud it was. A few moments passed and the dark-haired customer pulled out his phone, handing it to Hoseok who typed something inside with a bright smile.

_ Did the guy just ask for his number? _

Hyungwon felt something ice cold run down his back even though he was dressed in a warm coat and leaning against a tree, far from any kind of cold breeze that could have made him feel that way. Why the hell would Hoseok just give his phone number to a random guy at a Starbucks? Did he have no idea about people's intentions?

_ Did you misunderstand? Maybe your confession didn't change anything and you only thought that he can be yours now. _

His breath hitched, but it wasn't the familiar signs of panic. Rather it resembled anger as Hyungwon felt a sudden desire to go into that Starbucks and break the guy's neck. It was a stupid thought, because he would have never been able to say a single word as soon as he stood in front of the unfamiliar man, but the anger remained.

_ You can't just stand here. You have to go. _

Curling his hands into fists, Hyungwon stared at his black shoes and counted the steps until he was finally in front of the door. This shouldn't be difficult, he had done it before. Not only once, but several times. Hoseok had even given him a way to act the first time he suggested coming to his workplace.

_ Can't you just follow the instructions? _

Taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open and looked up, right past the detestable guy at Hoseok's beautiful face.

_ Just do what he told you to. _

"Hi bunny," he murmured, "the usual."

Hoseok stared at him in disbelief before his expression transformed into something else. The kind that he could see when he had gotten him the buttplug with the bunny tail.

"Oh my god. It's you. It's really you," the boy murmured before turning to his customer, mouthing 'here you go' and handing him the phone that he was holding. "You'll get your drink on the right."

The tall man kept looking at Hoseok, but moved a bit, seeing that he was standing in the way.

"Oh god, this is so amazing, I'm excited. So, I'll make you an Americano and it's only twenty minutes until my shift ends, we could go home together, if you'd like to wait for me. Would you wait for me?" Hoseok leaned over the counter and grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly. 

Hyungwon didn't know what he had expected, probably something ridiculous like Hoseok simply throwing the phone at the annoying guy's face and running into his arms. Maybe he was also a little more realistic and just expected to get a coffee while interrupting whatever had been going on, but he definitely hadn't been prepared for an onslaught of words and having warm fingers wrap around his own.

His heartbeat was hammering in his ears, but mostly because he felt strangely happy. Like he had achieved something, namely putting a smile on Hoseok's face and entering the Starbucks while ordering something.

Hyungwon decided not to push his luck and nodded instead of talking, intertwining their fingers and hoping that nobody could see. Hoseok had given his phone number without a single thought, but the pink-haired boy seemed so elated to see him. He must have been oblivious to people's bad intentions.

_ You'll be able to go home with him. You only need to wait for a little. _

"Best day ever!" the low voice whispered and the handsome man in front of him looked around, scanning the room and pointing at the familiar corner with two chairs and a small table. "Would you like to sit there? I will bring you your drink. It's on me because you made me happy."

Hyungwon nodded again, but felt reluctant to let go of Hoseok's warm hand. It felt so delicate and rather small in his own, like he had to cherish it. The boy's words made him think of his plan to buy him a jacket. If Hoseok was able to justify buying things with his own happiness, then maybe Hyungwon could do the same?

_ He must think you are so creepy, standing here and holding onto his hand. _

Maybe Hyungwon also wanted to send a message to everyone else, show that Hoseok wasn't ready to mingle.

_ At least that's what you think. You never asked him. _

The dark eyes stayed on his face for a few more seconds before he moved. Smiling brightly, Hoseok nodded and turned around, asking his colleague to prepare an Americano. Despite the favor, Hoseok's fingers left his skin and the boy disappeared from his sight, only to appear again, taking his hand and tugging him along to the spot he had previously shown.

"You must be a little nervous, but so am I. I'm always nervous when you visit me because I'm scared to scream out how much I like you and to accidentally freak you out," Hoseok leaned in and whispered into his ear, shortly before pushing him into the comfortable seat. "It's so cool that you came in."

Hyungwon nodded again while brooding about being nervous because he sucked at communicating while other guys easily walked up to the counter and asked Hoseok for his phone number. They probably also asked for dates like the neighbour did and Hyungwon had no fucking clue.

_ But he seems to like you so much. Is he really that naive? _

"I like it when you scream how much you like me," Hyungwon mumbled eventually and couldn't believe that he really said it. It must have been the situation, the fact that if Hoseok kept showing it, then others knew that he wasn't theirs to have.

A surprised glance was the only reply as Hoseok turned away and walked up to the counter to get his Americano, easily being caught by the dude with bad intentions and talking to him for another minute that felt like ten fucking years. God, Hyungwon hated that guy. 

"Hoseok?" he called, but it wasn't loud enough and just drowned in the noises around him. His breaths sped up as he imagined everybody turning to look at him because he called somebody's name. The thought was so terrible that he didn't get to try again, closing his eyes for a few seconds instead. A noise of the cup that Hoseok slammed onto the table and the sound of the chair shifting made him open his eyes, seeing Hoseok's bright pink hair and a pretty smile. "Your drink is ready, Mr. Handsome."

Hyungwon smiled a little at that until he remembered the dude and glanced around to find him, but he was nowhere in sight.

_ Good riddance. _

"I hate that guy," he muttered and took a sip of his coffee, enjoying the warmth and the watery taste that Hoseok always complained about.

"Huh? What guy?" Hoseok asked. He looked confused but placed his hand on the table, right next to his, trying to reach him with his index finger. It looked super cute. 

"The one you gave your phone number to," Hyungwon replied and couldn't help the way his lips immediately pulled into a thin line in dissatisfaction. He was obvious when he hated something. That's what his grandma always said. He tried to distract by helping Hoseok and placing his big palm on top of the boy's.

The response was not quite what he expected. Hoseok furrowed his eyebrows and looked in thought, before glancing up at him and shaking his head.

"But I haven't given my number to anybody," he murmured, intertwining their fingers right after. 

_ Huh? Did he already forget? _

"But the guy you talked to just now, the one who was right in front of me and didn't want to go away. He gave you his phone to get your number. I mean- you are never aware of it, but you are really beautiful and all those guys have terrible intentions and try to come on to you. It drives me mad." He groaned and placed his head on top of the table until he remembered he was in public and immediately lifted it again. He didn't dare to check if anybody realised, too busy staring at Hoseok's face. He was too beautiful for his own good.

"Hahaha, no way! The guy said that he had never seen such a beautiful hair color before, and I told him, no problem, you can buy the dye, the color is called 'bubblegum bitch' and he was like 'no way, you're lying,' and I told him that I can write it into his phone, and then I searched it on eBay and gave him his phone back. Afterwards he did say that I look awesome independent of my hair, but I guess he was bored standing there while I got your coffee." Smiling cheerfully, the boy leaned in and placed a kiss on the back of his hand.

Hyungwon stared, dumbfounded by two things. First of all how easily Hoseok talked to people and just gave them random info and secondly how naive he was about his own attractiveness.

"The guy was coming onto you," he muttered and brushed through his long hair, unsure how to explain it so Hoseok would understand. "He complimented your hair because he liked you. Getting info on the dye was just a way to keep talking. He probably thinks you're fucking hot because you are, just like that stupid neighbour. God, I just want to wrap around you and keep you away from everybody."

"Oh, you don't have to worry!" Hoseok explained, rubbing over his shoulder in reassurance. "There's nobody who wants me."

"Hoseok, I think…" Hyungwon swallowed because the belief was wrong and hurt to hear, but at the same time it was what made him special. Hoseok thought that he was the only one who wanted him, but that wasn't true. There were so many people and Hyungwon felt like a knight who had to fight them all off. "I think you're wrong there. You think that nobody wants you because that's what you are used to seeing from people, but you are a wonderful person and gorgeous, so everybody wants you and I'm jealous."

_ You're not only jealous, but you also can't compare. _

"I should tell you that you are right because then you might think that I'm more valuable, but unfortunately, I'm shit at lying, so I will tell you the way it is. I'm funny because I'm nuts, that's why people enjoy talking to me, but the complete absence of interest in my person over the years draws a very clear picture. If everybody was interested, there would be more people around me than Jooheon and… and you. I'm sorry, I'm not really popular and not wanted either. But that also means that you don't need to worry. There's only you." The boy nodded and smiled brightly as if he didn't just call himself worthless.

_ He's wrong, but he doesn't see it. _

"Let me use your argument," Hyungwon whispered and glanced at their intertwined hands before meeting those dark eyes again. "If interest means that there are people around you, then what am I supposed to say? I don't even have a Jooheon, there is only you. If you weren't next to me, I'd just be lonely. Maybe that's why I'm so scared that you'll find someone better, somebody who can talk to you."

The boy looked to the side and licked his lips. A few moments there was nothing, but then the round eyes found his and Hoseok replied. 

"I know that this might trigger more pity and I really didn't want to say it, but considering your argument… you stay inside, you know? There is no way people can easily get through to you if they can't see you, so if there was a way, you would have so many friends, Hyungwon. But in my case, I'm open-minded, I'm all over the place, you know? Still… Yeah. You get my point, right? But don't worry, I'm fine, really. I just wanted to tell you that you don't need to worry and be sad. There's no way anybody would want me apart from some random making out, maybe a blowjob, or sex. But I don't want that."

_ Your jealousy only made him miserable again. _

Hyungwon didn't know what to say because there simply wasn't anything he could have said to change Hoseok's mind. Even though he was sure that all the guys coming onto Hoseok had bad intentions because they just wanted to sleep with him. They were stupid for not seeing past the pink hair and gorgeous looks to the person that was beneath it all, fragile and so easily hurt that Hyungwon trembled just from the thought of making the other boy cry again.

"I don't need anybody else, only you," he whispered in reply and swallowed, not daring to say the three words that were so much more meaningful.

"I told you, please keep me," the boy answered, took his palms, turned them and leaned forward, laying his head into his hands. 

"I-" Hyungwon began, but it was so difficult. Not only because of the people around them, but also because it felt like if he said the words it would strengthen the truth behind them and bond between them which would increase the likelihood that it could fall apart.

_ But if you don't say it you hurt him. What if he thinks the same about you? That you are only interested in his body and maybe his friendship. _

"I- I love you," he gasped and squeezed his eyes shut, heart hammering so loudly that he wasn't able to hear anything else.

"I love you," he heard the boy's low voice that also vibrated against his hand, lips touching his palm briefly. "I want to go home and hug you as light as a cloud and as tight as possible at the same time. I don't make sense, right?" 

Hyungwon shook his head and used his other hand to stroke over Hoseok's hair briefly, yearning to be home and have the right words to make the other boy feel better.

"It sounds perfect," he whispered and hoped that he could keep it just like that, Hoseok fitting right into his hands and smile as bright as it was when he entered the cafe.

_ Maybe you can even prove to him how much he is worth. _

***

Why did it have to be so fucking cold in the evenings? It was fine as long as the sun was out, but as soon as it was evening he froze so much that the key shook in his hand as he opened the door to their apartment, smiling at the neighbour who waved at him from the door across. It was funny how they kept meeting in the hallway, even though they hadn't met that often before.

Hoseok entered the apartment, stepped out of his shoes and crouched down, hugging his own body to get a little warmer, before going to the bedroom to hug Hyungwon. He must feel like an ice pack.

He was excited to surprise the black-haired boy and came home earlier today because he wanted to take Hyungwon to a mid-semester party that Jooheon was invited to and got them another two invitations. It was inside a house, so Hoseok agreed.

_ And he can go out for a bit too. _

The prospect of going out together made him nervous, but he rubbed his arms and walked towards the bedroom, a little thrown off by the unusual sounds.

First it sounded like breathy gasps before Hoseok was able to make out words, fragments of his name followed by something that sounded like a request and was interrupted by a whimper. The closer he got to the slightly opened door, the louder it got, transforming into obvious moans of his name as the black-haired boy begged for something, muffling the sounds only to whimper again. The scent of his strawberry lube was in the air and Hoseok heard the rustling of sheets.

_ He's having fun by himself. That's so nice. _

Hoseok loved the sounds and his conscience even made him consider leaving Hyungwon alone, but he was too curious. Moving closer, he stopped in front of the door and glanced through the crack.

The black-haired boy was kneeling naked on the big bed, right in the middle of it with his gorgeous behind in the air and head resting on top of his left forearm while his other hand was busy in the back. Hoseok had the perfect angle to see Hyungwon from the side, the way his stomach flexed each time he moved his right hand, followed by a loud moan of his name and a failed attempt to muffle it. It must be feeling mesmerizingly good, enough to whimper repeatedly and make the boy's slim thighs contract.

At first, Hoseok thought Hyungwon was using his fingers, but when his gaze followed the boy's long legs to his behind, he recognized the black plug Hyungwon had given him as a present. The gorgeous boy was fucking himself with it and moaning his name, begging him for more even though he wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.

"Shit," Hyungwon cursed as he sped up and struggled to hold his breath, whimpers turning into loud gasps and finally Hoseok's name. The boy's erection twitched with every single motion. "Please, Hoseok, shit- fuck me."

_ Oh god. _

He reached for the frame and held onto it, suppressing the arousal that threatened to burn him down right that instant. There was no time to be surprised at the way he reacted as he couldn't take his eyes from the dazzling man. Black hair sprawled over the pillow and golden skin almost shining in contrast to the white sheets. 

_ You want to be that plug. You would give your right hand to be this fucking plug, Hoseok. _

Hyungwon spread his legs a little wider before simply giving up and letting himself fall to the right. Hoseok couldn't tell if that was a good or bad thing as he was given perfect sight of the boy's long back and the way the toy moved inside of him, never stopping as Hyungwon gasped and rubbed his hair over the sheets. The gorgeous boy seemed delirious as his words became more and more scrambled and he switched from quick motions to deep ones, causing his whole body to contract and almost scream-like moans to leave his lips. He must have liked it so much, enough to continuously beg Hoseok to do it instead.

_ But if he begs you… maybe you can participate. He does say your name. _

His mind was working furiously while his dick begged him to just walk over and touch, kiss, catch the moans and hear more. Taking off his pants was kind of suggestive after what he heard, but he took off his leather jacket and t-shirt, immediately feeling warm. Hot even.

_ He might throw you out. Prepare. _

Opening the door a little wider, he stepped into the room, purposefully trying to make more noise to not startle Hyungwon with his sudden presence. "I really… really want to play with you," he said, voice low and raspy from not talking for a bit.

Hyungwon's hand paused and the black-haired boy glanced over his shoulder, eyes pitch black and half-lidded even though he should have been shocked. Heavy breaths were leaving the plump lips as Hyungwon threw his head into the soft pillow and nodded while Hoseok tried really hard not to look at his behind that kept clenching around the toy. Long fingers let go of the plug and grabbed a fistful of the sheets instead, tugging incessantly.

"Please," the low voice muttered as the tall boy forced himself to get up on his hands and knees again, trembling with arousal. 

_ Fuck. You'll die. _

Hoseok was gone, so fucking gone. The tingling heat spread in his brain, leaving him unable to rethink and he undressed on the way as quick as he was able to. Only when he crawled onto the bed and his palm stroked over the curve of Hyungwon's back, did he realise what was happening. Unable to resist, Hoseok embraced the boy's elegant body from behind, twitching against his perky butt and remembering that Hyungwon wanted to be played with as the toy still remained inside. Reaching between their bodies, he started moving it, testing out how his roommate liked it.

"Fuck," Hyungwon cursed as his elbows almost gave out and he barely kept himself in place, whimpering and pushing back against him. "Please. Shit, Hoseok, I want you so much."

Holding himself up on one hand, the black-haired boy used the right one to reach behind himself and wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's painfully hard dick, carefully rubbing the tip over his behind.

"I want you so much. Shit, Hyungwon. Say it again, please, tell me what you want me to do, tell me I'm not insane," he moaned, moving his hand faster and burying his teeth in Hyungwon's smooth shoulder and rolling his hips because he lost his fucking mind.

At first there was nothing, only Hyungwon whimpering and chewing on his cheek as he tried to push back against the toy while still stimulating Hoseok's dick and rubbing it over his butt cheek. The gorgeous boy tried to talk, but he couldn't, moaning instead.

"Fuck me," Hyungwon gasped suddenly but buried his face in the crook of his elbow right after, breathing heavily as his body kept shaking. "Please."

_ Fuck. Fuck, but you can't. _

Hoseok wanted nothing more, he was dizzy, body trembling from the overwhelming arousal and thigh muscles flexing to move his hips forward automatically. Hyungwon looked gone, equally dizzy from arousal and he knew. Hoseok knew about the boy's difficulties, the continuous struggles with his self esteem and the view on himself and his sexual preferences. He couldn't just go ahead and have sex with him. He didn't even know how to do it properly. There was so much to think of and so many things could go wrong.

_ Don't. _

Hoseok groaned loudly, pushing the toy deeper and moving it faster to distract himself from his own mind that presented him very clear pictures of how it would look if it wasn't the toy, but him moving inside the boy's contracting body.

Hyungwon groaned and gave up on holding his head up, burying it in the pillow as he whimpered and kept begging him for more, hips pushing against him to go deeper. The black-haired boy was fisting the sheets as his body kept convulsing, telling Hoseok that he must be close.

"Hoseok, please," Hyungwon begged and let go of Hoseok's dick, fisting the sheets with both hands instead.

"I want you so much, I'm dying," he hissed before turning his wrist and improving the angle, fucking Hyungwon with the black plug until he convulsed and screamed his name, attempting to muffle it in the pillow. Hoseok could see the boy's behind contract around the toy in an attempt to feel more as Hyungwon released himself on the sheets without being touched and gave up on holding his body up, almost falling to the side had Hoseok not stabilised his hips.

"Fucking hell," the low voice cursed as Hyungwon tried to catch his breath and kept twitching.

"Shit, I want to be your personal slave and fuck you with this toy until the end of times," Hoseok managed to press out of his arousal fucked brain. "Fuck, I need to touch myself, or I'll touch you."

Instead of letting him take care of his business, Hyungwon turned around and pushed him into the mattress closer to the edge of the bed, easily climbing on top of him.

The black-haired boy remained on his knees with his palms pressed down on Hoseok's chest as he stared at him, chest still rising and falling quickly.

"Why didn't you do it?" he asked and bit down on his bottom lip, hips remaining in the air above Hoseok's dick. "Now I'll… never be able to tell you."

_ Oh god. He probably thinks that you don't want to. _

"Oh god, no, I want you, I want to have sex with you so badly, fuck, Hyungwon, I just didn't want to simply jump on it, only because you said it while being extremely horny. How can I just fuck you if I know that you're having a hard time with this? I'm not a person like that!" He grabbed the boy's small blush-covered face and sat up, kissing him deeply. "I told you to fuck me too, but you didn't do it either. Don't assume things."

"No, it's- it's different." Hyungwon licked into his mouth before leaning back and reaching behind himself, carefully pulling the plug out while moaning softly. Hoseok couldn't imagine being that sensitive. "I'm just- being a coward, because I want it. I can't say it when I'm sane."

Putting the toy aside, Hyungwon sat down on top of him, his dick fitting tightly between the boy's butt cheeks.

"But I've never had sex in that position before, what if you hate it and then hate me?" Hoseok squished his own cheeks before letting out a loud hiss at the way Hyungwon pushed down on him. "Oh god, I'm dying."

"I've never had sex in general, so how the fuck am I supposed to compare?" Hyungwon closed his eyes for a few seconds before leaning down and staring at him, eyes big. "Tell me, do you want it, Hoseok?" 

_ Yes. Fuck, yes. _

"Yes. I didn't want anything besides being that toy. I want you. I want to fuck you. You drive me crazy, Hyungwon, shit." Hoseok thrust up and moaned at the friction, head thrown back and rubbing his hair against the sheets.

Hyungwon observed him for a few seconds before nodding slowly and reaching for his pillow. The black-haired boy pulled out Hoseok's bottle with strawberry lube and poured some of it on top of his left palm, rubbing it between his fingers. Lifting his hips, Hyungwon reached for his painfully hard dick, covering it in the pink liquid while breathing heavily. Had he not seen how quickly the other boy's arousal returned, he might have thought Hyungwon didn't want any of it.

"W-what… what are you doing?" he whispered, unable to look away from the sight between his legs.

"I'm-" Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and lifted his hips a little higher, fingers trembling as he pressed against the base of Hoseok's dick to align it with his slim body. He looked fucking huge in comparison to the boy's small butt. "I'm sitting down on you." There were more words, but his brain already shut off at that point.

_ Oh god. _

"Oh my god," he whispered and reached for Hyungwon's waist, curling his fingers around it. "I look like a tree in comparison. And I might not be able to hold out. I already feel like I'm close."

_ Amazing. He wants to have sex and you are going to orgasm before you're inside him. Oh god, you're going to be inside him. _

Hoseok twitched at his thoughts and wanted to slap himself.

A smile danced around the corners of Hyungwon's lips even though he was obviously nervous, hands still trembling.

"I'm glad that… you like the idea that much," the handsome boy whispered before lowering his hips and rubbing Hoseok's tip over his crack, probably to spread the lube. "You're pretty… big, but it should be okay after the toy."

Once Hyungwon considered his efforts sufficient, he attempted to lower himself further and stabilised Hoseok's dick as he pushed it against his entrance. The black-haired boy chewed on his cheek as he kept applying more pressure until there was suddenly only burning heat and the feeling of being choked.

"Fuck," Hyungwon gasped and paused while moving a little up and back down again. "Holy shit."

"Shit, oh my fucking god," Hoseok moaned, twitching repeatedly because he wasn't fucking prepared. How could anybody be prepared for something like this? At this point, he was definitely not going to hold out. "Choke me, fuck."

Hyungwon paused in his attempts to slip down his length and took a few deep breaths, obviously confused by his outburst. Hoseok couldn't quite tell whether the other boy liked it or not because he mostly gasped and squeezed his eyes shut before attempting to slip lower.

"I'm sorry for- for being slow," the low voice whispered as Hyungwon moved up until the tip only to slide a little further and make Hoseok see stars with about half of his length buried inside the tight body.

"Don't- don't go fast, you have to take it slow, it'll hurt otherwise," he muttered, trying to prevent himself from coming with all his energy. "Fuck, I'm going to come."

"But I didn't even do anything," Hyungwon muttered and stroked over his chest with his big palms before moving his hips in a half-circle, probably to try it out and slipping a little lower. The sight was crazy and Hoseok wondered whether he should look away to hold out longer, but it was basically impossible. Hyungwon's lips were parted as he exhaled and let his eyes flutter shut, bridging the last bit and pressing his behind against Hoseok's groin. 

The loud moan didn't sound like him at all and his dick twitched a few times, warning him that there was no way he was going to last as soon as Hyungwon decided to do anything. It could've been anything at this point. There was squeezing at his base and tight heat around him and he begged for a few more seconds, but he was on the edge.

"Shit, Hyungwon, I'm sorry," he whispered and stroked over the boy's sides up to his nipples and thrust up, orgasming and twitching repeatedly inside the boy's body. 

He could feel how Hyungwon clenched around him in response and placed a palm on his lower body, eyes widening a little. He could probably feel it as he moaned softly when Hoseok twitched and sucked his full lips into his mouth.

"That…" the black-haired boy murmured and tried to shift his hips a little, gasping in response, "feels new."

_ Amazing. He'll hate you now. _

"Give me a few seconds please," Hoseok murmured and let his eyes flutter shut. "Watching and feeling you around me is as if someone comes and hits you with an orgasm bat, even though you thought you were okay and able to hold out. I don't need long, you can try moving already if you like." He saw the boy observing him when he opened his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just embarrassed because I'm happy that you like it so much." Hyungwon glanced to the side and clenched around him again, probably not on purpose. The long fingers that reached out and began to play with his nipples were definitely on purpose though. "Well- and because it's definitely more slippery now. You're really big, I can feel it all the way to here."

Moaning after a shift, Hyungwon pointed at his navel while still using his other hand to rub over Hoseok's nipple.

"I can't believe I fit in you, I was concerned." Licking his lips, Hoseok felt how he filled out again, way faster than previously assumed. "Now you know that you can do anything. It doesn't hurt?"

"You were concerned, but decided not to share that concern with me?" Hyungwon pursed his lips but was interrupted by the fact that Hoseok's hard dick must feel much better than it did flaccidly. "Fuck, no it doesn't hurt. It feels like a lot, but I'm not in pain."

"I said that I look like a tree. That's all my brain was capable of. I'm happy that it doesn't hurt. But it needs to be nice, so you can try moving. I hope I can compare to the toy. I'm not confident." Hoseok grinned and started playing with Hyungwon's hips, moaning at the sensation. It felt overwhelming.

"You're probably having the feeling evolution taught men to desire," Hyungwon whispered before placing his palms on Hoseok's chest and carefully lifting his hips, allowing about half of Hoseok's dick to slip out before moving back down, a little faster this time. "I'm- sorry about the cum. God, this is way more embarrassing than I imagined. Slap me if I start talking about penis anatomy because I get nervous."

"I'm pretty sure you're some kind of god that came down to bless me, so you're allowed to do anything you like." His monologue ended with a groan and his hips meeting Hyungwon's hip roll with a thrust.

"Shit," Hyungwon gasped instead of replying coherently. The gorgeous boy froze in place and let his eyes flutter shut. "Do that again."

_ Do that again, Hoseok. _

He curled his hands tighter around the boy's slim hips and pulled Hyungwon over himself while thrusting up, moaning loudly. He was gone again, even though he just orgasmed. The feeling was too much to stay calm.

Instead of holding onto his chest, Hyungwon leaned back and grabbed his thighs while throwing his head back and moaning. The way the boy's legs spread and his erection twitched were even more of a sign that he was enjoying it.

"Fucking hell," the low voice cursed as Hyungwon simply lifted his hips and slammed them back down, moaning from how good it felt. "Hoseok, I'm dying."

_ Dying, he is dying, Hoseok. _

“The good or the bad kind of dying? Because I’m dying too, but I want to die continuously if it feels like being inside you, shit.” Throwing his head back, he tried to thrust faster, but it was hard when he lay on his back. “Do you want to change positions? Lay on your stomach, like the one time… remember?”

Hyungwon nodded quickly while gasping at every single motion of Hoseok inside of him. The black-haired boy carefully lifted his hips until Hoseok slipped out of him and rolled over, expertly avoiding the mess from before. Suddenly Hoseok understood the benefits of a big bed.

"The good kind of dying," Hyungwon breathed out eventually and lay flat on his stomach. The sight of the boy's behind made him feel all kinds of ways because he could tell what effect he had on Hyungwon's slim body. Instead of moving immediately, he kept staring before the dark eyes that settled on him made him snap out of it and crawl on top of the stunning man.

“Sorry, I spaced out while watching you. Fuck, you are indeed the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen with the most dazzling body that I’ve ever seen,” he murmured and lined up, pushing himself inside the tight heat, knees placed on each side of the boy’s hips. 

Hyungwon gasped and grabbed the sheets, head turned to the side and lips parted in a soft moan.

"This feels deep," he mumbled and exhaled sharply.

“Is deep bad? Does it hurt? Should I pull out?” Hoseok leaned forward to see Hyungwon’s face better, thereby burying himself even deeper like an idiot.

The black-haired boy looked gorgeous, mouth open and eyes half-lidded. 

"Shit," Hyungwon cursed and reached behind himself to press down on Hoseok's ass, keeping him in place. "It's good, fucking good, so don't fucking stop."

He wasn’t very familiar with human anatomy, but he knew quite well where the prostate was. The only spot inside his ass he was particularly interested in. Leaning forward, Hoseok glanced at the boy’s position and adjusted his own, trying to hit downwards. As soon as he found the right angle, he rolled his hips, moaning like crazy because it felt too fucking good to describe it in words or to keep silent. Everybody should hear how fucking amazing it was to be inside the boy's dazzling body.

The way Hyungwon contracted around him and screamed into the pillows told him that he must have gotten an A+ for his anatomical knowledge. The slim body attempted to push up against him as the attractive low voice moaned his name and begged him for more, to go faster and to never stop. Hoseok never thought that he would find himself in such a situation, basking in pleasure while giving it to another person that lost themselves in something he was able to provide, in him.

_ This can't compare to what you know. Not at all. _

He was more than thankful for his previous orgasm because he could hold out and experiment with different pace and movements, observing Hyungwon's reaction intently. To be honest, the arousal spiked up when he did, but he still couldn't tear his eyes away from the gorgeous face.

"Do you like that?" he asked and rolled his hips faster before going slow again.

"Yes, fuck- I love it," Hyungwon moaned and nodded furiously. The black-haired boy attempted to spread his legs a little wider while pushing his behind up against him. Sweat drops were developing on the small forehead and making their way down. Hyungwon's whole body was glistening as if he was covered in little crystals. "Please don't stop, Hoseok. I'm yours."

_ You're dreaming, right? _

He must have been. He probably fell asleep in front of Jooheon's door and made up all of this.

_ You must've taken drugs. _

It was too much for a single dream and that fact added up on his awareness of their situation. They were in love and they were making love, feeling pleasure, being careful and taking care of each other's feelings. That's what made it feel unreal.

"I'm yours. I will do whatever you like, please," he moaned, moving faster along with the boy's pleas, wondering what it was that Hyungwon liked the most. 

"Go deep," Hyungwon forced out before whimpering and burying his face in the pillow. The handsome boy sounded delirious and like every breath cost him considerable effort, moaning without a break and from every single motion of Hoseok's hips. 

_ Forget holding out. _

Hoseok was concerned about orgasming for the second time, but Hyungwon wanted him to go deep, so he would go as deep as the black-haired boy wanted. Pulling the round, perky butt the air, Hoseok started moving, pulling Hyungwon against himself and groaning loudly from how intense it felt. 

The boy below him turned into a moaning mess, whimpering his name while begging him to fuck him. It felt like a lucid dream of his, one in which Hyungwon fulfilled his fantasies and liked every single thing Hoseok did to him. The contractions around his length kept increasing until he suddenly felt Hyungwon's whole body convulse and pull him in as the beautiful boy orgasmed before him, releasing himself on the sheets while trembling from the aftermath.

"Shit, holy fucking shit," Hyungwon mumbled repeatedly while trying to catch his breath, struggling with getting enough air. 

His release was so close that he continued moving, fucking Hyungwon through the aftermath and orgasming himself inside the boy's tight body before almost collapsing on top of him.

"Oh my god," he breathed out and hoped that Hyungwon didn't care about his sweaty skin and the drops that rolled down his nose and landed on the boy's golden skin. "I love you. I love you so fucking much, Hyungwon," he added.

The other boy didn't say anything and merely let himself be squished by his weight while breathing heavily. Only the rapid breaths that left Hyungwon's lips and nose told Hoseok that he was conscious and recovering.

_ He probably doesn't give a shit about your love when he has two loads of cum inside his butt. _

"Would you like to shower?" he asked, unable to move until Hyungwon would force him to. "I will carry you and be your personal slave."

"What- what does that even mean?" Hyungwon mumbled and buried his face in the pillow. Hoseok barely understood his next words because they were directed towards the pillow instead of him. "I feel like passing out."

"I was only wondering whether you feel comfortable with cum in your butt, or whether you would like to take a shower. I mean, I'm good, I can stay like this forever." Hoseok pulled out a little bit before pushing back. 

"Fuck," Hyungwon hissed and trembled under him, probably from over sensitivity. Hoseok couldn't really imagine what it must be like to enjoy the sensation as much as his roommate did. "Isn't it gonna- I don't know- run out and stuff? God, this is embarrassing and definitely not my expertise. I can only tell you that I came a lot because the prostate is in charge of some of the cum fluid. Stimulating it produces more."

Groaning, Hyungwon shifted and hid his moan in the soft pillow.

"Forget I said that."

"Thank you, Professor Cum. It might run out and it kinda should run out because it doesn't belong there. Just in case you're wondering whether you're going to die now, I had my medical checkup two weeks ago. Regarding expertise, I've only used condoms before, so I have no idea." Hoseok wondered who was worse with their random monologues. Probably Hoseok. It was always him.

"Fuck- condoms!" Hyungwon lifted his head from the pillow and stared at him as if he had just found out one of his friends died. "Shit, usually evolution gets rid of dumb people like me, but modern medicine is ahead of it. Fuck, I'm sorry, I should have asked you, but I just sat down on you while whispering 'now you're mine' like a creep. Which you probably didn't hear because you were gone, but- now know because I said it. Please shoot me."

The black-haired boy reached for Hoseok's hand and isolated the index finger, holding it above his pretty round ear like a gun.

"Well, a prince like you usually doesn't have an STD, so as I said, I'm clean, so you don't have to be scared that your dick will fall off or that you're going to die. Can you repeat the 'now you're mine' for me as I didn't hear it? I was indeed gone." Hoseok pulled the imaginary trigger and kissed the boy's ear. 

"Prince Albert died of syphilis, at least that's one of the speculations. He was also thought to be very gay, like me," Hyungwon mumbled as if it was in any way relevant before lifting his butt to meet Hoseok's groin and whispering, "Now you're mine."

"I have no idea who Prince Albert is, but your body, fuck," he moaned, attaching his lips to Hyungwon's shoulder and neck. "I'm definitely yours. I need a new hair dye, Hyungwon's bitch, instead of bubblegum bitch."

"But… considering our position, doesn't that make me the bitch?" Hyungwon asked and sighed, contracting around him and squeezing the life out of his flaccid dick. The other boy probably wasn't even aware of doing it.

"Yes, choke me, daddy," he whispered into the curled ear with a bright grin on his face. "That's misogynistic bullshit. How does your sex preference define whether you're a bitch or not? I'm your bitch, but it's nothing bad, you make it sound as if being a bitch is something negative. I like being your bitch," he elaborated further, deciding that they should definitely go and shower before he got hard again.

"Well, I don't think a bitch is anything bad! It's just that- even if I sit on top of you and want to make you lose your mind, in the end I'm the one screaming, am I not? I want to make you addicted to me, but in the end I'm the one imagining you fucking me while playing with a toy." Again Hyungwon sighed and chewed on his lips. "I thought if I sit on top of you I can make you lose it, but in the end I just wanted you to fuck me into the mattress. Sad story."

"I'm hard and you're an idiot. And I'm an idiot too, but that's independent of this discussion." Hoseok shook his head at the medieval views of relationships, sex, and social roles and rolled his hips, moaning right into Hyungwon's ear. "Does it sound like I'm sane? I came two times and now I want you again. You won't be able to walk if this continues, fuck my life."

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he gasped at the motion, but the sound was nowhere close to Hoseok's moan. Instead of answering him, the boy only shook his head in reply to his question and tightened his grip on the sheets.

"I want you to want nobody but me," the low voice whispered as the same tightness came right back, pulling a moan from his lips. This time it must have been on purpose.

"Fuck, you're milking me like a cow. I bet that's how a cow feels only in aroused." Hoseok moaned a few times in a row before he had enough of the boy squeezing him and rolled his hips again. It didn't help the moaning, but at least he wasn't the only one. "How can I even think about anyone but you?"

"Don't even try," Hyungwon muttered and used his strength to lift up and roll both of them to the side. Unfortunately Hyungwon must have forgotten that the bed was a mine field because there was definitely something sticky attached to Hoseok's back. He didn't have much time to think about it though as Hyungwon spread his legs and rolled his hips once, simply trying it out while lifting his arms above his head to tug at Hoseok's hair. "Could you-" the black-haired boy began, but didn't finish his request. 

At this point, Hoseok could do anything.

"Mhm? What do you want me to do, just tell me," he murmured into the small ear, enjoying the boy's weight on top of him.

"Could you…" Hyungwon swallowed and glanced to the side, obviously embarrassed even though he had been perfectly composed before. "Could you fuck me again?"

His breath hitched and he inhaled sharply, hands roaming over Hyungwon's body until they found the boy's firm thighs.

"Now you're mine," he whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

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_ Are you dreaming? _

Something in the course of events didn't make sense, it felt like he had fallen asleep in the middle and dreamt up an entirely different reality. Similar to Alice who had been happily sitting on the grass, reading her book and ended up dreaming up a whole adventure during which she fell into a hole, ended up in wonderland and almost got beheaded.

_ Did you also make all of this up? _

It didn't make sense. For a dream everything was way too far from perfect and filled with his own mistakes and unreasonable desires. Hyungwon had been fighting with himself the whole afternoon, considering whether he should just try out playing with himself the way Hoseok had or if it would only fuel his desires more. He was afraid of making it worse, of undermining the one thing he was still holding onto, but at the same time the way Hoseok reacted to him drove him mad.

Sitting on top of the pink-haired boy and rubbing his dick between his butt cheeks had felt empowering, like Hoseok really belonged to him because Hyungwon was the one who could make him feel that way.

_ And it's the same with him. He's the only one who can make you feel this way. _

Maybe that's why Hyungwon decided to try it out again, to clean up and lie in bed with the black plug and his heart hammering furiously. He wanted to know how much of it was Hoseok and how much of it was him genuinely liking the feeling.

It was a stupid thought and just how stupid became apparent when he was a moaning mess on top of his own bed and barely aware of what was happening around him. His mind successfully provided him with Hoseok's groans and the image of the boy's muscular body behind him that continuously pushed him closer to the edge.

When Hoseok actually appeared, telling him that he wanted to play with him, he should have freaked out, felt ashamed and insecure. But instead he only remembered that feeling he had, the thought that if it wasn't only about him, then he had the same ability to make the pink-haired man lose his mind. 

_ You want him to be yours. That is the thought that drives you the most. _

Sitting on top of the gorgeous boy and sinking down on his gigantic dick, Hyungwon had that single thought in his mind. That Hoseok was now his, that he wanted to become the only one that was able to make the beautiful boy feel that way. He wanted to drive him mad and make him addicted in the same way that Hyungwon couldn't imagine living without the sensation in his groin anymore.

_ But you weren't able to keep it for long. In the end, you just wanted him to take you like a ragdoll. _

Hoseok was wrong about comparing their offers, about thinking that offering Hyungwon to sleep with him was the same as Hyungwon deciding to sink down on the pink-haired boy. The difference was that Hoseok offered it, but didn't want it, whereas Hyungwon hesitated to offer it but wanted nothing more than being filled out.

_ That's why you did it. Because you know that if you don't do it now, you'll never do it. _

But everything was so different from how he imagined it, less smooth and definitely less composed. On the other hand it was way more messy and he hadn't expected Hoseok to just orgasm in the first five seconds while Hyungwon was too dumb to remember high school sex Ed.

_ Maybe cause you were always ill because it freaked you out that everybody would stare, so you preferred to fake a cold. _

Even though being close to Hoseok wasn't the way he had expected it, something about it was still ridiculously perfect. The bright smile that Hoseok directed at him, the surprise with which the pink-haired boy dealt with his issues only to show that they weren't all that bad in the end. Everything that Hyungwon found embarrassing wasn't all that bad when he mentioned it and gave Hoseok a chance to calm him down. He had even been able to admit to Hoseok that he wanted him to be his, that he whispered possessive shit at him while sinking down his length.

Inhaling sharply while lying on top of Hoseok, he still couldn't believe that he had simply acted on his desires instead of thinking about whether it was wrong or right. Next to Hoseok it felt right somehow, like being connected to the other boy like this was everything he ever needed.

Sure, it felt a little unusual and he was way too fucking sensitive to have something moving inside of him all the time, but at the same time he just wanted it to continue because he had no fucking idea what would happen once it was over. Would he feel separated again? He wanted Hoseok to be his so bad, but what if it was only a momentary sensation, a fleeting moment that disappeared along with the thickness that was spreading him right at that instance.

_ You're crazy. _

Lying on top of Hoseok's chest with the boy's length still buried inside of him, Hyungwon couldn't believe that he was making decisions he would have never dared to make before. He didn't want their closeness to end. The longer it continued the closer he felt to Hoseok, like a chain was slowly developing and connecting their wrists. It was a scary thought, but somehow Hyungwon really wished there was one, that having the chain as a reassurance would keep him from losing his mind each time the thought of Hoseok leaving appeared in his head.

Enjoying the warmth against his back, he dared to ask for it, to stutter the words that he had only whispered in his own fantasies before, asking Hoseok to fuck him again.

Suddenly he felt warm hands wrapping around his thighs and lifting him higher as Hoseok's low voice entered his ear. 

"Now you're mine," the other boy whispered, the words Hyungwon had said himself in the hope that they would become true, that he could make Hoseok his by giving him his body.

_ Is it the same for him? _

The boy's warm curved lips kissed along his neck and for a few moments, nothing happened. There was only Hoseok's rapid breaths tickling his skin and letting him know that he wasn't the only one who was excited about this. Lifting his thighs and exposing him further, Hoseok started moving, slamming his hips into his body, accompanied by low moans that travelled right into his ears.

The pleasure was instant, as if finding the spot once was sufficient for Hoseok to have a sixth sense for it. Hyungwon gasped and tugged at the soft strands that he was holding onto, enjoying how close they were this time. He had enjoyed sitting on top of Hoseok and he had loved the boy moving on top of him as he lay on the sheets. This time there was less he could do in terms of moving his body, but somehow he didn't mind a single bit. Maybe it had something to do with Hoseok's words, with the declaration that he now belonged to the other boy.

_ You're his, so it's okay that he's holding you like this. _

Moans were leaving his lips more frequently than he was ever able to talk, accompanying the pleasure that started at his behind and spread all the way to his groin. Sometimes, when Hoseok hit with a particular angle, it even felt like it passed through his legs, making his toes curl.

He thought people got used to sex, but Hyungwon couldn't imagine himself getting used to this. The sensations were too intense and there was so much thought connected with giving himself up like that, asking to be filled out even though he had detested the mere thought only a week ago. 

There was slight discomfort, but as soon as Hoseok moved a little faster it became meaningless again, as if even his perceptions were completely tuned to the other man.

_ You feel what he wants you to feel. _

"I'm yours," he whispered in between whimpers, overwhelmed by how much Hoseok was taking over him. "Do what you want with me, Hoseok."

"I can't get enough of the sounds you can make when you feel pleasure. I want to hear it all the time. I only want to do things that make you sound like that," the low voice whispered into his ear, only disturbed by rough exhales and breathy moans that Hoseok let out while his length moved in and out of him repeatedly.

_ Is it really okay to feel like this? _

The thought was ridiculous considering their height, but Hyungwon felt small somehow, like Hoseok had his arms wrapped around him and kept him in place. There was no need for the other boy to go without hearing those sounds, because he was the only one able to evoke them, to make Hyungwon delirious with pleasure and beg him for more. Even now he was barely containing his whimpers, muttering please repeatedly as his length twitched from continuous stimulation.

"You're the only one who can make me," he gasped and turned his head to the side, inhaling the scent of Hoseok's neck and disbelieving that this was real, that he was drowning in pleasure with somebody he was in love with. Situations like this didn't happen in his life, did they? But Hyungwon wanted it to be real so badly, to burn like reality did, enough to not have a single doubt this was really happening. "Make it feel real, I want this to feel real."

_ But how is he supposed to do that, Hyungwon? _

Hoseok pulled out and it was all kinds of messy, but the pink-haired boy didn't seem to give a single fuck. Letting him lay on his back, Hoseok settled between his legs and threw them over his shoulders. "Look at me," the boy whispered and pushed his thick erection inside him, filling him out while the curved lips parted, releasing a breathy moan.

Hyungwon's eyes widened, jumping from one feature of Hoseok's gorgeous face to the next. He couldn't decide where to look, how to remain aware and not miss a single second of the expression on the boy's face. His arousal remained and pleasure spread through his lower body just like before, but it was different somehow, different because he could see the effect his body had on those curved lips, eyebrows that pulled together, the moans that brushed over his face.

He couldn't help his own moans, head falling deep into the pillow and body trembling from how good it felt, how easily Hoseok filled him out and brought him closer to the edge. Licking his lips, he reached out and cupped the boy's face.

_ Is this what being in love feels like? _

"Kiss me," he gasped and let his eyes flutter shut, focusing on the feeling.

Hoseok leaned in and connected their lips, drowning in the feeling and deepening the kiss while his hips moved sensually. 

Their moans remained in between them, caught between their lips like a secret that they shared only among themselves. Hyungwon used the closeness to wrap his arms around Hoseok's neck and keep the other boy closer, enjoying the warmth radiating off Hoseok's skin and the sparks of pleasure that burned in his groin.

"I love you," he mumbled, simply because it felt right and because it was so much easier, kept like a secret between their lips. Hyungwon imagined how the words circled them like a ribbon, tying them together and making the connection impossible to break. It was what he wanted the most.

_ Security, but you can never have it. _

"I love you," Hoseok whispered back and started moving faster, encouraged by the sounds that the pink-haired boy loved so much. "I can't believe this is happening."

_ Neither can you. _

Hyungwon wanted to reply, but wasn't able to. The additional pleasure took the air from his lungs and transformed it into gasps and whimpers. His nails dug into Hoseok's shoulders as he used his legs to get the pink-haired boy to move even faster and felt how his coherency was slipping away, basking in the building pleasure.

"Fuck, give it to me," he moaned and let go of Hoseok's shoulders, accidentally scratching over the soft skin as he threw his head to the side and felt his orgasm threatening to wash over him.

It took a few more rough thrusts for Hoseok's thighs to flex and the boy's thick length to twitch repeatedly inside him while the motions continued.

"Oh god, I think it was a dry orgasm, I'm dying," Hoseok muttered and moaned once again, fucking him harder as if he knew that he was close.

Hyungwon closed his eyes and focused on the perfect slide only, thinking of the fact that it was Hoseok and the pink-haired boy was going mad because of him, because of the way he felt. One more perfectly aimed thrust was enough to throw him over the edge as Hoseok kept thrusting against the spot throughout the aftermath. It felt so good that Hyungwon worried about passing out right there.

Another stab and the pink head landed next to his as Hoseok collapsed on top of him. "I'll change the sheets in a bit," the low voice murmured, sounding only half aware.

"This is exactly what my mom was afraid of when she was told about boys in puberty," Hyungwon muttered and remembered how his mom had always been overly sensitive about him changing his sheets even though he only jerked off in the shower. He reached for Hoseok's soft hair and stroked over it while ignoring the fact that he was still being bent in half.

_ You can't fucking ignore it. _

"Hoseok… if you fall asleep like this- I will kill you."

"Do you know what I like the most? That behind the you that is stuttering outside, there is the gorgeous prince who threatens to kill me for falling asleep. I really… really like that. You." Lifting his head, Hoseok smiled softly, looking completely exhausted and reached for the tissues lazily, as if they would have saved them at any point. 

"You forgot the 'like this'," he pointed out and pursed his lips, wondering why he couldn't just faint from exhaustion and let a housekeeper clean his sheets. Probably because there was none. "I only said if you fall asleep like this, because then I'll have cum drying on my stomach and my legs will literally fall off."

_ You're too tired. Where is your filter, Hyungwon? _

"It's fine, your handsomeness, I see your point, there is indeed an extraordinary amount of cum." Hoseok giggled, throwing the tissues on the floor. "Should I carry you to the shower? And myself too. I might have enough strength for that before I collapse."

For a brief moment Hyungwon thought of declining because it would have been the right thing to do. Instead he stretched out his arms and lifted one leg, successfully ignoring the throbbing in his ass. He hadn't really thought about that before starting the whole fiasco.

"Please," he muttered and kept his eyes closed, wondering what the worst-case scenario of falling asleep was. In addition, he must have looked super unsexy, so that was pretty bad for falling asleep. He should at least look decent to make sure Hoseok doesn't change his mind about loving him.

The mattress gave out before returning to its previous shape and he was lifted bridal style, blessed by a brief kiss on his lips as the pink-haired boy carried him to the bathroom as promised, only letting go when his feet touched the tiles.

Hyungwon felt some cum running down his thighs and grimaced, suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that his behind throbbed quite a bit. It felt like he had muscle pain, only in a place where people definitely don't have muscle pain.

"Are you in pain? It's because I'm huge, right? It feels sore, right? I'm so sorry." Hoseok's big eyes observed him intently, looking guilty and sad. 

_ There you go making that smile disappear in a matter of seconds. _

"No, it's not that bad!" he exclaimed and carefully made his way to the shower by walking backwards. He didn't want Hoseok to have to stare at his cum covered ass, so he tried to keep it turned towards the shower for as long as possible. "It's probably always like that, right? So I don't think it has anything to do with your size. Also, we did it a lot and I kinda told you to go hard on me at some point, so- yeah."

_ God, you did. You told him to fuck you harder. _

All the blood that had been needed to keep his dick hard was definitely in his face now as Hyungwon mumbled and kept staring at Hoseok's naked body that was equally covered in cum, even if it wasn't as embarrassing because it wasn't running down his thighs.

"Still, I don't want you to be in pain because of me. That sucks." Cold water covered him after the boy turned on the shower that hung right above his head and Hoseok stared at him completely unphased by the water temperature.

_ So much for not wanting you to be in pain. _

"Fuck," Hyungwon yelled and turned it to hot while attempting to turn into a pancake against the shower wall. There was a reason for temperature regulation, namely to regulate it. "You putting your dick inside me is fucking heaven, but if you want me to feel pain, then cold water is the easier way. Fuck, Hoseok."

"Oh, I didn't know. I'm used to showering in cold water. Come here, Bunny will warm you up." The previous expression of sadness made room for Hoseok's breathtakingly beautiful smile as he pulled him into his warm arms and under the warmed up water. The comment was cringy, but Hyungwon couldn't get himself to complain at the sight, simply because he was so glad Hoseok was back to being cheerful. 

"Why would you torture yourself by showering cold?" he asked and let his fingers run over Hoseok's wet shoulders, enjoying how easily he could slide over the gorgeous skin. 

"I didn't torture myself. It's because water heating is expensive, I was only allowed to shower cold and at some point I kinda… got used to it? Lately I do shower warm though because it's so fucking cold outside." The bottle of shower gel clicked open and Hoseok reached out for his chest, soaping his skin carefully while travelling lower. 

_ So it wasn't him torturing himself, but somebody else torturing him. What the hell did he do in winter before? _

Hyungwon felt like a pervert observing Hoseok intently even though he should have been sick and tired of anything even remotely sexually attractive. Grabbing some shower gel for himself, he tried to occupy himself with cleaning himself while remembering that he wanted to buy Hoseok a coat.

"We need to buy you a coat, a warm one. It'll make me happy," he tried, using the same argument Hoseok had used with his last present.

"For me? Is it because of what I said just now? I'm fine, really, I do that every year and I'm only outside when I have to come home from work, so it's okay!" The boy nodded cheerfully and shampooed his pretty pink hair. 

Hyungwon shook his head and furiously tried to think of a way to explain it.

"No, it's not because of what you said. I… just really want to see you in a coat, being all warm and cosy. That'll make me really happy," he mumbled and rubbed over his thigh for the third time in succession.

"Oh… okay… oh… oh my god. I forgot to tell you! We're going to a party today. I was super nervous about it but then all of this happened and I forgot. We can walk. It’s not far from here. I’m excited." Hoseok grabbed his shoulders and shook him a little. 

The familiar sensation of a cold shudder running down his back was so sudden that for a brief moment Hyungwon wondered if he had switched the water temperature again. His breaths sped up while his brain furiously tried to process what the words meant that had just left those curved lips.

_ It's exactly what you have been afraid of, that's what it means. _

He stepped back and shook his head, feeling how he got dizzy from breathing too fast. The cold shower wall wasn't enough to get his senses back and the images in his mind weren't helping. A party, Hoseok wanted to go to a party with him, a place with masses of people that talked and judged his every move. He was going to be the outcast.

_ This party will be the reason he leaves you, because he will finally understand. _

Hyungwon coughed, but it didn't stop him from hyperventilating as he sank to the shower floor and shook his head again. Tears were burning in his eyes and fighting their way to freedom, mixing with the warm water that went down the drain.

_ You'll ruin everything. You're already ruining everything. _

"Wait, what's wrong, Hyungwon?" The pink-haired boy crouched down next to him and cupped his face, big eyes observing him with worry.

"I- I can't," he stuttered, but he couldn't get the words out, feeling how his whole body heated up and he lost feeling in his fingertips. Tears were already streaming down his face and he hated himself for reacting this way, for freaking Hoseok out immediately after being that close.

_ You'll break it all after making him yours. They'll talk to him and he'll realize that you're a waste of time because he can't even date you properly. _

Hoseok brushed his tears away with both thumbs, stroking over his cheeks affectionately, gaze still full of worry and unidentifiable thoughts "But why? I mean, I'm nervous because you will meet people who can dress well and socialise well because they have a functional family and were taken care of and then you will probably think that I'm kind of bothersome, which is true, but I still… I still want to go with you."

Hyungwon shook his head again, this time because Hoseok didn't understand. He didn't understand the problem, the fact that Hyungwon was different from everybody else. He couldn't go without getting drunk.

"No-" he whispered and couldn't help a sob that escaped his lips. "It's not because of you, I'm just- I'm just so fucking scared. I can't breathe."

"But I'm going with you! You're not alone and although being seen with me is admittedly embarrassing or something, I thought it's still better than if you went alone, right?" Hoseok pulled him up and wrapped his arms around his waist. "I'll be with you. We met at a party too, it will be fine."

"But I can't talk," he gasped and tried to be closer to the pink-haired man, to forget that he had to go anywhere and that it was only a matter of time until everything was going to fall apart. Maybe Hyungwon should have let it fall apart earlier to be less hurt. "You'll- you'll be there and shine… like the sun and I- I won't get a single word out. I'll just get piss drunk."

_ He can't even imagine it because he hasn't seen you have a panic attack in front of a door you never walked through. _

"But people just make fun of me, so you don't have to worry. I agree that the only reason I have a friend is because it's cool for people to have someone next to them who is kinda meh, because then they can stand out with their awesome looks, sense of fashion, manners and great personality. You have the chance to not be a weirdo, because it's my job. Don't you know my nickname? I'm the leather jacket. Or the gay shirt, because that's my favourite shirt and I always wear that. They say I never wash it, but I do. Just every day." Hoseok sighed after his monologue and he felt a warm palm on his head, stroking over his wet locks gently. "You want to get drunk? Let's do it, I'll take care of you and you can be drunk."

_ Does he really mean it? _

Hyungwon couldn't believe how easily Hoseok dealt with his problems, how he smiled and told him things that made his own issues seem like nothing, like self-pity. He had also called the beautiful boy leather jacket in his mind before and the guilt that spread in his stomach now that he realized wasn't worth it.

_ You're just like them, thinking you're something better even though you're everything but. _

"Why are you so nice?" he asked, but didn't expect an answer, merely holding his breath to get the feeling back into his fingers. His knees hurt from sitting on the ground and he couldn't believe that he had an attack in the shower, right next to Hoseok. "Why aren't you ditching me?"

"Because I've never thought about it, not even once, and now that you're asking me and I have to think about it, everything hurts and I feel like crying. I don't want to," the boy's low voice whispered right next to his ear while he was hugged even tighter than before. "I'm not nice. Everybody should be nice. I'm just me."

"I like you being you," he muttered and rested his head against Hoseok's chest even though he had to lean forward for that. "I'm still scared though. I don't want to embarrass myself. I needed three hours to decide to go to that party where we met. You can't imagine how difficult this is for me. I always try to plan everything, every possible conversation, but it doesn't make me freak out less. Unless I'm drunk, then I just say dumb things and hate myself in the morning. I hated myself in the morning after meeting you because I thought you hated me."

"I thought about your beautiful lace underwear and how ethereal you looked in that green pool with your wet hair and pretty reflections playing around your collarbones. I thought I made you up because nobody knew about you, but I still had the address. I was scared that you'd throw me back out and I hated that I was so desperate, but that's my all-time fate. Being desperate but still pushing through. Like now. I'm scared that you'll stop liking me after that party, but I want to go there with you and try to be of help too. You buy me things and you care so much for me. I don't deserve any of it, but I'm taking it. I want to try to take a tiny tiny bit of your discomfort if I can. Do you think you could let me?" The boy leaned back and brushed back his wet bangs, black eyes looking at him with so much vulnerability and honesty that it was hard to bear.

Hyungwon nodded slowly, swallowing down the guilt for being of absolutely no help in comparison. Hoseok had done so much for him, helping him with documents, going shopping, talking to people. The pink-haired boy kept thinking that buying him things could compare, but it didn't. Hyungwon hadn't done anything to show Hoseok how much he was worth. Instead the boy he was in love with continuously considered himself to be the worst.

Reaching for Hoseok's forearm, he lifted and turned it until it showed his ugly writing, speaking the truth but never able to quite get it across.

"This is the truth," he whispered and hoped that Hoseok would understand, "not what they keep telling you."

"It feels weird, but I don't even need anything else, if what the writing says is really true. Because I only want to be someone precious to you. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror when I have time to go to the toilet between the lecture at noon and my shift and shake my head at myself. I can't believe that I'm so greedy for you even though I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. But I'm Hoseok. My mom said I'm special because I think that I'm allowed to want anything even though I'm nothing and annoying and bothersome at best." The beautiful boy leaned back and observed him for a few seconds with an unreadable expression on his face. Smiling like the sun, Hoseok stroked over his head once. "You are so incredibly beautiful, Hyungwon, holy shit. Do you know the old German story of the dumb guy called Hans who only did dumb shit but was always happy? I guess that's me, only that Hans doesn't have you. I'm not saying that I have you either, but I'm dumb enough to imagine and be happy just by imagining it. I told you I'm special." Winking briefly, Hoseok turned off the shower and reached for a big, fluffy towel that he stared drying him with.

"You have me," he replied, unsure what else to say while Hoseok rubbed his body. How was he supposed to change Hoseok's mind, to tell him that whatever his parents told him was wrong? Hyungwon didn't really know how to prove it, how to make a difference in the boy's mind. "You have me and you're not dumb. I wish you could see how precious you are, but I can't fucking show you. I don't know how."

"Show me, by distracting me with your dazzling body and your stunning face, prince handsome. I want to see how you pick clothes. That must be so cool. I love watching Jooheon, how he struggles to pick something because there are so many possibilities. It's like a whole story that unfolds in front of your eyes," Hoseok exclaimed excitedly and took the pink towel from the hook, drying himself and his hair, before taking his hand and pulling him down the hallway to the bedroom.

_ You have to buy him some clothes, it'll make him so happy. _

"But I'm really boring when it comes to picking clothes. I'm just a dude, I grab what's on the top and make sure it's tight," he muttered and found himself right in front of his wardrobe. 

"The lace underwear," Hoseok whispered suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows that he could see from the corner of his eye. "And you're not just a dude, you're my dude, and the most ethereal person I've ever seen, so I can't wait to see what you'll wear. No matter what it is, you look absolutely dope."

"But I always wear lace underwear, Hoseok," he complained and reached for the first pair on top of his stack. They were all really nice and comfortable, so he happily slipped them over his butt. Somehow it was exciting to have Hoseok watch him so intently, but at the same time Hyungwon worried about not looking sexy enough. 

"I can't get enough of it. I love the way you move. You getting dressed is like the opposite of good, but so attractive at the same time. A paradox." The pink-haired boy sat naked and cross-legged on the carpet, glancing up at him and giving exactly zero shits as usual while being so sensitive and vulnerable on the inside. It seemed as if only he was able to see that. 

"Why don't you sit on the bed?" he asked, suddenly feeling thankful that he put on underwear. He didn't know how butts looked after sex and whether it was an okay sight or not. Hyungwon didn't really want to risk it.

Glancing inside his wardrobe, he picked out a pair of tight black pants with rips along his thighs and grabbed one of his favourite shirts with a pattern. It was one of the dark ones because he didn't want to stick out.

_ But you don't even know what kind of party it is. _

He almost hyperventilated again, but his brain remembered in time that Hoseok probably knew.

"What kind of party is it?" he asked while sticking his right leg into the tight fabric. Not the sexiest movement.

"I'm not sitting on the bed because it's a warzone. A minefield, just instead of mines there's cum. I'll change the sheets after I finish watching you dress." Hoseok shifted and leaned to the left and then to the right to look at him from various directions. "Just a mid-semester party. Nothing crazy fancy, but people around here are rich, so you look perfect. I have the invitations from Jooheon. You would've gotten one easily, but I always get mine from him."

Hyungwon stared because the concept of invitations was utterly new to him.

"I thought people just say they are throwing a party and whoever is at uni is free to come," he commented and buttoned up the pants, satisfied with how they sat on his hips. How he was able to forget that his bed looked like a jerk-off party was a mystery.

_ Shit, what if people will be able to tell that you walk weirdly? Won't that just scream 'bottom'? _

Hyungwon held his breath because he knew himself and hurriedly buttoned up the shirt on his chest, leaving the first two buttons undone.

"Sure, the ones that are officially organised. This is a private one by a rich guy. He was tattooed by Jooheon, that's how he got some invitations for us, but the drinks and food are free, that's why it's so cool." Hoseok jumped up and stepped closer, scanning him from head to toes. "Fuck, you're fabulous. Makes me want to wear a dress. A red one. We would be an amazing couple." The pink-haired boy turned away and put on his trunks reluctantly. 

"You're not naked anymore," Hyungwon muttered until he realized how dumb that sounded. "I mean- I like you naked. If you don't know what to wear we could also just… buy something for you before going there."

_ He'll never agree, ever. _

"Maybe a red dress if you like."

Hyungwon swallowed, disbelieving that he just offered something he considered super weird in the hope that Hoseok would agree. He hated shopping, but if it wasn't for him he could deal with it. His mom had always taken him along and sitting somewhere and nodding or shaking his head had been easy.

_ But what if he really wants to wear a dress? _

"A dress is luxury. When I'm rich and have enough clothes, I'll buy myself a dress. I tried one on at H&M, but they are all made for smaller or bigger boobs and my back is so broad while my waist is tiny." Hoseok sighed and turned around to him, looking like a mixture of guilty and intrigued.

"Let's buy you a dress." Hyungwon was surprised by the determination in his voice, but the sadness on Hoseok's face was difficult to bear and made him want to order half of Amazon just to make sure Hoseok looked happy again. "And a coat. Remember? It'll make me happy."

"Why do I feel as if my dad will come in any moment and tell me that there's nothing that belongs to me? It feels so weird," Hoseok murmured barely audibly and grabbed his favorite grey shirt with the small rainbow flag on the chest, pulling it over his sculpted torso. "Why are you like this, Hyungwon? Does looking at me make you sad?"

"I'm selfish," he replied and shook his head. Hoseok was close enough to brush through his wet hair, so Hyungwon did exactly that, for once really enjoying the height difference. "I love you and like to see you smile, so I'll make you smile a lot. That's at least the plan." Grinning, Hyungwon suddenly decided to cite the other boy. "You have objections? I don't accept any."

"I should feel guilty, but I'm just happy and overwhelmed that you consider going to the shop just because of me. Hyungwon… thank you so much," Hoseok whispered with an expression that was filled with genuine gratitude. 

_ Why the fuck would you care what he wants to buy, Hyungwon? Let him wear whatever he wants _.

Instead of commenting, he simply wrapped his arms around Hoseok and pulled him against his chest, hugging him tightly and hoping that it brought his feelings across better than any words could. Raking through the soft hair, he couldn't help but be curious about something. 

"Hoseok, can you drive a car?" 

The boy shook his head quickly and hugged back as if scared that he would ditch him only because of his inability to drive.

_ As if you would ditch him just because of that. _

"Then I shall be your driver for this trip, Mr. Lee," he whispered and felt a smile tug at the corners of his lips.

Hyungwon didn't have a way to repay and to show him that he was so much more than just worthy, but maybe he was at least able to conjure a smile on the boy's face. It didn't compare, but maybe it gave him just a hint of a chance to keep it all for a little while longer. To have Hoseok next to him for a few more moments.

***

Hoseok was Cinderella. Pink-haired, pierced, tattooed and with a huge dick, but still Cinderella. Only worthless and without any shoe that would have fit. The only person who didn’t seem to notice was the beautiful black-haired man, who looked focused and winced once in a while when the turn turned out too rough in Hoseok's pumpkin carriage that brought him to a big shop to make him look like a human for once.

_ He would need to do more than that and you would still remain yourself, Nemo. _

He sighed but decided to shut his mouth. Talking was only going to be an additional trigger for his handsome roommate to have more pity and buy him more things after he had given Hoseok his delicate body to ravish.

_ And you took it three times, like a greedy bastard. For fuck's sake. _

The buildings rushed past him while his thoughts stayed the same, circling around the fact that all of this wasn’t his to have, wasn’t his to enjoy and that at some point there would be a situation, a decision that would take everything away and he wouldn’t be mad because it wasn’t his in the first place.

_ You need to deserve things like love, clothes, a home. You deserve nothing because you didn’t do a single thing, Hoseok, _his mother’s voice reminded him just in time.

Again there was the smooth and very comfortable leather seat of Hyungwon’s very fancy car that he didn’t know the brand or the model of. He was in general shit with knowledge on cars and Dr. Professor Mr. Chae wouldn’t have approved of him with his lack of masculinity or whatever it was that he judged by.

_ He wouldn’t approve of anything about you, and you know it. _

He knew he did. The thought occupied his mind while they rode to the shopping center and while Hyungwon expertly parked the car into a tiny spot, as if he had laser eyes and knew exactly where the tires were and how to turn the wheel to fit right between a huge black car and a smaller red one.

“Don’t you think the concept of gender identity is weird? It narrows a person down to very arbitrary behaviors and preferences that often have nothing in common and don’t even necessarily represent the majority of people that should belong to a specific category.” Hoseok left the car and closed the door with a loud noise that sounded dull in the parking garage that was empty because it was just forty minutes before closing time.

"What?" the black-haired boy muttered like he wasn't quite sure what had just happened, big eyes focused on Hoseok as he put his car key into his favorite leather bag. Hyungwon always looked like he just came back from a fancy ball, hosted by his parents because he was the prince. "What is gender identity? Whether you are a boy or a girl?" 

“Well, gender identity is your personal view and sense of your own gender. The trick is, that society assigns you to one category at birth, so they act as if you have a choice because you can think what you want, but you are socialized according to the respective category. Like, for example, boys wear blue and girls wear pink. Boys play with cars and legos and dinosaurs and girls play with dolls, puppies and glitter. From that point, in the course of your life, expectations arise, like being feminine or masculine. ‘You shouldn’t like this’, ‘You should be liking that and behaving like this instead’, things like that. If you think about it, you are a man, I mean, your gender identity is male, right? However, you just exist as a human, but people, like your dad, expect you to take a certain role in a relationship and even expect you to have specific preferences that have absolutely nothing to do with whether you are a guy or not. Isn’t it weird?” Hoseok sighed and smiled, knowing too well that he just spurted a whole monologue on gender identity because he felt like an alien once again. It seemed to be his state, his gender identity was alien. Someone who doesn’t belong.

"What you say makes sense, but at the same time I don't understand why I would decide my identity myself. How can I choose if that's just how it is? I mean- you can't just be a guy and decide to be a girl, right?" Hyungwon seemed visibly confused as he stepped closer and wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's upper arm, tugging him along."I always thought that we are taught the differences between boys and girls because they are there. Like men being physically stronger and having more muscle mass, and therefore having to protect girls and stuff."

“I’m not sure what’s more concerning, the fact that you just invalidated the whole transgender community, or that you finished with sexist bullshit. First of all, your gender identity can correlate with your assigned sex at birth, or it can differ. It can happen that you have a dick, but your gender identity is female and you feel terrible inside your body and want to undergo surgery to feel better about yourself. It can also be that your gender identity is male and you have a female sex, but only suffer because people around you misgender you and make you feel as if you’re nuts. Yeah. There are different combinations. Secondly, differences are between individuals, not between groups. That’s where the whole problem comes from. ‘You don’t like cars, that’s weird, aren’t you a guy?’ Yes, Mark, I don’t give a fuck about cars, but I know the ingredients of my hair dye by heart and it means absolutely nothing apart from what it is. You like cars and I like hair dye. The problem starts when you’re a manly Swiss dude and I’m the bubblegum bitch and it becomes insulting and intolerant. Do you get my point? It sucks because you assume I’m different on a scale I didn’t even agree to be judged on.” Grinning, Hoseok stepped closer and grabbed the boy’s collar playfully. “And let’s be honest, the only reason why girls don’t have huge biceps is because the male population shames them with femininity. Otherwise they would grow huge fucking arms and would hit us in the nuts.”

Hyungwon's eyes only widened further as Hoseok grabbed his collar, but the tall boy didn't step away and merely nodded slowly, looking uncomfortable.

"That sounds terrible, all of it. I can't imagine being caught in the wrong body and it must be terrible for you to have guys judge you all the time. Is that also why that asshole decided that you… like to have sex that way?" The boy's voice was very quiet and he glanced towards the exit of the parking garage before looking at Hoseok again. 

_ You must have traumatized him with your whining. _

“Well, I have a face ‘like a girl’ and I’m nice and smiley and I don’t like fighting. I also try to make others feel good, so I guess he assumed I would like it. The fun thing is that even if he knew that I didn’t, the opinion was too strong, you know? It was weird because he obviously used the fact that I’m nice to make me feel bad and to make himself feel superior. That’s really… sad. On the other hand, I don’t really understand why somebody would be like that in the first place. Why would you use closeness to another person to hurt them? But oh, well, you know, with me I’m not even mad, but there are other people who suffer from it a lot and it’s super discriminating. People all deserve to be the way they are, Hyungwon. Don’t you think? No matter what kind of qualities they have, as long as they don’t hurt other people.” He continued walking and didn’t look back, entering the big shopping mall, caught in his thoughts and swallowing the painful knot in his throat.

Hyungwon quickly caught up with him and he felt the big palm on his shoulder, slowing him down as Hyungwon appeared next to him.

"I do think so," the black-haired boy replied and met his gaze, brown colour reflecting some of the fancy lights and making it look like there were tiny stars in them. "There is only one thing I don't understand. You said that we were all humans and that we deserve to be the way we are. You said it is not okay to hurt other people, to use their trust, but then why do you think it is okay if it happens to you? You're human too and it applies to you as much as everybody. I'm sorry for being so ignorant, I never really thought about it before."

“I am human. I can explain it well, actually, if you promise me that you won’t feel bad for me and try to change my situation. It’s not possible. I will remain who I am and you will remain who you are. There is no point in covering the nothing in gold, it’ll collapse.” He reached out and patted the boy’s warm hand. “You grew up, those eighteen, nineteen years, you had people who loved you. Sure, I know that you didn’t have it easy, you are scared a lot, but still, your mom and dad and Martha… they love you so much, Hyungwon. With Jooheon too. His mom really, like, really hates me a lot, but when I see her with him, I can feel how warmth radiates from her body just because Jooheon is so precious to her. The way she smiles when he smiles. It’s beautiful and it’s the way it should be. In my case… my first memory was my mother screaming at me and it continued with worse things that both of my parents have blessed me with. I kind of love them, even though I know that they hate me, everything about my existence and I know that there must have been, must be something about me that makes them so appalled and disgusted, angry and full of hate. This feeling you get when you are little and only have your parents or other people who raise you, the feeling they give you, in your case the love. You grow up and you know, that no matter what, those people love you and they are your home in a way. With me I only know that I am unwanted, hated, despised, all those things. There can’t be a home for me, I’m nothing because there is nothing that was given to me back then besides some kind of will to survive. I don’t even know where it comes from to be honest. I don’t even plan on ever reproducing.” He rolled his eyes and took Hyungwon’s hand, pulling him along. “So, where do you want me?”

The tall boy observed him intently, expression unreadable as he slipped his fingers in between Hoseok's and squeezed once.

"Have you ever thought that it's not something about you, but something about them? I know it must sound strange to you, especially since you said that you care about them, but we discussed several cases in class and a lot of children get treated badly or get abused by their parents, many more than should be. Do you really think all of them are worthless and shouldn't exist? It's not about you as a person, but it is something that has happened to you. It's not your fault that they treated you this way, it is theirs for even thinking it is okay. Even if they had a different child, they would have most likely acted the same way, being hurtful and abusive. If… if you don't have a place you call home because they didn't give you one, then we'll simply make you one, a new one. I mean-" Hyungwon swallowed and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. "I- I can't replace eighteen years of your life, nineteen now, but… but I can try?" 

_ You keep doing it all the time. The victim thing. When will it finally stop? _

“God, I’m so sorry for acting like a victim all the time, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, not at all. I’m also sorry in advance for holding onto your leg and crying when you decide to throw me out, but I can’t promise to behave differently. I somehow keep wanting things that aren’t there for me. We only have half an hour, you should decide where you want to go.” Hoseok turned around and walked backwards, lifting the v-sign to his head and acting like a bunny. It was fun. More fun than talking about the inevitable.

Hyungwon smiled and gestured towards a big shop before catching up with him and grabbing his hand.

"God, the only one who always plays victim is me, crying stupidly and almost fainting in public. But sure, keep trying to make me feel better." The smile remained as the black-haired boy sighed and glanced at his fancy watch. "I'm not deciding what we buy because it's up to you. You said you don't want to be covered in gold. I wasn't planning on doing that, especially since you said you like red. You're still yourself, choosing the clothes you like and they better be crazy or I'll think you're choosing them for me. Come on."

Tugging him along into the shop, Hyungwon stopped right in the middle of it, surrounded by masses of clothes and glancing at him expectantly. 

Hoseok hadn’t realized it before, but standing in the middle of racks with many different beautiful things to wear, he felt so incredibly out of place that it hurt. His breathing sped up and he felt his eyes widen involuntarily.

“I… I don’t know,” he muttered, staring at some random shirt with a pattern he could barely recognize from how blurry his vision was.

"Hoseok?" Hyungwon asked carefully before taking his hand again. "I'm a little lost too. I always came here with my mom and she always knew exactly what she wanted. But- it's okay. There is nobody here, so it's okay. I can do this. We can go to the coats and then you can choose one that has a nice color, okay? What color do you like?" 

He could feel how the taller boy already pulled him along, past several stacks of pants and sweatshirts and underwear, all the way until there were only jackets and coats.

He smiled forcefully and pointed at some coat that was black, or grey, he wasn’t sure. As soon as Hyungwon gave him the piece of clothing, he stumbled towards the changing rooms, placing the coat on the hook and sinking down on the floor, hugging his knees.

_ What are you doing here? _

He had no idea how he found himself in a shop, driven there in a fancy car and suddenly being surrounded by expensive clothes and having Hyungwon next to him, wanting to buy him things. Hoseok felt how the first few tears ran down his cheeks and he brushed them away quickly. It had been easy in the boy’s big apartment because it was like a hideout where he was able to be himself with his three washed out shirts while enjoying the temporary company of the beautiful person he loved, however, being outside, in the shop, confronted with the fact that there was no way he could combine his lifestyle with Hyungwon’s, that it was impossible to find a middle ground, made his lungs clench in pain.

_ He will want to give you things because you can’t hide the fact that you’re fucking miserable and even if you try, nobody will believe you. He gave you the phone, the toys, but he won’t be able to compensate for what’s missing in you. He just doesn’t know it yet, that’s why he keeps trying. _

His hands trembled and he felt physical pain while inhaling, but he also knew that he couldn’t stay in the changeroom forever, so he forced himself back on his feet and inhaled sharply. It wasn’t time for emotional breakdowns and self-pity. That time was when he was standing alone under the shower while lying to Hyungwon that he was jerking off.

“I… don’t think this fits,” he murmured and pulled the curtain to the side, carrying the coat in his right hand until he found the rack to hang it on. “Maybe we should come again when we have more time?”

_ But he probably won’t want to go to the party with you if you look like that. _

"You hate this, don't you?" Hyungwon asked in reply and stepped closer, carefully wrapping his arms around his waist and pushing Hoseok's head against his bony shoulder. "You look like me when I'm about to break down. You must really hate it here, I'm sorry. Do you think I could get you this though?" The black-haired boy leaned back just enough to show Hoseok a hint of bright yellow, a puffy jacket with a fluffy hood attached to it.

"I don't know if you will be able to…" _ fix anything, _he thought and swallowed down the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry for being like this."

"It's okay, as a kid I had a panic attack once and hid under a table covered in jeans," Hyungwon replied and stroked over his pink hair once. "To be honest, we don't have to do anything if it makes you unhappy. I just wanted to make you happy, but if this isn't it, then fuck it. Want to wait outside, while I take care of this?" 

"Can I leave, please?" he whispered, unable to act anymore and curled his fingers into tight fists. He shouldn't have reacted like this. This kind of behaviour was usually assigned to the interactions with his parents, but now that there weren't any, his body must've missed it or something similarly ridiculous. 

Hyungwon immediately let go of him, eyes scanning his face until the black-haired boy simply nodded, not saying a word until he had taken a few deep breaths.

"Please don't hate me," Hyungwon whispered before turning around and hurrying in the direction of the counter, steps echoing through the shop.

_ How could you hate him? _

Hoseok still wasn't able to breathe properly, even when he stood outside of the shop, crouched down with his back against the glass railing. He had no idea how he managed to think that he, at any point, would be enough for anybody. He was a hypocrite, telling Hyungwon that he was nothing, while still having hope that there might be someone, that Hyungwon was that someone, who was interested in the nothing. In him. But life wasn't like that. Reality laughed at him in all the colorful clothing inside the shop that stared at him with a hint of unspoken judgement, pointing out his flaws and drawing a very thick line between him and the person next to him, the human he wanted to be close to the most.

A pair of black leather shoes stopped right in front of him. When Hoseok glanced up, he was met with Hyungwon's pretty face, but instead of looking calm, the way he had when they arrived, the boy's plump lips were trembling and his eyes seemed to be unable to focus, switching from one feature on Hoseok's face to the next. A big paper bag was in the boy's hands that he dropped to the floor.

"What do I need to do so you won't leave?" Hyungwon whispered suddenly and swallowed. The black-haired boy struggled to get the words out. "Do you want me to take it back? Is that how I made you upset? I'll do anything, Hoseok, I promise. Just- please don't leave. I'm- I'm so scared."

"I'm sorry for overreacting. I won't leave. I will be the one holding onto your leg, remember?" Licking his dry lips, Hoseok reached forward and wrapped his arms around the boy's slim legs, hugged by the expensive black pants that looked so good on him. "I'm practicing for the worst-case scenario."

"But I don't want the worst-case scenario, I won't let it happen," Hyungwon forced out before his breaths stuttered and he covered his eyes with his palm, shoulders shaking. "Shit, I was so scared that you wouldn't be here when I came out. I- I was so sure that I fucked up and ruined everything and- I'm just so scared of this breaking, Hoseok. That's why I didn't want to say that I love you. Because I ruin everything and you'll want to run away from me as fast as you can."

"But I love you. I told you, you are the only one… just… the situation in that shop reminded me of some things that I keep forgetting, to live a peaceful life and not hate myself too much and it made me want to cry and run away. I'm sorry for making you scared, Hyungwon. Your mom told me to not force you to do stuff and I keep behaving in a way that makes you have pity on me and even force you to go to that party with me. You don't have to go. I promised Jooheon to come, so I have to, but you don't have to go." Hoseok buried his face in the boy's thighs and exhaled roughly. He wanted to run outside and just run and run until he collapsed on the grass in some park he didn't know and inhale until the moon was replaced by the sun.

"But-" Hyungwon gasped for air and needed a few moments until he got the words out. "But I don't want you to go alone, I want to be next to you. If I don't go I'm going to stay at home and cry, hating myself and wishing I wasn't this fucking useless. Having you with me is the only chance I have to go without having to drink myself stupid, Hoseok. I can't do anything without you. Haven't you realized how fucking helpless I am? How much I need you?"

"That's what you think. It's like thinking that one needs the sun for the moon to exist, but the moon is always there, one is just unable to see before the sun shines on it. You're not helpless. You're taking care of me full time, and don't even get anything in return, taking discomfort and spending your energy on me. If you want to go, I would love to go with you. You will see and compare and probably realise that something is missing in me, and find someone who will be able to compare to you because you are perfect." Hoseok patted his chest and got up on his feet, still shaky and willing to run to forget about his thoughts that tortured him. 

"You're stupid," Hyungwon sobbed and rubbed over his eyes, still not uncovering them. "You're stupid because the only thing that was missing in my fucking life was you. The only one who doesn't know how to give back all those things you give me, is me, because I only have money and stupid issues I can't deal with on my own."

Shaking his head in disapproval, he reached out and stroked over the boy's black locks. "You are the only one who sees me in an entirely positive light and I will never forget that. I promise."

"Can't you promise to stay with me, no matter what? Even if you suddenly stop loving me, can't you still stay next to me?" Hyungwon mumbled and finally removed his hand from his face, hugging Hoseok tightly instead. "I know I must sound desperate, but I only need you, I swear."

"Whatever it is, I can't imagine not loving you, because there's not a single reason why one shouldn't love you. And I'll attach to your leg because I'm always desperate. I must be stupid, but I have the wish to show you how many gorgeous people and things there are out there, even though I know that it means that you will probably, at some point, start seeing me the way I am. But I want to show you, Hyungwon. That there is so much more apart from me that you can have," Hoseok whispered and took the boy's hand, turning around and pulling him towards the fancy car. 

Hyungwon grabbed the paper bag and squeezed his hand once, voice quiet as he replied.

"Show me," the black-haired boy whispered. "Show me, so that I can prove to you that you are the only one that matters." 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep fighting monbebe. Nothing is lost!!!! 
> 
> Next Update on the 6th of November at 2 PM CET.  
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_ A hypocrite, that's what you are. _

Hyungwon stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, wondering why the words didn't magically appear on his forehead in pitch-black ink. If life was fair they probably would have, just to make sure Hoseok knew what he was dealing with.

_ But if life was fair, Hoseok wouldn't have so many struggles in the first place. _

Hyungwon didn't consider his own struggles real struggles. That's what his parents always said; that he was too shy and just needed to get his shit together. The problem was that he never did.

_ Which is why you are still here while he is waiting for you. _

There was no way for him to plan through all scenarios and be ready for everything, but the fact that Hoseok was with him made it easier. It was just like when his mother took him by the hand and brought him somewhere, Hyungwon was only afraid of what had always happened afterwards. 

_ She left you there and picked you up later. _

Sure, Hoseok could say that he would stay around, but the pink-haired boy was a social butterfly and Hyungwon was a weirdo. In addition, Jooheon was there, so of course Hoseok was going to be busy.

_ That's why you are a hypocrite, because you hate that you won't have him for yourself. _

Hoseok wanted to show him all the wonderful things in the world, even though the other boy was convinced that Hyungwon would leave him. Sure, Hyungwon agreed simply because he knew that there was no way he would change his mind, but what about Hoseok?

_ You don't want him to see everything else, because you're too fucking scared he'll leave. _

Hyungwon willingly accepted Hoseok's open-mindedness, but expected the boy he loved to live in a mental cage that he built for him. 

_ You're such a possessive asshole. Maybe not dating just spared you from finding out. _

He sighed and brushed through his hair briefly, making sure it looked good before finally leaving the bathroom. His butt still throbbed quite a bit, but it was way better than a panic attack, so he kept hoping that the soreness wouldn't go away. Hoseok was already prepared with shoes on his feet and his usual leather jacket, in the middle of winter.

"Won't you be cold?" Hyungwon asked to distract from the fact that he was still scared. Unfortunately, he also didn't know exactly why Hoseok was so devastated at the shopping center.

_ You really can't do anything right. _

"Oh, it's okay as long as I move. I plan on jumping around and entertaining you, so I'll be warm and cosy." The pink-haired boy smiled brightly and stepped closer, examining his face. "How about you?" 

"I'll wear a coat," Hyungwon muttered, not sure why Hoseok redirected the question to him. After all, he always wore a coat once it got colder than 15 degrees. "You could also… wear that jacket, but you obviously don't have to. It's… really yellow."

"Would you… like me to?" There was a hint of hesitation in the low voice, but Hoseok's face had the same excited look resembling a sun that just came out of the clouds and was ridiculously happy to see him.

"It's up to you. If you like it, wear it, if not then don't. You can wear whatever you like." Hyungwon smiled because he felt like it was necessary to calm the boy down. He did feel sorry for just buying the extremely yellow one, but he simply thought it would fit Hoseok because he was the sun. His sun. It even had that fluffy stuff that could have been sun rays around the boy's face. "I got… the yellow one because you look like the sun."

"That… is so nice of you. It must've been super expensive. Let me see how much it was and whether I can wear it." Hoseok went to the bag and started looking for the tag or the bill, but Hyungwon had hid them, so there was nothing. The round eyes glanced up, visibly scanning him from head to toes. "You hid it on purpose, didn't you?" Hoseok asked, but slipped out of his leather jacket and stared at the yellow fabric. 

_ Well, fuck. _

"I didn't really hide it or anything, I just always get rid of it because it doesn't matter. I don't think my mom has ever taken clothing back to the store, she just donates it instead, so bills aren't really necessary." He swallowed, because he also wanted to say more of the truth. "But I don't think it matters how much it was. I told you so often that money doesn't mean anything to me. I have a lot of it, like a lot of blankets, remember? If I can give somebody a blanket, that's super cool and makes me happy. I didn't buy this jacket because it's expensive, but because it's bright yellow and reminds me of you. Cause- cause you're my sun."

_ God, you sound like such an emotional wreck again. Where's your dick, Hyungwon? _

Hoseok listened and slowly slipped his arms into the sleeves of the bright yellow jacket, throwing the hood over his pink head and turning towards him, arms spread. "Then I guess, I will be your sun. A sun that looks as if it needs a lot of blankets," Hoseok murmured and moved closer, embracing him tightly.

_ He thinks that you do it because he looks like he needs it. _

"You don't look like you need it, but when I see something I want to give you or see that you're cold, I want to do something. This-" Hyungwon leaned back and grabbed the fluffy hood, cupping Hoseok's face in the process. "This looks like sun rays around your face. I was right. It's so pretty, fuck."

He felt breathless because of how beautiful Hoseok was, pink hair framed by bright yellow and surrounding the boy's gorgeous face.

"I'm happy that you like my face." The handsome man smiled and leaned forward, blessing him with a brief kiss. "Seems as if we're ready. Let's go."

_ And there goes your calm and happiness. _

Hyungwon nodded and grabbed Hoseok's hand, hoping that it was gonna make things easier. He had his sun, so maybe things were going to be okay?

Making his way to the door, he pressed his ear against it as usual. Luckily, there was nobody there, so he left the apartment and took Hoseok along. That is when he realised that his roommate sounded like he thought Hyungwon only liked his face.

"I love everything about you," he muttered, embarrassed because it was out of context.

"I don't think anybody ever told me something like that. Jooheon is usually very specific about compliments. It's the first time that someone said he likes everything. It sounds… like a dream. I got a lot of compliments for my dick and my ass too, but now there's just you, so I only get to hear that I'm the sun. It feels different, but nice." Hoseok was in front of him before turning around and walking backwards, occasionally looking over his shoulder to make sure he didn't face plant.

_ Let's hope he doesn't get hurt. _

"You're also cute," Hyungwon commented, ignoring the spark of anger at people complimenting Hoseok for his ass. "I can compliment you like that too if you like. I mean- I also like your ass and your dick. It just feels a little random to compliment it when I see neither."

_ God, now you just sound like a pervert. _

"You want to see it? Now?" Hoseok exclaimed loudly and attracted a few curious glances. “Really, right now?”

"God- no, not right now, I still feel it," Hyungwon hissed and felt the sudden need to cover Hoseok's pretty mouth and spare both of them the embarrassment. "In private, where nobody else sees it. I hate sharing."

_ And now you sound like a selfish brat. You're doing amazing. _

The boy’s face changed and he stopped, wrapping his hands around Hyungwon’s shoulders. “Oh no, are you in pain? Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I will never do that again!”

Hyungwon panicked, but it wasn't the typical type of panicking where he just hyperventilated and felt like dying. This time it was a hypothetical misunderstanding that freaked him out so much that the opposite happened. His mouth opened and words began to flow out, words that were so embarrassing he considered panicking for real right after.

"God, don't do this to me, Hoseok. It was meant in a good way, I'm glad that I still feel it because it reminds me of what it was like and that for that short moment I really felt like you belong to me. Now I just keep getting insecure because there is nothing to reassure me apart from this. Don't take away my reassurance and the knowledge that I can make you mine again, please," he babbled, eyes squeezed shut and hands useless at his sides. "I- I liked it. I fucking liked it, okay?"

_ You liked it so much that you want him to do it again, even though it makes you a bottom. _

“I liked it too. I’m just so insecure because I don’t know about any of it. Did I do it right? Was I greedy for doing it three times? Should I be ashamed for whining about it before and then doing the exact same thing like a hypocrite? I’m not ashamed though, I just don’t want to hurt you. I can refrain from anything if it means that you will feel better. Besides kissing. I can’t do that. Kissing you is like…” Hoseok moved again, backwards, letting go of his shoulders and lifting both hands to his yellow hood, tightening it around his incredibly beautiful face. “It’s like… You know, Jooheon told me this story once, when we talked about our first memories. He said that he fell and his mom said that his hurt knee gets better when she kisses it, and she did and he said it was like magic. The pain wasn’t bad anymore. I guess that’s how it feels to me. I’m okay existing and I’m not sad or anything, but there are a lot of things that are messed up in my life, however, when I kiss you, it’s gone for those few seconds. It feels like that.” 

Hyungwon's eyes widened in reaction to the other boy's words and for a brief moment he didn't know what to say, how to contribute without feeling guilty for not kissing Hoseok every single second.

_ He's worried about so many things and you think you have problems because you enjoy sex. _

"It feels the same to me when you are next to me," he whispered instead of sharing his self-judgement and caught up with Hoseok to kiss his cheek briefly, just for a second. "I'm always afraid to do things and there are so many things I'm scared of doing wrong, even going out of the house, but when you are next to me it's easier somehow. Like going to this party or even kissing you when people are around. It's magic."

Reaching out, he grabbed Hoseok's hand and pulled the pink-haired boy next to him, so that they were walking side by side.

"I don't know anything about this either, Hoseok. I only played with that toy because we tried it out and I liked it and in the end I just did what I thought would make you mine. I really enjoyed it and I was the one who begged you to do it a third time. You make it sound like you were the greedy one even though I'm the one who sat down on you."

“Thank you so much for leading me and being expressive with what you liked. It helped me so much and took away a lot of my worries.” The boy pointed at a house and he could see windows that shone in different colors, indicating that there was something going on. “It’s over there.”

_ Oh god. _

He held his breath to stay calm and already felt sorry for squeezing the blood out of Hoseok's fingers. Hyungwon couldn't even care about sex talk anymore, his brain only generated things that could go terribly wrong. Like somebody asking him why he was there, or whether he knew anybody at the party. Sure, he knew Hoseok, but Hoseok didn't know the organiser of the party, did he? 

The pink-haired boy with his yellow jacket that seemed even more colorful in the middle of the night ( and next to him with his dark clothes), didn’t seem to notice his struggles and walked up to the entrance tugging him along. Hoseok didn’t hesitate for a single second before pressing the bell and suddenly turned to him as the sounds of music and steps came from behind the door. “You know, I often get told that I live in some kind of weird dream and I think it is a little bit true. Just now, while we walked hand in hand I imagined that that’s what dating you might feel like and got happy.” The door opened and there was Jooheon, who immediately hugged Hoseok accompanied by the loud music coming from the inside.

Hyungwon froze in place, feeling utterly unwelcome and definitely not where he belonged. He didn't know how to act or what to say, so he just didn't say anything while panicking because Hoseok had just implicitly told him that they weren't dating because that was just a dream.

_ Shit, and you ride him to make him yours and all that bullshit. _

“I brought Hyungwon!” He heard his name and was pulled by strong arms. 

“Hi, Hyungwon. How are you? Do you want a drink? But come in first, I’m happy that I can see my best friend again, it's been a while. Thank you for coming along, he told me he wouldn’t have come without you.” The blonde man smiled, showing his dimples, but the smile didn’t look completely genuine, like he was unhappy about something but still decided to smile.

_ There it is, you keeping Hoseok caged away and unable to see anybody but you. _

The situation was his worst nightmare, masses of questions and he didn't even know where to start. How he felt? He couldn't be honest and tell his love's friend that he was freaking out because he couldn't communicate. That was the problem with not being able to communicate, he couldn't even get across that simple fact. Hoseok also wasn't holding onto his hand anymore, so Hyungwon was just a random person standing amidst a hallway filled with people and loud music.

_ You will be abandoned now, won't you? The way it always happened with your mom. _

“God, stop questioning him and don’t do that smile thing, I told you that I will stay over next weekend,” Hoseok whined and turned towards him. “Would you like something with or without alcohol?” the low voice whispered into his ear as the handsome boy pulled down his hood and leaned closer.

Hyungwon didn't know, he didn't know anything apart from the fact that he wanted to stay next to Hoseok no matter what happened. He grabbed the boy's forearm and held on, not saying a word.

“Could you get us a coke and something sweet with a little booze, Honey?” 

He observed his own shoes while Hoseok talked to Jooheon and something told him that his roommate’s friend must have been staring at him. There was a whisper that he couldn’t decipher and he felt Hoseok’s fingers stroking over his that sunk into his forearm, probably painful and uncomfortable. “Would you like me to search for somewhere less crowded?”

Hyungwon nodded almost immediately, hoping that it was going to give him a break and he would finally be able to calm himself and answer instead of being mute. He felt sorry for hurting Hoseok, but he couldn't help it.

The pink-haired man started walking, pulling him along, but of course it couldn’t have been that easy.

“Hey! Aren’t you the handsome boy from Starbucks? I could recognize your pink hair anywhere. So nice that you’re here too!” A guy started talking to Hoseok, swinging his cup weirdly and threatening to spill his shit over the new yellow jacket.

“Oh, hey. Yeah, I work there. You must get coffee often. See you around.” Hoseok stepped back and pulled him along.

“Oh god, I thought he was going to ruin your jacket,” the boy murmured into his ear and stopped in the corner with a small couch and only one couple who were making out on the chair across from it.

"It's your jacket," Hyungwon whispered and squeezed his eyes shut, thereby pretending that there was nobody, only really loud music and Hoseok. "Everybody knows you."

“Yeah, because of my hair. You heard. And nobody knows you because you are like a hidden gem, so so beautiful and precious that you don’t show yourself because I guess that you don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to get hurt either, but I somehow always do and still do all those things because it makes me feel alive, I guess.” Hoseok’s warmth disappeared and only returned when the muscular figure took off his jacket and placed it next to them on the couch. A strong pull made him sit down and he almost landed on Hoseok’s lap.

Hyungwon felt his face heat up and really hoped that nobody could see in the dimmed lights. Shifting, he made sure to sit next to the other boy and feel their thighs touch.

"I feel better when you're next to me. It's- it's better now, because before I thought you'd leave me behind and talk to people, like my mom always did at children's birthday parties."

_ Why would you talk about your childhood, Hyungwon? You sound like you didn't grow up. _

Maybe he didn't, still afraid of the same things.

“I do have to leave you for a minute though because I really need to pee. Will you wait for me?” Hoseok asked through the music and shifted on the couch.

"I- yes," he whispered because there was no way that he was going to go anywhere and because he couldn't force Hoseok to stay with him despite bodily needs. "Please come back."

“I will.” The warmth disappeared and he simply stared at the couple making out, the girl sitting on the other girl's lap and kissing her face intently. Suddenly, the couch gave out and he felt thighs touch his, however, it wasn’t Hoseok.

“I’m not sure whether you wanted the coke or the sweet booze. With Bunny it can be anything.” Jooheon lifted one of his mouth corners and held two cups in front of his face.

"I'm- I'm the-" Hyungwon tried, but failed to say coke, freaking out because the last time he tried to talk to Jooheon he hyperventilated and had a panic attack in front of a Starbucks.

“This is the pink gin with tonic, and that’s the coke,” Jooheon explained to him, leaning forward, eyes turning round and dimples visible, as he pronounced the words syllable after syllable a little more high-pitched than his tone of voice usually sounded. “Which one?”

_ He thinks you're stupid, doesn't he? That's why he’s talking like that. _

He couldn’t reply because he could see another person, a tall, muscular guy stop right in front of them and tap Jooheon’s shoulder.

_ Where is Hoseok? _

“Hey, you brought a new friend?” the guy asked and gestured towards him, smiling brightly, before Jooheon explained to him that he was ‘Hoseok’s roommate’ and put the cup with the gin into his hand, visibly tired of waiting for his reply.

_ Of course, he is because that's the way people normally react. You've been spoiled by Hoseok. _

“Wow. Hoseok has a very handsome roommate. What are you drinking?” The guy ignored the couple that was still kissing intently and took a chair, sitting down right in front of him, legs crossed and big eyes staring right at his face. 

Hyungwon couldn't bear looking back as his breaths sped up and he stared at the drink in his hands. There were way too many people and he knew none of them. He didn't know Jooheon either and the longer he sat among the two guys the closer to completely losing it he felt.

_ Drink it, you won't be able to bear it otherwise. _

Unable to say a single word, he simply lifted the pink Gin to his lips and drank all of it at once.

“Oh, wow, it must be good. Should I mix you another one?” the unfamiliar guy asked, but there was Jooheons voice before he could even swallow the last drops of the Gin.

“No. We were in the middle of a talk and we kinda need to finish it, so can you please leave?” The blonde man leaned forward and tilted his head, staring at their uninvited guest that he just told to fuck off. Nothing happened for a few moments, but Jooheon waited until the other man got up, cursing quietly. Turning towards him, he showed his dimples once and lifted the other cup. “So. You wanted the coke, didn’t you?”

_ He got rid of the other guy just for you, didn't he? He must think you're such a freak, unable to talk and just getting wasted instead. _

Hyungwon nodded, unable to do anything else as he felt the Gin coursing through his veins and making him a little sick from downing it so quickly. It would be typical for him to just pass out to avoid conversation. It wouldn't be the first party that ended prematurely. He had no idea how he managed to get to know Hoseok before.

_ Because of him, because he waited for you to answer and tugged you along with a smile. _

“I thought so. Want me to get you another one? I see your roommate is back. Don’t expect him to protect you from dudes though, he’ll be in love with you and set you up with someone else while smiling like an idiot, because he thinks there’s no way for you to like him.” Jooheon sighed and gave him the coke, getting up from the couch and pinching Hoseok right in the nipple for no reason at all, making the pink-haired boy wince in pain.

“Ah, Honey found you. That’s nice. There was this guy who wouldn’t stop talking and I’m not sure he understood what I was trying to tell him, but I somehow managed to escape and now I’m here.” The smile looked like a real sun, piercing reflecting some of the dimmed lights.

Hyungwon was so happy to see Hoseok that he simply downed his coke and threw the cup to the side before reaching out and wrapping his arms around Hoseok's waist. His grip was so strong, that he ended up pulling the shorter boy onto his lap, not letting go. He needed the touch, the closeness and the knowledge that Hoseok was really there and he wasn't alone. It felt like he couldn't let the boy leave, he would go mad if he did. 

Burying his face in the familiar scent, he took a few deep breaths, hoping to finally calm down and be able to act like a normal human.

_ You thought you needed him, but now you have the proof. You panic and just get piss drunk if you don't have him around. _

"I'm so sorry, I drank both drinks," he whispered but didn't lift his head from Hoseok's chest. 

_ As if he can hear you with that music. _

“That’s fine,” the low voice whispered into his ear as Hoseok’s muscular arms wrapped around his neck and the round, peach-shaped butt settled on his lap naturally. “Did you miss me?”

Hyungwon nodded several times, just to make sure Hoseok felt it because missing the pink-haired boy had been his only concern the past minutes that he was left alone. He didn't hate Jooheon and he didn't hate the other guy that randomly came to talk to him, he just couldn't help the way he reacted, the way his brain froze and he couldn't say anything. It would have been better if Hyungwon had met Jooheon away from other people with Hoseok, calmly where he had time to think about what to say and Hoseok could help.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't talk to Jooheon. I know you care about him," he mumbled and enjoyed the embrace, feeling at ease for as long as there was only Hoseok in his sight.

“I don’t think he was mad about it. He is really nice actually. One just has to get closer to see. Like with you. I saw that you were popular, so I didn’t want to interfere.” Hoseok leaned back and reached for his face, stroking along his cheek. “Are you okay with me sitting on your lap and everything?”

Hyungwon nodded again and only wrapped his arms tighter around Hoseok's waist.

"That way everyone knows you're mine and won't take you away," he whispered and couldn't believe that Hoseok considered him freaking out equivalent to being popular. "That guy scared me because I didn't know what to say, so I just downed your Gin."

“I think he was interested in you because I saw him look at you when I went to the bathroom. He is handsome and has big eyes, like you and nice clothes and a pretty smile. Nobody wants to take me away, Hyungwon. I think you would know if you weren’t scared.” The boy sighed and brushed a strand of hair behind his ear affectionately.

_ It's just like his friend said. He's trying to set you up with someone else. _

"Do you want to get rid of me?" he asked and only tightened his grip, realizing how tiny Hoseok's waist was compared to the muscular rest. "It won't work, I only want you and I don't care about that guy. You're the only one who waits when I can't speak and gives me time."

“But you said that you get nervous. I think others get nervous too if somebody doesn’t reply, so they tend to fill the time with talking. When you walked away from me and hid in your room, I also felt nervous and had to do something, so I just went there and lay next to you. I’m not different, but I’m happy that you want me. As if I want to get rid of you, you fool. This is like a mirrored reality. It’s usually the other way around, Hyungwon.” Hoseok glanced to the side, at the dude who had talked to Hyungwon before and quickly turned around after he saw that the pink-haired man looked at him.

_ He did say that he's handsome. You're so dumb, thinking it's about you. _

"Do you like him? Is that why you talked about him?" he asked and finally lifted his head, feeling the desire to tighten his grip and make sure Hoseok couldn't go anywhere. It wasn't right, but he couldn't help feeling that way. "God, I thought you wanted to set me up, but you just think he's pretty. Fuck." 

He received a head shake instead of a reply and lost the warmth of Hoseok’s body on top of him. “Do you believe me?” Hoseok asked glancing down at him.

Hyungwon nodded and felt how his anxiety slowly returned, simply because Hoseok stepped away. He must have made a mistake again, upset the other boy and now he was going to be left alone and it was his fault and nobody else's. It was always his fault for not knowing how to talk.

“Then why do you think I looked at him?” Hoseok didn’t move, standing in the same spot and staring at him.

_ You must have misunderstood. What if it's exactly the opposite, Hyungwon? _

"Are you- are you jealous?" he asked and swallowed, simply because it didn't seem like something that Hoseok was able to feel. He was the possessive one, not the incarnation of sunshine in front of him. 

“I’m not sure. I knew that he found you interesting and he kept looking at me as if I was in a place I shouldn’t be or had something I shouldn’t have, so I felt bad, but how can I be jealous if the only reason you’re next to me is because I’m the only one who is close? I didn’t do anything special, you know? So I feel as if he has a point. He didn’t even have a chance to get to know you, so how can I just…” Hoseok exhaled and covered his face with both palms for a few seconds, hiding his facial expressions from him.

"Come here," Hyungwon mumbled and pulled Hoseok back on his lap, feeling incomplete without the pink-haired boy close to him. "It's not true, Hoseok. It's not true because you're not just next to me. You're the person I'm in love with, not just anybody. You make it sound like I want you because you happen to be there, but that's bullshit. I've kissed other people before and I've made out, but nobody stayed the way you did. He had his chance and I didn't want him anywhere near me. Thankfully, Jooheon took care of that for me. I don't have to give everybody a chance and neither do you have to give everybody a chance with me. I'm your fucking boyfriend, Hoseok. Act like it."

Hoseok simply stared, eyes wide like two big black buttons and curved lips parted.

_ You idiot, you fucking idiot. He told you that dating you was only an image, not something that is happening between the two of you. _

The handsome man lifted his index finger and pointed at his face. “You mean me? I am your boyfriend?”

"Unless you don't want to be," Hyungwon mumbled, pussying out suddenly.

“Okay, but whatever I imagined what starting a relationship would be like, ‘I’m your fucking boyfriend, Hoseok, act like it’ definitely wasn’t anywhere close. But at the same time, it’s so you and I can’t believe this,” the low voice whispered before a beautiful smile materialized on the boy’s stunning features. “I want to be. I want to be your boyfriend so badly.”

"Thank god," Hyungwon breathed out and for a few moments he didn't know what else to say. It felt like confessing all over again, but in the middle of a party and there was just so much wrong with that, that he had to make sure to only stare at Hoseok's gorgeous face and nowhere else. "I… I kinda thought that we were dating after the thing on the swing."

_ But apparently you were too dumb to figure out that confessing mutual feelings doesn't automatically mean that you scored a boyfriend. _

“But feelings and relationships are different. Otherwise people in relationships who love other people wouldn’t exist, but they do. I love you, I do, and you said you loved me, but I don’t know about tomorrow. You can say that you’re not in love anymore and that’s just how it is. In a relationship that can happen too, just that it’s more committing I guess? You have to talk about it more and about each other's feelings and how you are going to arrange the dating thing and also what the partners expect and all those things, because there can be expectations the other person doesn’t know about and it can lead to conflicts and negative feelings.” Hoseok glanced at him and bit down on his pierced bottom lip. “I learned it in a seminar.”

"Wow." Hyungwon simply stared, before realising that Hoseok had the tendency to make him rethink the simplest definitions he thought he had settled for life. "Can we please just be in a relationship? I really want to commit and work on this and love you lots. We can do all those things if you consider them important. I'm just a little scared about the love other people bit."

_ You're so desperate but so possessive at the same time. How the hell is somebody like Hoseok going to deal with you? _

“If I was a fruit. What kind of fruit would I be?” The pink-haired boy completely ignored his previous monologue, leaned in and winked at him playfully.

"W-what?" Hyungwon stuttered, a little overwhelmed by the question, especially since he didn't have an answer ready. A fruit? What kind of fruit would Hoseok be? He had no fucking clue. "A gorgeous and delicious one. My fruit."

“A soft one or a hard one?” Hoseok asked again.

"A soft one?" Hyungwon tried, still no idea where the hell this was going. Hoseok was very vulnerable sometimes, but at the same time, the pink-haired boy was able to push through so easily. "On the inside."

Hoseok took his hand and leaned to the side, placing his cheek right into the curve of his palm. “Does it feel soft?” he asked quietly but audible because they were so close.

Hyungwon nodded, not daring to speak because he feared to say something else that would only ruin everything and result in a misunderstanding again.

“It is. If you like this soft fruit and really wanted to keep it, how would you do it? Would you grab it tightly and squeeze it in your hand? To be sure that nobody can take it from you?” Hoseok whispered, warm air hitting his thumb as the boy’s soft cheek still rested against his palm, round black eyes not leaving his face.

"But I'll break it if I squeeze it," he whispered, suddenly realizing where this was going. "I don't want to hurt it."

"Mhm. It won't make the fruit more tasty and you won't be able to enjoy it or keep it for yourself. The only way to keep its form and taste is to let it hang on the tree. However, I'm of course not a fruit because I have thoughts and feelings and I love you, but it's similar in a way. I don't think I will be able to hold you by force even if I want to have you for myself. I can only admire and love you while coming very close to you, but without trying to give in under the pressure of my anxiety and hurt you with my grip. Remember when I told you about hugging? As tight as possible, but light like a cloud? The way you hugged my waist when I asked to kiss you at that party, under the tree. I really liked how it felt." Lifting his head, Hoseok smiled and placed a kiss on his palm. 

_ That was when you weren't afraid to lose him yet. You simply went from one fear to the next, Hyungwon. _

"I'm sorry for always being so afraid," he whispered and loosened his grip, carefully stroking over Hoseok's side with his free hand while his other caressed the boy's soft cheek. It was so difficult to not hold on desperately. Hyungwon should have been reassured, he had a confession, even a desire to commit. "I love you, Hoseok, so much."

_ You're always so damn afraid of breaking everything, but your grip might be what breaks it in the first place. _

"I'm so sorry that you're afraid. It must be terrible," the already familiar low voice whispered. "I thought I might take some of your fear, but I don't think that I can. I'm so sorry." Hoseok looked on the verge of tears as he looked him in the eyes, fingers trembling against his cheek. 

Hyungwon shook his head and pulled Hoseok a little closer without applying too much pressure. The pink-haired boy didn't know how it had been before, how terrible living had been.

"You've done so much, Hoseok. You can't even imagine how much you’ve done. When you are next to me I can go to all these places. Everything is fine when I can make sure to look at your face. I just- because you make me so happy, I'm terrified of you leaving. I'm so scared that I keep holding on to you and trying to make you mine." He inhaled sharply to fight his emotions and closed his eyes, scared that if he left them open he'd end up crying. "I'm sorry for holding on to you too tightly. Please only be with me because you want to. I don't want to force you."

_ You say it, but you are still scared that he might choose to leave. _

"I don't think anybody can be forced. Not really. I'm with you because I've never felt like this before. I don't care why it is like that or what exactly it is that makes me love you and think about you all the time, makes me want to finish work earlier, even though I know that I have to work and you already let me live with you for free, ah… I don't even know what I'm talking about. But I still think that you're a gem, Hyungwon. One that I was lucky enough to see first." A brief smile, white teeth playing with the thick bottom lip before he felt the warmth against his mouth, pulling him in accompanied by the gentle embrace of the muscular arms that were wrapped around his neck so tenderly.

Hyungwon tilted his head and deepened the contact, familiar with the sensation of kissing those lips and with the warmth that travelled through his whole body. Maybe that was what Hoseok meant by magic, by the feeling that for a brief moment everything was fine and nothing else mattered.

"And I was lucky enough to be the first one to remove that peel of yours covered in lies," he breathed out against Hoseok's curved mouth before sinking his long fingers into the pink strands and feeling unwilling to break the kiss, to end it just like that. It was magic after all.

There were a few moments when Hyungwon couldn't imagine being scared and kissing Hoseok has always been one of them. Since the first day their lips met under that tree.

  


***

Was it really that easy? Did one only need to find the 'right' person that accepted you and loved you and suddenly the years of disregard, abuse and emotional neglect dissipated into nothing, leaving only the nice memories, the warm touch of lips, the new phone and a yellow jacket? 

_ The solution to everything. _

He chuckled as he watched Jooheon sit down next to the handsome black-haired boy that suddenly became his boyfriend and wondered how easy it had been. It was only a few words from the boy's lips and suddenly there was a relationship.

_ You know that this can't be, right? _

He did and only waited for a glitch in the matrix. Maybe it was because he drank a bit while watching the tall man be interested in Hyungwon, throwing him glances and finally talking to him. He saw the look, the lack of understanding, the 'look at yourself' and 'why the fuck would he even touch you' face.

_ He had a point. _

Hyungwon didn't have any experience, but Hoseok had it all. Especially on the negative side, so he felt guilty. Guilty of taking away Hyungwon's opportunity to meet someone with a proper childhood, nice parents and a full member of society that he didn't have to lie about at his parents' house and didn't need to go to a shopping mall to buy clothes for because he looked as if he couldn't take care of himself.

_ You're like this continuous misery that distracts him from his own. _

Maybe it was his strength. Maybe being a miserable mess was what gave him the chance to stay close to Hyungwon, to love him and even to be his boyfriend.

_ You're so fucking lucky. Enjoy it as long as it lasts. _

Hyungwon said he was the possessive one, but Hoseok wasn't any better. He was desperately trying to find the one tiny thing that made him valuable to the black-haired prince in addition to making sure to not fuck it up and be able to stay for a little longer. He had one psychology course this semester and was pretty sure that he had some crazy-ass attachment issues, holding onto everything and everyone like a leech.

"I just drank a cup of pure Gin and feel like a sad leech," he murmured, finally deciding he couldn't stand around any longer because that one brown-haired girl at the stairs kept winking at him even though his whole aura screamed gay in all languages of the planet earth. "I'm sorry for disturbing you."

"Fuck you. You're not a leech, I love you, but also fuck you for saying that." Jooheon figured that he had to move to give him some space to sit, but instead of letting him sit next to Hyungwon, his so-called best friend simply pushed the slim figure against the side with his thighs and patted the spot next to him.

"Why would you do that?" Hoseok exclaimed, genuinely wondering whether Hyungwon was okay. 

"Because you'll start making out and then I won't be able to say anything for half an hour, like just now, so I need to separate you. Give each other some space, you're hanging around every day, aren't you sick and tired?" Jooheon asked, turning towards Hyungwon and patting his thigh. 

The black-haired boy merely shook his head, eyes wider than usual. Luckily, he didn't look like he was about to feel bad, so Hoseok relaxed a little. Hyungwon's eyes briefly moved to the hand on his thigh, but his roommate didn't comment on that either.

"Whether I'm tired of having someone around who takes care of me and is nice to me 24/7? No? I'm happy? I forgot to tell you, we're dating." Hoseok smiled, unable to hide his enthusiasm and silently hoping that it wasn't a misunderstanding and Hyungwon would suddenly start talking about how it was bullshit and they were friends. 

"Oh god, really? But you were all whipped like two months ago. I guess I can say goodbye to my best friend because he left me for a prince. You know that he calls you prince, right? The first time he saw you, he was bothering that girl to give him expensive alcohol because he needed to mix a drink for the 'Prince' and was all 'Just look at him, Jooheon'." Honey turned and smiled cutely, visibly satisfied with his own interpretation of what had happened.

Hyungwon glanced at his fingers that he was fumbling with and Hoseok saw the hint of a smile on his lips. It was the first time the black-haired boy showed something even remotely close to happiness at the party, so for a brief moment Hoseok thought he made it up.

"I-" Hyungwon started and kept staring at his hands before he took a few deep breaths and glanced up, mostly looking at Hoseok though. "I wanted to ask if you would like-" Biting down on his bottom lip, the slim boy pulled at his fingers a little before trying again. "Would like to visit. After all, I'm not the only person living there. It's Hoseok's home too and he should be able to… to invite his friend if he wants to."

"Oh! That sounds cool. Hoseok and I are the best cooks in town, did you know? We can cook together. You have a kitchen, right? I make the best shrimp and Hoseok makes the best _ al dente _ noodles, so we're the perfect match. You can come to my place if you like. I can tattoo a huge badass dragon on your back, as Hoseok doesn't want to." Honey was looking excited and stared at Hyungwon for feedback. It felt nice that he tried to be more patient after Hoseok had a quick talk with him.

"Oh god, my parents would kill me. They are doctors and tattoo ink gets into lymph tissue, so you can't really tell if it's cancerous or not, so they think it would keep me from getting treated early. I mean- they wouldn't forbid it or anything, but they'd think I'll die of cancer." Hyungwon sighed and brushed through his long hair, still not quite looking at Jooheon. "Hoseok should have wings on his back or sun rays. A- also, I can't cook for shit, but… I really like shrimp."

"He asked me for a chicken on his back once, but I cursed at him. I like the sun idea. Wings make me sad because I keep thinking that he'll fly away or die and go back to his angel home or something. I'm in for a sun." His best friend smiled at him and he beamed back because it was moments like this that he felt it so clearly, how much Jooheon knew and cared about him. "You don't need to cook. I just need a pan, olive oil and shrimp. And I think your parents and my parents would get along well. My mother is a doc."

Hyungwon nodded in all seriousness when Jooheon talked about Hoseok flying away and kept throwing him glances, as if he needed reassurance to continue talking, to be sure that everything was going well.

"My mom… I'm glad that she likes Hoseok, enough to call me and ask if he eats enough. I think she's really thankful because Hoseok told them how much he likes me and how thankful he is that I have a family. I think that-" Hyungwon looked at him again. "That really got to her."

_ Now his mom also pities you, but at least she won't try to make you leave. _

"Yeah. I'm envious because my mom is very stubborn and thinks that I'm tattooing because of Hoseok, even though it's bullshit. Thank you- for letting him stay with you, that was really cool of you. I should have taken responsibility as a friend, but I couldn't and I still feel guilty about it," Jooheon murmured and he felt how it got too much for him. The whole talk about his situation was too much, how he was a responsibility for others, his best friend who was usually way too proud to say anything in that direction suddenly thanking his boyfriend. 

_ You're a charity case which is sad but true nevertheless. _

He smiled forcefully and got up, walking towards the door to the garden. It was cold and his yellow jacket still lay on the couch, but like this, he was at least himself in a way. People misunderstood him for not taking care of himself, but at least he had never deluded himself.

The freezing cold was very effective in infiltrating and settling under the fabric of his shirt and jeans, seeping through his shoes and making him shiver. On the bright side there was the moon, all alone, like Hyungwon described it to him. That he felt alone and that nobody cared, that he was scared and unable to move. Still the moon moved slowly, steadily, maybe not noticeably, but still enough to track the progress, if one was patient enough. 

Hoseok loved the moon just like he loved Hyungwon. Because it had always been there even when nobody else was.

"Is it… okay if I join you?" he heard behind him before a thick jacket was placed over his shoulders, already heated from being inside the warm house.

_ There he is. Coming to save you. _

Hoseok closed his eyes for a few moments to collect his wits and to not throw the jacket off his shoulders in a stupid childish gesture, before nodding. 

"It's cold though," he whispered.

"I know," Hyungwon replied and stepped next to him, wrapped in his own coat that he pulled a little tighter. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable before. We talked about you as if you weren't there. I didn't mean to do that. I just- I thought you would be happy that my mom likes you. I didn't want to tell Jooheon, but she's happy that I'm going out and- she's thankful for all the things you do for me."

"I'm not doing anything, but I'm still happy that she feels like that because it means that I can stay with you for a little longer. I'm sorry for overreacting a lot today, I don't know why I'm like this suddenly." He sighed, moving behind Hyungwon and hugging him tightly. 

"Something must be on your mind that bothers you," the black-haired boy replied and stroked over his arms that circled his waist. "Would you like to share it with me? Maybe there is something we can change to make you feel better. That's what you said is important in relationships, right?" 

“I feel as if the universe is laughing at me. I mean, I’m kind of funny, I am, but I mean that it’s laughing in a mean way. After all these years, when I got used to the way my life is, there is suddenly you, who is everything I am not and who gives me everything I don’t have. And then… I guess I expect things to change, myself to change, but I still stay the same, unable to move on and still staying the Ritalin kid that got thrown out because my parents were bothered by the fact that I love boys. In the end, I’m not even sure that it was about boys. I think they couldn’t believe that I could receive love at all, they were so shocked that I even talked about sexuality. What I mean is, I’m usually okay because I try to concentrate on what I have and what I am, but lately I keep returning to everything I’m not. Does that make sense?” Hoseok looked at the moon and how beautiful the grey-white light was. He was in awe at how gorgeous Hyungwon looked when he observed the boy’s soft profile. Why did he have to make things complicated? He should have been happy.

_ But you are happy, aren’t you? It’s just that you are expecting it to end at any moment. _

"I think I understand," Hyungwon muttered and stroked over his palm with his thumb. "I also kept thinking that if I end up being with somebody, everything will be magical and I'll forget about my issues and the fact that I still can't talk to people. I mean- it does feel magical and I can do so much more, but it's not really me doing it. It's you doing it for me. I just keep wondering whether it needs to change. Do you want yourself to change? It's not something I would ever want from you. It's up to you whether you want it to change or not. In my case… I really want it to change, but I don't know-how. I want to go out with you and tell everybody how beautiful my boyfriend is and that I'm fucking lucky instead of freaking out and staying silent."

“I’m really sorry. I guess, I just need to get used to the fact that it’s not something that I dreamt and that it’s really happening and deal with the fact that I have no idea how to give you everything, as I’ve never experienced what it's like to receive. Will I do a good job? What is it that you need? I don’t know. And I can’t even take care of you properly because I have to work all the time. I just now started to realize that I’m not the best choice for a boyfriend, am I?” Hoseok walked around the black-haired boy and cupped his face. “But I don’t care, because I’m greedy.”

"I also have to study. Both of us have stuff to do but in the evening we can get together and cuddle," Hyungwon muttered and smiled. "Did you see that biochemistry book? I could kill somebody with that."

"You'll be an amazing doc, I swear. And I guess the fact that my family is fucked up is okay because you don't have to deal with them. Should we… go home?" he asked carefully, hands shivering from the cold against the boy's warm cheeks.

"I'd love to, but maybe we should say goodbye to Jooheon. It's polite," the black-haired boy replied and tried to cover him with his slim body, rubbing over his arms furiously. "I wish I was at least half as good at giving lectures as you are, then I'd go to your parents and tell them about responsibility and ruining other people's lives. Especially that people go to jail for that shit." Hyungwon's face was a little funny, lips pursed like he was very dissatisfied with something, but that made them spread wide and slightly resemble a frog. A frog prince.

"You look like a frog. It's so cute," he whispered and chuckled, kissing the boy's lips that disappeared for a second, just as he touched them. "I'll text him. It'll be fine." Hoseok took the boy's fingers into his palm and pulled Hyungwon behind him, past the crowds of people that he didn't really care about but that the black-haired boy was afraid of.

"Can you at least put your arms into the sleeves? I don't want you to get a cold," the low voice pointed out behind him and gestured towards the yellow jacket that was still only resting on his shoulders. "That's not how you stay warm, Hoseok. You have to wrap yourself and preferably also cover your head with the hood to make sure the cold doesn't get anywhere close to you. I wish I was broad, then I could hug you and keep you warm."

"That's very nice of you. But let me show you my skills first." As soon as they left the house, he took off the yellow jacket, pushing it into Hyungwon's arms before cracking his joints and jumping on the spot for a few seconds to warm up. There was no snow, so he was sure that it would be okay. Taking a few fast steps he leaned forward and propped against the ice-cold pavement with both palms, lifting his legs in the air and walking a bit on his hands while laughing like an idiot. It was so much fun, especially watching Hyungwon's face. 

"Holy shit, how are you still alive?" Hyungwon exclaimed and walked next to him, eyes wide. "Don't you get dizzy? Your hands must be so dirty now. And how do you manage not to get ill? Your immune system must be impressive. Teach me your ways, master. I get a cold from standing in the wind for too long."

"My mom called me a cockroach because no matter what, I'm still living and breathing. Cool right?" Hoseok stabilized himself and did one push up before jumping back to his feet. "I think my face might be the color of my hair, but I like pink, so I'm happy." Grinning, he took back the jacket and closed it on his chest. It was cozy and warm, just like Hyungwon said. "I did get ill quite a bit when I slept outside or from waiting on the swing when it rained or snowed, but at some point I guess there were no viruses left that I didn't have." He chuckled and leaned closer, kissing the tip of the boy's round nose. "You're not cold though."

"No," Hyungwon whispered, blushing a little bit. "But I get ill from viruses coming my way mostly. Cold only weakens your immune system, it's not like it's actually the illness. You are very fit and have good circulation, that improves your condition. My dad kept telling me to work out and bulk up. Well, I do work out, but it just doesn't do anything for my body except for making it lean. I guess I'm not made to be Hulk. This might be too much information again, but- that's also one of the reasons I kept thinking about having to be manly. I didn't manage on a lot of other aspects, so I keep feeling like a disappointment."

"But you are so beautiful. So so so so beautiful. Not to be me, but you in that lace underwear at the pool, like, I don't think I've ever seen a being as gorgeous and ethereal as you. That's why I keep thinking that something isn't right about it. That something will happen eventually and you will tell me that I'm ridiculous for wanting you and leave. I had a crush on a boy in the hospital back then and I really liked him but he told me to give up because someone who isn't loved can't give any love to anybody. That was really sad." Hoseok hated that he couldn't come up with any nice or funny examples, but his life and memories didn't have any to spare.

"Holy shit, that's such a fucked-up thing to say. You have more love to give than anybody I know!" Hyungwon brushed through his long hair and pulled the collar of his coat a little higher. "I'll never tell you that you loving me is ridiculous. That's literally what's giving me life, Hoseok. The only exception is if you're into role-playing or something and you want me to act. I doubt that's a kink of yours though." Again there was blush on the boy's face as he glanced to the side and walked a little faster with his ridiculously long legs. "All those people kept telling you lies just to make you feel bad. It makes me angry. You should become a professor of sociology and teach people common sense. Seriously."

"Do you know a professor who has pink hair?" he asked quietly, keeping up with Hyungwon's pace by making extra big steps. 

"No, but the person leading the anatomy hands-on course had bright green hair. She kept joking that it's cooler when you work with corpses." Shrugging, Hyungwon grinned suddenly and turned to look at him. "You can be the first one with pink hair. I bet the students will love you. You're really good at expressing your thoughts and pointing out inequalities. Who the hell would be better than you, Hoseok? You could give hope to many people that study just like you! It's amazing to be given a voice. I- I know that better than anyone."

"C-corpses? Oh my god. Why would she work with corpses? Ew." He shook his head and decided not to comment on being a professor. He was happy if he had enough money to pay the next tuition, what professor. 

"Ehm, we cut open corpses. To see what it looks like inside and learn anatomy, you know? Some people always faint, but I don't mind. I study by drawing your arteries and stuff." A few seconds passed until Hyungwon quickly waved his hands around. "I'm not weird, I swear. Medical students need to learn that stuff!"

"I was wondering because last time you nibbled on my jugular before falling asleep and murmured stuff that sounded like Latin. But now I know. You are such a cool person, Hyungwon. I love you." 

Hyungwon blushed again and kicked a random stone on the ground, watching it fly into somebody's front garden.

"I'm embarrassed for nibbling on your jugular like a fucking vampire," the black-haired boy mumbled and pushed both his hands into his pockets. "But I love you too."

Hoseok ran ahead and turned to walk backward, leaning in and smiling right into Hyungwon's handsome face, deciding to speak up about his thoughts.

"You know, I thought about this manly-man thing you keep worrying about. Wouldn't it be super sad if people tried to satisfy some random expectations of parents and heterosexist society, adjusting their behaviour and act instead of being themselves? Then we will have an army of testosterone dick heads and women who have to be sexy, young, have kids, but also be humble and wear a full-body suit to not attract too much attention from the said testosterone dick heads while there are those who don't fit standing at the sides and watching the whole thing. Isn't it terrible?"

The black-haired boy stared at him for a few moments before nodding, realization dawning upon his face. Hoseok felt kind of proud for bringing about that effect.

"It kinda is," Hyungwon whispered and played with his long fingers.

"I think you could be so much more if you were yourself," he whispered back and stopped, letting Hyungwon run against his chest and wrapping himself around the slim body. "I think you are more, so much more."

"I love that you are always yourself, no matter what other people say." Hyungwon leaned down and kissed him, in the middle of the street. Sure, it was dark, but it still seemed meaningful with the way the black-haired boy grabbed his face and tilted his head, deepening the kiss. "I wish I could be like you, Hoseok."

"It would be terrible because then you wouldn't be yourself. I'm glad that you are you and I am me, even though I can't help the feeling that no matter how I am, I'm like that Lego piece that doesn't fit because the bumps don't match." Hoseok kissed back and pulled the boy behind him, already seeing the apartment building. "But you adopted me, so I'm not alone anymore."

Hyungwon shook his head and took over, pulling him along and up the stairs, hurrying to get home as usual as soon as home was in sight.

"I think we're both strange Lego bricks, but somehow we end up fitting together because we were made just the right way for each other." Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon quickly unlocked the door and slipped inside. "You can slap me for being cheesy once we are inside. I kinda want to lie down."

"You're not cheesy, mister!" Hoseok exclaimed, feeling called out because he was definitely the cheesy one. "Are you tired? Was it hard?" he asked right after taking off his shoes and looking at Hyungwon closer. He looked exhausted. 

"Yeah, a little. Jumping around when I’m anxious tends to make me exhausted and then I just pass out. I'm also still a little sore, so I'd like to reduce the moving for the rest of the night." The black-haired boy slipped out of his shoes, placed his bag on the floor and carefully hung up his coat before simply making his way to the bedroom and throwing himself on the bed.

_ Now is a crucial moment, Hoseok. All those things people learn in a constructive social environment should be used right now, but you don't have them. You need to act like you do. _

Thinking furiously, he remembered that Hyungwon drank tea once in a while, so he hurried to the kitchen and turned on the kettle, waiting for the water to boil and preparing a sandwich with honey and butter because if he was right, the black-haired boy had his last meal hours ago.

_ What else? _

After the teapot was ready, he stacked the plate and the pot on a small tray and carried it to the bedroom carefully. Hyungwon was lying on his bed fully clothed and had his hands arranged loosely above his head. He looked gorgeous, eyes closed and breathing softly. First, Hoseok thought he was asleep, but the boy opened his eyes once he came in and sat up a little, shock obvious.

"Oh my god, is that for me?" Hyungwon muttered and unbuttoned a few more buttons of his shirt.

"Yes. It's chamomile tea because it makes you feel warm and cozy and a honey sandwich because you're sweet. Would you like me to do anything else? Undress you? I can undress you, you don't have to do anything!" He placed the tray on the bedside table and crawled on top of the bed, pushing Hyungwon back into the mattress and taking care of the buttons on his shirt.

"Holy shit, that's really nice of you, Hoseok, crazy nice, but-" The other boy looked a little overwhelmed with his black hair covering the soft pillow and eyes big as Hoseok unbuttoned his shirt. "You can also just... lie down next to me and embrace me. You don't need to do anything unless you really want to. We can just lie in bed for a bit and I can ask you that question I always wanted to ask you?."

Hoseok looked at him, not understanding what he meant, but slowly registering that undressing wasn't the point.

"Oh, okay, I'm sorry, I'm just unsure what I can do to make you feel better. Do you want to lie in bed with me? Dressed?" he asked, to make sure he didn't make a mistake. 

Hyungwon chuckled and sat up to finish unbuttoning his shirt before throwing it next to the bed.

"It can be in any state as long as it's you," the low voice remarked before Hyungwon let himself fall to the sheets again and stroked along his sides, tickling him a little. "You're really lovely. I just want to hug you because it makes me feel better and I'm sure it'll be just perfect, no matter if you're dressed or not. But I'd prefer to be undressed because those pants are making sure there is nothing left to imagination."

_ Hugging naked. You can do that, Hoseok. _

He nodded seriously and made quick work of Hyungwon's clothes before undressing himself completely and wrapping his arms around Hyungwon's waist carefully, head placed on the boy's bony shoulder. "Like this?"

"Holy shit," Hyungwon hissed but pressed himself closer against his body. The black-haired boy trembled a little when he pushed his behind flush against Hoseok's groin, but didn't comment on it. "I mean- this is fucking amazing, but are you comfortable? Imagine we are lying on the grass somewhere without having a single worry. That's the mood I'm going for. You have to roll around on the bed for the hell of it."

_ You're too much. _

"Ah, sure." Hoseok let go and rolled to the side, spreading his arms wide. He had no idea how to care for another person. A clown.

_ Act like it. _

"Did you know that grass stalks can prick your balls if you're just lying around naked on the grass? Like tiny little needles. I mean, you don't shave, so I guess it's not as bad, but with smooth balls, it's kinda mean."

"I have to admit that I… never lay on the grass naked," Hyungwon muttered before sitting up suddenly and staring at him with his lips sucked into his mouth. "It's because I reacted, isn't it? That's why you stopped hugging me. I can't help it, it just- feels good. I must sound like a hypocrite, saying I'm sore but reacting to the touch of your dick."

_ Wait, what? _

"What? But Hyungwon, you said that I should roll on the bed for the hell of it, so I thought I was too much for you and rolled away. Why would I stop hugging you if it's the only thing I want? And kiss you. I want to kiss you too." He sat up too, crossing his legs. They must have looked funny from the outside, sitting on the sheets naked and staring at each other. A tattooed pink-haired bunny, and a prince made of gold. 

"No, I just meant that you should relax more while hugging me as if we're chilling on the grass together. Without the painful ball poking, I guess." Observing him for a few moments, Hyungwon pushed him into the mattress. "I got this."

Resting his head on Hoseok's shoulder, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around Hoseok's hips and threw one long leg over his thighs. The boy's breaths were hot and tickled his neck. "Sorry about my dick, that's a bit awkward I guess."

Hoseok liked it so much that he shuddered from the sudden warmth and care that surrounded him. 

"It's not. Actually, I really like your dick. It's long, straight, super pretty and has a cute mole at the base. It makes me want to kiss it."

"If I could suck my own dick, I could make the two moles meet, haha," Hyungwon commented before groaning and rubbing his lips over Hoseok's shoulder. "If you kiss it, I'll get hard."

"You can get hard without me touching you. I think, if I tell you about it, you'll get hard too." Hoseok grinned and felt challenged. Leaning closer to the boy's ear, he licked his lips and exhaled against the curled shell. "I would wrap my fingers around you and lift it, blowing some air, first cool then hot, before I lean in and let my wet lips touch it briefly. It's not enough, so I would stroke you once and kiss it again, tasting it with my tongue." Smiling in triumph, Hoseok leaned back. "How was it?"

"Fuck you," Hyungwon hissed, but it sounded more embarrassed than angry. There was no need to check because he could already feel the firmness against the bottom of his thigh. The tall boy shifted a little and gasped softly in response. "Of course I can't help it when you whisper stuff like that in my ear! Now you only need to remind me of how you feel inside of me. I- I actually wanted to tell you a secret and ruin the mood."

"Now, that you're already hard I might as well just kiss it, right? Or would you like to tell me the secret now?" Hoseok carefully stroked over Hyungwon's shoulder to his side and over the curve of his hips, enjoying the smooth sensation. 

"Listen, you can't get me hard, tell me you want to kiss my dick and then genuinely expect me to prefer telling you an embarrassing childhood story." Again Hyungwon shifted and Hoseok could feel how the boy's foreskin slipped closer towards the base against his thigh. "Fuck."

"Fine, then let me kiss you." Hoseok got excited, crawling down and settling between Hyungwon's long legs. He really liked that position because it was obvious what kind of reaction his actions had. He did it just the way he said it, lifting the boy's penis from his body and blowing air against the cute mole on his base before kissing it briefly, followed by a lazy stroke and a longer kiss with use of tongue. Hyungwon was so attractive, Hoseok just wanted the black-haired boy to fuck his mouth if that made him feel manly and carefree.

"Shit, Hoseok," Hyungwon hissed and threw his head back that had been lifted to observe him at first. The black-haired boy silenced a moan by holding his breath and was unable to decide whether he wanted to keep his legs closed or spread even wider. "Please."

"I have a great idea that you should definitely try out. How about I lay here and you come up and fuck my mouth?" Hoseok asked, pointing at the white sheets while teasing the boy's leaking tip and humming softly.

"Oh my god, last time I lost it," Hyungwon muttered and gasped for more air, visibly affected by both the sight and the words. "Will you… play with me a little at the same time? I know I said what I said, but- fuck."

_ Didn't he say that he was sore? _

"I will do every freaking thing, Hyungwon. Will you be okay with playing? Do you want my fingers or the plug?" He let go and threw himself on the sheets, pulling the pillow up to get into a comfortable position.

"Fingers," Hyungwon gasped before opening Hoseok's drawer, throwing the lube on the sheets as if it was already a habit to take it out. Crawling along his body, the black-haired boy stopped when he was almost sitting on his chest and had his dick right in front of Hoseok's face. "Is this okay?" 

"Oh fuck yes, this is exactly what I wanted." He licked his lips and licked over Hyungwon's tip because he couldn't resist and squeezed some lube on his fingers, warming it up and feeling his dick twitch at the whole prospect.

"Shit, what if jerking off won't do the job anymore?" Hyungwon mumbled, sounding desperate as his thighs flexed from the stimulation and he jerked his hips forward. It wasn't enough to be uncomfortable, but sufficient to pull a gorgeous moan from the boy's lips.

"Then I'll play with you as much and as often as you like," he muttered, flattening his tongue and opening his mouth, gaze focused on the boy's face. He reached behind Hyungwon's hips and started with careful circles, spreading the lube and relaxing the tight ring of muscles.

"God, please," Hyungwon moaned and visibly struggled to hold himself back, starting with slow thrusts into Hoseok's mouth, but jittering forward once in a while. It was hot, especially the way the boy's thighs flexed and his ass got those really nice muscle lines that Hoseok could press his palms against if he wanted to.

Waiting for an especially nice moan, Hoseok pushed both fingers in as Hyungwon had taken him before and he decided that it should be okay. A few moments passed until he found what he was searching for, which wasn't as easy considering he was getting his brains fucked and had to coordinate the movements of his wrist while thinking about human anatomy. Happy when he finally felt the spot, he started rubbing it mercilessly because that's what it was there for.

"Fuck, Hoseok, fuck-" Hyungwon moaned so loudly that it resembled a scream, one palm slapping against the wall as the boy tried to hold himself in place while thrusting into Hoseok's mouth at the same time. "I'm losing it, fucking hell." 

There wasn't much he could have said to that and he wasn't able to anyway, so he kept up his rhythm, pumping his fingers into the tight heat of Hyungwon's body while tightening his lips and moaning around the boy's pretty dick. He couldn't breathe well, but fuck, he loved it so much. Hoseok slapped the round butt cheek with his left hand, unable to resist and swallowed around Hyungwon's tip that entered his throat. 

The way the boy twitched between his lips told him that he was enjoying it, gasping repeatedly as his rhythm got interrupted by trembles and jitters in his hips. Hyungwon must be close, mumbling and begging incoherently while pressing his forehead to the white wall. Hoseok could feel how the boy's insides squeezed his fingers and didn't want to let him go.

God, that was the only disadvantage while sucking dick, one couldn't talk and he had so much to say because he fucking loved it. Instead of talking, Hoseok concentrated on moaning around the base that almost reached his lips with how deep Hyungwon buried himself with every thrust, but his fingers went faster, stabbing against the sensitive spot because he could feel how much the black-haired boy enjoyed it.

Moaning his name, Hyungwon pushed forward as deep as he was able to and trembled on top of him as Hoseok could feel the boy's release run down his throat.

"Fuck- Hoseok," the low voice muttered, but Hyungwon hadn't recovered enough to talk yet, merely contracting around Hoseok's fingers.

He counted the seconds before pushing Hyungwon away and panting like after a crazy marathon. He felt a little dizzy, but the air supply was reestablished and there was nothing to be worried about.

"Fuck. Fuck, you're so hot, Hyungwon, shit," he cursed, barely able to speak and sounding like a 1000-year-old ghost from a graveyard. 

"Hoseok, are you okay?" the black-haired boy asked, body still trembling and eyes only opening for a few seconds before fluttering shut. "I went all out, fuck- I'm sorry. I wish you never have to remove your fingers from my body."

"I'm good, I just need some air. I loved seeing you so carefree and how you let go and just moved and moaned. It's hot. And regarding my fingers," he started before moving his digits carefully, rubbing against the spot. "I love the feeling and I love how I can feel your response."

Hyungwon moaned and reached blindly for something to hold on to, finding Hoseok's shoulder as he almost fell forward. It was mesmerising how those lean thighs glistened in the light from small drops of sweat and how golden Hyungwon's skin looked despite the obvious blush. 

"Fuck me," the black-haired boy gasped suddenly and contracted around his fingers again.

_ What? _

"What? But…. you said that you're sore. I don't want to hurt you." He circled the spot before pulling his fingers out of Hyungwon's body. The boy probably couldn't think clearly with constant pleasure. Hoseok was envious.

"You- you won't, your fingers didn't hurt and-" Hyungwon stopped talking and whined because Hoseok pulled his fingers out, lips remaining parted in a soft moan. Brushing his long hair out of his face, Hyungwon threw himself on the white sheets and spread his legs, looking at Hoseok with half-lidded eyes. "Please?"

_ Fuck this. Fuck this, Hoseok. _

He groaned and sat up, lubing up quickly and settling between Hyungwon's spread legs. He looked dazzling, blush panting his features in a soft pink and the pleasure turning his elegant body even more attractive.

"I'm a fucking slave for you, fuck," he whispered and threw the long legs over his shoulders, propping up against the boy's entrance and pushing himself in.

_ You sound crazy, _ he thought after the low desperate moan that entered his consciousness. 

Hyungwon tensed at first before moaning softly and cursing to himself as he attempted to relax and reached out to tug at Hoseok's hair.

"Shit, I must be fucked in the head for liking this so much," the black-haired boy muttered and pressed his heels into his shoulder blades as if to urge him on.

_ You're both fucked in the head, it's the fourth time. _

He knew, but he complied, burying himself deeper and leaning over to connect their lips, bending Hyungwon in half. 

"Promise that you will tell me to stop if it's weird or if it hurts, okay? Promise?" He reached out and lifted his pinkie finger in front of the boy's blushing face. "I can trust you, right?"

Hyungwon took a deep breath and nodded before reaching out and wrapping his own pinky around Hoseok's, squeezing once.

The boy's eyes were wide and he gasped from the shift before letting them flutter shut and throwing his head back into the pillow.

"I want you so much," Hyungwon murmured and tugged at his hair again. "Please move."

He inhaled all the air he could get, propping up on both arms and starting to move slowly then faster, always listening to the moans and reactions and knowing for sure, that no matter what happened, there was a tiny thought inside his head making it all so much less scary.

_ You trust him. _


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEVER STOP FIGHTING, MONBEBE! WE GOT THIS!!!!
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The alcohol must have gotten to his mind, a mixture of sweet Gin and undisclosed desires that he desperately attempted to keep buried.

Hyungwon wasn't unaware, he knew exactly what he was asking for, what the pink hair appearing in front of his gaze and his legs being placed on top of muscular shoulders meant. He knew it all and it didn't make him want it less.

Sure, only a moment ago he had been exhausted and wanted to rest, to be by himself or to have Hoseok's strong arms wrapped around him. But somehow it was easier when they were even closer, when there was nothing left to hide.

_ You can look into his soul like this. _

It sounded like wishful thinking, but that was what it felt like to him, how the dark gaze that settled on his face made him feel. Hoseok was beautiful and the desperate moans that left the boy's plump lips told him that the other man wanted it just as much. It wasn't only Hyungwon losing his mind and asking for something unreasonable, it was also Hoseok's willingness to give it to him.

His awareness slipped away from his fingertips quickly, brushing over his sides and centering in his groin before disappearing for good. The sounds that left his lips were animalistic, breathless and so much unlike him. Had he been coherent enough he would have worried about scaring the other boy. But there were no such thoughts, there were no thoughts at all. Only Hyungwon's desire to be as close as possible and to feel Hoseok move inside of him, fill him out and twitch, only to show that he needed it just as much, that Hyungwon wasn't the only one losing his mind.

"I'm close," he whispered when his voice allowed him to, breathing the words right against Hoseok's lips that exhaled roughly against his chin. The pink-haired boy must have been struggling to hold back, reaching his limit much quicker than Hyungwon after a prior orgasm. "It's- it's okay, you can cum."

There was no reply, only a loud groan that sounded suspiciously like his name and multiple twitches of the thick length inside him, accompanied by Hoseok’s loud breaths, the drops of fresh sweat that fell on his chest from the boy’s cute nose and strong arms that pulled his lower body up, placing a pillow under his hips.

“I feel like coming a thousand times when I’m with you because I’m not able to hold out. Fuck, you feel like heaven.” Hoseok still couldn’t speak without inhaling deeply every two seconds, but it didn’t take long till the broad hips started moving again. Hoseok visibly paid attention to the angle, staring at his face throughout and moaning right into it.

"Fuck," he cursed, surprised because after observing Hoseok intently, he decided for himself that he was happy with the amount of orgasms he got in one day. A single motion of the boy's hips was sufficient to change his mind, as he let his eyes flutter shut and slipped his hand between their bodies to speed the whole process up. His fingers wrapped around his dick and he immediately twitched, barely needing any stimulation with Hoseok's precise thrusts. "Fuck, this is so good."

He squeezed the tip and threw his head back, focusing on the feeling while moaning with his mouth open and sweat collecting on his forehead. Pairing a few strokes with Hoseok's thrusts was perfectly sufficient to convulse and release himself over his own hand and stomach.

His eyes remained closed as he struggled to catch his breath, barely remembering how he even got into this situation and why Hoseok was so good at making him lose his mind.

"You're driving me mad, Hoseok," Hyungwon whispered when he finally trusted his voice enough and tried out his legs that were still resting on top of Hoseok's shoulders. He was going to be in so much muscle pain the next day. This was definitely over his usual work out threshold.

_ But you're the one who asked for it in the first place. _

“I think I’ve never been this whipped. You are indeed a prince. I wish I could look graceful and elegant like you after coming, but I just look like someone pulled the plug.” Hoseok giggled and grabbed some tissues, cleaning his stomach and dick before letting his legs down carefully. “Bathroom?”

"Either that or let me put a tissue there or something, because you changed the sheets." Hyungwon smiled apologetically and hoped that was going to make the whole thing less embarrassing. During sex everything was super intense and he was losing his mind and afterwards it was a 'don't-make-it-weird' challenge. He didn't even remember what he wanted to tell Hoseok before they started getting it on.

_ Embarrassing childhood stuff, what else would you tell him? _

Hyungwon had no idea why it seemed like a good idea before. Now it was just another way to look like an idiot.

“I’ll take care of this,” Hoseok exclaimed and looked very determined, pulling out carefully and catching most of the sticky stuff with a tissue, grinning like a proud baby after it was done and they were in a more or less acceptable hygienic state. “Success,” the low voice exclaimed and the handsome boy curled his muscular arms around his middle, cuddling up to him and rubbing his bright pink silky strands against his chest in an adorable attempt to get closer.

Hyungwon couldn't help but smile and hug back, suddenly remembering why he thought it was okay to share.

_ Because it is. He doesn't judge you for things like that and he helps you to make sense of them. _

"You… you know, when I was a kid I always pushed a giant ass Teddy between my legs while sleeping because it helped me to fall asleep. I think if my dad hadn't gotten rid of it when I was 9 and finished primary school, I would probably still do that," he murmured and did exactly that, throwing one of his legs over Hoseok's warm body.

“Would you like me to be your teddy? I bet I’m also huge and comfy!” Hoseok murmured against his neck before placing a kiss against it and stroking over his thigh that rested on his hips. There was nothing, but the way Hoseok breathed told him that he wanted to say something. The silence was almost pressuring before the low voice finally spoke.

“I had an old plush bunny with a hot water bag inside, and I used to hug it when I vomited up my meds in the evening because my throat hurt so much, but my dad realized that it was important to me and ripped it in front of my eyes to punish me for not wanting to take medication.”

"Oh my god," Hyungwon whispered and tightened his embrace. He had thought that having something taken away was terrible, but whatever Hoseok's parents had done to him was simply brutal. "Maybe- maybe I can also be your bunny then because I'm definitely warm on the inside."

_ God, why can't you make things sound right? _

“You are funny and warm on the inside. Just not the way you meant it. I think because you are afraid of some things, you might look cold, but in reality there is so much warmth in you and you give it so willingly. I think I’ve never felt this warm next to someone as I do with you. Thank you so much.” Hoseok lifted his head and smiled before returning to his spot on top of his chest.

_ He's really like the sunshine, warm all by himself. _

"Thank you for being next to me and waiting for my exterior to thaw. Not many people are that patient. My mom says that I'm just shy, but I know that it's not true. I'm not shy, I'm locked inside my head." He sighed and moved his leg a little higher on top of Hoseok because it was more comfortable. The soreness returned too, but it was just like before. Maybe his body was doing pretty well with getting used to it. Hyungwon preferred not to think about what that entailed.

Hoseok hummed before replying, still cuddled against his side. “But you don’t like being locked, right? There must be a way to free you from there.” 

"I wish there was, but nothing works," he muttered and stroked over Hoseok's hair, remembering what he had wanted to ask the other boy. "But enough of me. I always wondered what you did before you decided to tell your parents that you were gay. You said that you tried to get all that experience in three months, but what did you do before? Did you try to ignore it?"

“Ah, that was easy, actually, because I was always told that I was fucked in the head, so I thought it was a side effect. And when they put me on the pills forcefully and I was at the hospital, I had a crush on that boy and wondered why the pills didn’t fix that. I mean, they didn’t fix anything else either, so it must be a very persistent ‘fucked in the head’. Anyways, that’s how I realized it must have been something else, so I tried it out, like a naive person, I guess. But now I know all the things I don’t like, but still know that I’m gay. It worked.” Smiling, the handsome man lifted his hand and ruffled his hair. “You said that you simply knew, right?”

"Well," Hyungwon began and tried to remember his earliest gay memory. He’d been gay for as long as he could remember. "I always had male superhero crushes and it wasn't the 'I want to be that superhero', but rather 'I want that superhero to be with me'. My mom thought it was like Pokemon and I wanted to keep superheroes as pets. Then I kept having boy crushes at primary school, but got scolded for getting close to girls. The thing is, when I have a crush I'm even worse at talking, so girls made it a little easier. But there was also curiosity, so my mom thought everything was normal since I was caught in the bathroom with a girl. But yeah, it became a little more intense when I got to high school, because I ended up making out with boys but panicked and never talked to them again afterwards. I even begged my mom to let me change class once."

_ You're telling him your whole origin story, get a grip. He's probably not even interested in the whole thing. _

“Whoah, that’s really interesting! You experienced a lot of stuff. And I can’t imagine not talking to someone. Like, at all. If someone talks to me, I can’t do anything but answer, even if I don’t want to talk to them. Does that make sense? I guess that’s why you keep thinking that I want to do things with other people.” Inhaling sharply, the pink-haired boy looked up and bit down on his bottom lip, chewing on it while staring right into his face. “I was jealous. I knew that you deserved to meet someone else and get to know people who can give you things, but I still felt bitter about it.”

_ It's just the way Jooheon said, only that Hoseok didn't want to act on it because he wants you for himself. _

"But isn't that normal, Hoseok?" Hyungwon couldn't believe that the other boy felt bad for not wanting to give him away. It seemed like a natural thought and actually the fact that Hoseok was jealous made him a little bit happy because it meant the pink-haired boy wanted to keep him. "I told you at the party. You don't have to introduce me to anybody and nobody has the right to meet me or anything like that. I'm the one who decides whether I want to be able to meet anybody and currently I am very happy with my boyfriend. Sure, I'd like to not freak out when somebody asks me a question, but that doesn't mean that I also want to become their best friend."

“Hmm, but isn’t it also decision making? And to make an informed decision, you need to know everything. Like when you go to a shop and want to buy a pillow. You need to know what’s inside, whether the person might be allergic, what kind of shape they like most, whether they like it soft or harder, and only after getting all that information you can buy the pillow. It’s the same with me, I can’t expect you to come along and just take me standing at the curb without knowing all the things that I lack and don’t have. It’s like buying a bad product.” Hoseok shook his head and sat up, glancing around. “We should brush our teeth.”

"Oh no, you better wait," Hyungwon muttered and made sure to hold onto Hoseok while he eliminated all those misconceptions. "Listen up, imagine I met 40 people in my life and checked them all out for dating qualities. Let's assume I chose this awesome dude or whatever. According to your theory I could never be sure that there isn't something better out there. Who the fuck cares if there is something 'better' out there? How will I even be sure if it is? Shouldn't it matter whether I'm happy with that person and whether they love me? You love me, right?" He paused because he suddenly felt insecure, but didn't allow himself to wait long enough to get an answer. "Then why do I need to see everybody else? I'm in love with you, not a hypothetical ideal that might not even exist."

“You misunderstood, I’m not talking about ideals. I’m talking about the fact that all my life there was not a single time when I didn’t feel the painful truth that there is something that makes me different, that there is something I don’t have. And I just want you to know that, because otherwise I feel as if I am trying to get something I don’t deserve. Does that make sense? Where’s my toothbrush?” Hoseok murmured and jumped from the bed, walking out of the door quickly.

Hyungwon hurried after him, scared that he would be devastated by himself and there would be no chance to make him feel better anymore. It was just like when Hoseok ran outside at the party.

"Wait, but you don't see that it's the same for me," he exclaimed and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist when he caught up, holding him back. "I also thought that nobody would want me because I can't even communicate properly. I also think there is a fault in me that makes me unfit for relationships and being with another guy. But you- you don't mind, so why can't you see that I don't mind yours either? I don't even see them as flaws. You're perfect to me."

“Because I feel as if you don’t know,” Hoseok whispered and sighed, staying like that for a few moments before turning around and cupping his face. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you sad or weirded out, it’s just that I feel like I'm fooling you.”

"You're not," Hyungwon murmured and shook his head. He leaned down and pressed their foreheads together. It felt intimate and helped him to put his thoughts into words, to find a way to tell Hoseok that he knew. "You told me before that nothing I could do would make you change your mind about me. That's how I feel. Even if there is more to discover, it won't keep me from loving you. As long as we trust each other and talk the way you said we should, we'll be fine, won't we?"

“That would be so nice,” Hoseok whispered in reply and pulled him closer, naked skin touching and warmth transferring between their bodies. “I can’t believe that I can’t even be a boyfriend for more than four hours without making you feel bad, I’m sorry.”

_ There he goes feeling bad for being human and having feelings. _

"You're not making me feel bad. You're making me talk which is definitely an achievement," Hyungwon commented and grinned, hoping to ease the tense atmosphere the way Hoseok usually did it. The pink-haired boy was much better at it though. "Also, you made me feel good. More than 4 times to be exact."

“I still can’t believe we had sex. Oh my god.” Hoseok lifted both hands to his face and squeezed it, before leaning forward and lifting him by a strong grip on his thighs. “And now, let’s go and brush our teeth my prince, because otherwise I might just collapse and be super disgusting in the morning.”

"Yes, Sir," Hyungwon mumbled after yelping in an embarrassingly high pitch and feeling surprised by how at ease he suddenly felt as soon as the pink-haired boy's smile returned to his lips.

If it was going to be just like this until the end of eternity, he had nothing to complain about.

_

"We're doing fine, mom," Hyungwon muttered for the fifth time and wondered when he started to be a little bit annoyed when his mother called. Usually he was happy because she was the one person he was able to communicate with without stuttering like an idiot. Apart from that one time she got all sensitive about Hoseok's stuff, then he definitely stuttered.

_ Be happy that he's not here to listen to how repetitive having parents can be. _

"You said that Hoseok is a good cook. Is he cooking regularly? I don't want you to skip your meals," his mother pointed out next and as usual suggested sending Martha over. It was her solution for all of Hyungwon's problems. Apart from finding a life partner, for that his mother wouldn't have considered Martha and not only because she was a woman.

_ Lots of reasons. _

"Yeah, he cooks a lot," Hyungwon lied because it was easier than explaining that Hoseok had a job, had to pay his own tuition, study and that babysitting Hyungwon was definitely not number one on that list. At least it shouldn't be.

"That's good. Luckily, he eats well, so maybe he can teach you that. I sent a package to your house, please open the door when it comes. Just do as I taught you, smile, say thank you and sign on their device, okay? You don't need to do much more." Hyungwon listened intently and kept nodding even though his mother couldn't see it, all of it until she started talking about him having to open the door.

_ Oh no. _

"Why… why didn't you send it to the parcel station? You know I have one and it's not automatic," he mumbled while forcing himself to stay calm because he didn't have to open the door yet. It didn't happen and the postman wasn't there. "Is it...is it coming today?" 

"Oh honey, don't stutter. It'll be fine. Yes, it’s coming today. You'll do your best and open the door and even if it doesn't work then he'll come back the next day. You can practice." His mom sounded so enthusiastic, but he already felt like fainting and never waking up with the fear that developed in his bloodstream.

_ At least you're prepared this time, you'll know why the bell rings. _

"Okay," he replied simply and continued his endless pacing while talking on the phone. The good thing was that he continuously went past the coat hanger and the yellow jacket wasn't there, which made him very happy. The bad thing was that he got closer to the door that could be the cause of his demise any second.

"That's great. I'm sure you'll be fine, Hyungwon. If something is the matter, I'm sure Hoseok will help you. Take care of yourself." With the sound of a kiss, his mother hung up and left him with the dead connection and the sight of the door that seemed almost gloomy now.

_ You know now, but it also freaks you out. _

Hurrying to the bedroom where he had his desk, he threw himself on the office chair and turned a few times before deciding to occupy himself with biochemistry. He had to keep up to date and the less he thought about the postman the better.

_ If Hoseok knew, he'd think you're crazy for being so scared of the postman. _

Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon successfully occupied himself with enzymes and chemical reactions, writing down every formula and term that was relevant into his notebook to make flashcards later.

The distraction was successful, perfect even considering that there was nothing but biochemistry on his mind. It worked wonderfully, without an issue until the doorbell suddenly rang.

_ Oh no. _

His eyes widened and he froze in place, realizing that he hadn't prepared anything, that there were no words he could say to the postman. His mother thought they were easy, but they weren't. Hyungwon didn't know them, not a single one.

Jumping up from his chair, he hurried to the hallway, stopping right in front of the door and staring at it. Maybe he was hoping that the package would magically appear on one of the shelves if he stared long enough.

_ She'll be so disappointed if you can't accept it. She said it's okay, but you know that it's not. And if you don't do it now it'll happen again tomorrow and you'll feel the same way. _

The bell rang again, not giving him the escape he wished for so badly.

_ If you don't open it now, he'll leave and you'll know that you fucked it up. Once again. _

He bit down on his bottom lip with so much force that he tasted blood while stepping closer and pressing the button, letting the person inside the building. Hyungwon could barely breathe with the pressure in his chest and how quickly he attempted to inhale, feeling dizzy.

_ It's open, now he will come to your door and you have to do what normal people do. _

Reaching out for the door handle he saw his fingers tremble.

_ What if you faint and all the neighbors see? _

Hyungwon was scared of anybody seeing him in that state, of the person being anybody but Hoseok. 

_ Because Hoseok knows how to help you. _

Despite his anxiety, his fingers reached the handle and pressed it down, opening the door and ending up face to face with an unfamiliar man.

“Ah. I almost gave up, but here you are. Is Hoseok home?” he asked, coming closer and placing his foot in the door crack.

Hyungwon's eyes immediately slipped to the foot keeping him from closing the door. He had never seen anybody do that before. His breaths got even quicker and he was forced to hold the air in his lungs to not faint right then and there.

_ This is not the postman. This is not the fucking postman and you don't know what to do. _

He shook his head furiously while still staring at the foot. He was wearing brown, old-looking leather shoes and dark pants.

“He isn't? That’s okay. I will talk to you then. You’re close, right? Does he pay rent at your place?” the man asked and slightly pushed the door open, but not forcefully.

_ Why is he asking all those things? _

Hyungwon didn't reply, he couldn't reply without having to say anything and his lips didn't want to produce any words. He wanted the man to go back where he came from and leave him alone. He couldn't even shut the door in his face anymore.

_ That's why he must have put his shoe there, so you can't. _

His panic only got worse and he felt himself sweating and his hands tremble, curled into fists at his sides.

“You don’t want to talk? Spent too much time with that brat, I guess. He also stopped talking at some point even though he likes it so much. Let’s get to the point. Your friend that you made out at the playground with, owes me 500 Francs. I wanted to go directly to the university, but he might get sad if they return the money to us and he can’t study his gay stuff about feminism or whatnot, so I thought I'd try it at your place. I know that he lives here, so either I wait here for him, which he might not like and the way you look tells me that you won’t like it either, or you just pay those 500 Francs and I’ll leave you alone. And him.” The man leaned down and looked at him, trying to catch his gaze. “Do you understand Swiss German?”

For the first time, Hyungwon dared to look the man in the face, to examine how old he was approximately and his hair colour. It was a plain black and he seemed a little younger than Hyungwon's parents. Adrenaline was still rushing through his blood and he wasn't able to say anything, not even the most basic denial that he speaks Swiss German but not with strangers.

_ But Hoseok was only earning money for his tuition, wasn't he? He wouldn't run away if he owed somebody something. _

Hyungwon could barely think clearly, but it didn't make sense. He didn't have 500 Francs in cash to throw at the unfamiliar man to make him leave and he wasn't able to express himself either. He was stuck and pretending that he didn't understand was his only way out.

_ But what if he waits for Hoseok and makes him miserable? What if he takes him away? _

Hyungwon wished he could have been like anybody else, then he would have called the police or child protection services or literally anybody that could help him in this situation. He was just an eighteen-year-old that couldn't fucking talk.

He looked up but didn't say anything, exhaling roughly through his nose.

“No? You don’t want to? Then I’ll wait. Hoseok hasn’t seen me in a long time and will be happy to see his dad, don’t you think? Or should I go to the university as his guardian? I’m not sure.” Tilting his head, the man reached out and curled his hand around the doorframe.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he made a step back, brain furiously thinking about what to do and how to act.

_ You don't have enough to give him and there is nothing else you can do. You can't let him meet Hoseok. He'll make him miserable. _

Reaching for his wallet, he pulled it out and glanced inside, finding 300 Francs. That was better than nothing. Still not saying a word, he stretched out the money towards the unfamiliar man, hand still trembling.

_ You have to make him leave. Otherwise, you won't be able to think. _

His phone began to vibrate in his pocket and the urge to get rid of the older man only got stronger. Had Hyungwon been like everybody else, he might have used his skills, kicked the guy in the chest and quickly closed the door. But he wouldn't have dared, not with the lack of oxygen in his chest and the panic rushing through his veins.

The black-haired man took the money and counted it quickly, nodding but looking slightly dissatisfied. 

“That will be okay for now. Tell him that he better return the family allowance, or I’ll be coming every month to get it back like that.” The foot disappeared from the door crack and the older man removed his hand, lazily walking towards the elevator and not looking at him at all.

Hyungwon gasped for air and threw the door into the lock, throwing his body against it in fear that it was going to open again and the man would come back. His eyes squeezed shut and he couldn't help but hyperventilate as he finally pressed the phone to his ear and accepted the call, gasping and struggling to fight the tears that already made their way down his cheeks.

_ You can't fight it at all. _

“Hyungwon? Hey, it’s Jooheon. Listen, if some dude comes to your place, don’t open the door, okay?” the pleasant voice said, sounding a little urgent.

"Too late," Hyungwon sobbed and covered his mouth with his palm to stop making so much noise. He shouldn't be on the phone, it wasn't going to help him at all. It would only make it worse. He already felt like dying, knowing he did something he wasn't supposed to do.

_ Now he will make Hoseok miserable and it's your fault. _

“Fuck, fuck, oh fuck, okay, I’m coming over, okay? I’ll ring the bell five times. Wait for me. I’m just around the corner, five minutes,” Jooheon muttered and hung up.

Hyungwon didn't know what to do, dropping his phone to the ground and dropping himself right after, curling up in a ball. He still couldn't breathe and the tears didn't help, making him cough and dizzy. He didn't know Jooheon that well. He didn't want Hoseok's friend to see him like this. He wanted to be a normal person that Hoseok was close with, instead of being so dysfunctional, fuck.

_ You shouldn't have opened the door. That's why you should avoid it because nothing good ever comes out of it. _

Despite his thoughts and his conclusion, he crawled to the door when it rang exactly five times, pressing the button and the door handle before falling to the floor again. He couldn't do this. He just wanted to faint already and be on his own again, only caught in contemplation of what he did wrong instead of knowing it so clearly.

_ You're just desperate for help, aren't you? _

“Okay, okay okay, let’s get you to the bedroom. Where is that?” he heard Jooheon’s voice and strong arms that pulled him up without any difficulties. “Fine, I’ll find it.” Hoseok’s friend dragged him to the bed and threw him on top of it like a doll. “Did he do something? Did he touch you?” The blonde boy started examining his face and torso, pulling up his shirt and staring. “Doesn’t seem like it. Are you having a panic attack? Do you need water? Wait, I’ll get you water.” He heard the loud steps as Jooheon searched for the kitchen, but came back with a glass of water eventually.

Hyungwon buried his face in the pillow in the meantime and tried to hold his breath or only focus on the scent of Hoseok's hair dye because the pink-haired boy had refreshed it the night before. It was strong enough to give him a different kind of dizzy. Wrapping his arms around the blanket, he tried to exhale slowly, voice shaking from the sobs that still left his lips.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry that I'm like this," he mumbled and only made himself sob more, burying his face in the pillow again. 

“No, I’m sorry, I should have thought about it earlier when he said that he’s going to get it somewhere else. For fuck's sake, that piece of shit. The only reason I didn’t call the police was because I thought that Hoseok will hate me. And himself. Mostly himself.” The boy’s strong grip pulled him up and he held a glass in front of his face. “Here, drink.”

Hyungwon opened his mouth and gulped it down, feeling the cooling sensation flow down his throat. It helped to clear his mind a little even though his muscles hurt and his head was throbbing.

_ What are you going to do now? You ruined everything. _

"I gave him money, so he'd leave, but it wasn't enough, so he said he'll keep coming back. Fuck, I don't know what to do. I don't want Hoseok to see him. I don't want to see him either, I can't fucking talk." Covering his face, he breathed in a few more times and wondered why he thought that telling Jooheon his problems was okay. What if the other boy didn't understand?

_ But Hoseok trusts him, and Jooheon helped you by getting him last time. _

“Shh, I understand you well. I don’t have problems with talking, but this man makes me speechless, seriously. How he has the guts to appear in front of his friends and ask for money that doesn’t belong to him. How much did you give him? I’ll pay you back.” He watched as the blonde boy placed the glass on the table carefully and returned his gaze to his face, observing him.

"I don't care about the money," Hyungwon muttered and kept breathing calmly, spreading his fingers to glance at Jooheon. He looked concerned. "I just don't want him to get to Hoseok. I want to keep him as far away as possible. We could place a restraining order, my mom did that once, but I can't talk to official people. I can't even talk to friends, fuck."

_ Is there anything you are good for, except for giving people money? _

“Are you sure? Because you can be sure that Hoseok will hate himself as soon as he knows and he probably will sooner or later. He… he really needs to understand how much wrong there is with his parents. Honestly, I told him so many times to sue them and my dad is a lawyer and was even willing to help after I told him, but Bunny keeps telling me the same bullshit about being at fault and that they simply ‘don’t fit’ and whatnot. They’re abusive assholes and he should have sued them a long time ago. Then he would have at least gotten support, but because of his parents and the legal situation he doesn’t. Do you know how long it took for me to persuade him to cancel their allowance, because them getting money and then even throwing him out made me so furious? I tried for a year. And now that it’s finally through, he comes and threatens me, that bitch. But also you. Fuck, I forgot to ask, are you okay? No, right? You have social anxiety disorder, right?” Jooheon shifted closer on the bed and looked at him. He and Hoseok were similar in their ability to talk without a break.

_ It's the same with you, you also tried to tell him that they would have abused any child, but he didn't listen to you. _

"I- I don't know," he stuttered, unsure what social anxiety disorder even was and how to reply to everything Jooheon had just said. Now that he already had a panic attack, it couldn't get much worse anymore except for him saying the wrong thing. Hyungwon already gave up in advance and accepted his fate, staring at his legs. "I'm scared of people."

"Yeah, Hoseok told me. My mom is a psychiatrist, that's why I know. She has her own office and treats that too because she's also educated in psychotherapy. I had to watch video footage for one of her patients once. He thought that everybody could see him sweat when he talks and think that he's an idiot, but he just talked. It must be quite intense, if you're having panic attacks too. But one doesn't notice, before you broke down in front of Starbucks, I just thought that you were an arrogant asshole." Nodding to support his first judgement, Jooheon took the glass and hurried back to the kitchen before coming back with more water. "My mom said it might look like nothing, but it's so terrible for the person suffering from it. You know, because I asked her what the dude's problem was, if nothing was visible and he just imagined things. But just because it's not visible, doesn't mean that it's nothing, right? How did you manage? Did you just give him the money and he left?"

Hyungwon nodded again, not sure what to say to Jooheon's elaborations. He had thought that the boy's mom was like his parents, working as a doctor, but she was apparently working with mental problems, a different type of doctor. A disorder sounded so serious, like a real problem instead of Hyungwon's inability to do shit on his own. It was his own fault that he couldn't make himself do it, there was no way that a nice illness could explain all of his problems.

_ You have more important things to solve, namely the fact that you fucked up and will make Hoseok miserable. _

"What can we do about this? I don't want Hoseok to be sad," he asked and shuddered at the thought of his boyfriend knowing that he gave his abusive dad money to get rid of him. The pink-haired boy would struggle to give it back to him, even though there was no need. "He'll want to give me the money back, but it's so much for him to earn. I don't want him to. I also don't want his father to come back here."

"I want him to sue them." Jooheon shrugged, as if it was the only solution possible. "That's why I told you, let me give you the money, because I have no idea how he will react, he's kind of sensitive when it comes to you, I don't know. On the other hand, the fucker will probably come back because you gave him cash. That's so complicated. Whatever it is, I don't think we can leave Hoseok unaware."

"Leave me unaware of what?" The pink head appeared in the door crack as the gorgeous man took off his shoes and walked into the bedroom, hugging his yellow jacket as if it was a giant chicken. Usually there would have been happiness at seeing him and the bright yellow sun rays, but not this time.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he felt caught, unable to say a single word as his fingers began trembling again and his breaths sped up.

_ This is it, this is the moment you're going to make him unhappy and there is nothing you can do. _

Suddenly Jooheon shifted closer and hugged him out of nowhere. 

"We're socializing, Hyungwon and I. Would you like to join?" the blonde man exclaimed in excitement. He was really good at lying apparently.

"Are you sure he's okay with it?" Hoseok asked and pointed at him. "He looks as if he wants to run away from you."

Hyungwon swallowed because he surely wasn't good at lying, especially not right after a panic attack. Furthermore, he was a little awkward with body contact because he just froze unless he was the one initiating it or it was Hoseok. "I look like that because I freaked out, but Jooheon- Jooheon gave me water and it's better now."

The pink-haired man stepped closer and as soon as he was close enough, Jooheon reached for him and pulled him on the bed, curling his body around him. The blonde boy had very thick, muscular thighs that wrapped around Hoseok's hips easily. Hyungwon didn't know how he felt watching the exchange, especially since he only saw stuff like that on TV or through his barely parted fingers in front of his face at parties when he was piss drunk.

"You need to sue your parents," Jooheon whispered into Hoseok's protruding ear. "Otherwise I'll sue them."

That was something he agreed with, so he nodded and carefully reached out to stroke over Hoseok's shoulder and back. He hoped that it was okay and especially welcome. He really wanted to make the pink-haired boy feel better.

_ You missed him so much. _

Instead of Hoseok's reply, the bell rang and Hyungwon's heart moved all the way to his stomach as his eyes widened and he was so fucking terrified of what was going to happen now.

_ What if he came back to get the rest? _

Jooheon let go as if burned and ran to the door. "I'll do this one," he yelled and threw the bedroom door shut, leaving him alone with Hoseok.

"What's going on?" the boy asked, face not resembling the sunshine he was used to. There was an expression full of worry and guilt.

"Ah, someone- knocked on the door and I freaked out, so Jooheon knows that I'm really bad with opening doors," he mumbled and wrapped his body around Hoseok to keep him in place. It was also purely selfish because being close to the other boy made him feel safe.

_ But he can tell that something is off. You should listen to Jooheon, he knows Hoseok better than you do. _

"Why is Jooheon here?" the boy whispered, fingers digging into his sides.

_ He's worried, he's so worried. _

"He- he called me and I had a panic attack on the phone," he replied, stuttering because he couldn't lie and just spoke the truth instead. He kept the details out, but he wasn't good at this. His parents had told him that lying was something only cowards did and he was a coward in literally every other aspect of his life.

"You are both acting weird. Why would he suddenly say that I need to…" Hoseok stopped in the middle of the sentence and leaned back, staring at him with his round black eyes. "What happened?" 

"Something- something bad," Hyungwon replied and wrapped his arms tighter around Hoseok, hoping that the pink-haired boy wasn't going to hate him for what happened.

_ Or himself. Jooheon said he will hate himself, thinking it was his fault. _

"So bad that you don't want to tell me?" Hoseok was quiet, but something in his voice sounded resigned, as if it didn't matter what Hyungwon replied. Just then, the blonde boy returned with a package in his hands.

"False alarm. It was the postman. Poor guy, I was ready to knock him out." Lifting one eyebrow at their position, Jooheon threw the parcel on the bed and crawled on top of it. "Hoseok, we need to talk. Your dad was here."

"How much did you give him?" the low voice asked, fingers slowly loosening their grip on his sides. Hyungwon didn't want them to loosen. It scared him so much.

"I didn't, but Hyungwon did. It also doesn't matter because we need to talk about the fact that he's terrorizing you even though they are the ones who put you on the street and fucking abused you for years. You can't just leave it like that."

There was nothing for a few moments but everything that happened after was so fast that he almost missed the way Hoseok slipped down from the bed and walked towards the hallway, followed by Jooheon who tried to hold him back, talking non stop and trying to get through. In the end the door fell into the lock and the only thing left was the yellow jacket still lying on the edge of the bed where Hoseok put it.

_ This is very symbolic, isn't it? _

Hyungwon coughed because it sounded better than the sob he suppressed by doing that, fingers curling into the sheets and holding on so tightly that his knuckles turned white. It didn't matter, he wouldn't feel them in a bit, he was going to be too busy with the pain in his lungs and chest, fighting over which one was worse.

_ You fucked up, you fucked up so bad that he just ran. _

Not even Jooheon was able to change anything. How was Hyungwon supposed to make the slightest difference? This wasn't about misunderstandings anymore. The blonde boy had told him what would happen, that he fucked up and Hoseok would get hurt and here it was. The sign that there was no way everything could go so smooth and without problems for him. The phone call he had with his mother in which he said that both of them were doing good almost felt like a dream now.

Hyungwon buried his face in Hoseok's pillow, trying to lie to himself that it was the boy's scent and everything was going to be fine in the end.

_ Nothing is going to be fine, nothing at all. _

***

The terrible smell didn’t disturb him, it was there, just like the cold tiles were, like the dirty wall with curses and motivational quotes written all over it in red and black markers. Sometimes there was thin ballpoint pen writing with a phone number, probably of some acquaintance with the purpose of fucking them over, with an invitation to call for sex, blowjobs, or both. The bowl looked old and dirty, only the floor was kind of white, scrubbed by the old man that took care of the university toilets. 

_ He has done an amazing job. You have to thank him next time you see him. _

Would he be able to go to university after all that? He didn’t know. He didn’t know how much Hyungwon gave to his father, how much he had to pay back. His mind furiously tried to come up with a way to spare the black-haired boy from himself. Jooheon’s mom was right. She always said you can try to leave your family, but your family will never leave you.

_ And now they came to him because they somehow found out that you are living there. It won’t stop. It will never stop. You will never get the things they refused to give you and you will always have the burden of them behind your back. Forever. _

The only thing that warmed him were his tears that almost burned against his ice-cold cheeks. He didn’t take the yellow jacket and it was freezing outside. He escaped Jooheon’s monologue that was filled with proposals and solutions that were fitting. Only not to him. Nothing fit to him. Hiding in one of the stalls of the uni toilet, he cried, hugging his legs and sobbing quietly into his old jeans that were ripped and too cold to wear in winter. It was the same every year, how is anything supposed to change? He waited for so long, tried so hard and worked so much, but it was never fucking enough. Hoseok still stayed himself. A Ritalin kid that was hated by his parents so much that he couldn’t imagine being worthy or loved by anybody.

_ He told you that he loves you. _

The way he sobbed sounded so desperate in the empty space, and it was so appropriate to how he was feeling. Empty and devastated. Unable to change anything about his own situation. There was always a limit to how much a person was able to do and he felt like he reached it.

_ You can’t stay with him, Hoseok. You’re putting him in danger and you know how scared he is of people. Your father probably threatened him. He will never be able to get better. You are responsible for traumatizing him. Fuck. _

Why was he even alive? What was the point of being born, if the only feeling he provoked in others was hate, disgust and anger and if the only thing he managed to do was put his friends, his love, in danger with his family history? With the fact that there were people who hated him so much that they couldn’t leave him alone, no matter how far away he was. There must have been a reason for searching for the person you hate and trying to make his life worse, right?

Hoseok heard the door open and someone walk along the stalls before stopping in front of the one he was hiding in.

“Bunny… I know that you are devastated, but we can do it. Come out,” Jooheon’s familiar voice murmured, not sounding very confident. He understood that. His father must have been at his best friend’s place before coming to Hyungwon.

_ You keep forgetting that he's suffering too because of you. _

“I can’t do it. I think your mom has a point. She said she sees people with mental health issues every day and they can be treated, while I have no excuse. I really have no excuse, Honey. I’m just a burden for you and now I’m a burden for him too. Fuck.” He sobbed again, hiding his face in his knees. The tears didn’t stop running, and he couldn’t help but miss the shower at Hyungwon’s apartment that was so loud that it silenced the noises when he cried.

“My mom doesn’t want to believe me. I told her about the things that happened to you, and she said you must be lying because you run around and smile like the sun. She can’t imagine that you can still be positive, you know? I know that you cry in the shower, but she thinks that you made that up to get pity. I’m sorry that she is like that, but I know, Hoseok. I do!” The words were genuine, but it didn’t matter. Not while he sat here and shivered, crying his eyes out and feeling like there was nothing that could help him.

_ Because nothing can. _

“You only have disadvantages from being my friend, don’t you? I know. You are stressed by your mother, you try to share your small flat with me, even though it’s only for one person because I have no place to stay, and you even have my father go there wanting money. Fuck. And still, I sit here and feel pity for myself wishing that I was never born so I wouldn’t feel like that all the time. Who the fuck am I to run away from that?” He groaned because he hated how pitiful his voice sounded, how devastated. There was no reply and he only heard steps, shuffling, before he looked up and Jooheon’s blonde head appeared from the stall next to his. A few more moments and his best friend landed next to him, almost stepping on his foot, which would have been okay. He could handle that much after all the things Jooheon had to go through while being his friend. 

“You are fucking freezing, Hoseok. You are freezing, you have shitty fucking parents and the things that happen to you are not fair. Nobody deserves to live like that, okay? No-fucking-body.” Sobbing loudly, Jooheon crouched down, dirtying his expensive jeans and wrapping his arms around him. He was warm. So warm.

_ Hyungwon warms you from the inside and Jooheon warms you from the outside. You are indeed a leech, unable to be warm by yourself. Like a parasite. _

“I think I’m a parasite, Honey. I can’t survive by myself, so I keep finding people who are nice enough to help me. I hate myself, fuck.” His tears stained Jooheon’s shirt and his pretty jacket. His emotional outbursts were definitely not warranted. Why was his life so messed up? Why did he think that working his ass off, studying and having people around who liked him would be enough? Why was nothing ever enough? “I can’t stay there, Honey. He will go back and scare him, fuck, what am I supposed to do now?”

_ He even lied, Hoseok. Hyungwon lied to you because he didn't want to tell you what happened. _

“Sue them. Fucking sue them already, Hoseok. My dad agreed, he only needs your consent. This is not okay and it’s not your fault. You might not be depressed or have anxiety, but you have those thoughts… that you are not enough and that there must have been a reason why they hated you. There is none, Hoseok. They are abusive and shouldn’t have had kids. I’m glad that they did because I have you next to me, but they aren’t parents. They’re criminals.” Jooheon was still insisting on something he would never do. Why would he sue his parents? What for? For hating him? It wasn’t a crime and they were by god not the only ones. He couldn’t sue the world could he?

_ You have to pay him back. You have to at least be a decent human and pay him back. _

“How much did he give him?” he asked quietly, trying to stop crying, but it was ridiculous. His tears simply collected and dropped down like rain no matter how hard he tried.

“Three hundred, I think. It’s okay, I can pay him and you can pay me some day, if you like. You don’t need to worry. He also said he doesn’t care about money. He was more worried about you, and well, he definitely has social anxiety disorder. His panic attack was no joke.” His best friend leaned back and shook his head, looking anxious for some reason. “But it’s not because of you, he also panicked because of me. It’s just the condition, you can’t do much without therapy.” 

_ He’s trying to make you feel better, but you know that you’re at fault. How bad must he have felt to lie in your face? _

“Can I stay at your place for two weeks? I think I will need that much time if I work a few more shifts, then I will be able to pay him back and then maybe… maybe he will take me back.” 

“You are the one who left, you fool. He didn’t want you to leave and he’s probably fucking scared and feels terrible because he thinks that it’s his fault while you’re here crying on the fucking toilet floor, fuck, Hoseok, just sue them.” 

It was nice of Jooheon. It really was. Making it seem as if all his problems would be solved if he only sued his parents, but nothing would change. He was still the Hoseok he was, still had no money and no clothes and lived off other people’s charity.

_ And he even lied to your face, unable to say that your dad made him scared and pulled money out of him. He didn't sign up for that. _

Hoseok never thought that someone lying to him would have such an effect. It's not that he didn't understand. He did. But it hurt that Hyungwon was the one to do it.

“I need to pay him back. I can’t go back now because I know that he will try to persuade me that he doesn’t need it and then I will keep taking and taking things from him like that. I can’t. Please.” He fisted Jooheon’s jacket, even though he shouldn’t have and shook him, sobbing desperately.

“Promise me that you’ll consider. The lawsuit,” his best friend whispered as he leaned back and looked at him with his wet eyes.

“I promise,” he replied, resigned and feeling the cold creep into the very depth of his mind, freezing everything that was warm before, just from the thought that he couldn't go back to the place he had called home for the past few weeks and that for once really felt like it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never stop fighting, monbebe 💪💪💪
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The fabric of the pillow that had once been soft felt like a wet rag against his cheek, reminding him that he had broken down and suffered another panic attack.

_ Only that this time there was nobody there to help you. _

Hyungwon didn't know why he had gotten used to receiving help so quickly, to the knowledge that there was somebody to pull him out and assist him with his inadequacies. Neither Hoseok nor Jooheon were required to do it, he had only signed them up for it with his behaviour.

_ They still don't know what it means, how many things you can't do. Only your parents do, which is why they are so thankful there is somebody else to carry the burden. _

He coughed and hoped to get rid of the roughness in his throat. There was also nobody to get him a glass of water and he didn't have the strength to get it himself.

It was lonely, so terribly lonely and Hyungwon had almost forgotten what it felt like.

_ Because you made a mistake and he left. _

He didn't know how much time passed, but it was already dark outside and he was at most able to identify the shadows of his furniture. The blinds were down and the street lamp was not powerful enough to brighten up the room with the few stripes of light alone.

_ It is exactly the way you know it. You… all by yourself. _

A sob shook his chest again, but he didn't even have the strength to wipe over his cheeks that were wet, tears travelling down to the already soaked pillow. Hyungwon had promised himself so many times not to cry, but maybe that was another thing that had changed with Hoseok's presence.

_ He taught you that it's okay and now you can't stop anymore. _

The sheets vibrated next to him, but he didn't react at first. There weren't many possibilities and Hoseok would have never written to him, not after leaving like that.

_ But it could be your parents. You will have to tell them that Hoseok didn't open the parcel. _

Hyungwon swallowed and grabbed the shiny device, rubbing over his eyes to be able to see what was written on it. Jooheon had written him a text message. 'I'll come over for a bit' it said and Hyungwon sat up so quickly that he winced in pain at his complaining muscles.

_ He's coming, not Hoseok. _

The tears were quick to resume their path down his cheeks as he fucking hated himself for not getting his shit together. Jooheon was going to come and tell him that he fucked up, so he had to be able to bear the news. Didn't he prepare for them since the day Hoseok agreed to be his friend? Now the time had come to stand up and admit to his own mistakes.

Still rubbing over his eyes, Hyungwon washed his face and stared at his reflection. He looked like he had cried for days.

_ Are you trying to play the victim again? You were scared by his dad, but Hoseok had to deal with him for his whole fucking life. _

What was Hyungwon's excuse? He had none. There was nothing that justified his behaviour and his issues. He knew that it was irrational, that he freaked out for nothing, but still it happened. The feelings were there. 

Even now he was terrified of opening the door, remembering his panic attack and how scared he had been by the much older man.

_ Will you even be able to open the door for him? _

He doubted it, so he made his way to the hallway and opened the front door a few centimeters, heart hammering in his chest. Once that was done, he quickly made his way to the bedroom and rolled up in Hoseok's blanket. Because he was fucking sentimental.

_ And because it reminds you that giving out blankets won't give you friendships. Didn't you learn anything in school? _

The seconds passed by and so did his thoughts, jumping from one mistake to the next as he analysed what happened and all the things he should have done differently. It was too late now, but he still kept on thinking about it. If he hadn't given Hoseok's dad the money, would the pink-haired boy have stayed? If he hadn't opened the door in the first place? If he had called the police? 

There were so many possibilities, but he had used none of them. Hyungwon had taken the easy way out. Like the coward he always was.

There were steps before the bed gave out and he felt a warm palm pat his shoulder.

"Hey," Jooheon murmured. 

Hyungwon didn't reply, but nodded to show that he was aware. His eyes still burned and he didn't feel ready to let Jooheon see him like that. Sure, Hoseok's friend saw him during a panic attack, but that was uncontrolled. Now it was him and his misery in all its glory.

_ You don't have any excuses because it's your own damn fault. _

"I'm sorry… he… can't come back yet. It's a lot for him, I think. He feels… terrible to be honest and… I'm just glad that you didn't see it." Jooheon stroked over his head carefully. "Let me get you a glass of water." Hoseok's best friend stood up and left before appearing with a glass of water that he put against his lips after lifting him up from his pillow. 

_ You were right. He won't come back. _

Hyungwon felt helpless and he hated it. Still, he lifted up and sat on the bed while drinking the water. He must look like shit.

"I'm sure you have better things to do than taking care of me," he murmured, knowing that Hoseok needed Jooheon much more than he did. "I'm sorry."

"No… I mean, just look at you. You look fucking miserable. You two are the lonely, miserable ones. I seem like I hit the jackpot in comparison. I wanted to see how you were and… and get his jacket. He would just run around without a jacket, because he's simply crazy. God, he said he can't come back and will pay you back, and even though I offered to pay and he could owe me, he's just… I'm so sorry, Hyungwon." Jooheon seemed lost, helplessly making him down a glass of water and stroking over his head.

"Why would you be sorry? I'm the one who fucked up." Hyungwon sighed and brushed through his hair. It felt sweaty and disgusting and he felt bad that Jooheon felt forced to touch him. "I- I knew that I'd fuck up someday and he would leave. I'm just- not able to deal with it. It's not your fault."

_ You must really be miserable. You don't even struggle to talk to him. _

"No. You didn't fuck up. It was Hoseok's expectations. I kept telling him that his family doesn't matter, that I don't care, that it has nothing to do with it, and he said it's not true, that I will see and that… Yeah. I'm so sorry that it had to be you. I should've warned you. But he loves you, Hyungwon. He does, I swear, he just kept crying and saying that he can't go back. I will keep him with me for the time being so that he doesn't go to Jay, that fucking asshole." Jooheon hit the bed with his free hand and turned to him. "We need to think about how to deal with this, Hyungwon. You can't give up, or he'll think that you're like everybody else."

_ How could you give up on him? _

"I don't want to give up," he muttered, squeezing his thigh like it was a way to help him. "I just don't know what to do. He doesn't believe me when I tell him that he's the only person that matters. I want to make him happy, but I keep fucking up. I don't know how to get him back, Jooheon. I only know that I'm fucking dying when he's not here."

"He is dying too, but he couldn't step over his own preconceptions. He thinks he isn't allowed to receive help. He thinks if he comes back he will keep receiving from you and living off your giving heart. I have a question... Hyungwon. Don't take it to heart, but why do you like him? Why are you dating him? What is it that you want from him?" Jooheon turned him and stared, eyes observing him intently. 

_ What do you want from him? _

Hyungwon didn't like the phrasing. It sounded like he was greedy and needed something particular from the other boy, his help and guidance.

_ But you do, you're hoping for him to make it easier for you. _

Hyungwon swallowed and stared at his fingers. But that wasn't anything. He liked Hoseok for many more reasons than that.

"Because he's my sun. He's the only person that didn't turn away when I couldn't speak a single word and was patient with me. He waited until I talked and helped me without even thinking about it. He never said I'm weird for breaking down or freaking out and only worried about being the reason for my fear. Nobody-" Hyungwon inhaled sharply because thinking about it made him emotional. "Nobody ever bothered before. He's so cheerful and beautiful, despite everything that happened to him. I want to help him shine."

Jooheon only nodded at his monologue, fingers loosening around his shoulders. "I see. You must like him too. Please understand me, I'm very cautious because he got hurt before. So much that I don't even know how to tell you without crying like an idiot. He might say that he doesn't need support, but he does. He needs someone who will take care of him and be next to him. He needs someone who he can cry with instead of going in the shower and acting as if he is jerking off. I hate it. I hate that he still has to hide that he's often miserable. As if you would only like him if he's always happy."

_ He was crying. All this time he was crying and you didn't even know. _

"I- I didn't even know," he stuttered and couldn't help the wave of self-loathing that washed over him. All this time he thought Hoseok was touching himself whereas the pink-haired boy was crying instead, thinking that he shouldn't show Hyungwon. "All this time he kept telling me that it's okay to cry, even in front of others, but he- fuck, I'm such an idiot. I don't even know how to help him, I can't even talk to the fucking neighbour, not to mention his dad."

"I don't think that you should talk to them. I think that you should talk to him instead." The blonde boy patted his shoulder and got up, brushing invisible dirt from his black jeans, before taking Hoseok's yellow jacket and nodding at him. "He'll be working like a crazy bastard starting tomorrow to pay you back because he wants to come back so badly."

_ But how can you live all that time without seeing him? _

Hyungwon nodded softly, thinking about what he could do, if there was anything that he had the power to influence.

"I'll- I'll try to see him," he whispered and closed his eyes, realising what he had to do, but couldn't yet. "And I'll have to get it back myself."

"I don't mean to butt into your business, but- you have social anxiety and panic attacks. You need therapy first before trying to get money back from an asshole criminal. Just saying. I'll drop you the questionnaire tomorrow. I know where my mom keeps them." Grinning brightly in a way Hyungwon hadn't seen the blonde boy smile before, Jooheon winked and left the room, followed by the door falling into the lock.

_ He still thinks that you have an excuse for being the way you are. _

Hyungwon watched the handsome man leave and kept staring at the edge of his bed even when there was nothing left to see. Jooheon didn't know him well enough, he didn't know that it was his own fault. That he knew it was stupid, but couldn't do anything about it. There was no way that a doctor could help him. His parents would have found a solution a long time ago.

_ That's why you're always stuck and helpless, because even now when you need to help Hoseok, you can't do it on your own. You need their help. _

Reaching out for his phone, he took a few deep breaths and prepared what he was going to say before pressing the familiar picture and waiting for the pleasant female voice on the other line.

"Mom," he began and held his breath to not start sobbing like a fucking wimp. His fingers were holding onto the sheets tightly, scared of his next words. "I've done something terrible."

***

He hated coffee. The smell, the number of plastic cups he used, just for the customers to sit inside and sip the brown liquid through a straw and his boss, that allowed him to work but paid him less because she knew that he was desperate for money. He even thought about taking an additional job, but there was no way for him to work more when he could barely stand straight.

_ Because you got ill too. _

It had been a while since he felt this terrible. Head buzzing, skin burning and bones feeling as if they were about to explode any moment. He lost count of the times that he placed a cup in front of someone with a smile and told them to enjoy, ignoring any comments about his hair, his smile and generally being a terrible ignorant person with no common sense. Sleeping on Jooheon's small couch didn't make it any better, so his muscles hurt too and he didn't even have the strength to cry.

_ You felt so good with him that you had the time and resources to cry in the shower. _

Those were good times. Now he only slept for three hours, studied for his seminars that he missed and then went to Starbucks from seven in the morning till midnight. Jooheon had a lot to say, but he wasn't receptive. His mind was so exhausted that he barely managed to shower before breaking down and counting the money that he made and the days he would have to go on like this to pay Hyungwon back and maybe… maybe be able to return.

_ That was the worst and you know it. _

Not seeing Hyungwon was the worst. Jooheon's face when he told him that he's doing it for Hyungwon was the worst. His best friend telling him that the black-haired man was pure misery without him hurt, but at the same time, there seemed to be no way to fix it. Only money. Money was able to fix a lot in this society that Hoseok wasn't part of. 

He closed his eyes as there were no customers and spaced out, listening to the buzzing in his ears, concentrating on the heat in his temples that told him that he needed to take another ibuprofen if he wanted to hold out until midnight_ . _

_ And you need to talk to them. Tell them that they can't go to Hyungwon's house again. That you won't leave them alone if they do. Shouldn't they be scared, as they hate you so much? _

But in the end, he again wanted something that wasn't his to have. A normal life. Parents that didn't want money from him and his friends. A relationship with someone who was definitely out of his league in every possible domain and a place he called home. All of it wasn't his to have and he should've considered it ridiculous from the start but he had no shame and no inhibition, wanting it all and trying to hold on like a leech.

His attention was pulled away from his misery and pointless self-pity as somebody stood in front of the counter and expected to be served. Hoseok didn't need long to recognise the long fingers that held onto the counter so tightly that they turned white and long black strands that almost reached the boy's shoulders as he stared at his hands.

"Hyungwon," he whispered like a weirdo but didn't get enough air and started coughing like crazy, turning away because he was too scared to empty his lungs in the boy's gorgeous face. After he was done publicly dying, he looked up, observing the features that he loved so much.

_ You can't even give him a coffee for free because you calculated everything. _

"Why aren't you coming back?" the black-haired boy asked straight out, finally looking up and meeting his gaze. He looked sad and more tired than Hoseok remembered seeing him. "You know that I don't care about money."

_ Because you're a leech trying to escape your fate. _

"Because I love you," he muttered, playing with his fingers. "I need to work some more, about two weeks, and then, maybe I can… come back if you’ll have me."

Hyungwon took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a few seconds. It didn't look like he was overwhelmed by his surroundings, but rather like he was struggling to find the right words.

"What do you think I am, Hoseok? A loan shark? Why would you need to stay away from me, only because I paid something that you didn't even have to pay? What about- what about other couples that don't have the same amount of money? Do they also have to separate until the money is equal? I-" Hyungwon's long fingers wrapped around the counter and let go before repeating the motion. "I don't want to separate. I want to share everything because you share everything with me too. I made the mistake of giving the money, so it's my responsibility to get it back. I- I found a way to do that, so come back."

"What?" He felt completely lost, reaching for Hyungwon's hand and carefully unwrapping the slim fingers. "Don't meet him, Hyungwon. You have to stay as far away as possible from him. Please. I'll work and I'll pay you back, don't… Oh god."

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and the expression looked familiar. The other boy seemed guilty, not meeting his gaze.

"You- you know that I could never meet him," he whispered and clenched his fists. "I… asked for help."

_ Did he ask for help? _

"You asked for help? Oh god. Will the police come? They will ask me where I live, but I'm not officially registered. They'll fine me. Holy fuck. I will have to work longer, but I can only stay at Jooheon's place for one week, oh no. What am I supposed to do?" Hoseok squeezed his face with both palms and felt close to crying. At his workplace. He couldn't afford getting fired, fuck. 

"What, oh no, there is no such thing, Hoseok. I didn't- I didn't even mention you explicitly," Hyungwon whispered and squeezed his hand. "I didn't call the police, I can't talk, did you forget? I can't do anything on my fucking own. I… I asked my mom for help and she took care of it. She also got me a paper for you. With this you can officially say that you live with me starting last week."

The black-haired boy reached for his leather bag and took out a document. It stated that he moved into Hyungwon's apartment last week and was officially living there. Mrs. Chae had signed at the bottom. The apartment was really paid for and belonged to the boy's parents.

"Please come back," Hyungwon begged and intertwined their fingers.

_ How can he be like this? _

"I'm ill and contagious," he murmured after there was nothing he could say anymore as he stared at the document and reached out, stroking over the paper, sure that he must have been dreaming.

"I'd want you back even if you had STDs," Hyungwon replied and tugged at his hand as if Hoseok was able to fly over the counter. "Let's go home. If you're ill, you should take a break. The money will come back on its own and you can use what you earned for tuition, or whatever you want to get yourself."

"But it won't ever stop. No matter what I did or how I tried, it was always the same. They come into my life and try everything to make me continue feeling this way. I don't want them to be anywhere close to you and for that, my brain tells me, I need to be far away from you." He fumbled with Hyungwon's fingers and chuckled. "But you know me, right? I know that I should, but here I am."

"It… it will stop if you listen to Jooheon," the black-haired boy mumbled and glanced to the side, as if he knew that Hoseok wouldn't like the idea. "My mom also said she'll make sure that your dad won't bother us anymore. At least not at home. I hope he won't come to you differently and if he does please don't give him money. It's not his." Again Hyungwon looked a little guilty, but didn't say anything anymore.

"Oh my god I'm such a bother. You have so many struggles of your own, but still you are trying so hard to take care of mine. Why? Why am I not able to make it easier for you while you can simply come here and say that you don't need money, give me a registration and manage to make my father stay away?" He turned around and gave up on holding his pretence. Not that he was any good anyway. "I'll stop here for today. I think I have a fever, " he commented towards his colleague and took off his apron. 

Hyungwon got more nervous as soon as he interacted with his colleague and fumbled with his hands again, waiting for Hoseok while staring at a few paper packets of sugar. All the confidence and reassurance with which the black-haired boy possessed while talking to him dissipated into thin air as soon as somebody else was involved.

_ It's so hard for him and still he comes here to get you back. _

He walked around the counter and coughed a few times, before wrapping his arm around Hyungwon's waist and pulling him along, out of the cafe. 

"The desperation is no joke. My desperation," he murmured, stopping next to the tree where Hyungwon always stood to glance at him. "Teach me how to stop feeling like shit?" 

Hyungwon finally looked up, visibly relaxing and breathing calmly.

"I can't because I haven't learned it yet," the black-haired boy replied and sighed just loud enough for Hoseok to hear. "You think that I did all of this, but I didn't. I cried until I couldn't bear it anymore and called my mom. I'm just lucky that I have somebody to help me. I wanted to be the one to help you, but I can't do it on my own. I'm sorry that I involved her even though it makes you uncomfortable."

"Why are you sorry if I'm the only reason for you having problems in the first place? I know, I'm weird, right? When we met I told you that I don't care, that I just take whatever without shame, and it's true, but with you I'm suddenly so fucking scared and ashamed. Fuck." 

_ Maybe it's because you think that this is serious. He's dating you, so you're panicking because the likelihood of him ditching you gets lower. _

"But-" Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he glanced around them, probably checking if anybody was watching them. "But you're not the reason for my problems. I had panic attacks in front of doors before your dad came. My mom ordered something and that was the only reason I even opened the door. You have no idea how scared I am of talking to the postman. It's a problem with me, not something that you do. Wrap that jacket tighter, you really look like you have a cold."

The black-haired boy looked embarrassed when he talked about his issues and hid his face in the collar of his coat. Only his big brown eyes were still observing Hoseok.

Spreading his arms and pouting like a baby, because that's how fucking helpless he felt, he stepped closer, looking back at the gorgeous man. "Wrap it around me," he murmured. 

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and glanced around once more before reaching for his yellow sleeve and tugging him closer to the tree, a little hidden from sight. The tall boy grabbed the zipper of the jacket and closed it properly, followed by the hood which he covered Hoseok's head with. Brown eyes kept watching him until Hyungwon suddenly wrapped his arms around his waist and exhaled against his yellow jacket as if he had been holding his breath all this time.

"Does it help?" the low voice asked, followed by a soft kiss below his ear. 

"I want to kiss you until I can't speak, but if I give you a cold, I can as well just bury myself," he whispered, holding onto Hyungwon's neck and pulling him closer like a hypocrite. "What if you never get rid of me? What if I stick onto you forever?" 

Leaning back, Hyungwon chuckled and brushed a pink strand away from his right eye, allowing him to see how beautiful the other boy was when he smiled.

"To be honest, that would be all kinds of awesome. Please do." Glancing around once more, Hyungwon pursed his lips. "But can we also go home? I feel like people are staring and I'd prefer to be the only one staring. I'm also… sorry because I couldn't call Jooheon. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't do it."

Hoseok pulled out his phone and wrote to his best friend that he was going back without having enough money to pay Hyungwon back and that he was thankful and sad and that no matter what, it kind of felt like a lost battle even though he was able to be next to Hyungwon again.

_ Because you got him back without even doing much. It wasn't even you. It was him, coming to you, solving all your problems and giving himself to you. _

"I love you so much and I'm so sorry," he whispered. "Let's go home."

Hyungwon seemed unsure about something, observing his face for a few more moments until he gave up and nodded, making his way towards the familiar apartment block.

"Will you buy something for yourself from that money?" the tall boy asked suddenly and glanced at the ground. "I think that would be nice."

"It wasn't a lot. And I don't even know what to buy. Maybe another shirt. Or jeans without rips? Oh god, I haven't bought anything in ages." He immediately felt guilty after even thinking about buying things. He lived for free and there were so many things that he could have gotten instead of buying stuff for himself. "I'll put it aside."

"Why? You earned it, so I'm sure you can buy yourself a new shirt and jeans if you like. I mean- I… don't know how much it is and I also don't really know how much pants and T-shirts cost, but if you really want some I think you should buy it. Or a toy." Blushing, Hyungwon fumbled with his fingers before hiding them in his pockets. "Not- not a children's toy. The other type."

"When I'm rich I'm going to buy a prostate vibrator for you. I should work towards that," Hoseok commented and chuckled. There wasn't anything that he really needed. 

"But why for me? You should buy something for yourself! Something cool or colourful." Hyungwon gestured in the air as he spoke and walked a little faster as soon as their building was in sight. "There is something for you at home to be honest, but it's not from me this time."

Hoseok stopped in the middle of the street and yelled 'what?. He was' overwhelmed and unprepared to be welcomed with a present after fucking up. "What kind of an alternate universe is that?"

"Huh? Alternative universe?" Hyungwon mimicked his facial expression, probably equally confused and tugged at his arm to make him walk. "What are you talking about? Do you think you are dreaming? I can pinch you." Just as he said it, the black-haired boy pinched the skin of his forearm lightly. "Better?" 

_ Not really. _

"I don't understand what is happening. Why would something be waiting for me after I fucked up apart from screaming or some kind of punishment? Is it a punishment? What kind?" He continued walking reluctantly until they finally reached the familiar apartment building. 

"Why would you get a punishment? I already told you that the only one who fucked up is me because I gave him money. You did nothing apart from blaming yourself." Hyungwon kept pulling him along and up the stairs until he fumbled with the keys. "If it calms you down, the present arrived before all of this happened. Or rather on the same day, Jooheon got it."

"You fucked up by being too nice and giving me a place to live. Now I'm holding onto you like a leech and acting as if I could stay away at any time to spare you. How easy was it when I thought you only wanted me to suck your dick?" He sighed and cuddled into his jacket, unwilling to take it off and borderline freezing. 

Hyungwon stopped in the middle of taking off his shoes and glanced up.

"Are you telling me that you liked it more when you thought I was being nice to you for sex instead of being in love with you? What self destructive thinking is that? Do you want to be treated badly, Hoseok? I don't understand." The tall boy frowned and slipped out of his shoes and hung up his coat before making his way towards Hoseok and holding a palm to his forehead. "You're burning up. Get naked and lie down under the blanket, I'll get you something to make it better. It doesn't seem dangerous yet."

"I don't want to be treated badly. I want to be loved. A lot," he whispered and simply sat on the floor, curling up and hugging his knees.

"I love you. Lots," Hyungwon whispered and grabbed him under the arms, lifting him up. "Come on, you have a fever and happen to have a doctor in the making as your boyfriend. Feel lucky and let me feel competent for once." Chuckling, the black-haired boy struggled to heave him up and get him to the bedroom, steps unstable from his weight.

"You are so handsome and nice that I feel like crying," he whined, believing the thing with the fever because he felt cold and hot at the same time. "What if you become a fancy doctor like your dad and I'm still pink-haired and jobless?" 

"You aren't even jobless now, Hoseok. What are you talking about? Then I'll have a gorgeous pink-haired boyfriend who's at home and cooks better than I ever could." Hyungwon shrugged and finally managed to get Hoseok on the bed, taking off the yellow jacket and shirt before sinking down to unbutton his jeans and pull them down his legs. "Your body is trying to do its job, so we shouldn't keep it from it by covering you in too much clothing. Feel free to take the thinner blanket if the other one is too hot, okay? I'll get some stuff."

Hyungwon kissed his forehead and left the bedroom, making noises in the kitchen as he opened some cupboards.

He cried because he couldn't believe that there was someone who genuinely cared about his health. Whether he had a fever and felt bad. Somebody who didn't even seem to care about what he studied and whether he would become a proper member of society after 'growing up' as Jooheon's mom always said. It just didn't seem likely to be able to meet someone like that. Especially not for him.

Hoseok curled up in the fat blanket and stared at the door, wondering whether he imagined all of it.

Instead of disappointment, there was Hyungwon's pretty face in addition to a glass of ice-cold water, a thermometer and some meds.

"Let's measure how high it is and decide whether you should take Ibuprofen or if it'll be fine like this," the black-haired boy commented and placed everything on the bedside table except for the thermometer. "Can you put that under your tongue and keep it there until it beeps?" 

"Yeah. Even though I'd rather fuck your slit with my piercing." Hoseok was a bad patient, unwilling to do anything and acting up. "I thought I wouldn't see you for two weeks, so you know how that felt? The worst."

"I know, that's why I came to get you back," Hyungwon replied before cupping his face and pressing down on his cheeks to make him open his mouth. Smiling he slipped the thermometer inside. "And now be quiet for a few moments until we know your temperature. I really hope other patients won't be giving me innuendos like that. If they do, I need to be prepared, fuck."

The black-haired boy was really close as he stared at him and waited for the thermometer to make a noise. Taking it back he glanced at it and placed it on the bedside table.

"Forty is pretty nasty. Are you feeling dizzy? I'd suggest that you take one ibuprofen and then you rest," Hyungwon commented and kissed his forehead again before pushing one pill out of the package and handing it to Hoseok along with a glass of water. "I'll hold your hand if you like, like in those dramatic movies that my mom watches sometimes."

Hoseok swallowed the pill and leaned back, holding onto Hyungwon's arm. "I just don't want to wake up. That's all I want," he whispered, feeling his eyes flutter shut and consciousness slowly escaping from between his fingers. 

***

_ He keeps thinking that it was you. _

Hyungwon smiled at Hoseok's sleeping face, a little flushed from the fever. There was something adorable to the pink-haired boy, especially with round cheeks and slightly swollen lips. The sight was perfect because it distracted him from the fact that he hadn't done a single thing on his own.

_ You got him from the cafe on your own. _

But that wasn't something that counted, simply because Hyungwon had done it before. He had gone there before and if it was Hoseok serving, then he was able to go all the way to the counter. It didn't work if it was somebody else and it didn't work if he talked too loudly. He hadn't known whether his mom's efforts were going to help, but luckily they did. She knew how to solve problems, much unlike Hyungwon.

_ That would have been something good to inherit instead of lankiness and a pretty face. _

He was glad that the ibuprofen was already doing its job and Hoseok looked less hot with fewer drops of sweat forming on his forehead. The poor boy must have been exhausted, working all this time despite his cold.

_ He did it for you. Because he thought that he has to return the money. _

Hyungwon didn't give a shit about the money. He only cared about Hoseok and if getting the money back is what makes the other boy feel at ease, then he was going to take care of that. By asking somebody else because he couldn't do shit.

His thoughts returned to Jooheon's comment that he had an excuse, but he couldn't believe it. There was nothing wrong with him physically, his parents checked it often enough. It was merely him not trying hard enough.

Hoseok's phone kept blinking, peeking out from the boy's jeans that Hyungwon left lying on the floor. Curiosity got the better of him and he took it out, glancing at the display. Hoseok hadn't even bothered to put in any kind of protection.

'Hoseok? Are you hallucinating? Pick up your phone,' it said. Jooheon had called a few times and wrote: 'I bet you're sucking dick while having a fever, you crazy bastard. He's a dick if he made you do that. But tell him that I threw the questionnaire into his postbox.'

_ As if you would let him when he's about to faint. _

Hyungwon needed exactly five seconds to remember that Hoseok had indeed fainted after sucking his dick once, because he hadn't mentioned that he was hungry. In general, Hyungwon was really bad at saying no, so all of his denial was probably a lie.

Sighing, he typed an answer in which he said that Hoseok has a fever and is sleeping now with ibuprofen and should be better soon.

_ He said the test is in your postbox, but it won't save you, will it? _

'Ah, so he isn't alone. Well, I told him a lot of things, but you must have realised that Hoseok isn't someone to listen well. Then you at least listen to me and fill out the questionnaire. Just do it and send me a pic of the filled out results,' Jooheon wrote back, followed by a lot of exclamation marks.

_ Well, you could do it while Hoseok is asleep. It won't give Jooheon much apart from the confirmation that he's wrong. _

Hyungwon waited until there was no sound outside the front door before hurrying downstairs and opening the postbox. There was a random advertisement and the questionnaire Jooheon had told him about. Ignoring the ads, he hurried back up and grabbed a pen before sitting down next to Hoseok's bed and staring at the instructions.

It was very simple and mostly told him to put a cross whenever something applied to him in a scale from not at all to extremely. That was easy. The first question whether he was afraid of people in authority and Hyungwon didn't even need to think about it before crossing 'extremely'. He couldn't even look them in the eye. He was also extremely bothered by blushing in front of people and parties and social events scared him. The further down he went in the questionnaire the stranger it felt. It was true that he hated talking to strangers, that his heart rate bothered him when he did, that he avoided parties and speaking to other people. He was also terribly afraid of being embarrassed and sweating in public. All of the questions were things he was terribly afraid of and tried to avoid at all costs.

Staring at the questionnaire with 17 questions and each cross placed at 'extremely', he didn't know how to feel.

_ It sounds like you, but you're not ill in the head or anything. You're just a coward. _

He was so occupied with staring at the paper, he only realised the shift on the bed when it was already too late and a pair of black eyes were staring at him.

"Good morning," he whispered like an idiot even though it was eight in the evening.

"Are you studying?" Hoseok asked, curling his warm fingers around his thigh. "Were you babysitting me?"

"I- no, I watched your face like a creep and then I started filling out this thing Jooheon wanted me to do. I doubt it'll help though." He shrugged and turned the page around before putting it on the floor. "Do you feel better?" 

"Jooheon wanted you to fill something out? Ah- he told me. Something about you having a condition. Was it weird? Don't worry it's how you become Jooheon's friend. He was trying hard to find something with me, and also his mom, but I'm a happy idiot, or something. His mom doesn't like me because there's no condition. Just me and my messy life." The boy sighed and jumped up, disappearing into the bathroom for a while, before coming back into the bedroom, beautiful tattoo-covered body on display and looking gorgeous with the pink hair.

Hyungwon stared because he was hopeless and way too gay to have an ill, but also undressed Hoseok in his bed. He swallowed and stared at the boy's thighs to not be that obvious.

"Shouldn't you be happy that there is no condition? That means it's not bad enough for you to need somebody to treat it. I doubt that mine is a condition because it's in my head, it makes no sense. My parents would have found it if there had been something physical," he explained and brushed through his hair, wondering how 17 questions were supposed to decide something like that. It seemed like Jooheon had written them down after observing Hyungwon for a bit.

_ Why else would all of them fit? _

"Oh, but Jooheon's mom is a specialist for stuff like that. She's a doctor too, but she did that additional education to be able to treat conditions that are mostly psychological. Like depression or anxiety disorders. Those are inside the head. Jooheon helped her a lot and she actually wanted him to do psychology stuff too, but yeah… He likes tattooing, so she can't force him. At least that's what I think and I also told her." Hoseok climbed on the bed and crawled towards him, slowly like a cat. "What would you do if it is a condition?"

"I doubt that, so I haven't thought about it yet. I don't know what one does with conditions. Aren't those serious, like hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there? I don't have such problems. I'm only unable to talk to people because I'm a coward." He sighed again, but glanced up because Hoseok was really attractive and he was a lost case.

"No, but I did that depression questionnaire once and, I mean, nothing came out cause I'm okay, but I imagined if someone really felt like that, how terrible that would be. One doesn't need to hear voices for that. And yeah, conditions need treatment. Just like you gave me that special pill before I passed out, Jooheon's mom knows things and ways that help with conditions like that. Jooheon says that it's super effective. Would you show me the questions? Then I can do that test too and we can compare." Hoseok leaned down, leaving his gorgeous round ass in the air and wiggling it like a tease. "It looks way better with the bunny tail plug."

_ But how can you treat something that you can't even see? There is nothing biological to it unless it's hormones, is there? _

"You tried it out already?" Hyungwon asked, eyes wide and fingers slowly reaching for the sheet of paper. He was ashamed of his answers and would have definitely preferred to talk about how Hoseok would look with a butt plug. "Does Jooheon make a special questionnaire for everybody?" 

"Huh? No, but I did crawl like that towards a mirror, and my ass looks dope, so I know. I waited to try it out with you." The boy winked and got back on all fours. "You don't make special pills for everybody, right? They also have the same standard procedures."

"Well, dermatologists do make special creams sometimes," he muttered, but he knew that didn't really go against the argument. He poked the paper while staring at it instead of Hoseok's gorgeous body. "It looks really extreme though. I'm ashamed that I'm so scared."

"Ah, it can't be that bad, let's see what I get. I'm also a scaredy-cat. Meow." The pink-haired boy purred into his face, smelling like toothpaste and took the sheet, reading the questions out loud and elaborating on each of them. "I'm afraid of my parents. People in authority are usually way nicer, I'm always blushing because my circulation is good and I like going to parties because you can get free drinks and sometimes food. I only talk to people that I don't know because I only know Jooheon. I'm used to being criticised, so that's okay and I think I try looking stupid, so people are entertained. Well, I think I've filled out a similar one before, but there was nothing. I don't think there is now either. Most of it is not at all."

_ Because you're the weird one. _

"Well, you see my answers," Hyungwon whispered and pulled his knees to his chest, staring at them. "I'm only at ease around you."

"Wait!" The boy crawled towards him and sat back on his calves, pushing the sheet into his face. "You mean those 'extremely' are all by you? Oh my god, Hyungwon, are you serious? Is… Is it that bad?"

_ You're definitely the weird one. _

He didn't say anything, because he didn't want to admit to it. Listening to Hoseok's answers, it was obvious that Hyungwon wasn't normal. There was something wrong, but he was so sure it was his cowardliness. 

"Oh god, I'm so so sorry that I didn't realise how bad it was," Hoseok whispered and crawled on his lap, arms wrapping around his neck. "But it's okay, you will only have to visit Jooheon's mom. She's nice if you wear nice clothes and don't encourage her son to tattoo people in his apartment. I would even go with you, but she really doesn't like me, so I think Jooheon would have to do it."

Hyungwon would have chuckled if it hadn't been so fucking sad.

"Are you even listening to yourself, Hoseok? You just read the paper, didn't you? How could you imagine me going there and talking to somebody I have never met before? I'm scared to talk to the fucking neighbor or students in my courses." He groaned and buried his face in Hoseok's shoulder. "I won't be able to talk to anybody about this. I don't even know if I deserve the help. I don't want to waste her time when she could be helping people with real problems."

"Ah, but she treats people with that kind of condition, so you must not be the only one, which means that it somehow worked out. You're not alone, Hyungwon. We can do it. I just hope she won't tell you to leave me to help with it or something. What if she does? What if you really have to do it for it to get better? I thought it's the only thing that's valuable about me, that I can do things you have difficulties with, but what happens when you can do them all, then you will know that I'm worthless. Oh no." The boy's eyes widened and he gasped, before slapping both of his cheeks hard. "No. It's fine. Even if that happens, I should be happy and thankful that you can eliminate your insecurities and do things with confidence instead of talking like a selfish asshole, I'm sorry." 

_ Does he really think you could abandon him just like that? Even if you get better and learn to talk to people? _

"You're stupid," he mumbled and hated how emotional his voice sounded."I like you because you are you and not because you help me. I like you because you listen and you care. You make me happy, so if I improved then I'd simply spend more time with you and kiss you in the middle of the street, so those idiots understand that you are precious."

_ That sounds nice, but you still won't be able to go there. You have to let him know. _

"But… I can't go. You don't even know if I have a condition! Why would those 17 questions be able to tell me something like that? They seem- they seem arbitrary." He spoke quickly and felt himself getting nervous, breaths speeding up at the mere thought of having to meet somebody he didn't know because of his problems. He'd only have a panic attack and make it worse.

"Wait, let me ask Jooheon, you don't need to get nervous." Hoseok crawled onto the bed and grabbed his phone from the pillow, holding it against his ear while winking at him. "Ah, hi, I wanted to ask about that test. Hyungwon has all seventeen questions with extremely and was wondering whether those questions were arbitrary." A few moments passed before Hoseok removed the device from his ear and turned on loud speaker, chewing on his lips.

"Hyungwon? Can you hear me? You need to come in for a further diagnosis, this is not a joke, mate, you're suffering, but you don't have to."

Hyungwon simply stared, not saying anything and observing his own feet instead of Hoseok and the phone.

_ What does further diagnosis even mean? Are you ill in the head after all? _

He didn't know why he was all that surprised. He was so good at collecting disappointments, now there was another one he could present his parents. He probably wouldn't be able to become a doctor either. Who would want to be treated by somebody who has issues?

"You are staring at your fingers, aren't you? It's fine, dude, it's not your fault at all, okay? We have all these managers, doctors and lawyers coming to my mom and she's doing a good job. I'll take you there, you don't have to be alone, okay? Imagine how cool it would be to not be super scared all the time? Sounds awesome, right? You're jealous too, right? You won't suddenly start to fight, but you'll tell all those fuckers that Hoseok is yours. Sorry, Bunny, I don't mean to talk as if you're not there, but your dude has to understand that this won't just disappear if he stays at home with you and lets you kiss his panic attacks away."

Hoseok 's eyes widened and he shook his head, trying to show that he didn't agree with Jooheon on the part about kissing panic attacks away.

_ But he keeps thinking that you can go. You can't, you don't even know her. You don't know Jooheon enough either to just go somewhere with him. You'll freak out. _

"I can't go," he whispered and moved closer to the bed, resting his head on Hoseok's naked thighs. He preferred the idea of staying at home with Hoseok. He didn't want to have any mental issues that needed treatment. How was going to a person he was afraid of supposed to make him less afraid of people?

"Some go with their partners first, or parents. Do you have a good relationship with your mom or dad? Take them. It doesn't matter. You'll realise that you like it without them soon enough, but if you need to go with Hoseok, or your mom, please feel free, it's just important that you come. Hyungwon, tell me that you'll come," Jooheon spoke and Hoseok started stroking over his head carefully.

"Let him think about it," the boy's low voice said in reply, acting for him.

"There's something that you don't understand, Hoseok. You think you're doing him a favour by protecting him from this, but it's something that makes him miserable and you don't get it. There is no 'protecting from' in this case. If you do that you're part of the problem. He needs to face it and overcome it. The issue won't disappear. He will be able to do it, but not by staying at home in his comfort zone. Anyways, I know that y'all are all ill and happy and reconciled and all that, so please feel free, but mind what I said. Y'all act like anti-vaxxers." Jooheon sighed, cursed a few times and hung up. 

"I'm sorry, he can be like that, but… I don't think that he's trying to make you feel bad." Hoseok stroked over his head again. 

_ He's not, but he doesn't understand how difficult it is. _

"If I go I want to go with you," he whispered and kept his face hidden. It felt safe next to Hoseok like the pink-haired boy could take care of him the way he did just now, protecting him from his own friend. "I can't go alone and I don't want to tell my parents yet. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't even know whether Jooheon is right yet. It's just a piece of paper."

"I will go with you if you like. I will do anything, I swear. You do so much for me. So much more than anybody ever did, so there's nothing I can't do." The boy grabbed his face and leaned in, kissing him carefully. 

Hyungwon kissed back immediately, focusing on the way it felt and understanding why Hoseok described it as magical because nothing hurt for that brief moment that their lips touched.

"I'm scared," he whispered once the beautiful man leaned back. "I'm scared of going there and finding out that nothing can be changed because it's not a condition."

Hoseok nodded in understanding and used the grip on his waist to pull him on top of the bed. "But if it's not, then nothing would change from the way it is now and if it is, you at least have hope that it might improve. I don't want you to feel terrible, Hyungwon. I want you to be happy." 

"I know," he muttered and sighed, allowing himself to lie down on top of Hoseok. Hopefully the muscular boy felt healthy enough to bear his weight. "I just don't want to start out by having a panic attack and I know myself. She'll think I'm a weirdo and then Jooheon has two friends his mom doesn't want him to hang out with. She's already wrong about you, so why shouldn't she be wrong about me?" 

"I'm not her patient. That's why she doesn't like me. Jooheon said she gives herself permission to dislike me because I'm not 'clinical' whatever that means. So you'll even have it better. And you and Jooheon have so many similarities in how you grew up, so I think it'll be okay. In addition, she's very professional. She never let me feel that she didn't like me. Until I told her that she can't tell Jooheon what to do and her telling me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I should think about what the fuck I am doing with my life, yeah." Hoseok smiled and nibbled on his neck, distracting him from the talk.

"You're doing amazing because you're studying what you like, working to be able to study what you like and caring about somebody like me who couldn't even accept the parcel with your present himself." Hyungwon trembled from the ministrations but had enough awareness to gesture towards the big parcel that his mother sent a few days ago. The reason for the whole shit show with Hoseok's dad in the first place.

"Holy fuck, what's that monster?" Hoseok asked after looking in the direction. "Is that a new house, so that I can finally move out of your place?" 

"No, it's- I don't know actually. My mom sent this and said that it's for you," he muttered and hoped it wasn't a bunch of books on how to eat fish with the right knife or something. That'd have been really embarrassing and Hoseok would probably take it personally.

"Oh my god I'm so excited and terrified at the same time! Should I expect something nice? But what if its nothing nice, but she has a point? I don't want to look disappointed, so should I just prepare for the worst? But what would be the worst? I don't know!" Hoseok babbled, slowly slipping out of his embrace and crawling towards the end of the bed, before he finally reached the parcel and glanced at him, cheeks pink. "She doesn't know what kind of sex toys I like, right? Hyungwon I'm dying, I've never received a present from an adult before. Do I have to visit and bow or do I call? But what if I say something terrible and then she will hate me and I would have ruined my only chance to have a positive experience with an adult?"

_ He's so happy. It must mean that he never got a present from his parents before. Not even once. _

Hyungwon stared, overwhelmed by Hoseok's excitement and the fact that getting a present from his mom seemed to matter so much.

_ He could have had presents all this time, but because of those people he's terrified of adults. _

"There… there could be anything from books to clothes. I just hope it's nice stuff," he muttered while having no fucking idea cause his mom didn't say what she was getting. "It'll be fine. She likes you, so it could be weird, but nothing really mean. If you like it, you can just call and say thank you. Not like I'm an expert, but my mom is the only person I'm not afraid of calling and that means something."

"Okay, Hyungwon. I trust you!" the boy exclaimed and started unpacking the parcel, opening the tape with his key that he took from the pocket of his jeans. Hyungwon had never seen anybody do that when knives existed. The first thing that Hoseok lifted from the box was a lot of wrapping paper followed by a book. He immediately got nervous, but it looked like a lecture book instead of something on decent manners.

"What- what is it?" he asked carefully because Hoseok was staring at it in silence.

_ Oh god, what if it's about finding a decent job or something. _

"Oh my god, I think I'm going to faint," Hoseok whispered and dropped on his butt, folding his legs and staring at the thick book in awe. "It's sociological imagination by Wright Mills. It's a classic about how social science should be pursued and the first call for humanist sociology that connects social, personal and historical dimensions. I even went to the library, but it's always gone. I'm going to cry."

"That's- awesome," Hyungwon muttered, trying to sound enthusiastic, but not understanding a single thing yet. It was a… book- on sociology and apparently one that Hoseok wanted. "So you're… happy?" 

"I, yes, but… There's more, oh god." The shuffling continued and the pink-haired boy lifted a few more books, giving detailed information about each of them, cuddling them and placing kisses on the covers. "And… Oh my god, I think it's shoes, and clothes. Fuck." Hoseok took out a box before fumbling with the black converse sneakers that he pulled over his feet, followed by two pullovers, black with green writing and another one in bright yellow that he simply pulled over each other. Sighing loudly, he walked up to the mirror on Hyungwon's wardrobe and stared. 

A few moments passed before he heard a sob and Hoseok sank to the floor, holding his palms in front of his face and crying bitterly.

_ Shit. _

Hyungwon jumped up immediately and hurried over to the crying boy, wrapping his arms around him and hoping that it made a difference. It didn't even matter that Hoseok was wearing underwear and two pullovers, he just wanted to figure out what went wrong.

"Oh no, did something happen?" he whispered and kissed the top of the boy's head. "Are you sad because she bought you sneakers? I'm sure she didn't really mean what she said about your shoes before. She probably decided it means you need new ones and doesn't know that you actually like them. I'm so sorry, Hoseok."

"I don't know what to feel and what to think, Hyungwon. The things, they are so beautiful, and she must have thought about what books to buy, it's not something that you just get in the store. How can she be so nice to me? She has you, who is amazing, but she still thought… and- and got all those things. How can she just do that?" Hoseok sobbed so bitterly that it hurt to watch. 

"She- she likes you and she told me that she could tell you know what you are talking about when you said the reason for studying sociology. My mom likes stuff like that and probably wanted to help you study. People can like more than one person and they like different people differently. Sure she can like you," he explained and kept stroking over Hoseok's head. He couldn't understand that the mere knowledge that his mom cares made Hoseok so emotional.

_ Because nobody else does. He's so precious, but nobody fucking knows. _

"I feel so sad. I feel so fucking sad that there are things like that, that there are this parcel and all those books and clothes that your mom bought and she did it for me. For the Hoseok that's sitting here in Chucks and underwear and didn't know what it's like to be cared about before he met Jooheon and you, but now there's also a person, who is not my friend or someone I'm in love with and still, still she cares and wants to do something nice for me. How am I supposed to keep thinking that all that happened was okay because I'm someone like that? How am I supposed to think that after all of you show me so much love?" Hoseok took off his shoes and both pullovers. "I don't want to stain them," the boy murmured, still sobbing and trying to remove his tears with the back of his hand.

"It's… it's okay, we'll just wash them," Hyungwon replied and hugged him once again. "The thing is… you're not supposed to think that because it's not true. You're wonderful and a fucking blessing to all of us, but those people made you think that you are worthless. You aren't, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and now you can see I'm not the only one who thinks that. They are at fault for making you believe that, but it's not true. This is the truth." He stroked over Hoseok's forearm where his words were tattooed and swallowed. Despite everything, the pink-haired boy still tried to believe that he deserved all that terrible treatment and abuse.

_ They should be rotting in jail for this. _

"But how can someone hate another person if they didn't do anything? I must have been a terrible child for them to be like that and to act like that towards me. I'm so sorry for crying, but it reminds me of all the terrible feelings I had while growing up and… I know that you might not understand, but you are the first one who cared enough. I love Jooheon, but we got close gradually. He also thought that I was weird at first. But you… you just… accepted me. Talked to me. Kissed me. There is no way to explain how much that means to me. How much you mean to me." Hoseok cupped his face and crawled onto his lap again, kissing him intently through the tears.

Hyungwon loved the weight, basked in how reassuring it was to matter to another person, to a person that he was in love with. Hoseok's skin was soft under his fingertips where he touched the boy's sides and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss the way he loved to do it.

"You were just a kid, Hoseok and they were terrible parents. You did nothing wrong," he whispered and covered the boy's whole face in kisses. "I'll tell you every day for the rest of our lives. You're precious to me."

Hyungwon was going to keep telling him, forever until the pink-haired boy finally believed him.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIGHT FOR WONHO AND FOR MONSTA X 7
> 
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His tears dried and all his problems were solved by his boyfriend and his mother, who was even nice enough to buy him the classics of sociological literature that he could only dream of, in addition to new shoes and two really pretty sweaters.

_ It's time for feedback. _

He went by tram and shuddered a little when he stepped out. His yellow jacket was warm enough, but it was still freezing when he left the warmth of the tramcar and had to go by foot for a bit. Hyungwon's parents didn't live close to the station, so he prepared for a ten minute walk that entailed looking at many beautiful and big houses, sheltering families that had a lot in terms of possessions, but could still be sad and unhappy. 

_ Like him. Jooheon wanted to call you about that, but you didn't pick up because you're a selfish bastard and a little scared to push him into something he doesn't like. _

Hoseok sighed and cuddled into his jacket, thankful for the jeans Jooheon forced him to buy. They didn't have rips and were simple and black, but it was so much warmer and his skin didn't freeze. He was very thankful. And on the bright side, Hyungwon's mom probably liked that.

_ You'll give her a heart attack after the cosplay last time. _

He almost forgot, but oh well. Hyungwon told him that it was okay, so he would have to trust the black-haired boy to know his own mother and her character well enough to prepare him for every eventuality.

_ You need to thank her for so many things. Hyungwon probably doesn't even know that you are planning to do that. _

Thankfully, his health was much better with Hyungwon's care. Of course, he wouldn't have come to a doctor's house while having a cold. They must have a sixth sense for that and would have thought that he was trying to make them ill.

_ Oh god. _

The thought was definitely not the best one to have as he stopped in front of the huge door, already fucking nervous and hands trembling. The rose in his hands managed to survive the trip from the tram, but his hands were barely feeling anything. He rang the bell and it didn't take long for it to open and reveal Martha's cheerful face. The older woman must have changed her hair because it had a few light strands compared to the way she looked before. She observed him for a few seconds before simply hugging him tightly.

"How lovely to see you, Hoseok! What gives us the honor? Are you sharing your new hair colour with us or did you remember about my cheese speciality?" 

"It's really nice to see you too, Martha. Your hair is fabulous. You make me feel so welcomed every time. I'm here to talk to Mrs. Chae and I also brought this rose in a pot for her and I've had this hair color for a long time. I just dyed it black last time, to not freak anyone out." He nodded and stepped inside where it was so much warmer. 

"That might have been a good idea. Gotta keep a few surprises for later." Martha winked at him and accepted his jacket before telling him to wait and hurrying into the depths of the house. The jacket thing was a little weird because he didn't understand why Martha insisted on doing it even though he was perfectly healthy and had the better height to reach the hangers. Hoseok really liked Martha. She was so nice and seemed like a good person. 

Instead of her, it was Mrs. Chae that appeared in the hallway with a pretty smile that resembled Hyungwon's and wearing a white dress that was definitely not warm enough for the weather outside. 

"What a pleasant surprise! Did you find your way alright? I know it is a little difficult to reach by public transport. You must be cold. Would you like some hot tea?" she asked and seemed a little unsure about hugging him, arms in place but not quite reaching out yet. "Do you mind body contact? Hyungwon didn't say when I asked and only got a little nervous."

_ Because you are all over him. _

He thought about what to say and how to word it, but it wasn't like him at all, so he placed the pot with the rose on one of the cupboards and wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's mom, making sure to not touch weirdly and only hugged her shoulders. "I love hugs," he murmured.

Mrs. Chae chuckled and hugged him back, stroking over his head a few times.

"I hope your hair doesn't clash with the yellow pullover. Hyungwon said you like bright colours, but had I known you have pink hair, I would have chosen a bright blue or a complementary colour. I hope you still like it nevertheless." Letting go of him, the shorter woman gestured towards a room he hadn't been in before. "My husband is still at the clinic, so let us sit down in the living room and warm you up with some tea. Which type do you drink, Hoseok?" 

_ She doesn't hate your hair? How? _

"The tea that one makes from those bags? But I like everything, really. I make Hyungwon chamomile tea once in a while. It has real flowers and it looks pretty and yellow, it tastes nice too. And the pullovers, oh my god, I was so happy about them. I came because I have so much to say, that I thought I needed to come and talk to you in person. I'm sorry for coming unannounced, but I couldn't have announced myself without saying why I was coming and probably crying." He shrugged and followed the woman, looking around and wondering how much money Hyungwon's family had.

_ A lot. It's not really relevant, is it? _

He was led into a spacious living room with a gigantic couch and bookshelves made out of glass that covered all the walls. There were also fancy-looking paintings and a few photographs of a child that must have been Hyungwon. Mrs. Chae sat down on the couch and gestured for him to join her.

_ Where do you sit? Next to her? _

"Oh, there is no reason to cry, Hoseok dear. I loved choosing those presents for you and I'm really glad that you like them. It's lovely that you even decided to come because of that." Hyungwon's mom smiled again and asked Martha for some Korean green tea. "If you enjoy tea from tea bags, then I am sure that you will definitely like loose tea."

_ As if you have any preference. _

"I'm sure that I'll like anything you give me. Thank you so much." He sat down next to the slim woman, leaving a bit of distance to not freak her out and shifted a little, fumbling with his hands. "To be honest I'm very nervous, because there is so much that I want to say. First of all, I have never received a present before I met Jooheon and before I met your… I mean Hyungwon. I've never received a present from an adult, so I don't even know how to process it, apart from being so incredibly thankful." Hoseok swallowed the rude expressions he usually used. "But… not only that. I came to say sorry because Hyungwon got entangled in my personal business and I never wanted it to happen, but it did, and you still helped me while helping him. I'm really, really sorry, but also grateful for that."

The expression on Mrs. Chae's face got more serious as she nodded slowly and crossed her legs. Hoseok's whole body stiffened at that. 

_ Will she be angry at you? _

"I don't consider it to be your business only, Hoseok. Simply because a 19-year-old boy like you shouldn't have to deal with such things. Parents are meant to give support and not take away their children's hard-earned money. Even if Hyungwon hadn't been the one to confront it, I would have gotten involved, simply because I consider it right." The black-haired woman smiled briefly and thanked Martha, who brought in two cups filled with green tea and a pot with more. Mrs. Chae gestured for him to drink as she continued. 

"Hyungwon gave you the confirmation of residence, right? That way it should be easier for you to distance yourself officially and go to the police if Mr. Lee continues demanding things from you. He has no right to do so."

_ The police? But you don't even know what to say. They will think you're weird for having parents who hate you. _

"But… But he's my dad, so I'm also responsible for what he does. I- I am their child, so I have to do what they say, even if it's terrible. That's how parenting works. Even now, when I can't live there anymore because they don't like my sexuality, and also all the other things about me, I have to make sure that they're not angry about something and terrorize the people that are close to me. It's okay if it's me, but other people have nothing to do with it." He sighed and took a sip of the tea that tasted really good. "Anyway, I'm so thankful that you were able to protect Hyungwon, even though it should've been my responsibility."

_ Now she will be angry. _

Mrs. Chae reached out and put a warm palm on his shoulder, leaning towards him. He jerked, not on purpose. Being hit was way more likely than anything else. Despite his reaction, the older women kept her hand in place and squeezed once.

_ She's not angry? _

"You are responsible for what he does when he is ill and isn't able to take care of himself, Hoseok, but not when you are nineteen-years-old and have to look after yourself, because your parents aren't responsible enough to take care of you. I never thought I would say this, but you don't have to listen to your parents, especially not when they mean to cause you harm. You are of age and can make your own decisions. Please don't take it personally, but I have definitely met nicer people than your father in my life." Glancing at his cup that was already empty, Hyungwon's mom reached for the pot and poured him more. "I'm glad you like the tea. It's Hyungwon's favourite."

_ She hates your father, but it's understandable. In addition, you don't even know what Hyungwon's favourite tea is. _

"What is it called?" he murmured, distracting himself from the thoughts of Hyungwon's mother meeting his father and getting a glimpse of his character. "I'm so happy that Hyungwon grew up with you. That's so nice to know."

"You are a really nice person, Hoseok. I am glad Hyungwon has found a valuable friend in you. He is somebody who struggles a lot, which is also why I was concerned at first. His monetary situation was used by others during his school time, so I was unsure about you. But I apologise for doubting you." Mrs. Chae smiled again and gestured towards the tea. "It is traditional Korean green tea. He should have some in the cupboard to the left of the sink, but he probably never makes it. Hyungwon is a little lazy, you see."

_ You're a friend. A friend, Hoseok. Just a friend. _

"Ah, yeah, but I'll make it for him from now on. Now that I know where it is." Hoseok smiled, feeling like a terrible person, a liar, deceiving the mother of the person he loved.

_ He didn't tell her. It must have been on purpose. _

"I don't think that he is lazy. I know that he is very scared of a lot of things. But I'm not at all, so we are very good at balancing out our insecurities… As friends," he added and hated himself with his whole chest.

_ You're a fucking liar. _

"Do you have enough space, Hoseok? We could get a second bed and change the layout of the apartment a little. Hyungwon told me that you share, but I don't know if it is comfortable for you or you're just going along with what my son wants. He can be very demanding once he warms up to somebody. There was also something I wanted to offer you, but didn't want to do without discussing it with you first." Mrs. Chae changed the leg that she crossed over the other and told Martha to bring her some forms. "I am rather close with the Dean of the university, and I have heard that you are a remarkable student despite your lack of time as you're working a lot. Is that correct?" 

_ You're the demanding one, wanting to be kissed all the time and curling around him like a pillow and doing all those things that they're super tense about. _

"He's… not demanding. Not at all. He's perfect." Hoseok shut himself up with some tea before replying. Sure, his grades were okay, but he barely managed to write his assignments, doing them during the night while Hyungwon slept. "I wouldn't say remarkable. I'm often doing all my assignments last minute and I'm very sorry about that. I should put more effort into it, but it's… a little difficult with the time." He chewed on his cheek and gulped down the rest of the tea.

_ Just don't tell her that you sometimes don't sleep. _

"Which is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about." Mrs. Chae smiled and poured him more before straightening the stack of documents and returning her attention to Hoseok. "The university has a new scholarship funded by private supporters for students who would benefit from financial aid to be able to concentrate on their studies. Hyungwon's father and I wanted to do this for a while and after talking to the Dean, we have decided that we would like to offer you a scholarship, Hoseok."

_ What? _

He couldn't believe his own ears and his hearing ability, so he simply stared at the tea before staring at Hyungwon's mom that he shamelessly deceived about their relationship while quite literally fucking her son.

_ But not since then. _

At least that.

"I don't understand," he murmured, realising that Mrs. Chae waited for some kind of reaction. "Why would you… me… I mean, there are so many amazing and very smart people with a lot of potential and they could also need your support, and they would definitely be worth the money! I can even recommend to you some of the students in my class who are very smart and ambitious and come from a proper social environment and aren't f… They aren't like me." he commented, biting on his bottom lip and nodding to support his words.

_ They should give the support to someone who can fulfil their expectations. _

"Which is exactly the reason we want to support you. These people have other ways to find support and financial help, also more official ways. You on the other hand, do not, which is why we want to offer it to you, Hoseok. The conditions would be that you reduce your shifts and focus more on your studies." Mrs. Chae squeezed his shoulder once again and placed a stack of papers in front of him. "Do you accept? The two of us would love to participate in the success of your studies."

"What is your first name?" he asked, chewing on his lips. Mrs. Chae didn't get the point at all.

"Jieun," she replied and raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?" 

_ Because this is ridiculous. _

Hoseok leaned in and established eye contact, hoping that it would do the job in addition to his complete disregard for societal rules. "Please invest your precious money into someone who is worth it, Jieun." 

However, instead of the anticipated shock or being thrown out, the older woman merely chuckled and leaned back, observing his face intently.

_ She isn't like the others. _

"Let me tell you something that experience has taught me, Hoseok. A person that is not worth it, would never tell other people about it. It's rather the opposite, it's hidden gems, I would say, that tend to sell themselves under their worth. We want to support you, Hoseok, and you won't be able to change our minds. The exception is if you don't want the help, then there is nothing we can do. But I hope that you will accept. If you are so worried about disappointing us, we can agree on supporting you for a semester at first and then we can look at your performance."

_ Your grades aren't what will disappoint them. _

"Is it… because I'm Hyungwon's friend? I hope that it has absolutely nothing to do with it because it would make me feel so bad." Hoseok leaned back too and tried to understand why else Hyungwon's parents would want to give him money. For free.

_ There's nothing for free. _

"Let me put it this way, we were able to get to know you through Hyungwon, but the reason for offering you a scholarship is not because you are his friend, but because we think you deserve a chance." The black-haired woman reached out and stroked over his pink hair once. She hadn't commented on it even once, apart from worrying about how well it went with the yellow pullover.

He wanted to be super serious and decline professionally, explaining that he was a shit choice with his messed up life and fucked mind, but the warm touch of Jieun's hand was too much. He covered his face with both palms and started crying silently, shaking from the force with which he tried to contain his sobs.

Hyungwon's mother hummed in understanding and slipped closer, wrapping her arms around him and continued stroking over his hair.

_ Why is she so nice to you? Is it because you're his 'friend'? _

"It's okay to accept help, Hoseok. It doesn't make you a bad person, not at all," she commented and gestured somewhere until there were steps and the older woman placed a tissue on his lap. Hyungwon's mom still embraced him even though he was probably ruining the sleeves of her white dress. The worst. 

_ You're the worst. _

"I'm sorry for crying, I didn't mean to, I swear," he sobbed, scared that Hyungwon's mom would think it was a strategy to get more pity. "I want to be able to earn it by myself, but it's so freaking hard, I have no idea how people live like that for a long time. Maybe I'm just lazy or not trying hard enough, but I have no idea what else to do. That book you got me, I tried to read it for a long time but it was always gone from the library and… Thank you so much. How can I accept all those things when I haven’t even done anything for them?"

_ Get your shit together, Hoseok. _

"You know, there isn't a law to give back immediately after receiving things. Giving is the nicest when it is without the assumption of getting something in return. It must be very difficult for you to earn money, Hoseok, so let us help you during your studies and then you can try to earn money after getting your degree. That way you can focus on what you are interested in." Jieun was still stroking over his head as she spoke, nodding whenever he said something. "Everybody needs a little help in the beginning, so let us be yours."

_ Now his parents are also helping you. You must attract it with your misery. _

"Does Hyungwon know? What if it makes him uncomfortable?" He lifted his head and wiped his tears. "I'm so sorry for crying."

"Why would it make him uncomfortable that you get a scholarship? We could have chosen anybody. A scholarship is a scholarship. You can of course tell him about it, if you like." Hyungwon's mom let go of him and gave him the tissue that was on his lap. Once he looked up from his knees, she gestured at the forms again. "If you accept, then you only need to sign here and fill in your account information for the bank transfer."

_ Bank transfer? _

"I…" he swallowed and was so thankful and overwhelmed at the same time. "I don't have a bank account," he murmured, unsure how to explain that he was getting his money in cash which gave his boss the amazing opportunity to pay him less.

"Then it's time to get one, Hoseok dear. They are free for students." Not even his lack of a bank account seemed to be problematic for Hyungwon's mom. She simply nodded again and switched the page to one that had a cross in the bottom for a signature. "Then simply sign and take the rest with you, so you can read it peacefully at home."

Usually, he would've never signed anything, not after his parents put him into hospital after faking his signature when he was already 16 and would have been allowed to say no.

_ She's not someone like that. Right? _

"You won't put me into the hospital and stuff me with pills, right?" He lifted an eyebrow to make sure and grabbed the provided pen that looked so expensive that he wiped his hand on his jeans first.

"What?" It was the first time that Mrs. Chae didn't sound perfectly polite and her eyes widened in surprise. She looked a little bit like Hyungwon when she did that, eyes becoming big and round. He really liked that. "Of course not. That's illegal, Hoseok. It only says that you get a certain sum transferred for the duration of your studies and that you are required to provide your grades. That's all only longer and with official forms provided by your university."

"I'll take your word, Jieun," he murmured. "I guess my childhood is a whole collection of things one shouldn't experience, but on the other hand, it's so cool that others don't have to." Smiling brightly, Hoseok placed the pen on the table and glanced up. "Thank you so much. How many hours am I allowed to work? And how much… will it be? I don't want to be greedy, but I work to earn my tuition."

Jieun nodded and went two pages further, showing him an overview of covered expenses.

"It's a monthly transfer of 650 Francs and your tuition is covered separately. Work should be no more than fifteen hours as your study program qualifies as a 40-hour full-time program. Are those conditions acceptable?" The older women went back to the previous page and poured herself more tea.

_ What the fuck. _

"Wait, what?" His mouth opened and he tried to calculate what having all that money suddenly meant. "Okay, there is no way that you would give me that for free."

_ Why would they pay you for existing? _

"Huh? It's the typical rules for a scholarship. The money is calculated by the parental support you get and a minimum of 300 Francs. Somebody like Hyungwon would only get 300 Francs, but because you receive no parental support, you will get the maximum amount. And it's not completely for free, you have to provide good grades, as I already mentioned. So I guess the times of doing your assignments last minute are hopefully over." Jieun winked and asked Martha to please bring some food.

_ That means they are going to compensate for your parents' lack of support. _

"But what if my parents try to take that away? Oh god. Then your money will be wasted, that would be terrible. It's so much, I don't even know what to say." Hoseok rubbed his eyes in an attempt to get his shit together, deal with the fact that he was just offered a scholarship and the only thing they wanted in return were good grades.

_ It's literally nothing that she wants. _

"Don't you worry about that, Hoseok dear. I notified the police about the extortion and since Hyungwon's father is rather alarmed about security, there is a camera filming the entrance to the apartment. The footage is sufficient to prove a crime, so I doubt Mr. Lee will try again." Jieun patted his shoulder as if she could tell that he was emotional. "If he does, he will have to deal with the consequences of breaking the law. I hope you will notify us, so I can help you take care of it."

_ What if they watched the footage of you coming to his house. Did you kiss him on the porch, or worse, pinched his ass? _

"You don't know me and still you are treating me better than my parents ever did," he whispered, keeping in mind that Hyungwon's mother had no idea about his relationship to their precious son and he also knew that they could stop being nice to him if they knew. "I'm grateful that you considered me. Thank you."

Jieun nodded with a smile and glanced over to Martha who was waiting at the side with several food containers.

"Would you like Martha to drive you home? Then I can give you some food as well. I really don't have many requests, but please don't eat instant dishes. Those are the worst for your health and metabolism." Hyungwon's mom looked like she considered instant food the enemy to humanity as she stretched out her hands and accepted a few prettily packed boxes, arranging them on the table.

"I usually cook for both of us and Hyungwon also likes what I cook and eats a lot. I do have to remind him to eat though. His favourite food is shrimp pasta and his favourite fruit is strawberries." _ From your nipples. _ He swallowed, somehow sure that Jieun could hear his thoughts and felt how heat returned to his cheeks. 

"Oh, he mentioned that you cook, but I wasn't quite sure what to imagine. I hope you still like the side dishes and cheese that Martha prepared. Please tell him to call more often when you see him." Standing up, Jieun placed all the boxes into a bag and added the documents before handing it to him. "Thank you very much for the rose. I thought of planting it in the garden."

_ It would be great. _

"That would be amazing. It's so isolated in the pot. I would be happy if it could be among all the other flowers. But you can keep it inside for as long as it's cold. Thank you so much for all the food, I bet that Hyungwon will be very happy." Hoseok knew that he was going to be the one to eat all of them, like the previous times, but preferred to keep silent about that.

_ Because she wants him to eat it, but it's you. _

"I'll find a good place for it." Hyungwon's mom hugged him tightly before excusing herself due to work and leaving him with Martha who seemed as cheerful as ever.

"So, are you ready to experience my rusty driving skills?" she asked and rolled up her sleeves on her way to the front door. The older woman immediately took Hoseok's jacket to hand it to him instead of wearing her own. "You better try some of that goat cheese I made."

_ You can be honest with her. _

"I'm the one who eats all of that to be honest," he murmured and felt at least a little better about deceiving Hyungwon's mom, who was so nice to him that he still didn't know what to do and how to react to that. "I wanted to ask something. You’ve known Hyungwon for a long time, right? Was he always scared of people?" he asked, remembering that the black-haired boy told him that Martha had been with them for a long time.

"Oh yes, he would always hide when visitors came or cry when Mrs. Chae made him go somewhere with her. That's probably why I still have this job. I'm actually too old." The cheerful woman shrugged and slipped into her jacket before opening the door and leading him around the house to something that was definitely more of a car than whatever Hyungwon was driving. It was grey, old and had a few bumps here and there.

"I see. He really likes you. I'm asking because I'm trying to understand it." Hoseok climbed into the car and buckled up quickly, thinking about all the things that happened, about a pair of parents who suddenly took care of him and his issues, just like other people's parents did. About his relationship to Hyungwon, their secret relationship. And about the boy's anxiety that seemed so bad that it made his life hell for much longer than he could imagine.

_

"I'm back and I brought food," he said cheerfully after opening the door and inhaling the familiar scent of Hyungwon's apartment. It smelled like Hyungwon, so it was the best scent ever.

_ It might smell like you too after all this time. _

Instead of hiding in the bedroom as he usually did, the black-haired boy peeked into the hallway from the living room and looked unsure.

"Where have you been? I thought you'd be home earlier, so I ordered pizza, but now it's cold," Hyungwon muttered and looked like it was his fault. "I hope it's not too bad after warming it up."

_ He's adorable. _

"Your mom wants you to eat healthily," Hoseok commented quietly and went to the kitchen, unpacked the several containers and sorted them into the fridge. "I was at your parents' house." 

"What- why?" Hyungwon quickly followed him before jumping up on the counter close to him. The other boy looked really good, black jeans, a white shirt that was slightly transparent and tousled hair. "Did something happen? Those are from Martha, aren't they?" 

"Yes. She said to eat them. I went because I wanted to thank Jieun for everything, but ended up with more presents than I can handle. You're hot." He threw his head back and walked over, pinning Hyungwon between his arms that he propped against the counter. "Your parents don't know about this dating thing, do they?" 

_ You sound like a suggestive prick. _

"Oh, no… not yet. I wanted to tell them when I got you back. I… didn't know how well it would work and didn't know how to explain that I'm dating but my boyfriend left for two weeks." The tall boy looked a little uncomfortable, but mostly because of his own words. Hoseok immediately felt those long legs wrapping around his hips. "Were they nice to you, or… did they ask you awkward questions? Like whether I go out and accept my parcels?" 

_ Because of his anxiety. He must think about it a lot. _

"No. Your mom gave me a scholarship, for shit loads of money, and thanked me for being such a good 'friend' and asked me to get good grades. I'm trying not to be too happy because they'll probably change their mind as soon as they know that you're not the one demanding me to sleep in your bed but that I'm the one who wants to attach myself to you 24/7." Hoseok was amazing, being bitter and horny at the same time.

_ You're special. _

"But I'm the one who invited you into my bed in the first place. I'm also the one who- who begged you for it. Also the one who thought you’d be back two hours ago and showered thoroughly and ordered pizza, which is really embarrassing, but I still did all those things." Hyungwon swallowed and tugged at Hoseok's shirt. "They’ve wanted to support somebody for a while. I'm happy that it's you. Also, they can't take it back because it's official and through the university."

_ He knew about it, so it might not be because you're friends. It doesn't change the fact that you're not worthy though. _

"But… god, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so bad for receiving that money and now I also feel bad because they might change their mind about that money that isn't even mine." He was such a hypocrite. "And now I want you so much because your mom thought that we're just friends and that made me feel so scared, so I'm possessive and want to feel you." 

Hyungwon smiled a little at his monologue about possessiveness and brushed through his hair.

"I'm mostly scared about Jooheon calling four times and me not picking up. I'm really sorry, but I hate unexpected phone calls. I never know what to say." The gorgeous boy sighed and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer. "But don't be sorry about my parents. I'm sure they'll be fine with it. They said they like you."

_ It doesn't mean anything. _

"There's a difference. But oh well. Not that I can do anything about it besides living out my possessiveness." He leaned in and exhaled against Hyungwon's beautiful, full lips. "Jooheon probably wanted you to go see his mom. I can come with you."

"I don't want to go alone," Hyungwon whispered and pulled him into a kiss, licking into his mouth. "Actually, I'd rather stay at home and kiss you."

"Why would we only do the one thing if we can do both? Let's kiss as much as you like and make an appointment with Jooheon's mom." Hoseok dipped his fingers under the waistband of the boy's jeans before tracing his sides with a careful stroke of his fingertips. "God knows how much I missed touching you," he breathed out. 

Hyungwon gasped and broke the kiss for a second, chewing on his cheeks as Hoseok could see the boy's pants tighten as the seconds ticked by.

"I'm too gay for this, my self control is shit," Hyungwon whispered and grabbed the belt loops of Hoseok's jeans to pull him flush against his groin.

He gasped and let out a soft moan because he secretly loved it when Hyungwon was demanding.

"I don't know about being gay, but I'm nineteen, horny and dying," he murmured, leaning into Hyungwon's neck to lick a stripe over his jugular that pulsated under his tongue. "I love it when you are demanding."

_ Not that secretly then. _

"I got ready, you could- you know," Hyungwon whispered and tightened his thighs around him, moaning softly because his neck was sensitive and Hoseok knew.

"I could? I could do a lot of things if you want me to do them. You must have had a thought concerning what you wanted me to do, right?" He nibbled on Hyungwon's earlobe and kissed the sensitive spot behind his ear, humming into the kiss.

"Be inside me," Hyungwon whispered and let his eyes flutter shut. He looked so beautiful, easily responding to Hoseok's touches as if the mere outlook of what might be happening next got to him. "You can even wear your bunny tail, if you like."

_ You kept it for so long, just for him. _

"Let me shower real quick and then I want you to plug me," he demanded out of nowhere, but the thought of Hyungwon putting the bunny plug inside him made him hard followed by a twitch right against the boy's groin. "What do you think?"

"Sounds perfect," Hyungwon gasped and nibbled on his neck, long fingers tracing the outline of his clothed dick. "I missed this."

"I missed you, but there is so much shit inside my head, Hyungwon. I just want to stop thinking about it for a few moments." Hoseok placed a kiss against the boy's thick mouth and stepped back, smiling at his antics. "Wait for me," he whispered and walked to the bathroom, fighting with his thoughts of being a liar, worthless, bitter, greedy and at the same time shameless and careless enough to enjoy every single touch and kiss of the beautiful man next to him. No matter how many times the thoughts circled his mind, there was one question that he was still too afraid to answer. 

_ Was it them? Did they fuck you up this badly? _

***

Hyungwon was scared. He was so fucking scared that he used every opportunity there was to distract himself from that one thing he was terrified of. He studied longer than usual, he cleaned up the bedroom even though he rarely did that and only changed the sheets because Hoseok suggested that it was time or they had covered them in bodily fluids.

_ You even prepared for his arrival because you thought you were going mad. _

Hyungwon expected his boyfriend to come home around eight and used the remaining time he had after studying to occupy himself with preparations. He ordered pizza and told the delivery guy to leave it in front of the door, perfectly organised and without any conversation. He even took a shower for forty minutes and scrubbed his body with that exfoliating sponge his mom swore on.

_ You even cleaned up down there because you hoped that he would distract you from your fear for the rest of the night. _

Unfortunately, Hyungwon was wrong about Hoseok's arrival and ended up having several hours of cold pizza, an empty apartment and the lit-up screen of his phone. Jooheon kept calling even though Hyungwon didn't pick up. He had never seen anybody so persistent about reaching him, but he couldn't help his inability to pick up. He just couldn't fucking do it, even if he knew that Jooheon wouldn't have said anything particularly terrible.

_ But you don't know what you would have said. _

Hearing the sound of keys in the door brought immediate relief. Hyungwon couldn't help but feel like Hoseok was going to take the pressure away from him, the fear of having to go anywhere or being on his own surrounded by people he didn't know.

At first, he felt ashamed for reacting so quickly, but Hoseok's words quickly calmed those worries.

_ He's just like you, he wants to stop thinking about things for once. _

While the pink-haired boy showered, Hyungwon made his way to the bedroom and arranged the sheets to make them look nicer. There wasn't really a point because they were going to mess them up, but it made him feel a little better.

Excitement bubbled in his chest as he reached for Hoseok's bedside table and took out the lube and a few tissues for later. He needed a little longer to find the bunny tail plug, especially because it wasn't white anymore, but a bright pink. It was the same color as Hoseok's hair.

_ Did he put hair dye on it to match his hair? _

Hyungwon kept staring at the fluffy tail for a while, glad that the size was similar to the black plug and had the same likelihood of hurting Hoseok. He really wanted to do well this time and keep it as painless and arousing as possible.

Arranging everything on Hoseok's pillow, he slipped out of his clothes and lay naked on the bed, wondering if that looked too much like a surgery. The way he arranged the toy and the lube resembled instruments. Now he only needed to lie there spread legged with a mouth gag and it was medical porn.

_ What the hell is wrong with you? _

He really wanted to come up with something decent to do, preferably something that looked purposeful, but he wasn't fast enough. Steps sounded in the hallway and he was still lying on the bed like he was preparing for surgery.

Freaking out, he licked over his palm and wrapped it around his dick, giving it a few strokes. There was nothing worse than getting soft because of fear and sending the wrong message, fuck.

Hoseok walked into the bedroom, stark naked and looking absolutely breathtaking, beaming with confidence and pale muscles shining with the tiny drops left on them, as if on purpose. A second passed before he could almost feel the dark gaze on him, travelling from his legs up and down.

"Fuck, I'm going to die," the boy whispered and brushed back his wet hair.

_ Either he thinks you're hot or he saw the way you arranged the toy and the lube. _

"It looks like an operating table, but I won't hurt you," he murmured until he realized that it sounded anything but reassuring. "God."

Since he could feel himself getting nervous, he spread his legs a little and sped up the way his hand slipped over his dick. He rubbed his palm over the tip and hoped that it was good enough to stay focused on pleasure. Looking at Hoseok was definitely more effective though. The other boy was gorgeous and the fact that he was hard only made Hyungwon want him more.

_ You kept thinking about it, but so much happened that you didn't dare mention sex. _

"Are you touching yourself because you like the way I look or because you don't like it? I can't tell from your face," his boyfriend murmured, stepping closer with a hint of hesitation before climbing on top of the bed. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to. I can plug myself quietly."

_ And that's why it fucking sucks when you are scared. You can't talk. _

"What, oh god," Hyungwon mumbled and realized how quickly his inability to talk backfired on him. "I'm scared that you think I'm a weirdo for arranging all the stuff like for surgery. I- I got so scared that… I was even more scared to get soft, so I tried to do something about it." He let go of his dick and swallowed, observing Hoseok intently. "I- I really want to. I just don't want to hurt you."

"Oh, you won't. I made sure to do some thorough prep, so it won't be uncomfortable. Have you seen that it's pink? Like my hair?" Hoseok smiled brightly, looking proud as he lay next to him. The boy turned to his side, head resting on his palm and bending one leg like one of those Roman sculptures. "Not to be creepy in return, but I'd totally trust you to perform any kind of surgery on me, doc."

"I wouldn't risk it," Hyungwon muttered because he sure as hell wouldn't trust himself with surgery. Hoseok looked fucking stunning, so he crawled a little closer and let his fingers dance over the other boy's arm and side before he arrived at the curve of his hips. His breath hitched, but it was too late to pretend that it didn't. "You're gorgeous and I love that you used your hair dye on that bunny tail. Now it really looks like it was made for you."

"You are made for me." Hoseok grabbed him and lay on his back, pulling him on top of himself, easily curling both legs around his hips while giving friction to their groins. "You have no idea how much I missed touching you."

Hyungwon gasped and couldn't believe how much Hoseok wrapping around him affected him. All previous worries about losing his erection dissipated into thin air and he leaned in to capture the gorgeous boy's lips with his own. He loved the taste, the texture and the way it made him feel. He had wanted to think about nothing but Hoseok and the pink-haired boy was so good at providing him with exactly that.

"Can't wait to feel you," he whispered before nibbling on Hoseok's neck and slowly making his way down, kissing the boy's chest and dipping his tongue into his navel until he arrived at his freshly shaved groin. He placed Hoseok's legs on his shoulders similar to how the other boy always did it with him and licked over the tip of his dick, observing the reaction.

Hoseok cursed, throwing his head back and rubbing the pink strands against the pillow. The boy's broad hips jerked forward and he felt his erection twitch against his tongue. "Oh my god, Hyungwon. Touch me, fuck, please touch me."

_ He's always so expressive. You only relax when the pleasure drives you mad. _

Humming in agreement, because it was always safer, Hyungwon licked a stripe down the boy's length and wrapped his right hand around it, stroking slowly. He wanted to try something, so he continued making his way down, licking over Hoseok's balls and sucking on the skin before he reached the boy's entrance and teased it with his tongue.

Hoseok moaned and he felt the boy's muscular thighs spread and close around his neck before spreading again. Hyungwon hoped that his boyfriend was aware enough to pay attention and not choke him accidentally. Those muscles were definitely able to.

_ But you like the way he reacts. _

He wondered if that was how Hoseok felt when he played with him and Hyungwon lost it, begging him for more and being unable to control his body movements. He kept the strokes on Hoseok's firm dick and traced the ring of muscles a few times, loving how the pink-haired boy shuddered in response.

"Why does everything you do feel so good?" the low voice asked, but it seemed more like a rhetorical question, as the thigh muscles flexed once again.

_ But you can't really do much like this. _

Looking up, Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and thought about the best way to ask for more access. What if asking made the whole thing scary as it did for him back then?

"Can I… bend you a little or… would you like to turn around?" he asked and sucked on the skin of Hoseok's balls again, unsure whether he was distracting himself or the other boy.

"I think you have never seen how awesome my butt actually looks," Hoseok murmured and grinned, removing his legs from his shoulders and turning around quickly. His boyfriend had a gorgeous body, pale, muscular and covered in tattoos. The definition was impressive, back muscles smoothly transitioning into the tiny waist and the plump, peach-shaped ass that Hoseok stretched out a little, making it look even better if that was even possible. His skin was so smooth that he resembled a marble sculpture.

"Do you like it? Please tell me that you like it even if you don't," the pink-haired boy murmured, looking up from his forearm he rested his head on. 

"I- I like it a lot," Hyungwon stuttered and couldn't resist leaning in. He closed his lips around a patch of the boy's butt, sucking it into his mouth. Hoseok smelt like roses again. It must have been his favorite scent among the ones in the bathroom.

His boyfriend hummed softly at his ministrations and folded his arms over his head, face visible in side profile. Hoseok was incredibly attractive when feeling pleasure and the way he gave himself like that showed how much he trusted him. 

_ He's so at ease next to you, much more than the last time you did something similar. _

Hoseok's reaction gave him confidence and he reached between the muscular legs, playing with the tip of his erection as he leaned in and licked over one butt cheek. His boyfriend had a really plump butt, so he licked over his crack a few times before needing both of his hands to spread the cheeks apart.

"Is this okay?" he asked and licked over Hoseok's crack again. This time it was easier to reach and he traced the tight ring before dipping his tongue inside. Hoseok's body trembled under his fingertips accompanied by a breathy moan, careful, but at the same time showing that he liked it.

_ You must be doing okay then. _

Inhaling through his nose, he moved closer and increased his efforts, carefully slipping his tongue inside the other boy and doing the motions he had mostly learned from feeling them and losing his mind. He could feel the gorgeous butt flex under his fingertips as his own arousal increased from Hoseok's obvious signs of pleasure.

"You drive me absolutely mad," he whispered and massaged the muscles in his hands before continuing the teasing without too much friction. Hoseok had said that he prepared well, so friction was less likely, but Hyungwon didn't want to risk it. In addition, thinking about Hoseok's well-being distracted him from his throbbing erection and the fact that the other boy was really tight.

Hoseok didn't say anything, but reached for the plug and lube, leaving it next to his hips without any content, quietly moaning at the motions of his tongue.

_ He wants you to plug him now. _

Hyungwon hummed softly and licked over Hoseok's crack one more time before letting go and reaching for the lube and the toy. The fluffy part of the tail felt really nice, so he made sure not to cover it in lube and mess it up.

"I'll warm it up a little," he muttered and rubbed some lube between his fingers before applying it to the toy and carefully rubbing some over Hoseok's entrance. Remembering that Hoseok liked distraction, he reached between those muscular thighs and drew circles over the tip of the boy's erection while lining up the toy. "Are you okay?"

_ He's so quiet and you talk so much. _

"Mhm, I'm sad that I can't see you so I'm having a little trouble with war flashbacks due to the position. Please feel free," the boy said with his eyes closed and smiled.

_ No fucking way. _

An unpleasant feeling spread in the pit of Hyungwon's stomach and he wrapped an arm around Hoseok's waist before turning the muscular boy around and leaning over him, faces aligned.

"No, war flashbacks are not okay," he whispered and kissed Hoseok's plump mouth. "We can do it like this too. I don't want you to be reminded of back then. I'd never want to hurt you, Hoseok."

The boy's face showed that he was more surprised than anything else, staring at him with his round, black eyes.

"But you didn't hurt me, you really didn't. I just didn't think about it, but when I stopped seeing you and being in that position, my mind kinda went places, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out."

_ But he was the one feeling uncomfortable, not you. _

"But that's not a reason to apologise. You can just tell me that it gives you bad memories and then we can try out something different." He licked over Hoseok's lips again and made his way back down, deep throating the thick length once simply because he could. His mind successfully supplied him with the memory of how it felt inside of him and he couldn't help the way his body revealed his thoughts. "My mind also went places, sorry."

"But those places seem nice," the boy said, winking at him after a loud moan at the stimulation. He spread his legs and wrapped both arms around his thighs, lifting them and licking over his lips. "Plug me."

"Shit," Hyungwon hissed and swallowed, already feeling his hands shake a little because he got excited. He added some extra lube to the toy he had shamelessly abandoned and carefully rubbed it over Hoseok's crack to spread the lubricant. Once he felt sure that it wasn't going to hurt, he leaned in and took the boy's erection again while slipping the toy inside of his boyfriend. He played with the tip to distract himself and not come simply from how good Hoseok looked and how easily the other boy's moans went straight to his dick.

_ Shit, are you even supposed to like this so much? _

There was no sign of discomfort, just more moans, loud and clear, accompanied by a very apparent twitch as soon as the toy disappeared inside.

"Oh god, good that I came once in the shower," Hoseok commented, reaching down and playing with the pink tail while his red lips spread in a grin. "I love this."

_ He looks so fucking good. _

Hyungwon watched like a voyeur, unable to glance away and barely contained the way his erection twitched, occluding it with his forearm as well as he could. Hoseok had been smart and got off in the shower, which meant the likelihood of Hyungwon holding out was dramatically reduced. Feeling lost, he simply applied pressure to the plug to push against the spot and returned his attention to Hoseok's dick, letting it hit the back of his throat.

Hoseok almost screamed and pulled him off, hands easily wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him up until the boy could lick into his mouth hungrily.

"Sit on my face. I want to taste you too. I missed it so much."

Hyungwon gasped, mouth remaining open as he tried to make sense of what had just happened. At first, he concluded that he must have done something wrong, but Hoseok's reaction suggested it was rather the opposite. His dick twitched again, but this time right against the boy's thigh, so there was no way to hide it.

"Fuck, okay, but I think I won't hold out, whatever you do to me," he mumbled and sat up to crawl higher, body heating up even more in anticipation. Shit, he wanted Hoseok so much. He wanted the pink-haired boy to press him into the mattress again and make him scream. He liked it so fucking much, even if he tried not to think about it.

"You can come as many times as you like, but you have to turn around." Hoseok stroked over his chest and played with his nipples, contrary to his words about turning around and closed his lips around his dick.

Hyungwon's thighs trembled immediately and he barely kept himself in check to not thrust into Hoseok's mouth like a mindless idiot.

"O-okay," he stuttered and carefully pulled out before turning around and definitely not knowing what to do with himself. It was a little weirder than having Hoseok between his legs. "Shit, I'm going mad thinking about you inside of me. I know I rarely say anything, but I like it so much that I keep thinking about it."

"Me too," Hoseok whispered back before taking his hips and pulling him against the boy's hot mouth and his tongue that started teasing him, licking over his entrance and pushing inside his body, loud hums increasing the intensity. 

"Please," Hyungwon begged helplessly and felt his awareness slip away as soon as Hoseok began to play with him. His thighs contracted and he instantly remembered how sensitive he actually was, how much he liked it. He must have looked like an addict to the other boy, compared to how Hoseok had reacted. "I'm going mad."

Instead of a reply, there was more, faster movements, the strong fingers that buried themselves in his hips, rough breaths, and audible moans when Hoseok gasped for air.

"I want you. Fuck, I want you and I'm going crazy. Can I use my fingers?"

"God, please," Hyungwon mumbled and nodded furiously, hands reaching out to hold on to Hoseok's body as he shook from pleasure and the knowledge that the other boy was about to put fingers into him. He went absolutely crazy with anything that was deep enough to make him see stars. He didn't know if Hoseok knew, but it wasn't difficult to tell from how much precum collected at the tip of his dick from the thought alone. "Please, Hoseok."

He heard the lube make a clicking noise as Hoseok opened it and couldn't wait until he finally felt the boy's digits circle his entrance, one carefully slipping inside. He couldn't help but think that Hoseok still thought that it must be slightly uncomfortable for him, judging by his own experience and in consequence paying so much attention to how he put anything inside him, be it fingers, a plug, or his dick. 

Again the seconds ticked by before the boy finally found what he was searching for and pushed down as if it was the fucking reset button. 

Hyungwon groaned so loudly that he feared the neighbors had heard. Luckily, he didn't have the brain capacity to think about it for long as he decided to show Hoseok he wasn't in pain and simply thrust his hips down against the digit inside of him. It felt good, fucking good, but Hyungwon knew now that Hoseok was able to make him feel so much better.

"Shit, please give me another," he gasped and rolled his hips slightly, unable to help the way his dick twitched.

He saw the boy's dick lift up from his stomach as a reaction to his groan and to his words, followed by another digit, spreading him and pushing right where it felt good.

"Hyungwon, I'm dying, I want you so much, you can't even imagine my sight right now, fucking hell."

_ He must be seeing it all. _

Hyungwon whimpered and simply bent forward, holding onto Hoseok's hips as he moaned and focused on the way the other boy kept pumping his fingers in and out of him.

_ But you want him, you know exactly how fucking good it feels. Just say it. _

"Fuck me," he whispered, clenching around the fingers and imagining how it would feel if it was the boy's thick length. "Shit, please fuck me, Hoseok."

The fingers left him so quickly that he didn't have the time to miss them as Hoseok pulled him down and turned him to the side, moaning at his own movements. The lube clicked again and he felt the boy's tip against his entrance. The position was familiar. It was the same as the first time that he felt Hoseok's erection between his butt cheeks and got curious.

His heart was hammering in his chest and he leaned his head back against the other boy, wondering if it was going to be more difficult again, now that time has passed. His body was burning up, but he still did his best to relax as he imagined Hoseok slipping inside of him and taking up all the space.

He felt the boy's warm lips against his shoulder, kissing up to his neck as the pressure increased gradually. The touches were so gentle and affectionate, combined with the arousing thoughts and the twitches of Hoseok's erection against him before it slipped past the tight ring, pulling a desperate low moan out of Hoseok's mouth that went right to his groin. 

Hyungwon gasped, taking deep breaths as the fullness increased and he expected discomfort, but there was barely any. The only sensation that remained was his desire to move his hips against Hoseok's and feel the slide accompanied by the boy's low moans.

Chewing on his cheek, he pushed back carefully, speeding up the process until his butt met Hoseok's groin and he felt like the other boy was taking over him.

"Shit, I like this so much, fucking shit, Hoseok," he mumbled and rolled his hips in a circle once, enjoying the feeling too much to stay still.

His boyfriend was holding onto him and moaning, accompanied by occasional twitches and additional stimulation to his nipples.

"Can I move? I can't describe this, I feel like dying and being reborn while feeling everything at once, Holy fuck," Hoseok moaned and began to move, groaning and twitching inside him. 

The brief motion felt so good that Hyungwon reached out and buried his nails in the boy's hips, pushing him even deeper as he moaned against the sheets, already feeling delirious.

"Please move," he muttered and hoped that it was loud enough for Hoseok to hear. "Fuck me deep, I kept imagining it so much, shit."

Hoseok cursed and wrapped one hand around his hips before moving back and rolling his hips into him repeatedly, strong grip keeping him in place. His boyfriend was liking it so much, gorgeous sounds spilling from the curved lips like a mantra.

"Yes, just- just like that," he hissed before being interrupted by a low scream that shook his whole body. He had wanted exactly this, to have Hoseok take him while losing himself in how amazing his body felt. "Shit, you're driving me mad, please don't stop."

Hoseok did exactly the opposite, stopping his movements and pushing him against the sheets before settling on top of him and filling him out so deep that he gasped. "Is this okay?" the boy asked naively.

"Fuck yes," Hyungwon hissed before whimpering and burying his face in the sheets. The feeling was so intense that he still felt the pleasure burn in his groin even though Hoseok wasn't moving. "I won't hold out, I'll fucking die, shit, please fuck me."

When Hoseok started moving, it was clear that there was no hope. The angle was heaven and combined with the gorgeous, low moans that sounded completely gone there wasn't much Hyungwon could do. His orgasm was almost like a punch, sudden despite the onslaught of pleasure and causing his whole body to shake uncontrollably with the aftermath. He didn't even need any additional stimulation, as even the sensitivity afterwards didn't keep him from whimpering and begging when Hoseok continued his thrusts.

"God, this feels completely insane, fuck," the low voice groaned before Hoseok filled him out till the brim and twitched, orgasming inside him with a few curses, his name and pleading to allow him to have more. 

_ He must like it so much too. _

Hyungwon felt a little dizzy and took a few deep breaths, clenching around the other boy's length involuntarily.

"You can have me whenever you like," he whispered once he trusted his voice to produce words and fought with his libido that kept telling him to just continue and have more if he was already prepared.

_ You're fucking crazy and he's the one driving you mad. _

"I will keep being hard as long as this thing is inside me. But you know what, Hyungwon? You're the only person I can let go with," the boy whispered, lying on top of him and placing a kiss behind his ear, hips drawing circles as if on purpose. 

He whimpered and lifted his butt, pushing against the other boy and moaning softly. Letting go was something they had in common because Hyungwon forgot everything as soon as Hoseok took over.

"Then how about you let go some more?" he asked quietly and clenched on purpose, wondering if it was enough to get more, to not seem weird for wanting to repeat the whole thing and keep screaming Hoseok's name. "Show me that I'm yours."

"But I don't think about having or not having you. I'm simply thankful that you're next to me and that I can feel as if I'm flying because you are able to make me feel like that. You're the only one who can." The familiar voice sounded so genuine, whispering in his ear before he felt another movement. "But I really want to let go again."

_ You're still the one who tries to keep him for yourself, to hide him away with you. _

Hyungwon moaned and bit down on his bottom lip, containing a whimper. A single movement was enough to make him yearn for orgasm and consider begging for the pink-haired boy to go faster.

"Then let go," he whispered and let his eyes flutter shut. "With me."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Only One came to an end.
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_ Aren't you using his weaknesses for yourself? _

It was remarkable that the thoughts came back as soon as he didn't feel like exploding at every single movement. His head was doing an amazing job at keeping him on the edge. It went from feeling like shit, even though Hyungwon did an amazing job rimming him, only because his body tensed at the memories that the position evoked, to feeling overwhelming pleasure at the plug paired with the movements of his hips and the sensation of Hyungwon's warm, tight body surrounding him. 

After they both came and he was still greedy for more, he blamed it on the toy inside him. Hyungwon's words reached his brain, asking him to show that he was his.

_ You know he's like that only because he feels scared with anybody else. You somehow managed to make him feel safe, but you're still using the fact that he is anxious for yourself. To keep him around. _

Maybe his parents fucked him up in more ways than one. Maybe they made him become the terrible person he was. 

_ Must be awesome to have somebody to blame. _

He shook his head and moved his hips once again, feeling the tingling in his groin that overshadowed the pressuring thoughts. He felt terrible because he was very aware of the fact that he had gotten a gorgeous, caring boyfriend and money from his parents because Hyungwon felt attached to him. He knew that it was because the beautiful black-haired boy felt scared about a lot of things and probably thought that Hoseok was his only salvation.

_ That's why you need to go with him. To visit Jooheon's mom. To show him that he can choose the people he wants to stay with. That it's only because of his condition. _

He was scared, but he also knew that he had to do it. Hyungwon told him that he couldn't go alone, so it was his responsibility to help, even if it meant risking being left behind. Alone.

"I love you," he whispered into the curled ear after leaning in and covering the boy's long, slim body with his own, careful not to squish him. He wanted to hug him tightly to show how scared he was, but Hyungwon was a fruit too, wasn't he? A soft one.

"I love you too," the black-haired boy whispered back and used his right arm to reach behind himself and stroke over Hoseok's head. "You make me happy."

"But you can be so much happier and I'll help you, I promise."

He turned them, laying on his back and wrapping his hands around Hyungwon's thighs, spreading them and lifting them, hips moving sensually to not be too rough. The boy might be sensitive after his orgasm. Hoseok loved the weight and it felt intimate to have so many points of contact. 

"Will you be happy with me then?" the low voice asked, strained from the pleasure as Hyungwon whimpered and buried his hands in the sheets above Hoseok's head.

"I don't know, but whatever happens I'll be happy for you because there's nothing better than to see your smile. It's my favourite thing in this world." Encouraged by the sounds, he tried moving faster. The angle must be amazing and the plug made him feel harder than ever.

Hyungwon moaned and tightened his grip on the sheets, not replying anymore as he probably wasn't able to, hips attempting to meet his and body contracting around him repeatedly. It didn't take long for the gorgeous boy to become delirious and whisper praise and encouragement, telling him how good he made him feel and how much he wanted him. Hoseok felt a little ashamed for liking it so much, but he wouldn't have been Hoseok if he behaved like a normal human.

"Fuck, please praise me more," he moaned into the tiny ear and started thrusting rougher in the last bit of the motion. "I want to know that I can make you feel good, please."

"You're fucking- perfect, shit- please don't stop," Hyungwon mumbled and reached for his pink hair, tugging at it with each thrust. Hoseok couldn't tell whether it was on purpose, but the strength with which the other boy pulled told him everything he needed to know. It was even a little painful when he got rougher and Hyungwon threw his head back, begging him to do it again.

_ You love it. _

Maybe he was a weirdo, no, he was most definitely a weirdo, but the way Hyungwon pulled at his hair and praised him made him feel protected and safe, even worthy in a way. The words encouraged him to go harder, to make the boy see stars. His hips slammed into the warm tightness of Hyungwon's body and he felt his next orgasm approach. 

"I'm yours. Fuck- I'm yours, please keep me," he groaned.

Hyungwon didn't reply to that as the black-haired boy wasn't able to, whimpering from the onslaught of pleasure as he convulsed around him and covered his stomach in his release, struggling to catch his breath. Hoseok could tell how all tension disappeared from the slim body and he suddenly felt Hyungwon's weight, even if it wasn't much.

"Shit, you drive me absolutely nuts," the low voice muttered as Hyungwon pulled at his hair again and lifted his legs a little higher. "Fuck me up."

Hoseok wasn't very confident in a lot of things, but fucking Hyungwon up, as in fucking himself up was definitely manageable. Tightening his grip on the boy's thighs, he moved, thrusting roughly until he released himself with a loud groan, burying himself as deep as the position allowed.

"I love you so fucking much, fuck, you make me feel so safe," he whispered, feeling his sweat run down his temples. They were so good at creating a mess out of their bed.

Hyungwon hummed and took a few deep breaths before reaching out for the tissues next to the bed and attempting to reduce the mess as he climbed off of him.

"This wasn't very effective," he mumbled and grimaced. "I wish we could just curl up and not give a shit about bodily fluids and stay in bed forever. But then there are responsibilities and-" 

The distinct sound of Hyungwon's phone ringing echoed through the room and Hoseok could immediately see the black-haired boy get pale despite the red blush that had been there only seconds ago.

_ Did something happen? _

Hoseok crawled to the edge of the bed and took the smartphone out of Hyungwon's jeans, staring at Jooheon's number. Not thinking further, he picked up.

"Listen, I know that you're scared. That's the thing: you're scared but you need to work on that and the only, I repeat, the only way to do it is therapy, okay? So grab Hoseok by the balls and come here tomorrow. Ten. My mom said you should definitely come after seeing your results. This seems serious." Jooheon stopped talking and finally gave him the time and space to say that he wasn't Hyungwon.

"Ah, even better. Grab him and come here tomorrow at ten. Don't let him give you any excuses. He feels nauseous? Doesn't matter. He is ill? Bullshit. Panic attack? Sucks, but you still have to come, okay? It's important, Hoseok, it's your responsibility too now because you're a person that is close to him so you better not support his avoidance behavior. Don't think it will benefit him in any way, it won't."

He complied and said that they'd come before hanging up and looking at Hyungwon who was staring at him in shock, breaths way too fast to be healthy and fingers digging into his thighs, leaving white marks.

"He said that it's important that we go and I will come with you and not leave until you want me to," he whispered, feeling like an asshole who forced the person he loved to do terrible things.

_ But Jooheon said that it's the only thing that will help. _

He crawled over and wrapped his arms around the slim body, pulling him closer and kissing his trembling lips. 

"But what if I have a panic attack, what if I'm not even somebody with a disorder but just a dude who can't get his shit together? What are my parents supposed to think? They'll think I'm mentally ill." Suddenly a sob shook Hyungwon's body and the black-haired boy hid his face in his neck, crying bitterly as he enumerated even more reasons for not wanting to go and everything turning out badly.

"First of all, there's nothing wrong and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Mental illness is just like any other illness. What if Jooheon's mom can teach you how to go out and do all those things, what if you will be able to meet people without having those thoughts, what if you can finally breathe without having a panic attack and fearing immediate humiliation wherever you go, what if you become happy and won't need me anymore? Even then, we still have to go to find out," Hoseok whispered and stroked over Hyungwon's completely messed up hair, carefully placing the strands back and brushing them against the boy's scalp with trembling fingers.

"I'll never not need you," the low voice sobbed as arms tightened around him and Hyungwon attempted to melt into their embrace. "I'll go, I'll fucking go, but I'm so scared."

"I would say I know, but I don't, Hyungwon. I have no fucking idea how bad it must be for you to feel like this, I'm so sorry. I will do whatever it takes to help you. You're not alone in this." He abandoned all his worries about adequate behavior and hugged Hyungwon as tightly as he could, until there was only their hot bodies in a single feeling of warmth. 

"Thank you, thank you so fucking much for being with me even though I'm like this," the black-haired boy sobbed and kept shaking in his arms as the seconds ticked by and Hoseok realised that Hyungwon's fear was something that he wasn't able to defeat on his own.

_

It was nine and he sat in front of the bathroom door. He should have trusted his first instinct that told him that letting his unusually pale boyfriend into the bathroom by himself wasn't a good idea.

"Come out, Hyungwon. We don't have much time and I still wanted to play the station-naming game on the way. It's so much fun," he murmured, trying to think about ways to open the door without damaging it.

"I'll- I'll need a while, maybe we should reschedule it," Hyungwon mumbled from the other side, over the sound of water from the shower. He had been showering for over 40 minutes already.

"Hyungwon, we will go together, as promised, but for that you have to come out. I have to pee," he lied.

_ Why did you think he would just get ready and come with you if he was crying his eyes out yesterday? Are you stupid? _

He simply didn't understand how his boyfriend could be so terrified.

"But- I still need to finish some things." The insecurity in the other boy's voice told him that Hyungwon didn't even know what those things were. "It's a Friday, maybe another day would be better, when she isn't tired after a long week. And you actually have a lecture, you could go there instead of the appointment."

_ For fuck's sake. _

"Listen, I'm really not violent, but I will open the door and carry you there bridal style, naked if I have to. Would that be better? Sounds exciting and you'll forget that you're scared. Mrs. Lee is an amazing professional and she is a proper doctor and everything, so she'll be able to explain it to you nicely." Hoseok got up and scratched on the door, begging quietly. He really didn't want to damage anything.

The water in the shower turned off and there were steps, interestingly way faster than Hyungwon could have jumped out of the shower. 

"You're not actually going to break the door, right?" the low voice asked and he could tell the other boy was standing right there. Now he only needed to open it.

"What do you think? Does my body look as if I could break it? If you come out now I'll let you fuck my mouth and pull my hair to get you a little less scared, how does it sound?" Hoseok played dirty, but he promised Jooheon and his boyfriend didn't know that people without private insurance had to wait three months for an appointment.

_ He would tell you that those people deserve it more and he wouldn't go. _

Suddenly the door opened, but Hyungwon didn't look particularly fond of a blowjob. The boy's eyes were red from crying and his face was unusually pale.

"I'm so fucking scared," Hyungwon whispered and simply sank to the ground, fully dressed and with dry hair.

_ Oh no. _

"But what are you scared of?" He crouched down and wrapped his arms around his miserable-looking boyfriend. To be honest, Hyungwon still looked stunning even when being miserable. "Tell me what you're afraid of."

"That- that everything will be terrible," the low voice whispered and Hyungwon seemed to realise that wasn't specific, so he tried to elaborate. "That she'll laugh because it's my own problem and she has people with serious problems to deal with. And I'll have a panic attack and then everybody there will see."

"Okay, so first of all, you have me. I'll hug you tightly and make you breathe properly. Secondly, Mrs. Lee only has an assistant and is alone in her office. Jooheon won't be there. I mean, I had a tiny mole on my dick and went to the urologist when I was at the hospital and then the doc brought that student group and they all looked at my dick and some also touched the mole, so that was kind of weird, and that student looked good so I almost got hard, that was really fun. Sorry I got sidetracked." He smiled and stroked over the boy's head, messing up his carefully styled hair. 

"I would have just died," Hyungwon mumbled and took a few deep breaths. "But what if something else happens? Will you be there? I don't even know what I need to prepare. I'm super unprepared."

"Nothing. She will ask things I guess, but I will be next to you. I'll even sit next to you if you like. I've been there twice already. No matter what happens…" he whispered and cupped Hyungwon's face, staring into the boy's beautiful brown eyes "No matter what, I'll be next to you, okay? As long as you need me." 

Hyungwon didn't say anything, but nodded, slowly releasing his grip.

The boy stayed silent throughout the trip and even when he played his station-naming game, he only looked at his feet, squeezing his hand once in a while. Looking at the person he loved being a shadow of himself hurt in a way he didn't consider possible. 

_ You're not really a help, are you? _

The thought hurt too, but he kept his smile throughout and joked, told stories that were more funny than sad and tried to distract the boy as much as he could till they reached the familiar door.

"Okay, we're here. If you think a panic attack is imminent we can wait until it's over and go inside," he murmured.

Hyungwon didn't reply and only inhaled quickly, squeezing his hand while not daring to look up. He didn't need to be an expert to know that the other boy was fighting with himself, eyes wide and feet barely moving forward.

"What if she asks me questions and I can't answer?" his boyfriend suddenly asked as his breaths got even faster. "I- I won't be able to answer. I won't be able to say anything and she'll think I'm rude and crazy."

"Nah, I think she's seen all kinds of people and is very tolerant towards other people's behaviour. Apart from me. I'm the only one, but it's due to personal reasons. I will help you answer questions, or ask the same question so you can answer me, it's okay. We can do this." Hoseok smiled in reassurance and leaned in to kiss the boy's thick lips.

Even that wasn't enough to make Hyungwon look up, but the black-haired boy nodded again, squeezing his hand so tightly that it hurt a little.

"It will be okay, but it's okay that you're scared now. We can do this," Hoseok murmured, not confident about anything at all and pressed the bell until they got buzzed through and went inside, meeting Dr. Lee who greeted them without any hint of the usual hostility she displayed towards Hoseok. 

"You must be Hyungwon, or Mr. Chae. As you like," Jooheon's mom said and took Hyungwon's hand, shaking it briefly. 

As anticipated his boyfriend didn't say anything and merely nodded, holding the air in his lungs as if he was scared to breathe. Despite remaining quiet, Hyungwon followed Hoseok to the two chairs that were in the office and sat down.

"I'm glad that you came and also thank you for coming along, Hoseok. It's always hard to make the first step. Before we start talking, which I saw is very hard for you, I will give you a scale. It's an anxiety scale and I would like you to write down how scared you are right now." Dr. Lee placed a sheet in front of Hyungwon along with a pen. 

That seemed to be easier, as Hyungwon nodded and grabbed the pen, hands shaking. He marked the paper, only allowing himself a few deep breaths before placing the pen on the table and pushing the sheet back. It felt so strange to see him like this.

_ He must have felt like this so many times without you noticing. _

"Mhm. I see. It must be very hard to be in this kind of situation, especially considering that you don't know me. I also won't tell you to stop worrying, but we will talk for a bit, if that's okay. Let's start with yes or no questions and you can gesture and don't need to say anything if you feel bad. In between, I will ask you to mark your level of anxiety on the sheet once again, is it okay?" Jooheon's mom smiled at him for no reason and Hoseok was so surprised that he pointed at himself mouthing 'me?'.

Hyungwon didn't realise because he wasn't looking and merely nodded again, squeezing Hoseok's hand. The boy's gaze was focused on his knees, but it also seemed a little better than right before they left when he was crying.

Dr. Lee asked his boyfriend about his childhood, different situations, his reactions and strategies to deal with them while asking to mark his anxiety levels. Hoseok was shaken at how terrible it must have been until now to be scared to go out, to talk to people, to keep in contact with people he liked. He couldn't even imagine it.

The more questions about his issues Dr. Lee asked, the less Hyungwon focused on his knees. He slowly began to look up, even if he still kept playing with his fingers. Maybe he realised that Jooheon's mom didn't blame him for the way he felt. Despite the change in his posture, his boyfriend kept holding onto his hand. Hyungwon still didn't really talk, but at least he didn't only nod to answer questions and sometimes said a word or two.

"I'll give you some questionnaires to fill out at home but I can show you something cool before we meet next time." Smiling, Dr. Lee took the sheet and showed Hyungwon how his marked anxiety significantly reduced during their talk. "See? You were very scared when you came here. You're still uncomfortable now, but you're not about to faint from fear, so it does improve, right? I will show you how we can make it improve more and control it next time. It was really nice meeting you, Hyungwon. And thank you too, Hoseok, for coming along." The tall woman stood up and shook their hands with a smile before putting an envelope in Hyungwon's hands." See you on Monday and have an amazing day, you two."

"Thank you," Hyungwon muttered, eyes wide from what Jooheon's mom just showed him as he made his way towards the door and quickly left the office along with Hoseok. The black-haired boy clutched onto the envelope with both hands. He had let go of Hoseok when he accepted the questionnaires. "Oh my god, what am I going to do now?"

Even though his boyfriend sounded worried, his face seemed surprised, like he genuinely didn't know what was going to happen now and what seeing Dr. Lee meant for him.

"Ehm, fill- fill out those questionnaires and come back Monday?" Hoseok tried, unsure what exactly Jooheon's mom meant with all those things, but Hyungwon didn't have a panic attack and didn't cry either, so that was good. "She… asked some personal things, are you sure it's okay that I'm hanging around?"

Hyungwon's eyes widened and the taller boy grabbed his wrist, as if he was scared that Hoseok was going to disappear any second.

_ At least you're a help. _

"Of course it is! I would have died there without you," the black-haired boy muttered and sighed loudly. "But I mean something else. Does that mean she can help me? Will it get better? Is there something wrong with me? I don't fucking know."

"Ah, there definitely is!" he replied cheerfully, nodded and squeezed Hyungwon's hand before realising how dumb that sounded. "What I mean is, she doesn't invite you again if there's nothing wrong with you, so there must be issues. But Jooheon said so too. He wouldn't care so much otherwise. I liked that anxiety thingy where one could see how you got less scared, that was really cool. That means it goes away, right? And she said she could teach you things, that's super cool. And you're so lucky that you have access to help easily because of your insurance. Jooheon said it's fucked up but you're lucky."

"Oh, because it's private? Is it more difficult otherwise?" Hyungwon looked like he really didn't know, observing him curiously while holding onto the questionnaires with one hand. "Are you sure that there aren't people who need it more than me?" 

"You're not the one to decide. You definitely need that help if Dr. Lee thinks so and isn't it amazing if you can improve? Imagine not having panic attacks anymore? How cool would that be?" Hoseok giggled and jumped around the black-haired boy, pulling his yellow hood tighter around his face.

"That- that'd be magical," Hyungwon whispered and looked emotional suddenly, chewing on his cheek. "But I don't want to hope too much. My anxiety also gets less when I meet somebody new and have to talk to them. That doesn't mean that I can go and meet other people now, I'd still freak out."

"Not now. It'll probably take time. And you have to fill out those questionnaires, so it's probably a lot of work. And I have to find out what the lecture covered cause your mom said to have good grades otherwise the money isn't worth it." Hoseok suddenly remembered all his problems at once.

"I'm- I'm sorry, shit, you missed it because of me." Hyungwon fumbled with his coat and got out a pink lollipop. Hoseok had no idea where it suddenly came from but it had the exact same colour as his hair. "This is- super random, but I saw it and bought it two days ago and had to think of you. I didn't get to give it to you yet and it doesn't solve your problems, but it's strawberry and you really like strawberry chewing gum, so- ah, fuck. Nevermind, I'm fucking sorry you missed the lecture because of my issues."

"I think my parents, or the way I grew up, it - whatever it was - fucked with my head. I keep thinking super scary things that sound like the truth but are at the same time not true, at least for most people. Thinking logically, they can't be true for me either, apart from if I'm an alien. Do you think I'm an alien? I don't know," he murmured, almost crying at the sight of a pink lollipop. He was indeed fucked in the head, but at the same time crying was okay and meant that one felt a lot, didn't it?

_ Be thankful that he doesn't know what kind of mess your head is. _

His boyfriend's facial expression changed and he placed the questionnaires into his leather bag before stepping closer.

"I don't think you're an alien," Hyungwon replied softly and wrapped his arms around him, lollipop remaining in the boy's hand. "I told you before, I think you're a wonderful person, but too many people have told you that you're not, so you ended up believing it. It's not true and you deserve everything, be it financial support, or me."

"That sounds so nice. That pink lollipop made me emotional, I'm sorry. I told Jooheon's mom about my Ritalin history and that my parents thought that I have ADHD, but she did the tests and she said I don't and that I should sue them for child abuse and severe emotional damage and got angry when I said that I can't." Hoseok took the lollipop because Hyungwon mentioned that it was his and unwrapped it, sucking on it intently while walking backwards. Would he fall on his face again? It was exciting, especially in winter when it was slippery even though the first snow hadn't come yet.

_ You love snow so much. _

"Your parents gave you Ritalin even though you didn't need it?" Hyungwon's eyes widened, but he followed him, visibly thinking about how to put his thoughts into words. "But I don't understand why you cannot sue them. They did so many terrible things, Hoseok. They don't support you and they even forcefully take away your money. A few of the things they did are criminal acts on their own, but the whole package is just crazy. Don't you want at least a little bit of justice for what they did to you?"

"Justice? What does that mean? That it will make it undone, or make me feel better? I don't think it will, so I don't understand the point of it. In addition, it's not as if they're the only ones at fault. Who would do all those things to an innocent person? So there must've been things that were terrible about me. We're even now, I guess, so I'm trying to slowly separate myself."

_ What separating? They threw you out. Without clothes. _

He sighed and massaged one temple through the hood, sucking the strawberry taste from the lollipop. 

"That's not true. They would have done that to anybody. Your dad terrorised me and he didn't even know me. Some people are like that, Hoseok, they- they do terrible things." Hyungwon kept his hands in his pockets and bit down on his bottom lip. "I know that it won't make it undone, but it might help you get support. Financial support that they didn't give you, but that they'll have to pay as compensation."

"But he terrorised you because you know me," he commented and emphasised it by tapping his index finger against his temple. "But yeah, he definitely shouldn't terrorise you. He shouldn't come near you at all, he's scary." Sighing loudly, Hoseok wished he had normal parents that would be nice to Hyungwon and help him with stuff, just like the boy's parents did with him. "Suing them for money would be so weird to me. Ah, and I'm not sure whether I should reduce my working hours because I basically lied in your mom's face about being a 'friend', so they'll probably change their mind anyway."

"They won't, you only think that." Hyungwon sighed and reached out to wrap his long arm around his shoulders and drag him along with him, thereby keeping him from walking backwards. "Listen up, Bunny. If you don't want to believe that my parents like you, then believe in contracts. That stuff is serious. Even if they don't like us dating, you'll still get support for as long as the contract states and you will still need to reduce your working hours and have good grades. You also need a bank account by the way. My mom asked me to make one with you online because I'm good at that."

"Wow, that sounds serious. Like you're a real adult." Hoseok giggled and picked up his phone that had been buzzing in his jeans for the past minute.

"Oh my god, Hoseok, did you know why mom didn't like you?" Jooheon's voice sounded from the speaker. He hummed in agreement. Mrs. Lee didn't like him because he was fucked in the head.

"No, you will never imagine. She told me today that she was happy to see you and that you were so caring with Hyungwon, so- long story short, she thought we were dating and she didn't like that, but I told her again, that we're only friends and she believed it this time because of Hyungwon. Can you believe that? Ridiculous shit. Also, Hyungwon definitely needs help and he'll get it, she already made a plan and I looked into her file without permission and read that he's receptive, so it won't be very hard. I'm happy and I also won't look through the files anymore." 

Hoseok barely registered the onslaught before it was already over.

"What the hell just happened?" Hyungwon asked next to him and pulled the lollipop out of his mouth to get his attention, waving it around.

"It was Jooheon. Apparently, his mom didn't like me because she thought I was dating him, but now it's apparently fine, because she knows that I'm not," he murmured. "Ah, and that you're receptive and that it'll be fine."

"Receptive as in receptive to medication? That's the only context I know it in, which sounds like she thinks she can help me." The black-haired boy fumbled with his fingers and looked a little happy until he must have realised something. "Did you and Jooheon do something that made her think that? Like- like we did in the beginning? But then… even if- you're super nice! Or did she want him to have a girl with a good education and stuff?" 

_ If only you knew why people don't like you. _

"I don't know. We never did anything apart from hugging and him tattooing me. But yeah, I don't know. I must be a very unattractive dating choice. He meant that you're able to follow instructions and things like that, so it won't be hard to work with you. He also said that he won't look in the files without permission anymore and apologised." Hoseok felt strange, something about Jooheon's words disturbed him, but he couldn't really pinpoint what it was. Observing the lollipop for a second, he leaned forward and caught it with his mouth, pulling it out of Hyungwon's hand.

His boyfriend chuckled and seemed happy about the part concerning his future outlook.

"That's because she has no idea. Like my mom, she also didn't like you at first because she thought you were using me and didn't actually care about me, but now she knows that it's different." Ruffling his hair, Hyungwon pulled him along the street until he realised that he didn't know where to go and they had to take public transit. "Fuck, why didn't we just drive."

"Because it's fun to take the tram and it's good for the environment." Smiling shyly with his lollipop between his lips, Hoseok pulled the boy until they arrived at the station. It was rather full, so he glanced over to make sure Hyungwon was okay with all the people around.

The black-haired boy obviously wasn't as he preferred to stare at their feet and pretend that he was invisible.

"Will you play the game again?" Hyungwon asked quietly and shifted a little. "It makes me really nervous, but I also like it when people stop looking. It feels like I'm not that ridiculous to look at anymore."

"I play it often when I'm in a weird mood, to shift the thoughts and my attention to the outside, it helps and it's similar to Dr. Lee’s anxiety spectrum. First it's super weird and feels wrong, but then after some time it lessens and it's just funny until it becomes irrelevant." They entered the tram and he felt the boy's arms wrap around him from behind. He loved how safe it made him feel even though Hyungwon was the scared one. 

"Then let's play, but I won't look until you say that they don't care anymore, okay?" the other boy whispered and pressed his cheek into Hoseok's yellow hood. It felt really nice.

"Okay, let's do it. Next stop is 'Bismarckplatz'. The louder you are, the cooler it is." He held onto the boy's arm, stroking over the fine hairs with his thumb and squeezing lightly.

"You mean that I have to yell it?" Hyungwon sounded nervous and moved even closer. "Will you- will you count?" 

"Yes. Let's yell together. One… Two… Three," he said before saying the station name loudly and grinning at the people who turned around to look. Hyungwon had joined in, but it was no more than a whisper. The other boy must still be nervous.

Hoseok patted Hyungwon's arm and giggled. "You're doing absolutely amazing, next station we will do even better, I love their faces." As soon as they got going, he told Hyungwon the station name and counted again, announcing the nest stop way better than the recorded voice.

_ Will he feel at ease? _

Again Hyungwon joined him, a little louder this time and the grip around his waist became less desperate and more affectionate.

"This is so weird," the black-haired boy muttered, but he sounded like he was smiling.

_ He can do it, Hoseok. He can do it all. _

"Yeah, but I'm weird too, thank you for appreciating Hoseok culture." He grinned, happy that the black-haired boy decided to join him even though it was hard. After the third time people barely cared, so he tapped his boyfriend's cheek and whispered the next station name.

Hyungwon lifted his head, but didn't look around, nodding once to show that he was ready. As soon as Hoseok counted to three, both of them yelled it through the tram, but as expected nobody really cared anymore. Only a grandma that probably struggled to hear the stations and preferred to listen to them.

"Cool, right? You know what's interesting? I somehow struggle to get attention and often feel lonely, trying to be a leech and holding onto people, jumping around and being noisy, while you are afraid of attention and what comes with it, but that makes you feel lonely too, right? It's like we're the lonely ones, so similar but so different." He smiled and took the boy's hand pulling him out of the tram and towards their street.

"I'd prefer it if we were the only ones," Hyungwon replied and smiled back, cheeks lifting up. "Just you and me."

"Let's do it. You'll be my only one and I'll be yours. Who can stop us, right?" He could already see the door of their apartment so he decided that it was okay to take the boy and lift him bridal style, twirl him in the air and laugh in his face because he felt so happy suddenly. "I love you, Hyungwon," he said.

"I love you too," the dazzling black-haired boy replied, eyes turning into crescents and arms wrapping tightly around him.

_ You've never felt this loved, have you? _

He was so beautiful, his boyfriend, with his big brown eyes and a stunning smile pushing his cheeks up and revealing his straight teeth. Hoseok was willing to do anything, only to be able to stay around and be allowed to see him happy like that.

To be happy like that. 

***

Staring at the big brown eyes of his reflection and the plump lips that looked even bigger right after waking up, Hyungwon wondered how often changes happened on the inside but not on the outside.

He looked exactly the same, at least as far as he could tell. His eyebrows were still kinda bushy and there was a mole on his bottom lip, the one that Hoseok liked so much.

_ You kissed it last night, but on his skin. _

Hyungwon thought of what it was like before meeting Hoseok, there had been so much more fear and loneliness. There was only him and his inability to talk to people he liked, preferring to kiss and make out instead.

_ Only to never see them again because you were too scared. _

But despite feeling lonely at home, Hyungwon had still refused to go out, to meet new people and to buy coffee on his own. All these things remained difficult. The difference was that instead of his parents doing them for him, Hoseok did.

_ But now, that might change. _

He was scared, of course he was. How could he still be himself, if he wasn't terrified of trying something new, of talking to a therapist and trying to fight his fear. But what if it worked in the end? What if this terrible feeling in his chest became manageable, if he could go out and buy a package of strawberries if he really wanted to?

It sounded utopian, but he wanted it so much. Hyungwon wanted it to work and for his brain to adapt and become like everybody else's. Information that Mrs. Lee gave him explained that it was just the feeling that he had, not because the situation was really scary or terrible.

_ She'll try to help you control your feelings. _

He wanted to share with his parents, but it was too early. Hyungwon didn't even know if it was helping yet. He had only been to three sessions so far, all of them with Hoseok and the next one was supposed to be without.

_ Because he has lectures and he can't always come with you. You have to learn to do it on your own. _

Telling his parents about getting therapy would have to wait, especially since Hyungwon had other news to share first.

Slipping into his jeans and a t-shirt in his bedroom, he grabbed his phone and called the familiar number. It felt better to talk while being dressed, then he could pretend that he was less nervous.

"Hi mom," he commented as soon as he heard his mother's voice and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I have some news."

"News? I hope it's only good and not bad news. Are you feeling alright? You haven't called much recently," his mother remarked and Hyungwon heard her sit down.

"There is a lot going on at university," he replied, mostly saying the truth even though the exam phase was something he could deal with. He studied a lot and as long as he focused, he was going to do well. "But I actually wanted to tell you something else. I- I have a boyfriend."

It was quiet on the other end of the line until he heard his mom shift.

"That's amazing, honey! How did you meet him, is he nice to you?" the low female voice exclaimed as enthusiasm took over the silence.

_ She seems really happy for you. _

"Yeah, he's really nice to me. You… actually know him already. It's Hoseok." Hyungwon swallowed after the words were out. Sure, his parents were super nice, but he still didn't know how they would react to dating news. After all, he never dated before.

This time the silence stretched much longer than after the first announcement. When there was shifting but no words, Hyungwon started getting nervous.

"Mom?"

"Oh, don't worry honey, I'm still here. I'm merely thinking about this. I'm happy for you, really, but are you sure that it is a good idea?" His mother sighed and Hyungwon immediately knew he was about to get a lecture. "You're somebody who already has so much to deal with on your own. Hoseok isn't an easy person, I can tell he had a difficult childhood and his parents were barely there for him. Do you think you can replace all that? It's a lot of work."

_ She thinks Hoseok is too much work for you, even though he constantly helps you with your own issues. _

"But if he has his own issues, isn't that even more reason to help him? He's doing so much for me, mom. I didn't just randomly decide this. I'm- I'm in love with him."

"That's lovely, Hyungwon, love is a beautiful thing. I just mean that you should think about this, about your career, about his future outlook, how much you might have to support him later on." His mother sounded very pragmatic, going through points as if she had a whole fucking list.

"Then I'll support him. I don't care about that, mom. I want to be with him. You're even financing him so that he has better chances for a job later on. Why are you so worried about this?" Hyungwon couldn't believe that his mom reacted this way despite liking Hoseok and even buying him presents.

_ Maybe it's always different when it's about love. _

"Well, yes, but it's still sociology and you cannot be sure about his chances. I just don't want you to use all your energy on helping him when you need so much for yourself." His mom sounded caring, but her words only made him angry.

"Mom, you have no idea. He's literally investing all his time to help me with my problems right now instead of simply doing everything for himself. He's doing so much, but that's not even the point. I like him! Can't I just like whoever I want?" 

"Of course you can and I won't stop you from dating him, Hyungwon. I'm just hoping that you'll keep these things in mind." Sighing, his mother shifted the phone from one ear to the other.

"Don't you dare be mean to him only because we are dating. I love him and I won't let you make him sad. He's- he's vulnerable." Hyungwon didn't know why he shared that with his mother, but the mere thought that somebody could make Hoseok cry made him furious. The pink-haired boy was precious.

"I would never do that. I still genuinely like him, Hyungwon. I just don't know if he is the right person for you. But I guess time will tell. I will tell your father so that he can get used to the thought. Please don't eat too much instant food."

As if the conversation was over just like that, his mother hung up and Hyungwon felt even more lost and nervous than he had before.

Sure, his mother would never force him to separate, but the thought that she didn't think Hoseok was a good enough person to be with, hurt. To Hyungwon he was perfect and he couldn't imagine anybody else. He didn't even want to imagine anybody else.

_ But she doesn't know. She doesn't see how much you care about him and how safe he makes you feel. Maybe you need to show her. _

Hyungwon wasn't somebody who dared to do a lot of things, but making sure that his family liked his boyfriend was important to him.

_ You have to make them understand before he finds out. _

_

Hyungwon's heart was beating furiously when he heard the sound of keys in the door and was met with the glorious sight of Hoseok in his fluffy yellow jacket. As if that wasn't enough, the pink-haired boy also wore the yellow pullover that his mom gave him right under it.

_ He really is the sun. _

"How was university?" Hyungwon asked, still feeling a little weird about not having to ask about work because Hoseok only worked 15 hours a week now. He had his phone clutched in his right hand and felt really stupid about what he wanted to do, but he felt stupid most of the time, so that wasn't really new.

"I was at the lecture. It was about intersectionalities in class, race, gender & sexuality. It was super interesting and I really liked it. How are you? Did you do your therapy homework?" The boy smiled brightly and slipped out of his jacket.

Hyungwon nodded at that, remembering the diary he had to keep and the notes he had to make on when he felt like he was close to a panic attack and to write down an anxiety hierarchy.

"Do you… think we could take a picture while doing something nice?" he finally tried and felt even more stupid. Most people did something nice and _ then _ wanted to take a picture. Hyungwon had to be the exception of course, wanting to take a picture and not knowing of what.

"A picture of us doing something nice? You mean sex? I'm not sure how we can take it though. A selfie? But that only works if I'm on top of you or something. Or you could take one when I suck you off. From the dom angle." His boyfriend smiled cheerfully and placed his bag on the floor, slipping out of his shoes and being absolutely serious.

_ Oh god, definitely not that kind of picture. _

"No, I- Holy shit, Hoseok. That's like amateur porn. I meant- we never really took pictures together, you and me. We could take one while cooking, or… hugging. I'm not really sure." He was stuttering, but that was also because Hoseok had just nonchalantly proposed to take pictures while Hyungwon fucked his mouth and that was just a little too much to swallow. Literally. 

"Porn? No, that's just us doing something nice, because I like when you pull my hair and you like to fuck my mouth. But we can take pictures of course, like those stock pics, where the hetero couple hugs from the back while she cooks and he's just standing there being useless. You're not useless of course but you also sit on the counter and I sometimes cook naked, so that makes it cool again. I bought a dress." Hoseok switched the topic suddenly and took a black piece of clothing out of his bag and unfolded it, showing a pretty, short stretch dress. 

"That's- really cool," Hyungwon commented, surprised for several reasons. First of all, he had kind of forgotten that Hoseok wanted a dress because the idea just seemed a little strange to him. And secondly, he really didn't like the idea of making stock pictures because he was thinking of a simple boyfriend pic. Something that looked really nice and pretty. Instead of all that, he muttered the first thing he thought. "Can I see?" 

"The dress? I thought of wearing it while cooking because it's so freeing, but I'd be scared to get it dirty, but I should definitely wear it because I bought it, so I might end up wearing it all the time, but it's winter, so I can't because I'll freeze." Hoseok must have been thinking a lot. Hyungwon knew, because his boyfriend tended to jump from one thing to the next when he was nervous or if he had a thought that bothered him.

_ He's a blessing. _

Suddenly, the boy remembered his question and placed the light fabric into his hands, before pulling out his phone, turning on the front cam and taking a picture while burying his face in his neck.

"Like that?" he asked and showed him the result. He looked surprised while Hoseok looked like a baby cuddled into the crook of his neck. It was kinda nice.

"Yeah," he murmured and wrapped his arms around the other boy. "Kind of boyfriend-like, something that shows how happy we are together. It sounds stupid when I say it, but we don't have any pictures together, only those you took of my butt."

"I love those. So much." The pink-haired boy smiled while squeezing his cheeks. "Let's take pictures. I want to do everything to make you happy." Hoseok put the phone into his hand and stepped behind him, curling his arms around his middle and placing his handsome face on his shoulder, emphasising their height difference. 

Hyungwon liked it so much that he couldn't help but actually smile even though he preferred to keep a static expression when he took pictures. He looked better that way.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured and sent the few pictures to himself. That way he was able to send them to his mom to show how well things were going. "I want to send this one to my mom."

_ Now you sound like a thirteen-year-old. He didn't even know that's why you're taking pictures. _

"Oh my god, but is it okay? What if she thinks that I cling onto you and makes me move? She doesn't know that we're dating, or does she?" He was hugged even tighter, as if Hoseok was scared that he would have to leave. 

"I told her, that's why I'm sending her pictures," Hyungwon replied and felt terrible because his mom had doubts.

"Oh… oh okay." Hoseok loosened his embrace and checked his phone. "Nobody called me apart from my parents. They found out my number, so it's a little annoying. But your mom didn't, so she isn't mad at me." His boyfriend beamed and hugged him once more. 

Hyungwon couldn't believe that despite being harassed by his parents, Hoseok was super cheerful simply because his mom hadn't called him.

"She's fine with us being together. Her only concern is that we both have issues and she doesn't know if they fit. But they obviously do." This was a very simple way to describe it, but Hyungwon hoped it was enough because there were more important matters. "And now we are going to change your phone number, because what the fuck? That's harassment. You could sue them for that or get the police to keep them off your arse. Just cause your dad can't come here, he's calling you now? What do they want?"

Hoseok sighed and played with the seam of his bright yellow pullover. "Well, I guess money. They can't treat me badly anymore because I'm gone, so now they want money. I saw my dad while coming back from the lecture." 

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he felt anxiety return to his chest, just as he'd described it in his diary the day before. He got anxious because he remembered the encounter with Hoseok's dad and how scared he had been. 

_ What if he keeps coming after Hoseok? _

"What- what did he want?" he whispered and placed his palms over Hoseok's, keeping him close. "I don't want him anywhere near you. You should block their number."

Hoseok took the dress from him and folded it carefully before placing it on the chair next to his bag. "It's an unknown number, but I know that it's him because I picked up once. To be honest, I don't understand what they want. Their problems should've disappeared after I left. Why would they try to make me feel bad and get anything out of me afterwards? It's weird, right? I just want to be happy with you and take nice pictures instead of thinking about it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the atmosphere."

"You're not, this is important." Hyungwon placed a kiss on top of the pink head and wondered why Hoseok couldn't understand that his parents' behaviour wasn't because of him. "They keep doing it because nothing is wrong with you, something is wrong with them. They cannot let go because they are people like that. They want to keep hurting others, no matter who it is. If my mom hadn't acted, they would hurt me too, simply because they can. It wouldn't even matter that you live here. They would do it because I care about you and can be pressured with that. Does that make sense?"

"That's terrible and cowardly," Hoseok murmured, glancing up at him with eyes full of determination. "I would never let him hurt you."

_ This is it, if he understands that it's just their nature, he might finally be able to act. _

"Which brings me back to my point about changing your phone number and doing something about this. They won't stop trying to hurt you unless they learn that they can't." Circling Hoseok's waist with his right arm, Hyungwon pulled him closer and stroked over the soft pink hair. Despite his determination, the other boy looked so vulnerable to him, easily hurt when it was about his parents. "You need to do something that scares them off. That tells them they can't hurt you and the people around you anymore."

"I have to keep them away from you," Hoseok whispered, eyes filling with tears slowly. "But I have no idea how."

_ He doesn't understand, he only thinks it's about you. _

"No, Hoseok. You have to keep them away from yourself. I have protection, I have my mother and the police, he won't touch me. But what about you? What if they keep hurting you even though you did nothing wrong?" Hyungwon kept stroking over the other boy's head in the hope that he would finally understand, see that the problem was not him, but them. "They will try to hurt you, but they can't if you have protection. They only want your money, they don't care about anything else, but if you sue them, they won't be able to get to you anymore, Hoseok. If you don't want to sue them, then you could go to the police and report harassment. There are so many options because you have proof."

"Doesn't it make me a shit person? I mean suing my own parents?"

Hyungwon shook his head. "Doesn't it make them much worse to abuse their own child and make his life hell? You don't even want them to feel bad, you just want them to finally leave you alone. There is nothing wrong with that, Hoseok."

"Okay. I really don't want them to come to me anymore, it hurts because I keep remembering all those things that stand in contrast to what I experienced with you. But is it okay to keep trying to escape? It feels like a dream, getting support and being loved, and my parents are like the status quo that keeps reminding me that all of this is not mine to have." Hoseok crouched down and hugged his legs, burying his face in his thighs. "But I want this and I want this to be mine."

"It is yours. The ones who are wrong for making you believe that it isn't, are your parents, Hoseok." Hyungwon crouched down and peeled Hoseok's arms from his legs to wrap them around his neck instead. It felt good, like he was the one giving the other boy some reassurance and making him feel safe. Sitting down on the floor, he pulled Hoseok on top of his lap and stroked over his hair. "You can see it because so many people want to help you and care about you, they are the only ones who don't. Even Jooheon's dad wants to help you. How about- how about you call Jooheon, okay? I'm sure his dad knows a way to make sure they let you live a happy life."

"Will you come with me if I go?" Hoseok whispered, arms wrapping around his neck and the warmth of the boy's curved lips traveling along his neck towards his ear.

"Of course," he whispered. Sure, he was still a little scared and he didn't know where they were going, but it wasn't about him this time. He wasn't the one who needed to be scared and nervous. Hoseok was and for once, Hyungwon wanted to be the one to give him support, to help him solve problems on his own, without having to ask his parents.

He felt happy, not only because Hoseok finally decided to do something, but also because what he had told his mother was true. Hoseok helped him with his anxiety and supported him going to a therapist, but Hyungwon also helped the pink-haired boy. It was different, but it still mattered.

They were each others pillars, helping to carry the weight of the others burden, making them stronger together than alone.

_

"Those were very lovely pictures.. I like the one where he is sleeping on your lap. Hoseok is a really handsome boy."

Hyungwon didn't know what he expected to hear after calling his mother, but praise hadn't been it. Sure, he tried hard and kept taking pictures once in a while to show his mom that they were doing great and that he was happy, but she had never replied more than a thumbs up which could have meant anything.

"He- he is," he mumbled and checked the front door briefly to make sure Hoseok hadn't come back from uni yet. It could be any second now. "I'm going to help him sue his parents."

"Oh, why didn't you tell me anything? I told him earlier that he should let me know if something happens so we can get rid of the nuisance quickly." Again his mom sounded very practical and Hyungwon imagined her checking items off a list.

"I wanted to… to help him on my own and his friend's dad is a lawyer, he's helping too." Chewing on his cheek, he wondered if his mom was going to get upset about not being involved. He remembered that she was always sad when he tried things on his own.

"Oh, well- that's really nice of course. I'm surprised that you're helping him. Isn't it too much for you, Hyungwon?" She sounded concerned and a few weeks ago, there would have been a very good reason to be concerned.

"I'm- I'm improving, mom. I found somebody to help me and… it's not easy, not at all, but it's getting better. I'm… I'm kinda happy." He smiled to himself and pulled at the black semi-transparent shirt he had bought two days ago. It reminded him of the underwear Hoseok liked so much, so he wasn't able to resist and bought it.

"That's great! I'm really happy for you, Hyungwon. I'm sorry if I don't seem enthusiastic. It just seems so sudden to me. It feels like only yesterday you would come to me with every problem, so now the change feels a little rough. I guess you're growing up and I'll have to get used to it." He heard his mother sigh on the other end of the line, but there was also an audible smile. He could imagine it if he closed his eyes. "How about the two of you come visit again? I haven't seen you for a long time and I can show Hoseok embarrassing pictures of you with only a towel that you kept dropping cause you were nervous."

_ Oh god. _

"Mom!" he exclaimed, but there was already the sound of keys in the door and he hated missing the moment Hoseok walked in because he was wearing that yellow jacket and looked like a sunshine that decided to bless the apartment. "We'll visit, but don't you dare! I love you, take care."

He pressed a kiss to the receiver, waited to hear the confession in return and hurried to the hallway, hoping to impress with his new shirt.

The door opened and he saw a pair of eyes glancing at him, widening briefly, before he could see the rest of his boyfriend. The sun had returned to bless him.

"Oh my god, you look amazing," the boy whispered, throwing his bag on the floor and taking off his jacket. "Is that new?"

Hyungwon nodded quickly and turned around because the whole back was transparent and he wanted to show off a little. He wanted to know if Hoseok saw the similarities, but he was already happy that his boyfriend reacted positively. Grinning, he looked over his shoulder.

"Do you like it?" 

"I want to look at you until my eyes fall out but I also want to undress you and lick over your spine. So much for being normal." His boyfriend giggled and stepped closer, reaching out to trace the line of his body that he could see through the shirt. "Today I told a guy in my course about buying a dress and he asked me whether I'm gay. That was weird, but yeah I'm gay. And then he laughed and said that I'm definitely a bottom, and I told him that I am, I guess. Whatever that was supposed to mean. He looked as if wearing a dress would be something bad. He wasn't very educated, I think."

_ Oh god. _

"Why would you tell him that you're a bottom? You're not. You're the one who- who's active." Hyungwon gestured with his hands, wondering how Hoseok could be gay and miss the distinction. It was important and the main reason for feeling self-conscious. "I'm… the bottom."

"Huh? But why would you be a bottom if you also sit on me and fuck my mouth and all those things? Aren't we both active in a way? And why would anybody make a distinction, isn't it weird? In addition, the guy made it sound as if it was some kind of weakness. It's a fucking preference, not a global category. I don't get it." The boy shook his head and stepped even closer, catching his lips in a deep kiss. "Is that the reason for this manly man discussion we were having before?"

He thought about it but fucking somebody's mouth and getting fucked in the ass were very different things. A different caliber. 

"Well," Hyungwon began and thought about how to make it sound reasonable. "Yeah? I mean- it's considered something bad because I'm the one who 'gives in', you know? It means you're the stronger one and I'm, well- I'm the bottom."

Hoseok leaned back and lifted an eyebrow, looking borderline angry. He had never seen that kind of expression on the pink-haired boy before.

"Okay, now it's some kind of competition? So, that means that the fact that most women bottom makes them weak too? What kind of logic is that? That's straight out discrimination of preference. So if I like it when you kiss me down there and put your tongue inside, I'm not a bottom and plugging myself also doesn't make me a bottom, but having a dick in there does? I think my head is going to explode, this is so stupid. If you like being penetrated, then the only thing that it says about you is precisely that. That you like to be penetrated. That dude basically assumed that I wear a dress because I'm gay and because I like to be penetrated. I'm not violent, but that makes me kind of angry that he assumed some kind of weakness only because of a piece of clothing, a gender expression and my preferences."

_ He's right, you know that he is, but the problem is that nobody else knows. _

Hyungwon swallowed and nodded softly. It was the same thing they talked about before, that bottoming was associated with feminine qualities which was considered something bad, even though that is discriminating against women.

"I know that you are right and… that it's just a preference, but I feel like nobody else does. As soon as somebody knows my preference, they will assume other things, just like they did with you. It makes me uncomfortable because I feel judged and I'm so fucking scared of feeling judged."

_ It's the one thing that gets to you the most. _

"My dad, he makes the same assumptions," he added and frowned at the memory of his dad seeing clips from the gay pride and commenting on dresses, being naked and that Hyungwon better not be like that.

"I think that it comes from extreme insecurity. I know that you are afraid of being judged, but why would some dudes push their fragile masculinity issues on others? They can be insecure by themselves and be manly, whatever the fuck that means. I'm still of the opinion that it's way better to just be yourself, wear a dress, lace underwear, no underwear, a skirt, army pants, suck dick or get your dick sucked, get yourself tied up and whimper while getting fucked or tie up your partner, listen to him whimper while you ride him. I really hate categories, Hyungwon, because the only thing they did was make me feel as if I don't belong in any of them. Do you feel comfortable in those?" Hoseok asked, grabbing his face with both palms.

_ He's so confident in his decisions and the things he likes. Why can't you be like that too? Ignore what other people might assume about you. You're still yourself, aren't you? _

"I- I don't know. I feel comfortable when people don't judge me, but they always do. I don't think I need to be manly, I only tried, so my dad doesn't get upset." He stared at those almost black eyes and realised once again why he was so impressed by the other boy. "That's why I look up to you so much. You don't care about these things. You do what you like and none of those ideas matter to you. I wish I could be like that too, tell you all those things I watched in porn and ask you to do them without feeling like I'm a wimp."

"You are not a wimp, Hyungwon. You're fucking amazing for fighting with your anxiety issues and studying like crazy. You're courageous for making me start a lawsuit against my parents that I would never have been able to start alone. You're awesome for not telling me what to wear and how to behave in public and for playing the station-naming game with me. You make me feel safe, more than anybody ever could. If you hug me or when I cuddle up to you and you kiss the top of my head it feels as if nothing can happen. I love being your sun and I love it when you pull my hair and praise me. You're you and that's the best category I could ever imagine." Hoseok held his face and kissed him again with a smile so beautiful that he gasped.

The words made him emotional, bottom lip trembling and nose struggling to inhale enough oxygen to stay calm. It meant so much, especially that Hoseok said it, a person that was fighting throughout his whole life. If the pink-haired boy was of the opinion that he worked hard and achieved so much, then maybe it was really true.

"Thank you," he whispered and closed his eyes, inhaling the sweet scent of roses Hoseok still liked to cover himself in. If Hyungwon didn't mind all these things in relation to the other boy, then why was it such a problem in relation to him? "I'm- I'm just me and maybe… that's enough."

_

The professor ended the lecture with a sigh and it didn't even take a second for the loud shuffling and stuffing of writing material to begin. Hyungwon was a little calmer himself, he wasn't in such a hurry and he concentrated on finishing his drawing of a bicep before leaving the room. Things had to be finished.

He added a few more lines to make it look real and felt a little sad that he was drawing it without skin and couldn't add pretty moles. 

"That looks amazing!" a female voice next to him remarked. He glanced up, heartbeat speeding up and wondered what exactly she meant. That is until he followed her gaze to his drawing.

_ Oh god, she must have seen it. _

Chewing on his cheek, he moved his head to the side and pointed at his drawing. Having people see his art still made him ridiculously nervous.

"You like it?" he asked softly and resisted the urge to cover the drawing with his whole body. It was Hoseok's arm, of course it was.

"I love how you drew the anterior deltoid and you even added the axillary artery on top," the girl remarked further while packing her things. "Maybe I should also draw to remember better."

_ It definitely helps. _

Hyungwon only smiled at that and quickly added a few more lines before deciding that it was finished. Unfortunately, he was still excited about getting complimented and dropped his pen because of how badly his hands were shaking. On top of it all, instead of being like a normal pen, that fucker rolled all the way down the fucking stairs, landing next to the desk of the professor. His luck was right there to bless him. 

_ How about you just die, Hyungwon? _

He felt his face burn up, but remembered that people usually couldn't tell. He hadn't even been able to see it on his own video when Dr. Lee recorded him giving a presentation. Keeping that in mind, he packed up his other things and carefully made his way down the stairs. He really didn't want to faceplant, that would make everything worse.

_ But she also said that people forget these things and actually nothing ever happens. _

Hyungwon still wasn't sure whether he believed that bit, but he hoped it was true as he arrived at the bottom of the stairs and grabbed his pen, briefly nodding at the professor to be polite.

"That was a really good answer just now, your knowledge of anatomy is remarkable," the elderly man commented with a smile instead of ignoring him and returned his attention to his documents. "See you next week."

_ Oh god, what are you supposed to say to that? _

Hyungwon's face was definitely burning as he murmured a quick thank you and made his way outside. God, today was really eventful and he couldn't believe that he survived without having to use relaxation techniques. Sure, he couldn't always avoid panic attacks, but he had gotten pretty damn good at it.

_ Another day without losing your shit. You're doing amazing. _

Throwing his leather bag over his shoulder, he made his way out of the lecture hall, enjoying the cold air and the fact that he survived Christmas with his parents and Hoseok. It had been way better than he anticipated with the exception of Hoseok crying cause he never got Christmas presents, but his parents took it pretty well. Even his dad gave Hoseok a squeeze which meant a lot.

_ They like him and Hoseok looked so happy because of that. _

Just when he stopped thinking about Hoseok wearing a gigantic reindeer pullover, somebody jumped in front of him, blocking the way and squeezed the living daylights out of him. Hyungwon gasped in surprise and considered defending himself, but the bright puff of pink hair quickly changed his mind.

_ He came all the way to your lecture. Oh no. What if something happened? Why isn't he wearing a hat? _

"God, Hoseok," he murmured and smelled the soft hair because he was a creep and also worried. "How come you're here? I thought you wouldn't be done until 4. Is everything okay?"

"No, nothing is okay because it's snowing, but we're not in the park making snow angels!" his boyfriend exclaimed dramatically and lifted him into the air, twirling him around once and placing him back on his feet.

"W-what?" Hyungwon mumbled, failing to understand what was going on and where the ground suddenly went. A big white snowflake landed on his nose and slowly Hoseok's words began to sink in. "Oh, it's the first snow! Not Christmas but close enough. It looks pretty. Now you look like a small yellow rubber duck in winter." He chuckled and loved the sight of Hoseok in bright yellow. The other boy looked so happy, wiggling around and opening his mouth wide as if he wanted to catch some flakes.

"Look, the ground is already covered, this is so fucking amazing," Hoseok giggled happily and pulled him along. "We need to go to the park. There's a huge grass field and we need to do snow angels for my inner peace and happiness. Because now I have a jacket and won't get wet and cold."

"You did it without a jacket before? What the fuck?" Hyungwon let himself be pulled along and realised that he never really bothered to do any, only once behind their house with Martha when he was little. And then he thought he might get scolded by the gardener for leaving weird marks everywhere. "I don't think I've ever done it properly. Won't people think that we are weirdos?" 

_ They most definitely will, but that never stopped Hoseok Lee. _

"They might, but if they care about me making snow angels, then they are definitely the weird ones." Grinning brightly, Hoseok jumped up and down excitedly. "I was at the first hearing today. My dad said I look like a ridiculous fagott with my yellow jacket, but the judge shut him up and wrote it down, so I guess that's good."

_ Homophobic piece of shit. _

"Your dad is an asshole and I'm sure the judge realised it too. But was it… okay?" he asked and reached out to grasp Hoseok's hand. He still couldn't help glancing around whether anybody was looking, but Dr. Lee was right. People didn't really care and even if they did it was mostly because of their own problems.

_ They're worried about making mistakes too, so they try to bring others down. Like they did with his Hoseok. You have to make sure he's okay. _

His boyfriend was really good at being cheerful even when something was stressful, so Hyungwon had gotten used to digging a little deeper, to make sure that Hoseok was doing fine.

"First, I was really nervous that the judge and the others would think like my parents, but they were actually pretty nice. Nice and serious. It was strange to see them again in such an atmosphere, talking badly about me. I saw the other people's reactions and they were so shocked. And then… I thought that maybe, you were right. I mean, that there are people who don't like me, but it's not only because of me."

"And what do you think now?" Hyungwon asked carefully and intertwined their fingers as they made their way past several trees covered in snow. There was so much falling that it began to crunch under their shoes. Another flake melted on the tip of Hoseok's nose and he resisted kissing it away.

"I think that I should buy myself shoes that are more appropriate for snow than Chucks." The boy giggled and looked at him, shy smile in place. "I also think that I must be likable and also useful if you love me and want to be with me. Same goes for Jooheon. I guess my parents and me won't have a happy ending and as much as I despise categories, I kept insisting on that one. That parents and kids belong together."

"I don't think it's true. You have a new family now," Hyungwon replied and felt heat spread in his cheeks. It was far fetched of him to say it and he didn't know if Hoseok agreed, but he really hoped that the other boy did. "Me."

Stepping closer to the tree that Hoseok liked sitting under, Hyungwon dared to lean in and kiss him briefly, taste how warm his lips were despite the cold outside. 

"That sounds all kinds of amazing. You know, I've made quite some snow angels before, but I always felt lonely. Until now," Hoseok whispered and he could swear that he saw a tear rolling down the pale cheek before Hoseok simply let himself fall back and started shoveling the snow to the sides with his spread arms. "Look, I'm your yellow snow angel."

"Sunshine in the snow," Hyungwon whispered and let himself fall next to the other boy. It was cold, but it didn't penetrate through his winter coat yet, remaining at the surface. The sky was dark and covered with white dots that kept landing on his nose and lips, melting instantly. "The only one."

There didn't need to be a sun in the sky. Hyungwon didn't need it if he had it right there, smiling cheerfully and wiggling its arms like sun rays. Spreading out his own arms, he moved them up and down, creating an angel the way Hoseok did it. It felt nice, freeing and like there were only the two of them lying in the park and turning the snow into angels.

Hyungwon and the sun right next to him, the only one he needed.

THE END

  
  
  



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